okay, so my haircut isn't as bad as i first initially freaked out about.
but ONLY because i clip my hair back.
to be honest, my hair doesn't look all that different to the untrained eye. so a picture would not suffice because there's just no need for it.
but believe me, if your name is michelle, libby, kenzie, or fay, you never heard the end of my hair freak-out last week.
i went to the salon right after i got home from the bus (of which we literally traveled from happy sunshine weather into dreary, humid, rainy weather, but it's okay), which was like...5/5:30ish? but i was shocked to find out that not only was a guy going to cut my hair...but he didn't speak english! let's just say, lesson learned: don't get hair cut by someone who doesn't understand english. i thought it would be fine. and actually, it WAS fine. so i was pretty okay by the time he got to my bangs.
yes. my precious bangs.
he tricked me, i tell ya! he gained my trust enough to let him cut my bangs. well, i let him. and he cut them too short. yeah. i freaked out. i had to stop him mid-trim. so he finished blow-drying my hair and everything, and by the time he was done, i looked like a fob with uneven bangs. it was a nightmare.
i left the salon with my hand on my forehead and walked through main street like that (if i wasn't supposed to meet priscilla on main street i would've taken the back roads). and main street is the worst place to walk around with a bad haircut. if i was at BJ's or the library or something like that, alright whatever. i'd deal. but main street...you NEVER know who's in flushing, and they could be anywhere and spot you, but you wouldn't know! they could be on a bus, or in a store or in a restaurant or across the street and see you and be like, "oh hey, that's tammy!" but then not have the ability or desire to actually acknowledge that they've spotted you. believe me, flushing is THE place to bump into people you know if you live in NYC. on average i've bumped into one or two people per trip to flushing. freaky, i know.
i held my hand on my forehead, walking really quickly with my eyes on the ground pathetically until i reached the bus stop and realized i had a hood that i could wear on my head. i looked like a hoodlum.
i still freaked out after i washed my hair and everything because it was just short. i couldn't do anything to it. i just have to wait until it grows.
but it's okay, i'm fine now. freak-out is over. i love my layered hair. it's still nice and long, just the way i like it. now it's just a little less boring for me. little differences that really, only i can tell. no biggie.
when i freaked out at home and told my mom i looked like a fob (which she didn't know what it stood for), she said, "it's cute. maybe i think it's cute because you look like those korean girls in the korean dramas i watch." did NOT make me feel better, even though she was joking.
and then later when i was going to sleep, my mom was watching one of her korean dramas and pointed to the tv, saying, "hey look, she's got your haircut." and it was TRUE!
haha that was a pretty funny moment, though. my mom can be funny :D
anyway, being home was really good. i got to go to kenzie's graduation, hang out with my family, hang out with priscilla a little while, spend some hours with the tsai family...oh man, that was an awesome time. isaiah, the boy who only spoke complicated words like "ringtone," and, "museum," and not simple ones like "tammy," was now talking up a storm. samuel, my secret-quiet-biggest-fan was a little sick with a fever, and joshua was off to his last day of school. here are some of my favorite moments of the day:
me: here, isaiah, let's use bolt [they have a giant stuffed animal movie dog bolt] as a pillow.
isaiah: goat is my pillow.
me: you mean bolt?
auntie karen: okay, samuel, you have to go to your room and rest.
[samuel proceeds to cry]
auntie karen: why are you crying?
[samuel continues to cry]
auntie karen: is it because miss tammy's here and you want to play with her?
[samuel nods while continuing to cry]
joshua: samuel, can you come sit next to me?
samuel: okay.
joshua: mommy, i want to show miss tammy the bike game.
auntie karen: i don't know, joshua. miss tammy has to meet her friend after lunch.
joshua: samuel, can you show me how to play the bike game?
auntie karen: tammy, joshua wants to know if you can stay longer so he can play with you because he didn't get to while he was at school today.
it was good catching up a little bit with auntie karen, too. one day i'm going to take all three kids off of her hands for an entire day. she deserves it.
i got to hang out with libby and some church friends, and then bing friends on saturday! i went to a cappella in the park at central park, and my dad surprised me by showing up...on his bike! he biked all the way to central park (which apparently isn't that far to him because it's five miles shorter than his regular route) just to hear us sing. of course, i got extremely frustrated that we didn't know what was going on with what songs were were singing or when we were singing, but after we got past that it was all good. and really fun! and i got my chinese food fix thanks to steve and his help of narrowing down choices and ordering for me in chinese :P
one of the best parts of home was having a better attitude towards my parents and being home. after our "big talk" i expected things to be the same and not change (like always), but God has changed my heart a bit (as usual) and has been helping me love my parents in a different way. i've been trying to love them in the way they need to be loved, and i know they've been trying to love me in the way that i need to be loved. and, we're communicating! sometimes it's delayed or gets a little mixed up, but it's happening. i don't just let things go straight under the rug anymore, either. i've been forgiving them and giving grace to them in the ways i'd normally be selfish about, and making an extra effort to show them i appreciate them and love them in the ways they feel loved and cared about.
that, and my dad has texting now, so it makes communicating with him a little easier. and more fun :P
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
practice makes perfect, but discipline molds character.
as most of you know, i hate running.
but, i end up making myself do it anyway, because i know it's good exercise.
(and believe me, considering the portions of food and how unhealthily i eat, i need the exercise all the more)
as most of you know, i hate washing dishes.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to take up my responsibility and to love others.
as most of you know, i hate talking on the phone for long periods of time.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to build the relationships i have with those who aren't nearby.
and it's funny, because as i was doing these things this weekend, i realized i don't really hate it as much as i used to. like, i still don't like any of those things, but i'm not as repulsed by it as i used to be.
as i was running today, towards that point where i started saying to myself, "i hate running. i hate running. can i stop now? how about now?" i managed to hear an encouraging voice that pushed me through (it sounded a lot like pam's, when we ran together). and i was like, hey look at that. i ran a lot better than last time.
and i thought about how much i disciplined myself to go running at night a few times a week since i've been here. i'm shocked. if i had my way, i'd never go.
but making the decision to go, and then taking steps to do a little more, go a little farther or a little faster each time, really changes over time.
i was washing the dishes my housemates left in the sink the other day, and i made me think about how i've always hated washing dishes, and how i started doing them anyway after college, even at times when i had the choice not to. i started doing them for other people whenever the opportunity came up because i wanted to show them i cared about them enough to do something i really hated doing. and i kept disciplining myself to do it. and time has gone on, and i did it over and over and over again, it started becoming automatic and i don't seem to mind it as much. it's become less of a thing to grumble about in my mind and more of thing to just do out of love, even if it means nothing to the other person, or if the person doesn't even notice.
the same thing happened with talking on the phone. i was a horrible long-distance communicator freshman year of college because i wasn't used to having to communicate in such a different way. back home i always saw my friends and family numerous times a week on a regular basis, so i've never found the need to call anyone or write anyone a letter, or send anyone an email. i've learned it's something that takes practice, discipline, initiative, and grace. it's easier, of course, when the efforts of communication is highly mutual, but when it isn't, that's where grace and patience come in. you keep trying. you don't have to stress over it, complain about it, or get frustrated over the other person not making the same effort. that's when you give that grace. but you keep trying, do something every once in a while, even if that person doesn't respond. that's what you do when you love someone (if i fall, i try a little harder to get back up. please stay by me, love, that's what you do when you love someone - haha i thought of this bethany dillon song when i said that). when you love someone, you give and give without expecting or desiring anything in return. that's what a gift is. a gift of grace.
but yeah, i've been disciplining myself over this past year to try a little harder, and my friends and family have been gracious and patient with me, but also have been continually making efforts as well.
now i know what it's like to experience growth and a deepening of relationships, even though there are miles between. and i love it. i email people all the time, will send something in the mail once in a while, and will talk on the phone randomly or on a regular basis. it's something i've been disciplining myself to do, pressing a little longer, pushing a little harder, and it's become more natural to do, and less of an obligation. these things are beginning to grow into things that i want to do.
and that's what i need to do everyday with spiritual disciplines. it may be easier to automatically speak to someone with an icy tone when i'm annoyed, or to just skip reading the Bible when i don't understand it. it may be easier to say, "oh, i want to go into publishing," rather than, "oh, i think God might want me to consider being an IV staff worker," or, "i don't know what God wants me to do in the future." it may be easier to pray for myself rather than pray for others. it may be easier just to stay in my room instead of hanging out with people i don't normally hang out with, or wander into one of my housemate's rooms, or be mad at my parents for not being the way i want them to be, or when they don't try to really listen to me.
but everyday we make a million choices, big and small. the big ones, they're a little more obvious, a little easier to catch. it's when we discipline ourselves in the small choices, the ones where we make a decision within a few minutes or even a split few seconds, and continually choose the pathway that Jesus would take, that it'll become more natural, and our character will start to look a lot more like His.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
--Colossians 3:1-7
every morning, you choose your own clothes to wear that day.
let us choose to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience to live the holy life Christ exemplified for us.
but, i end up making myself do it anyway, because i know it's good exercise.
(and believe me, considering the portions of food and how unhealthily i eat, i need the exercise all the more)
as most of you know, i hate washing dishes.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to take up my responsibility and to love others.
as most of you know, i hate talking on the phone for long periods of time.
but, i make myself do it anyway, to build the relationships i have with those who aren't nearby.
and it's funny, because as i was doing these things this weekend, i realized i don't really hate it as much as i used to. like, i still don't like any of those things, but i'm not as repulsed by it as i used to be.
as i was running today, towards that point where i started saying to myself, "i hate running. i hate running. can i stop now? how about now?" i managed to hear an encouraging voice that pushed me through (it sounded a lot like pam's, when we ran together). and i was like, hey look at that. i ran a lot better than last time.
and i thought about how much i disciplined myself to go running at night a few times a week since i've been here. i'm shocked. if i had my way, i'd never go.
but making the decision to go, and then taking steps to do a little more, go a little farther or a little faster each time, really changes over time.
i was washing the dishes my housemates left in the sink the other day, and i made me think about how i've always hated washing dishes, and how i started doing them anyway after college, even at times when i had the choice not to. i started doing them for other people whenever the opportunity came up because i wanted to show them i cared about them enough to do something i really hated doing. and i kept disciplining myself to do it. and time has gone on, and i did it over and over and over again, it started becoming automatic and i don't seem to mind it as much. it's become less of a thing to grumble about in my mind and more of thing to just do out of love, even if it means nothing to the other person, or if the person doesn't even notice.
the same thing happened with talking on the phone. i was a horrible long-distance communicator freshman year of college because i wasn't used to having to communicate in such a different way. back home i always saw my friends and family numerous times a week on a regular basis, so i've never found the need to call anyone or write anyone a letter, or send anyone an email. i've learned it's something that takes practice, discipline, initiative, and grace. it's easier, of course, when the efforts of communication is highly mutual, but when it isn't, that's where grace and patience come in. you keep trying. you don't have to stress over it, complain about it, or get frustrated over the other person not making the same effort. that's when you give that grace. but you keep trying, do something every once in a while, even if that person doesn't respond. that's what you do when you love someone (if i fall, i try a little harder to get back up. please stay by me, love, that's what you do when you love someone - haha i thought of this bethany dillon song when i said that). when you love someone, you give and give without expecting or desiring anything in return. that's what a gift is. a gift of grace.
but yeah, i've been disciplining myself over this past year to try a little harder, and my friends and family have been gracious and patient with me, but also have been continually making efforts as well.
now i know what it's like to experience growth and a deepening of relationships, even though there are miles between. and i love it. i email people all the time, will send something in the mail once in a while, and will talk on the phone randomly or on a regular basis. it's something i've been disciplining myself to do, pressing a little longer, pushing a little harder, and it's become more natural to do, and less of an obligation. these things are beginning to grow into things that i want to do.
and that's what i need to do everyday with spiritual disciplines. it may be easier to automatically speak to someone with an icy tone when i'm annoyed, or to just skip reading the Bible when i don't understand it. it may be easier to say, "oh, i want to go into publishing," rather than, "oh, i think God might want me to consider being an IV staff worker," or, "i don't know what God wants me to do in the future." it may be easier to pray for myself rather than pray for others. it may be easier just to stay in my room instead of hanging out with people i don't normally hang out with, or wander into one of my housemate's rooms, or be mad at my parents for not being the way i want them to be, or when they don't try to really listen to me.
but everyday we make a million choices, big and small. the big ones, they're a little more obvious, a little easier to catch. it's when we discipline ourselves in the small choices, the ones where we make a decision within a few minutes or even a split few seconds, and continually choose the pathway that Jesus would take, that it'll become more natural, and our character will start to look a lot more like His.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
--Colossians 3:1-7
every morning, you choose your own clothes to wear that day.
let us choose to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience to live the holy life Christ exemplified for us.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
obama-drama
yes, it's true. i dreamt about the obama family last night/this morning.
my mom was not my mom. apparently my mom was this non-Asian lady (i think she might've been Hispanic), i had no dad, and my mom owned this really small restaurant somewhere that hardly anyone came to. i was the oldest in my family, and i had like a few little siblings that weren't really important in my dream. i helped take care of the restaurant and things like that.
and in my dream, the obama family decided to come to our restaurant! it was craziness. there was nobody in the restaurant and barely anyone on the streets, except for the president's entourage of cars and bodyguards. it seemed like either nobody cared or nobody knew that the obamas came to our restaurant, but we were the happiest people to have such an honor.
before the obamas arrived, there was a guy who helped me prepare for the big dinner, who apparently was a neighborhood guy a little older than me but was around all the time to help out in the restaurant. i think he was a really good friend of mine. not my best friend, but a close friend. so he was helping me carry some supplies into the restaurant (as he always did, apparently), and my mom and some of her friends were whispering and giggling as they watched us carry stuff in. it turns out they really wanted me and my friend to start dating and eventually get married. i was like, uh...awkward.
anyway, when the obamas arrived, nobody was around. i had a really good time. it was a polite but warm and friendly dinner. i really liked their family and it seemed like they really liked my family. they said they chose our restaurant because they really liked the food (although how it was good food but nobody was ever in our restaurant or how the obama family heard about it, i don't know).
and then i woke up.
but it's a rainy, lazy saturday, so i decided to go back to sleep.
and the dream continued.
so then the obama family said they were going to be in town for the weekend and invited me (not my little siblings, who were envious) to walk around town and maybe go shopping. and of course i agreed!
we were having a lot of fun and went into this really fancy fancy handbag store, and i saw something i really liked and after consulting with michelle obama and her two girls, i decided to get it. i took it up to the register while the obamas continued to browse. the guy at the register was really creepy looking. he rang it up and it came out to $170! i was like, "ohhh, heck no." so i started panicking and was like, "okay, nevermind i don't want the bag."
but the guy said, "sorry, once the bag is rung up you have to pay the bill."
i started worrying about going over my credit limit (which was like, $150 or something like that) and that my dad (who was nonexistent??) would kill me if a) i went over my limit, and b) that i went over my limit for buying a $170 handbag. so i did something out of character and kind of argued with the cashier. i was like, "what do you mean, i have to pay the bill?! can't you just cancel it like it never happened??" except i was whispering really loudly because i didn't want the obamas to hear me.
and so the guy and i started arguing, me whispering really loudly, the guy, not so much.
and i turned around, seeing the obama family standing closely behind me, waiting for me so we could leave. and i knew they could hear what was going on. they were watching me and definitely in close enough proximity.
i expected the president, who was standing right there, to step in and see what the problem was, the cash register guy would go all googly-eyed for being in the presence of the president, to just let the whole thing go and let me keep the bag. or, i expected michelle obama to step in, see what the problem was, try to negotiate calmly, and then if the guy was still stubborn, to just pay for the bag for me.
but nothing happened. and i got frustrated not just because it meant i really had to pay for the bag and deal with the consequences, but also because i felt betrayed and fooled. i had tricked myself into thinking that the obama family had my back, that they really liked me and cared about me. i felt defeated.
i can't remember what happened at the end. if i paid for the bag and pretended like everything was fine and left with the family, or if i decided to just leave the bag and leave the store.
and then mary situ called me. that's how i woke up. but that is a story for tomorrow.
my mom was not my mom. apparently my mom was this non-Asian lady (i think she might've been Hispanic), i had no dad, and my mom owned this really small restaurant somewhere that hardly anyone came to. i was the oldest in my family, and i had like a few little siblings that weren't really important in my dream. i helped take care of the restaurant and things like that.
and in my dream, the obama family decided to come to our restaurant! it was craziness. there was nobody in the restaurant and barely anyone on the streets, except for the president's entourage of cars and bodyguards. it seemed like either nobody cared or nobody knew that the obamas came to our restaurant, but we were the happiest people to have such an honor.
before the obamas arrived, there was a guy who helped me prepare for the big dinner, who apparently was a neighborhood guy a little older than me but was around all the time to help out in the restaurant. i think he was a really good friend of mine. not my best friend, but a close friend. so he was helping me carry some supplies into the restaurant (as he always did, apparently), and my mom and some of her friends were whispering and giggling as they watched us carry stuff in. it turns out they really wanted me and my friend to start dating and eventually get married. i was like, uh...awkward.
anyway, when the obamas arrived, nobody was around. i had a really good time. it was a polite but warm and friendly dinner. i really liked their family and it seemed like they really liked my family. they said they chose our restaurant because they really liked the food (although how it was good food but nobody was ever in our restaurant or how the obama family heard about it, i don't know).
and then i woke up.
but it's a rainy, lazy saturday, so i decided to go back to sleep.
and the dream continued.
so then the obama family said they were going to be in town for the weekend and invited me (not my little siblings, who were envious) to walk around town and maybe go shopping. and of course i agreed!
we were having a lot of fun and went into this really fancy fancy handbag store, and i saw something i really liked and after consulting with michelle obama and her two girls, i decided to get it. i took it up to the register while the obamas continued to browse. the guy at the register was really creepy looking. he rang it up and it came out to $170! i was like, "ohhh, heck no." so i started panicking and was like, "okay, nevermind i don't want the bag."
but the guy said, "sorry, once the bag is rung up you have to pay the bill."
i started worrying about going over my credit limit (which was like, $150 or something like that) and that my dad (who was nonexistent??) would kill me if a) i went over my limit, and b) that i went over my limit for buying a $170 handbag. so i did something out of character and kind of argued with the cashier. i was like, "what do you mean, i have to pay the bill?! can't you just cancel it like it never happened??" except i was whispering really loudly because i didn't want the obamas to hear me.
and so the guy and i started arguing, me whispering really loudly, the guy, not so much.
and i turned around, seeing the obama family standing closely behind me, waiting for me so we could leave. and i knew they could hear what was going on. they were watching me and definitely in close enough proximity.
i expected the president, who was standing right there, to step in and see what the problem was, the cash register guy would go all googly-eyed for being in the presence of the president, to just let the whole thing go and let me keep the bag. or, i expected michelle obama to step in, see what the problem was, try to negotiate calmly, and then if the guy was still stubborn, to just pay for the bag for me.
but nothing happened. and i got frustrated not just because it meant i really had to pay for the bag and deal with the consequences, but also because i felt betrayed and fooled. i had tricked myself into thinking that the obama family had my back, that they really liked me and cared about me. i felt defeated.
i can't remember what happened at the end. if i paid for the bag and pretended like everything was fine and left with the family, or if i decided to just leave the bag and leave the store.
and then mary situ called me. that's how i woke up. but that is a story for tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i lied.
i was just looking over some of my old posts.
i did/do write "i-did-this-and-did-that" posts. oh well. i hope they were/are entertaining/interesting. if not, too bad for you!
i did/do write "i-did-this-and-did-that" posts. oh well. i hope they were/are entertaining/interesting. if not, too bad for you!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
heart pounding.
kenzie just emailed me back. i haven't talked with her in a long time. like really. and when i told her i stalked her in my thoughts (i wonder what she's doing, how's she doing, etc.), she told me she stalked me on my blog.
and my heart started to pound.
i'm not quite sure why. it did, however, inspire me to blog. it's a little creepy sometimes, finding out that someone has been reading your blog but i had no idea. like, seriously, the only people i truly believe read my blog are: tuttle, boaz, libby, priscilla, and maybe mary. and maybe michelle. i don't know if michelle still reads this. she probably does. anyone else and it's a surprise to me. like when carrie left a message on one of my blogs the other day i was like, "whoa. i had NO idea carrie read my blog." but at the same time i'm kind of glad i don't know exactly who's reading my blog. i think somehow it would change how i blogged.
to be honest, for the most part i blog for myself. i write about things that i just need to put out there. i'm not writing to entertain others, or to please others. i'm honest about the thoughts i need to sort out from my mind and put into words. i'd say i blog about 80% for myself. the other 20% goes out to all of you readers. i like to skim over my blog a couple of times at the end of writing it to check for spelling/grammar mistakes, to make my writing as clear as possible (i may still have mistakes because i'm not obsessive over checking my english, so don't hold any grammar mistakes against me!) so it's readable and understandable. i try to write creatively to make it more interesting to read, but i don't sacrifice my integrity for it (like, i'm not going to make something up or embellish or whatever for the sake of creativity or entertainment). i try not to write things like, "oh, i did this and this and this and this today. this happened and that happened. the end." this is isn't my diary. now length, that's tricky. i was reading an excerpt of this "how to blog" kind of book at barnes and noble once, and they were saying you should make your blogs short and sweet for people to want to read them. now, as you can probably tell (if you're one of my regular readers), i'm not a short-and-sweet kind of girl. and that's not going to change (in regards to this blog - speeches and public speaking, well, that's got to change). sorry, kids, the length is for me. i'm not going to make it short for the sake of gathering more readers. i don't care how many people read my blog. i just want to write what i need to write. if it's too long for you to read, then hey, don't read it. that's okay with me :]
i like updating, i do. i haven't blogged for the past week or so. i've wanted to, but wasn't really sure what to blog about. but there have been a few things on my mind lately, which partially leads to why i haven't blogged in a while.
notice how my first week here i blogged like almost every other day. notice how since then, my blog has been a bit scarce with entries.
reason?
the same reason why i haven't talked to God in my every waking moment: there's no desperation.
i was telling karen a little bit about this a few days ago during one of our evening talks. btw, talking with karen every night is great. it's awesome experiencing what true accountability partners and prayer partners and fellowship is. anyway, i was telling her that something i wanted her to pray about was my desperation for God. the first week here at binghamton, i was praying and talking to God like crazy. it brought me comfort to know i wasn't alone. i let out my frustrations, my fears, my complaints, everything to God because i was desperate.
and God opened my eyes. He kind of knocked me on my head and say, "HEY! i'm taking care of you! stop complaining! this is what you wanted, wasn't it? isn't this the prayer you wanted answered?"
i've been hanging out with all kinds of groups of people these past few weeks. last week christina came up to visit for the week. i hung with her, chris, joe, paul lee, and jess zhu sometimes at UP. i hung out with her and carrie another night. lucy, the awesome secretary of dickinson that has been taking care of me so well, invited me, raquel, and sarah (two RDs of dickinson) to her house for dinner, and that was cool. i got to meet her good kids (13, 14, and 17 years old), and went to her really clean and beautiful home. on sunday i went to twin orchards by myself (which was a little weird, i have to admit), and rachel mapes invited me to go bowling with her and some friends, so i did. i call them the filippino crowd :P it was clarissa, james (who was just visiting for th weekend), rachel, destrie, and their two friends antoine and erica. and it wasn't awkward at all! it was really fun and really great to hang out with them even though i've never hung out with them before. and yesterday i went over to han's place and hung out with jon yee, rich, jade, kate, andrew, jen han, han, and ife for a little while. it was nice :] and earlier in the weekend i hung out with one of my housemates ali and her bf (who was visiting for the weekend), and their friend tyler for a little bit. they're all on BSSL (the stage, sound, and lighting group on campus) so that's all they were really talking about, but it was still good.
see, so i've been spending time with a lot of different people that i don't normally hang out with, and i think it's great. it's another step out of my comfort zone that i know God is guiding me through all the way.
but even so, that desperation is lacking. which, of course, is okay, i'm not saying it's bad. i'm just saying it sometimes makes it tougher for me to rely on Him, and i realize it. you know what i mean? it's easy for me to fall into the trap of, "oh hey, God. i'm doing fine now. You gave me friends, You gave me people to hang out with, people to take care of me, so i don't need You anymore," kind of thing.
things are good. but i know i still need God. and i don't want to let satan get a foothold on my heart.
my productivity slowed down a bit last week as i was hanging out with people and being lazy (just watching tv when i got home from work and then ending up doing random whatnot stuff) but i'm starting up again. last night at like...12 something i had the sudden desire to put together a spreadsheet for the hospitality teams for next fall, even though i was mad tired.
i'm getting revved up again. dancing (not balancing) with God in the swing of fun and work isn't easy, but He teaches me the steps. He's asking me for the dance, but i have to get off my lazy butt and accept His hand.
i told you i'm learning!
and my heart started to pound.
i'm not quite sure why. it did, however, inspire me to blog. it's a little creepy sometimes, finding out that someone has been reading your blog but i had no idea. like, seriously, the only people i truly believe read my blog are: tuttle, boaz, libby, priscilla, and maybe mary. and maybe michelle. i don't know if michelle still reads this. she probably does. anyone else and it's a surprise to me. like when carrie left a message on one of my blogs the other day i was like, "whoa. i had NO idea carrie read my blog." but at the same time i'm kind of glad i don't know exactly who's reading my blog. i think somehow it would change how i blogged.
to be honest, for the most part i blog for myself. i write about things that i just need to put out there. i'm not writing to entertain others, or to please others. i'm honest about the thoughts i need to sort out from my mind and put into words. i'd say i blog about 80% for myself. the other 20% goes out to all of you readers. i like to skim over my blog a couple of times at the end of writing it to check for spelling/grammar mistakes, to make my writing as clear as possible (i may still have mistakes because i'm not obsessive over checking my english, so don't hold any grammar mistakes against me!) so it's readable and understandable. i try to write creatively to make it more interesting to read, but i don't sacrifice my integrity for it (like, i'm not going to make something up or embellish or whatever for the sake of creativity or entertainment). i try not to write things like, "oh, i did this and this and this and this today. this happened and that happened. the end." this is isn't my diary. now length, that's tricky. i was reading an excerpt of this "how to blog" kind of book at barnes and noble once, and they were saying you should make your blogs short and sweet for people to want to read them. now, as you can probably tell (if you're one of my regular readers), i'm not a short-and-sweet kind of girl. and that's not going to change (in regards to this blog - speeches and public speaking, well, that's got to change). sorry, kids, the length is for me. i'm not going to make it short for the sake of gathering more readers. i don't care how many people read my blog. i just want to write what i need to write. if it's too long for you to read, then hey, don't read it. that's okay with me :]
i like updating, i do. i haven't blogged for the past week or so. i've wanted to, but wasn't really sure what to blog about. but there have been a few things on my mind lately, which partially leads to why i haven't blogged in a while.
notice how my first week here i blogged like almost every other day. notice how since then, my blog has been a bit scarce with entries.
reason?
the same reason why i haven't talked to God in my every waking moment: there's no desperation.
i was telling karen a little bit about this a few days ago during one of our evening talks. btw, talking with karen every night is great. it's awesome experiencing what true accountability partners and prayer partners and fellowship is. anyway, i was telling her that something i wanted her to pray about was my desperation for God. the first week here at binghamton, i was praying and talking to God like crazy. it brought me comfort to know i wasn't alone. i let out my frustrations, my fears, my complaints, everything to God because i was desperate.
and God opened my eyes. He kind of knocked me on my head and say, "HEY! i'm taking care of you! stop complaining! this is what you wanted, wasn't it? isn't this the prayer you wanted answered?"
i've been hanging out with all kinds of groups of people these past few weeks. last week christina came up to visit for the week. i hung with her, chris, joe, paul lee, and jess zhu sometimes at UP. i hung out with her and carrie another night. lucy, the awesome secretary of dickinson that has been taking care of me so well, invited me, raquel, and sarah (two RDs of dickinson) to her house for dinner, and that was cool. i got to meet her good kids (13, 14, and 17 years old), and went to her really clean and beautiful home. on sunday i went to twin orchards by myself (which was a little weird, i have to admit), and rachel mapes invited me to go bowling with her and some friends, so i did. i call them the filippino crowd :P it was clarissa, james (who was just visiting for th weekend), rachel, destrie, and their two friends antoine and erica. and it wasn't awkward at all! it was really fun and really great to hang out with them even though i've never hung out with them before. and yesterday i went over to han's place and hung out with jon yee, rich, jade, kate, andrew, jen han, han, and ife for a little while. it was nice :] and earlier in the weekend i hung out with one of my housemates ali and her bf (who was visiting for the weekend), and their friend tyler for a little bit. they're all on BSSL (the stage, sound, and lighting group on campus) so that's all they were really talking about, but it was still good.
see, so i've been spending time with a lot of different people that i don't normally hang out with, and i think it's great. it's another step out of my comfort zone that i know God is guiding me through all the way.
but even so, that desperation is lacking. which, of course, is okay, i'm not saying it's bad. i'm just saying it sometimes makes it tougher for me to rely on Him, and i realize it. you know what i mean? it's easy for me to fall into the trap of, "oh hey, God. i'm doing fine now. You gave me friends, You gave me people to hang out with, people to take care of me, so i don't need You anymore," kind of thing.
things are good. but i know i still need God. and i don't want to let satan get a foothold on my heart.
my productivity slowed down a bit last week as i was hanging out with people and being lazy (just watching tv when i got home from work and then ending up doing random whatnot stuff) but i'm starting up again. last night at like...12 something i had the sudden desire to put together a spreadsheet for the hospitality teams for next fall, even though i was mad tired.
i'm getting revved up again. dancing (not balancing) with God in the swing of fun and work isn't easy, but He teaches me the steps. He's asking me for the dance, but i have to get off my lazy butt and accept His hand.
i told you i'm learning!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
bear with me.
haha i typed that title for this post and it made me think of the bear carrie, kellie, and i did NOT see while traipsing through the forest to the beach/lake at cole park for good shepherd's church picnic today. the park rangers had warned us there was a bear lurking through the trails, but carrie decided it was safe enough to walk anyway, so we went. as you can see, we did not encounter any bears.
i say, "bear with me," because i realize i've been letting my selfishness get in the way of everything. i've been letting it drive my attitude, and because of that, it has led to brokenness and frustration.
i miss pam a lot. within the last few days every time i thought of her i got really sad. as i was recording a message for her yesterday, i thought about how much she has changed my life being together with her, and how now our lives are changing separately. i thought about how life at bing was going to be so different without her right there. and it made me frustrated at the same time, because this was one of the things i was afraid of by coming to bing. that i would grow so close to her that i would hate being apart from her.
but, at the same time, i know this change is something we need and something that will be life-changing for the both of us. see? i let my selfishness of wanting to keep pam for myself. but i know that our individual growth will not stop our mutual growth as blood sisters or sisters in Christ. in fact, i believe that our individual growth would stir an growth and impact even greater when we're together.
i also realize that part of the reason why i've been so fussy is because it's hard and uncomfortable, and i haven't been productive in the ways i know i can! but God has provided strength and encouragement for me these past couple of days and has stirred in me to get moving! He has ways to use me while i'm here and i need to take hold of the opportunities.
and He continues to take care of me and bring me comfort in ways i'd forgotten i had. just talking with my parents, libby, karen, and others on the phone and online recently have brought me comfort and new invigoration to live out exactly what i try to encourage others to do:
take initiative and live intentionally.
i'm not saying things are easier now. it's still hard being on my own and trying not to feel inadequate, regret, or guilt. but praise God for challenging me to trust Him and obey Him, and learn more about who He is and what it means to take up my cross and follow Him daily.
bear with me, for i'm still learning.
i say, "bear with me," because i realize i've been letting my selfishness get in the way of everything. i've been letting it drive my attitude, and because of that, it has led to brokenness and frustration.
i miss pam a lot. within the last few days every time i thought of her i got really sad. as i was recording a message for her yesterday, i thought about how much she has changed my life being together with her, and how now our lives are changing separately. i thought about how life at bing was going to be so different without her right there. and it made me frustrated at the same time, because this was one of the things i was afraid of by coming to bing. that i would grow so close to her that i would hate being apart from her.
but, at the same time, i know this change is something we need and something that will be life-changing for the both of us. see? i let my selfishness of wanting to keep pam for myself. but i know that our individual growth will not stop our mutual growth as blood sisters or sisters in Christ. in fact, i believe that our individual growth would stir an growth and impact even greater when we're together.
i also realize that part of the reason why i've been so fussy is because it's hard and uncomfortable, and i haven't been productive in the ways i know i can! but God has provided strength and encouragement for me these past couple of days and has stirred in me to get moving! He has ways to use me while i'm here and i need to take hold of the opportunities.
and He continues to take care of me and bring me comfort in ways i'd forgotten i had. just talking with my parents, libby, karen, and others on the phone and online recently have brought me comfort and new invigoration to live out exactly what i try to encourage others to do:
take initiative and live intentionally.
i'm not saying things are easier now. it's still hard being on my own and trying not to feel inadequate, regret, or guilt. but praise God for challenging me to trust Him and obey Him, and learn more about who He is and what it means to take up my cross and follow Him daily.
bear with me, for i'm still learning.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
glitter fingers
when i walked back up to my room, having just finished working an extra hour today with more work to finish early tomorrow morning, i caught myself by surprise by almost yelling out loud, "what the heck am i doing here?!"
i have a lot of these little talks with God and myself now. i haven't brought my laptop to work and bring my ipod every day but haven't used it yet. i'm tempted to, though. but i don't know. recently within these last few weeks God has really been causing me to sort of shut out the things i am so used to hearing and just listen.
and i'm not used to it.
i might even dare to admit that i don't really like it.
lucy, the secretary in the dickinson area office (who's basically my supervisor), had me start on doortags for the NEACUHO (it stands for something, i do not know what...something about housing) conference that was going on next week. this year's theme is "a kaleidescope of change," and they wanted me to stick foil confetti between clear cellophane and stick it behind the punched out door tag (which i also had to do), using tacky glue from a spray can. and they wanted me to work extra hours today and tomorrow because they needed them done by tomorrow afternoon.
i was trying so desperately to peel off the foil confetti that was stuck to my fingers. it was frustrating because the more i seemed to peel off one hand, the more the other hand seemed to accumulate. the spray would get everywhere and everywhere would get sticky. and it wasn't water soluable/washable. hence, why the confetti stuck to my fingers after i'd sprinkle it onto the cellophane.
i tried to rip pieces off as best as i could, but wasn't really getting anywhere until i looked up to find a blue jeep liberty parked in the library parking lot. for a split five seconds i immediately thought, "michelle." for a split moment i thought michelle was here and was hiding in a bush somewhere (like there are plenty of those around the brain), waiting to surprise me. at first when reality hit me i was sad. i really missed not only michelle, but people like libby and pam, too. familiar faces.
but then seeing that car there brought me comfort. it was familiar.
i looked back at my fingers and all the confetti was gone.
as i continued up the pathway through hinman, i kept asking, "what am i doing here?"
and God quietly and gently answered, "I brought you here."
and i asked, "but why?"
i wanted to know why i was here having to live with people i don't know, worry about what i was going to eat, feeling lazy, when i could be home having fun with my friends and family, not worry about food at all, and just be home. i should be at home at night, watching the west wing with my dad. i should be making ice cream for my friends and family, catching up with friends from high school, watching gilmore girls and the office and going off on adventures with libby and kenzie.
i started questioning what my subconscious motives were for staying here this summer at bing: was i trying to run away from home? was i trying to prove to my parents to anyone else and to myself that i can take care of myself?
i don't think so. at least, not consciously.
and then i answered my own question: i don't have to know why. i'm just sure that this is where God wanted me to be. my life is not all about me. God has a picture and a plan that is bigger than me. i need to do my part and obey Him as best as i can daily.
it's not easy being here, you know. this place was once a source of true comfort and refuge, a place where i could escape. now it's a desert, an emptiness, but a place of solitude and rest.
i arrived at my room exhausted and drained even though i had barely done anything. i told ali, one of my housemates, about the sticky fingers and she suggested dipping my fingers in oil and something grainy to help rub the stickiness away. we added salt to the oil and it took off the sticky residue pretty well.
06/05/09 - 7:47 PM
i was still sulking and moping when i sat at my desk and started this blog entry, but in the midst of writing it, i got a call from carrie, asking me if i wanted to go out for ice cream. at first i intended to decline because i really didn't feel like going out, but God was saying, "HEY. stop sulking and sitting in your lonesomeness. I'm taking care of you."
as soon as i sat down in carrie's car i sighed and said, "ah, a familiar face." we went out for ice cream at lickety split, talked, stopped by lowe's and talked about carrie's house, and it was great. it was just what i needed. i came home and suddenly desired to run. i ran around susquehanna a couple of times and stopped to swing on the swingset. i almost felt like i had failed because i meant to run longer. but it was just what i needed. i came home and called karen up so we could pray together. and it was just what i needed.
He's taking care of me and He always has been.
He's provided me with an awesomely generous and kind housemate who provides for me, a secretary supervisor at work who takes care of me, a staff worker who lives here and knows me and cares for me, a great sister in Christ who cares for me spiritually and prayerfully, and i still have friends and family back home and all over whom i could talk to and still care about me even though i'm miles away. i have a place to call home and a place and people i could go home to.
after my run and talking with karen i felt refreshed and re-excited for the things to do in preparation for the upcoming semester and just for the exciting things that God held for me to do and grow from and have fun with this summer.
before i went to sleep i continued reading, "invitation to solitude and silence," by ruth haley barton, where she quoted dan allender in The Healing Path:
Our spiritual journey must lead through the desert or else our healing will be the product of our own will and wisdom. It is in the silence of the desert that we hear our dependence on noise. It is in the poverty of the desert that we see clearly our attachments to the trinkets and baubles we cling to for security and pleasure. The desert shatters the soul's arrogance and leaves body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert we trust God or die.
and it was just what i needed.
He's taking care of me, a puny, scrawny, tiny part of something bigger, something better for all of us and everything.
i have a lot of these little talks with God and myself now. i haven't brought my laptop to work and bring my ipod every day but haven't used it yet. i'm tempted to, though. but i don't know. recently within these last few weeks God has really been causing me to sort of shut out the things i am so used to hearing and just listen.
and i'm not used to it.
i might even dare to admit that i don't really like it.
lucy, the secretary in the dickinson area office (who's basically my supervisor), had me start on doortags for the NEACUHO (it stands for something, i do not know what...something about housing) conference that was going on next week. this year's theme is "a kaleidescope of change," and they wanted me to stick foil confetti between clear cellophane and stick it behind the punched out door tag (which i also had to do), using tacky glue from a spray can. and they wanted me to work extra hours today and tomorrow because they needed them done by tomorrow afternoon.
i was trying so desperately to peel off the foil confetti that was stuck to my fingers. it was frustrating because the more i seemed to peel off one hand, the more the other hand seemed to accumulate. the spray would get everywhere and everywhere would get sticky. and it wasn't water soluable/washable. hence, why the confetti stuck to my fingers after i'd sprinkle it onto the cellophane.
i tried to rip pieces off as best as i could, but wasn't really getting anywhere until i looked up to find a blue jeep liberty parked in the library parking lot. for a split five seconds i immediately thought, "michelle." for a split moment i thought michelle was here and was hiding in a bush somewhere (like there are plenty of those around the brain), waiting to surprise me. at first when reality hit me i was sad. i really missed not only michelle, but people like libby and pam, too. familiar faces.
but then seeing that car there brought me comfort. it was familiar.
i looked back at my fingers and all the confetti was gone.
as i continued up the pathway through hinman, i kept asking, "what am i doing here?"
and God quietly and gently answered, "I brought you here."
and i asked, "but why?"
i wanted to know why i was here having to live with people i don't know, worry about what i was going to eat, feeling lazy, when i could be home having fun with my friends and family, not worry about food at all, and just be home. i should be at home at night, watching the west wing with my dad. i should be making ice cream for my friends and family, catching up with friends from high school, watching gilmore girls and the office and going off on adventures with libby and kenzie.
i started questioning what my subconscious motives were for staying here this summer at bing: was i trying to run away from home? was i trying to prove to my parents to anyone else and to myself that i can take care of myself?
i don't think so. at least, not consciously.
and then i answered my own question: i don't have to know why. i'm just sure that this is where God wanted me to be. my life is not all about me. God has a picture and a plan that is bigger than me. i need to do my part and obey Him as best as i can daily.
it's not easy being here, you know. this place was once a source of true comfort and refuge, a place where i could escape. now it's a desert, an emptiness, but a place of solitude and rest.
i arrived at my room exhausted and drained even though i had barely done anything. i told ali, one of my housemates, about the sticky fingers and she suggested dipping my fingers in oil and something grainy to help rub the stickiness away. we added salt to the oil and it took off the sticky residue pretty well.
06/05/09 - 7:47 PM
i was still sulking and moping when i sat at my desk and started this blog entry, but in the midst of writing it, i got a call from carrie, asking me if i wanted to go out for ice cream. at first i intended to decline because i really didn't feel like going out, but God was saying, "HEY. stop sulking and sitting in your lonesomeness. I'm taking care of you."
as soon as i sat down in carrie's car i sighed and said, "ah, a familiar face." we went out for ice cream at lickety split, talked, stopped by lowe's and talked about carrie's house, and it was great. it was just what i needed. i came home and suddenly desired to run. i ran around susquehanna a couple of times and stopped to swing on the swingset. i almost felt like i had failed because i meant to run longer. but it was just what i needed. i came home and called karen up so we could pray together. and it was just what i needed.
He's taking care of me and He always has been.
He's provided me with an awesomely generous and kind housemate who provides for me, a secretary supervisor at work who takes care of me, a staff worker who lives here and knows me and cares for me, a great sister in Christ who cares for me spiritually and prayerfully, and i still have friends and family back home and all over whom i could talk to and still care about me even though i'm miles away. i have a place to call home and a place and people i could go home to.
after my run and talking with karen i felt refreshed and re-excited for the things to do in preparation for the upcoming semester and just for the exciting things that God held for me to do and grow from and have fun with this summer.
before i went to sleep i continued reading, "invitation to solitude and silence," by ruth haley barton, where she quoted dan allender in The Healing Path:
Our spiritual journey must lead through the desert or else our healing will be the product of our own will and wisdom. It is in the silence of the desert that we hear our dependence on noise. It is in the poverty of the desert that we see clearly our attachments to the trinkets and baubles we cling to for security and pleasure. The desert shatters the soul's arrogance and leaves body and soul crying out in thirst and hunger. In the desert we trust God or die.
and it was just what i needed.
He's taking care of me, a puny, scrawny, tiny part of something bigger, something better for all of us and everything.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
an orange sock.
on my desk there's a picture frame of the tsai boys,
a colored paper that says, "hello buddy!" from michelle,
a bandana from work crew,
the strengthsfinder book from e-board,
the little magnetic stitch that winnie always steals from me,
and there's an orange sock.
that one's particularly important to me :]
a colored paper that says, "hello buddy!" from michelle,
a bandana from work crew,
the strengthsfinder book from e-board,
the little magnetic stitch that winnie always steals from me,
and there's an orange sock.
that one's particularly important to me :]
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