Whac-an-insecurity.

So I'm beginning to find that this whole newlywed-in-a-new-town-with-a-new-job-looking-for-a-new-community thing is turning out to be a lot like the "Whac-a-mole" carnival game.  At least, that's what I think of in terms of recognizing how I'm doing during this whole adjustment period.  It's more like, "Whac-an-insecurity" kind of game.

Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing.  Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears. 

It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere.  They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities.  One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong.  I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time.  I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.

It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions.  And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them.  It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.

I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity.  I'm not quite sure where it came from.  Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament.  It's probably both and then some.

After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well.  Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either.  I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace.  There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react.  There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that.  But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that.  It's a discernment process to work on.

Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.

I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:

And of course, you can't leave out a good video from The Ellen Show:

Now I want to eat some guacamole.

Happy Book Post #2

11. Thick and creamy peppermint hot chocolate with cinnamon and whipped cream.
12. Really nice store clerks.
13. Getting a DSLR camera!
14. Creating a fun layout for a table display with InterVarsity brochures, materials, and my business cards.
15. Affirmation from my supervisors.
16. When people I barely know are so willing to be open and share their honest stories with me.
17. Better World Book sales.
18. Visiting the 'Used Books' section in Barnes & Noble.
19. Listening to missionaries' incredible stories.
20. Thinking about what a privilege and joy it is to work with the colleagues I have.
21. Discovering a different Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor I like.
22. Having a Ben & Jerry's Scoop Shop on campus at RIT.
23. Looking at different kinds of houses with Nathan and sharing what we like or don't like about them.
24. Winning a copy of 'This Ordinary Adventure'!
25. Grabbing an open parking spot in front of the apartment.

What makes you happy?

Happy Book Post #1

1. My husband.
2. Video chatting with Kat.
3. Good coffee shop atmospheres.
4. Finishing a book.
5. Ridiculous connections between what you would think would be the most random people.
6. Not just coming up with good ideas for sabbath, but actually doing them.
7. Working from home.
8. Eating dinner by candlelight.  (Beautiful ambiance and an energy saver?  Yes, please!)
9. Video chatting with Michelle.
10. When friends come to visit us in Rochester.

What makes you happy?

Reincarnation of the Happy Book.

So yes, as you could've guessed from my previous post, I am resurrecting the Happy Book.  Except, it's not going to function in quite the same way as it did before.  Here's how it's going to work.  I'm not going to write Happy Book entries into a physical notebook.  They are going to be posts on this blog with multiple happy things listed in each post.  They'll probably all be titled, "Happy Book Post of the Day" or something.  I won't make a minimum or maximum as to how many happy things I can list so I don't limit myself.  Each post will be as many happy things as I can think of or feel like writing at that moment.  I will also start with entry #1 even though my last entry in the physical Happy Books ended at 9,196 because this is an entirely different medium which denotes a slightly different approach and accessibility than its predecessor. 

There are several reasons why I want to do this and why I want to do it in this particular way:

1. I think it'll be good for my soul.  Especially for this particular season in my life, I need to get back into the habit of focusing on the blessings God has given me.  I'm also just such a different person than I was back in high school and the beginning of college, so it'll be interesting to see how I've changed.
2. I think it could be of encouragement for others.  This, of course, may not be true.
3. In the case that it would not be encouraging for others, I think it would just be interesting to read.  
4. It'll be a good exercise to help me post more frequently, since I have a lot of posting "down time" - the long periods of time between what ends up becoming my lengthier life posts.  The Happy Book posts won't be as tedious to read through.  I think they'll be a nice break from my other life posts.
5. After perusing YouTube videos and other random people's blogs, I've always wanted to try a categorical kind of approach to mix it up and I think this is one that fits who I am.

You may realize, since you might have contributed to the old Happy Books before or just read the story I wrote about how it came into existence, that there's a very important piece missing from this format that the books had:  participation from others.  That, however, will solely be up to you.  Now, I don't know who still reads this blog as I really have no way of telling, but I will warmly welcome anyone who would like to contribute to my Happy Book posts.

Here's how you can contribute to the Happy Book posts:

1. At the end of each Happy Book post, I'll ask you, the reader, what makes you happy.  That will be my invitation and reminder to you that you are more than welcome to share the things that make you happy.
2. Feel free to leave a comment or email me anytime with the things that make you happy that you want me to add in the next Happy Book post.  
3. If you want to be anonymous, indicate as such.  Otherwise, I will put some combination of initials and names, but not full names (i.e., John D., J. Doe, or J.D., NOT John Doe).
4. Then, the next time I write a Happy Book post, I'll add everyone else's, too.

That's it!  Here's to the start of a new Happy Book era.

The story of the Happy Book.

Once upon a time, there was a high school girl named Tammy.  She had wanted to be an author and write a book since she was nine years old, so she often perused websites that would help her with her writing and her writing life.  One day as she was looking through articles on the Writer's Digest website, she came across an article titled, "Create a Happy Book!" in the Personal Writing section.  She was inspired to make her own, so she picked up a small spiral notebook and started to write.  Thus, the Happy Book was born on January 19th, 2006.

Tammy thought the Happy Book was a brilliant idea.  It was small enough so that she could carry it around with her without adding much extra weight, which meant she could write down things that made her happy when she needed a quick break from homework, was waiting in line or at a doctor's office, was bored on a bus or car ride, or just needed to focus on something that would help pick up her spirits. 

One day, she noticed that she would run out of things to write at the moment, and since she was sometimes in the presence of friends and others, was curious about what made others happy.  So she came up with another idea.  She decided to try sharing her Happy Book with her friends, family, and even strangers!  She asked others around her what made them happy and would proceed to write their initials or name next to it so she could remember who said what and to remember that it wasn't her own entry. 

The Happy Book was bursting with good things.  With her friends and family, it sparked great conversations and brought people together.  She got to learn more about what made her friends and family happy, and in doing so, they were creating happy moments!  Tammy found that the Happy Book created opportunities to make new friends and meet new people because she or someone else would ask what made him/her happy and invite him/her into the conversation.  She also found that the more she and others wrote, the more she saw how the Happy Book documented where, when, and with whom she was interacting and the memories created in that period of time and space.  It was becoming very much like a scrapbook of happy things that bound together memories, common ground, new ideas, the building of old relationships and creation of new ones.

Tammy and her friends and family wrote so many happy things that the list reached 1,000 entries.  But of course, they kept going.  Soon enough, they finished the entire spiral notebook with 2,999.  But of course, they didn't stop there.  Tammy and her community went on to fill 3 1/2 small spiral notebooks with 9,196 happy things!

As the Happy Book began to produce a whole family of Happy Books, Tammy's life was moving on.  She graduated high school and began to make it through her first year of college.  She kept writing in the fourth Happy Book all throughout her first semester, since there were so many things in her college life that made her happy.  But soon she discovered that there were so many things to be happy and joyful about that the space the Happy Books created that she once appreciated was now already built into the contexts she placed herself in and the people she was surrounded by.  She was immersing herself in living out the happy things, not just writing about them.  And in that way, along with probably many other reasons, the Happy Books were almost obsolete and became artifacts of a season Tammy once had in her life. 

I share this story with you, dear blog reader, because there has been very recent consideration that perhaps this is not the end of the story.  Perhaps the Happy Book series is not entirely dead as many thought they once were.  Perhaps is it not 'The End,' but more accurately, 'To Be Continued...'

I leave you, dear blog reader, with this - the inscription written on the first page of each Happy Book on the other side of the title page:

All the things 
that make me happy,
my friends happy,
my family happy,
the world happy

to keep going,
reminding ourselves 
how many little blessings
and BIG blessings
God graces us with
to conquer all the sad things
that burden our hearts.

I've forgotten how to make friends.

There are not many things I expected or clearly wanted in a "potential husband."  I didn't create this customized soul mate for myself in my head because I knew "the one" didn't exist.  However, one of the few things I whole-heartedly (and still do) believed was that it was possible and it was okay to want my husband to be my best friend.  And friendships don't just pop out of nowhere - they need to grow and mature if you nourish them and let them go through trials.  That's how I concluded that if I were to enter a dating relationship (which, from my perspective, is for the purpose of working towards marriage), it would stem out of a solid and somewhat deep friendship I had with a brother in Christ.

And that's exactly what happened.  But I think Nathan and I did a pretty good job making it clear while we were dating that we weren't going to be each other's entire world.  We knew our significant other wasn't going to fill our emptiness, meet our every need, or make us never feel lonely again.  Other people are very important to me.  Friends and those in need were my top priority for most of my life, and a boy wasn't going to come in and mess that up. I've always needed and wanted different circles of friends, and because of this, I knew that that aspect of moving to Rochester was going to be difficult and that being married wouldn't be enough.

I don't have any friends here.  I'd like to make some.  The only problem is, I've practically forgotten how to make friends.  During my college years I was more often than not surrounded by people I knew, and even if there were new friends to be made, I made them together with my home base of friends there with me.  Nowadays I get shy or just don't open up as easily or quickly because it feels so new.  And I don't have a solid base of friends to retreat to when new relationships don't quite hit it off the way I'd hoped.

This old feeling has returned where I feel like I'm barely hanging on to my relationships from back home.  Ever since my college years I've always found it very difficult for me to develop my relationships with those who weren't within my immediately community.  It becomes a nasty tug-of-war within myself because it takes a lot of work to develop my immediate community around me, and it takes a lot of work to develop the community I grew up with, and finding a balance is like walking through some thick, pitch-dark woods without a flashlight or anything else to survive the night with.

I want my friends and family back home to know how important they are to me and how much I want to be there for them, but I know that I can't be there for them the same way I could if I was living near them.  Maybe it's been like this for a while or it's a long time coming, but the reality that I'm not going to be the first person anyone would call for help or advice has been sinking in.  No one's going to expect me to comfort them through this difficult time they're going through and ask me to pray for them right now.  I'm not going to be asked for my opinion about which color to paint their room or if they could borrow one of my dresses.  No one's going to say, "I'm so glad you picked up your phone because I really needed to talk to you."  I'm not going to be at the forefront of people's minds because the reality is that people are busy, I'm not in a dire situation (like a soldier or missionary serving overseas), and I'm not by myself.  I'm married now.

Well, I got what I asked for: my husband is my best friend.  It just never sunk in as to how, after gaining this best friend of a husband, moving to Rochester would be at the cost of so many other relationships.  The rubber has begun to meet the road where I'm working through the losses of stepping out of a community that has loved me, encouraged me, and supported me for many, many years. 

I've been thinking and blogging a lot lately about the concept of living a good story.  And as I wrestle within the tensions of moving to the fringe of one community and what it means to move deeper into another, it forces me to think about the God I serve - the God who calls us to develop and steward community as we go to the places God leads us.  The move to Rochester is a threshold I'm forced to make a decision about:  I can either constantly look back over my shoulder at what could've or should've been, or I can look forward to the opportunities I have before me to live a better story.  So I'm choosing to embrace the new stories and relationships God invites me to participate in and I'm looking forward to sharing these stories with those in both the community of my past and the community of my future.