New house.

Oh yeah, Nathan and I are moving in to a new house in a few weeks.  I keep forgetting about that.

People have been saying congratulations and asking if I was nervous, but honestly, I've only really been thinking about it when Nathan or someone else brings it up in conversation.  Nathan's been taking care of pretty much most of the details (shocking to most, but not really in my opinion), so I guess that's part of the reason why.

I wonder if part of why it hasn't sunk in is because you can get a house for pretty cheap in Rochester, so it's not as big of a dent in your wallet as it would be getting a house somewhere in NYC.  Buying a house in NYC, my dear readers, would be a big deal to me.  Now that would be a big commitment and very permanent in my opinion.  And it would definitely whack a whopping dent in my wallet.

I'm not really looking forward to the actually packing and moving part.  And I'm not too keen on the upkeep side of being a homeowner (with our apartment it's so easy - you just call when there's a problem and then someone comes and fixes it for you for no additional cost!).

I am, however, excited about the possibilities of DIY projects that owning a house can bring.  While it's not like I was in prison and couldn't do any DIY projects in our apartment, not being able to paint the walls or hammer in nails were apparently enough limitations for me to feel like my entire DIY craft freedom was taken away.  That's probably how I subconsciously rationalized my lack of home projects.  I have hope that actually owning a house will help inspire me and kick me into a let's-make-something-creative-and-useful-and-pretty kind of mode.  

The other thing is, we'll be moving in with other people (though it keeps changing and is not entirely set yet).  I was hesitant at first about this whole intentional living community thing, but less so now that Nathan and I have at least a year of marriage and living together on our own under our belt.  But as to how I'll feel about that emotionally as it becomes a reality is hard to say right now.

As many of my faithful readers probably remember, I do not think I am a person who naturally likes to be on the move.  If things were up to me, I'd probably pick a spot and stay there for the rest of my life.  I think of myself as someone who likes to set her roots and keep those roots growing.  But with feeling disconnected from my NYC home and with college and post-college life keeping me on the move, I've often wondered if this is how Abraham felt when God called him to pack up and go.  And keep going.  And keep moving.

But strangely, as I think about moving from the apartment to the new house, I don't feel anxious or reluctant or like a turtle being pulled out from her shell.  I don't know if that's because the whole new house thing hasn't sunk in yet, or because I'm starting to get used to this state of constant moving.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm just...ready.

I guess we'll find out in a future blog post.

A personal advent season. (Part 2)

As I've been gaining a better understanding of what the Advent season is really all about (this article also helps explain a little of what I've been learning), I've been starting to make some connections to my own season of life.

It's been a process of recognizing how our hope and anticipation of the coming of Christ does not stem out of this happy, easy-going, I-can-see-gifts-under-the-tree-and-can't-wait-to-open-them type of waiting.  Instead, it stems out of a period of darkness, suffering, and silence.  Advent is a season of spiritual preparation; a longing; a desire for that which is yet to come, and it is not here yet.  And this year the hope of the coming of Jesus has been evoking a much deeper response in me than simply to celebrate Jesus' birth like any other birthday, do good deeds, and extend my thanks and give good gifts.

There's simply something deeper and richer about the season of Advent that I had never learned before.

While I may not have been exiled from my land or suffered deeply as the Israelites have, it seems as though following Jesus has led me on an exodus into the wilderness, leaving behind almost everything I know and find comfort in.  Geographically, I've left my NYC hometown and my college hometown for a completely new location.  Relationally, I've left behind my friends and family to a community I have to develop and adjust to.  Vocationally, I've left behind familiar students of a familiar campus culture to lead students I've never led before in a campus culture I know next to nothing about.  Personally, I've left behind all of who I thought I was for a completely clueless twenty-something who tries really hard not to just drift through life but can't seem to get a grip on anything.

And spiritually, I have felt more disconnected from God than I ever have in my life thus far.  With these changes in life and marriage I've been forced again and again to come face to face with my selfishness and sinfulness.  It's been difficult to experience God's presence and grace,  even with the knowledge of them in my mind.

But I've been holding on to the hope that God is with me, even in the darkness.  And it's only been within the last few weeks where He has been helping me now start to see that things are getting better, slowly but surely.  There is progress in all areas of my life; despite how subtle and undramatic the progress has been, it is progress nonetheless.  The darkness still surrounds me, but the small light from a candle all the way at the other end of the unknown and uncertainty is enough to help me keep going, and keep holding on.

So as I prepare to enter the official Advent season, I've been trying to come up with creative Advent calendar ideas to help me press in to this season of recognizing the Israelites' preparation and longing for the Messiah, as well as my own today.  And while Pinterest has some really cute and crafty ideas, they don't really hit home for helping me engage and go deeper.  But we'll see what happens.  I'm sure God will use whatever I come up with to encounter Him and worship Him.

Moderate homebody of sorts.

I'm a bit of a homebody.  Not to the truest sense of the word, though.  Maybe 'moderate homebody' is a more accurate description.  I don't prefer to be home at all hours on end.  When a great opportunity arises to travel to a different state or a different country, I'm usually down (if it's feasible).  I enjoy long car rides most of the time, especially if they're to new places I've never been.  I don't really enjoy flying as much anymore, but that's mostly because of the liquid limitations (as stupid as it sounds, I unashamedly love and need my lotion...and lots of it) and "new" costs to check baggage, which I find extremely annoying.

I guess I call myself a 'moderate homebody' because I enjoy going out and traveling on the minimum end of my time.  A special occasion.  Something to look forward to.  A temporary, clearly limited time living out of a suitcase until I can exhale a sigh of relief to be home.  It becomes not so great when I'm traveling back to back to back to back.

But being home can be so boring, some of you may say.  Not so for this moderate homebody.  Home has endless possibilities for me.  It can mean reading for hours on end, or trying a new dinner recipe I've always wanted the time to make.  It can mean crafting some birthday cards or dreaming up some creative ways to send my congratulations on the new baby.  It can mean baking something delicious from scratch, or watching some fun movies from Netflix, the library, or Redbox.  It can mean having the personal time and space to host my students in town for the summer, acquaintances I hope will become friends, or out-of-town friends who would grace us with their presence to visit for a few days.  It can mean cleaning and organizing what I had hoped would magically clean and organize itself.  It can mean quality time with my husband, talking or playing or eating.  It can mean a quiet place to think, reflect, or meditate.  I love it.  I bring the adventures home without having to go very far.

And now that my home is in Rochester, it can mean a lot of other things - exploring a local cafe or shop, attending a town festival, or learning something new.  It could mean visiting museums, the zoo, or art galleries.  It could mean volunteering somewhere to serve my community.  I could take a day trip to Buffalo, the Finger Lakes, or picnic on the "beach" at Lake Ontario.  Day trips to be back home without having to pack a suitcase.

But it seems as though when this moderate homebody agreed to marry a man who grew up and thrives in chaotic travel plans, she signed her summers of moderate homebody-ing fun away.  Well, maybe not away completely.  More like to a limit of one or two weeks?  As this is our first summer together as a married couple, it will be a test of sorts.  Last year we also had crazy travel plans, and since we were engaged it was particularly difficult for me.  It should be easier this time, but we'll have to see.

Now, since you're probably a faithful reader (or stalker, whichever floats your boat) of this blog so far (or you were referred to this by someone else who follows), keeping up with the sparse updates of what's going on in my mind, I'll let you in on a little secret (for those of you who don't already know):  if you'd like to follow my more superficial, day-to-day life adventures with Nathan, you can check out my other blog.  You'll probably find updates of where our crazy summer plans will lead us.  Happy stalking!

Family shenanigans.

Ever since my time in college, spending time with my family sometimes made me feel out of place.  In college, time passed, and I changed immensely.  With my family, though, time passed and things either didn't change or changed very, very slowly - including the way my family viewed who I am.  More often than not, I've had a difficult time trying to reconcile who I was and who I was becoming.  It often felt like when I left for college I had begun to grow out of my shell, but every time I came back home I had to squish myself back into the old shell I had outgrown...and no one would seem to notice or treat me otherwise.  It's not meant to be an entirely negative thing - it's not like I felt neglected or unloved, or anything.  Just a little out of place, awkward, or not really knowing how to navigate the space anymore.

But having my family visit me and Nathan in Rochester this past weekend was extremely refreshing.  And I think a big reason for that is because it felt like I wasn't just introducing my family to my new home and new life, but I was introducing my family to my new shell.  This is who I am becoming.  Welcome to the space of new life I've been creating for a while now.  Here's a taste of what I value, what I enjoy, what decisions I've made and why.  What God's been doing in me.

And it was exciting because they seemed to like it all.  We enjoyed ourselves quite a bit!  We talked about life, we were silly, we ate good food and had a lot of fun.  I got to show them where I work, where I like to eat, where we live.  Maybe it was exciting because I somehow felt that if they liked Rochester, then it was them saying they liked and accepted the new me I was becoming.

Of course, there are still things we're learning about our new family dynamics of me no longer living in their house, being married, and having a whole different kind of life.  There definitely were some minor tensions from time to time.  But considering the relational turmoil we've undergone this past year, it's a beautiful new beginning that makes me rather happy.  I know it'll take time for things between us to continue new growth, but seeing the hope I was hanging on to actually come to life is enough to keep me content for a while.

Thoughts on life in Rochester.

So I may not know who I am anymore, have any close friends in the area, or know what gives me rest and life, but there is one thing I know during this season of life besides how I am enjoying married life:  I like living in Rochester.

I think a lot of that credit goes to the particular area of Rochester where I live.  The downtown city of Rochester may not be teeming with life as obvious as the hustle and bustle, flashy lights, and the Starbucks-on-every-corner of New York City, and it may seem a bit run down in some parts, but it's chock full of great things to do, places to explore, and food to eat.

As I was thinking about how to list out the reasons why I like living in Rochester, I started to realize that a lot of them overlap in some ways or are sub-categories in other ways.  But I think there's one over-arching, summarizing phrase (that I heard someone use once, but I now use all the time) to describe why I like Rochester:  it's a big city that acts like a small town.

So instead of reasons why I like living in Rochester, here are some of the reasons why I like about Rochester's "big city, small town" feel (in no particular order):

1. Downtown Rochester has many neighborhoods, and they each maintain their own unique identity without having to go very far.  The South Wedge has a hipster, creative, eco-friendly vibe going on.  The 19th Ward is extremely diverse, varies in socioeconomic backgrounds, and is a bit more run down.  The Neighborhood of the Arts (NOTA) has tons of galleries, coffee places, and artsy-fartsy decorations.  Those are only a few, and it only takes a few minutes to explore one neighborhood from the next.  
   
2. It's big enough to have all of your usual big-name restaurant/store chains, but it's also small enough to have "Rochester only" chains.  You've got your typical franchises like Target, Starbucks, and Applebee's.  You've even got your less common, famous places like Dinosaur BBQ and Texas Roadhouse.  Rochester's even big enough to have chains that I wasn't able to have easy access to growing up in New York City (e.g., Red Robin)!  But then you have these local small chains like Java's, Boulder Coffee, and Colie's Cafe, that are in maybe two or three different locations in the Rochester area.  You can't find them anywhere else!
   
3. On the surface, Rochester may seem boring to some, but when you look, there's way more to do than  typical small towns that only have bowling lanes and movie theaters.  There are plenty of meritorious theatres, museums, galleries, and events to participate in when you're in Rochester.  From concerts to races, parades to festivals, and even open mics and service opportunities, there's plenty happening around the city.  And with things like classes that you could take at one of the universities, Monroe Community College, YMCAs, art centers, or even at a local microbrewery or coffee roasters, there are plenty of communities to join and things to do.
   
4. There are enough famous historical figures and events that Rochester can be known for, but it's not so much that's it's a bit crazy.  We're where George Eastman developed the handheld camera and founded his Kodak company, and where Susan B. Anthony lived and persuaded the University of Rochester to admit women.  We're home of the original garbage plate, and where the first Wegmans store opened.  These are all well-known enough to put us on the map and not to be forgotten, but not overwhelming enough to take over the city.
   
5. Particularly because of where our apartment is located, it's really easy to walk or bike to most places.  And if we have to drive, it's maybe 20 mins tops.  I can walk down to the Genesee Center of the Arts for my photography class in less about fifteen minutes.  The Abundance Co-op Market is three or four blocks west.  The central public libraries are a mere ten minute walk.  The Public Market is a mile away.  Dollar movie theater?  Less than a 20 minute drive.  It takes two or three minutes to get to the awesome Museum of Play.  The public transportation system isn't all that convenient, but the roads are pretty pedestrian and bike friendly.  It's especially helpful that the roads aren't always so congested so that it's scary or dangerous to bike.

So that's all I've got so far.  It's been fun exploring the Rochester area.  And even if the "smallness" and traditions of Rochester may grow all too familiar, the beauty is that it's big enough that there are always new things to try.

And you know what's nice about all of this for me?  It's beginning to look and feel like home.

And yet, I am a little bit skeptical about how much I like it here.  Like what happens so often with new toys, new gadgets, and so on, it's easy to get caught up in the newness of it all before the shiny-ness starts to wear off.  Soon enough you may start finding what was once new has become obsolete and has lost its intrigue, mystery, and delight.

But I'm hoping I grow deeper in my understanding of the brokenness and joys of this city.  I hope I grow a deeper sense of commitment, love, and compassion for the people, networks, and systems within it.  I hope God will help me learn to adopt this city as my own the way He adopted me.   

Christmas cheer.

There were a few years when I was little, when my dad would use these pre-made paper links to celebrate Advent with me and my family.  Each night in December after dinner, we'd read the little blurb about an aspect of the Christmas story on one side of the paper strip and then would do the word puzzle together on the back side before my dad would lick the adhesive end to add to our paper chain that we hung on our real Christmas tree.  I absolutely loved that tradition of Advent celebration, but we only did it for a few years (I think the company where my dad ordered the paper strips from stopped making them) and Christmas just hasn't been the same for me since then.  We'd still light our Advent candles each day, adding a new one for each week, and my dad would go through some Advent booklet, but I longed for something more creative and exciting and fun.

Even though I do think the materialistic hubbub, shopping dash and overly-done crazy Christmas stuff can be a bit over-the-top and isn't the real meaning of Christmas, I still love the Christmas season and the things that come with it.  I love the decorating process, real Christmas trees, 24-7 Christmas music radio stations, and learning about people's quirky family traditions while enjoying my own.

This is the first year I won't be spending Christmas with my family.  This is also the first year where I felt like I had a chance to really be free in getting my creative juices flowing to start my own quirky family traditions, go all out with Christmas decorations, and celebrate the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in creative ways.  But November was quite a crazy month of emotional roller coasters, which made focusing on preparing for Christmas season the last thing on my mind.  And with so much traveling and planning for work these past few weeks, the most I've done this season is put up a Christmas wreath on our apartment door, set up a nice nativity scene on our windowsill, and sometimes listen to Christmas music on Pandora all day.  Nathan and I thought it would be silly to get a real Christmas tree since we wouldn't be home for most of the month.  Things went by too fast for me to think about sending any Christmas cards or gifts for friends, family and co-workers, and I haven't even baked anything.

Thinking and lamenting over how I haven't done anything for Christmas has got me thinking of some ideas for next year.  For example, we don't have many Christmas decorations (though we did get some as wedding gifts from some pretty brilliant friends!), but I was thinking maybe there would be some after-Christmas sales that Nathan and I could catch (hopefully there will still be sales after Urbana!).  Also, I got this other idea (initially as a joke) for if I know Nathan and I will be traveling a lot during December for work and visiting  family next year, maybe we can get one of those little Charlie-Brown-Christmas type Christmas trees to keep when we're home and to bring with us when we're traveling.  Portable Christmas tree?  That'd be a quirky tradition :)

Anyway, sorry about the lack of spreading Christmas cheer from the Bixlers.  Hopefully we'll be in a better place to do so next year!

I've forgotten how to make friends.

There are not many things I expected or clearly wanted in a "potential husband."  I didn't create this customized soul mate for myself in my head because I knew "the one" didn't exist.  However, one of the few things I whole-heartedly (and still do) believed was that it was possible and it was okay to want my husband to be my best friend.  And friendships don't just pop out of nowhere - they need to grow and mature if you nourish them and let them go through trials.  That's how I concluded that if I were to enter a dating relationship (which, from my perspective, is for the purpose of working towards marriage), it would stem out of a solid and somewhat deep friendship I had with a brother in Christ.

And that's exactly what happened.  But I think Nathan and I did a pretty good job making it clear while we were dating that we weren't going to be each other's entire world.  We knew our significant other wasn't going to fill our emptiness, meet our every need, or make us never feel lonely again.  Other people are very important to me.  Friends and those in need were my top priority for most of my life, and a boy wasn't going to come in and mess that up. I've always needed and wanted different circles of friends, and because of this, I knew that that aspect of moving to Rochester was going to be difficult and that being married wouldn't be enough.

I don't have any friends here.  I'd like to make some.  The only problem is, I've practically forgotten how to make friends.  During my college years I was more often than not surrounded by people I knew, and even if there were new friends to be made, I made them together with my home base of friends there with me.  Nowadays I get shy or just don't open up as easily or quickly because it feels so new.  And I don't have a solid base of friends to retreat to when new relationships don't quite hit it off the way I'd hoped.

This old feeling has returned where I feel like I'm barely hanging on to my relationships from back home.  Ever since my college years I've always found it very difficult for me to develop my relationships with those who weren't within my immediately community.  It becomes a nasty tug-of-war within myself because it takes a lot of work to develop my immediate community around me, and it takes a lot of work to develop the community I grew up with, and finding a balance is like walking through some thick, pitch-dark woods without a flashlight or anything else to survive the night with.

I want my friends and family back home to know how important they are to me and how much I want to be there for them, but I know that I can't be there for them the same way I could if I was living near them.  Maybe it's been like this for a while or it's a long time coming, but the reality that I'm not going to be the first person anyone would call for help or advice has been sinking in.  No one's going to expect me to comfort them through this difficult time they're going through and ask me to pray for them right now.  I'm not going to be asked for my opinion about which color to paint their room or if they could borrow one of my dresses.  No one's going to say, "I'm so glad you picked up your phone because I really needed to talk to you."  I'm not going to be at the forefront of people's minds because the reality is that people are busy, I'm not in a dire situation (like a soldier or missionary serving overseas), and I'm not by myself.  I'm married now.

Well, I got what I asked for: my husband is my best friend.  It just never sunk in as to how, after gaining this best friend of a husband, moving to Rochester would be at the cost of so many other relationships.  The rubber has begun to meet the road where I'm working through the losses of stepping out of a community that has loved me, encouraged me, and supported me for many, many years. 

I've been thinking and blogging a lot lately about the concept of living a good story.  And as I wrestle within the tensions of moving to the fringe of one community and what it means to move deeper into another, it forces me to think about the God I serve - the God who calls us to develop and steward community as we go to the places God leads us.  The move to Rochester is a threshold I'm forced to make a decision about:  I can either constantly look back over my shoulder at what could've or should've been, or I can look forward to the opportunities I have before me to live a better story.  So I'm choosing to embrace the new stories and relationships God invites me to participate in and I'm looking forward to sharing these stories with those in both the community of my past and the community of my future.

Must. Stay. Cool. (Physically and emotionally)

One of the many things you may not know about me is that I do not function well in heat and humidity.  It's not a pretty sight.  I don't mind sweating after some physical activity, but I don't like sweating from simply sitting down in my seat.  You'd think since I'm already sweaty, I wouldn't mind moving around because it doesn't make a huge difference.  But no, it deters me from doing anything other than sitting still.  And it makes me sluggish and tired, which makes me feel lazy and less able to concentrate on whatever work I need to get done.  Then at the end of the day I'm sweaty and tired from being unproductive, which then makes me frustrated.

NYC's humidity levels are the almost the only thing I don't like about summertime.  It creates an environment that allows lazy inclinations and stubborn frustrations to flourish and thrive.  It's terrible for having hard conversations, conducive to anger when things are clearly out of your control, and seems to make missing your fiance about ten times harder to deal with.

As I was writing this, here's an excerpt that came to mind:

"The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers.  And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.  And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live on bread alone, but man lives on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.  Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years.  Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you.  So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him.  For the Lord your God is bringing you  into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper.  And you shall eat and be full and you shall bless the Lord your God with the good land he has given you."
---Deuteronomy 8:1-10

Homebody vs. wanderlust.

Sometimes it's difficult for me to admit that I like staying/coming home.  Maybe it's because a lot of people talk about their big dreams and deep desires to travel to different countries and see the great wonders that the world has to offer in such a way that it would seem ludicrous to want anything less.

Don't get me wrong - if I had all the temporal and financial resources or won some chance to go overseas or cross national borders, I wouldn't easily pass up a chance to travel.

But no matter how much I want to deny it, I am definitely a big, fat, homebody at heart.  I'm actually really okay with not seeing the edges of the world or daring to take an adventure across a foreign land - not because I'm afraid to or want to stay within my comfort zone, but because I see how there can be so much to discover and learn right in my very neighborhood.  Even though it has its share of complicated issues and increasing tensions, I am like a tree that commits to digging its roots deep into the soil to discover new sources of water and nutrients once it is planted.  

I've talked about this concept of home and being on-the-move in following where God leads before, and it's still something I'm wrestling with and will be wrestling with for a while (who knows how long?).  At this point, it feels as though NYC will always been important and special to me, but it's a shell I seem to have outgrown for now.  And Binghamton is a nice place to return to, but knowing that it won't be where I'll be living in a few months from now has caused my roots to hesitate to dig deep.

Traveling like a madwoman this past week (and then some) wasn't too bad.  I had a lovely time in the mid-west, enjoyed the weather and my hotel bed and visiting my baby cousin in Cali - but when you're an introvert like me and have spent the last 10 straight days interacting with people after people, going from one place to another and another and another, there's only so much someone like me can take.

Sigh..I miss holding babies.  Thankfully, I got to play with two this week :]

Or maybe I really just miss having access to my giant bottle of Curel lotion when I travel.  Gotta have my moisturizer and if you want to travel light and not check in any luggage, it won't allow for anything bigger than a 3oz. bottle of lotion - which is simply insufficient for this lovely dry skin of mine!

In any case, there is so much to unpack from my adventures - from my mind, that is.  Now that the physical unpacking has completed, the  mental and emotional unpacking has only just begun.

Relentless Act:s - Preparing for Lent

I was challenged to prepare for Lent by answering the question, "What are you willing to sacrifice?"

And so for my sabbath today I decided to prepare for Lent by learning a little bit more about it and humbly examine myself for the temptations and sins I struggle with that would be difficult to give up.

As a way of visually reminding myself to prepare for Lent, I decided to decorate the door to my room.  The theme verse for the Relentless Act:s Lent preparation is Romans 12:1-2, so I decided to put verse 1 (because putting both verse 1 and verse 2 would be a little too difficult) on my door in a crafty visual way of symbolizing that my door of my heart needs to remain open during this Lenten process.

Then I uploaded some pictures to create a "resource" on World Vision's Relentless Act:s website and it was so cool to see it on the homepage of resources.  I knew it wouldn't last forever because I'm sure it's only there until the next person uploads another resource, so I print-screened it to show it to you here:

My resource is in the bottom left corner under "Resources"!

The annoying thing about the website is that it doesn't show my whole picture, even when you click on it - so people viewing it will only see part of it.  So odd.  Maybe when people download the resource it provides the whole picture.  But you guys get to see it here:

I'm still working on my answer to, "What are you willing to sacrifice?" because I'm trying to dig deeper on what it really means for me to sacrifice and I'm trying to figure out what area of my life God wants me to focus on changing.  I'm also trying to learn more about different social justice issues and see how I may need to adjust my lifestyle. 

I know examining ourselves and repenting of our sins is supposed to be hard, but I'm really excited about this because I've been praying and trying to figure out how to repent and what behaviors or attitudes I need to change, and I really like the way World Vision is approaching it.  It's something that I get to do with people all over the country and the world, reminding me that I'm not doing this by myself.  It's also cool to see how people are responding to God, and to share ideas of creative ways to approach Lent.  

It's also really inspiring and motivating me to tap into my imagination, and that definitely feels like an old friend I haven't seen in years. 

Relentless.

I've decided that a way that could help me take sabbath is by coming up with creative ways to take them and then post them here on my blog to share about my experiences here with you.

During my post-breakdown/forced recovery on Tuesday (when I tried to go to sleep early but couldn't sleep - I hate when that happens), I was talking with Sarah and she gave me the idea of spending my sabbath rearranging my room.

I loved the idea - so I ran with it.  Here's what my room looked like before:

The process was definitely restful.  I knew it would be good because it was a project I could start and finish and enjoy the fruits of my labor.  I watched a couple of episodes of Friends (I've never really watched too many episodes before - more on that in a different post), listened to some music, and ruminated over some TED talks (this one is particularly good!).

And here's what my room looks like now:

Photos don't really do it justice, so I hope you can tell the difference.  If not, that means if you're one of my friends, you should come visit so you can see for yourself!  If you're an acquaintance and we don't really talk, you should stop vicariously getting to know me via cyberspace and actually say hi because I would love to get to know you better.  And if you're a complete stranger, you should just get over it because you shouldn't be stalking me.

It's interesting timing because I'm going to participate in World Vision's Relentless Act:s, and the first week is  the challenge of recreating our physical environments - I didn't realize.  But maybe this act of sabbath is a good way to prep for Lent.  I was thinking of using that week to decorate my room during that week of Lent so that I'll be aware of important issues.  I'm excited to see how I will encounter God in this way and what He'll say to me.  You should do it with me so we can talk about it!

Anyway, praise God for an awesome sabbath.  Now I have a new space to diligently do my work and actively rest to renew my strength and remember who I am in Christ.

Sedimentary thoughts.

I surprised myself today.  Packing my bags and living out of suitcases for three straight weeks is not usually my ideal kind of lifestyle.  The first few days aren't so bad, but after a while I normally get tired of bustling from one place to another and am mentally ready to come home.  

Strangely enough, I didn't feel like a nomad at all.  Even with the hours of traveling by bus, by plane, by car and by foot, I didn't feel aloof or disconnected.  I was neither dreading nor longing to be back in Binghamton or NYC or anywhere else for that matter, and was as present and flexible as I wanted and needed to be.

It was also weird to find that although my external life was constantly "shaken up" (surrounded by different groups people with things happening all the time), I didn't feel agitated or bottled up from not having alone time to reflect or process information and feelings I had been accumulating.

So I caught myself off-guard when my friends dropped me off at my empty apartment today and I suddenly didn't want to be there all by myself.  The silence felt like someone had slammed on the breaks while I had been peacefully sleeping in the passenger seat of a car.  My "fight or flight" mental and emotional alarms were screaming, "Flight! Flight! Flight!" for some reason, and instead of soaking in the quiet I started oozing feelings of loneliness and sadness.

It was extremely tempting to turn on some music, go on Facebook, give Carrie a call, or watch a tv show to distract myself from the fact that I was now all by myself and did not want to sit in stillness around me.  But my "fight" alarms started kicking in and resisted the temptations to give in.  It looks like my brain decided that if I was going to get past this I needed to face the fears and insecurities head-on and linger in the tension between what I know and what I feel.

And it has helped.  Reflecting and thinking about my actions and feelings from these past few weeks is helping me do a lot of things:  recognize areas I need to ask God for forgiveness; identify the ways God has been gracious and merciful to me - which provokes my heart to be filled with gratitude; give praise to the Lord who is with me and shows me how much I am loved; and shed light on new hope for the future.  Processing is making it easier for me to lift these confessions and delights up in prayer.

So as the residue continues to settle, I am confident that my Lord hears me, sees me, and reminds me to focus on the truth of His presence over the lies of my loneliness.

Ceiling musings.

This past Sunday was a lovely morning - I appreciated and enjoyed the perspective Pastor Kyle took on Joseph's story in his sermon, and over lunch had the privilege of hearing the story of what God has been doing in Mun Joo's life.  She was someone new Sarah Min had met on the church bus that morning, and it was really nice talking with her.

I decided to have a very restful afternoon when I got home to our apartment.  It was quiet after Katy came back from church and went to sleep.  For the past week I was playing Christmas music almost nonstop, but for that afternoon I thought it would be nice to do some low-key things I really enjoy doing, such as reading or playing guitar.

I pulled out the fair-trade quilt I had asked my aunt for last Christmas and brought my laptop with my current reading, Banker to the Poor:  Micro-lending and the battle against world poverty by Muhammad Yunus, to our really comfortable sofa in the living room.

After feeling very productive and relaxed for reading a few chapters, I got very sleepy and did something I haven't done in a long time:  I decided to take a short nap.

Soon after I set my alarm and had fallen asleep on the couch, I woke up to some kind of scratching noise.  I opened my eyes and started sitting up to figure out where the noise was coming from because it sounded so close by.  I looked straight across the room at the front door because it sounded like someone was just outside the door, taping or posting some kind of paper on it.

I was curious as to who it was or what they were doing to our door, but the longer I listened, the less convinced I was that someone was there.  At that moment, I looked up and noticed that a huge chunk of the ceiling paint had started hanging down, with a rip that was slowly moving across the width of the ceiling.

I'm not sure if it was because I had just woken up from a nap or not, but I just stared at the rip, somehow trying to reassure my brain that that's exactly what was happening.  I think I was a little caught off guard but also didn't really know what to do.

It felt like I must've been in some kind of tv show or movie where the viewers are watching, yelling at the screen, "Why are you just sitting there?!  Get out of the way!  Do something!"  But I wasn't listening because I was in some kind of daze, somewhere in between the fact that I knew what was happening but couldn't really do anything to stop it so all I could do was watch.

Suddenly the rip finished tearing across the ceiling and a good chunk of the paint crumbled to the ground below, taking down a couple of plants with it and leaving a mess behind.

It was weird.  Here I was, staring at the ceiling for what felt like forever, fully aware that the paint was ripping and yet I was still shocked when it all came down.  You could hear my shock amidst the silence.  What a weird response.

It was a loud crash.  I half expected Katy to pop open her door and come see what all the commotion was about, but she didn't.  I sat there for a good few minutes, thinking about what I should do before I got up, examined the mess, and then went to wake Katy up to tell her what happened.

After Katy gave me our landlord's number and I left a message for our landlord, I carefully cleaned up the mess.

Later on that night after Sarah came home she opted not to watch a movie in the living room because there was still more that looked like it was ready to come down, and last night when Lauren Kirst and I decided to watch a movie there, Sarah suggested we open a couple of umbrellas and hold them over our heads while we watched, just in case something else fell down.  Her suggestion reminded me of a scene from Gilmore Girls and made me smile :]

Tonight is another tranquil evening.  I ventured back into the living room with my fair-trade quilt, Muhammad Yunus, and a hot cup of creamy, cinnamon and peppermint hot chocolate.  I lit some candles but opted to leave the Christmas music off - to fight the common fear of silence, conquer the fragility of stillness, and bask in the joy of God's presence and the soothing process of unpacking some of my thoughts.  I'm sitting in the same corner of the couch I sat in just a day ago, staring instead at a partial ceiling exposed to its bare plaster-y flesh in this cold, cold apartment.

The more I stare at the ceiling in this silence, the more it looks like a metaphor of life.

So far, there is one thought and feeling I've accumulated from this gentle evening: realizing how much you miss someone is common but recognizing that it stems from a desire to enjoy their company with you and not from a desire to avoid being lonely - well, it just warms my heart.

Unless that's just the hot chocolate speaking.

Simplicity.

It started with a simple question addressed to me:  How have things changed for you since graduating college?

The next thing I know, I'm suddenly pouring my heart out to a friend during this innocent gchat conversation about how I feel like New York City gives off a lot of misguiding perceptions and tries to live up to them.

It's like living in NYC has glazed over my eyes

and since going to college at Bing,

my eyes have been opened and my heart has been broken in ways that they haven't been before.

I told him about my senior year itch to leave New York City and go on a road trip for a period of time - enough time where I could travel around to different states, take on some odd jobs here and there, and really experience a completely different kind of life.  

I want to meet people and listen to their stories

and work alongside of them.

Adventurous, yes, but it sounds difficult and risky and completely silly to anyone living in NYC.  Why would you want go completely out of your way to find a job busing tables in some hole-in-the-wall when you've got your hole-in-the-wall joints and the rest of the world at your fingertips right here in the Big Apple?  We've got the concrete jungles where dreams are made of, don't we?  Everyone in the world wants to come to New York while you want to get out - doesn't that picture look funny to you at all?

Ah, but you see, I believe that people outside of NYC have a different kind of outlook of the world and live a different kind of lifestyle.  

I understand that NYC is a whole different world

where it's actually frightening

because people come to this place where everything seems grand and wonderful and spectacular and exciting

when really it's a cover for so much pain and suffering

and I understand that we all do that

we all put our guards up

but there's something about NYC

that it emits a hardness that feels like it doesn't happen quite the same way anywhere else

It actually seems more dangerous to be numb or ignorant or isolated from facing the hurt, the pain, the suffering of ourselves and our neighbors.  In fact, it probably plays a part in this vicious cycle where this ignorance incites more pain, which produces more numbness which bolsters more suffering, around and around again.  

It seems as though NYC needs Jesus all the more.

I feel like because I've grown up here

there's something I'm missing

or something that keeps me guarded

and there's something I need to experience outside of NYC

to break free from that

or that I don't really belong here

Thinking about NYC like this makes me wonder why God has led me to minister to college students outside of New York City.  My heart breaks for NYC in ways it hasn't ever before, but it doesn't break in such a way that I am driven to stay here and minister at this time.  Which doesn't make sense to me, but I'm praying and trusting that God would continue to reveal Himself to me.  At this time though, it seems paradoxically unproductive if I stayed here because it may perpetuate in me and those around me the very things I want to fight.  

I'm not quite sure where God's leading me with that

but I feel like it's been in the making for a while.

This isn't a new sense, a new feeling, a new call or completely new thoughts.  It's as if this piece of my heart  has been tucked away in an attic for my entire life.  Going to college was some major life spring cleaning, wiping away layers of dust that have accumulated over the years.  But it's not quite clear yet.  It's going to take a little elbow grease and a little time before it starts to shine with some clarity.

Even though I've grown up in NYC

I've felt like I've never fit in quite right.

There's a certain simplicity at the core of my being

that's been there since I was little

and it just seems so different from the extravagant life NYC and NYC dwellers try to portray.

It would explain from my molting blog post (sounds intriguing, no?) why I felt a sense of freedom to be more of myself when I was away from New York City and why I haven't quite felt "at home" anywhere for a while.

It would explain why I seem to be on the move in life - both physically and mentally - but who am I to try and figure these things out?

You know, when I think about all of this, I think, "What are you, crazy?  You've been living in NYC your whole life; think of all connections you have - with some hard work and some simple conversations, you have the world at your fingertips and can discover the most unbelievable opportunities with a blink of an eye.

Everything you know is here, and there's always something new to discover!  Pretty much all of your closest friends and family are here, your community is here, your network is here...How could you even consider giving any of that up for something less?"

I just don't think I need everything that NYC has to offer.  It all leads me to greater dissatisfaction and doesn't leave me deeply satisfied.  And being in this kind of environment leaves me susceptible to the trap of believing that it can.

And with my circle of friends and family and community - I love them, of course.  No doubt.  They're my comfort and everything familiar.  But sometimes  there are things you need to do that requires you to leave your comfort zone for the sake of following Christ.  I'm not trying to run away from problems or escape something dark and evil.  It's just something personal.  Sometimes we're called to live a life in a place and with people different than the ones we grew up with.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there's essentially not that much of a difference from the lessons of NYC and the lessons from other places.  Maybe I'm not missing anything at all and I'm just looking for an adventure, a thrill.

I guess there's only one way to find out.  
   

Molting - what a gross word for a profound stage of life.

Spending the week in Binghamton was like a breath of fresh air.  Surprisingly, it wasn't the kind of breath of fresh air that comes from adjusting to a new environment or getting into a new rhythm of life or the invigoration of meeting new people or spending time with old friends.  Maybe it was a little part of it - there's always a sense of excitement or thrill with new beginnings and the potential for great things to happen - but the more I think about it, the less it seems to fit the description of how I feel.

My first instinct is to say that it's like I'm a different person when I'm on Binghamton's campus.  To say I feel like a different person on campus makes me think of when I first began to encounter the friction between my life as a college student on campus and my life as a college student back home in NYC.  You can read the frustrations in some of my old blog posts as I tried to untangle the complexities of oscillating between an environment where change is often stimulated and an environment where change is more often stifled or takes much longer to permeate.  

I've come a long way since then, and it's a continual process even at this point as I've graduated from college.  But honestly, I can't say I'm the same girl I was when I first graduated high school and headed to Binghamton.  My world has changed in ways I can't even verbalize accurately here or in person.  God has changed the way I see the world, the way I see His people, and the way I see the purpose and direction of my life.    

Even though I've lived my whole life in Queens and the NYC area, I've never really considered myself a city girl.  Yes, I'm enjoy the familiarity of the areas I've been to, the comfort of my connected community, and the thrill that there is always something new to explore or experience, but when it comes to the core of my being, I feel like I don't really belong here.   

So while I was away this past week I realized that it's not that I feel like I'm a different and better person - I actually just feel like I have the freedom to be who I've become, to explore what it's like to embrace this transformed life that God is shaping out of this malleable piece of clay.    

Now when I thought this to myself, it also crossed my mind that this sense of freedom to be myself may come off as an indication that I feel like I've been suffocating for the past 21 years in the environment I grew up in - giving a negative connotation and implying that I was ungrateful for all that my community has done for me or that they've unnecessarily constricted or sheltered me.  But none of that is true.  I think it's just time to find a new shell because I'm outgrowing this old one.

I'm kind of like a greeting card sent through the mail.  The envelope is like my NYC life - incredibly important in getting its contents safely from one place to another, giving a sense of proper direction and protection along the way in life.  Envelopes can have their own sense of unique identity - they may get a bit run-down from the bumps of life; they can come in all colors, shapes and sizes; they can be unique and eye-popping or they can be plain and boring.  

But when someone receives that kind of mail, it's not the envelope that the recipient is looking for or finding value in - ultimately, it's the greeting card inside of it.  The greeting card isn't meant to stay in the envelope, no matter how snug the fit is.  That's what it felt like when I was starting to settle in at my new apartment, walking around my alma mater campus, breathing in the familiar and not-so-familiar air of adulthood.  I was always meant to come out of the envelope.

Okay, so it's a lame-o metaphor, but come on, it gives another dimension to the phrase, "Push the envelope," doesn't it?

all i ate was a slice of pizza. i wasn't hungry the rest of the day. must've been one heck of a slice.

today i stayed home. i'm glad i did. in case people didn't know, i'm mostly an introverted kind of person, and though i don't like staying home because of our family issues, i like to be by myself. i like doing my own thing sometimes. it's a little frustrating sometimes because people don't get that sometimes. like, i tell people i'm staying home and they're all like, "why don't you come hang out with us" or "why aren't you going to [fill in location here] with us?" and so on. and sometimes it's just cuz i need to recharge and i like to recharge by myself. i don't like being around so many people all the time sometimes, most of the time for the other people's sake. if i'm out and about too much it drains me out and then i'll stick things out if i have to, but if i'm tired and hot i usually get really grumpy and snappy and can be mean to people when i don't mean to be. and i don't want to do that to others.

i got frustrated again tonight, when raymond called [you guys, i'm so not good at talking on the phone just to chat]. we were talking about stuff and it got around somehow to the whole thing about people here at home getting mad at me for not keeping in touch with them and stuff and not wanting to come home and etc. and i got frustrated even though things are better and good with everyone now because i feel like i want them to know and understand why i don't like coming home and why it's hard for me to talk on the phone, especially for long periods of time.

but i feel like even if i explain, they'll never really get it. and that stinks, because i want them to understand. it's just like JROTC. no one really understands why i was in it, why it was an important part of my life, or what i actually did unless you were IN the jrotc at my school. my friends and family won't ever really understand what happens at bing, what i do at bing, or why it's so important to me unless they're actually there.

but i guess i should always try to explain anyway. i can't just assume they won't get it. and it's good to just share with them about my life there.

okay okay. so i shouldn't be frustrated. i get it. but i still can't help but be frustrated at myself for not liking to talk on the phone. and for messing up for not trying to reach out to my friends at home.

anyway, on a different note, i've been working on my novel. at long last.
and i've been reading a biography on audrey hepburn. it's an interesting read. it makes me admire her more and more.
it also makes me wish i could set up a projector in my backyard and show two or three audrey hepburn movies every night during the week of my birthday. that would be AWESOME. maybe i will do that.

btw, i'm going to finally use my gmail from now on. outlook is just getting too annoying with like a bajillion responses to emails piling up in my inbox. i don't get a chance to reply because new emails fill up my inbox so quickly. plus, i keep forgetting to change it from my hotmail account to my gmail account when i reply. so annoying. sticking to gmail.

i saw indiana jones in the theaters with my family today. let's just say i wouldn't want to see it again.

and when we left the theater, it was pouring rain - almost hurricane-like! it was wonderful. i think it means more to me than just the heat wave breaking :]

the thing about humidity? it makes the air feel heavy...as well as everything else.

i can bake cookies, but i cannot bake cupcakes to save my life. that is the only thing that was made clear to me today.

as for everything else, it just became very foggy and heavy - just like today's humidity. i am just so frustrated about so many things and it's all so confusing because there's no black and white answers and i don't know what to do.

i feel like everywhere i turn, i'm failing in some sort of fashion. if i'm not failing others, then i'm failing myself. if i'm not failing myself, then i'm failing others. it's a lose-lose situation everywhere.

i can't stand this. why can't i ever find a balance? i feel like i always have to choose between worlds: bing and home, bing and home. i can't seem to hold both. i can't mesh them together. i can't.

i've neglected my friends at home. i really have. and i feel horrible for it. i want them to know how important they are to me. but they see me as being too busy and too in love with my bing life that i don't have time for them until i come home. and then they get mad when i say i don't want to come home. and i get that. i'd probably be hurt too if someone said they didn't want to come home to me either.

but it's hard coming home. it really is. but i feel like i have nothing to complain about because my parents aren't divorced, i'm not worried about food not being on the table, i don't have to worry about getting a job to pay bills, i don't have to worry about paying for college or worry about not fitting in at school. i have an extremely blessed life.

so why should i complain? why should i complain about this wonderful life that i have, with parents that trust me with my life enough not to care about my grades or my day or my problems or my interests or spiritual life but care enough to think i'm too young to go on a road trip with my friends? why should i complain about having my oldest sister, who's turning 22, still act like she's 14 and brings up the same problems every single day at dinner and brings the same arguments and burdens to my parents? why should i complain while i watch my dad work his butt off while my mom doesn't give him the support he needs?

so i'm mad at myself. for everything. i'm mad at myself for failing my friends at home. i'm mad at myself for not doing more for them, not reaching out to them more. i'd always told myself i didn't want to be that person. i was selfish for wanting to be taken care of by my friends at school. i was selfish for wanting to be fed spiritually and not having to worry about stuff at home or drama at home or my other friends' problems at home. i'm mad at myself for that. i'm mad at myself for not being able to do enough to make up for it. i'm mad at myself for being mad at myself. i'm even mad at myself for writing about this on my blog. this is stupid. i need to talk to somebody.

i feel like i'm constantly making a mess and constantly trying to clean up my mess. like i keep spilling milk, clean it up, refill my glass, just to spill it again. again and again and again and again.

you should lock me up in a cellar. no one deserves to be my friend.

sigh. i want Jesus to come back right now.

no one seems to understand me except Him. and pam.

a great start for spring break :D

these past few days have been pretty awesome.
i stayed over at josh's place with a bunch of people and we had fun playing balderdash all the way up until 3:30 am, with me falling asleep later than that because steve's feet spaz occassionally, and he snores sometimes, and eddie's hamster is nocturnal apparently and likes to run around in her cage at the wee hours of the morning.

then of course we all depart, and i stay awake with josh for the whole ride again (it's just what i do now), and it was interesting having steve join our little party. we dropped him off @ his mom's place in white plains, and then crossed back over the river to drop off michelle (whom i did NOT want to depart from) and then had perfect timing reaching josh's house just as my dad pulled in to pick us up.
auntie yan (josh's mom) is the bestest godmother anyone could have. as soon as she saw me she said, "i didn't even know you were coming, but you must've smelled it," and of course i have NO idea what she's talking about, until she brings me to the kitchen, pulls out a shop rite fresh bake shop bag and puts two pistachio muffins in there and hands it to me. she always gets them for me because she knows i love them :P oh man she rocks.

it was so nice to come home.

and today, our family had to go to a couple of cemeteries for ching-ming, which made me zombie-like on the car rides, but it wasn't too bad. we ate dim sum with grandma in elmhurst @ east buffet which was really yummy because i really really missed eating siu-mai! sighhh. so good.

then dad dropped pam and me off in flushing where we saw brendon crossing the street. pam called him and pretended we got snowed in and just got home this morning. that was pretty funny. we went to get our hair cut, but it was pretty full so we had to wait a bit. but it wasn't too bad.

i was REALLY excited to get my hair cut. like really really. i love my hair, but the front was really bothering me. it just wasn't what i wanted. so pretty much i look the same, except my bangs are a little shorter. my hair wasn't even layered as much as i'd like, but i was really really happy with my hair. so basically i got a trim. i thought it was going to be a more drastic change, but this is good. i didn't really want a drastic change, especially a bad one.

oh, okay, so i was a little worried because you know the day you get your hair cut it's NEVER the same after you get home and wash it and whatever, but i really enjoyed it while it lasted. i didn't HAVE to wash it because technically it was washed, BUT i did something so out of character today that forced me to...

i went running.

i KNOW. big shocker, right? me, the person who absolutely despises running, did it today. and not just for five minutes. i KNOW. jeez. but wait, let's back up.

after pam & i got our hair cuts, libby met us in flushing, and so did dan, and the four of us went to sago to get some drinks and a snack to hang out. it was really fun, i'm glad we did it. then we were talking about my short stories and this aloe vera drink that dan said was really good, so we decided to spontaneously buy a bottle of aloe vera, bring it back to our house, and have a short story reading. i only got to read one of my stories because dan had to get home for dinner, but it was still fun.

okay, now after dan took libby home, pam said she was going to go running for ten or fifteen minutes, then we could watch an episode of wildfire if we had time before dinner. now of course, pam does this often and it's obvious that i loathe running so much, so why would she ask me if i wanted to go too? so as i was settling onto the couch with my laptop until i started thinking about what i was going to do now. umm...nothing. and then i was like, man alive i haven't exercised in so long. and that football game on thursday really made me sore - thus reminding me that i was extremely out of shape. so i was sitting there, and then suddenly i got up and told pam i wanted to go with her.
of course, she was in utter shock but welcomed me to join her. and of course, i don't have running shoes, so i had to wear my suede champion ones, but whatever. we had a good run. we talked as we ran, which kept my mind off of the actual running, and then when we stopped running, we realized we had run for 30 minutes! CRAZY. i've never run for that long in my entire life.

but it was a good run. pam and i had a good talk. we talked through everything that was going on in our lives and between us, and i think things are smoothed over for real now. it was nice :]
i think i might actually not mind running now -- but only with pam :P

and thus, because i went running, i had to take a shower and mess up my poor lovely hair. it was the moment of truth. i knew it had to come sooner or later. so i did, and when i air-dried it (as i normally do - i try to avoid blow-drying as much as possible because it really damages hair), my bangs came out all puffy and fluffy, and my hair was frizzy and a little wavy and totally disappointing...

but, now comes to the reason why i'm blogging at this moment in the first place: i plugged in my straightener and am waiting for it to heat up to try and save my beloved hair.

so as i wait, i'll talk about a few random things:

i totally should've brought my black flats home from school. i left them there and took my beige slip-ons instead because i thought i wouldn't need them and i didn't feel like squishing stuff into my bag, so i left them at school. boy do i regret that. i realize that tomorrow is easter and i totally would love to wear a skirt, but now i don't have shoes to wear :[ my beige shoes aren't dressy enough, so it would look funny. AND, in addition to that, i can't find my open-toe strappy shoes to wear instead, so i don't know what i'm going to do! i know it sounds silly, but i really like to dress up, especially for easter, for God, even though the rest of my church doesn't really follow suit sometimes. i don't mind being different. i don't do it for other people. but if i don't have shoes, then it's not going to work.
sigh. i'll try looking for my strappy shoes again and if i don't, i'll have to make my beige shoes work somehow -_-

well, the straightener is ready. here goes nothing!

oh, and i realize i totally should've taken a picture with pam before we got our hair cut and before we showered because we both trimmed a little more hair ourselves, so it would show a "before-and-after" kind of thing, but it's too late for that now. oh well.

man i feel like my hair is cooperating. i haven't looked in a mirror yet, so i'm gonna go do that now.

sorry for the pointlessly long blog. i was just rambling to share my random, boring thoughts.

all in all, it's been a GREAT beginning of spring break, and i'm really looking forward to the rest of it :D