God chose you and God chose me.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than men,
and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
For consider your calling, brothers:
not many of you were wise according to wordly standards,
not many were powerful,
not many were of noble birth.
But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise;
God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;
God chose what is low and despised in the world,
even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,
so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.
And because of him you are in Christ Jesus,
who became to us wisdom from God,
righteousness and sanctification and redemption,
so that, as it is written,
"Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

--1 Corinthians 1:25-31

My house is a mess and it's driving me insane.

Yesterday I was signing a card for my dad's birthday, but in the middle of writing in it, my dad came home from picking up ice cream for dessert, and I had to run around to find some place to keep writing so he wouldn't see me.

Sad part? I ran around the whole house looking for a surface to write on besides the kitchen table (because he would come in through that way), and I couldn't find one. Yeah, that's right. There was absolutely no surface in my bedroom or my living room or study room for me to write a birthday card. Every surface was covered with books and just plain stuff. It was frustrating.

So I can be messy. It happens. I don't have time to put things away or can't find a place for them, so stuff gets left around unorganized and unkept. It's understandable. But what I can't stand is when there's just so much of it that it'll take days to go through it, and 3/4 of the stuff isn't even your own. I really don't like cleaning up other people's mess because I'm always afraid I'll toss something they want. What I can't stand is if you can't spend like a half an hour putting stuff away where they belong, or a couple of hours reorganizing or rearranging things to put them away neatly. And believe me, you can't do that in my house.

That's the way my house has always been. And I hate it.

I was given full on hope that changing bedrooms with my parents would give me my own space. A space just like my dorm room at school that I could have control over, that I could call my room. But as our room-switch operation date got pushed from the week I got home from school to the week I get back from Urbana, my hope has been sinking and it is sinking fast. I fear it's not going to get done, or I fear it'll take the whole winter break to do it, which I already have very little of.

My house is a haphazard, a place I don't particularly like inviting friends over to because it's so messy and old. I have to be careful walking up and down the stairs because there's stuff on it, and carrying things around my house is dangerous because I might trip over towers of books and CDs or boxes of stuff. Our piano has become another shelf, and the piano bench is Sam's pseudo-desk. My desk area has become storage space for my stuff and Pam's, and the floor of our bedroom has become Pam's space for stuff. I can't reach my desk anymore.

I do not care what color paint my (and Pam's) new room will be. I am not looking forward to the actual process of switching bedrooms, but I certainly will be the happiest camper when I can finally find a place of refuge and peace in this house.

Thoughts on Christmas Decorations and Materialism.

I am home! Freedom from schoolwork has come (for a while, at least!), and I have been enjoying it, despite my nervous anticipation for our final grades. Although, I must say I did enjoy studying these past few days.

After my family ate dinner tonight in honor of advent we read a chapter from this book about the "fascinating" traditions of Christmas, and the history behind some of the usual "Christmas cheer," which I do find interesting. This book, or maybe this particular chapter was very long and boring. It was not written in a very fascinating way at all. How disappointing.

Despite its bland approach to the subject of the history of how Christmas decorations came about, a detail about decorations caught my ear and made me chew on it.

We often talk or think about how materialistic the winter holiday season has become - with millions of gifts to buy, cards to write, lights to put up, Christmas albums to listen to, it seems as though our country has lost itself to the illusion that all of this hustle and bustle is completely necessary for the "Christmas spirit" to come alive. We reflect on how people go crazy and stress out with family dinner preparations, get disappointed when we don't get the gift we want or when plans come undone and we think about how sad it all is...that we invest so much into a month of craziness only for it to pass and wait for the next year to come around.

We don't feel satisfied. We decide if our Christmas was a good one if nothing bad happened, if things went as planned or better than we expected. We say our Christmas was bad if some sort of drama broke out, if we stressed out, or if an unexpected tragedy or unplanned event occurred beyond our radar.

It's then that we question what the point of Christmas is, and how we've become so wrapped up in the material, visual celebration of it all. What struck me from the history that was read to me tonight was that we brought it upon ourselves. We put the blame on the businesses, scoff when advertisements for big sales come on, and complain when we feel the need to shop during the busiest time of year. But it is still that hole in our God-shaped hearts that we have created this season of materialism and displays. Generations of people have believed for so long that we needed more gifts and more displays that we had to demand businesses for more variety of tree ornaments, Christmas lights, cards, and the next Tickle-me-Elmo or Furby to try and satisfy this thirst for more.

Are we so broken a people that we find ourselves celebrating the "true meaning of Christmas" as family gatherings, lots of food, and gifts under the tree? Celebrating Christmas can't mean the celebration of family, good food, or gifts because not everyone has them. What everyone can be offered and what everyone can have is the gift of humble hope. Christ wasn't born after the Christmas lights were put up, or the wise men came with their gifts. Celebration came before He was born: the prophets, with Mary. Celebration came when He was born: with the shepherds, the angels, the mended family of two. And celebration came after He was born: the wise men, the gifts brought to Him. It didn't mean there wasn't trouble among them: the scandal of Joseph and Mary's relationship, Mary being with child though she was a virgin, the difficulty of finding a place to give birth, the threat of death when Herod commanded every child to be killed, etc.

But let us celebrate before, during, and after this season, amidst the threat of sour circumstances - not the hanging of decorations, the exchange of gifts, or swirl of "Christmas cheer," but why we do all of it in the first place. Maybe we need to re-think our purposes and shift our thoughts to the one who should be the center of our lives, rather than the excuse of our stress and blunder.

Hate to be called a nerd, but...

I like studying. It reminds me that it was worth going to every single class because I actually learned something. And I love learning new things. It's a refreshing and growing experience.

I didn't study as much as I would have liked to study - meaning I didn't get to read all of the material for my English classes. When I did set time to sit down and do my work, it was to write papers or catch up on stories I hadn't read.

I'm actually pretty satisfied with how much work I did for school this semester. I may not have been able to read and prepare for every single class, but I can say that I did try my best.

I wrote on my gtalk status the other day that in some ways I'd like to be like Rory from Gilmore Girls, the Chilton years. She's always loved reading and studied sooo much and really did enjoy it. I really admire that about her. Of course, she's a fictional character, but I think in that sense she's a good role model to emulate. She reads and studies hard, but also has fun and spends time with her family and friends.

Studying during this finals week has been something like that. And I like that.

Thanks, God. For giving me a brain and the ability to read and learn. It's great :D

The freedom is so close I can almost taste it...

Lukewarm People.

I'd hate to admit this, but when I am truly and deeply honest with myself, I identify with some of these. I was so scared by how true it was that I couldn't finish reading the chapter at first.
There are things listed here that I need to constantly turn over to God.
Let's examine ourselves carefully and see if you agree with these or not. There are Biblical references, by the way, but there's just so much that I couldn't write it all here.

From Francis Chan's "Crazy Love":

Lukewarm People....
...attend church fairly regularly. It is what is expected of them, what they believe "good Christians" do, so they go.

...give money to charity and to the church as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so. After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right?

...tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives.

...don't really want to be saved from their sins; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly sorry for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.

...are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for "extreme" Christians, not average ones. Lukewarm people call "radical" what Jesus expected of all His followers.

...rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.

...gauge their morality or "goodness" by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren't as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere as horrible as the guy down the street.

...say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed a part of their lives. But only a part. They give Him a section of their time, their money, and their thoughts, but He isn't allowed to control their lives.

...love God, but they do not love Him with all their heart, soul, and strength. They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much, but that sort of total devotion isn't really possible for the average person; it's only for pastors and missionaries and radicals.

...love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, whose kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached.

...will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give.

...think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven. Daily life is mostly focused on today's to-do list, this week's schedule, and next month's vacation. Rarely, if ever, do they intently consider the life to come. Regarding this, C.S. Lewis writes, "If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this."

...are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor. They are quick to point out, "Jesus never said money is the root of all evil, only that the love of money is." Untold numbers of lukewarm people feel "called" to minister the rich; very few feel "called" to minister to the poor.

...do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty. They want to do the bare minimum, to be "good enough" without it requiring too much of them.

...are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slavees to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

...feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America. Just as the prophets in the Old Testament warned Israel that they were not safe just because they lived in the land of Israel, so we are not safe just because we wear the label Christian or because some people persist in calling us a "Christian nation."

...do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account. They don't need God to help them - they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God.

...probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbeliever. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn't be more wrong.

At the end of this chapter, Francis Chan says,
Jesus asks for everything. But we try to give Him less.

Radio of Songs and Thoughts in my Mind

This morning it was a fight to get up
Those words still ringing in my head
I never felt like such a fool in front of anyone
I guess that's what you do when you love someone.

If I fall, I'll try a little harder to get back up
Please stay by me, love,
That's what you do when you love someone.
That's what you do when you love someone.

When You Love Someone // _Bethany Dillon

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned, lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take.

Just Give it Time // _Jon McLaughlin

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

Beautiful Disaster // _Jon McLaughlin

"I give up"
Are the words on the sign
I'm tempted to put
On the door
To the thoughts
Of my mind.
Lock them up,
Swallow the small hard-earned key,
Roll with the punches,
Take the heat
Give it time
Let it be.

"Yet even now," declares the Lord,
Return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the Lord your God,
for He is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.
--Joel 2:12-13

Take Two.

Alright. Maybe God is saying, "Look, Tammy. I love you. You need to learn to trust me. I've put these things on your plate because I know you can do something with them and in doing so, I will transform your life so that you will make an impact like no other. Please, I'm not taking these things away from you. I'm giving you a chance to take them deeper. Don't give up on them. Don't give up on Me. Trust Me. Don't throw away or bury the gifts I've given you - take them and use them well."

I'm tired of guessing.

But I'm not a failure. God is not looking for my accomplishments. He's looking for me.
Insecurities just won't cut it anymore.
Trying doesn't count because I'm not running on my own strength.
He's not asking me to tread water or search for a floatation device. He's asking me to swim in the direction He's calling me to go.

Digging.

I just keep digging myself a nice big hole, don't I?
I dig it all out, call it dirt, throw it back in to fill the hole, only to jump right back in to dig it all out again.
Apologies just never seem to cut it. I think I've started to avoid them.
I want to use words I've heard, words that were told to me to use a scapegoat, to put blame upon, but I know only I am to blame.

I think I've been believing the lies I hear.
And I don't know what to do about it because whatever I come up with never seems enough.

I won't let deep waters stop me.

I don't understand a lot of things.
But I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to trust Him.

But with little time to breathe I'm swimming my hardest on God's strength through this deep end of the ocean.
I'm swimming in deep waters which I hate, but know it happens.
My limbs are weakening but I push forward.
I can see the surface, so I'm going to swim as if I'm already breaking through, breathing the fresh air like I've never breathed before.

I'm still in deep waters even though I'm aware that I am and am trying to get out.
Being aware doesn't make things easier.
It's not in my control.
None of it is.
I know because saying something doesn't make a difference.
Defending myself does nothing.
They don't know what God knows.
All I can do is do my best to obey His voice.
I won't let my people-pleasing side get the best of me.

But even then when I think I am hearing His voice, I am deceived.

It may feel like swimming with balls and chains, hopeless and pointless,
But I know that hope never ceases.
Though I may feel deceived, He will not let me drown.
His truth will set me free.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimmming.

Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through out Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only so this, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Pushed to the Limit only to find that the Limit has changed.

I...feel like I don't know what to say here.
I also feel like I have a million things to say.

I'm just so glad that I'm here at work, getting a small chance to breathe from everything swirling around in my head. I get a chance to let the sediment settle in this shaken up jar.

God is so good. There were so many crazy "downs" from these past two weeks, or things that I could've been like, "Hey, God, this isn't fair," and many times when I've had to say, "Hey, God, I need You to be my strength, to change my attitudes, and for your Holy Spirit to give me rest," in times when I didn't have any of those. It was those times I wanted to only think about what I was dissatisfied with, what I didn't have, what I wanted, and what I thought was best for me.

God is so good. Even though the "downs" seemed to punctuate these last few weeks like giant exclamation points, they haven't come close to outweighing the great things God has shown me.

More to come.

This is what it means.

I miss writing stories, using my imagination to take me away from here.
I miss reading for fun - especially right before I go to sleep.
I miss baking and feeding people.
I miss watching One Tree Hill and Gilmore Girls with Michelle.
I miss Pam, but so does everyone else.
I miss simplicity and clarity.
I miss freshman year BTB.
I miss rocking out on the drums.
I miss progress.
I miss beautiful stars and breath-taking sunsets.
I miss waking up on the first alarm and smiling at the sun.
I miss being well rested.
I miss having nothing to do.
I miss my high school friends.
I miss learning to follow and follow well.
I miss sharing with others what I learn in school.
I miss writing songs.

Is this what it means to lay your life down for your friends?
Is this what it takes to rely fully on God?
Is this what it means to die to yourself for the sake of Christ?
Is this what Jesus meant when He said, "Feed my sheep," and "Tend my lambs"?
Is this what I have to let go of in order to take on hope?

You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

Get Up and Walk // _Bethany Dillon

Right Upstairs.

Now that I've talked about everything out loud, I feel just stupid.
I feel like I've let Satan win a battle.
But then it feels silly because I know my Lord has already won the war, however much cliche that sounds.

I feel stupid because I pretty much already knew the answers to the feelings I've been having.

One of the little girls I was babysitting yesterday was a really good 1-year-old named Natalie. She is so cute and just an overall really good kid. But at one point her older sister, 3-year-old Hannah, wanted to go see her dad, and because she wanted to, Natalie realized her dad wasn't around also and started crying.

I'd hold her and at times I'd find something to occupy her or I'd sing to her to calm her down, but it got to a point where nothing would satisfy her, and yet there was nothing inherently wrong. She knew she'd be fine where she was - she had been doing fine for the past hour - but she just was so sad that her dad wasn't there and her dad was what she wanted.

That's how I felt yesterday. Nothing seemed explicitly wrong, and I knew the answers to my questions, and had the faith to conquer the doubt, but I was just so sad that something wasn't there and I didn't know what that something was that I wanted.

But now I feel quite silly because I feel like a selfish little baby who only thinks about herself thinking that her Daddy left her here with no answers.
But really her Daddy left her with someone He trusts to show her the same love He does knowing that if I really want to know the answers to my questions, He's right upstairs for me to ask.

Give me something brighter
Give me something I can see
Give me something vicious
Give me something I can be
Give me all the love and peace
To end these wars
Give me something sacred
Something worth fighting for

It's clear enough to me
The ugliness I see
Is evidence of who I need

Give me an answer
Give me a way out
Give me the faith
To believe in these hard times

Give me motivation
Give me all my heart's desires
Show me something gorgeous
Show me 'til my eyes get tired

These Hard Times // _needtobreathe

blur.

Pastor Kyle's sermon was a little scattered today - although it may have been because he's still recovering from ear surgery - but he was talking about good questions that I was hungry to learn about. He talked about John 21:15-17, where Jesus asks Peter, "do you love me more than these?"

And some questions that came up were:

• Have you ever loved somebody but you don't feel the emotions?
• So what do you do when you know you love someone but you don't feel like it?
• How do you love Jesus when you don't feel it?
• What would you say if Jesus asks you, "Do you love me?"

When all of these questions came up, I was like, "Yes, yes, yes, what is the answer? I want to know the answer!"
But none came. I mean, Jesus responds to Peter by saying, "Feed my sheep," but what does that even mean???
And as I think about it, and have been thinking about some things that went on this weekend, I have become so overwhelmed with so many questions and feelings that I don't have the answers to. I can't make them go away.
Today I was (unintentionally) hit smack in the face with my inadequacies and weaknesses. And I don't see this as a bad thing - I actually appreciate it because at least it's something direct. It brought me back down to the hardness of the earth. In a lot of ways I think I've been floating. Everything over these past few months has been a blur.
So coming home today after saying goodbye to my family whom I love with agape and phileo love to an empty room made my heart sink and sink quickly.
I hate being a slow processor. I've taken about two hours to try and process all my of my thoughts and even sleep but have made no progress. I need more time.
But now I have five minutes to get myself to the old union to get picked up to babysit some cute little kids. Maybe their simple life would shed some light on this striving blurry one.

Can't Wait!

I canNOT wait until next weekend! The whole family (meaning my parents, my sisters, my cousin, my aunt and uncle) is coming up to visit (including my grandma!) and I'm really excited. We're planning on going apple picking and going out to eat and all sorts of fun stuff.

I'm also really excited because I haven't seen them in so long and I miss them a lot. I miss home. I still really love being here at school and I like junior year even though it's so different from freshman and sophomore year...and I love how I'm growing and how God has still been working through my life and showing me things I didn't see before, but I'm also learning to miss home.

I'm afraid to be by myself sometimes nowadays because I feel like I think too much. When I met up with Carrie last Wednesday at the end of our meeting I was trying to answer a question she had asked and I said "I don't know." And then I paused before adding, "I say that a lot, don't I?" And it's true, I do. I'm a slow processor and I think it's annoying sometimes. Or at least maybe to other people. Because I've been realizing how it affects the way I do or react to things. I like to plan. I try not to be a hardcore planner because I know things won't necessarily go the way I want them to. I try to be as flexible as I can. I know I'm not in control of everything. But I do try to manage well what I've been given. I try to be intentional, deliberate, and thoughtful, but at the same time going with the flow of things.

I honestly also feel inadequate sometimes as a leader and I don't know how to fix things. Which makes sense, since I can't fix everything. But still. Do you know what I mean?

I just know I miss home. With my family, I don't have to think about these things as much. And if anything, they help me think these things through a little better.

By the way, you're reading the blog of a contributing columnist for BU's Pipe Dream, our school newspaper. Now THAT'S exciting :D

let it go. let it roll right off your shoulder. don't you know? the hardest part is over.

I think God has been giving me a taste of my own medicine. I get it. Thanks, God. I guess I deserve that.

It's hard letting go of your rights, you know? It's hard to stop myself from retaliating to the little nicks at my heart. It's easier to victimize ourselves. It always is. It's harder to say, 'Hey, I have the right to be angry/annoyed/frustrated/insert-your-feeling-here, but I'm going to choose not to be.'

Dying to myself is a process. Please be patient with me as God continues to free me from my selfish desires and I learn to give up my rights, to give up what is good, for what He says is better.

I've been tasting the freedom, and it is good.

cheesy, i know.

I was going to recap the first two weeks back at school in a narrative style, but too much time has passed and too many things have happened since then to do anything about it now.

I was even in the middle of writing another blog just the other day, but something came up that my post didn't seem so appropriate anymore...so oh well.

All I can think of saying is: the leaves are always changing colors, no matter what season it is.

So many colors have changed their colors, and yet so many are still green.

once upon a time...

August 29th, 2009

"I am a dreamer, take me higher. Open the sky up, start a fire..."

I reflexively groped around for my cell phone, which was somewhere under my pillow, making my bed vibrate and singing Bethany Dillon's "Dreamer" song. I opened my eyes as best as I could before pressing what I assumed was the send button.

"Hello?"

"Tamawia?"

Ah. I knew who it was. She was the only one who pronounced my full name, Tamaria, that way. I grinned as much as a half asleep girl would at just being woken up at 9:20 AM on a Saturday morning and rolled my eyes. "Yes, Winnie? What's up?"

"Can you come to Ufest at 10?"

I couldn't help but sigh a little bit. Our University Fest was hosted by our school, Binghamton University, every year to invite the local community, as well as all the student groups to table, play games, and eat food with all the students, faculty and staff. It was raining outside, and I was kind of half hoping Katy McFadden, our Outreach Coordinator, would cancel because of the rain.

I posed this suggestion to Winnie.

"No, Katy said we're definitely still having it. She's not here. She's getting flyers printed at Kinkos. Can you come?"

And so...it begins.

TO BE CONTINUED...

junior year, commence.

Greetings from Digman 216!

I am back in my old room, halfway settled in both physically and mentally.
I CAN'T wait until Michelle and Priscilla get here. And the Tuttles, of course.

The drive up with just me and my parents actually wasn't too bad. We talked about their younger years and learned more about how I am "royalty" as Uncle Cliff once dubbed me and Libby. Uncle Cliff claims we're royalty in regards to our Christian community because our parents were so involved and connected with so many people back in their day, and still make and maintain some form of those connections today.

Hence, why I've gone to too many weddings (more than I can count on my fingers) of people whom I do not know, why I always bump into people who knew me before I could talk or walk...and why we bump into people on the street who know my parents but my parents don't remember who they are.

Apparently, that's how the royalty roll. At least, in my family.

Anyway, so we talked about all these people they knew and grew up with. It was pretty cool. I love listening to my parents tell stories about how they did this or that and how they knew this person or that person. It brings connections. I got to ask questions (like, "So when I get married, are there going to be obligatory people for me to invite? Because between you and Pam, that's a lot of people to invite..."). It was good :]

And now, even though I'm by myself in the room, I'm not alone on the floor. Angie, my awesome RA, and Sarah and Su-Ann (although Su-Ann isn't staying here for the night), my awesome neighbors, are here for early arrival, so...

Welcome to junior year.

Ooh, I should tell you about my birthday and show you pictures. It was great! Can you believe I'm 20 now? I sure can't.

happy book.

I think my happy book has been on hiatus for too long.
Time to break it out.
When I get back to school.

this post has been taking me too long to write. so i'll make it brief as to how i'm feeling right now.

Alright, I get it, people. Next summer I'll stay home. Sheesh.
You all don't understand me.

Except Pam and Michelle.

I was watching Gilmore Girls season six today. I felt like I had become an unintentional Rory.

dickinson love.

It's one thing to love dickinson, but it's totally a different kind of love when you know every single person's name who lives there.

Okay, well I don't know everyone's name by heart, but yesterday as I put a label on all of the RCRs (Room Condition Report forms), I got to see everyone's name. I decided to try and pray for every single person as I put their label on their RCR, which was not an easy task, I must say. But it's awesome how God changes your heart through prayer, right? I got more excited for our Dickinson family as a love grew in me for these people I didn't even know (with a handful of exceptions). Some of the more foreign names I didn't even know if they were a guy or girl, but I knew God knew :P

And of course I prayed for the names I came across of the people I knew, our Dickinson dream team/family. It made me happy and at peace. I know this semester is going to be a tough one, as usual, but still good.

I'm moving into my Dickinson home of Digman 216 on Monday, so I'm excited about that. I'm about 85% packed already, so packing the rest tomorrow should be a breeze.

I want to see change happen, and I'm ready to be that change.

By the way, I watched the ENTIRE five-hours-and-thirty-three minutes of the Yankees-RedSox game yesterday, texting with my dad, chatting with Michelle and Winnie (who was delirious, btw - completely entertaining :P) the entire time. It was one crazy game, guys. I like how I've been becoming more of a true Yankee fan being here for the summer. My dad's proud of me :]

crocodile dream.

I think Joe, Bix, Bix's mom (yeah, random!), maybe Chris, maybe a little girl (i can't remember who), I think my Auntie Di, and Caye (a missionary from Arizona whom I've known since I was four) were with me going through this humongous arena-like room that was completely covered in vines and jungle-like stuff. I think we were exploring and now were trying to find our way out and Caye was leading the way. There was all this stuff happening (adventurous I believe), but I can't remember what it was. But it wasn't really dangerous or life-threatening I think, until we finally knew the way out...these HUGE crocodiles were coming over this hill. And they weren't like, normal crocodiles. They were oddly shaped...almost geometrical, I guess. But I was freaked out mostly by the leader of pack. They were all coming right at us, so we started running. And Caye was saying that she knew how to handle them, so we should run as fast as we can, and she'll take care of them.

We thought she was crazy, but we ran. And then we went back and saw that Caye was about to be eaten by the leader of the crocodiles, and I held my breath and didn't doubt that she could get away. But whatever it was she tried to do, it didn't work, and the crocodile swallowed half of Caye! Well, it wasn't as graphic as it may seem. It was like those cartoons. But while she was in there, she kept yelling, "I praise God! I praise God!" And then I think Bix's mom did something that freed Caye, and then we all had to fling ourselves over this ledge, which looked like we were in the scene in I Love Trouble (with Julia Roberts and Peter Brackett), not that any of you have seen that movie. But it was mad scary, and you had to fling yourself really hard/far. And next thing I know, I'm doing it and then I'm holding onto the little girl's hand and we're safe! Everyone else is safe, too.

Then I find we're in some sort of church that's under construction, dusting ourselves off, really happy to be alive. And then Mindy comes in with her glasses on, comes up to me and pulls on my sleeve, asking me if I would come to the youth group/college group showing of a Pokemon Movie. In my "head" I was like, but I'm so tired! But I said okay, and told her to lead the way. So I followed her into this pretty spacious room where my home tv was set up on one side of the room, and all the high school youth group kids were in front of the tv on these metal folding chairs that were set up, and then behind them were a bunch of college group kids. Sarah was in the middle. I directly went to sit next to Gary Lee and some of the other guys from my church. And we talked a little bit, I don't remember about what. And I remember watching the back of Sarah's head, wondering what she was thinking, but also feeling some sort of peace, sitting in the back with the guys because I hadn't talked with them in so long.

The End.

P.S. The picture was just something I found that I thought was funny. Don't know the kid at all, maybe she was the little girl I was with in the dream.
P.P.S. "Croc" was an answer to a crossword puzzle I tried doing the other day. Maybe this dream came from that?

remembering.

Just as I was writing the part where I was frustrated because I had to be taught over and over and over again, I remembered His love. He asks me, "Don't you get it? Don't you understand my love yet?" but He still calls me His own, His joy and His masterpiece.

And I looked at the song I had just posted not even a week earlier, and I was ashamed again at how quickly I had forgotten. All day as that song was completely stuck in my head, He had been reminding me of how He was with me, but still at the end of the day I let the voices penetrate my heart.

Praise God for not letting me go.

reading old blog posts.

It really frustrates me, how quickly I forget the things I've learned.

I was looking through some old blog posts. MAN did I write long posts. Even I didn't want to read the whole darn long things. Sheesh. And I wrote about such petty things sometimes. Like my hair. I did the whole, "I did this" and "This happened to me" thing a lot.

Some of the comments you guys made were pretty funny though. They made me laugh.

But I was looking at some of the things I've learned, and it made me want to kick myself. These are the same lessons I have to keep teaching myself, the same mistakes I keep making, the same questions I keep asking. I don't understand. Does it mean I really didn't learn anything the first time?

I was telling Carrie a couple of weeks ago that I remember that at the last church retreat I went to, my godfather spoke and his messages were themed around Genesis, about the people in Genesis - you know, like Abraham, and Issac and Jacob and Joseph. And I remember being completely amazed at how much I had learned and how much my perspective changed about the Old Testament during those few days. I remember learning so much about Joseph and really identifying with him.

But I can't remember what exactly I had learned.

I remember Pastor George doing a whole series, going through the book of Joshua, and taking away so many points and writing them all down, completely soaking in everything during those couple of years in high school. I can remember a few foggy details, like something about the importance of building monuments or memorials. But I can't remember why. I don't remember much of what happened in Joshua.

I remember going to TECBC as an alumna Bible study leader, and totally learning a lot from the speaker that weekend, even though I didn't expect to. But I don't really remember the details. I took poor notes that weekend, too.

You see, I can remember the context of the learning things and my eyes being opened to things God has been trying to tell me, but how come I can't remember what I've learned? Why do we forget? I feel just like the Israelites who kept forgetting God's promises even though He repeated it over and over and over again. I feel like Jesus' disciples who were in awe of how Jesus fed the five thousand and then asked how they were going to feed the four thousand the next day, or how they asked about the bread when Jesus wasn't talking about Wonder Bread at all.

This may seem trivial, but I don't remember much math or physics. Or biology. I've never really studied. I'm not a studious person. But I did pretty well in those classes. I can memorize things for a short period of time, but if I'm not constantly practicing it, it all goes down the drain. But the other horrible thing is that I'm not really one to practice. It's a horrible combination. How am I going to help my kids with their math homework or physics homework one day?!

I feel stupid. I feel like my brain just absorbs all this information like a sponge, and then because my sponge is overloaded, things just start to drip out if it isn't squeezed out to make room for more information.

I was on facebook earlier, and I was looking at some pages of people I used to talk with everyday. And I have no idea what's going on in their lives now. And they have no idea what's going on with me. I thought about how so many of my relationships have changed dramatically, how I miss my old friends. And it makes me angry how we've lost touch and even though I want to be angry at them for not keeping in touch with me, I then get angry at myself because for most of those relationships it's my fault I didn't keep in touch with them. I'm so wrapped up in my own selfish life that I'm "too busy" to keep up with everyone else's.

And then I just get annoyed at everything.

Just like all the things I've learned, just like all the friends in my life, so many are just slipping like water through my fingers and I feel like I can't hold on to anything.

I know we can't be close friends with everybody. I know we can't retain everything we've heard or read. But my mind just can't seem to wrap around it all.

I haven't run in a long time, and I've chosen to stay in my room when I should've gone out. But I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of myself and how messed up I am.

I can't do this by myself - I can't run this race by myself. I've been chatting with people online, video-chatting, emailing...but it's the internet. I'm tired of the superficial and yearn for something deeper. I want to connect to something deeper. I want more than a pep talk or a cheer up. I feel like I know the answers, I just can't grasp them.

I miss singing from my heart. I've been singing while I've been here, but I've been holding back. My housemate is pretty much always here, and she can hear everything.

I need God.
But I need people, too.
I miss my friends - the ones I have now and the ones I used to have.
I know I only have two weeks left here, it's like the last leg of the race.

I have so many questions and no answers but at the same time you know the answers are right in your hand, like when you come back to your house, the very house you grew up in, only to find that you've forgotten which key unlocks the door.

Oh look, I've returned to writing long blog posts.

GOOD song :D

My iTunes is on shuffle when I listen to it.
When I was listening yesterday, this song came up, and although it's always been a favorite of mine, it particularly speaks to me because I think it's my summer theme song :]

If you guys have never heard of Ginny Owens, something special about her testimony as an artist and Christian is that she's blind but she plays the piano beautifully and sings beautifully as well.

Just wanted to share it with you guys. Go give it a listen!



The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

If You Want Me To // _ginny owens

Michelle, can you accompany this song for me to sing one day?

Oh, and I just realized: Happy August, everybody :D

and this is why i wouldn't be a good teacher.

Yesterday Lucy invited me over to her house, and her sister Georgia and her nephew, three-year-old Gregory, were staying over for the weekend. When I first met gregory, I was like, "aw, he's so cute!" He's a chatty little fella. But just as a couple of hours went on, I began to see that even though Gregory was cute, he wasn't the best behaved kid. Not that he was a bad one, like hitting people or raving around or anything, but you could tell right away that he wasn't as disciplined as he should've been. Throughout the evening I kept picking up on inconsistencies with his mom and how she was treating him - or as Matt Tuttle would input, "reinforcing" (or lack thereof) his behaviors - and that always annoys me. The same thing happened when one of the secretaries brought her three-year-old son to the office. He was a little more rambunctious and defiant than Gregory, and he was even disrespectful to me, but his mom didn't really handle it in a way that would teach him to be more respectful to me. He didn't even really apologize. For both cases, I totally wanted to step in and be firm and stern with them, discipline them myself, but I had to keep my mouth shut and just watch as this all went on before me, because neither of them are my kids, and neither were not placed under my care. I watched as Gregory threw mini-fits and his mom would give in. I'm surprised at myself at how unfazed I am by tantrums. I'd stand my ground. But when the secretary brought her son to the office and yesterday with Lucy's nephew, the moms were right there. I couldn't tell them how to raise their kids or how to teach them. I'm a 19-year-old, and they're...well, they're older. Who am I to tell them how to discipline their boys?

I really hope I'm not like that when I become a mom. Those kind of discipline inconsistencies annoy me so much. I always pick up on how parents deal with their kids. I think my parents taught me too well. I say that to them all the time.

This is partially why I don't want to be a teacher. I don't know if I could deal with that everyday, with more than one kid. I know I could influence them because as their teacher they'd be under my care, but I think I'd be so overwhelmed that it would be more detrimental than beneficial for both them and me.

Teaching older kids would be worse! I'd be so self-conscious about teaching well but also being likeable AND deal with misbehaved kids that I'd probably explode.

There are other reasons why I don't want to be a teacher, too.

So, mid-july when I had my lazy week and didn't do anything at work and didn't do anything after work (which was terrible, by the way. I hate being idle and lazy), I randomly decided to google a bit about the publishing industry.

Why, you ask?

Well, usually when people ask my what my major is and I answer, "English," they go, "Oh, so you want to be a teacher?" And obviously, I do not. So just so they wouldn't look down on me for having no idea what to do with my life, I'd answer, "Oh, but I'm thinking of going into the publishing industry." Which used to be only a quarter true. It was a very distant possibility.

But googling stuff on it during that week, it totally became 100% true.

Haha this became an uber long post and now I'm sleepy and don't feel like explaining why right now. I guess it'll be saved for another post :P

what a boring title for my 100th post.

Who are you when you're all by yourself?
What do you do when no one's looking?
I've been thinking about that a lot. I've been really busy at work - the Dickinson staff has definitely been keeping me on my toes. I stuffed 500 envelopes today for those Dickinson freshies with a letter from the Dickinson Assistant Director, a hot pink card with their building name on it to put on their dashboard when they arrive, a calendar of events, and a Dickinson newsletter. So Matt Tuttle, when Mary gets her Whitney one in the mail, you can tell her I stuffed that envelope and folded the yellow newsletter!
As I was working by myself in the office while everyone was out to lunch, I was reminded of a few things:

• HOUSEKEEPING! Haha. Yeah, folding paper after paper and stuffing envelope after envelope reminded me of Work Crew and how we had to fold linen after linen. Although the work reminded me of the mundane/repetitive Work Crew, it also reminded me of the mindset I had there and the things I learned from that experience. Good times :] I got to pray for the people I was stuffing letters for, too.
• We are also shaped by the decisions we make when we're by ourselves and no one's looking. No one was in the office. I could've easily stopped stuffing, taken a break to go on my computer and chat (which I haven't been able to do for the past few days at all), and then pick back up where I left off right before anyone got back from lunch. I was tempted to. But I think the Holy Spirit reminded me at that point about valuing something like integrity and hard work. Do I do the work I do for people to notice, or do I do it to do my best for the God I serve? You may recall earlier that I said I didn't think I was a very hard worker and that my responsibilities mask my laziness and lack of motivation. I think even my slowly slipping academic grades are starting to reveal what I feel like I've been subconsciously hiding. But something like today helped remind me about hard work. It's my choice. It's up to me how hard I'm going to work, whether or not anyone notices.

Nothing like good hard work to spur me on.
Are we being true? Would your decision to do something or say something remain the same if no one was watching?
We'll be held responsible for our decisions/actions when "no one's" looking just as much as when all eyes are on us.
I was looking at some of my posts and I realize I didn't share with you guys about my epiphany about my academic/career direction.
I guess I'll save that for my 101st post :P

let's step it up.

It's depressing talking to my Dad on the phone.

I used to like it because we'd get a chance to talk about different things I guess, and I know he makes some sort of effort. But we'd always eventually get around to him talking about something that was happening or happened at home, and then he'd say how he misses me. And he says it the way a little kid would say it to his dad that's always away for business meetings. It breaks your heart. He even said last week that he would make ribs just for me, for an incentive for me to come home. It saddened me that he thought he needed to bribe me to come home.

I think I have to stay home next summer.
And possibly winter. Except for Urbana.

So I haven't posted in a while because I'm trying to post when I've collected my thoughts (or want to share my mess of thoughts) of things I've been learning. I don't want this blog to be just "Oh, I did this today," or "Here's something fun and exciting." That, and because I've been busy.

Busyness + Not-really-sure-what-to-write = No blog post.

Anyway, so I guess I was reminded a few times these past couple of weeks of how we're totally and completely responsible for all of our actions. And if we're leaders, we are held accountable to the great God Almighty even more. And I don't mean just having the label of "leader." If you're an older sibling, you're a leader. If you have people who look up to you, you're a leader. If you gather people together, you're a leader. If people are influenced by you, you're a leader. And so forth.

But just think about it: when we stand before the Great Judge, do we want to make excuses or stand there speechless? Can we say to Him that we've done our best with the things He's given us responsibility over?

How about this summer? He's given us this summer to take care of the time wisely and give back to Him. Have we done that? I know I could do a lot better.
We can't get back the time or the opportunities to obey Him that we've lost. But hey, it's up to us whether or not we want to stay on that path.

Remember,

"Mere information makes no one righteous; it only makes us responsible for what we know."
"It is of no use to say we believe something when our actions betray our belief."

Yes, quotes from Becky Pippert's "Out of the Saltshaker." It's scary reading that book because there's so much knowledge I'll be held responsible for. God is calling me to obey. And He's calling you to do the same.

Time to step it up, people! Don't let summer waste away!

video chats = icing on the cake of today

I will go to sleep a happy camper tonight.

Praise God for blessing me with a Saturday like this one.

Hanging out with Carrie Moorhead during this summer so far has been nothing but pure awesomeness, as I had expected. Even just running errands with her is fun :] We stopped by Good Shepherd's chicken bbq today so she could pick up a half chicken to support her church. We got to take some free brownies, which, of course if you know me, makes me VERY happy. It is a dessert that has somehow weasled its way into becoming a favorite.

Anyway, I helped Carrie sand down her dining room floor today. I think it's a privilege to help Carrie out this summer with her house. I know it's a big project that's overwhelming for her, and I'm really glad God brought me here to help ease her load. I guess God had me helping her a different way than I expected this summer, which is still pretty awesome. It makes me think about all those house metaphors for life lessons...but I'll talk about those another time i guess :P I'm just glad I can help Carrie out in any way I can.

We're going to meet together every week for the rest of the summer, too. I love talking with Carrie. Sigh. I just love Carrie. She's like that mentor I've always prayed for :]

God has been answering my prayers of wanting to truly love my housemate the way He would. I'm starting to get that sense of the Holy Spirit working in my heart, helping me put aside my selfishness and pride. It's scary, but good.

On top of a wonderful day, I had some awesome video-chats. Pam was on Janah's gchat so we got to talk for a good half-hour about friends, God's plans for us, a little bit of what she's been doing/where she's going, my haircut story, and other stuff while Janah made pancakes next to her.

Funniest parts? Here, I'll give you a glimpse inside our convo:

Me: HEY! THAT'S MY SHIRT! You're wearing my shirt!

Janah: This sounds like an exact conversation I have with my sister.

Pam: I wore this shirt all week.

Janah: She rolled in the mud with it.

Me: So that means you thought of me all day, every day this entire week then, right? Right?

Pam: Ooh, here, let me show you something I got you.

Me: Ooh, you got me something?

Pam: Yeah, but I've been using it every day since I've got it.

Me: You're USING it?! You've been using the gift you got me?!

Pam: See? So I've been thinking of you everyday because I'm using it.

Me: Oh, so that AND my shirt you're wearing, right? I can't believe you took my shirt.

Actually, I can believe that she took my shirt. She would totally do that.

I was really sad she had to leave. We have so much to talk about.

After that, Matt started video-chatting with me...except it was a whole bunch of GFC guys in a basement! I was really surprised. But it made me really happy. They played "Come, Now is the Time to Worship" with like, 9 key changes? By the time it reached the 9th my ears died. But it was funny. It was cool to kind of "hang out" with the GFCers when I'm here at school, especially when I don't hang out much with them back home. I felt like I was part of their crowd :] Plus, it was like bonding with my cousin Josh. Which is awesome.

Speaking of cousins:

Josh's older brothers are crazy. These are two pictures of many of my oldest cousin Jason with Michelle Kwan and Nastia Liuken (yes, just for you, Tuttle). Jared, the middle of the J-boys (or Eng boys) is the founder/writer of the ever so popular JustJared.com (aka Tuttle's favorite website), and Jason is the CEO of JJ, apparently. He and my cousin-in-law (I think that's so cool to say) Liana moved to L.A. recently, so I can now say I have relatives in L.A.! I hope I get to visit them one day. My cousins are so cool. All of them, not just Jason and Jared. I'm really glad I've been getting to know them better, little by little, as we all grow older and change and mature so much (well...sort of :P). I realize how life has been changing since I was younger, and how our relationships with people need to adjust to those changes. Things are not forever. And sometimes, it's the relationships that are willing to adjust to the change that are worth investing in.

Anyway, what a day of greatness.

Oh, and to top it all off, I got to chat with Michelle. I hadn't talked to her in a couple of days after getting a stupendously awesome letter from her the other day. I always look forward to talking to her and telling her about great days like these!

so this is francis chan.

Michelle shared these with me today, as these are the videos she and the Huiboys watched before their Bible study:

push.

I wanted to go to sleep about 45 mins. - 1 hr ago, but as I was befriending the guys upstairs, talking and praying with Karen, and then reading "Out of the Saltshaker" in bed today, all of these thoughts kept coming to mind that I knew would not be communicated as clearly or strongly tomorrow as they would freshly right now.

So I turned my computer back on and decided to write it all down. I realize all my thoughts might turn into a big blob of a blog, so I'll make a list:

1. Laziness is a foothold for Satan to slip in.
2. Idleness is like a crowded room full of people trying to all tell you lies. It's hard to hear God's voice.
3. It's been discouraging trying to talk to people about leading the hospitality ministry in their living community next year.
4. I really stink at vision-casting/articulating my big heart for hospitality.
5. Conversing with others is something I must continue to practice, even though it's hard and uncomfortable for me. I'm more timid/quiet than you may think.
6. Something that's great about "Out of the Saltshaker" is how Becky Pippert addresses issues that I wouldn't normally think of having to do with evangelism, but then ties it into how it has everything to do with evangelism, which therefore changes my perspective of evangelism because the issues are prevalent ones in my life that I originally compartmentalized separately but see now that they go hand-in-hand. (You may need to read this one over again several times to understand. It's amazing how complex my sentences can be at 2AM)
7. I think we've all hit a summer rut. We're all stuck in this summer routine, not really in a "spiritual high" or "spiritual low," but not really doing anything about it, either. We're not swimming forward, we're not drifting backward, but we're not treading water, either. Which means, of course, that we're sinking and don't even realize it.
8. I don't believe I am a hard worker. I think all my busyness during the school year masks my actual lack of hard work. I want to work hard, though. I want to be diligent. I'll probably post more on that another time.
9. After watching so much tv, I've had this strange desire to become someone famous. Preferably a famous singer or actress.
10. After reading up on a handful of celebrities and how they got where they are, I realize this will probably never happen to me, especially because of #8. And because I'd probably have to work on #4, which is hard.
11. I do not desire to become famous anymore.
12. I think desiring that ties into my desire to have clear direction in my future, of which I have none right now, and it's hard to tell people that when they say, "Oh, so you want to be a teacher then?" when I tell them I'm an English major. No, I do not want to be a teacher.
13. I started putting together my full schedule (classes + extracurriculars) today. I will be writing my desired epitaph shortly. I will, however, not be needing it any time soon for the sake of Michelle's desire to live. And, okay, maybe God's not through with me yet.
14. I have some lyrics for a new song, but am stuck for a melody.
15. Like my life, I have practically no direction for my novel/stories. Just ideas.
16. My life is not meaningless. I can't believe I'm turning 20 soon.
17. I told you this list would turn into a big blob.

I like the number 17.
I should probably go to sleep now.

out of the saltshaker.

When I first started reading, "Out of the Saltshaker and into the World" by Rebecca Pippert, I was like, "Alright, Becky Pippert. Let's see what you've got." This book has always been a highly acclaimed one, as I've seen it and heard about it from a bountiful number of people, especially people I look up to and highly respect. So going into the book, I wanted to see what was so great about it.

I started reading it last year and it was interesting enough, but somehow I either got lost amongst my readings for school or I just somehow didn't feel motivated to read it, so it went into my book hibernation for a while.

But this summer, as I've been trying to read as many books as I can (ooh, I'll put a list of books I've been reading up), I am really determined to finish Out of the Saltshaker. I took a chance and decided to start the book over instead of continuing where I left off (which I don't normally like to do because it makes getting through the book more daunting) by reading it on one of my bus rides back to school. It was awesome because I caught up and actually read a little further by the time the bus ride was over.

I'm not even halfway through and already I am drawn by Becky Pippert's approach to evangelism, just by the way she structures the book and the things she chooses to focus on. She has a good balance of heavy content with personal anecdotes that help me understand and keep me focused and interested in reading so that I keep going. I keep underlining things, too.

I wanted to write this post to share some tidbits from the chapter I just finished because it gave me new perspective not only on my approach to evangelism, but struck a chord with things I'd been struggling with during my entire college experience so far:

Mere information makes no one righteous; it only makes us responsible for what we know.

It is of no use to say we believe in something when our actions betray our beliefs.

Knowledge must automatically translate into obedience, be it words or action.

What does it mean to obey? Obedience requires the discerning ear, the ear that listens for the reality of the situation, a listening that allows the hearer to respond to that reality, whatever it may be.

It is true, of course, that none of of us can encompass the depth of all God's desires for us as expressed in Scripture. We are finite. But what we know we must obey.

And, one of my favorites:

When I worked with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, I used to ask college students if they had learned much at a weekend conference. They would often answer, "Oh yeah. You should see how many notebooks I filled." And my response would be, "You don't have to show me your notebooks. If you learned anyhting, I'll see it in your life."

That's one of my favorites because I take notes ALL the time. But those notes are useless and pointless if I'm not going to live out the things I write down.

The sequel to this post will be titled, "Out of the Saltshaker and...Stuck to the Peppershaker."

Stay tuned :]

hallelujah, productivity is kicking in.

Hooray, the laziness is finally making it's way out the door! Well...sort of. Slowly but surely, people.

Because I've gone home these past two long weekends, Mr. Laziness has been taking over my life. I'd come back from work, watch some tv (to rest after the hike up to Susquehanna :P), maybe fix a snack and do stuff on the computer until I felt like eating - which I all enjoyed. It was good to relax.

But in the back of my mind I always knew there were things to get done, people I needed to talk to, and goals to accomplish.

I wanted to punish myself each night after a day of absolute laziness. But I didn't know how to, so I didn't. I decided to let the guilt sink in. That was punishment enough.

There are a number of "pushes" God gave me to help me get in my work mode. Getting to talk to Karen again (we missed a few nights because I was home and we were both a bit busy) helped me get back on the right track. I know she's been a busy one and it's really tough for her in D.C. but she perseveres and relies on God to help her through.

Talking to Michelle also got me going. I love that girl like no other and one thing that's great is not only do I love just being with her, talking with her, and living with her, but I love working with her as well. Yesterday I realized how busy we're actually going to be next year (busier than freshman and sophomore year? Is it possible? Apparently it is), and the pressures of being an upperclassman, although we feel like we already became upperclassmen when we became sophomores. As both Karen and Michelle said to me, we're both very excited but very nervous about being Juniors.

As a result, it motivates me to make sure I continue to prepare well this summer to brace myself for the upcoming semester. And I don't mean just accomplishing tasks here and there, but preparing spiritually as well. Let's pray for how God is moving and working in people's lives right now as we approach the imminent and daunting semester.

Let's go, people. We've got work to do!

invitation to solitude and silence.

"For me, productivity can no longer be measured solely by numbers of things - number of books written, number of new messages prepared and delivered, number of retreats led, number of people evangelized. Plenty of that is still happening, but that is no longer the way I mesaure success. Success for me now is measured by whether I am living within the rhythms of work and rest, solitude and community, silence and word necessary so the quality of my presence with God and with people and tasks is chracterized by love and attention, wisdom and discernment. Success is knowing that the jar of river water is still finding time to sit still so the waters of my soul are clear enough to discern, to the best of my ability, what this moment calls for, and the next, and the next, and the next.

I have watched my life carefully enough to have a pretty good sense of how much time I need to spend in solitude and silence daily, weekly and monthly in order to stay grounded in God and for His love and wisdom to flow more consistently through my life. It has taken a number of years of exploring and experimenting for me to know what's needed to be truly well at the soul level, but I am now as clear about that as I am about knowing that I need to eat three meals a day.

These rhythms have become nonnegotiables in my life, but I don't hold to them legalistcally. When they slip, I don't indulge in a guilt binge, I don't look to external motivators to find my way back, and I don't push harder on things that aren't working. Instead I just notice: Where has my desire gone? What have I gotten caught up in that has caused me to be out of touch with my desire and capacity to give God my undivided attention in solitude?"
--Invitation to Solitude and Silence, by Ruth Haley Barton

This book was so good, I'm going to read it again. I'll take notes this time.

the office.

No, I'm not talking about the tv show.

I'm talking about the actual office I work in during this summer. I've been realizing over the past couple of weeks that the office can be infested with gossip.

I have a list in my blue book called, "Things to Research/Learn More About," and under "mentorship" and "fasting" is, "gossip." Not that it's in a particular order. But gossip is one of those topics I'm never really quite sure about.

I was telling Karen this, and she asked me what Carrie's definition of it was when we talked about it during Work Crew. But I don't remember. Let's do some googling.

Dictionary.com says gossip is...idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others.

I could see some of the talk in the office, if not most of it, being gossippy. It's actually how I find out about a lot of things that they don't directly tell me. I'm often tempted to tell Michelle about any of it, but thankfully the Spirit helps me resist.

The main problem isn't identifying what is gossip and what isn't gossip - the problem is that I'm in the office and can't remove myself so that I don't listen to it. I'm very quiet in the office and I don't talk much (because I'm a horrible conversationalist or shy or Asian, however you want to put it) unless someone talks to me, so when the other secretaries or staff are making conversation, it's extra hard for me to resist listening because I'm right there.

Is that all I should do? Just do my best to concentrate on my work (which doesn't require much thinking, so that doesn't help) and ignore their talk?

I've thought about saying something. But since I'm not directly involved in their conversations I don't really know what I would say in a situation like that. Plus, I'd feel out of place to pipe up.

Or am I wrong? Am I just being my avoid-conflict-at-all-costs self?

On a side note, would you look at that - my posts are becoming more brief but still sufficient. Go me.

technological advancements are the world's bullhorns for saying, "don't slow down!"

Why are we all fascinated by other people's lives?

Is it because we think the grass is greener on the other side? Or is it because we know the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side, but it sure as heck has to be better than being on this side?
Is it because our curiosity just chokes us that much? Do we want to learn from other people's lives or identify with them and find relief that there's someone else in the world who feels the same way we feel?

I know I tell people I feel old nowadays, becoming an upper-classman in college this fall, and watching my younger brothers and sisters grow up so fast, but I've been thinking a lot about how much our culture has changed and how fast it's been moving even within my lifetime thus far. Even with all these issues of marriage arising everywhere in my life. It reminds me that I'm still actually pretty young, and even so, our advancements in technology and the pace of change in our culture has been growing faster than I've been growing older.

It hit me today that I'll be turning 20 this year - that's TWO decades.

I thought about this show I saw (on the history channel I believe) when I was over at U.P. one time a couple of weeks ago. It was about technology of the 90s, which caught my attention because obviously I grew up during those times.
And it put me in perspective: 10-15 years ago, people had to write their discertations on typewriters that had no backspace. During the same time, cell phones were as big as your forearm and computers were as heavy as two kids' weights put togeether, with a itty bitty screen.

Nowadays, things have gotten tinier, things have gotten smarter, and things have gotten faster and easier.

While I was growing up, touch-screens used to be icons for futuristic ideals in movies and tv shows. Today, it's the norm. Many people have touch-screen devices in their pocket, let alone in a big company or agency.

Everything is moving quickly, and as my summer has been forcing my life to slow down, I've begun to see the world with different eyes. It's like I've been letting the world pull me through this tornado of norm, and now I've realized I've been getting sucked in.

Ah, this ties in with communication and how technology has changed the way we all communicate with one another. But again, I will save this for another day. I'm telling you, these main thoughts in my head - passion, celebrities, technology - they're all intertwined with each other and with my own thoughts about my life and my future as well.

hello, fresh grammatical start.

A few days ago, I decided that since I'm an English major, I should probably start writing like one. It can't hurt to put capital letters where they're supposed to go, right? I like writing with lower case letters, but if I'm ever going to apply myself in a publishing/writing career, I should start practicing like the big professionals and use capital letters. It's not a big deal.

I shall, however, keep the lowercased letters in my blog titles. Just for kicks.

On another note....

I've been thinking a lot about a few things lately: passion, celebrities, and our crazy fast-growing technology/internet/communication obsessions in the world. They're all kind of related to each other, too.

I've been thinking about passion and how much I lack it. There are a lot of things I like to do that seem to produce decent results: singing, writing, baking, photography...things like that. But I don't seem to have the passion to drive me to push these "talents" to another level. I feel like I have potential, but lack so much knowledge and experience that I wouldn't know how to pursue excellence. That, and I don't have the money. It seems like pursuing passion has a huge price tag attached to it.

Another question: should we pursue passion? Excellence? How do I know that's what God wants me to do? This is what happens when God gives me too many choices, too many paths. I want to make Him proud, and obey His call for me. But I don't know what He wants me to do. I know we should take one day at a time, but we need to have some sort of plan, too, right? Or do we?

So I was thinking about celebrities, and how so many people follow these people's lives to such detail and with such resolution and desire. We love having other people to criticize or praise, people who we think we identify with, people we can look up to, people we can look down on. They're lives we strive to have, or they're lives we can say, "Oh, I'm glad I have it better than them," to. Or we're just curious. We're curious as to what it looks like to have the life of fame, to have people follow you and know your name.

I was also thinking about how much work, craziness, and pressure celebrities have to go through every single day. It's a popularity contest of who's under the microscope, and if you're not under the microscope, you're dismissed from the popularity contest, unless you really make a unique and legendary name for yourself.

I wonder what God thinks of our pop culture.

There's a lot more to say, but I'll save it for another post. I've been thinking a lot about it. It ties in with our fast advancements in technology and communication, too.

going home.

okay, so my haircut isn't as bad as i first initially freaked out about.
but ONLY because i clip my hair back.
to be honest, my hair doesn't look all that different to the untrained eye. so a picture would not suffice because there's just no need for it.
but believe me, if your name is michelle, libby, kenzie, or fay, you never heard the end of my hair freak-out last week.

i went to the salon right after i got home from the bus (of which we literally traveled from happy sunshine weather into dreary, humid, rainy weather, but it's okay), which was like...5/5:30ish? but i was shocked to find out that not only was a guy going to cut my hair...but he didn't speak english! let's just say, lesson learned: don't get hair cut by someone who doesn't understand english. i thought it would be fine. and actually, it WAS fine. so i was pretty okay by the time he got to my bangs.

yes. my precious bangs.

he tricked me, i tell ya! he gained my trust enough to let him cut my bangs. well, i let him. and he cut them too short. yeah. i freaked out. i had to stop him mid-trim. so he finished blow-drying my hair and everything, and by the time he was done, i looked like a fob with uneven bangs. it was a nightmare.
i left the salon with my hand on my forehead and walked through main street like that (if i wasn't supposed to meet priscilla on main street i would've taken the back roads). and main street is the worst place to walk around with a bad haircut. if i was at BJ's or the library or something like that, alright whatever. i'd deal. but main street...you NEVER know who's in flushing, and they could be anywhere and spot you, but you wouldn't know! they could be on a bus, or in a store or in a restaurant or across the street and see you and be like, "oh hey, that's tammy!" but then not have the ability or desire to actually acknowledge that they've spotted you. believe me, flushing is THE place to bump into people you know if you live in NYC. on average i've bumped into one or two people per trip to flushing. freaky, i know.

i held my hand on my forehead, walking really quickly with my eyes on the ground pathetically until i reached the bus stop and realized i had a hood that i could wear on my head. i looked like a hoodlum.

i still freaked out after i washed my hair and everything because it was just short. i couldn't do anything to it. i just have to wait until it grows.

but it's okay, i'm fine now. freak-out is over. i love my layered hair. it's still nice and long, just the way i like it. now it's just a little less boring for me. little differences that really, only i can tell. no biggie.

when i freaked out at home and told my mom i looked like a fob (which she didn't know what it stood for), she said, "it's cute. maybe i think it's cute because you look like those korean girls in the korean dramas i watch." did NOT make me feel better, even though she was joking.

and then later when i was going to sleep, my mom was watching one of her korean dramas and pointed to the tv, saying, "hey look, she's got your haircut." and it was TRUE!
haha that was a pretty funny moment, though. my mom can be funny :D

anyway, being home was really good. i got to go to kenzie's graduation, hang out with my family, hang out with priscilla a little while, spend some hours with the tsai family...oh man, that was an awesome time. isaiah, the boy who only spoke complicated words like "ringtone," and, "museum," and not simple ones like "tammy," was now talking up a storm. samuel, my secret-quiet-biggest-fan was a little sick with a fever, and joshua was off to his last day of school. here are some of my favorite moments of the day:

me: here, isaiah, let's use bolt [they have a giant stuffed animal movie dog bolt] as a pillow.
isaiah: goat is my pillow.
me: you mean bolt?

auntie karen: okay, samuel, you have to go to your room and rest.
[samuel proceeds to cry]
auntie karen: why are you crying?
[samuel continues to cry]
auntie karen: is it because miss tammy's here and you want to play with her?
[samuel nods while continuing to cry]

joshua: samuel, can you come sit next to me?
samuel: okay.

joshua: mommy, i want to show miss tammy the bike game.
auntie karen: i don't know, joshua. miss tammy has to meet her friend after lunch.
joshua: samuel, can you show me how to play the bike game?

auntie karen: tammy, joshua wants to know if you can stay longer so he can play with you because he didn't get to while he was at school today.

it was good catching up a little bit with auntie karen, too. one day i'm going to take all three kids off of her hands for an entire day. she deserves it.

i got to hang out with libby and some church friends, and then bing friends on saturday! i went to a cappella in the park at central park, and my dad surprised me by showing up...on his bike! he biked all the way to central park (which apparently isn't that far to him because it's five miles shorter than his regular route) just to hear us sing. of course, i got extremely frustrated that we didn't know what was going on with what songs were were singing or when we were singing, but after we got past that it was all good. and really fun! and i got my chinese food fix thanks to steve and his help of narrowing down choices and ordering for me in chinese :P

one of the best parts of home was having a better attitude towards my parents and being home. after our "big talk" i expected things to be the same and not change (like always), but God has changed my heart a bit (as usual) and has been helping me love my parents in a different way. i've been trying to love them in the way they need to be loved, and i know they've been trying to love me in the way that i need to be loved. and, we're communicating! sometimes it's delayed or gets a little mixed up, but it's happening. i don't just let things go straight under the rug anymore, either. i've been forgiving them and giving grace to them in the ways i'd normally be selfish about, and making an extra effort to show them i appreciate them and love them in the ways they feel loved and cared about.

that, and my dad has texting now, so it makes communicating with him a little easier. and more fun :P

practice makes perfect, but discipline molds character.

as most of you know, i hate running.

but, i end up making myself do it anyway, because i know it's good exercise.
(and believe me, considering the portions of food and how unhealthily i eat, i need the exercise all the more)

as most of you know, i hate washing dishes.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to take up my responsibility and to love others.

as most of you know, i hate talking on the phone for long periods of time.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to build the relationships i have with those who aren't nearby.

and it's funny, because as i was doing these things this weekend, i realized i don't really hate it as much as i used to. like, i still don't like any of those things, but i'm not as repulsed by it as i used to be.

as i was running today, towards that point where i started saying to myself, "i hate running. i hate running. can i stop now? how about now?" i managed to hear an encouraging voice that pushed me through (it sounded a lot like pam's, when we ran together). and i was like, hey look at that. i ran a lot better than last time.

and i thought about how much i disciplined myself to go running at night a few times a week since i've been here. i'm shocked. if i had my way, i'd never go.

but making the decision to go, and then taking steps to do a little more, go a little farther or a little faster each time, really changes over time.

i was washing the dishes my housemates left in the sink the other day, and i made me think about how i've always hated washing dishes, and how i started doing them anyway after college, even at times when i had the choice not to. i started doing them for other people whenever the opportunity came up because i wanted to show them i cared about them enough to do something i really hated doing. and i kept disciplining myself to do it. and time has gone on, and i did it over and over and over again, it started becoming automatic and i don't seem to mind it as much. it's become less of a thing to grumble about in my mind and more of thing to just do out of love, even if it means nothing to the other person, or if the person doesn't even notice.

the same thing happened with talking on the phone. i was a horrible long-distance communicator freshman year of college because i wasn't used to having to communicate in such a different way. back home i always saw my friends and family numerous times a week on a regular basis, so i've never found the need to call anyone or write anyone a letter, or send anyone an email. i've learned it's something that takes practice, discipline, initiative, and grace. it's easier, of course, when the efforts of communication is highly mutual, but when it isn't, that's where grace and patience come in. you keep trying. you don't have to stress over it, complain about it, or get frustrated over the other person not making the same effort. that's when you give that grace. but you keep trying, do something every once in a while, even if that person doesn't respond. that's what you do when you love someone (if i fall, i try a little harder to get back up. please stay by me, love, that's what you do when you love someone - haha i thought of this bethany dillon song when i said that). when you love someone, you give and give without expecting or desiring anything in return. that's what a gift is. a gift of grace.

but yeah, i've been disciplining myself over this past year to try a little harder, and my friends and family have been gracious and patient with me, but also have been continually making efforts as well.

now i know what it's like to experience growth and a deepening of relationships, even though there are miles between. and i love it. i email people all the time, will send something in the mail once in a while, and will talk on the phone randomly or on a regular basis. it's something i've been disciplining myself to do, pressing a little longer, pushing a little harder, and it's become more natural to do, and less of an obligation. these things are beginning to grow into things that i want to do.

and that's what i need to do everyday with spiritual disciplines. it may be easier to automatically speak to someone with an icy tone when i'm annoyed, or to just skip reading the Bible when i don't understand it. it may be easier to say, "oh, i want to go into publishing," rather than, "oh, i think God might want me to consider being an IV staff worker," or, "i don't know what God wants me to do in the future." it may be easier to pray for myself rather than pray for others. it may be easier just to stay in my room instead of hanging out with people i don't normally hang out with, or wander into one of my housemate's rooms, or be mad at my parents for not being the way i want them to be, or when they don't try to really listen to me.

but everyday we make a million choices, big and small. the big ones, they're a little more obvious, a little easier to catch. it's when we discipline ourselves in the small choices, the ones where we make a decision within a few minutes or even a split few seconds, and continually choose the pathway that Jesus would take, that it'll become more natural, and our character will start to look a lot more like His.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
--Colossians 3:1-7

every morning, you choose your own clothes to wear that day.
let us choose to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience to live the holy life Christ exemplified for us.

obama-drama

yes, it's true. i dreamt about the obama family last night/this morning.

my mom was not my mom. apparently my mom was this non-Asian lady (i think she might've been Hispanic), i had no dad, and my mom owned this really small restaurant somewhere that hardly anyone came to. i was the oldest in my family, and i had like a few little siblings that weren't really important in my dream. i helped take care of the restaurant and things like that.

and in my dream, the obama family decided to come to our restaurant! it was craziness. there was nobody in the restaurant and barely anyone on the streets, except for the president's entourage of cars and bodyguards. it seemed like either nobody cared or nobody knew that the obamas came to our restaurant, but we were the happiest people to have such an honor.

before the obamas arrived, there was a guy who helped me prepare for the big dinner, who apparently was a neighborhood guy a little older than me but was around all the time to help out in the restaurant. i think he was a really good friend of mine. not my best friend, but a close friend. so he was helping me carry some supplies into the restaurant (as he always did, apparently), and my mom and some of her friends were whispering and giggling as they watched us carry stuff in. it turns out they really wanted me and my friend to start dating and eventually get married. i was like, uh...awkward.

anyway, when the obamas arrived, nobody was around. i had a really good time. it was a polite but warm and friendly dinner. i really liked their family and it seemed like they really liked my family. they said they chose our restaurant because they really liked the food (although how it was good food but nobody was ever in our restaurant or how the obama family heard about it, i don't know).

and then i woke up.
but it's a rainy, lazy saturday, so i decided to go back to sleep.
and the dream continued.

so then the obama family said they were going to be in town for the weekend and invited me (not my little siblings, who were envious) to walk around town and maybe go shopping. and of course i agreed!
we were having a lot of fun and went into this really fancy fancy handbag store, and i saw something i really liked and after consulting with michelle obama and her two girls, i decided to get it. i took it up to the register while the obamas continued to browse. the guy at the register was really creepy looking. he rang it up and it came out to $170! i was like, "ohhh, heck no." so i started panicking and was like, "okay, nevermind i don't want the bag."
but the guy said, "sorry, once the bag is rung up you have to pay the bill."
i started worrying about going over my credit limit (which was like, $150 or something like that) and that my dad (who was nonexistent??) would kill me if a) i went over my limit, and b) that i went over my limit for buying a $170 handbag. so i did something out of character and kind of argued with the cashier. i was like, "what do you mean, i have to pay the bill?! can't you just cancel it like it never happened??" except i was whispering really loudly because i didn't want the obamas to hear me.
and so the guy and i started arguing, me whispering really loudly, the guy, not so much.
and i turned around, seeing the obama family standing closely behind me, waiting for me so we could leave. and i knew they could hear what was going on. they were watching me and definitely in close enough proximity.

i expected the president, who was standing right there, to step in and see what the problem was, the cash register guy would go all googly-eyed for being in the presence of the president, to just let the whole thing go and let me keep the bag. or, i expected michelle obama to step in, see what the problem was, try to negotiate calmly, and then if the guy was still stubborn, to just pay for the bag for me.

but nothing happened. and i got frustrated not just because it meant i really had to pay for the bag and deal with the consequences, but also because i felt betrayed and fooled. i had tricked myself into thinking that the obama family had my back, that they really liked me and cared about me. i felt defeated.

i can't remember what happened at the end. if i paid for the bag and pretended like everything was fine and left with the family, or if i decided to just leave the bag and leave the store.

and then mary situ called me. that's how i woke up. but that is a story for tomorrow.