More than lost signals.

Someone stole our GPS from our car last week.  They also stole a few CDs and a car charger, too.  It didn't look like anyone broke into the car, so I suspect that Nathan and I somehow forgot to lock the car when we unloaded it the day before, carrying way too many conference supplies and snacks after running some errands.

There were many different frustrations to reckon with - frustration that Nathan and I (though I think it was probably really me) forgot to lock the door in the first place; frustration that I didn't want to feel dependent on the stupid GPS but was feeling the tensions of not having it because everywhere we've needed to travel to so far didn't seem to have proper signage.  Cue the extra u-turns, missed exits, and roundabout routes to destinations.  Then cue the rain, the unnecessary tears, and confused husband who doesn't know what to do with his mess of a wife.

But the stolen GPS also came in the midst of this major season of frustration in my life, which can be boiled down into two categories:  frustrations with ministry, and frustrations with myself.

I know this may sound super cheesy, but I can't help but compare how I feel about our missing GPS with how I feel about my life.  I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible daughter, a terrible staff worker, and a terrible follower of Jesus.  I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what God's saying, or how to lead others who don't think like me or communicate like me very well.  I don't know how to trust God but also avoid sitting around waiting for God to wave a magic wand and do something.  I know He doesn't work that way.

It's frustrating because I'm trying to make decisions about where to go or what to try instead of just standing around, but I don't have any signs telling me if I'm going the right way or need to turn around.  Everything I try seems to hit dead ends.

Today I realize I'm starting to feel a numbness creep in.  There's a temptation for me to start shutting down because I've tried caring and it's not getting me anywhere.  It only seems to deepen the sense that I'm lost.  Nothing seems to work.

But my fear of becoming depressed seems to be outweighing everything else to give me enough strength to fight the numbness for now, so I'm trying to dig into God's Word again.  I may not recognize where God's working or what God's doing in my life.  I may not understand what He's trying to tell me.  And I may be terrible at almost everything.  But I'll use what little gas I have left in the tank to try and show up.