forget the money, babysitting these kids are priceless.

so my job this summer is babysitting these adorables for several hours for many many days. and oh man, has it been a huge blessing. the kids are samuel (4yrs) & isaiah (20mnths) tsai, who also have an older brother named joshua (7yrs), but i haven't babysat him yet because he's still been in school.

talking with auntie karen tsai, their mom, has been pretty awesome. we've been talking about a lot of different things that really made me admire their family all the more, especially how dedicated to God they are.
and their family is sooo cute! she was sharing with me how she and uncle john met, how they both love singing and how her kids love music. i thought it was cute how she said her kids love to sing but don't like singing in public. samuel (in the picture above) is kind of quirky to strangers. he's really really quiet. his mom told me how during his first time at pre-school his teacher said that he was really quiet and wouldn't say a word, only nodding yes or shaking his head no and saying nothing else to his teacher or anyone else in his class for...drum roll please...SEVEN MONTHS! unbelievable. it took him a while to warm up to them. it took me a day :]

now this one, isaiah, is such a cute one. he's a pretty good baby, too. auntie karen said that he's usually very clingy to her when around strangers, but as soon as i walked into their house, he was fine with me! i guess he and i clicked. he didn't cry or whine or anything at all when i first took him away from his mom to the park. today was my third time babysitting them and he was a bit crabby but he eventually warmed up again. and when his mom left he only cried for like, five minutes. then i carried him around for a bit and he stayed quiet in my arms. i think he likes me :]

and he speaks pretty well for an almost-two-year-old. he can definitely say 'mommy' really well, as well as 'ball' and 'please' (although it sounds more like 'bees'!), and on the first day i babysat them, samuel and i were playing this matching cards game of pictures from the Museum of Modern Art (i know, such a cultured kid :P), and isaiah was putting our cards back into the box every time we put our pairs down for go fish, when i totally thought i heard him say, "MoMa." i'm so serious. and then today, my phone rang while auntie karen was feeding isaiah his lunch (yogurt & oatmeal mixed together. [insert sarcastic "yum" here]), and auntie karen said, "oh, that's your ringtone?" and isaiah shouts, "ringtone!" and starts wiggling and bopping to my ringtone music. sooooo cute!

auntie karen was telling me in the car on the way to my house how predictable isaiah's sleep time is. once you put him on his bed, he'll have his hands all ready to pray (so cute), and then right after they pray, uncle john or auntie karen will usually try to sing to him, but he's so tired so he just rolls onto his stomach, lifts his head up, and waves goodbye. isn't that so adorable?

okay okay i've ranted enough about these awesome kids and their awesome family. here i'll tell you something about today. i babysat from 9-4 and came home and helped pam make dinner and afterwards i helped pam pack at least seven garbage bags into our car, full of STUFF from our closet. and believe me, people. this was a HUGE breakthrough. if you know my mom and if you've seen my house, you know that my mom is a huge pack-rat. and for YEARS she'll keep stuff and claim that she'll get around to cleaning it out and blah blah blah but NEVER does. so pam and i last week got fed up with our messy house and decided to do our own extreme house makeover, especially since some of the navajos will be staying with us in our house. we started with the living room, since for father's day everyone from both sides of our family were going to be there. we tossed everything into my parents' room (because we cleaned up all of our stuff...the mess was all of my mom's stuff) and she pretty much had to go through all the stuff. the living room was so different! and then today, pam took a stab at one of our closets and pulled out EVERYTHING in it and dumped our stuff into our room and mom's stuff into the living room so that the pile was so big that we could not avoid it before going to sleep. want to get a picture of how much stuff my mom keeps? pam didn't take a before picture of the closet, but here, i'll give you an idea. here's just some highlights of what we packed away into the car to give away:

• the stroller that carried all three of us chan girls when we were babies
• my graduation dress...from my kindergarten graduation
• my $5 denim hat that i asked my parents to get for me at a street fair (that actually started my love for hats)...when i was about 11 years old
• the chan girls' yellow booster seat
• my lamb chops playground figurines set
• the orange capri pants that i couldn't fit into anymore in the eighth grade

yeah. i know. just add tons of clothes and other stuff and there you have it: all the contents of one of our closets. and guess what? i thought we had given all of this stuff away like, years ago. it's pretty sad. but today, today was a happy day. my mom is making progress and not getting mad at us for doing this. that's good. she always gets a little ticked off in the beginning but then warms up to it. i take orders from pam like a dog. it's her who took charge, so she definitely deserves all the credit for this extreme makeover. i'm so proud of her and glad she got this going. i was tired of all this mess and looking at other people's houses and saying things like, "i wish my house was as clean as this."

now i can go to sleep smiling :D

:)

i've got to stop being so negative. that's so unlike me.
but just because i was negative doesn't mean i was pessimistic.

i AM a failure, but that only means i need God all the more.

i suck at running. i'm 100x worse in this heat.

i keep telling myself i'm not a failure,
that i haven't failed as a friend, a sister, a daughter,
as a human walking on this earth under God's purposes.

but i am.

i ran today, and couldn't keep going after a little over a mile. i had to stop.
i've never stopped before. not unfinished. i always stopped when i was supposed to, never less.
but i did, and it just reminded me of all things i've failed to do this past year, the things i've been failing at this summer, things that i've been aware of but haven't really done anything enough.

i can't breathe in this heat.

you know, people think i'm a hardworker. i'm really not. at least, not always. now pam, she's a true hardworker, all the time, in all areas of her life. me, i'm not. i was a hardworker before college. i pushed myself in EVERYTHING i did. and i got tired. i got broken. i pushed too hard.

i came into college wanting to be fed. i was hungry and thirsty, dying to be cared for and nourished and loved. and i found it.
and now, look what i've turned myself into. i've become lazy, and don't strive as hard as i used to, and now at the expense of my relationships with others. i've spoiled myself. become selfish.

what happened to my selflessness? what happened to my eager desire to fulfill others' needs, make others happy, encourage, and give give give?

God has been showing me so many signs of my neglect to do so. my idle hands and lazy spirit. He's been showing me through big things and little things. i didn't realize until now. He's showing me i need to change.

i've made myself a failure only because i haven't been trying.

don't try to tell me i'm not a failure. please don't ask me if i'm okay next time you see me. i'm fine. more like, too fine. i need to find a better balance among things.

i need to move on. i need to move forward. oh heck, i just need to MOVE.

you can't ask if i'm okay next time you see me, but you can ask me what i'm talking about.

all i ate was a slice of pizza. i wasn't hungry the rest of the day. must've been one heck of a slice.

today i stayed home. i'm glad i did. in case people didn't know, i'm mostly an introverted kind of person, and though i don't like staying home because of our family issues, i like to be by myself. i like doing my own thing sometimes. it's a little frustrating sometimes because people don't get that sometimes. like, i tell people i'm staying home and they're all like, "why don't you come hang out with us" or "why aren't you going to [fill in location here] with us?" and so on. and sometimes it's just cuz i need to recharge and i like to recharge by myself. i don't like being around so many people all the time sometimes, most of the time for the other people's sake. if i'm out and about too much it drains me out and then i'll stick things out if i have to, but if i'm tired and hot i usually get really grumpy and snappy and can be mean to people when i don't mean to be. and i don't want to do that to others.

i got frustrated again tonight, when raymond called [you guys, i'm so not good at talking on the phone just to chat]. we were talking about stuff and it got around somehow to the whole thing about people here at home getting mad at me for not keeping in touch with them and stuff and not wanting to come home and etc. and i got frustrated even though things are better and good with everyone now because i feel like i want them to know and understand why i don't like coming home and why it's hard for me to talk on the phone, especially for long periods of time.

but i feel like even if i explain, they'll never really get it. and that stinks, because i want them to understand. it's just like JROTC. no one really understands why i was in it, why it was an important part of my life, or what i actually did unless you were IN the jrotc at my school. my friends and family won't ever really understand what happens at bing, what i do at bing, or why it's so important to me unless they're actually there.

but i guess i should always try to explain anyway. i can't just assume they won't get it. and it's good to just share with them about my life there.

okay okay. so i shouldn't be frustrated. i get it. but i still can't help but be frustrated at myself for not liking to talk on the phone. and for messing up for not trying to reach out to my friends at home.

anyway, on a different note, i've been working on my novel. at long last.
and i've been reading a biography on audrey hepburn. it's an interesting read. it makes me admire her more and more.
it also makes me wish i could set up a projector in my backyard and show two or three audrey hepburn movies every night during the week of my birthday. that would be AWESOME. maybe i will do that.

btw, i'm going to finally use my gmail from now on. outlook is just getting too annoying with like a bajillion responses to emails piling up in my inbox. i don't get a chance to reply because new emails fill up my inbox so quickly. plus, i keep forgetting to change it from my hotmail account to my gmail account when i reply. so annoying. sticking to gmail.

i saw indiana jones in the theaters with my family today. let's just say i wouldn't want to see it again.

and when we left the theater, it was pouring rain - almost hurricane-like! it was wonderful. i think it means more to me than just the heat wave breaking :]

i especially don't like washing plastic containers. again, this has nothing to do with my post.

today i went to the library! it made me so happy! i haven't gone to the library in....a year i guess? i think since last summer...

oh it felt so nice to walk into that library and look at all the possibilities of books to read! there were so many i found that i wanted to read and i took out six books which i probably won't be able to finish in time for their due date, but will try to anyway.

i also took out 3 dvds for me & pam to watch. yay :]

i'm so excited. although, i was trying to read rebecca pippert's out of the saltshaker & into the world, but i will try to multi-task in my reading and read a couple of books at once, that one included because right now it's the most practical.

right at this very moment i'm singing along to michelle branch's find your way back! which came up on my itunes library. that makes me really really happy.

so, an update:

these last few days have been pretty crazy and fun and stupid and fruitful all in different ways. of course, stuff at home is still the same, but i'm trying to be more helpful around the house. i'm working on it.
as for church friends, pam, sarah, libby, a few of the guys, and i went to the beach on monday and it was really fun :] well, until after dinner @ chili's when a bunch of the other guys from church joined us and we all went back to the beach to go crabbing. i don't really want to talk about that here :\ it wasn't THAT bad, but it could've been. let's just put it that way.
but it was good bonding time i guess. that's a plus.

a HUGE plus is that i really got to spend a lot of time with the fabulous five: sarah, libby, pam, kenzie, and me being the fifth. it's interesting how we've known each other since we were all born and we've been friends all that time and yet we still have so many things to work on in our relationships to each other. it makes me so happy to see that we're growing so much in our own lives and in our own walks with Christ that even though our relationships to each other haven't caught up yet, that we're willing to work on it and really take each relationship to a deeper level. it's so awesome! i love my sisters :] and it gives me a huge encouragement about sophomore year. i really want to make a good honest effort to keep in touch with my girls.

and then today i ate lunch with my friend priscilla, and it was really nice to just sit and talk with her. she's one of the main reasons right now of why i need to read becky pippert's book. she's really open to coming to a really small Bible study group i'm trying to start with raymond and mary situ. that makes me excited :]

ah, summer :D

the thing about humidity? it makes the air feel heavy...as well as everything else.

i can bake cookies, but i cannot bake cupcakes to save my life. that is the only thing that was made clear to me today.

as for everything else, it just became very foggy and heavy - just like today's humidity. i am just so frustrated about so many things and it's all so confusing because there's no black and white answers and i don't know what to do.

i feel like everywhere i turn, i'm failing in some sort of fashion. if i'm not failing others, then i'm failing myself. if i'm not failing myself, then i'm failing others. it's a lose-lose situation everywhere.

i can't stand this. why can't i ever find a balance? i feel like i always have to choose between worlds: bing and home, bing and home. i can't seem to hold both. i can't mesh them together. i can't.

i've neglected my friends at home. i really have. and i feel horrible for it. i want them to know how important they are to me. but they see me as being too busy and too in love with my bing life that i don't have time for them until i come home. and then they get mad when i say i don't want to come home. and i get that. i'd probably be hurt too if someone said they didn't want to come home to me either.

but it's hard coming home. it really is. but i feel like i have nothing to complain about because my parents aren't divorced, i'm not worried about food not being on the table, i don't have to worry about getting a job to pay bills, i don't have to worry about paying for college or worry about not fitting in at school. i have an extremely blessed life.

so why should i complain? why should i complain about this wonderful life that i have, with parents that trust me with my life enough not to care about my grades or my day or my problems or my interests or spiritual life but care enough to think i'm too young to go on a road trip with my friends? why should i complain about having my oldest sister, who's turning 22, still act like she's 14 and brings up the same problems every single day at dinner and brings the same arguments and burdens to my parents? why should i complain while i watch my dad work his butt off while my mom doesn't give him the support he needs?

so i'm mad at myself. for everything. i'm mad at myself for failing my friends at home. i'm mad at myself for not doing more for them, not reaching out to them more. i'd always told myself i didn't want to be that person. i was selfish for wanting to be taken care of by my friends at school. i was selfish for wanting to be fed spiritually and not having to worry about stuff at home or drama at home or my other friends' problems at home. i'm mad at myself for that. i'm mad at myself for not being able to do enough to make up for it. i'm mad at myself for being mad at myself. i'm even mad at myself for writing about this on my blog. this is stupid. i need to talk to somebody.

i feel like i'm constantly making a mess and constantly trying to clean up my mess. like i keep spilling milk, clean it up, refill my glass, just to spill it again. again and again and again and again.

you should lock me up in a cellar. no one deserves to be my friend.

sigh. i want Jesus to come back right now.

no one seems to understand me except Him. and pam.