More than lost signals.

Someone stole our GPS from our car last week.  They also stole a few CDs and a car charger, too.  It didn't look like anyone broke into the car, so I suspect that Nathan and I somehow forgot to lock the car when we unloaded it the day before, carrying way too many conference supplies and snacks after running some errands.

There were many different frustrations to reckon with - frustration that Nathan and I (though I think it was probably really me) forgot to lock the door in the first place; frustration that I didn't want to feel dependent on the stupid GPS but was feeling the tensions of not having it because everywhere we've needed to travel to so far didn't seem to have proper signage.  Cue the extra u-turns, missed exits, and roundabout routes to destinations.  Then cue the rain, the unnecessary tears, and confused husband who doesn't know what to do with his mess of a wife.

But the stolen GPS also came in the midst of this major season of frustration in my life, which can be boiled down into two categories:  frustrations with ministry, and frustrations with myself.

I know this may sound super cheesy, but I can't help but compare how I feel about our missing GPS with how I feel about my life.  I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible daughter, a terrible staff worker, and a terrible follower of Jesus.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what God's saying, or how to lead others who don't think like me or communicate like me very well.  I don't know how to trust God but also avoid sitting around waiting for God to wave a magic wand and do something.  I know He doesn't work that way.

It's frustrating because I'm trying to make decisions about where to go or what to try instead of just standing around, but I don't have any signs telling me if I'm going the right way or need to turn around.  Everything I try seems to hit dead ends.

Today I realize I'm starting to feel a numbness creep in.  There's a temptation for me to start shutting down because I've tried caring and it's not getting me anywhere.  It only seems to deepen the sense that I'm lost.  Nothing seems to work.

But my fear of becoming depressed seems to be outweighing everything else to give me enough strength to fight the numbness for now, so I'm trying to dig into God's Word again.  I may not recognize where God's working or what God's doing in my life.  I may not understand what He's trying to tell me.  And I may be terrible at almost everything.  But I'll use what little gas I have left in the tank to try and show up. 

She clings, though she doesn't know why.

You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts.  Something's awry when an introvert spends time thinking and sorting through thought after thought after thought, only to find herself spiraling down into a pit mixed with possible lies and possible truths, only she can no longer tell which ones are which.  Not only is it draining to be around others, it's now draining to be around herself.

It's worse when she doesn't really know who can help her.  She knows there are people who love and care about her - her husband, her friends, her family, her supervisor - but they all don't seem to be very helpful or understand the whole story.

It gets even more worse when she knows that her relationship with God looks like her not wanting to call out, "Lord, save us!" to the sleeping Jesus in the lower deck of the boat during this furious storm that seems to be lasting the whole year because she's afraid she'll be reprimanded for being ye of little faith.  And it's not that she hasn't asked Him for help.  She prays the simplest, shortest, most genuine prayers.  But either it doesn't seem like enough, or she needs to wait.

So she hangs on.

You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't know exactly what she needs to fill her nearly empty bucket that has been slowly, and subtly leaking this whole time.  It's worse when she actually tries and tries and even tries new things to fill it with no avail.  The self discipline she had been working on for so long seems to wear off more and more with all the tears of frustration.

But she hasn't lost her imagination.  She still dreams of who she could be, what things she'd like to do, things she'd like to learn.  She dreams of being an unselfish wife, leading a vibrant campus ministry, living a healthier lifestyle, participating in a life-giving community, growing a deep, life-long passion for...something.

It's sad because the reality of the present begins to sink in with the deep disappointment that her imagination is beginning to look a lot like a carrot dangling in front of her face that will always be
just
out
of
reach.  

Waiting for joy to come in the morning.

I never expected my wedding to be the best day of my life or even nearly perfect.  I knew things wouldn't go the way I'd want or planned, and I knew it wasn't necessarily going to be "all downhill from here" unless I let it become so.  But I guess I would at least experience a deep sense of joy in recalling my wedding rather than a reminder of deep hurt and regret.

It really stinks that I'm still burdened by memories of my wedding - and it's sad to think that I can truthfully write that.  After praying about it so much, asking for forgiveness from others and from God and going through some significant spaces of spiritual formation, I thought I had given my regret and guilt over to the Lord for good.  I thought I had accepted the freedom Christ so graciously offers every day so that I'm not having a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts keep drifting around decisions I had made and the things I have learned since then.  I had been doing so well over the past week or two, not having any trouble falling asleep or dreaming dreams that evoke the same old unsettling feelings.  Now I wonder, though, if my travels and work have just been distractions for what I have not yet fully dealt with or if this is just a stark reminder that healing more often than not is a process that takes time.    

It is indeed a blessing, though, that I am enjoying my husband and sharing my life with him and that there are no regrets around the decision to marry him in the first place.  Hopefully, though, with the Lord's strength I will not grow suspicious or doubtful of this blessing but that it would instead be a reminder of God's abundant grace; that He wants to give good gifts to His children and is faithfully beside me in this refining journey of healing.

Sweet, sweet sabbaths.

I am so grateful to God for the gift of sabbath.  Especially in the midst of having this rain cloud hang over my head, taking sabbath is like running into a shelter for a moment of protection from the downpour.  It is by God's grace and mercy that I can rest despite the unrest I've often felt recently in my vocational world, my familial world, and my future.

It's also twice as wonderful to take sabbath with my new husband - three times as wonderful when you find a   beautiful way of taking sabbath together for two very different people.  Nathan came up with the brilliant idea of making a list of all the local coffee places and deciding to visit a different one during each sabbath.  It works really well for us.  Nathan gets to go explore a new area of town and gain a mini sense of adventure; I get the stability and consistency of visiting a coffee place (there's coffee and there's food).  Since Nathan is a high extrovert, he gets to be around the hustle and bustle of people coming in and out, having intriguing conversations or just being there; since I'm a pretty high introvert, although there are people everywhere, I thankfully don't have to talk or interact with them - I can just be in my own world of reading or writing or talking (when I feel like it) with my husband.  There's no rush to go somewhere or meet anyone, and we have the freedom to change plans on the spot.  And on top of it all, we get to learn a little bit more about our new neighborhood, enjoy some delightful treats, and spend quality time in each other's presence.  Even more so, since we tend to travel a lot, we can take our sabbath practices with us on the road...there's usually a coffee place of some kind in every town!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy taking sabbath with my husband yet?

The dangling rain cloud.

You know, for a mostly-people-pleasing-driven person like me, I think I'm doing pretty well - considering the downhill roller coaster of emotions I've been enduring this past month.  Not that it would be impossible, but I just thought I had too much optimism and hope running through my veins and built into my bones that I would never really experience being depressed.  Yes, I can feel sad and upset and frustrated, but this season has definitely been more than that, and has cut much deeper.

Now granted, I'm being really vague and probably sound pretty emo right now, and really, by God's grace it's not like there have been any sudden, life-changing circumstances.  But part of my obscurity is because  this is public cyberspace and I still never know who reads this thing.  The purpose of this blog is not to be the megaphone to vent/whine about private things of my life or avoid confrontations/conflicts with others.  It's not a place for me to justify my actions or feelings but a way to help me process some of the things in my head and from my life.

At the same time, I can't count this season of my life as insignificant.  I can't think of a period of time in my life where I've gone through weeks and weeks of dreading school/work, had very little to no desire to do anything I usually enjoy, or went day in and day out thinking there was no hope.  There have been a couple of days where I could feel my heart hardening, a few days where I didn't want to try and reconcile relationships, and many days where I found it very hard to believe I'd find anything good or beautiful within my own flawed, filthy, wretched self.

Apparently, I've made my home in Rochester because during this past month it's all I ever wanted to do; I long to be home.  Sometimes it's because I don't want to face the feeling of hopelessness I get when I try to do anything right, let alone do anything well in my life.  Sometimes it feels like the only place where I can have my privacy and be completely me without feeling like I have to explain or defend my decisions, my feelings, or who I am/whom I've become in any way.  Sometimes I realize it's like a nest I've finally built for myself in which I find a deep sense of security, comfort, and belonging.

Yes, I think I'm doing relatively well for a typical people-pleasing person like me, because even though I still care deeply about what people think of me and how they feel, I'm not pouring my energy into being disappointed with myself or changing my thoughts or behaviors for the sake of making others happy.  I'm trying to keep my spine, stand my ground, and not let others steamroll over me, while also owning up to my mistakes and accepting my broken self.  Well, it's a start at least.  It's a process, but it's a start.

Trying not to wallow in self-pity has been pretty tough lately, and life still stinks in many ways, but the slivers of hope have slowly begun to peek out again.  Despite how wretched I've felt, I've showed up, did my best to remain open and not let my depression drag me down, and hung onto the opportunities for new seeds to be planted, and joy to be sown.

The rain cloud still hangs over my head, but the Lord seems to have handed me an umbrella, and it's up to me to decide if/when I'm going to use it.

Hands full.

During the week after my honeymoon I felt useless.  Nathan and I couldn't really dig our feet into unpacking all of our things and setting up our new apartment because we had a conference to attend at the end of the week and another conference to attend the following week.  And with traveling everywhere and doing all things wedding related, I was pretty slow at getting into work mode and preparing for the new school year on a new campus.

Reflecting on that week with some co-workers during our Regional Staff Conference (the latter conference) revealed how much I was hiding behind the craziness of the wedding planning and the limbo and stress of transitions.  Doing so reinforced the idea that I was strong enough to handle being busy with lot of things on my plate.  But now that the wedding was over, all of my things were in Rochester and I was adjusting to married life just fine - there were no major conflicts to justify my worth to others or excuses to say, "Life is hard."  I realized that I felt guilty for "not doing anything" that week after the honeymoon, that it was somehow wrong to rest or slow down by choice.  I wasn't being productive.  I wasn't planning, cleaning, organizing, or crossing anything off lists of things to do.  And it felt weird.  I felt empty, like I had nothing to show the world.  I had the subconscious mentality that I needed to be doing something worthwhile to prove that I deserved to exist another day.

A few weeks ago, the church Nathan and I have been visiting for several weeks made an announcement about the need for someone to help once a month with the powerpoint on Sunday mornings during service.  It seemed really simple.  They'd even teach you how to do stuff, and it would only be once a month.

It was so tempting to throw my hand in the air and say, "Me!  Me!  Pick me!  I can do it!" or, you know, just walk up to the person in charge after service and talk to him about it.

Thankfully, in a matter of seconds, I came to my senses and realized that Nathan and I had not actually committed to this church, so it would be silly to commit to something once a month if we weren't sure we would be around next week, let alone the next month.  It also occurred to me that we had made the commitment not to serve in any church capacity for an entire year.  It was a piece of wisdom we received as newlyweds from a number of wise couples we know, to give our marriage the attention it needs particularly in our first year together - which totally makes sense.  But it still feels really weird not to volunteer for things I think are important that I'm perfectly capable of doing

Things have gotten crazy again in my life, but there's a part of me that's hungry for more, as if I'm still not doing enough.  Part of that comes from having so many desires to do things:  I want to keep up with my out-of-town friends and family, build relationships with my neighbors and serve my community, try new things to feed my desire to learn and create good stories...they're not bad things to pursue.  But I think there's a subconscious part of me that cunningly takes all those (and more) desires and says, "Well, you're only really occupied vocationally right now, and most people don't understand how much work you do on a day-to-day basis with InterVarsity, so you need to commit to this, volunteer with this, and find more ways to stay busier than ever so that when people around you can see how important you're making a difference in this world and aren't just wasting you life by doing nothing. 

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who does that.  And I'm not saying we necessarily do it on purpose, either.  I think part of it comes from growing up in a culture where the message is "more is better" - the more you're doing, the better you are because how much you do says how worthy and valuable you are.  I think another part of it comes from our need to be needed and wanted.  Volunteering and committing to work sometimes gives us a sense of purpose and security that we're doing something important.

And I think there's a healthy tidbit in there.  God designed us to build, to create, to work - and it wasn't always a dreadful thing.  But that's the kicker, right?  Since we are broken people part of broken cultures who dwell in a broken world with broken systems, we in America have twisted work into busyness and allow it to distract us from giving the proper attention, time, and parts of ourselves to the people and causes that are sometimes more important in the grander scheme of things.  It is our busyness, not our work, that has become the definition of our value and worth, justification of our existence, and excuse from facing more difficult, though meaningful, conflicts.

But if we truly believed in our hearts and our minds to the very core of our being that we are loved by God and there's nothing we can do to add to it or take that away, then what are we doing?  Why are we perpetuating an idea that steers us in the wrong direction?  I guess I'm just saying (mostly to myself) that we need to keep the proper perspective of why we do what we do and be thoughtful about the things we commit to and not feel guilty about resting.  We need to be careful about how we reinforce for ourselves and others the vicious cycle of overworking and need to encourage rest even more.  We need it not to be lazy or idle, but to take the time to reflect, gain some perspective, and remind ourselves that it's not where our identity lies when we are God's people.

Things are crazy, but no more hiding.

Moving out of Section A and into Section B.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be transfer student.  You're in a new town and a new school, but you're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue as to where things are or what the heck you should be doing, people kind of assume that you do.  You're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue, you don't have hundreds of other people around you who also don't have a clue that you can instantly bond and become friends with over the fact that you don't have a clue and can be comforted in having those new friends who are alongside of you for the journey of figuring it all out.  You're a transfer student.  You want friends.  But they don't come easy because people have already made their friends and no one's really looking for any new ones.  You're not a freshman and you're a transfer student without a clue and without any friends, so you get lost.  You get lost and yet people ask you for directions, expecting you to have the answers, but you just don't know anything.  Because you're a transfer student, you kind of get the gist of what college life is like, but because you're in a new context the college life takes a different shape that you're not quite familiar with.

I haven't been able to put my finger on how I've been feeling over this summer or just within these past few weeks.  It all feels the same but it all feels different.  I feel lonely, but not really.  I feel unsettled, but not really.  I feel sad, but I don't know what about and I don't know why.  Just a few days or maybe a week ago  I said I was happy, but knew the fair-weather feeling wouldn't be around long.  Well, the time has come.  Good ol' happiness has left the building.

It's the part of the story where the main character doesn't quite know how they got here.

Bill Hybels always describes a leader as someone who moves others from "here" (i.e. the current state) to "there" (i.e. the reality of the vision).  Here's something he brought up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit.  Let's say this diagram describes that process of going from "here" to "there":

Here -------------------------------------------------------------------There

Now, let me ask you a question:  If we were to divide this process into three sections, at which section do you think the vision is most vulnerable?

[Here -------------------][-------------------------][-----------------------There]

                 A                                      B                                         C

Would you say it's A, B, or C?

The people around me thought it was C.  My gut instinct was B, but then I was succumbed to "groupthink" and thought it was C.

The answer?  Section B.  Section B is where the vision is most vulnerable.  The reason?  Well, according to Bill Hybels, for Section A, the vision is strong.  You're pumped up, you're excited, you're on fire and ready to do anything and go anywhere right out of the gate.  The vision has successfully energized you into action.  For Section C, you're so close to the vision becoming a reality that it fires you back up.  You make the last push.  You endure through whatever's going on now because you can see the end.  You're so close, you can almost taste the victory.

For Section B, however, neither the beginning nor the end are in sight.  Bill Hybels says that Section B is where you realize you're not invincible but neither can you see the end.  The initial high spirits and excitement has died down; your weaknesses, flaws, and lack of control rise to the surface tenfold; and success is not even on your radar.  No wonder why the vision is most vulnerable there.

So I maybe my life right now feels like a transfer student who also may not be quite in the depths of Section B, but have definitively moved very far away from, "here."  I want to live a good story, but I don't know what I want.  I want to live a good story, but I also need to work with what I've been given.

I guess it means I've got to cast vision to myself again.  I've got to find ways to keep the vision alive.  And maybe that means I need to dream a little. And then maybe flesh out those dreams a little more.  Then maybe all of these piles and piles of goals and strategies and plans and action steps will make a little more sense and become a little clearer so I can chuck the ones that don't fit right now.

Transitions.

You know something's wrong when Tammy Chan doesn't post on her personal blog for 5 1/2 weeks straight.

I did start a couple of posts, but I haven't had (or made?) the time to sit down and work on them or finish them.  Hence, the unplanned hiatus.

It's the reality of transition, right?  You get swooped up into this tornado of change and never even get the chance to consider whether or not you're strapped in and ready.  And even when you think you are ready, you're not. 

That's what happened earlier this week.  It was like I knew I was throwing myself willingly into the deep end of the crashing waves with full knowledge that everything was going to be chaotic and I was going to swallow a ton of sea water.  But instead of drawing deeper in my dependence on God, I tried to protect myself from stressing out by absorbing the hits.

The sea water came back out of my system in the form of rivers of tears as I literally traveled to my recent staff conference.  I was talking with Nathan the whole bus ride from the airport to the hotel and pretty much cried the whole three hours.  We had some hard conversations that I was responding pretty poorly to because all the sea water I had been absorbing was suddenly spewing out of me without my control.

I was still on the verge of tears when we arrived at the hotel and bumped into some of our colleagues, but thankfully I had a chance to take a shower and head down to a bench outside the hotel to talk to Nicole Page.

Something I love about talking to Nicole is that I always feel like I have the freedom to cry and not have to work hard to fight them.   I also love her intuition.  People who are keenly intuitive and interpret their gut feelings correctly are so great.  Nicole is one of those people.  Talking to her made me come face-to-face with the reality that, as much as I'd like to pretend I don't, I do thrive better in stability than chaos to a certain degree; that different does not mean impossible; and that God is faithful.  She created space to help me confess the lies I let creep into my heart, and affirmed the truths I vaguely knew to be true in my head but needed to be planted firmly in my heart.    

I know it's not completely over, but the great movement of emptying myself completely to be filled again with hope and affirmation and faith was really helpful.  Praise God for the good night's sleep and the refreshing sense of being present during this week of training. 

Later on in the week Carolyn Carney asked to pray for me and the picture of the disciples in the boat with Jesus sleeping came to her mind:  they left point A but weren't quite at point B, and there was chaos and an impending sense that they weren't going to survive the trip across.  She prayed that I would have a sense of faith and peace of having the Lord who calms the storms with me on board my ship. 

Amen.

A work in progress.

Through the darkness of the night
I'm granted hope to endure the fight
Keeping my head above the surface of
The swirling lies and desperate cries
That drown the truth and smother the joy that pave the path unto the light.

Though I feel like I'm not capable
I believe that He is faithful
Despite deep oceans of my emotions
That carry fear, I know He's near
For He's my refuge and my anchor when my world remains unstable.

Bless the Lord.

Emotional workaholic.

Nathan made that term up.  That's what he called me today on the phone.  I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done.  I agreed and said that's probably what it is.  And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.

They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?

My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.

My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience:  I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.

My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.

I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly.  This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school.  This time, it's just got a different face.  Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important.  And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight.  It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.

My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.

The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks.  Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea.  It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in.  Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians.  I am no exception.

If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have.  It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time.  So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it.  I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.  

Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance."  At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic.  I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is.  When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else.  I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is:  why do we settle for less?

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5

If you have time you should check out the twenty questions you can ask yourself to see if you're just like me.

From deflated to excited.

It's days like these when I need to remind myself at the end of the day that the world does not rest on my shoulders.

I feel like I've been having a semi-deflating week, with the frustrations of knowing things could be better than they are. I know that I can be an agent of change with my own attitude, but it's hard when everyone else around you feels deflated, too. And it's not one of those, "Oh my gosh I'm going to be bitter and complain all the time and refuse to do anything because I don't feel like I can do anything" kinds of attitudes. It's more like, "I remember that God has big plans for my life and for the world. I trust Him that things will not fall apart and that His vision is worthy to lay my life down for. But what is my part? Where do I go from here to get to there and how do I invite people to come alongside of me?"

However, the key part of my deflating week is that it was only "semi-deflating."

There have been a number of times this weekend where God kind of elbowed me really hard in the stomach.

On Saturday my hospitality team and I got together for our weekly meeting, and after finishing up the last chapter of How to Inherit the Earth, I wanted us to just talk about what it would look like if InterVarsity was successful in carrying out its mission. I don't know about my team, but it got me so excited! What got me even more excited was how Sarah Min had a good idea about something she wanted to see happen at Large Group and then was like, "I'll just try at next week's Large Group." Something I've admired about her is how she loves to dream things up and just goes out and does things to accomplish them. People like me tend to easily dismiss dreams because they seem impractical or too far off to accomplish.

With my curiosity and excitement firing up, I asked Sarah after our meeting what were some of the other things she's been dreaming up for herself. My admiration for her deepened as she shared so easily some of the things she wanted to do and how she had already took some steps in the direction of accomplishing them.

Then she unexpectedly turned the question back to me: "What do you dream about doing lately, Tammy?" I thought about it for a few seconds before saying, "I honestly haven't thought about it." And it was interesting because she said, "I think you should sing somewhere."

Of course, with the mind that I have that most of the time easily dismisses dreams, I started telling her, "There's not many opportunities I find besides talent shows and open mics, and even then I usually only get to play one or two songs." And I joked around that I should hold my own little mini-concert but then dismissed that because I wouldn't like all the attention or pressure - it's something I'd want to share with others.

And that eventually led me to the idea of holding a Benefit Concert to raise money for the NYCUP Spring Break Plunge that me and 19 other people from our chapter are participating in during our March spring break. I knew there were a lot of people in our chapter who may interested in helping us out by performing.

So the idea of planning the event got me really excited as well. I think it'll be really fun and a great opportunity for people to donate.

And...I just miss singing with people and for other people. This gives me a good excuse to say, "Hey, wanna sing with me?"

So even though there are now a bajillion things on my plate (I exaggerate) this week and things just keep popping up, I will not use this space to complain or whine because it will not solve anything and will only bring down the attitude. Blame cannot be labeled on anyone for these things - they're just the way they turned out. That's why I said it's days like these that I need to remind myself that the world does not rest on my shoulders. And besides,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

You know what feels terrible?

When you feel completely drained and you haven't really done anything to justify it.

Isn't baking such a great form of therapy for me?

I went to the dentist today.

First, let's say, "Good job, Tammy, for going to the dentist for your regular cleaning at the appropriate 6-month mark." However if you know me, you know I have a hard time trying not to hate my teeth or visiting the dentist. This instance didn't really make it any easier. Also if you know me, ever since the traumatizing dentist events of the summer, I've overreacted every time I return to the dentist without walking away with a "We'll see you in another six months!"

Nothing like spending the rest of the afternoon baking away my overreactions and frustrations of not being in control of my annoying teeth.

I'm hosting a casual little tea party at my house tomorrow, so I baked some goodies to go with the tea. I love that people can benefit from my methods of dealing with stress. It's a win-win solution.

Madeleine cookies

Pumpkin bars (although, the texture is more cakey, so I don't know if I would call them bars)

Chocolate truffle cookies

It's beginning to look a lot like

...Thanksgiving.

I don't know if you remember, but in one of my posts about Thanksgiving break, I recognized suddenly that there was a lot more to unpack from my mind than I realized I needed. It kind of feels the same way now.

It's like I've been walking in slow motion through a blur of fast-paced events, and it's only now beginning to clear up and settle down...and not really at the same time. I've been looking forward to this break for a while, thinking that I was going to chill out and do whatever I wanted.

But I'm starting to get sucked into the rush of doing things again, when all I really want to do is just stay home and go at my own pace for a little bit before I start getting pulled this way and that.

Of course, I also recognize that life doesn't always work out the pace I want it to go, so I've kind of just been floating along, letting the current take me where it wants me to go. Which for me, isn't always a healthy thing.

I learned that from my summer of solitude between sophomore and junior year. I tend to be like "a jar of river water all shaken up" and what I need is to "sit still long enough that the sediment can settle and the water can become clear," as her spiritual director tells Ruth Haley Barton in her book, Invitation to Solitude and Silence.

So I'm beginning to recognize that even though I've been having a relatively easy-going semester where I've been flexible and not as panicky or stressed out as I normally am, it's still very important for me to protect my sacred space of solitude and Sabbath. And even though I've practiced how to carry that through my everyday activities and decisions, I need to create time and space each day or each week to let things settle.

I think the lack of this discipline is one of the reasons why I've had a number of emotional breakdowns this semester, despite my relatively stable and even thriving mental and physical states.

In any case, just wanted you to be prepared. My posts might get more random than they already are, and they may end up being longer than I want it to be because there's so much going on - not only in my head but in my life around me. And of course, I don't put everything on my mind on this blog, so can you imagine all the cranial activity that I'm experiencing?

Ruth Haley Barton also says, "My life as a writer and speaker revolves around being able to make sense out of things by putting them into words." What a good book. Perhaps I should read it again.

So blog away I shall, but I will first start by physically clearing a space to unpack my mind. My room has gotten a little bit messy since I got home, and I haven't had the motivation to clean it until now.

More memoir stretching.

So, I'm still working on my memoir. People keep asking me to read it, but it's not done yet. Especially after it was workshopped/critiqued by my class, I'm in the process of making a lot of changes.

One of the main things my classmates had trouble finding was the cause for the change. And, even though I've been making some breakthroughs since my emotional breakdown, what has been frustrating me is that I've been searching through this vague cloud of "I don't remembers" and "I don't knows" for finding that cause. I wanted to leave it at that, at the idea that I couldn't pinpoint any kind of reason because I just assume it was a process. But I needed some kind of scene to show that it was a process.

And I was reaching back into my old files of memories in my mind, still searching for answers to help me make sense of it all.

And I found it. It was tucked under a lot of old memories I didn't really care to remember, even though it was really important. And I know why.

It's because it's stupid. So stupid. Really, it's stupidest thing ever. No joke.

And now I have to write about it in my memoir, because it's a pivotal part of tying everything together. Now I'm not frustrated that I can't figure out what I've been missing. Now I'm frustrated that I have to write about what I found.

I know, I know, this all sounds very vague and mysterious. Maybe I'll explain one day. Or you'll just have to read my stupid memoir that's taking me forever to write.

His supremacy changes everything.

I find it so frustrating that I care more about people than I do about my schoolwork.
I care more about people than I care about money, getting a job, buying a nice house or even driving.

But at the same time, I know that it's important to be a good steward of the schoolwork God has given me. It's for His glory and a form of worship to Him. All powers, thrones, rulers, and authorities are under His supremacy - and that includes college.

I do like learning new things. But it's so much harder to love my schoolwork when I'd rather give my love, time, and resources directly to people who need it.

Books don't need love and care as much as people do.

I like working with my hands and feet, my voice and my written words to work soil, plant seeds, nuture saplings, and watch little sprouts deepen their roots to grow tall in the One who created them.

Sigh. Fine, I'll stop procrastinating now.

Story of my life.

Good morning Tammy!

I just got your message now that you are panicking. I'm sorry that I missed it. I was studying next door which eventually led me to fall asleep.

Whatever it is that you are panicking about, it will be OKAY.

If you are still panicking, I suggest taking a tiny break to first breathe and then to refresh your mind, either through singing a song or by reading the Bible.

Ask God to assist you right now cause I know for sure that He would love to and He does everything perfectly so His help is always good.

If you are still panicking, repeat steps and try again.

Sorry if I don't make much sense, my brain is fried right now.

I hope everything went alright.

Love,
Priscilla

people are particularly frustrating this week.

and you have no idea how mad i wish i could be at everyone. it's frustrating, when the people you think will listen the most will listen, but listen eventually, in their own time. but it's also amazing at how the people you doubted would listen listen full-heartedly and go beyond what you thought was possible.

sometimes caring for someone means pulling teeth from others. you would think everyone would be on the same page when it comes to a common goal.

i want to be mad at certain people, but really, i'm not.

just disappointed.
mostly at myself for having either the wrong expectations or expectations that were too high. but also because i thought some people knew me better. and i thought i knew them better.

i guess not.

well, summer's almost over. pam had a good birthday, she loves her gifts, and i have to babysit for an awesome awesome family that i'm going to miss soooo much when i go back to school.
i'm excited to see everyone back at school, but at the same time there are a lot of relationships here at home that weren't here before that i know i'm going to miss when i leave.

let's just see if i've learned my lesson and will do a better job at watering those relationships to help them grow even though i'm not here.

saving them last time was just short of calling them miracles. and that's just one time too close to call it safe.

don't ask, don't tell & dr. quinn

i don't know if the rest of my family would agree, but i personally think there is a kind of underlying "don't ask, don't tell" policy in our house.

i don't even really know how to explain it. it's like, i feel like a television typical angst teenager whose parents don't know who i am and only know the minimal things of my life. and you know what? it's not like i don't want to share with them my life, it's just that they rarely ask. and if they do, it's out of politeness or whatever. and then if i do share with them stuff, they don't remember. or they don't ask me about it later to see how it's progressing, to see how i'm doing.

i don't want to say anything because i don't want to force them to say anything, or ask. the whole point is that i wish they'd want to know more about my life.

it's getting harder and harder since i've been feeling this way since the beginning of high school. sometimes i just get snappy or have an attitude for "no reason." but really, i know why.

some days i can take it. other days, i just get really annoyed. it's frustrating.

here's a random thing. i miss the tv show, dr. quinn. i used to watch it all the time. and it's a really good show. plus, i love jane seymour in that show, and i'm a sucker for dresses (which you may or may not know), the kind that they wore way back in old times. i love love loooove this show! it went on for a good 6 seasons.

so, they used to show re-runs on the hallmark channel last year, and my dad tried taping a bunch onto dvds, but as i tried watching one today, they're all out of order. sigh.

colleen: sully, where are all my chickens?

hahaha. anyway, i miss that show.
and jane seymour is so pretty.
if i get the dvds one day, you all should watch it with me :]

the thing about humidity? it makes the air feel heavy...as well as everything else.

i can bake cookies, but i cannot bake cupcakes to save my life. that is the only thing that was made clear to me today.

as for everything else, it just became very foggy and heavy - just like today's humidity. i am just so frustrated about so many things and it's all so confusing because there's no black and white answers and i don't know what to do.

i feel like everywhere i turn, i'm failing in some sort of fashion. if i'm not failing others, then i'm failing myself. if i'm not failing myself, then i'm failing others. it's a lose-lose situation everywhere.

i can't stand this. why can't i ever find a balance? i feel like i always have to choose between worlds: bing and home, bing and home. i can't seem to hold both. i can't mesh them together. i can't.

i've neglected my friends at home. i really have. and i feel horrible for it. i want them to know how important they are to me. but they see me as being too busy and too in love with my bing life that i don't have time for them until i come home. and then they get mad when i say i don't want to come home. and i get that. i'd probably be hurt too if someone said they didn't want to come home to me either.

but it's hard coming home. it really is. but i feel like i have nothing to complain about because my parents aren't divorced, i'm not worried about food not being on the table, i don't have to worry about getting a job to pay bills, i don't have to worry about paying for college or worry about not fitting in at school. i have an extremely blessed life.

so why should i complain? why should i complain about this wonderful life that i have, with parents that trust me with my life enough not to care about my grades or my day or my problems or my interests or spiritual life but care enough to think i'm too young to go on a road trip with my friends? why should i complain about having my oldest sister, who's turning 22, still act like she's 14 and brings up the same problems every single day at dinner and brings the same arguments and burdens to my parents? why should i complain while i watch my dad work his butt off while my mom doesn't give him the support he needs?

so i'm mad at myself. for everything. i'm mad at myself for failing my friends at home. i'm mad at myself for not doing more for them, not reaching out to them more. i'd always told myself i didn't want to be that person. i was selfish for wanting to be taken care of by my friends at school. i was selfish for wanting to be fed spiritually and not having to worry about stuff at home or drama at home or my other friends' problems at home. i'm mad at myself for that. i'm mad at myself for not being able to do enough to make up for it. i'm mad at myself for being mad at myself. i'm even mad at myself for writing about this on my blog. this is stupid. i need to talk to somebody.

i feel like i'm constantly making a mess and constantly trying to clean up my mess. like i keep spilling milk, clean it up, refill my glass, just to spill it again. again and again and again and again.

you should lock me up in a cellar. no one deserves to be my friend.

sigh. i want Jesus to come back right now.

no one seems to understand me except Him. and pam.