comforting verses

so today, just now, as i was spending some quiet time with God, i encountered Him and He brought me comfort.
i read the daily Bible passage from luke that my dad is encouraging us to follow, and then i read from my devotional that mary situ gave to me, and at the bottom of the devotional is always a short Bible passage to read.

today, it was 1 Peter 3:13-15.

i've been putting myself down and been pretty hard on myself lately. i feel like that when i was younger (like elementary school days) i was an edgy, feisty, active kid that always tested my boundaries to see how far they would take me. i mean, come on. when i was about 9 or 10 years old i stole gum from a grocery store in flagstaff, arizona. and then i did it again the next year (same store, different kind of gum). would you believe it if i did something like that today?
so since my younger "bad-girl" years, i've learned where my boundaries are and established them for myself according to where i think God wants them to be (believe me, there still are boundaries that i'm in the process of learning to make), but for many things, i pretty much know where i stand. and i don't want to cross that boundary.
i'm done trying to see how far i can get away with things.

i want to do what's right in God's eyes.

but apparently, sometimes i've taken it to the extreme opposite and make it seem like i look down on other people for not desiring the same thing. gary told me it was an "issue" (i added the quotes, not him). it has come up a few times in the past few weeks. actually, remember the first time i mentioned the whole "pastor's daughter" thing? that was part of it. because it was mentioned again later on.
anyway, so supposedly i make condescending/judging facial expressions sometimes when people say something or do something that might be considered "wrong," i.e. curse, download, drink, cut class. the list could go on. and i'm aware that sometimes i do, but i didn't know it was hurtful to other people or made it seem like i looked down on others.

pam says i do do that sometimes.

maybe i do. maybe it do look down on people and didn't even realize it. but if i do, it's not because i think i'm better than you. i'm not any more righteous than the person next door. i do it because i'm trying to push myself to a certain standard and feel like as Christians, we should all be trying to do the same. i feel like we're becoming more and more numb and desensitized to the things of this world, saying this is alright and that is alright because the majority of people say it's okay.

and i'm not okay with that.

and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. because people think i'm prude and conservative and whatever and i think it's hurts my ministry to the people around me sometimes. but i'm not going to start cursing or start doing "bad" things to make people feel like i'm more human.

so am i supposed to just be okay with my friends cursing around me, filling my head more and more with harsh words that pierce my ears? am i supposed to just not say anything? not react? i don't know if i can do that. but i know that in the end it's their choice to say or do whatever they want.

argh.

so, during all of this confusion and frustration that's been going on, today, like i said, i read 1 Peter 3:13-15 but also skimmed a few verses above it:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers,
be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

and then i read a little more after verse 15:

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

and i realized that maybe i just wasn't explaining myself. i just reacted. but maybe it was because no one really asked my why i thought what i thought (oh, except boaz once about the whole cursing thing with the posters on his room's door), so i never really explained why i was reacting the way i did.

of course, it doesn't help that people keep looking for my reaction. i can tell now that when someone says something or does something wrong, people are waiting for my reaction, my facial expression to tell it all. some people make it more obvious than others. it gets quite annoying. they think i don't see them, either. but i do. sometimes i want to point out to them that i know they're waiting for my reaction and that i don't appreciate it.

it's ironic how people feel like i'm judging/condescending towards others and yet i feel the same way towards those people.

i'm not trying to be better than everyone else. i'm just trying to better my own self and want others to do the same. i guess it's just the way i go about it isn't good enough. sigh. that's something else i gotta work on i guess.

gary says i can't just keep correcting. i need to correct and encourage as well. and lack in the encouragement department.

which is probably true.

i'm so tired. like literally and mentally and emotionally. i could really use some refreshing encouragement myself. like, this is why i've been so hard on myself lately. i feel like no matter what i do i keep messing up. like, i test my boundaries, that's wrong. i mess up. i try to do good, i try to do what's right. i mess up. i try to play more sports and practice because it's fun and physically good for me. everyone tries to correct me and help me out and i totally understand what their saying and i know what i'm supposed to do to make it right, but i still mess up. my body doesn't seem to coincide with my mind.

okay, okay, okay. i'm gonna stop being hard on myself. it makes it look like i'm looking for pity or sympathy or something. and i will give it my best to try and encourage others, even if it means sacrificing more of my time. i've been trying. i made sam chang and boaz these really elaborate birthday cards to show them how much i cared even though i couldn't get them a present. that week was really hectic, too.

all the while kind of putting my education on the back burner. i almost forgot to register for classes today. and my classwork hasn't been all that much of a priority to me lately.

oh well. the good news is i broke 100 in bowling yesterday! of course, that was only by chance...i'm the most spastic bowler ever.