My pros and cons of the Fall/Winter season

MY PROS:  

1.  I'm a sucker for pumpkin everything.  To me, pumpkin to the fall season is like Christmas carols are to the winter season.  Some people are serious pumpkin grinches, but I haven't gotten tired of pumpkin things yet, and I think it's fun to try making my own pumpkin things.  So far I've made pumpkin scones, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pancakes, and pumpkin oatmeal.  I'm hoping to try making my own pumpkin spice latte (I actually dislike the Starbucks version) and there may be pumpkin bread in my future.

Pumpkin scones and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!

2.  Stunningly gorgeous fall foliage.  Upstate NY is the BEST during the autumn season!  We may not have skyscrapers everywhere, but we've got enough colorful trees to make you smile.  Skyscrapers don't make me smile.  The bright mixes and shades of orange, red, and yellow leaves definitely make me smile.

3.  Flannel sheets and down comforters.  I discovered flannel sheets in college, I believe.  I think I got myself a set of penguin twin-sized flannel sheets.  Definitely did not grow up with them.  They're so warm and fuzzy - perfect for cold evenings.

4.  Having a wonderful husband to snuggle with.  Yeah, I'm a closet snuggler.  I don't think people's first impressions of me would include the assumption that I'm a snuggler.  Pam didn't really like it whenever I'd try snuggling with her growing up (she's not much of a touchy person), so I'm glad I'm spending the rest of my life with someone who likes to snuggle with me.

5.  Festive holidays.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I love reasons to get together with family and eat good food, and I love celebrating the seasons with little things like putting up decorations, listening to Christmas music, and even changing my desktop backgrounds to match.  I like the traditions and trying to develop new traditions, and dreaming up new and creative ways to prepare and participate.  It's fun and often helps me be reflective for me, too.

6.  Apple picking & farms.  Not only am I a sucker for pumpkin-y things, but I'm a sucker for apple picking and other farm-type activities and goodies.  Corn mazes, cider doughnuts, hot (or cold!) apple cider, the whole shebang.  I'd even go for the cheesy hay ride.  Almost went this year on one.  Would've gone if I had the time.  

MY CONS:

1.  Dry skin.  Especially dry, cracked skin that never moisturizes no matter how much you put lotion on.  It is painful, my friends, painful.     

2.  Cold, cold apartment.  Nathan describes our apartment like a thermos - it keeps the heat hotter in the summer, and keeps the cold air colder inside than outside.

3.  My desire to participate in outdoor activities decreases.  It's already hard trying to get me to exercise...try convincing me to run the cold.  I really like participating in (or rather, the possibility of participating in) warm outdoor activities like picnicking, rock scrambling, walking, biking, etc.  Though, I really love ice skating.

4.  When it slushes instead of snows.  It's dirty and gross and wet and not very pretty.

5.  The dangers and frustrations of too much snow.  Black ice?  Been there.  Digging out and pushing a car through the snow?  Done that.  Scary and time-consuming.  Not fun.

6.  Harder to wear pretty clothes.  I love skirts and dresses and pretty blouses and wish I had more of all of them and could wear them all the time.  Bundling up in pretty clothes is just not as easy for me to do in this season.  Maybe I need to just be creative?

Same number of pros and cons this time around, but can you tell which ones hold more weight in my opinion?  :)

Heart of Hospitality.

I was in the middle of writing a different blog post for a few days now, but I came back to NYC and have been doing work in the room I share with my sister.  I saw the copy of Henri J. M. Nouwen's Reaching Out:  The Three Movements of Spiritual Life that I lent to her and when I cracked it open I was convicted again by the heart of what it means to practice hospitality.  I had to share it here with all of you, my random readers:

"When we have seen and acknowledged our own hostilities and fears without hesitation, it is more likely that we also will be able to sense from within the other pole toward which we want to lead not only ourselves but our neighbors as well.

...When we have become sensitive to the painful contours of our hostility we can start identifying the lines of its opposite toward which we are called to move:  hospitality.

...Hospitality, therefore, means primarily the creation of a free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place.  It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines.  It is not to lead our neighbor into a corner where there are no alternatives left, but to open a wide spectrum of options for choice and commitment.  It is not an educated intimidation with good books, good stories and good works, but the liberation of fearful hearts so that words can find roots and bear ample fruit.  It is not a method of making our God and our way into the criteria of happiness, but the opening of an opportunity to others to find their God and their way.  The paradox of hospitality is that it wants to create emptiness, not a fearful emptiness, but a friendly emptiness where strangers can enter and discover themselves as created free; free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances; free also to leave and follow their own vocations.  Hospitality is not a subtle invitation to adopt the life style of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own."

BAM.  Hospitality in a nutshell.  And that's only the beginning.

So take note - especially those of you who serve as members of InterVarsity's Hospitality team under Sarah Min's leadership who stalk my blog (yes, I know you read this) - hospitality is so much more than serving food, throwing dinner parties, and organizing events.  It's a "fundamental attitude toward our fellow human being" (Nouwen 67).

The spiritual reality of ultimate hospitality.

Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called "the uncircumcision" by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands - remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world.  

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.  And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near.  For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.  

So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord.  In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

---Ephesians 2:11-22

I don't know if you've been following my growth in understanding this gift of hospitality I may have, but it's been a fun process so far.  Here are some things I've learned about it so far:

• Hospitality is so much more than entertaining guests or providing good food and serving your friends and family that come over to your house.
• Being a good host is not just about meeting physical needs but creating a space that helps the stranger/guest recognize that they have something valuable to offer the host.
• Practicing hospitality is invaluable to all those who claim that they follow Jesus.  
• Hospitality goes hand-in-hand with evangelism, bridging the gap between those outside and within the family of faith, guiding/influencing the strangers on the outside to welcome them into the house of God.
• Hospitality goes hand-in-hand with social justice, breaking down walls and restoring relationships between racial, economic and social borders.
• Good hosts can get lost in the preparations of serving others; better hosts find joy in listening and sitting at Jesus' feet.

One thing I also know is that this hospitality thing in my life won't be fully manifested until I push it further and  test it in how I serve strangers.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from his love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.  Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of the others.

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of  God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.  Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.

--Philippians 2:1-11

The hospitality paradox.

If you take a look at some of my old notebooks, you may come across some lists of people's names.  Don't freak out if you ever see your name there on one of those lists.  I promise I'm not stalking you or anything.  Besides, if I met you during college, it's less likely that your name would be on one of those lists.

I love makings lists (I extravert J pretty strongly, so of course I would), but there's a good chance I made those lists for people I wanted to give something to for Christmas.

These lists were super long because they represented a spectrum of my social network - from my closest friends stretching down to acquaintances I've had very little interactions with. I'd list them all.  For my closest friends of course, I wanted to give something special that expressed how much I cared about them.  For the friends and acquaintances I didn't know as well, I wanted to embrace the art of surprise and give them something because I knew they wouldn't expect it.  Even though we weren't close, I wanted them to know I still cared and thought about them.

I'd be ambitious and write down the name of every single person I wanted to give something to.  Then I'd eventually realize that my budget didn't realistically fit a list that long, so I'd come up with a hierarchical budget based on how close I was to them.  And since I hated the thought of taking anyone off the list (as if I was somehow obligated to do something for whoever's name crossed my mind) I had to get creative about what I was going to give them.  I'd take what skills I knew I had and things I liked to do and put that into use.  One Christmas I spent hours reading short inspiring stories, printing out the ones I liked and rolled them  in wrapping paper and ribbon to look like little firecrackers and gave those to my acquaintances.  For another Christmas I bought gift bags and baked cookies to give away with a little personalized note.  Other times I'd make handmade Christmas cards.

I loved making things for people because I figured they'd appreciate someone taking the thought and time to make something specifically for them, even if it was small.  Don't you love those kinds of gifts?

Over time I've recognized the idealistic efforts as being impractical, but it's been an ongoing struggle with the concept behind it.  Essentially I want every person I encounter to know that they are worth my time and worth my efforts - they are valuable and important to me.  I want them to know that they are loved.  You don't need to spend any length of time or to do anything special for someone to really care about you - someone who loves who you are despite who you've been and cares about where you're going no matter how long or short you may be in their life.

At the same time, I'm often overwhelmed by how many people I want to reach, and it makes me recognize how finite and limited I am.  I've worked myself into the ground, trying to meet the needs of the masses and have learned (the hard way) that it's unhealthy and not possible to do so.  You can't be boundlessly available, you can't be friends with everyone, you can't please everyone, and you can't give everyone the personal attention the person wants or needs.

During my first few years of college I struggled with this because I didn't know how to care for all the people I loved back home when I wasn't physically around to be there for them while also care for all the new relationships I was developing on campus.  I felt like I was stuck and was being forced to choose between two very important worlds and hated how one or the other seemed to lose out.

As I've been learning more about hospitality and how it unfolds in my life, it seems as though there's a bit of that paradox as well.  With hospitality, you often find yourself wanting to meet the needs of the masses all at the same time - but how do you do that while giving personal attention or care to remind them that they are known, heard and loved?  As a host, how do you meet such a wide range of individual needs?  How do you meet so many physical and spiritual needs with such limited resources?

It's a paradox I keep coming back to over and over again as I meet new people, think of those currently in my life and often think of people I've known in the past.  But as a paradox, though it seems to contradict itself, there's an element of truth to it.

I think the truth is that while we are finite, God is infinite; while we are limited, God is unlimited; where we lack in resources, God provides in abundance.  It's the very thing I forget every time I return to this paradox.    Just look at how Jesus fed the five thousand.  And then did it again with four thousand!  At the same time, it seemed like those stories weren't focused as much on the crowd or the individuals within the crowd as much as they were focused on the disciples and how they were responding/interacting with Jesus.  Hm.  I guess it's something to look into.

In any case, there's no exact formula to know how to care for the many people your heart breaks for.  That was something I had to get over a long time ago.  But I've stopped making those kinds of lists on paper.  It doesn't mean I've given up on caring, it's just that the lists constantly change and are stored mentally rather than on paper.

And they're not focused so much on Christmas gifts.

Easter, shmeaster, says my church.

Sadly, Easter Sunday at my church back home is like going to my church on any other Sunday except that there's a couple of potted white lilies sitting in front of the pulpit.

Even the baptisms we had seemed to be understated.

That's just not right. I get it, we're Asian. But seriously? Even with our Asian gifts I think our particular service is a bit lame. We're supposed to be family-oriented and hospitable and I just thought we could have done more with that with the gifts that the people in our church have. I want to see our church coming together to contribute in whatever ways we can to hurt together when someone is hurting, and to celebrate unreservedly (paradoxically in our Asian-reserved manner) when there's a reason to celebrate.

And I think the resurrection of Jesus Christ is a pretty big reason to celebrate.

Like, cake, really? Is cake really the best we can do to celebrate four people publicly declaring God as their Lord and Savior? Are two potted lilies and a special Easter song from the choir the best we can do to celebrate the power Jesus had to conquer death?

I'm not saying we have to break out the tambourines, but let's do what God has gifted our church to do, and let's get excited about it! We're a family-oriented church, so how can the families contribute to the celebration? I can see us being better with how we present the church building, not just with two potted lilies (that phrase is starting to sound like something in the 12 days of Easter), but with banners declaring that Christ has risen, and baskets full of flowers.

Okay, maybe that may sound cheesy or pretty lame, but I think making the effort and trying out different things is worth much more than making no effort at all. Our church is gifted with people who love to cook, serve, share music, and much more that I'm sure we don't even take the time to learn about. We should be using these gifts that God has blessed us with so that we and others can enjoy them and welcome others into experiencing the truth and love of Christ. I'm not so concerned with decorating the church building as I am about how we're expressing who Christ is to us.

We should be asking ourselves questions like how our kids can contribute to the celebration, how the men can contribute to the celebration, how the college students can get involved and what kind of attitude should we be having. We should be inviting our friends and neighbors to the celebration, and thinking about how people would feel or what they would think if they walked into our building and how can they meet Jesus today, whether or not they've met us for the first time or have been a part of the family for years.

It should be a big deal, and when I walked out of service that day, it was as if it was like any other Sunday, with me feeling almost invisible and unchanged.

We can do so much with all that we have and yet we are doing very little.

From deflated to excited.

It's days like these when I need to remind myself at the end of the day that the world does not rest on my shoulders.

I feel like I've been having a semi-deflating week, with the frustrations of knowing things could be better than they are. I know that I can be an agent of change with my own attitude, but it's hard when everyone else around you feels deflated, too. And it's not one of those, "Oh my gosh I'm going to be bitter and complain all the time and refuse to do anything because I don't feel like I can do anything" kinds of attitudes. It's more like, "I remember that God has big plans for my life and for the world. I trust Him that things will not fall apart and that His vision is worthy to lay my life down for. But what is my part? Where do I go from here to get to there and how do I invite people to come alongside of me?"

However, the key part of my deflating week is that it was only "semi-deflating."

There have been a number of times this weekend where God kind of elbowed me really hard in the stomach.

On Saturday my hospitality team and I got together for our weekly meeting, and after finishing up the last chapter of How to Inherit the Earth, I wanted us to just talk about what it would look like if InterVarsity was successful in carrying out its mission. I don't know about my team, but it got me so excited! What got me even more excited was how Sarah Min had a good idea about something she wanted to see happen at Large Group and then was like, "I'll just try at next week's Large Group." Something I've admired about her is how she loves to dream things up and just goes out and does things to accomplish them. People like me tend to easily dismiss dreams because they seem impractical or too far off to accomplish.

With my curiosity and excitement firing up, I asked Sarah after our meeting what were some of the other things she's been dreaming up for herself. My admiration for her deepened as she shared so easily some of the things she wanted to do and how she had already took some steps in the direction of accomplishing them.

Then she unexpectedly turned the question back to me: "What do you dream about doing lately, Tammy?" I thought about it for a few seconds before saying, "I honestly haven't thought about it." And it was interesting because she said, "I think you should sing somewhere."

Of course, with the mind that I have that most of the time easily dismisses dreams, I started telling her, "There's not many opportunities I find besides talent shows and open mics, and even then I usually only get to play one or two songs." And I joked around that I should hold my own little mini-concert but then dismissed that because I wouldn't like all the attention or pressure - it's something I'd want to share with others.

And that eventually led me to the idea of holding a Benefit Concert to raise money for the NYCUP Spring Break Plunge that me and 19 other people from our chapter are participating in during our March spring break. I knew there were a lot of people in our chapter who may interested in helping us out by performing.

So the idea of planning the event got me really excited as well. I think it'll be really fun and a great opportunity for people to donate.

And...I just miss singing with people and for other people. This gives me a good excuse to say, "Hey, wanna sing with me?"

So even though there are now a bajillion things on my plate (I exaggerate) this week and things just keep popping up, I will not use this space to complain or whine because it will not solve anything and will only bring down the attitude. Blame cannot be labeled on anyone for these things - they're just the way they turned out. That's why I said it's days like these that I need to remind myself that the world does not rest on my shoulders. And besides,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

Kids are my favorite teachers. (cont'd)

I definitely could've written a lot more in my previous post. I decided to spare you all and write more in a separate post, so that my ideas could kind of build off of one another and so you could try to follow my line of thinking.

So I go on and on about this posture of learning, not because I've got it all down and place myself in this posture all the time, but because realizing this helps me understand myself better, where I have fallen and what I hope for my relationship with others - all in the context of the picture God gives for us in our relationship with him, with others, and the world so that we can try to put the puzzle pieces together.
And I think having a posture of learning also ties in with hospitality.

In his book, Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life, Henri Nouwen says:
Old and New Testament stories not only show how serious our obligation is to welcome the stranger in our home, but they also tell us that guests are carrying precious gifts with them, which they are eager to reveal to a receptive host.

As we are all learning to be good hosts in God's topsy-turvy kingdom, we need to clothe ourselves with humility, recognizing that though we expect our guests to have nothing, they actually have something to offer.
When hostility is converted into hospitality then fearful strangers can becomes guests revealing to their hosts the promise they are carrying with them. Then, in fact, the distinction between host and guest proves to be artificial and evaporates in the recognition of the new found unity.

With hospitality, though, it's easy to get caught up in how our society views it today. In Christine D. Pohl's book, Making Room: Recovering Hospitality as a Christian Tradition, she says:
Today when we think of hospitality, we don't think first of welcoming strangers. We picture having family and friends over for a pleasant meal. Or we think of the "hospitality industry," of hotels and restaurants which are open to strangers as long as they have the money or credit cards. Perhaps large churches come to mind, with their "hospitality committees" that coordinate the coffee hour, greet visitors, or help with the parking. In any case, today most understandings of hospitality have a minimal moral coponent - hospitality is a nice extra if we have the time or the resources, but we rarely view it as a spiritual obligation or as a dynamic expression of vibrant Chrisitianity.

So true, right? To be honest, that's what I've always thought (and sometimes still get caught up in) hospitality was all about. Pohl points out, though, that:
Whereas in ancient times all strangers depended on someone else's hospitality, today, it is those without resources who depend most on the free provision of food, shelter, and protection that characterizes hospitality.


Look at Luke 10 when Jesus sends out the seventy-two. He tells them not to carry anything with them, and to bring peace to the house they enter, with the risk that they'll be rejected. He sent them as "lambs among wolves" - vulnerable, needy people in the midst of a hostile world. We need to learn to be good guests before we can learn to be good hosts.

Then in Luke 10 Jesus helps a man, an "expert," understand who really was his neighbor - the Samaritan who showed mercy. With the amount of hostility Jews viewed Samaritans with, I bet no one expected the Samaritan to have anything to offer to the man on the road. I wonder what the "expert" thought or did when Jesus told him to "go and do likewise" of the Samaritan. The Samaritan was a neighbor - a guest - that no one expected to learn anything from.

And so the learning posture made me wonder if it tied with hospitality because it made me think of Mary and Martha. Both of them were hosts to Jesus. Maybe Martha got caught up in trying to meet the physical needs of her guest that she had forgotten her guest had something to offer.

And maybe that's why Jesus said Mary had chosen "the good portion/what is better." Mary was a host, too, and yet she had placed herself below her guest, in a learning posture, because she expected to receive something wonderful and valuable from Jesus.

The term hospitality, therefore, should not be limited to its literal sense of receiving a stranger in our house - although it is important never to neglect that! - but as a fundamental attitude toward our fellow human being, which can be expressed in a great variety of ways. -- Henri Nouwen

Within acts of hospitality, needs are met, but hospitality is truncated if it does not go beyond physical needs. Part of hospitality includes recognizing and valuing the stranger or guest. --Christine D. Pohl

Hospitality say what?

It's fun and exciting to learn more about the gift of hospitality. It's fascinating to realize that there's something much deeper and richer to hospitality than just the joy of planning events or filling people's stomachs to make people feel comfortable and happy. And discovering more of what it is and what it could look like makes it exciting :]

I was thinking about the role of the host and the guest, and how I think it's very similar to the idea that in order to be a good leader, you have to learn how to be a good follower -

In order to be a good host, you have to know what it means to be a good guest.

And for Christians, that means learning to be a good guest in God's topsy-turvy kingdom. I think that's why I find reading Scott Bessenecker's book, How to Inherit the Earth: Submitting to a Servant Savior to be so important. He basically unpacks the idea of what it means to be a servant leader - a paradox our society today is baffled by - and what it means to submit to the people you host.

Jesus was the ultimate host/guest, of course. He was always traveling, relying on others to house him and feed him. He dwelled among the people he was serving. At the same time, he welcomed those on the margins of society - the ones that most people thought didn't deserve a place at the table - into the kingdom of God.

In order to be a good host of God's kingdom, we have to remember that God first hosted us as His guests, treating us like royalty though we come to Him in rags, in filfth, and with nothing to offer.

It's so interesting how He invites us to be hosts of His kingdom, but we get so caught up in things that we end up trying to take control, or forget that the kingdom we're inviting people into doesn't belong to us. Then we get choosy about who comes in, only being especially nice to those we like - or like us in return. Or, we invite people in, expecting them to give us something and if they don't, and we keep trying, we eventually give up.

And we forget.

We forget that we don't have ultimate control. We forget that we were once the very same guests. We forget that we belong to the kingdom but the kingdom doesn't belong to us. We forget that we are hosts because God empowered us to follow His example.

If hospitality really is a gift He's given me, and it's not just something some spiritual gifts test says I have, then dang, I'm both intimidated and honored to be entrusted with something like that to grow and share with others.

They have books on the spiritual gift of hospitality!

In Chapter 9 of Bill Hybels' book, Courageous Leadership, Hybels talks about the art of self-leadership where one of the sections is titled, "Am I Developing My Gifts?"

In this section, he asks: What are your top three spiritual gifts? If you can't articulate them as quickly as you can give your name, address, and phone number, I'm tempted to say, "You need your cage rattled!"

He also says, "Leaders must know which gifts they've been given and in what order. That's why I read everything I can that pertains to these gifts and why I hang around as often as possible with people who are better than I am in these areas."

When I read this earlier in the week, I was thinking about how I've never read any books on the gift of hospitality, and wondered if there actually were any good ones on the gift of hospitality. It's not a spiritual gift I hear much about at all. But since I was in bed when I read this, I only wondered about it and didn't actively look anything up.

The next day I met up with Carrie for our weekly meeting, going over Courageous Leadership. Since we didn't have time to go through the whole chapter, we went through the sections that stood out to me. I pointed out the "Am I Developing my Gifts?" section but only said that I knew my top gift was hospitality and that I forgot the order of the other ones. Then she told me she just finished reading these really good books on hospitality and I got so excited!

I went over to her house today and she lent them to me (I actually had forgotten about them). She lent me Reaching Out: the Three Movements of the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen, which isn't focused only on hospitality but talks about it as a movement in a bigger picture. And the other book is called, Making Room: Recovering Hospitality as a Christian Tradition by Christine D. Pohl. Here's the back cover description:

For most of church history, hospitality was central to Christian identity. Yet our generation knows little about this rich, life-giving practice.

In Making Room, Christine Pohl revists the discipline of welcoming strangers and provides the foundation for renewed commitment to recovering hospitality as a Christian tradition.

Combining biblical and historical research with extensive interviewing of people in contemporary communities of hospitality - the Catholic Worker, L'Abri, L'Arche, Good Works, Jubilee Partners, St. John's Abbey, and others - Pohl explores anew the necessity, difficulty, and blessing of practicing hospitality today.

Carrie said it was a really good book. I'm so excited to read it!!

Also, I decided to take a spiritual gifts test again, since the last one I have saved was from 2008, and it's interesting how some gifts changed slightly and some things changed dramatically.

a conversation with myself.

i was just thinking about how sad it was that i started or wanted to start so many blog posts but never really had the time to finish them and publish them.

i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately...as i always do.

like how awesome it was to bake cookies to put in my stitch cookie jar! i hadn't baked or have anything in my cookie jar for a long time. i was so glad to bake a huge bunch of snickerdoodles last week and then come back to room to find people to feed the fresh-baked cookies to! joe, brendon, nathaniel, tony, and gary (although he stayed mostly next door), had come over randomly to visit. we had an good time just chilling while i worked on my project that was due the next day :P

i've also been thinking about how much stuff i have to remember. like, how does God expect us to do so much? we have to remember to pray faithfully and fervently, have a worshipful attitude in all that we do, work hard but not too much and keep a Sabbath day holy, forgive those who hurt us no matter how many times they do, share the gospel with everyone, don't keep God separate from every aspect of our life, be grateful for all that we have both good and bad, read the Bible, be kind, be gentle, be obedient...it's so much!
so when i'm in these sort of situations i pretend to be myself talking to myself and think, 'if i were telling this to me, what would i say?'

so here's how it'd probably go:
you (me): how are we supposed to obey and do all of these things God expects us to do all the time?
me: i know it seems hard, but hey, but that's why we need to constantly depend on God. He can give us the power to do those things - we just have to be willing to take it.
you: well, it still feels impossible. i mean, i understand that we'll have times where we'll be doing great with God, obeying Him, listening to Him and everything, but there are just parts of my nature or circumstances that seem to mess me up, throw me off.
me: i think that's why we constantly need God's mercy and grace and faithfulness everyday. He's constantly shaping us. you're always changing because of the choices you're given and the decisions you make. what those decisions look like are up to you. we're always given a choice. we're always given a choice. and sometimes you may have the heart to make the right choice, but it's definitely one step at a time. that's why the Christian life is compared to the perseverance and endurance of a long race. that's why we need to encourage and support each other. that's why we need to continue practicing disciplines. because it's hard. God never said that following Him would be easy. it's hard work every single day. but a lot of the things we know we need to "do" are things that we need to constantly practice and when we do, it'll start to come more easily. they'll become fruits of our labor. they'll start becoming our nature. so if you sincerely have the heart, the desire, the willingness to be who God wants you to be, then you'll keep going and keep working through all the rough stuff and difficulties to be carefully shaped.

wow, i should talk to myself more often.

okay i will write more another time. sorry this post was so blah.

i am a carrot. hear me roar.

i just know this is gonna be a long one. there's so many things swirling around that i'm thinking about that i'm not sure i could explain it all here. but i'm gonna try. ready? d-d-d-go!

i've been struggling with a lot of stuff going on in this carrot head of mine - good struggles.
i've been picking up on things that God's been whispering to me that i thought was just these past few weeks. but then i thought about it and He's been whispering some things to me for the past few months. and then i thought about it and He's been whispering some things to me for this entire semester, as well as my entire life that i haven't picked up on until now.

one of those things is that i'm a carrot.
and along with being a carrot, i need to learn to grow as a carrot and identify what it means to grow in this giant vegetable garden and what my purpose and contribution is as a unique carrot in a salad bowl.

haha sounds funky, right? like, what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about-you-crazy-girl-obsessed-with-illustrations kind of crazy, right?

so i was talking with michelle and pam (on separate occasions) about what i've been noticing about myself and about how i interact with others.

one thing is that for my freshman year, God has been working on my relationship to Him on a personal level. He refreshed me and renewed me as i entered college into a new self. my eyes were opened again and again to my constant disobedience to Him and the way i masked myself from the truth of His enduring, agape love. i wasn't being real with myself, and throughout freshman year i learned to do that (and i'm still learning to maintain that) through everything that surrounded me: my living circumstances, small group, large group, serving with intervarsity, being served by the fellowship, people i talked with and encountered, expedition, basileia, being home, and the list goes on. i struggled with identifying myself with God because the ways i had been living my life as a Christian were all being questioned and challenged.

but now that i've grown and gotten my head (not completely, but better) wrapped around ways i need to interact and approach God and grow in Him and with Him, i've been struggling with the ways in which i interact with others on a relational level. it's like i'm trying to figure out who God wants me to be and how that fits in with everyone i encounter in my life.

so as i've blogged about before, i've been learning a lot of stuff through the leadership meetings i have with carrie, joanna, and nathan every friday afternoon. and this past week since carrie wasn't here, joanna led our group in talking about what our callings are and how our spiritual gifts are tools of obeying those calls. ooh, i realized something just now. because i had always perceived one's "calling" as a certain career path to take because that's what God called you to do. but really it's more than about your "call" of having a certain career or doing something in regards to jobs or salaries or sustaining your life in the future. it's also about what you're called to do right now. so anyway, we were talking about spiritual gifts and i had realized since matt tuttle had asked me randomly sometime earlier this semester that i did not know what my spiritual gifts were. and in a way that isn't good because if i don't identify what they are, how am i supposed to use them to its fullest capacity to bear fruit for God's glory? i didn't want to be the servant who hid his talent in the ground. in the leadership book we were using, it gave a list of gifts and a little description and asked us to think about which ones we thought we had and to check those off. i had a pretty good sense of some gifts i might've had, but i didn't know if there was a difference between a spiritual gift or just being good at something, and what that meant for me. plus, it's confusing for me because i feel like i'm good in a range of areas, but not particularly strong in anything.

so i decided to take a spiritual gift test as a first step. i had taken one last year when jasmine flores came to speak about spiritual gifts, but i don't think i really took it that seriously. i was just like, yeah okay, this is nice. but i took the one that all the small group leaders were assigned to take, and i already told you my results in my last blog entry.
if you look at the list of my top seven spiritual gifts, you'll find that "hospitality" is #2. so i found that to be interesting since it was #1 on my list when i took the test last year (although last year's didn't have "music" as a spiritual gift, so maybe it would've been the same). but when i took it last year i was like, "what? hospitality? no way!" and kind of just brushed it off. but seeing it pretty high up on my list again made me think there was probably something significant about it.

and then all these epiphanies started happening.

-this semester, i was surprised at myself for teaching myself how to cook and cooking pretty decently. and i like doing it. i like cooking for the masses.
-i really enjoy it when people come to visit. i want to feed them and make them feel at home and provide whatever they need.
-alongside of that, God has been bringing people over to chill and hang out randomly. it's been pretty darn awesome.
-growing up in my house must've played an important role of this gift. people were always over at my house, and our fridge always had food in it to feed them. we sometimes dubbed our dining, "chan take-out."
-ealier this semester i was a little discouraged and beat myself up for not being able to connect with people as fast as others, or be as outgoing or challenging. i want to challenge people. i see people like pam and how she challenges people, which causes them to grow and connect. i want to do that too.
-so michelle pointed out to me a couple of times on separate occasions that i'm not really chatty sometimes in group settings. and it didn't occur to me until she said that. during every small group meeting i've barely said anything; at our praise team dinner discussion i didn't say much; when a bunch of us were trying to help keren with her class debate about Christianity, i didn't say anything; when people share with me about problems or just what's going on with them, i haven't really said anything, etc. but i didn't really notice because i've had a lot to say in my head. so apparently, i've been internalizing a lot of what i've been listening without saying anything out loud. i don't know what that means, or what it has to do with hospitality. all i know is that i used to speak my mind a lot more and lately i haven't been.

i don't really know what all of this means at the moment, but the only thing i've gotten so far is that God gave me the gift of hospitality and that i need to exercise it and appreciate it for what it is.

so i was talking with pam and telling her how i wanted to have gifts like hers and how i knew that my gifts were important in a different way, but it was just harder to see the fruits of using my gifts. and it's a little discouraging when pam's gifts were more apparent.

and that's when i became a carrot.
it's also when pam became a pumpkin.
so i'm a carrot because the fruits of my gifts aren't as visible, but that doesn't mean they're not there and they're not as good as any other vegetable. and pam's a pumpkin because maybe the fruits of her gifts are more visible, but that doesn't mean her gifts are not any better than mine. and then we're all in a vegetable garden and need to band together, embracing each other's identities and gifts when we're chosen, plucked, washed, chopped up and put together in one of God's ginormous salads.

and right now, i'm trying to find my place in the salad: trying to identify myself as a carrot, figuring out what it means to be a carrot and how i contribute to the salad.

yesterday morning i was looking through some of the articles on the intervarsity website under the studentssoul.org link, and found one titled, "the importance of being a worship leader," and this is what i read:

Do you sometimes feel insignificant or inadequate as a worship leader? Worship has the potential to bring people before God, and worship leaders, like doorkeepers, assist by standing at the door and welcoming people into God’s presence.

I remember being on the worship team at a retreat and feeling depressed because I didn’t possess the same gifts as the others. When I shared my insecurity, one of my friends quoted Psalm 84:10: “I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”

It made me feel worse.

Was he saying I was as insignificant as I felt? The equivalent of a doorkeeper? Undoubtedly many fine people work as doorkeepers, but the position is not, nor has it ever been, one of great prestige and influence.

Many years later, while leading worship at a conference, I received a note from one of the participants. She wrote that as she was trying to think of a way to describe my worship leading, “hospitable” is what came to mind. At first, she said, it seemed like a strange word to use for a worship leader, but then she realized that if worship is entering the throne room of God, then “hospitable” made perfect sense. We on the worship team were “standing at the doorway,” inviting others in. She went on to write, “All the things you do that make it easier for us to participate fully — from lining out words to leading us in clapping, teaching us how to pronounce non-English words, indicating when we’re repeating a chorus — all these things help us to find our way in. Wow, what a calling: welcoming worshipers into the throne room of God!”

i was like, wow, God, wow. He takes this whole spiritual gift of hospitality a step further and ties it with my role as a worship leader. i mean, how awesome is that?!

and THEN i had dinner with gary tonight (which was awesome because i hadn't talked to that kid in ages) and i was telling him some of this stuff, and how i have trust issues with people and how i suck at making decisions. and he was saying that maybe i was over-trusting people, putting everyone on a high pedastal and expecting a lot out of them, so much so that they fall far down when they don't meet my trust expectations. and then i trust so easily that i do it again. and then he pointed out that maybe discernment was a spiritual gift i needed to work on and pray about, that i needed to learn to trust the instinct God places within us more than the trust we put into other people.

very interesting stuff. it all makes a lot of sense. oh, how i am learning so much.

so you see how all these things are swirling around in my head and how there's so much stuff i've been thinking about? this is like only HALF of the stuff i've been thinking about.

anyway, just wanted to write it down in some way. sorry if it's confusing. it was fun to write :]