Unceasing hope.

I'm excited about things not because of what I've done or what I could do but instead about what God's done and what He will do.

All I can think of to describe Basileia is Praise God. Praise God for His goodness, for the struggles, for the ways He's been transforming my life.

It's like God's been saying, "You're not finished yet, but just look at what I've done with you already. Look how far I've brought you. You are not the same young lady you were when you first entered college. You have so much to be thankful for. Come sit in my presence and bask in the glory that belongs to me."

I don't know what next year's going to look like, or even what the rest of this summer will look like. Things this year hadn't gone the way I had planned or hoped. But God has opened my eyes time and time again to His work in my life and through my life, whether or not I've fully obeyed Him. And how much more wonderful were the times I did obey!

I've never felt more alive or more real than the times that my heart aligned with His, when I've wanted what He's wanted. Never.

I think for most of my life I used to view my own identity in Christ like a caterpillar with wings.

But ever since college, I've begun to see myself as someone turning into a real butterfly, as cheesy as that may sound.

I feel like I'm ready for senior year because God's been preparing me all three of these years for everything that is to come after.

I titled this post, "Unceasing hope" because I was thinking today about how I don't like how people look down on me because I have this excitement or hope in the future. I fear that as I get older I'll become more and more cynical, falling into some kind of routine and not being open to change. I want my life to be rhythmic and exciting, with fullness and joy as if every day were my last. It's discouraging when people say things like, "Oh, you're still young. Reality will come when you get older," as though my hope were pointless or just a phase of life.

It's part of the reason why I'm always amazed by InterVarsity and their staff. People of InterVarsity commit so much of their lives to students just like me. They encourage us to have hope and to dream big because our hope lies in God and our big dreams lie in a big God. They organize and plan down from big picture to nitty-gritty details to make things run as smoothly as possible, preparing an environment for God's glory to be fully experienced and reflected.

I think of this sense of lost hope like the "Sophomore Slump" that every always seems to talk about at the end of freshman year. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It'll only exist/happen if you let it.

There's a quote that my Dad hung up in our kitchen that says, "Whether you think you can or that you can't, you're usually right." --Henry Ford

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
I believed; therefore I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."
And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.
O Lord, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant;
you have freed me from my chains.

I will sacrfice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord - in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.

I'm thinking about...

NOTHING! And it feels GREAT :D

I've finished my last assignment as a Junior and am ready to be called a Senior.
And I'm so ready to pack.
And I'm so ready to sleep. I unfortunately stayed up late last night for absolutely no reason. I wasn't really sleepy, strangely enough.

I came into work today @ 9am and apparently Lucy didn't know I was coming in today. Epic fail on my part. I could've stayed in bed longer.

I want to add more pictures to my blog posts. I will think about this for the future.

I have a feeling I'm going to like my academic workload next semester. I really hope I do. These past few semesters have been intense stuff and I'm ready to get back up on the Dean's List.

Ahh I can't wait to hand in this paper to be officially finished with this semester!! Let me out of work!

Prayer.

After that moment of panic in my last post, Sarah Min came over for discipleship and I calmed down again. Sarah always seemed to have that kind of effect on this entire year, just with her presence.

Lately I've been very reflective of this semester and this year. Over this year God has really made prayer and social justice a lot more "within reach" for me. I always knew they were important as a disciple of Christ, but they always seemed to be way over my head or too nebulous for me to unpack or unravel or make relevant to me.

My attitude towards prayer has been changing. And I think this strange peace that's been growing in me over the semester roots itself in how I pray and when I pray. I'm drawn to my knees more and more whether or not there's a feeling of desperation, and the way I pray and the attitude I have focuses on the things I've learned about prayer - putting God as the absolute center of prayer, and praying with/about the truths of God's character. I've been believing in false narratives of what God's character is like and didn't even know it.

Praying is awesome and I love seeing how far God has brought me this year!
Usually there's this Spring Semester Funk that I get every year, but it's cool to see how I didn't really experience that this semester. God has really done a lot of work in my life.

I'm SO excited for next year. Fearing God before I fear the known or the unknown really brings about a peace and a joy knowing in my mind and my heart that it is all in His hands and I have to privilege to be a part of all He has in store for me.

Trying not to freak out.

If I was Jodie Foster, I'd probably be in my Panic Room right now.
Either that, or if I was Sookie St. James I'd be heaving into a brown bag.

But since I am neither, I'll stick with the typical heart-pounding, pull-out-my-hair whole ordeal.
Or at least, I'll try not to panic at all.

Pray, pray, pray.

What happened to the peace I had all semester? How do I know what God's real peace is like? How do I know it's not just my own psychological head messing with itself?

It's not about positive thinking.
It's not like all the consequences are going to disappear.

Oh gosh. I can't wait until this week is OVER.

And I have these mysterious bruises in such strange places. I have no idea where they came from. Either I'm really klutzy and don't even know it, or Michelle's beating me up in my sleep.