Conflict and confrontation connections.

I used to despise conflict and dread confrontation.  I'd avoid them like the plague.  I'd do what it takes to keep the peace, even if it means unhealthily sweeping things under the rug and just absorbing my own disagreement.  If denying my own feelings or opinions would prevent conflicts from arising, I'll keep them to myself to keep the other person(s) happy.

Now, this is something I've known about myself for a while.  It goes along with the idea that I used to be a lot more fearless when I was younger and how I grew to become more cautious over the years.  When I was younger I'd push my boundaries a bit and take a few more risks.  But I'd oftentimes learn that the consequences of doing that frequently led to some form of pain or punishment:  emotional, mental, social, or physical.

So in my relationships with authorities, families, and especially friends, I wasn't a big fan of the consequences of conflicts because it often led to hurt feelings, yelling/arguments, misunderstanding, unhappiness.  I dealt with it by learning that if I did what people told me to do, if I denied vocalizing things that would push back against another person or authority, I wouldn't put myself in a conflict situation where I could ultimately face the wrath of emotional pain or punishment.

You could also throw in the facets of my personality that like things black and white, distaste of the "grey" areas, my perfectionism disposition, and my Asian-American tendencies of passive-aggressiveness, respecting elders/authorities, and avoiding shame, and you've got a whole slew of other factors of why I tend to avoid conflicts.

But to sum it up - I tend avoid any kind of conflict to ultimately protect myself.

Yes, avoiding conflict can be a very selfish thing.  You ignore or put yourself above the other person's needs or the relationship's needs, and serve yourself instead.  And friends, that is definitely not how we love one another.

Thankfully, during my many moments of introspection, along with good friends and family in my life who love me, I've become aware of this pattern of mine.  And becoming aware of it also helps me do two things:  1) get to the root of why I respond the way I do, and 2) see the flaws or destructiveness to myself and to others I have relationships with.  And after becoming aware of myself, I can focus on ways I can change or be aware and prepare others for future situations.

One thing I've had to learn (often the hard way) is that conflict is not a bad thing.  In fact, it can be a very healthy part of life and any relationship you have with anyone.

I once heard an analogy of how having conflict is like putting a couple of rocks into a rock tumbler.  You throw them in and as the canister spins, the rocks collide and rub against each other so that after some time, when you take them out, they're shiny and smooth and really pretty.

Conflicts will shape us by how we choose to handle them when they inevitably arise.  We can choose to engage or we can choose to hop out of the rock tumbler.  Yeah, you'd be the same rock you've always been, strong and safe from harm's way, but do you really want to bury what God has given you?  With God's love for us we have a chance to dig under our tough skin and let others see the real us.  As messy as the real us may be, there's something beautiful about smoothing off those edges.

So if there's one reason why I'm thankful I've been learning this already is that it has indeed been preparing me for marriage.  Ladies and gents, I am fully convinced (even as I am not married yet) that if I had not been learning how to deal with conflicts in my relationships with others (friends, family, random people, etc.), I would not be ready to get married...to anyone!  Think about it - I'm pretty much guaranteed to have conflicts with Nathan for the rest of my life.  We're going to be each other's faces all the time because we're melding together our lives.  So if I can't learn to handle conflicts well with my friends and family, what makes me think I can handle conflicts well with my husband?

Learning to face conflicts and undergo confrontation is an ongoing process.  It's so easy for me to dance around than confront what could be the cold, hard truth with myself or with others.  Sometimes I fall back into the habit of avoiding it.  But I definitely see the importance of both and see the dangers of what could/would happen if they don't happen.  And because of that, I am more inclined and willing to go through the tension and uncomfortable feelings for the sake of the relationship and the other person than I would have been in the past.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples - if you love one another.  --John 13:35

Check this out.

I'm reading through Proverbs and came across this verse:

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.  --Proverbs 11:3

I wish I could say it was this verse I read in high school that really changed me, but alas, it is not.  It's cool, though, that it affirms what I learned about uncovering my duplicity because this verse reminds me that it is an ongoing process and discipline in my life that I want and need to uphold, especially as life changes.

Relentless Act:s - Preparing for Lent

I was challenged to prepare for Lent by answering the question, "What are you willing to sacrifice?"

And so for my sabbath today I decided to prepare for Lent by learning a little bit more about it and humbly examine myself for the temptations and sins I struggle with that would be difficult to give up.

As a way of visually reminding myself to prepare for Lent, I decided to decorate the door to my room.  The theme verse for the Relentless Act:s Lent preparation is Romans 12:1-2, so I decided to put verse 1 (because putting both verse 1 and verse 2 would be a little too difficult) on my door in a crafty visual way of symbolizing that my door of my heart needs to remain open during this Lenten process.

Then I uploaded some pictures to create a "resource" on World Vision's Relentless Act:s website and it was so cool to see it on the homepage of resources.  I knew it wouldn't last forever because I'm sure it's only there until the next person uploads another resource, so I print-screened it to show it to you here:

My resource is in the bottom left corner under "Resources"!

The annoying thing about the website is that it doesn't show my whole picture, even when you click on it - so people viewing it will only see part of it.  So odd.  Maybe when people download the resource it provides the whole picture.  But you guys get to see it here:

I'm still working on my answer to, "What are you willing to sacrifice?" because I'm trying to dig deeper on what it really means for me to sacrifice and I'm trying to figure out what area of my life God wants me to focus on changing.  I'm also trying to learn more about different social justice issues and see how I may need to adjust my lifestyle. 

I know examining ourselves and repenting of our sins is supposed to be hard, but I'm really excited about this because I've been praying and trying to figure out how to repent and what behaviors or attitudes I need to change, and I really like the way World Vision is approaching it.  It's something that I get to do with people all over the country and the world, reminding me that I'm not doing this by myself.  It's also cool to see how people are responding to God, and to share ideas of creative ways to approach Lent.  

It's also really inspiring and motivating me to tap into my imagination, and that definitely feels like an old friend I haven't seen in years. 

Bless the Lord.

Emotional workaholic.

Nathan made that term up.  That's what he called me today on the phone.  I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done.  I agreed and said that's probably what it is.  And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.

They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?

My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.

My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience:  I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.

My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.

I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly.  This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school.  This time, it's just got a different face.  Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important.  And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight.  It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.

My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.

The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks.  Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea.  It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in.  Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians.  I am no exception.

If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have.  It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time.  So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it.  I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.  

Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance."  At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic.  I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is.  When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else.  I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is:  why do we settle for less?

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5

If you have time you should check out the twenty questions you can ask yourself to see if you're just like me.

New favorite Psalm.

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
For they will soon fade like the grass 
and withers like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord, 
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.

The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.

Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish - like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the Lord upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken 
or his children begging for bread.
He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.

Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
For the Lord loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.

The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
The Lord will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree.
But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.

Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

--Psalm 37

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Consider the lilies

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

--Matthew 6:25-34

When I think about graduating or am tempted to worry about my future or where I'm going to be, I think about these verses and find great comfort in them. I am made in the image of God. He knows I'll need food, shelter, water, and a job when I graduate. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But we're told to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. When this is our focus, our other needs will be provided.

Interestingly, the thing I prayed and thought about most during NYCUP was my future. I think in that way I had a particularly different experience at NYCUP from most of my other brothers and sisters did. I thought I'd be praying for God's peace, grace and mercy to help me get through the hard work, or to give me strength and energy for the day, or to help me view the students and community at the Bowery the way God views them so that I may learn to love them as He loves them.

Not saying that I didn't pray for those things. But I remember only praying like a 30-second prayer for those things throughout each day, to a point where those things came naturally. It's not very difficult for me to find joy in hard work or work that I need to deny fulfilling my own wants or needs. Although I was waking up at 5:30 every morning and was running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night, I wasn't exhausted to a point where sleep was all I could think about or that I dreaded waking up in the morning, or couldn't perform the day's tasks well. And surprisingly, learning to see and love people the way God does - the thing I was worried about the most and what almost stopped me from applying to NYCUP in the first place - wasn't very difficult, either. It was my thoughts towards the future that caught me a little off-guard.

I kept praying for my eyes and heart to remain open to what God may reveal to me about my future. Throughout the week I kept asking myself things like, "Can I see myself doing this on an everyday basis?" or "What do my attitudes, heart, and actions from this week say about where God may be leading me?" or "What key personal practices, principles, and lessons do I need to take home with me so that I can continue nurturing them?" and "What and how do all of these things affect my future?"

I've been realizing about myself that in terms of future-oriented things, I like to keep my options open. To declare something set in the future makes me nervous because we don't know what the future may hold. We may think we need to go in one direction while really, something could happen in that time frame where God could totally throw us off and point us in a totally different direction. I think I've seen that over and over and over again so many times that it's hard for me to make decisions about the future when I know I don't have all the information. I think I also tend to set my heart on things (don't we all?) when a decision is made about the future, and I've seen how I either freak out or worry or get disappointed when things go wrong or not the way I had planned.

So I guess my mentality has shifted in such a way as to keep all my options open (unless there is a clear indication that one should be closed), expect the unexpected, always be flexible, and try not to set your heart on something so much to a point where you desire that single thing more than to obey God's will and follow His lead. All of which, along with the addition of my poor sense of discernment, my strengths of empathy & harmony, and my semi-low self-confidence in decision-making, make it that much harder to hear God's voice and calling on my life. Or at least, it's all enough for me to doubt.

So that's what I was praying about mostly during NYCUP. There was no clear-cut, "Here, Tammy, this is the direction I want you to go" from God, but there were a number of observations I've made that I'll hopefully share in a future post. I even began to dream a little :] Thankfully, there is still a peace that I know things will work out as I long for God's wisdom, discernment, truth, and direction in my life in the best way I can glorify Him.

I don't know. I don't know anything. People often say that "young people" think they know everything. But I really recognize that I don't. Please pray with me as I continue to seek His direction and affirmation.

Psalm 37:3-7

Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!

Dangerous Men

It was a complete privilege to serve alongside men whose lives were so evidently transformed by God. Most of the staff of the Bowery Mission family had gone through the 6-month recovery program at the Bowery and were offered jobs upon completion.

I say it was a privilege because it was so clear in the way they worked, the way they spoke to us, and the way they served that God had done some tremendous work in their lives. They were examples to me of what it looks like to point everything back to God for His glory.

One of the things that really struck me was the way Scripture permeated whatever they said. They constantly helped us focus on the joy we find in God, His provisions, and His abundance of mercies, love and grace. Everything we did was covered in prayers and praise towards God and His goodness.

In the context of an anecdote he was sharing with us, Jon Walton told us how dangerous it was for a man who only had the Bible to read and read it as if every word were true. That's what I feel like the staff at the Bowery Mission are - dangerous men - because they live each day waking up in order to read God's Word, live in obedience as if every word were true, and give God all the praise and glory.

It's powerful and mesmerizing to be in the presence of people like that, who are tremendously in tune with God. And it's amazing to observe that I didn't have to know what these men's lives looked like beforehand in order to experience and witness the fruit of God's work.

It's motivated me to figure out a way to start memorizing Scriptures again. I've always told myself and others that our lives would look completely different if we actually lived out everything we said we believed in the Bible. The men at the Bowery Mission are living proof of that change. I feel like the huge changes in my life over the past three or four years only scratch the surface to what it looks like to be transformed by the Holy Spirit. I can only begin to imagine how my life would be radically changed if I learned to drench myself in God's powerful Word.

I'll have a "Why" sandwich, but hold the "Because."

I thought it was interesting how yesterday Ethan, someone in my small group, mentioned Gideon during our Bible study of 1 Samuel. My Bible reading for today included the calling of Gideon. And I thought it was very interesting to read:

Summarized context (Judges 6:6): And Israel was brought very low because of Midian. And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.

Judges 6:11-16

Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him, "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor." And Gideon said to him, "Please, sir, if the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt?' But now the LORD has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian."

How often do we think like Gideon? That somehow when things go wrong it's God's character to run away or be absent when the going gets tough. My guess was that Gideon was hurting from all the suffering not only for himself but for his family and his people as well - he says, "why...us?" instead of "why...me?" They were suffering under the hand of the Midianites so much that they were crying to the Lord for help and it seemed like if we were all suffering, God couldn't be there. How often do we see others say, "How could God let these bad things happen?" And how often do we say to God, "Why me? Why is all of this happening to the world around me? Where are the all the good things You promised?" We think that the presence of evil equals the absence of God and that to us it all just isn't fair.

And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?"

Usually when someone asks "why?" you answer with "because." This is where parents usually dig themselves a hole when their kid asks "why?" to a question that the parents either don't want to answer or just don't have the answer to. They end up stumbling over their words or just give their kids the very dissatisfying, "Because I said so."

But God never says in the Bible, "Because I said so."

In fact, even seeing from God's response to Gideon, God doesn't even say, "Because." He just tells Gideon to do something about it. All in one sentence God seems to be saying, "I care about your pain and your family's pain and your people's pain just as much if not way more than you do. But guess what? I'm way ahead of you. I've already thought of a plan - and you get to be a part of it. So stop wallowing in asking the wrong questions and go do something about it."

And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house."

Gideon must have thought God was being absolutely ridiculous. I mean, come on, can you imagine? It's like Gideon was saying, "God, are you kidding me? It's impossible for me to do anything - that's why I asked you why you were putting us through all this suffering in the first place. I feel like I can't do anything about it. It's too big of a task for me to take on."

God was calling Gideon into leadership. How often do we respond to God that way when we see a great need or are asked to "step up"? We tell God all the reasons why we wouldn't be fit for the job: we're not smart enough, we're not brave like that other person, someone else is better suited for it, we're not organized or efficient enough, and the list could go on and on.

We let our weaknesses become our fears. We don't know how it'll all turn out and we're afraid of failing, of disappointing others, of not doing a good enough job. We equate leadership with strength, intelligence and power, and that's everything we don't have or don't have enough of to take on the big task of leading.

But look at God's response:

And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."

We freak out, get anxious and angry, and more often than not complain/whine about God not being around when we're experiencing or witnessing others experience suffering. But really, God cares more about us and others than we do. He wants us and tells us we can do something about it and promises that He'll be with us every step of the way.

From deflated to excited.

It's days like these when I need to remind myself at the end of the day that the world does not rest on my shoulders.

I feel like I've been having a semi-deflating week, with the frustrations of knowing things could be better than they are. I know that I can be an agent of change with my own attitude, but it's hard when everyone else around you feels deflated, too. And it's not one of those, "Oh my gosh I'm going to be bitter and complain all the time and refuse to do anything because I don't feel like I can do anything" kinds of attitudes. It's more like, "I remember that God has big plans for my life and for the world. I trust Him that things will not fall apart and that His vision is worthy to lay my life down for. But what is my part? Where do I go from here to get to there and how do I invite people to come alongside of me?"

However, the key part of my deflating week is that it was only "semi-deflating."

There have been a number of times this weekend where God kind of elbowed me really hard in the stomach.

On Saturday my hospitality team and I got together for our weekly meeting, and after finishing up the last chapter of How to Inherit the Earth, I wanted us to just talk about what it would look like if InterVarsity was successful in carrying out its mission. I don't know about my team, but it got me so excited! What got me even more excited was how Sarah Min had a good idea about something she wanted to see happen at Large Group and then was like, "I'll just try at next week's Large Group." Something I've admired about her is how she loves to dream things up and just goes out and does things to accomplish them. People like me tend to easily dismiss dreams because they seem impractical or too far off to accomplish.

With my curiosity and excitement firing up, I asked Sarah after our meeting what were some of the other things she's been dreaming up for herself. My admiration for her deepened as she shared so easily some of the things she wanted to do and how she had already took some steps in the direction of accomplishing them.

Then she unexpectedly turned the question back to me: "What do you dream about doing lately, Tammy?" I thought about it for a few seconds before saying, "I honestly haven't thought about it." And it was interesting because she said, "I think you should sing somewhere."

Of course, with the mind that I have that most of the time easily dismisses dreams, I started telling her, "There's not many opportunities I find besides talent shows and open mics, and even then I usually only get to play one or two songs." And I joked around that I should hold my own little mini-concert but then dismissed that because I wouldn't like all the attention or pressure - it's something I'd want to share with others.

And that eventually led me to the idea of holding a Benefit Concert to raise money for the NYCUP Spring Break Plunge that me and 19 other people from our chapter are participating in during our March spring break. I knew there were a lot of people in our chapter who may interested in helping us out by performing.

So the idea of planning the event got me really excited as well. I think it'll be really fun and a great opportunity for people to donate.

And...I just miss singing with people and for other people. This gives me a good excuse to say, "Hey, wanna sing with me?"

So even though there are now a bajillion things on my plate (I exaggerate) this week and things just keep popping up, I will not use this space to complain or whine because it will not solve anything and will only bring down the attitude. Blame cannot be labeled on anyone for these things - they're just the way they turned out. That's why I said it's days like these that I need to remind myself that the world does not rest on my shoulders. And besides,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

We have gone astray and desperately want to be found.

My heart has been heavy these past few weeks with this burden for my fellowship. My heart breaks when people share with me their frustrations, their brokenness, and their desperation. My heart breaks when I see people making similar mistakes to the ones I've made in the past. My heart breaks for my roommate and my floormates because I want them to know and experience the hope and joy I have in God. My heart breaks because I care so much about so many people and don't really know how to handle it all. I am brought to my knees to pray again and again.

Fasting with my dad and my sister on Friday for my family was also a fasting for my fellowship to me, and it only punctuated my desire for God to move and deepened my longing for my blood family and my spiritual family to be rejuvenated. There was no particular revelation or enlightenment or clear direction or next steps for me.

At the same time, though my heart breaks there isn't a sense of hopelessness.

Whenever I pray for the fellowship recently I am drawn to pray simple prayers of confession and intercession, but I also walk away reminded of God's character: if my heart breaks out of complete love for my brothers and sisters, how much more does God love them? If I desperately desire deliverance, how much more does God desire it? And because of His omnipotence and omniscience, how much more power does He have to do something about it than me?

Where there is brokenness, there is a hunger and yearning to seek His face, and I am confident in hope and rest in the sweet taste of joy because I know His character has not changed - He keeps His promises and will do anything to bring that one lost sheep back to the other 99.

And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there. They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."

Now I was cupbearer to the king.

-Nehemiah 1:3-11

Paul says it better than me.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

-Romans 5:1-11

Psalm 33

Shout for joy in the LORD, O you righteous!
Praise befits the upright
Give thanks to the LORD with the lyre;
make melody to him with the harp of ten strings!
Sing to him a new song;
Play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.

For the word of the LORD is upright,
and all his work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of the steadfast love of the LORD.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
and by the breath of his mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of hte sea as a heap;
he puts the deeps in storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!
For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.

The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
he frustrates the plans of the people.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever,
the plans of his heart to all genereations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people whom he has chosen as his heritage!

The LORD looks down from heaven;
he sees all the children of man;
from where he sits enthroned he looks out
on all the inhabitants of the earth,
he who fashions the hearts of them all
and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.

Amen.

Psalm 62:5-12

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.

Freedom.

My mom chuckled when I told her this past summer that I got rain boots.

I knew exactly why - when I was little I used to hate rain boots of any kind. I think I hated that they were big and clunky and usually had some kind of insert that would come out every single time I pulled my foot out. It was annoying. So I'd always wear sneakers, the same ones I wore everyday.

Which of course, led me to avoid puddles. No one wants soaking wet socks. And I hated exposing my bare feet to the rain, so I never wore flip flops, either. I like my feet dry, thank you. With non-waterproof shoes, puddles are not pleasant. And they're often hard to avoid, too. Wet socks and wet feet could ruin any day in a heartbeat.

I was thinking today about how puddles are still the same, but I don't hate them like I used to, thanks to my new rain boots. They're still unavoidable at times, but I'm not afraid of puddles like I used to be. I just walk right through them with a newfound confidence, and my feet will come out dry. Sometimes, I even look forward to making a splash.

It's amazing how a simple pair of rain boots could change your perspective on things and give you a sense of freedom you had all along.

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel.

--Colossians 1:21-23b

Oh and also, taking a long walk in the rain with God is one of the most refreshing and awesome things I've experienced in a long time.

Psalm 27

The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation
Of David.
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, "Seek my face."My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."

Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!

comforting verses

so today, just now, as i was spending some quiet time with God, i encountered Him and He brought me comfort.
i read the daily Bible passage from luke that my dad is encouraging us to follow, and then i read from my devotional that mary situ gave to me, and at the bottom of the devotional is always a short Bible passage to read.

today, it was 1 Peter 3:13-15.

i've been putting myself down and been pretty hard on myself lately. i feel like that when i was younger (like elementary school days) i was an edgy, feisty, active kid that always tested my boundaries to see how far they would take me. i mean, come on. when i was about 9 or 10 years old i stole gum from a grocery store in flagstaff, arizona. and then i did it again the next year (same store, different kind of gum). would you believe it if i did something like that today?
so since my younger "bad-girl" years, i've learned where my boundaries are and established them for myself according to where i think God wants them to be (believe me, there still are boundaries that i'm in the process of learning to make), but for many things, i pretty much know where i stand. and i don't want to cross that boundary.
i'm done trying to see how far i can get away with things.

i want to do what's right in God's eyes.

but apparently, sometimes i've taken it to the extreme opposite and make it seem like i look down on other people for not desiring the same thing. gary told me it was an "issue" (i added the quotes, not him). it has come up a few times in the past few weeks. actually, remember the first time i mentioned the whole "pastor's daughter" thing? that was part of it. because it was mentioned again later on.
anyway, so supposedly i make condescending/judging facial expressions sometimes when people say something or do something that might be considered "wrong," i.e. curse, download, drink, cut class. the list could go on. and i'm aware that sometimes i do, but i didn't know it was hurtful to other people or made it seem like i looked down on others.

pam says i do do that sometimes.

maybe i do. maybe it do look down on people and didn't even realize it. but if i do, it's not because i think i'm better than you. i'm not any more righteous than the person next door. i do it because i'm trying to push myself to a certain standard and feel like as Christians, we should all be trying to do the same. i feel like we're becoming more and more numb and desensitized to the things of this world, saying this is alright and that is alright because the majority of people say it's okay.

and i'm not okay with that.

and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. because people think i'm prude and conservative and whatever and i think it's hurts my ministry to the people around me sometimes. but i'm not going to start cursing or start doing "bad" things to make people feel like i'm more human.

so am i supposed to just be okay with my friends cursing around me, filling my head more and more with harsh words that pierce my ears? am i supposed to just not say anything? not react? i don't know if i can do that. but i know that in the end it's their choice to say or do whatever they want.

argh.

so, during all of this confusion and frustration that's been going on, today, like i said, i read 1 Peter 3:13-15 but also skimmed a few verses above it:

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers,
be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

and then i read a little more after verse 15:

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

and i realized that maybe i just wasn't explaining myself. i just reacted. but maybe it was because no one really asked my why i thought what i thought (oh, except boaz once about the whole cursing thing with the posters on his room's door), so i never really explained why i was reacting the way i did.

of course, it doesn't help that people keep looking for my reaction. i can tell now that when someone says something or does something wrong, people are waiting for my reaction, my facial expression to tell it all. some people make it more obvious than others. it gets quite annoying. they think i don't see them, either. but i do. sometimes i want to point out to them that i know they're waiting for my reaction and that i don't appreciate it.

it's ironic how people feel like i'm judging/condescending towards others and yet i feel the same way towards those people.

i'm not trying to be better than everyone else. i'm just trying to better my own self and want others to do the same. i guess it's just the way i go about it isn't good enough. sigh. that's something else i gotta work on i guess.

gary says i can't just keep correcting. i need to correct and encourage as well. and lack in the encouragement department.

which is probably true.

i'm so tired. like literally and mentally and emotionally. i could really use some refreshing encouragement myself. like, this is why i've been so hard on myself lately. i feel like no matter what i do i keep messing up. like, i test my boundaries, that's wrong. i mess up. i try to do good, i try to do what's right. i mess up. i try to play more sports and practice because it's fun and physically good for me. everyone tries to correct me and help me out and i totally understand what their saying and i know what i'm supposed to do to make it right, but i still mess up. my body doesn't seem to coincide with my mind.

okay, okay, okay. i'm gonna stop being hard on myself. it makes it look like i'm looking for pity or sympathy or something. and i will give it my best to try and encourage others, even if it means sacrificing more of my time. i've been trying. i made sam chang and boaz these really elaborate birthday cards to show them how much i cared even though i couldn't get them a present. that week was really hectic, too.

all the while kind of putting my education on the back burner. i almost forgot to register for classes today. and my classwork hasn't been all that much of a priority to me lately.

oh well. the good news is i broke 100 in bowling yesterday! of course, that was only by chance...i'm the most spastic bowler ever.

Psalm 27

for some reason, dating/boys seems to be coming up a lot recently.
some of my close friends just started new relationships, and Pastor Kyle at Twin Orchards started preaching a series on love, sex, and intimacy from the book of Song of Songs. i was talking to a guy-friend yesterday online and he was saying how he was having some girl trouble and asking me if i had my eye on anyone and that if there was a guy that he would have to go through him before anything is established.

get in line, mister. join the ten million other people who told me they have to be in the screening process. at this rate, i think "the one" will be the only one who survives it.

i think "love is in the air."

but, i am not shaken. if anything, i am constantly being reassured by God in His love and His will that i do not need to be anxious about boys or relationships or my future husband anytime soon.
here, even the psalm i read today for my quiet time reaffirmed that:

Psalm 27
Of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
see? how could i ever fear not finding "the one" when God is the stronghold of my life? i am confident that i will see goodness wherever God may lead me, to whomever He may lead me. and i LOVE the last verse because it reminds me to wait and be strong and take heart to wait for God.

and, God & i are working on being the future wife i'm supposed to be for my future husband. it's very exciting :D
it's like, i'm content with myself, but at the same time i'm not settling for the way i am right now. i want to love Jesus more, to be more like him. i want people to see that love pouring out in every aspect of my life.

it's tough. but i'm working on it.

when God reveals to me someone special, i want them to see me genuinely, madly in love with Jesus, just how He is madly in love with me.

and oh, am i starting to fall in love with Jesus. it's a work in progress. i'm getting there.

maybe this is why i feel so funky this semester. love gives you a funky feeling. but really feeling God's love, ohhhhh man. it's beyond funky. it's beyond our imagination :]

if i haven't told you already what the biggest things i've been learning in my life since the start of college, i'll tell you right now. i've been learning to really, truly, genuinely start believing in what i know to be true. putting my heart where my mind is. and oh, is it aligning.

it's so liberating learning everyday to be real to others and to myself.
praise God for His awesome Word, power, and love.

shine like a star

therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed - not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence - continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life - in order that i may boast on the day of Christ that i did not run or labor for nothing.
--philippians 2:12-16

i've read these verses over and over again throughout my life. they've been in my top 10 favorites. but i read them again this beautiful sunday morning for my quiet time with God and it kind of just sunk in.

i want to shine like a star.

i've always wanted to shine like a star but sometimes it would turn into pride or legalism or whatever and i forget the original reason of why i do the things i do or say the things i say. it's because i want to be blameless and pure and have a different attitude towards life than the rest of this crooked and depraved universe.

i don't want to be like the rest of the universe. i am called to be different.

and i think i'd been having a little trouble accepting that. but it's okay! i'm re-accepting my love to be "weird" and desperately want to continue trying to live my life as a star.

it sounds a little cheesy, wanting to "be a star!" and everything, but hey, it's what God tells us to do in the Bible so it's all good :]

i just had to write all of this before i went off to meet up with my brother to go to church!
i love blogging :P