comforting verses

so today, just now, as i was spending some quiet time with God, i encountered Him and He brought me comfort.
i read the daily Bible passage from luke that my dad is encouraging us to follow, and then i read from my devotional that mary situ gave to me, and at the bottom of the devotional is always a short Bible passage to read.

today, it was 1 Peter 3:13-15.

i've been putting myself down and been pretty hard on myself lately. i feel like that when i was younger (like elementary school days) i was an edgy, feisty, active kid that always tested my boundaries to see how far they would take me. i mean, come on. when i was about 9 or 10 years old i stole gum from a grocery store in flagstaff, arizona. and then i did it again the next year (same store, different kind of gum). would you believe it if i did something like that today?
so since my younger "bad-girl" years, i've learned where my boundaries are and established them for myself according to where i think God wants them to be (believe me, there still are boundaries that i'm in the process of learning to make), but for many things, i pretty much know where i stand. and i don't want to cross that boundary.
i'm done trying to see how far i can get away with things.

i want to do what's right in God's eyes.

but apparently, sometimes i've taken it to the extreme opposite and make it seem like i look down on other people for not desiring the same thing. gary told me it was an "issue" (i added the quotes, not him). it has come up a few times in the past few weeks. actually, remember the first time i mentioned the whole "pastor's daughter" thing? that was part of it. because it was mentioned again later on.
anyway, so supposedly i make condescending/judging facial expressions sometimes when people say something or do something that might be considered "wrong," i.e. curse, download, drink, cut class. the list could go on. and i'm aware that sometimes i do, but i didn't know it was hurtful to other people or made it seem like i looked down on others.

pam says i do do that sometimes.

maybe i do. maybe it do look down on people and didn't even realize it. but if i do, it's not because i think i'm better than you. i'm not any more righteous than the person next door. i do it because i'm trying to push myself to a certain standard and feel like as Christians, we should all be trying to do the same. i feel like we're becoming more and more numb and desensitized to the things of this world, saying this is alright and that is alright because the majority of people say it's okay.

and i'm not okay with that.

and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. because people think i'm prude and conservative and whatever and i think it's hurts my ministry to the people around me sometimes. but i'm not going to start cursing or start doing "bad" things to make people feel like i'm more human.

so am i supposed to just be okay with my friends cursing around me, filling my head more and more with harsh words that pierce my ears? am i supposed to just not say anything? not react? i don't know if i can do that. but i know that in the end it's their choice to say or do whatever they want.

argh.

so, during all of this confusion and frustration that's been going on, today, like i said, i read 1 Peter 3:13-15 but also skimmed a few verses above it:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers,
be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

and then i read a little more after verse 15:

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

and i realized that maybe i just wasn't explaining myself. i just reacted. but maybe it was because no one really asked my why i thought what i thought (oh, except boaz once about the whole cursing thing with the posters on his room's door), so i never really explained why i was reacting the way i did.

of course, it doesn't help that people keep looking for my reaction. i can tell now that when someone says something or does something wrong, people are waiting for my reaction, my facial expression to tell it all. some people make it more obvious than others. it gets quite annoying. they think i don't see them, either. but i do. sometimes i want to point out to them that i know they're waiting for my reaction and that i don't appreciate it.

it's ironic how people feel like i'm judging/condescending towards others and yet i feel the same way towards those people.

i'm not trying to be better than everyone else. i'm just trying to better my own self and want others to do the same. i guess it's just the way i go about it isn't good enough. sigh. that's something else i gotta work on i guess.

gary says i can't just keep correcting. i need to correct and encourage as well. and lack in the encouragement department.

which is probably true.

i'm so tired. like literally and mentally and emotionally. i could really use some refreshing encouragement myself. like, this is why i've been so hard on myself lately. i feel like no matter what i do i keep messing up. like, i test my boundaries, that's wrong. i mess up. i try to do good, i try to do what's right. i mess up. i try to play more sports and practice because it's fun and physically good for me. everyone tries to correct me and help me out and i totally understand what their saying and i know what i'm supposed to do to make it right, but i still mess up. my body doesn't seem to coincide with my mind.

okay, okay, okay. i'm gonna stop being hard on myself. it makes it look like i'm looking for pity or sympathy or something. and i will give it my best to try and encourage others, even if it means sacrificing more of my time. i've been trying. i made sam chang and boaz these really elaborate birthday cards to show them how much i cared even though i couldn't get them a present. that week was really hectic, too.

all the while kind of putting my education on the back burner. i almost forgot to register for classes today. and my classwork hasn't been all that much of a priority to me lately.

oh well. the good news is i broke 100 in bowling yesterday! of course, that was only by chance...i'm the most spastic bowler ever.

this is a blog about matthew john tuttle

i know a guy named matthew john tuttle. as of today, he is 19 years old. it's his last year as a teenager. i would have written this blog earlier, but there was so much chaos and palooza going on in efforts of trying to surprise him @ midnight, so i didn't get the chance to. but that's okay because matthew john tuttle rocks.
i don't really call him matthew john tuttle...all the time. i usually call him tuttle. i like calling him tuttle. it's unique, which describes him perfectly. tuttle is a unique guy. tuttle is in the process of educating me about the american culture i am a part of and yet barely know anything about. i live in a deep hole under a rock, but am making my way up to the light, all thanks to tuttle. we have started watching the tv show "my so-called life" together sometimes. i am starting to like it a lot more.
i am glad i have gotten to know tuttle a lot more over this past semester, mainly because he has been coming over to visit. it's fun talking with tuttle and laughing with him about something karen says. he is also a good listener.
something i admired about tuttle from the very beginning was his genuine gentleman qualities. it's not everyday where you see a guy insist on walking you home so you wouldn't go by yourself just so you'd stay safe, or give every girl he knows a hershey's chocolate bar on valentine's day, or give sincere compliments every once in a while (not too much or we would all think tuttle was creepy, but he's not). you can tell that tuttle appreciates the ladies in his life.
tuttle and i have also had many scuffles over this semester. we are not perfect people, and we are very different in a myriad of ways, so we know scuffles are bound to happen. but i know that it's the growing friendships that can get past those scuffles and move forward. tuttle and i have done that and that makes me glad :]
yay today is tuttle's birthday!
tuttle is a good friend of mine. this particular blog is dedicated to him. i appreciate tuttle more than he knows and am glad that God brough him into my life. i have learned a lot from him and am excited to see what else i will learn from him.
i am proud to celebrate his birthday with him.
i am proud to be tuttle's sister-in-Christ and wouldn't choose to be any less.
happy birthday, tuttle!

ramblings about nothings

okay i should be working on my essays and stuff again as usual, but i just have to get this out.

i hate disappointing people.
i hate saying no.
but i also hate quitting.
i hate being tired.
i hate feeling helpless.
i hate that i sometimes do too much
but at the same time don't do enough.
i absolutely hate feeling so selfish,
but i can't help it.

i think sometimes i feel this way because of my past.

when i look at my past, i see many healed wounds.
but they're just always there to remind me of the hurt.
and sometimes when i'm reminded of that hurt,
it makes me feel that way all over again.
as if stuff that happens today is bringing the same feelings i've felt in the past,
and it makes me feel like i didn't learn my lesson the first time.

i also hate failing.
and these feelings that return make me feel like i've failed...and you know what? i have.
and that's okay.
because it reminds me that i'm not perfect.
and people think that i am, or that i try to be.

you know, i always forget i'm a pastor's daughter because i really don't feel like one. but then other people remind me that i am. and usually one would think, oh yeah, that's great. but sometimes, it hurts.
today i was reminded i was a pastor's daughter.
and that because i am a pastor's daughter, i am somehow "off limits" because i'm too special to deal with.
my first reaction? ouch. ouch all the way.
you might say, "hey, somebody thinks you're really special! that's a compliment!"
but to me it says, "hey, i'm gonna take myself out of the picture because you're not worth fighting for."
yeah, i'd say i'm special. too special is more like it. and too different. and not because i'm a pastor's daughter.

i just don't think like other people. my logic is different from everyone else's logic.
people say i'm smart, but really, i'm not.
tuttle keeps teasing me about making dean's list last semester. i used to be proud of it, but then when i thought about it i realized that it really means nothing at all to me. to me, it's not true. i shouldn't be on the dean's list. it's a joke. it doesn't matter. in fact, i wish i wasn't on dean's list. maybe it'll finally prove to people that i'm really not as smart as people think, just like in the eighth grade when i didn't make it into any specialized high schools or junior/senior year when i got 1140 out of 1600 on my SATs. i'm not smart. i'm not trying to be self-deprecating and i'm not saying i'm dumb. i'm just saying i'm average. i'm not that much smarter than the average person.

that's why i keep asking questions. that's why i don't know what the difference between a pharisee and a rabbi is. that's why i don't know why tomatoes are good for you, or can't seem to remember what HIV or AIDS is. that's why i don't know what the world population is or what i learned in statistics last year even though i got a 98 average in that class. it's because i'm not as smart as people think. and i don't mind asking questions, even if they feel like there should be an easy answer. that's how i'm gonna learn.

yesterday we had beautiful weather. absolutely perfect. it was another reminder that i was absolutely not perfect. yesterday i also played softball with IV people out in the field. it was another reminder that i am not perfect. i cannot throw a ball to save my life. i didn't even want to attempt to swing because it just wasn't worth it. i cannot play sports to save my life. but that's okay. it's all okay.

it's part of who i am.

and you know what else? this whole Asian-American thing is confusing sometimes. it's a topic that has come up often in my life recently. i don't know much about Chinese people, and i certainly don't know much about American culture. and i don't fit the typical Chinese-American mold either, so i get really confused. i still can't remember the difference between lo mein, mei fun, and chow mein, and i still can't recognize any U2 song nor what the difference between rap, hip-hop, alternative, and rock music is. usually if someone asks me what ethnicity i am, i'd answer: American. but now i don't even know anymore. i'm not Chinese, i'm not American. i'm...chinalienothingmerican. i'm made up. just like my name: tamaria. i'm special. too special. too different. too weird. hard to pronounce correctly the first time. gosh, how do i even have friends? it doesn't make any sense. who would want to be friends with a weirdo like me?

well, despite all of this, i still know that God loves me just as i am and is standing in the gap with me. i am definitely not alone. i have awesome brothers and sisters who care about me :]

i am loved.
i still love InterVarsity, despite all the issues that arise.
i love college, it's molding me tremendously.
i love my bed. and my pillow. oh man, it's so comfortable.
i love and appreciate my current roommate and my future roommate more than they know.
and above all else, i love that God loves me, even when i don't love myself.

here, fellow readers, is a song i wrote a while ago that i would like to share with all of you:

tears of pain
tears of joy
if i saw you could i tell the difference?
people ask me
if you're alright
if you'd let me in
would you here me say

look at yourself
count all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
but don't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed you

i am paralyzed
i feel powerless
who could i lean on
when my pillars are gone?
those i trusted
aren't here anymore
it's only me and God
i don't need anyone else

looking at myself
counting all the wounds
that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
i won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed me

looking at ourselves
counting all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed us

now, back to writing my essay. my goal is to finish this essay by tonight even though it's due friday.