Someone stole our GPS from our car last week. They also stole a few CDs and a car charger, too. It didn't look like anyone broke into the car, so I suspect that Nathan and I somehow forgot to lock the car when we unloaded it the day before, carrying way too many conference supplies and snacks after running some errands.
There were many different frustrations to reckon with - frustration that Nathan and I (though I think it was probably really me) forgot to lock the door in the first place; frustration that I didn't want to feel dependent on the stupid GPS but was feeling the tensions of not having it because everywhere we've needed to travel to so far didn't seem to have proper signage. Cue the extra u-turns, missed exits, and roundabout routes to destinations. Then cue the rain, the unnecessary tears, and confused husband who doesn't know what to do with his mess of a wife.
But the stolen GPS also came in the midst of this major season of frustration in my life, which can be boiled down into two categories: frustrations with ministry, and frustrations with myself.
I know this may sound super cheesy, but I can't help but compare how I feel about our missing GPS with how I feel about my life. I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible daughter, a terrible staff worker, and a terrible follower of Jesus. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what God's saying, or how to lead others who don't think like me or communicate like me very well. I don't know how to trust God but also avoid sitting around waiting for God to wave a magic wand and do something. I know He doesn't work that way.
It's frustrating because I'm trying to make decisions about where to go or what to try instead of just standing around, but I don't have any signs telling me if I'm going the right way or need to turn around. Everything I try seems to hit dead ends.
Today I realize I'm starting to feel a numbness creep in. There's a temptation for me to start shutting down because I've tried caring and it's not getting me anywhere. It only seems to deepen the sense that I'm lost. Nothing seems to work.
But my fear of becoming depressed seems to be outweighing everything else to give me enough strength to fight the numbness for now, so I'm trying to dig into God's Word again. I may not recognize where God's working or what God's doing in my life. I may not understand what He's trying to tell me. And I may be terrible at almost everything. But I'll use what little gas I have left in the tank to try and show up.
Showing posts with label Leadership. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Leadership. Show all posts
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
His pursuit.
Thinking about my basic need for community has caused me to think of my basic desire for someone to reach out to me.
It's not a new issue, and I don't think I'm the only one in the world who wrestles through this. If I remember correctly, Libby and I used to call it "the dreaded 'i' word" (or something like that) back in high school. We would talk about how much we would do our best to take initiative with others (particularly with a specific group of friends) and how we wished they would take more initiative with us. Being pursued by others was often so scarce in my life that I even mentally prepared myself for the possibility that a boy may never actually pursue me in life (which didn't turn out to be true, but I'm glad I prepared myself anyway!). And after some tumultuous friendships over time tried to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that friends I have may not ever really pursue me the way I hoped they would.
Back in middle school or the beginning of high school, my pastor gave a sermon about taking initiative. He defined someone who takes initiative this way: you're aware of a need and you care enough to do something about it. He said that you needed both "aware" and "care" to complete it because you can be aware of a need but not actually care enough to do anything about it, and you can care about a need but not actually be aware of what the realistic needs actually are in order to meet them well. I always thought that was a good way of seeing it.
Dictionary.com simply defines initiative this way: an introductory act or step; leading action. In other words, you make the first move. You reach out to someone. I interchange the words initiative and pursue in this post because to me, to pursue someone is to take initiative with that person again and again and again. We have this deep desire for someone to pursue us. We want someone to know us with all of our strengths and weaknesses and still want to spend time with us, ask about how we're doing, and simply think about us from time to time.
The problem, though, is if everyone wants to be pursued, then who's going to take the initiative?
It would be a whole different issue if I expected people to pursue me without the equal expectation that I would pursue others. I can't just sit around and complain while I lack my own discipline to extend the very initiative I wish others to extend to me. I realized that I have not been doing as good of a job with this over this year as I have in the past, and that it is one way I can improve in loving others as myself. While I can't expect others to change, I know I can work on changing myself.
And as God has taught me before, it's guaranteed that there are going to be times where I take the initiative to pursue others and it feels like no one is pursuing me. It'll be tempting to blame others, resent them, or hold a grudge against them. But in those times it'll be important to remind myself that someone is pursuing me. In fact, God took the initiative with us before any of us ever did.
The question, then, is: am I willing to let go of my pride and expectations to open my heart and eyes to see how He constantly pursues me each day?
If so, then the question becomes: how am I pursuing others the way God is pursuing me? Am I aware of others' needs and do I care enough to do something about them?
It's not a new issue, and I don't think I'm the only one in the world who wrestles through this. If I remember correctly, Libby and I used to call it "the dreaded 'i' word" (or something like that) back in high school. We would talk about how much we would do our best to take initiative with others (particularly with a specific group of friends) and how we wished they would take more initiative with us. Being pursued by others was often so scarce in my life that I even mentally prepared myself for the possibility that a boy may never actually pursue me in life (which didn't turn out to be true, but I'm glad I prepared myself anyway!). And after some tumultuous friendships over time tried to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that friends I have may not ever really pursue me the way I hoped they would.
Back in middle school or the beginning of high school, my pastor gave a sermon about taking initiative. He defined someone who takes initiative this way: you're aware of a need and you care enough to do something about it. He said that you needed both "aware" and "care" to complete it because you can be aware of a need but not actually care enough to do anything about it, and you can care about a need but not actually be aware of what the realistic needs actually are in order to meet them well. I always thought that was a good way of seeing it.
Dictionary.com simply defines initiative this way: an introductory act or step; leading action. In other words, you make the first move. You reach out to someone. I interchange the words initiative and pursue in this post because to me, to pursue someone is to take initiative with that person again and again and again. We have this deep desire for someone to pursue us. We want someone to know us with all of our strengths and weaknesses and still want to spend time with us, ask about how we're doing, and simply think about us from time to time.
The problem, though, is if everyone wants to be pursued, then who's going to take the initiative?
It would be a whole different issue if I expected people to pursue me without the equal expectation that I would pursue others. I can't just sit around and complain while I lack my own discipline to extend the very initiative I wish others to extend to me. I realized that I have not been doing as good of a job with this over this year as I have in the past, and that it is one way I can improve in loving others as myself. While I can't expect others to change, I know I can work on changing myself.
And as God has taught me before, it's guaranteed that there are going to be times where I take the initiative to pursue others and it feels like no one is pursuing me. It'll be tempting to blame others, resent them, or hold a grudge against them. But in those times it'll be important to remind myself that someone is pursuing me. In fact, God took the initiative with us before any of us ever did.
The question, then, is: am I willing to let go of my pride and expectations to open my heart and eyes to see how He constantly pursues me each day?
If so, then the question becomes: how am I pursuing others the way God is pursuing me? Am I aware of others' needs and do I care enough to do something about them?
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Whac-an-insecurity.
So I'm beginning to find that this whole
newlywed-in-a-new-town-with-a-new-job-looking-for-a-new-community thing
is turning out to be a lot like the "Whac-a-mole" carnival game. At
least, that's what I think of in terms of recognizing how I'm doing
during this whole adjustment period. It's more like,
"Whac-an-insecurity" kind of game.
Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing. Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well. I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears.
It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere. They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities. One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong. I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.
It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions. And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them. It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.
I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity. I'm not quite sure where it came from. Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament. It's probably both and then some.
After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well. Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either. I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace. There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react. There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that. But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that. It's a discernment process to work on.
Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.
I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:
Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing. Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well. I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears.
It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere. They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities. One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong. I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.
It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions. And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them. It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.
I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity. I'm not quite sure where it came from. Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament. It's probably both and then some.
After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well. Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either. I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace. There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react. There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that. But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that. It's a discernment process to work on.
Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.
I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:
And of course, you can't leave out a good video from The Ellen Show:
Now I want to eat some guacamole.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Moving out of Section A and into Section B.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be transfer student. You're in a new town and a new school, but you're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue as to where things are or what the heck you should be doing, people kind of assume that you do. You're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue, you don't have hundreds of other people around you who also don't have a clue that you can instantly bond and become friends with over the fact that you don't have a clue and can be comforted in having those new friends who are alongside of you for the journey of figuring it all out. You're a transfer student. You want friends. But they don't come easy because people have already made their friends and no one's really looking for any new ones. You're not a freshman and you're a transfer student without a clue and without any friends, so you get lost. You get lost and yet people ask you for directions, expecting you to have the answers, but you just don't know anything. Because you're a transfer student, you kind of get the gist of what college life is like, but because you're in a new context the college life takes a different shape that you're not quite familiar with.
I haven't been able to put my finger on how I've been feeling over this summer or just within these past few weeks. It all feels the same but it all feels different. I feel lonely, but not really. I feel unsettled, but not really. I feel sad, but I don't know what about and I don't know why. Just a few days or maybe a week ago I said I was happy, but knew the fair-weather feeling wouldn't be around long. Well, the time has come. Good ol' happiness has left the building.
It's the part of the story where the main character doesn't quite know how they got here.
Bill Hybels always describes a leader as someone who moves others from "here" (i.e. the current state) to "there" (i.e. the reality of the vision). Here's something he brought up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit. Let's say this diagram describes that process of going from "here" to "there":
Would you say it's A, B, or C?
The people around me thought it was C. My gut instinct was B, but then I was succumbed to "groupthink" and thought it was C.
The answer? Section B. Section B is where the vision is most vulnerable. The reason? Well, according to Bill Hybels, for Section A, the vision is strong. You're pumped up, you're excited, you're on fire and ready to do anything and go anywhere right out of the gate. The vision has successfully energized you into action. For Section C, you're so close to the vision becoming a reality that it fires you back up. You make the last push. You endure through whatever's going on now because you can see the end. You're so close, you can almost taste the victory.
For Section B, however, neither the beginning nor the end are in sight. Bill Hybels says that Section B is where you realize you're not invincible but neither can you see the end. The initial high spirits and excitement has died down; your weaknesses, flaws, and lack of control rise to the surface tenfold; and success is not even on your radar. No wonder why the vision is most vulnerable there.
So I maybe my life right now feels like a transfer student who also may not be quite in the depths of Section B, but have definitively moved very far away from, "here." I want to live a good story, but I don't know what I want. I want to live a good story, but I also need to work with what I've been given.
I guess it means I've got to cast vision to myself again. I've got to find ways to keep the vision alive. And maybe that means I need to dream a little. And then maybe flesh out those dreams a little more. Then maybe all of these piles and piles of goals and strategies and plans and action steps will make a little more sense and become a little clearer so I can chuck the ones that don't fit right now.
It's the part of the story where the main character doesn't quite know how they got here.
Bill Hybels always describes a leader as someone who moves others from "here" (i.e. the current state) to "there" (i.e. the reality of the vision). Here's something he brought up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit. Let's say this diagram describes that process of going from "here" to "there":
Here -------------------------------------------------------------------There
Now, let me ask you a question: If we were to divide this process into three sections, at which section do you think the vision is most vulnerable?
[Here -------------------][-------------------------][-----------------------There]
A B CWould you say it's A, B, or C?
The people around me thought it was C. My gut instinct was B, but then I was succumbed to "groupthink" and thought it was C.
The answer? Section B. Section B is where the vision is most vulnerable. The reason? Well, according to Bill Hybels, for Section A, the vision is strong. You're pumped up, you're excited, you're on fire and ready to do anything and go anywhere right out of the gate. The vision has successfully energized you into action. For Section C, you're so close to the vision becoming a reality that it fires you back up. You make the last push. You endure through whatever's going on now because you can see the end. You're so close, you can almost taste the victory.
For Section B, however, neither the beginning nor the end are in sight. Bill Hybels says that Section B is where you realize you're not invincible but neither can you see the end. The initial high spirits and excitement has died down; your weaknesses, flaws, and lack of control rise to the surface tenfold; and success is not even on your radar. No wonder why the vision is most vulnerable there.
So I maybe my life right now feels like a transfer student who also may not be quite in the depths of Section B, but have definitively moved very far away from, "here." I want to live a good story, but I don't know what I want. I want to live a good story, but I also need to work with what I've been given.
I guess it means I've got to cast vision to myself again. I've got to find ways to keep the vision alive. And maybe that means I need to dream a little. And then maybe flesh out those dreams a little more. Then maybe all of these piles and piles of goals and strategies and plans and action steps will make a little more sense and become a little clearer so I can chuck the ones that don't fit right now.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Relentless.
I've decided that a way that could help me take sabbath is by coming up with creative ways to take them and then post them here on my blog to share about my experiences here with you.
During my post-breakdown/forced recovery on Tuesday (when I tried to go to sleep early but couldn't sleep - I hate when that happens), I was talking with Sarah and she gave me the idea of spending my sabbath rearranging my room.
I loved the idea - so I ran with it. Here's what my room looked like before:
The process was definitely restful. I knew it would be good because it was a project I could start and finish and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I watched a couple of episodes of Friends (I've never really watched too many episodes before - more on that in a different post), listened to some music, and ruminated over some TED talks (this one is particularly good!).
And here's what my room looks like now:
Photos don't really do it justice, so I hope you can tell the difference. If not, that means if you're one of my friends, you should come visit so you can see for yourself! If you're an acquaintance and we don't really talk, you should stop vicariously getting to know me via cyberspace and actually say hi because I would love to get to know you better. And if you're a complete stranger, you should just get over it because you shouldn't be stalking me.
It's interesting timing because I'm going to participate in World Vision's Relentless Act:s, and the first week is the challenge of recreating our physical environments - I didn't realize. But maybe this act of sabbath is a good way to prep for Lent. I was thinking of using that week to decorate my room during that week of Lent so that I'll be aware of important issues. I'm excited to see how I will encounter God in this way and what He'll say to me. You should do it with me so we can talk about it!
Anyway, praise God for an awesome sabbath. Now I have a new space to diligently do my work and actively rest to renew my strength and remember who I am in Christ.
During my post-breakdown/forced recovery on Tuesday (when I tried to go to sleep early but couldn't sleep - I hate when that happens), I was talking with Sarah and she gave me the idea of spending my sabbath rearranging my room.
I loved the idea - so I ran with it. Here's what my room looked like before:
The process was definitely restful. I knew it would be good because it was a project I could start and finish and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I watched a couple of episodes of Friends (I've never really watched too many episodes before - more on that in a different post), listened to some music, and ruminated over some TED talks (this one is particularly good!).
And here's what my room looks like now:
Photos don't really do it justice, so I hope you can tell the difference. If not, that means if you're one of my friends, you should come visit so you can see for yourself! If you're an acquaintance and we don't really talk, you should stop vicariously getting to know me via cyberspace and actually say hi because I would love to get to know you better. And if you're a complete stranger, you should just get over it because you shouldn't be stalking me.
It's interesting timing because I'm going to participate in World Vision's Relentless Act:s, and the first week is the challenge of recreating our physical environments - I didn't realize. But maybe this act of sabbath is a good way to prep for Lent. I was thinking of using that week to decorate my room during that week of Lent so that I'll be aware of important issues. I'm excited to see how I will encounter God in this way and what He'll say to me. You should do it with me so we can talk about it!
Anyway, praise God for an awesome sabbath. Now I have a new space to diligently do my work and actively rest to renew my strength and remember who I am in Christ.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
From one of my old notebooks from my freshman year of college:
"It's not about what we accomplish but what we relinquish." --Anonymous
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I want to lead a small group.
This is not something I just realized today. Ever since freshman year I've always had a small desire in the back of my mind to lead a small group. I'd imagine what I would do differently in the small groups I've participated in, and I'd imagine what I'd want to see happen and what God could do through my small group.
Some people have suggested to me or have wondered why I haven't led a small group during my time here at Binghamton, especially if I've had this interest in it. And I think it's simply because God was leading me in a different direction. He has taught me a lot of things I'd never imagine learning through the leadership positions I've been in, and I've learned a lot about myself and from leadership by submitting myself to someone else's leadership. I've learned a lot about small groups by learning to be a good small group member. And I've learned a lot about my own development while also learning how to develop others by putting those small group skills into action in other ways.
That's just how it went for me. It's hard to think about sometimes because I always know there's a huge need for small group leaders and whenever there's a need I want to do whatever I can to help meet it, but in our broken world with the presence of sin, there are always going to be a million needs and God does not call us to meet every single one we come across. That was hard for me to learn (and in a lot of ways I still wrestle with that). Just because you are able to do everything doesn't mean you should.
I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if God had led me to small group leading in my InterVarsity chapter. But at the same time, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made.
I am, however, interested in leading a small group after I graduate. We'll see where God leads.
Some people have suggested to me or have wondered why I haven't led a small group during my time here at Binghamton, especially if I've had this interest in it. And I think it's simply because God was leading me in a different direction. He has taught me a lot of things I'd never imagine learning through the leadership positions I've been in, and I've learned a lot about myself and from leadership by submitting myself to someone else's leadership. I've learned a lot about small groups by learning to be a good small group member. And I've learned a lot about my own development while also learning how to develop others by putting those small group skills into action in other ways.
That's just how it went for me. It's hard to think about sometimes because I always know there's a huge need for small group leaders and whenever there's a need I want to do whatever I can to help meet it, but in our broken world with the presence of sin, there are always going to be a million needs and God does not call us to meet every single one we come across. That was hard for me to learn (and in a lot of ways I still wrestle with that). Just because you are able to do everything doesn't mean you should.
I sometimes wonder what it would've been like if God had led me to small group leading in my InterVarsity chapter. But at the same time, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made.
I am, however, interested in leading a small group after I graduate. We'll see where God leads.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'll have a "Why" sandwich, but hold the "Because."
I thought it was interesting how yesterday Ethan, someone in my small group, mentioned Gideon during our Bible study of 1 Samuel. My Bible reading for today included the calling of Gideon. And I thought it was very interesting to read:
Summarized context (Judges 6:6): And Israel was brought very low because of Midian. And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.
Judges 6:11-16
Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor." And Gideon said to him, "Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."
How often do we think like Gideon? That somehow when things go wrong it's God's character to run away or be absent when the going gets tough. My guess was that Gideon was hurting from all the suffering not only for himself but for his family and his people as well - he says, "why...us?" instead of "why...me?" They were suffering under the hand of the Midianites so much that they were crying to the Lord for help and it seemed like if we were all suffering, God couldn't be there. How often do we see others say, "How could God let these bad things happen?" And how often do we say to God, "Why me? Why is all of this happening to the world around me? Where are the all the good things You promised?" We think that the presence of evil equals the absence of God and that to us it all just isn't fair.
And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?"
Usually when someone asks "why?" you answer with "because." This is where parents usually dig themselves a hole when their kid asks "why?" to a question that the parents either don't want to answer or just don't have the answer to. They end up stumbling over their words or just give their kids the very dissatisfying, "Because I said so."
But God never says in the Bible, "Because I said so."
In fact, even seeing from God's response to Gideon, God doesn't even say, "Because." He just tells Gideon to do something about it. All in one sentence God seems to be saying, "I care about your pain and your family's pain and your people's pain just as much if not way more than you do. But guess what? I'm way ahead of you. I've already thought of a plan - and you get to be a part of it. So stop wallowing in asking the wrong questions and go do something about it."
And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house."
Gideon must have thought God was being absolutely ridiculous. I mean, come on, can you imagine? It's like Gideon was saying, "God, are you kidding me? It's impossible for me to do anything - that's why I asked you why you were putting us through all this suffering in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything about it. It's too big of a task for me to take on."
God was calling Gideon into leadership. How often do we respond to God that way when we see a great need or are asked to "step up"? We tell God all the reasons why we wouldn't be fit for the job: we're not smart enough, we're not brave like that other person, someone else is better suited for it, we're not organized or efficient enough, and the list could go on and on.
We let our weaknesses become our fears. We don't know how it'll all turn out and we're afraid of failing, of disappointing others, of not doing a good enough job. We equate leadership with strength, intelligence and power, and that's everything we don't have or don't have enough of to take on the big task of leading.
But look at God's response:
And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."
We freak out, get anxious and angry, and more often than not complain/whine about God not being around when we're experiencing or witnessing others experience suffering. But really, God cares more about us and others than we do. He wants us and tells us we can do something about it and promises that He'll be with us every step of the way.
Summarized context (Judges 6:6): And Israel was brought very low because of Midian. And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.
Judges 6:11-16
Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor." And Gideon said to him, "Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."
How often do we think like Gideon? That somehow when things go wrong it's God's character to run away or be absent when the going gets tough. My guess was that Gideon was hurting from all the suffering not only for himself but for his family and his people as well - he says, "why...us?" instead of "why...me?" They were suffering under the hand of the Midianites so much that they were crying to the Lord for help and it seemed like if we were all suffering, God couldn't be there. How often do we see others say, "How could God let these bad things happen?" And how often do we say to God, "Why me? Why is all of this happening to the world around me? Where are the all the good things You promised?" We think that the presence of evil equals the absence of God and that to us it all just isn't fair.
And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?"
Usually when someone asks "why?" you answer with "because." This is where parents usually dig themselves a hole when their kid asks "why?" to a question that the parents either don't want to answer or just don't have the answer to. They end up stumbling over their words or just give their kids the very dissatisfying, "Because I said so."
But God never says in the Bible, "Because I said so."
In fact, even seeing from God's response to Gideon, God doesn't even say, "Because." He just tells Gideon to do something about it. All in one sentence God seems to be saying, "I care about your pain and your family's pain and your people's pain just as much if not way more than you do. But guess what? I'm way ahead of you. I've already thought of a plan - and you get to be a part of it. So stop wallowing in asking the wrong questions and go do something about it."
And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house."
Gideon must have thought God was being absolutely ridiculous. I mean, come on, can you imagine? It's like Gideon was saying, "God, are you kidding me? It's impossible for me to do anything - that's why I asked you why you were putting us through all this suffering in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything about it. It's too big of a task for me to take on."
God was calling Gideon into leadership. How often do we respond to God that way when we see a great need or are asked to "step up"? We tell God all the reasons why we wouldn't be fit for the job: we're not smart enough, we're not brave like that other person, someone else is better suited for it, we're not organized or efficient enough, and the list could go on and on.
We let our weaknesses become our fears. We don't know how it'll all turn out and we're afraid of failing, of disappointing others, of not doing a good enough job. We equate leadership with strength, intelligence and power, and that's everything we don't have or don't have enough of to take on the big task of leading.
But look at God's response:
And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."
We freak out, get anxious and angry, and more often than not complain/whine about God not being around when we're experiencing or witnessing others experience suffering. But really, God cares more about us and others than we do. He wants us and tells us we can do something about it and promises that He'll be with us every step of the way.
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