Radio of Songs and Thoughts in my Mind

This morning it was a fight to get up
Those words still ringing in my head
I never felt like such a fool in front of anyone
I guess that's what you do when you love someone.

If I fall, I'll try a little harder to get back up
Please stay by me, love,
That's what you do when you love someone.
That's what you do when you love someone.

When You Love Someone // _Bethany Dillon

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned, lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take.

Just Give it Time // _Jon McLaughlin

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

Beautiful Disaster // _Jon McLaughlin

"I give up"
Are the words on the sign
I'm tempted to put
On the door
To the thoughts
Of my mind.
Lock them up,
Swallow the small hard-earned key,
Roll with the punches,
Take the heat
Give it time
Let it be.

"Yet even now," declares the Lord,
Return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the Lord your God,
for He is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.
--Joel 2:12-13

Take Two.

Alright. Maybe God is saying, "Look, Tammy. I love you. You need to learn to trust me. I've put these things on your plate because I know you can do something with them and in doing so, I will transform your life so that you will make an impact like no other. Please, I'm not taking these things away from you. I'm giving you a chance to take them deeper. Don't give up on them. Don't give up on Me. Trust Me. Don't throw away or bury the gifts I've given you - take them and use them well."

I'm tired of guessing.

But I'm not a failure. God is not looking for my accomplishments. He's looking for me.
Insecurities just won't cut it anymore.
Trying doesn't count because I'm not running on my own strength.
He's not asking me to tread water or search for a floatation device. He's asking me to swim in the direction He's calling me to go.

Digging.

I just keep digging myself a nice big hole, don't I?
I dig it all out, call it dirt, throw it back in to fill the hole, only to jump right back in to dig it all out again.
Apologies just never seem to cut it. I think I've started to avoid them.
I want to use words I've heard, words that were told to me to use a scapegoat, to put blame upon, but I know only I am to blame.

I think I've been believing the lies I hear.
And I don't know what to do about it because whatever I come up with never seems enough.

I won't let deep waters stop me.

I don't understand a lot of things.
But I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to trust Him.

But with little time to breathe I'm swimming my hardest on God's strength through this deep end of the ocean.
I'm swimming in deep waters which I hate, but know it happens.
My limbs are weakening but I push forward.
I can see the surface, so I'm going to swim as if I'm already breaking through, breathing the fresh air like I've never breathed before.

I'm still in deep waters even though I'm aware that I am and am trying to get out.
Being aware doesn't make things easier.
It's not in my control.
None of it is.
I know because saying something doesn't make a difference.
Defending myself does nothing.
They don't know what God knows.
All I can do is do my best to obey His voice.
I won't let my people-pleasing side get the best of me.

But even then when I think I am hearing His voice, I am deceived.

It may feel like swimming with balls and chains, hopeless and pointless,
But I know that hope never ceases.
Though I may feel deceived, He will not let me drown.
His truth will set me free.

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimmming.

Romans 5:1-11

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through out Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only so this, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.