Yesterday I had the opportunity to drive a student home from Large Group. I'm really glad I did because spending time with her struck a familiar chord in me: how much I love listening to people share their stories.
If you know me well, you know that I really dislike small talk. What's your name? What do you do? Oh? What are you studying? Where do you live? I hate that I often have to collect the basic pieces of information before I can dig deep and get to the more valuable stuff in a conversation. I want to know what you're passionate about, what you're frustrated with, who you want to become, and what issues you're struggling through. I want to know your story. I want to know the real you.
It takes practice, and it takes courage. It takes practice to think of questions to ask that could nudge the conversation in that direction, to try and read the person in the moment, and without making the person feel awkward or uncomfortable. It takes courage to ask the deeper questions, to share some of your own real stories, and to actively listen without judgment and without automatically trying to fix problems.
It takes patience, and it takes resilience. Not everyone you talk to is willing to go very deep right away or at all. And just because it works out or doesn't work out once doesn't mean others won't share or that the same person wouldn't be willing to share their stories next time.
I don't always attempt to practice or pull together the courage. I don't always have the patience or the resiliency. I'm not always intentional. I'm not always satisfied when I am. To love someone that way often means you put yourself out there for the other person without expecting anything in return.
The conversation I had with this student I drove home last night was the first I've had with her. All I did was ask her in what ways God has been challenging her through InterVarsity, and she shared with me about how difficult it is for her to trust people lately. She shared with me about how she thinks that struggle has come about, with some difficult family situations she's witnessed and has experienced. She shared so openly without my prompting, all in just a few minutes.
She didn't have to. She could've answered the question differently or avoided the question altogether, saying, "I don't know." Instead, she took the brave opportunity of sharing some her story, the real her. And I felt loved to receive that gift from her.
Showing posts with label InterVarsity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label InterVarsity. Show all posts
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Desert ground.
I've learned many important things about marriage before I actually got married. One of those things was that getting married doesn't erase the loneliness in your life. It makes sense - the marriage of two people means the marriage of two sinful people who live in a sinful world. And while Jesus is our ultimate source of comfort and joy, it doesn't mean you won't ever feel lonely.
This year was a pretty rough one, in that every area of my life was in transition, change, and in some cases, chaos. But in the invisible and subtle ways that God often works, He pulled me through. I don't really know how He did (though I'm pretty sure having Nathan in my life had something to do with it), and I'm still having trouble connecting with God and experiencing His presence in my life this year, but I feel like the storm has passed for the time being. It still has its effects, but that's a whole different story.
Though, as I've been reflecting on my lack of best friends, mourning the loss of community, and chewing through the time and effort it takes to build a new one, I think I'm beginning to feel a sense of loneliness sink in for the first time. I think part of what evoked it is from the fact that I'm in NYC without Pam or my dad around, and Nathan is away hiking the Appalachian Trail for a few days in radio silence. Some of it just comes out of the basic desire for someone to take initiative with me - to be excited that I was in NYC and express desire to spend time with me without me having to fish for it.
From there, my loneliness manifests itself just from thinking - wondering whether or not I make some difference in the world and if I really matter to people besides those who are kind of obligated to love me (aka, my family and Nathan). Or what my life would look like if I didn't work for InterVarsity, having some pretty stellar colleagues who are there for me simply through the circumstances that we work together. Even though in movies it's always inspiring and sweet when something tragic happens to someone and they discover all of these people who come flocking to them with encouragement and support, I don't want to wait for something tragic to happen to me to find out who really cares.
It sounds pretty emo when I read that. But I think it feels like because I've moved out of Rochester, I've moved out of people's lives. It feels like it has caused a chasm in physical distance and relational distance, and no one really wants to make the effort to reach across it, even just to meet me halfway. There's this hunger in me to go deeper with others; not necessarily to debate things like political views, theological beliefs, or the weaknesses of this generation; but instead to listen to others' struggles, character flaws, or mistakes, and to be able to share mine. I want to be one of the first ones they think of to share some joyful piece of news, and vice versa; simply so that we could be there for each other.
This year was a pretty rough one, in that every area of my life was in transition, change, and in some cases, chaos. But in the invisible and subtle ways that God often works, He pulled me through. I don't really know how He did (though I'm pretty sure having Nathan in my life had something to do with it), and I'm still having trouble connecting with God and experiencing His presence in my life this year, but I feel like the storm has passed for the time being. It still has its effects, but that's a whole different story.
Though, as I've been reflecting on my lack of best friends, mourning the loss of community, and chewing through the time and effort it takes to build a new one, I think I'm beginning to feel a sense of loneliness sink in for the first time. I think part of what evoked it is from the fact that I'm in NYC without Pam or my dad around, and Nathan is away hiking the Appalachian Trail for a few days in radio silence. Some of it just comes out of the basic desire for someone to take initiative with me - to be excited that I was in NYC and express desire to spend time with me without me having to fish for it.
From there, my loneliness manifests itself just from thinking - wondering whether or not I make some difference in the world and if I really matter to people besides those who are kind of obligated to love me (aka, my family and Nathan). Or what my life would look like if I didn't work for InterVarsity, having some pretty stellar colleagues who are there for me simply through the circumstances that we work together. Even though in movies it's always inspiring and sweet when something tragic happens to someone and they discover all of these people who come flocking to them with encouragement and support, I don't want to wait for something tragic to happen to me to find out who really cares.
It sounds pretty emo when I read that. But I think it feels like because I've moved out of Rochester, I've moved out of people's lives. It feels like it has caused a chasm in physical distance and relational distance, and no one really wants to make the effort to reach across it, even just to meet me halfway. There's this hunger in me to go deeper with others; not necessarily to debate things like political views, theological beliefs, or the weaknesses of this generation; but instead to listen to others' struggles, character flaws, or mistakes, and to be able to share mine. I want to be one of the first ones they think of to share some joyful piece of news, and vice versa; simply so that we could be there for each other.
Monday, April 1, 2013
My first Easter as a married woman.
We celebrated Easter in Binghamton, work has been kicking our butts, and I've got that "Ho Hey" song stuck in my head. Okay, that last one was more of a random, unimportant thought to share. Still, there are a lot of thoughts to unpack, but since I'm a big fan of linear thinking, we'll go in the order I've said them.
Nathan and I did indeed celebrate our first Easter as a married couple in our alma mater town. Most of our friends there assumed we were on our way down to NYC or were passing through Binghamton on our return home to Rochester. But neither were true. The original plan was always Rochester-to-Binghamton, Binghamton-back-to-Rochester.
Ironically, Easter was never a big thing to celebrate in my community growing up. I say, 'ironically,' because as Christians, it should be one of our biggest celebrations of the year. Very arguably bigger than Christmas. It's the day we recognize Jesus's power to conquer death, the penalty he took on himself though we deserved it. Declaring, "Christ is risen!" and, "Alleluia!" doesn't even seem to capture the magnitude of awe for what Christ has done.
But I don't have many childhood memories of making Easter a big deal. My family didn't get together to have a special meal, and my church would maybe sing some special songs and put white, smelly lilies at the foot of the sanctuary podium. Besides those few things and my Sunday School teacher saying, "Happy Resurrection Sunday!" to everyone he passed by, Easter more often than not didn't feel very different from any other Sunday. And it's only within the past several years where I actually began to care enough to notice and grew a desire to do something about it.
Now, even though I come from an Asian American Christian background/community, I can't assume or blatantly generalize that we're not joyful or that the way we express it is simply wrong (I can rant about the ideas I have for ways the Asian American Christian community could celebrate Easter in a special way without losing or diminishing our Asian American culture, but that's a post I've already done somewhat and can continue at another time). Instead, my desire comes from a place of wanting to partake in a corporate celebration that expresses deep, gracious joy in a way that's special from ordinary days but isn't so completely different that it distracts me from the true focus.
Visiting Binghamton was a great opportunity to fulfill this desire. Last year, Nathan attended the Anglican Church of the Good Shepherd's (a church we've been to several times because some of our friends go there) Easter Vigil and Sunday Easter Service and joined the MacQuarrie family (InterVarsity volunteers) Easter dinner as well. Nathan's love and appreciation of worship through liturgy (as well as the pastor's teaching), and the notorious chaos of the MacQuarrie family get-togethers had won him over so much that he asked me if we could go back this year. Although my introverted side of me cringed a little, the idea of visiting friends and celebrating Easter in a new way immediately outweighed any of my hesitations.
There are so many thoughts I could share from this great weekend (though it had its hiccups as well), but since it's the end of Easter weekend I'll share one thing that struck me during the Easter service sermon:
I am like the women who went to Jesus' tomb with embalming spices. Like them, I have been following Jesus for a long time. Like them, I know His promises in my head. And I've tried and tried and tried to jump-start this knowledge as felt reality. But this year it's been hard to feel His presence. And as this year has gone on, it has gotten harder to believe His promises. As I said earlier, ministry work has been kicking my butt - and when your husband's ministry work is also kicking his butt, and you're adjusting to married life with someone who's almost your complete opposite while also trying to develop solid community from scratch in the post-grad world, it can take a toll on your already waning relationship with Jesus. I began to mourn the loss of my relationship with Jesus the way the women were convinced Jesus was not coming back.
But today, while there was no bursting whoop-de-doo moment or tear-jerking movement, Jesus has reminded me of His hope. I was faced with the reality that Jesus' promises are not grounded in the strength of my emotive will. Today, Jesus has filled my empty heart with true joy despite my circumstances. And though I've heard the Easter story over and over again many times, today Jesus gave me a fresh glimpse of the fullness of his conquer over the grave. Alleluia, alleluia!
With Barb MacQuarrie's, "Once you have a seat at our table, there'll always be a seat for you," comment, it looks like Nathan and I have a new Easter celebration tradition to partake in that I will certainly look forward to each year.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Heart of Hospitality.
I was in the middle of writing a different blog post for a few days now, but I came back to NYC and have been doing work in the room I share with my sister. I saw the copy of Henri J. M. Nouwen's Reaching Out: The Three Movements of Spiritual Life that I lent to her and when I cracked it open I was convicted again by the heart of what it means to practice hospitality. I had to share it here with all of you, my random readers:
"When we have seen and acknowledged our own hostilities and fears without hesitation, it is more likely that we also will be able to sense from within the other pole toward which we want to lead not only ourselves but our neighbors as well.
...When we have become sensitive to the painful contours of our hostility we can start identifying the lines of its opposite toward which we are called to move: hospitality.
...Hospitality, therefore, means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines. It is not to lead our neighbor into a corner where there are no alternatives left, but to open a wide spectrum of options for choice and commitment. It is not an educated intimidation with good books, good stories and good works, but the liberation of fearful hearts so that words can find roots and bear ample fruit. It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to others to find their God and their way. The paradox of hospitality is that it wants to create emptiness, not a fearful emptiness, but a friendly emptiness where strangers can enter and discover themselves as created free; free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances; free also to leave and follow their own vocations. Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the life style of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own."
BAM. Hospitality in a nutshell. And that's only the beginning.
So take note - especially those of you who serve as members of InterVarsity's Hospitality team under Sarah Min's leadership who stalk my blog (yes, I know you read this) - hospitality is so much more than serving food, throwing dinner parties, and organizing events. It's a "fundamental attitude toward our fellow human being" (Nouwen 67).
"When we have seen and acknowledged our own hostilities and fears without hesitation, it is more likely that we also will be able to sense from within the other pole toward which we want to lead not only ourselves but our neighbors as well.
...When we have become sensitive to the painful contours of our hostility we can start identifying the lines of its opposite toward which we are called to move: hospitality.
...Hospitality, therefore, means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines. It is not to lead our neighbor into a corner where there are no alternatives left, but to open a wide spectrum of options for choice and commitment. It is not an educated intimidation with good books, good stories and good works, but the liberation of fearful hearts so that words can find roots and bear ample fruit. It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to others to find their God and their way. The paradox of hospitality is that it wants to create emptiness, not a fearful emptiness, but a friendly emptiness where strangers can enter and discover themselves as created free; free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances; free also to leave and follow their own vocations. Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the life style of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own."
BAM. Hospitality in a nutshell. And that's only the beginning.
So take note - especially those of you who serve as members of InterVarsity's Hospitality team under Sarah Min's leadership who stalk my blog (yes, I know you read this) - hospitality is so much more than serving food, throwing dinner parties, and organizing events. It's a "fundamental attitude toward our fellow human being" (Nouwen 67).
Friday, May 27, 2011
Setting down roots.
Have I mentioned how tired I am of moving?
Maybe I was super slow at packing my stuff and am now super slow at unpacking my stuff because I know everything is all temporary. A few months in the Chan household? Temporary. One more year in Binghamton? Temporary. It's all too long not to unpack at all and too short to fully settle in and call it home.
One thing's for sure: it's really making me think about what's really important to me and what isn't. It's really hard. I've learned to let go of a lot of things moving from my upstairs room to my new room downstairs, but just thinking about my tiny room in Binghamton makes me realize I'll have to toss or give away even more from my room here if I don't want to live in a cramped space full of stuff I don't use.
I wonder how people in the Bible did it. People in the Bible were always on the move. Saying that reminds me of Urbana '09 when Ruth Padilla DeBorst spoke about "The Movement of Peoples." She talked about people who are uprooted from their homes and from all that's familiar to them:
"God is not only with the foreigners, immigrants, and refugees, God's spirit is in these unlikely heroes, carrying out God's purposes through them."
"Jesus sees, Jesus loves, Jesus recruits people on the move."
"Only God's love can break us out of our selfish layers of protection so that we can become channels of God's love even in hard places."
"And the Holy Spirit still does so today because all people are full of worth. Yes, we are sent like Jesus into the world to teach, preach, heal - to aid those in need, rescue the oppressed, release the suffering. But our illusions of power and sufficient superiority often make us look condescendingly at migrants, refugees, immigrants as mere charity cases that allow us the chance to rack up brownie points on the compassion scale. No. We are called to recognize Christ in their faces, to marvel at the gifts, insights, and strengths God has granted them; to learn from their resilience and courage; to walk alongside them in mutual accountability, discipleship, and community."
I just listened to DeBorst's message again from the Urbana 09 website. It still resonates in me, probably more now than before because of how much I've grown deeper in my understanding and practice of hospitality. Over the past semester I've begun to grow this little idea of a dream to open my own hostel or inn or some place where people on the move could find rest and possibly a kind of home they hadn't experienced before. I think I'd really love that. I'd love to hear their stories and learn from people of all ages and really care for them and meet their most basic needs.
Sigh. Maybe one day. It's possible.
I just want to settle down. I ready to work at things long-term, longer than the super fast semesters and years of college life. But at the same time I don't want to get stuck or get cynical about routines in such a way that my trust in God would suffer.
I wonder how people like Abraham and Moses must've felt from traveling so much. It must have been really hard to keep moving and stay focused on following God's lead.
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Unto the breach"
Whenever the thought of going through my graduation ceremonies came to mind, I had the attitude of dragging my feet. I didn't really care about the pomp and circumstance, and I would think about how much I would rather be at Basileia as an induction into the InterVarsity staff world and witness first-hand how God would move and change my chapter.
I subconsciously tried to drag out my stay as an undergraduate that I did such a poor job of packing up my things. I packed everything really slowly and didn't really label or separate my belongings that well. My family had to make two trips out to my apartment to drop off my stuff before packing up the car with the rest of my things for the summer, and my mom packed up a drawer of mine that I hadn't touched while we went to do that. She did it without me asking her to, but I was frustrated that that was the first time I've ever needed help packing.
But instead of dragging my feet through this weekend, I instead had these
feelings of loss and gain, which I guess is expected. I've already been in the process of detaching myself mentally and emotionally, so it didn't really hit my like a ton of bricks, but it wasn't really so much of a sadness of loss of friends or experiences. It was more of a loss of the potential. Usually at the end of the
semester or the end of the year I would assess what goals I had not accomplished and knew exactly what I wanted to work on for the next time, taking into consideration the changes and factoring in the sense of expecting the unexpected as well. The loss of potential marks that there's more to factor in with expecting the unexpected. It's a little less structured and familiar. I have a small idea what I'd like life to look like, but chances are it'll be just different from what I picture. I don't feel sad or feel like I'm losing my friends - it just looks like our roles in each other's lives will look different.
With the sense of gain, I'm ready and completely excited for the adventure of life. Even though I'm hitting uncharted territory, I'm not completely wandering. God has blessed me completely throughout these past four years and has led me to the next steps in my life. I look forward to taking on new roles and exploring what God has in store for me.
Graduation has definitely brought me to a huge sense of gratitude. So big in fact, that I wouldn't even know where to begin thanking people.
I am super grateful that Libby & my grandma came up with the rest of my family to be a part of my graduation. I haven't really appreciated my grandma that much until recently in the last few years. She understands a lot more than you think she does, and it's awesome how she's able to get around at her age. And she's just really cute. She doesn't speak much English, but when she does it's really funny and just makes you smile. Even when my mom or someone in my family translates what shes talking about, it makes you smile, too. You don't need translators or language to understand how much she cares about you and how much she wants to know more about your life.
I went up to her apartment to drop her off and she gave me a card and said, "I'm very happy. You make me very happy. You make me very, very happy." I couldn't have asked for anything more :]
I am so exhausted. I'll probably tackle my mess a little later today. I decided to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls, the one where Rory graduates from Yale. The seventh/final season of GG isn't very good at all, and I'm not a huge fan of Rory's character or Alexis Bledel's acting throughout the series (particularly this season), but it seemed appropriate since I seem to be identifying with Rory in some ways recently.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Lingering.
Senioritis has officially passed because I've been done with school since last Thursday, but I haven't really had too many other thoughts lately. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it hasn't really sunk in that I'm done with college.
I have a feeling it'll sink in more next fall, when I return and don't have any classes to attend or homework assignments to finish, or papers to write or tests to study for. For now, it kind of just feels like the end of a year and the beginning of something fresh and new.
It's interesting how my approach to making mistakes has changed over these past few years. Coming in to college I wanted to avoid mistakes as much as possible and dealt with mistakes I did make by crying or running away to deal with my shame and beating myself up for not protecting my heart better. Now, I expect to make mistakes, for things not to go my way, and find the necessity to deepen my trust in God.
Normally, I'd be scared out of my mind about graduating and "growing up." And in a way, I am a little nervous I guess. But it's exciting, too, and that's kind of what's keeping me going. I'm excited about what God is doing through me and what He will do through me.
A bunch of freshmen and I were walking up to the bonfire on Friday night, and one of the freshmen was saying how much she had learned socially, academically, and spiritually in just one year.
I smiled at the familiarity of that feeling and said, "Well, you'll learn a lot more over the next three years and then when you're a senior, all the freshmen will listen to all the things you've learned over those past fours years and call it 'wisdom'!"
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I want to lead a small group.
This is not something I just realized today. Ever since freshman year I've always had a small desire in the back of my mind to lead a small group. I'd imagine what I would do differently in the small groups I've participated in, and I'd imagine what I'd want to see happen and what God could do through my small group.
Some people have suggested to me or have wondered why I haven't led a small group during my time here at Binghamton, especially if I've had this interest in it. And I think it's simply because God was leading me in a different direction. He has taught me a lot of things I'd never imagine learning through the leadership positions I've been in, and I've learned a lot about myself and from leadership by submitting myself to someone else's leadership. I've learned a lot about small groups by learning to be a good small group member. And I've learned a lot about my own development while also learning how to develop others by putting those small group skills into action in other ways.
That's just how it went for me. It's hard to think about sometimes because I always know there's a huge need for small group leaders and whenever there's a need I want to do whatever I can to help meet it, but in our broken world with the presence of sin, there are always going to be a million needs and God does not call us to meet every single one we come across. That was hard for me to learn (and in a lot of ways I still wrestle with that). Just because you are able to do everything doesn't mean you should.
I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if God had led me to small group leading in my InterVarsity chapter. But at the same time, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made.
I am, however, interested in leading a small group after I graduate. We'll see where God leads.
Some people have suggested to me or have wondered why I haven't led a small group during my time here at Binghamton, especially if I've had this interest in it. And I think it's simply because God was leading me in a different direction. He has taught me a lot of things I'd never imagine learning through the leadership positions I've been in, and I've learned a lot about myself and from leadership by submitting myself to someone else's leadership. I've learned a lot about small groups by learning to be a good small group member. And I've learned a lot about my own development while also learning how to develop others by putting those small group skills into action in other ways.
That's just how it went for me. It's hard to think about sometimes because I always know there's a huge need for small group leaders and whenever there's a need I want to do whatever I can to help meet it, but in our broken world with the presence of sin, there are always going to be a million needs and God does not call us to meet every single one we come across. That was hard for me to learn (and in a lot of ways I still wrestle with that). Just because you are able to do everything doesn't mean you should.
I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if God had led me to small group leading in my InterVarsity chapter. But at the same time, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made.
I am, however, interested in leading a small group after I graduate. We'll see where God leads.
Monday, March 28, 2011
'Not much' became 'much more'
Right after we had our NYCUP orientation session and first dinner with the Bowery Mission family the day we arrived at the Bowery Mission, we headed down to the chapel for our first service experience.
Just five or ten minutes after the service was supposed to start, Becca calls me out of my seat, walks me and a few other NYCUP people to the back, and proceeds to tell us that we are being asked to lead the chapel service and that we were selected because we were the few she knew were comfortable singing in public.
Yeah. I wonder what my face looked like at that moment.
My initial response was the mode I'd typically respond in: panic. I had no previous chapel service experience to see what we were working off of, I had no idea what worship leading experience the Union College kids who were playing guitar and singing with us had, we had no music or words for everyone to use, and we didn't have a few minutes to spare to practice even just a little.
That panic lasted for about thirty seconds.
After that, it was decided that
Paul from Union was going to play guitar, Jon and Andy were on the djembe, and the Union college kids had chosen the songs already, of which we were familiar with. After those first thirty seconds I realized all I needed was my voice and my open heart ready to trust and praise God. I handed Jesus my five loaves and two fish.
And as we sang I could feel that it was there: the beauty and purity of letting God take what little you have to offer, and guide you in giving the glory back to Him. No one really sang with us. There were people who were sleeping, people who just stared, and maybe some of the other NYCUP students who were singing along with what words they could remember to the songs. But God was present.
And then finally getting to see what their chapel service looked like deepened my understanding of what I experienced from that first day. For worship a handful of staff and students from the Bowery stood at the front and with no instruments, no screen to project words, and with seamless transitions from one song to another, they offered their whole hearts in worship to God. It was musical worship that was stripped down to its purest form - a lifted voice and an honest heart. There was a sense of rawness and deeply rooted joy that I had not experienced before. There was no need to impress others with musicality, or to plan things down to perfection. Just a simplicity and a grounded faith that echoed throughout the rest of the day the the remainder of the week.
There was nothing else like it.
Just five or ten minutes after the service was supposed to start, Becca calls me out of my seat, walks me and a few other NYCUP people to the back, and proceeds to tell us that we are being asked to lead the chapel service and that we were selected because we were the few she knew were comfortable singing in public.
Yeah. I wonder what my face looked like at that moment.
My initial response was the mode I'd typically respond in: panic. I had no previous chapel service experience to see what we were working off of, I had no idea what worship leading experience the Union College kids who were playing guitar and singing with us had, we had no music or words for everyone to use, and we didn't have a few minutes to spare to practice even just a little.
That panic lasted for about thirty seconds.
After that, it was decided that
Paul from Union was going to play guitar, Jon and Andy were on the djembe, and the Union college kids had chosen the songs already, of which we were familiar with. After those first thirty seconds I realized all I needed was my voice and my open heart ready to trust and praise God. I handed Jesus my five loaves and two fish. And as we sang I could feel that it was there: the beauty and purity of letting God take what little you have to offer, and guide you in giving the glory back to Him. No one really sang with us. There were people who were sleeping, people who just stared, and maybe some of the other NYCUP students who were singing along with what words they could remember to the songs. But God was present.
And then finally getting to see what their chapel service looked like deepened my understanding of what I experienced from that first day. For worship a handful of staff and students from the Bowery stood at the front and with no instruments, no screen to project words, and with seamless transitions from one song to another, they offered their whole hearts in worship to God. It was musical worship that was stripped down to its purest form - a lifted voice and an honest heart. There was a sense of rawness and deeply rooted joy that I had not experienced before. There was no need to impress others with musicality, or to plan things down to perfection. Just a simplicity and a grounded faith that echoed throughout the rest of the day the the remainder of the week.
There was nothing else like it.
Consider the lilies
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
--Matthew 6:25-34
When I think about graduating or am tempted to worry about my future or where I'm going to be, I think about these verses and find great comfort in them. I am made in the image of God. He knows I'll need food, shelter, water, and a job when I graduate. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But we're told to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. When this is our focus, our other needs will be provided.
Interestingly, the thing I prayed and thought about most during NYCUP was my future. I think in that way I had a particularly different experience at NYCUP from most of my other brothers and sisters did. I thought I'd be praying for God's peace, grace and mercy to help me get through the hard work, or to give me strength and energy for the day, or to help me view the students and community at the Bowery the way God views them so that I may learn to love them as He loves them.
Not saying that I didn't pray for those things. But I remember only praying like a 30-second prayer for those things throughout each day, to a point where those things came naturally. It's not very difficult for me to find joy in hard work or work that I need to deny fulfilling my own wants or needs. Although I was waking up at 5:30 every morning and was running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night, I wasn't exhausted to a point where sleep was all I could think about or that I dreaded waking up in the morning, or couldn't perform the day's tasks well. And surprisingly, learning to see and love people the way God does - the thing I was worried about the most and what almost stopped me from applying to NYCUP in the first place - wasn't very difficult, either. It was my thoughts towards the future that caught me a little off-guard.
I kept praying for my eyes and heart to remain open to what God may reveal to me about my future. Throughout the week I kept asking myself things like, "Can I see myself doing this on an everyday basis?" or "What do my attitudes, heart, and actions from this week say about where God may be leading me?" or "What key personal practices, principles, and lessons do I need to take home with me so that I can continue nurturing them?" and "What and how do all of these things affect my future?"
I've been realizing about myself that in terms of future-oriented things, I like to keep my options open. To declare something set in the future makes me nervous because we don't know what the future may hold. We may think we need to go in one direction while really, something could happen in that time frame where God could totally throw us off and point us in a totally different direction. I think I've seen that over and over and over again so many times that it's hard for me to make decisions about the future when I know I don't have all the information. I think I also tend to set my heart on things (don't we all?) when a decision is made about the future, and I've seen how I either freak out or worry or get disappointed when things go wrong or not the way I had planned.
So I guess my mentality has shifted in such a way as to keep all my options open (unless there is a clear indication that one should be closed), expect the unexpected, always be flexible, and try not to set your heart on something so much to a point where you desire that single thing more than to obey God's will and follow His lead. All of which, along with the addition of my poor sense of discernment, my strengths of empathy & harmony, and my semi-low self-confidence in decision-making, make it that much harder to hear God's voice and calling on my life. Or at least, it's all enough for me to doubt.
So that's what I was praying about mostly during NYCUP. There was no clear-cut, "Here, Tammy, this is the direction I want you to go" from God, but there were a number of observations I've made that I'll hopefully share in a future post. I even began to dream a little :] Thankfully, there is still a peace that I know things will work out as I long for God's wisdom, discernment, truth, and direction in my life in the best way I can glorify Him.
I don't know. I don't know anything. People often say that "young people" think they know everything. But I really recognize that I don't. Please pray with me as I continue to seek His direction and affirmation.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
We prayed this prayer, along with the Lord's Prayer every day during NYCUP. Jon Walton reminded us that everything we do should be covered in prayer because we cannot do anything without God's power. It reminded me of Dickinson's Small Group a few weeks ago when we studied 1 Samuel 8, and in one of the verses it says, "But when they said, "Give us a king to lead us," this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the LORD." And in response to this line I wrote, "Prayer is not usually our first response to things that displease us." And on the top of my paper I wrote, "Prayer should always be our first plan of action." Praying the Lord's Prayer and the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi have been good disicplines, reminding me that everything I do should not run on my own strength or efforts but by God's power and to His own glory.
Prayer should always be our first response to everything, whether it's something that displeases us, something big, something small, something we did or something we did wrong, or anything in between.
Let's pray. Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
We prayed this prayer, along with the Lord's Prayer every day during NYCUP. Jon Walton reminded us that everything we do should be covered in prayer because we cannot do anything without God's power. It reminded me of Dickinson's Small Group a few weeks ago when we studied 1 Samuel 8, and in one of the verses it says, "But when they said, "Give us a king to lead us," this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the LORD." And in response to this line I wrote, "Prayer is not usually our first response to things that displease us." And on the top of my paper I wrote, "Prayer should always be our first plan of action." Praying the Lord's Prayer and the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi have been good disicplines, reminding me that everything I do should not run on my own strength or efforts but by God's power and to His own glory.
Prayer should always be our first response to everything, whether it's something that displeases us, something big, something small, something we did or something we did wrong, or anything in between.
Let's pray. Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'll have a "Why" sandwich, but hold the "Because."
I thought it was interesting how yesterday Ethan, someone in my small group, mentioned Gideon during our Bible study of 1 Samuel. My Bible reading for today included the calling of Gideon. And I thought it was very interesting to read:
Summarized context (Judges 6:6): And Israel was brought very low because of Midian. And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.
Judges 6:11-16
Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor." And Gideon said to him, "Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."
How often do we think like Gideon? That somehow when things go wrong it's God's character to run away or be absent when the going gets tough. My guess was that Gideon was hurting from all the suffering not only for himself but for his family and his people as well - he says, "why...us?" instead of "why...me?" They were suffering under the hand of the Midianites so much that they were crying to the Lord for help and it seemed like if we were all suffering, God couldn't be there. How often do we see others say, "How could God let these bad things happen?" And how often do we say to God, "Why me? Why is all of this happening to the world around me? Where are the all the good things You promised?" We think that the presence of evil equals the absence of God and that to us it all just isn't fair.
And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?"
Usually when someone asks "why?" you answer with "because." This is where parents usually dig themselves a hole when their kid asks "why?" to a question that the parents either don't want to answer or just don't have the answer to. They end up stumbling over their words or just give their kids the very dissatisfying, "Because I said so."
But God never says in the Bible, "Because I said so."
In fact, even seeing from God's response to Gideon, God doesn't even say, "Because." He just tells Gideon to do something about it. All in one sentence God seems to be saying, "I care about your pain and your family's pain and your people's pain just as much if not way more than you do. But guess what? I'm way ahead of you. I've already thought of a plan - and you get to be a part of it. So stop wallowing in asking the wrong questions and go do something about it."
And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house."
Gideon must have thought God was being absolutely ridiculous. I mean, come on, can you imagine? It's like Gideon was saying, "God, are you kidding me? It's impossible for me to do anything - that's why I asked you why you were putting us through all this suffering in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything about it. It's too big of a task for me to take on."
God was calling Gideon into leadership. How often do we respond to God that way when we see a great need or are asked to "step up"? We tell God all the reasons why we wouldn't be fit for the job: we're not smart enough, we're not brave like that other person, someone else is better suited for it, we're not organized or efficient enough, and the list could go on and on.
We let our weaknesses become our fears. We don't know how it'll all turn out and we're afraid of failing, of disappointing others, of not doing a good enough job. We equate leadership with strength, intelligence and power, and that's everything we don't have or don't have enough of to take on the big task of leading.
But look at God's response:
And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."
We freak out, get anxious and angry, and more often than not complain/whine about God not being around when we're experiencing or witnessing others experience suffering. But really, God cares more about us and others than we do. He wants us and tells us we can do something about it and promises that He'll be with us every step of the way.
Summarized context (Judges 6:6): And Israel was brought very low because of Midian. And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.
Judges 6:11-16
Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor." And Gideon said to him, "Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."
How often do we think like Gideon? That somehow when things go wrong it's God's character to run away or be absent when the going gets tough. My guess was that Gideon was hurting from all the suffering not only for himself but for his family and his people as well - he says, "why...us?" instead of "why...me?" They were suffering under the hand of the Midianites so much that they were crying to the Lord for help and it seemed like if we were all suffering, God couldn't be there. How often do we see others say, "How could God let these bad things happen?" And how often do we say to God, "Why me? Why is all of this happening to the world around me? Where are the all the good things You promised?" We think that the presence of evil equals the absence of God and that to us it all just isn't fair.
And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?"
Usually when someone asks "why?" you answer with "because." This is where parents usually dig themselves a hole when their kid asks "why?" to a question that the parents either don't want to answer or just don't have the answer to. They end up stumbling over their words or just give their kids the very dissatisfying, "Because I said so."
But God never says in the Bible, "Because I said so."
In fact, even seeing from God's response to Gideon, God doesn't even say, "Because." He just tells Gideon to do something about it. All in one sentence God seems to be saying, "I care about your pain and your family's pain and your people's pain just as much if not way more than you do. But guess what? I'm way ahead of you. I've already thought of a plan - and you get to be a part of it. So stop wallowing in asking the wrong questions and go do something about it."
And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house."
Gideon must have thought God was being absolutely ridiculous. I mean, come on, can you imagine? It's like Gideon was saying, "God, are you kidding me? It's impossible for me to do anything - that's why I asked you why you were putting us through all this suffering in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything about it. It's too big of a task for me to take on."
God was calling Gideon into leadership. How often do we respond to God that way when we see a great need or are asked to "step up"? We tell God all the reasons why we wouldn't be fit for the job: we're not smart enough, we're not brave like that other person, someone else is better suited for it, we're not organized or efficient enough, and the list could go on and on.
We let our weaknesses become our fears. We don't know how it'll all turn out and we're afraid of failing, of disappointing others, of not doing a good enough job. We equate leadership with strength, intelligence and power, and that's everything we don't have or don't have enough of to take on the big task of leading.
But look at God's response:
And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."
We freak out, get anxious and angry, and more often than not complain/whine about God not being around when we're experiencing or witnessing others experience suffering. But really, God cares more about us and others than we do. He wants us and tells us we can do something about it and promises that He'll be with us every step of the way.
Monday, February 14, 2011
We have gone astray and desperately want to be found.
My heart has been heavy these past few weeks with this burden for my fellowship. My heart breaks when people share with me their frustrations, their brokenness, and their desperation. My heart breaks when I see people making similar mistakes to the ones I've made in the past. My heart breaks for my roommate and my floormates because I want them to know and experience the hope and joy I have in God. My heart breaks because I care so much about so many people and don't really know how to handle it all. I am brought to my knees to pray again and again.
Fasting with my dad and my sister on Friday for my family was also a fasting for my fellowship to me, and it only punctuated my desire for God to move and deepened my longing for my blood family and my spiritual family to be rejuvenated. There was no particular revelation or enlightenment or clear direction or next steps for me.
At the same time, though my heart breaks there isn't a sense of hopelessness.
Whenever I pray for the fellowship recently I am drawn to pray simple prayers of confession and intercession, but I also walk away reminded of God's character: if my heart breaks out of complete love for my brothers and sisters, how much more does God love them? If I desperately desire deliverance, how much more does God desire it? And because of His omnipotence and omniscience, how much more power does He have to do something about it than me?
Where there is brokenness, there is a hunger and yearning to seek His face, and I am confident in hope and rest in the sweet taste of joy because I know His character has not changed - He keeps His promises and will do anything to bring that one lost sheep back to the other 99.
And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."
As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there. They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."
Now I was cupbearer to the king.
-Nehemiah 1:3-11
Fasting with my dad and my sister on Friday for my family was also a fasting for my fellowship to me, and it only punctuated my desire for God to move and deepened my longing for my blood family and my spiritual family to be rejuvenated. There was no particular revelation or enlightenment or clear direction or next steps for me.
At the same time, though my heart breaks there isn't a sense of hopelessness.
Whenever I pray for the fellowship recently I am drawn to pray simple prayers of confession and intercession, but I also walk away reminded of God's character: if my heart breaks out of complete love for my brothers and sisters, how much more does God love them? If I desperately desire deliverance, how much more does God desire it? And because of His omnipotence and omniscience, how much more power does He have to do something about it than me?
Where there is brokenness, there is a hunger and yearning to seek His face, and I am confident in hope and rest in the sweet taste of joy because I know His character has not changed - He keeps His promises and will do anything to bring that one lost sheep back to the other 99.
And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."
As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there. They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."
Now I was cupbearer to the king.
-Nehemiah 1:3-11
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Commence IV Staff Application Process
So I open the document, thinking, Okay, this shouldn't be too bad. It should be long, but with some good pacing and time to think, it should be just fine.
I skipped over to the question that asked me about my hobbies, and then decided to go through the application and answer the "easier" questions and come back to the ones that would require a bit more thought.
I'm so intimidated right now.
The questions get harder and longer and require more thought and substantial examples/evidence as you go further through the application. Yikes.
It's going to be a challenge trying not to overthink things.
I may have more questions for Carrie than I thought I would.
Also, my respect for people who went through this process to become an InterVarsity staff worker just increased tremendously - and I had a great amount of respect for them already.
I skipped over to the question that asked me about my hobbies, and then decided to go through the application and answer the "easier" questions and come back to the ones that would require a bit more thought.
I'm so intimidated right now.
The questions get harder and longer and require more thought and substantial examples/evidence as you go further through the application. Yikes.
It's going to be a challenge trying not to overthink things.
I may have more questions for Carrie than I thought I would.
Also, my respect for people who went through this process to become an InterVarsity staff worker just increased tremendously - and I had a great amount of respect for them already.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Prayer is exciting!
My attitude towards approaching prayer used to be very poor. I used to think it was boring, tiresome, and annoying because I wouldn't be able to focus very l
ong. So while I was growing up it wasn't the most exciting thing to look forward to. Even when I got older and I understood it to be more and more important, I'd dread the build up to the prayer meeting until I actually got down and prayed - then I'd wonder why I was dreading it in the first place.
But like seeds that soak in water and sunlight, God has slowing been growing in me this deeper dependence on Him through prayer. He's been working that soil! I don't always look to God in prayer right away all the time, but it's a plant in progress.
Praying creatively, praying big, and praying boldly just make praying so much more exciting and fun. Praying by myself is refreshing, revitalizing, and humbling. And praying with others allows me to experience community, learn from others, and challenge and encourage each other in bowing down before our God.
Here's a video from Urbana 2009 that I pinpoint as a way that God has moved and changed my prayer life forever. It's definitely worth watching more than once.
Pray Big and Pray Bold: Sunder Krishnan from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.
I'm excited to be in the Prayer Track for Expedition - I want to learn more!
ong. So while I was growing up it wasn't the most exciting thing to look forward to. Even when I got older and I understood it to be more and more important, I'd dread the build up to the prayer meeting until I actually got down and prayed - then I'd wonder why I was dreading it in the first place.But like seeds that soak in water and sunlight, God has slowing been growing in me this deeper dependence on Him through prayer. He's been working that soil! I don't always look to God in prayer right away all the time, but it's a plant in progress.
Praying creatively, praying big, and praying boldly just make praying so much more exciting and fun. Praying by myself is refreshing, revitalizing, and humbling. And praying with others allows me to experience community, learn from others, and challenge and encourage each other in bowing down before our God.
Here's a video from Urbana 2009 that I pinpoint as a way that God has moved and changed my prayer life forever. It's definitely worth watching more than once.
Pray Big and Pray Bold: Sunder Krishnan from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.
I'm excited to be in the Prayer Track for Expedition - I want to learn more!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Excerpts from my Retreat of Silence at Basileia, Sophomore Year.
God, the sovereign,
ALL KNOWING,
ALL SEEING,
ALL POWERFUL,
loving, gentle, merciful
FATHER of the heaven and earth, what will You tell me and show me during this time? Open my ears and my heart, that I may seek Your voice and Your voice alone.
I feel closest to God when I'm alone. You, God, are with me wherever I go. I forget You most when I'm with others. There is none like You. You never stop tenderly and relentlessly pursuing me.
Gracious Father, You have revealed Yourself to me in so many ways this past year.
Fall Semester '08: You've showed me the kind of impact our ordinary decisions (such as housing) can make. You began to really uproot and detangle how I relate to others in relation to You and how You love the people in my life, whether they're people I've been surrounded by my whole life, people I've just met, people I have an affinity towards, or people I have a hard time being around. One important thing I've been learning is that I cannot force others to change, but I can change my own attitude. God, only You have the power to mold people's hearts, to chip away what needs to be thrown out, and to smooth down the rough edges. I can only be the tool/instrument. And I have been learning about what kind of tool I am and what my purpose, function, and name is in Your bigger picture.
Spring '09: You've been continuing that by testing me and disciplining me in Your gifts, gifts of responsibility that You have entrusted so faithfully to me. And though I feel like I've failed You and have done a poor job and all I've been doing is complaining and whining about the gifts You've blessed me with, I know You still love me despite my weaknesses and flaws.
God, I know You chose me to be the administrator on this year's E-board. I didn't know that this was where You were leading me, but I followed and stepped out of the boat and onto the crashing waves, just like Peter did. And I stumbled out of a fear and looking and focusing on the water rather than You, just like Peter did. But God, you caught him. You saved him again because you loved him, just like You love me. And just like Moses, I often struggle with an identity crisis when it comes to my identity as Your adopted child in the family and body of Christ, as well as my place in the world You so love.
ALL KNOWING,
ALL SEEING,
ALL POWERFUL,
loving, gentle, merciful
FATHER of the heaven and earth, what will You tell me and show me during this time? Open my ears and my heart, that I may seek Your voice and Your voice alone.
I feel closest to God when I'm alone. You, God, are with me wherever I go. I forget You most when I'm with others. There is none like You. You never stop tenderly and relentlessly pursuing me.
Gracious Father, You have revealed Yourself to me in so many ways this past year.
Fall Semester '08: You've showed me the kind of impact our ordinary decisions (such as housing) can make. You began to really uproot and detangle how I relate to others in relation to You and how You love the people in my life, whether they're people I've been surrounded by my whole life, people I've just met, people I have an affinity towards, or people I have a hard time being around. One important thing I've been learning is that I cannot force others to change, but I can change my own attitude. God, only You have the power to mold people's hearts, to chip away what needs to be thrown out, and to smooth down the rough edges. I can only be the tool/instrument. And I have been learning about what kind of tool I am and what my purpose, function, and name is in Your bigger picture.
Spring '09: You've been continuing that by testing me and disciplining me in Your gifts, gifts of responsibility that You have entrusted so faithfully to me. And though I feel like I've failed You and have done a poor job and all I've been doing is complaining and whining about the gifts You've blessed me with, I know You still love me despite my weaknesses and flaws.
God, I know You chose me to be the administrator on this year's E-board. I didn't know that this was where You were leading me, but I followed and stepped out of the boat and onto the crashing waves, just like Peter did. And I stumbled out of a fear and looking and focusing on the water rather than You, just like Peter did. But God, you caught him. You saved him again because you loved him, just like You love me. And just like Moses, I often struggle with an identity crisis when it comes to my identity as Your adopted child in the family and body of Christ, as well as my place in the world You so love.
God, this summer, as I spend time "alone" with You, may my heart be open to the things you have been doing and will do to prepare me for next fall. Lead my heart and lead me, so that I may lead Your people. You know the fears I have of being the administrator, of being the praise leader, of coordinating the HTCHs, of my relationships close to me, of my relationships with those I barely know. You know my unknown fears and my known fears. I pray that through these fears and this desert this summer, You would continue to equip me and guide as You shape me to be more like You. It won't be easy. But I am perfect in Your eyes. I am valued and worthy to be called Your own. You are with me always and I desire for You to make my heart, my mind, and my life to look more like You everyday.
Please don't let these words just be words on this paper. Let them sink deep with my very soul so that Your truth would set me free from the sin that once held it captive.
Amen.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Press Secretary of InterVarsity.
I was talking to someone last week about the craziness from the beginning of the semester, and they said, "Well, at least you have this week off. That'll be a nice break, right?"
I laughed. I said, "Yeah, it'll be a nice break. I'll actually get some time to sit down and actually get some work done."
And depending on your definition of work, it varies. But it's true, I did get some tedious & frustrating work done - I re-designed the entire BingIV blog, entered hundreds of emails into the Bing Listserv, searched through those hundreds of emails numerous times to correct the misspelled ones, and learned how to use MailChimp to ease my use of emailing only to find out that my free limit was 500 contacts and I had 506 and was expecting more throughout the semester.
Yup, I major in InterVarsity. But I do it because I know it's important and that makes it more fun for me to do, knowing I can contribute in a way that no one else does. I like to think of myself as the Press Secretary of InterVarsity.
Which makes me think of CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary in The West Wing. I identify with her - and I think even though she looks so cool and collected, she probably sometimes feels lonely, burdened with issues and roles that she both loves and worries about.
I've been listening to some of the songs I've written over the past four years. Most people feel weird participating in their own work in any kind of way - eating their own food, tasting their own baked goods, watching their own movies, reading their own writing, listening to their own music, etc. Strangely enough, I don't (at least, in private...in public I do) because a) I listen to my own recordings to hear things I could improve and b) they mean a lot to me.
And listening to them...I don't know. It makes me think about why I wrote them (if I remember) and how they strangely still apply to me even if I wrote them years ago.
I don't know how I feel about that.
Well, I also had this strange urge to listen to Mandy Moore's "It's Gotta Be Love" from the A Walk to Remember soundtrack, so maybe I'm just in a weird funk and need to pray and wait it out.
I laughed. I said, "Yeah, it'll be a nice break. I'll actually get some time to sit down and actually get some work done."
And depending on your definition of work, it varies. But it's true, I did get some tedious & frustrating work done - I re-designed the entire BingIV blog, entered hundreds of emails into the Bing Listserv, searched through those hundreds of emails numerous times to correct the misspelled ones, and learned how to use MailChimp to ease my use of emailing only to find out that my free limit was 500 contacts and I had 506 and was expecting more throughout the semester.
Yup, I major in InterVarsity. But I do it because I know it's important and that makes it more fun for me to do, knowing I can contribute in a way that no one else does. I like to think of myself as the Press Secretary of InterVarsity.
Which makes me think of CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary in The West Wing. I identify with her - and I think even though she looks so cool and collected, she probably sometimes feels lonely, burdened with issues and roles that she both loves and worries about.
I've been listening to some of the songs I've written over the past four years. Most people feel weird participating in their own work in any kind of way - eating their own food, tasting their own baked goods, watching their own movies, reading their own writing, listening to their own music, etc. Strangely enough, I don't (at least, in private...in public I do) because a) I listen to my own recordings to hear things I could improve and b) they mean a lot to me.
And listening to them...I don't know. It makes me think about why I wrote them (if I remember) and how they strangely still apply to me even if I wrote them years ago.
I don't know how I feel about that.
Well, I also had this strange urge to listen to Mandy Moore's "It's Gotta Be Love" from the A Walk to Remember soundtrack, so maybe I'm just in a weird funk and need to pray and wait it out.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
overdue
wow. i haven't posted in an extremely sadly long time. a whole month! i guess it's mostly because life has been quite busy and so many things have been happening that posting it on a public weblog just hasn't been one of my priorities. sorry guys. i do want to post more, though, and it looks like i'll have plenty of time to do that this summer.
man, i don't know where to start! there's so many things to talk about.
well, i guess i can first sum up my spring semester.
i'd say it was a good semester generally. academically, i know i could've done so much better. i didn't really work as hard as i did during the fall semester, and my grades weren't that much lower, but i really didn't put my 100% in, and i feel really guilty for that. i'm going to try to do better next semester and bring my GPA up! hopefully i'll have less reading. spring semester's reading load was really intense. i couldn't keep up!
character-wise, i didn't really think i changed much, until i was talking with sam chang and boaz about it during my last few days @ bing. they said i changed a LOT. and then they started pointing out ways i did: i was more talkative, more outgoing, i went up to choconut to hang out more, etc. etc. and it's true i guess. but i think it was kind of natural since it usually takes me a while to get used to new environments and new people. it actually took me a lot less time to open up more. in high school, it took me the first three years :P josh and gary also said i seemed more flexible, a more go-with-the-flow attitude and less up-tight. i guess that's good. this "go-with-the-flow" attitude also caused me to lose more sleep. remember how during fall semester i went to bed no later than 1am and usually went to sleep @ 11 or 12? well, spring semester i think i went to bed no EARLIER than 1am :[
spiritually, i'm not sure what was going on, but i think basileia really shook things up for me and brought my world back down to reality.
i guess now's a good time to talk about basileia:
so pre-basileia i was kind of mellow-excited for it because i didn't know what to expect. at the same time i was a little worried because everyone had pumped it up so much and i didn't want to expect so much and then be disappointed. but i was excited. and then it came. and it started off not so well. we made the bus leave a half-an-hour late because of stupid traffic. ugh. i felt really bad, even i know i know, it wasn't necessarily that big of a deal. STILL. it didn't make me feel good at all. and i was coughing left and right, interrupting my sentences and definitely making everyone around me feel uncomfortable. and then it was rainy and the beginning of my track wasn't very fruitful. i was having a hard time falling asleep every night because of my cough. i was aware that my attitude wasn't good at all. so i made an extra effort to keep and open mind and an open heart. and alas, i'm glad i did! my track starting making so much more sense on the third day, i was riveted by all of greg jao's messages, i wasn't as tired as i thought i'd be, and i was really enjoying the bonding time i had with our binghamton chapter. the track i was in was really opening my eyes to a bigger picture. it was getting me really excited to go back to school and start fresh in making new friends outside of IV and sharing God's love and His word through our friendship. i was concerned that the summer would cause me to lose my fervor and enthusiasm, but God helped me see that the summer was just another huge opportunity to encounter God and share His word. i haven't really gotten a job, and i have friends i really need to meet with and spend time with.
i also know God's been asking me to reach into my own church youth group and see where they are and try to spend more time with them as well, helping them grow in their faith as they walk with God.
so, i may not be doing much this summer in regards to vacations or jobs, and i may not be going anywhere outside this state or country for missions trip, but there is a mission field right in my neighborhood and the harvest is plentiful.
there is plenty to do. hopefully i'll keep you guys updated often throughout this summer.
man, i don't know where to start! there's so many things to talk about.
well, i guess i can first sum up my spring semester.
i'd say it was a good semester generally. academically, i know i could've done so much better. i didn't really work as hard as i did during the fall semester, and my grades weren't that much lower, but i really didn't put my 100% in, and i feel really guilty for that. i'm going to try to do better next semester and bring my GPA up! hopefully i'll have less reading. spring semester's reading load was really intense. i couldn't keep up!
character-wise, i didn't really think i changed much, until i was talking with sam chang and boaz about it during my last few days @ bing. they said i changed a LOT. and then they started pointing out ways i did: i was more talkative, more outgoing, i went up to choconut to hang out more, etc. etc. and it's true i guess. but i think it was kind of natural since it usually takes me a while to get used to new environments and new people. it actually took me a lot less time to open up more. in high school, it took me the first three years :P josh and gary also said i seemed more flexible, a more go-with-the-flow attitude and less up-tight. i guess that's good. this "go-with-the-flow" attitude also caused me to lose more sleep. remember how during fall semester i went to bed no later than 1am and usually went to sleep @ 11 or 12? well, spring semester i think i went to bed no EARLIER than 1am :[
spiritually, i'm not sure what was going on, but i think basileia really shook things up for me and brought my world back down to reality.
i guess now's a good time to talk about basileia:
so pre-basileia i was kind of mellow-excited for it because i didn't know what to expect. at the same time i was a little worried because everyone had pumped it up so much and i didn't want to expect so much and then be disappointed. but i was excited. and then it came. and it started off not so well. we made the bus leave a half-an-hour late because of stupid traffic. ugh. i felt really bad, even i know i know, it wasn't necessarily that big of a deal. STILL. it didn't make me feel good at all. and i was coughing left and right, interrupting my sentences and definitely making everyone around me feel uncomfortable. and then it was rainy and the beginning of my track wasn't very fruitful. i was having a hard time falling asleep every night because of my cough. i was aware that my attitude wasn't good at all. so i made an extra effort to keep and open mind and an open heart. and alas, i'm glad i did! my track starting making so much more sense on the third day, i was riveted by all of greg jao's messages, i wasn't as tired as i thought i'd be, and i was really enjoying the bonding time i had with our binghamton chapter. the track i was in was really opening my eyes to a bigger picture. it was getting me really excited to go back to school and start fresh in making new friends outside of IV and sharing God's love and His word through our friendship. i was concerned that the summer would cause me to lose my fervor and enthusiasm, but God helped me see that the summer was just another huge opportunity to encounter God and share His word. i haven't really gotten a job, and i have friends i really need to meet with and spend time with.
i also know God's been asking me to reach into my own church youth group and see where they are and try to spend more time with them as well, helping them grow in their faith as they walk with God.
so, i may not be doing much this summer in regards to vacations or jobs, and i may not be going anywhere outside this state or country for missions trip, but there is a mission field right in my neighborhood and the harvest is plentiful.
there is plenty to do. hopefully i'll keep you guys updated often throughout this summer.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
ramblings about nothings
okay i should be working on my essays and stuff again as usual, but i just have to get this out.
i hate disappointing people.
i hate saying no.
but i also hate quitting.
i hate being tired.
i hate feeling helpless.
i hate that i sometimes do too much
but at the same time don't do enough.
i absolutely hate feeling so selfish,
but i can't help it.
i think sometimes i feel this way because of my past.
when i look at my past, i see many healed wounds.
but they're just always there to remind me of the hurt.
and sometimes when i'm reminded of that hurt,
it makes me feel that way all over again.
as if stuff that happens today is bringing the same feelings i've felt in the past,
and it makes me feel like i didn't learn my lesson the first time.
i also hate failing.
and these feelings that return make me feel like i've failed...and you know what? i have.
and that's okay.
because it reminds me that i'm not perfect.
and people think that i am, or that i try to be.
you know, i always forget i'm a pastor's daughter because i really don't feel like one. but then other people remind me that i am. and usually one would think, oh yeah, that's great. but sometimes, it hurts.
today i was reminded i was a pastor's daughter.
and that because i am a pastor's daughter, i am somehow "off limits" because i'm too special to deal with.
my first reaction? ouch. ouch all the way.
you might say, "hey, somebody thinks you're really special! that's a compliment!"
but to me it says, "hey, i'm gonna take myself out of the picture because you're not worth fighting for."
yeah, i'd say i'm special. too special is more like it. and too different. and not because i'm a pastor's daughter.
i just don't think like other people. my logic is different from everyone else's logic.
people say i'm smart, but really, i'm not.
tuttle keeps teasing me about making dean's list last semester. i used to be proud of it, but then when i thought about it i realized that it really means nothing at all to me. to me, it's not true. i shouldn't be on the dean's list. it's a joke. it doesn't matter. in fact, i wish i wasn't on dean's list. maybe it'll finally prove to people that i'm really not as smart as people think, just like in the eighth grade when i didn't make it into any specialized high schools or junior/senior year when i got 1140 out of 1600 on my SATs. i'm not smart. i'm not trying to be self-deprecating and i'm not saying i'm dumb. i'm just saying i'm average. i'm not that much smarter than the average person.
that's why i keep asking questions. that's why i don't know what the difference between a pharisee and a rabbi is. that's why i don't know why tomatoes are good for you, or can't seem to remember what HIV or AIDS is. that's why i don't know what the world population is or what i learned in statistics last year even though i got a 98 average in that class. it's because i'm not as smart as people think. and i don't mind asking questions, even if they feel like there should be an easy answer. that's how i'm gonna learn.
yesterday we had beautiful weather. absolutely perfect. it was another reminder that i was absolutely not perfect. yesterday i also played softball with IV people out in the field. it was another reminder that i am not perfect. i cannot throw a ball to save my life. i didn't even want to attempt to swing because it just wasn't worth it. i cannot play sports to save my life. but that's okay. it's all okay.
it's part of who i am.
and you know what else? this whole Asian-American thing is confusing sometimes. it's a topic that has come up often in my life recently. i don't know much about Chinese people, and i certainly don't know much about American culture. and i don't fit the typical Chinese-American mold either, so i get really confused. i still can't remember the difference between lo mein, mei fun, and chow mein, and i still can't recognize any U2 song nor what the difference between rap, hip-hop, alternative, and rock music is. usually if someone asks me what ethnicity i am, i'd answer: American. but now i don't even know anymore. i'm not Chinese, i'm not American. i'm...chinalienothingmerican. i'm made up. just like my name: tamaria. i'm special. too special. too different. too weird. hard to pronounce correctly the first time. gosh, how do i even have friends? it doesn't make any sense. who would want to be friends with a weirdo like me?
well, despite all of this, i still know that God loves me just as i am and is standing in the gap with me. i am definitely not alone. i have awesome brothers and sisters who care about me :]
i am loved.
i still love InterVarsity, despite all the issues that arise.
i love college, it's molding me tremendously.
i love my bed. and my pillow. oh man, it's so comfortable.
i love and appreciate my current roommate and my future roommate more than they know.
and above all else, i love that God loves me, even when i don't love myself.
here, fellow readers, is a song i wrote a while ago that i would like to share with all of you:
tears of pain
tears of joy
if i saw you could i tell the difference?
people ask me
if you're alright
if you'd let me in
would you here me say
look at yourself
count all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
but don't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed you
i am paralyzed
i feel powerless
who could i lean on
when my pillars are gone?
those i trusted
aren't here anymore
it's only me and God
i don't need anyone else
looking at myself
counting all the wounds
that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
i won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed me
looking at ourselves
counting all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed us
now, back to writing my essay. my goal is to finish this essay by tonight even though it's due friday.
i hate disappointing people.
i hate saying no.
but i also hate quitting.
i hate being tired.
i hate feeling helpless.
i hate that i sometimes do too much
but at the same time don't do enough.
i absolutely hate feeling so selfish,
but i can't help it.
i think sometimes i feel this way because of my past.
when i look at my past, i see many healed wounds.
but they're just always there to remind me of the hurt.
and sometimes when i'm reminded of that hurt,
it makes me feel that way all over again.
as if stuff that happens today is bringing the same feelings i've felt in the past,
and it makes me feel like i didn't learn my lesson the first time.
i also hate failing.
and these feelings that return make me feel like i've failed...and you know what? i have.
and that's okay.
because it reminds me that i'm not perfect.
and people think that i am, or that i try to be.
you know, i always forget i'm a pastor's daughter because i really don't feel like one. but then other people remind me that i am. and usually one would think, oh yeah, that's great. but sometimes, it hurts.
today i was reminded i was a pastor's daughter.
and that because i am a pastor's daughter, i am somehow "off limits" because i'm too special to deal with.
my first reaction? ouch. ouch all the way.
you might say, "hey, somebody thinks you're really special! that's a compliment!"
but to me it says, "hey, i'm gonna take myself out of the picture because you're not worth fighting for."
yeah, i'd say i'm special. too special is more like it. and too different. and not because i'm a pastor's daughter.
i just don't think like other people. my logic is different from everyone else's logic.
people say i'm smart, but really, i'm not.
tuttle keeps teasing me about making dean's list last semester. i used to be proud of it, but then when i thought about it i realized that it really means nothing at all to me. to me, it's not true. i shouldn't be on the dean's list. it's a joke. it doesn't matter. in fact, i wish i wasn't on dean's list. maybe it'll finally prove to people that i'm really not as smart as people think, just like in the eighth grade when i didn't make it into any specialized high schools or junior/senior year when i got 1140 out of 1600 on my SATs. i'm not smart. i'm not trying to be self-deprecating and i'm not saying i'm dumb. i'm just saying i'm average. i'm not that much smarter than the average person.
that's why i keep asking questions. that's why i don't know what the difference between a pharisee and a rabbi is. that's why i don't know why tomatoes are good for you, or can't seem to remember what HIV or AIDS is. that's why i don't know what the world population is or what i learned in statistics last year even though i got a 98 average in that class. it's because i'm not as smart as people think. and i don't mind asking questions, even if they feel like there should be an easy answer. that's how i'm gonna learn.
yesterday we had beautiful weather. absolutely perfect. it was another reminder that i was absolutely not perfect. yesterday i also played softball with IV people out in the field. it was another reminder that i am not perfect. i cannot throw a ball to save my life. i didn't even want to attempt to swing because it just wasn't worth it. i cannot play sports to save my life. but that's okay. it's all okay.
it's part of who i am.
and you know what else? this whole Asian-American thing is confusing sometimes. it's a topic that has come up often in my life recently. i don't know much about Chinese people, and i certainly don't know much about American culture. and i don't fit the typical Chinese-American mold either, so i get really confused. i still can't remember the difference between lo mein, mei fun, and chow mein, and i still can't recognize any U2 song nor what the difference between rap, hip-hop, alternative, and rock music is. usually if someone asks me what ethnicity i am, i'd answer: American. but now i don't even know anymore. i'm not Chinese, i'm not American. i'm...chinalienothingmerican. i'm made up. just like my name: tamaria. i'm special. too special. too different. too weird. hard to pronounce correctly the first time. gosh, how do i even have friends? it doesn't make any sense. who would want to be friends with a weirdo like me?
well, despite all of this, i still know that God loves me just as i am and is standing in the gap with me. i am definitely not alone. i have awesome brothers and sisters who care about me :]
i am loved.
i still love InterVarsity, despite all the issues that arise.
i love college, it's molding me tremendously.
i love my bed. and my pillow. oh man, it's so comfortable.
i love and appreciate my current roommate and my future roommate more than they know.
and above all else, i love that God loves me, even when i don't love myself.
here, fellow readers, is a song i wrote a while ago that i would like to share with all of you:
tears of pain
tears of joy
if i saw you could i tell the difference?
people ask me
if you're alright
if you'd let me in
would you here me say
look at yourself
count all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
but don't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed you
i am paralyzed
i feel powerless
who could i lean on
when my pillars are gone?
those i trusted
aren't here anymore
it's only me and God
i don't need anyone else
looking at myself
counting all the wounds
that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
i won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed me
looking at ourselves
counting all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed us
now, back to writing my essay. my goal is to finish this essay by tonight even though it's due friday.
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