ramblings about nothings

okay i should be working on my essays and stuff again as usual, but i just have to get this out.

i hate disappointing people.
i hate saying no.
but i also hate quitting.
i hate being tired.
i hate feeling helpless.
i hate that i sometimes do too much
but at the same time don't do enough.
i absolutely hate feeling so selfish,
but i can't help it.

i think sometimes i feel this way because of my past.

when i look at my past, i see many healed wounds.
but they're just always there to remind me of the hurt.
and sometimes when i'm reminded of that hurt,
it makes me feel that way all over again.
as if stuff that happens today is bringing the same feelings i've felt in the past,
and it makes me feel like i didn't learn my lesson the first time.

i also hate failing.
and these feelings that return make me feel like i've failed...and you know what? i have.
and that's okay.
because it reminds me that i'm not perfect.
and people think that i am, or that i try to be.

you know, i always forget i'm a pastor's daughter because i really don't feel like one. but then other people remind me that i am. and usually one would think, oh yeah, that's great. but sometimes, it hurts.
today i was reminded i was a pastor's daughter.
and that because i am a pastor's daughter, i am somehow "off limits" because i'm too special to deal with.
my first reaction? ouch. ouch all the way.
you might say, "hey, somebody thinks you're really special! that's a compliment!"
but to me it says, "hey, i'm gonna take myself out of the picture because you're not worth fighting for."
yeah, i'd say i'm special. too special is more like it. and too different. and not because i'm a pastor's daughter.

i just don't think like other people. my logic is different from everyone else's logic.
people say i'm smart, but really, i'm not.
tuttle keeps teasing me about making dean's list last semester. i used to be proud of it, but then when i thought about it i realized that it really means nothing at all to me. to me, it's not true. i shouldn't be on the dean's list. it's a joke. it doesn't matter. in fact, i wish i wasn't on dean's list. maybe it'll finally prove to people that i'm really not as smart as people think, just like in the eighth grade when i didn't make it into any specialized high schools or junior/senior year when i got 1140 out of 1600 on my SATs. i'm not smart. i'm not trying to be self-deprecating and i'm not saying i'm dumb. i'm just saying i'm average. i'm not that much smarter than the average person.

that's why i keep asking questions. that's why i don't know what the difference between a pharisee and a rabbi is. that's why i don't know why tomatoes are good for you, or can't seem to remember what HIV or AIDS is. that's why i don't know what the world population is or what i learned in statistics last year even though i got a 98 average in that class. it's because i'm not as smart as people think. and i don't mind asking questions, even if they feel like there should be an easy answer. that's how i'm gonna learn.

yesterday we had beautiful weather. absolutely perfect. it was another reminder that i was absolutely not perfect. yesterday i also played softball with IV people out in the field. it was another reminder that i am not perfect. i cannot throw a ball to save my life. i didn't even want to attempt to swing because it just wasn't worth it. i cannot play sports to save my life. but that's okay. it's all okay.

it's part of who i am.

and you know what else? this whole Asian-American thing is confusing sometimes. it's a topic that has come up often in my life recently. i don't know much about Chinese people, and i certainly don't know much about American culture. and i don't fit the typical Chinese-American mold either, so i get really confused. i still can't remember the difference between lo mein, mei fun, and chow mein, and i still can't recognize any U2 song nor what the difference between rap, hip-hop, alternative, and rock music is. usually if someone asks me what ethnicity i am, i'd answer: American. but now i don't even know anymore. i'm not Chinese, i'm not American. i'm...chinalienothingmerican. i'm made up. just like my name: tamaria. i'm special. too special. too different. too weird. hard to pronounce correctly the first time. gosh, how do i even have friends? it doesn't make any sense. who would want to be friends with a weirdo like me?

well, despite all of this, i still know that God loves me just as i am and is standing in the gap with me. i am definitely not alone. i have awesome brothers and sisters who care about me :]

i am loved.
i still love InterVarsity, despite all the issues that arise.
i love college, it's molding me tremendously.
i love my bed. and my pillow. oh man, it's so comfortable.
i love and appreciate my current roommate and my future roommate more than they know.
and above all else, i love that God loves me, even when i don't love myself.

here, fellow readers, is a song i wrote a while ago that i would like to share with all of you:

tears of pain
tears of joy
if i saw you could i tell the difference?
people ask me
if you're alright
if you'd let me in
would you here me say

look at yourself
count all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
but don't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed you

i am paralyzed
i feel powerless
who could i lean on
when my pillars are gone?
those i trusted
aren't here anymore
it's only me and God
i don't need anyone else

looking at myself
counting all the wounds
that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
i won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed me

looking at ourselves
counting all the wounds that cut deep within
old ones, new ones, they're all there
even with time they don't seem to disappear
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times
we won't worry
the scars just show how many times He's healed us

now, back to writing my essay. my goal is to finish this essay by tonight even though it's due friday.