My heart has been heavy these past few weeks with this burden for my fellowship. My heart breaks when people share with me their frustrations, their brokenness, and their desperation. My heart breaks when I see people making similar mistakes to the ones I've made in the past. My heart breaks for my roommate and my floormates because I want them to know and experience the hope and joy I have in God. My heart breaks because I care so much about so many people and don't really know how to handle it all. I am brought to my knees to pray again and again.
Fasting with my dad and my sister on Friday for my family was also a fasting for my fellowship to me, and it only punctuated my desire for God to move and deepened my longing for my blood family and my spiritual family to be rejuvenated. There was no particular revelation or enlightenment or clear direction or next steps for me.
At the same time, though my heart breaks there isn't a sense of hopelessness.
Whenever I pray for the fellowship recently I am drawn to pray simple prayers of confession and intercession, but I also walk away reminded of God's character: if my heart breaks out of complete love for my brothers and sisters, how much more does God love them? If I desperately desire deliverance, how much more does God desire it? And because of His omnipotence and omniscience, how much more power does He have to do something about it than me?
Where there is brokenness, there is a hunger and yearning to seek His face, and I am confident in hope and rest in the sweet taste of joy because I know His character has not changed - He keeps His promises and will do anything to bring that one lost sheep back to the other 99.
And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."
As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there. They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."
Now I was cupbearer to the king.
-Nehemiah 1:3-11
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