Phan for a day.

Who knew that a trip down to Philadelphia for a Phillies game would provoke some blog-worthy thoughts?

Actually, it's not very unusual and, well, seems rather normal or expected for me to get a little introspective on a 2-3 hour road trip going down to Philly and a traffic-ridden ride heading back to NYC.  So I don't know why I'm surprised.  But I am.

My dad, Pam, and I headed down at 7am this morning to make it to the 9:30 service at Chinese Christian Church & Center (CCC&C - yup...the crazy Asian-American church acronyms don't exist only in NYC!) in the Chinatown area of Philadelphia.  

Along the way, we confirmed the following:

• If it's a hit or miss with pinpointing what someone's Myers-Briggs Personality Type is, then I always miss. I may get close, but I always miss.
• My dad is an ISTJ.  Which explains a lot.

This was pretty much all we talked about on the way down to Philly.  We pulled out Pam's Droid phone and had my dad take the personality test orally.  Some statements were pretty funny to me and Pam because we knew what the answer would be to some of them without having to wait for my dad's answer.

Just for the record, we went to see what the Citizens Bank Field looked like and wanted to watch the Phillies play.  We didn't wear any Yankee gear, but we did wear navy blue colors, and since we decided not to wear Yankee caps, we had to find alternatives to protect our heads from the sun.  My dad wore a stadium cap, Pam wore and NFL cap she got from work, and I wore my cowboy hat.  It was great - we didn't look like we were from out of town at all.  Anyway, the Phillies played a great game against the Athletic As, the weather was great, we like the stadium, and we ate some very yummy cheesesteaks.  Also, we were glad we decided to become subtle Yankee fans for the day because people booed Hideki Matsui every time he was up at bat, and we sat right in front of some very expressive Yankee-haters.  Oh, and I particularly enjoyed the kind of music and programming the Phillies had at the stadium, including their Phanatic mascot.  He was SO funny and entertaining to watch.  In my opinion he tops the B-Mets Bingo the Bee :]

But on the drive back home, I was thinking about a lot of stuff (of course) and was thinking about how I make decisions and the difficulties that each choice may entail.

Now for some of you who are reading this and know me well, this is not a new issue for me.  For those of you who are anonymously stalking me or may not know me as well, let me explain.  This is what I was thinking about this afternoon and so I haven't drawn any conclusions or made any other realizations since then.  

I expect to encounter difficult situations, endure through difficult circumstances, and to be skeptical about things that seem too easy or when things are just handed to me.  What I've figured out is why I think this way: a) we live in a broken world, which means there will be suffering and life will be hard, b) you often grow more deeply in character and in perspective when you are challenged beyond your control, c) I see how others suffer through way worse circumstances than me and I don't think I deserve to have anything better, d) I've found that it's easier to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst so that the drop between what is ideal and what is reality doesn't hurt as much, plus, e) people who usually think they know it all frequently find that they in fact may know very little, and I don't want to be one of those people.  I try to remind myself often enough that I don't know everything.

But then, growing up with this mentality that everything should be hard, that I can't and shouldn't expect to get everything I want has more often than not led me to make decisions based on what sounds to be the more difficult and challenging task with the black-and-white mentality that it was wrong for me to want to take the easier route.  And then on top of all of that, when the tasks ended up being difficult, I'd re-focus on God and His character, suck it up, try to be open and flexible, and came out from the situations having learned some lessons and deepening my character in some positive way, all of which only affirmed my conclusions that the more difficult road taken is always the better one.  

But I struggle with this and throughout college even tried to find a healthy balance as well because there's somewhere in my head that knows that this philosophy isn't always necessarily true.  Following God isn't about always choosing what appears to be the more difficult path to me.  Following God is about obeying Him and devoting my life to Him.  There are circumstances, decisions, and relationships that will be difficult, but that doesn't mean it'll be difficult in the way that I expect them to be, or that they have to produce suffering in order to be worthy of anything.

So when I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about what in great heavens I had experienced growing up that had ingrained this mentality so much, or that had tapped into this part of my personality so strongly, and I wonder what to do about this issue that keeps coming up in order to be kept in check and make sure I'm obeying God (and not myself or others) and being a little more objective as well.

As I've been writing this out, a few things came to mind.  I realize how this philosophy may have shaped me to be who I am today more than I thought it might have.  Also, I realize when making a decision boils down to choosing between what's more difficult and what's easier, or what I want or don't want to do, I think it points to the possibility that I've lost sight of the bigger picture.  If following God is not essentially about what's easy or hard, then my decision should be based on my devotion to follow where God leads me.  I need to pray that I would adhere to God's vision for the world and for my life and that essentially God wants me to devote myself to Him out of a willingly obedient heart.  I need to refocus and keep my eyes and heart on Him and His character and how He will always be faithful even when we are not.  

Yowza, that's a mouthful.  Especially after having nothing to write about for so long.

Blank pages.

Not much has been going on lately.  I've been uninspired to write...anything.  Songs, stories, blog posts, journal entries.

Things are not much fun when this happens.

I need a spark, a boost, a shove...something :\

Tribute to Mrs. Hamilton.

I was recently tagged on Facebook in my 4th grade class photo.  Thankfully, it's one of class pictures I actually like and ironically, I was tagged in it by the girl I used to have a sort of rivalry with.  I'm not really sure how it started, but I remember she used to say mean things to me and I would sometimes cry because I knew it wasn't right to say anything mean back, so I got really frustrated.  She was pretty smart, too, so I'd sort of compete with her to get the right answers or high grades or sort of be the favorite.  And then in the fifth grade we were in different classes and stopped talking until we got our autograph books at the end of the year and signed each other's saying genuinely nice things to each and apologizing.  She lives in Florida and recently got engaged.  Craziness!

Without cheating, can you spot me?

I also liked that I was tagged in my fourth grade class picture because Mrs. Hamilton was possibly my favorite teacher of all time.  She's a teacher I think about every once in a while, wondering what she'd say to me or how awesome our relationship would be if she was still alive.  I was telling my mom I was tagged in the picture and told her I miss Mrs. Hamilton and think that if she was still alive she'd definitely be a teacher I'd stay in touch with and grow to become really good friends with.

She was one of those really tough teachers that pushed you hard because they really believed you could do more than you think you could but was wise and gentle and you knew that she loved you.  I remember I was a little scared when I found out I was in her class because I heard rumors that she wore a wig and gave the most work and was the hardest of all the 4th grade teachers.  And it was true - even though we were only in the fourth grade she gave us 20 pages of math homework almost every day, made us take notes (like lectures in college) while she told us about history, made us memorize poems every week and tested us, even making us recite them on bus rides during class field trips.  I still remember bits of some of them.

She was a really great teacher.  I could go on and on about her.  

I remember sitting in science class in the 6th grade the day after my mom told me Mrs. Hamilton had died from cancer.  It was the first time I had ever really been in a foggy daze.  I chose not to pay attention to what was being taught.  I didn't take any notes.  I just thought about Mrs. Hamilton.  

I was thinking about her recently not only because of the photo but because as I've begun fundraising for InterVarsity, she came to mind as someone I know who'd support me in some way, shape, or form.  I wish I could give her a call to talk to her and tell her all of the exciting things that are going on in my life.  

I miss her.

Summer endeavors.

Remember my chicken salad post?  Well, ever since then I've been documenting the food I've been making this summer, whether it's dinner or baked goods or snacks.  I've been wanting to post them up on this blog, but I was in the middle of working on my previous post and got stuck so many times that I haven't had the chance.

So, here's what I've made so far.  Most of these I made for the first time.

Chocolate bundt cake

First time making this!  It came out looking a lot better than I thought it would, but it also turned out really dense.  Pam and my dad apparently did not find that appealing and did not eat it.  My mom and I thought it was okay, but between the two of us (Sam doesn't really eat baked goods/desserts too much...or just stuff I make) we couldn't eat it all and since it had sour cream in the batter and I didn't refrigerate it, it grew some mold and we ended up throwing half of it out.  Fail.

Thai chicken with peanut sauce

My first attempt at Thai cuisine!  I was really in the mood to try making a peanut sauce, and my mom has this really good Thai cookbook that has simple but yummy recipes.  I loved the way they told me to make the chicken!  It was so simple - boil water, take the water off the heat, and dump the chicken in the water and leave it covered for a few minutes.  Then voila, super moist chicken.  I made the red peppers and onions without a recipe (hooray for me attempting to improvise/approximate!) and added a little cayenne pepper for some kick.

Red bean ice cream

This was made upon request (or demand, depending on your perspective :P) by my sister Pam.  My dad got me this ice cream maker during my sophomore year of high school, when I wanted to give my JROTC (Junior Reserved Officers Training Corps) speech on the history and development of ice cream.  I wanted to give my audience actual tastes of homemade ice cream, and I asked my dad (half jokingly) if I could get one.  It still shocks me that he actually got it for me.  I'm blessed to have such a generous dad.

Using this ice cream maker is super easy.  You have to freeze the bowl at least overnight, and then follow the instructions for whatever the ice cream batter (?) is.  The actual time for making the ice cream in the machine is like 20-25 minutes.  Most of the recipes have pretty similar instructions, just different ingredients.  My dad also got me a few ice cream books, including Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream Book and The Ultimate Ice Cream Book, but I love that the Ultimate one has all the more unique recipes, including ones like Red Bean ice cream and Avocado ice cream.  

Lemonade

I love lemonade.  My mom started making this particular homemade lemonade last summer when she found a recipe from Paula Deen on the Food Network.  Always makes me think of the first line in Jon McLaughlin's song, Beautiful Disaster because I really do love my momma's lemonade.

Earl grey tea cookies, corn & black bean salad, pumpkin bread (with cream cheese filling)

Tea parties are awesome.  They can be formal or informal, you don't have to eat heavy foods, and you can enjoy tasty drinks and lights snacks with good company.  And it gives me an excuse to host people and catch up with friends all at the same time.  I invited some ladies from my church over to my house because I hadn't talked to them in so long and sadly, church just doesn't provide the environment or right space to do that.  We had our first one during our winter break and it was so successful that I just had to hold another one :]

So I know that Mindy, one of the girls who came over, has a really bad allergic reaction to nuts - the taste and the smell.  And whenever I bake for the masses, I have to be aware that I shouldn't bake goods with nuts in them.  This can get to be quite difficult, especially for treats that go well with tea, as many recipes call for some form of nuts...or at least would taste better with them.  But I found this recipe for earl grey tea cookies and I absolutely loved baking (and eating!) them.  It was funny because when I was looking through our enormous stock of various teas, I thought it was ridiculous that we could have a bajillion types of teas and not one of them was earl grey.  Apparently my mom had a secret stash under the microwave.  Shh...don't tell her I told you!  The tea cookies were almost like shortbread cookies, except a little more moist and had a really interesting light taste with the tea leaves.  And they were so easy to make.  I have to make them again.  My family didn't get to try any of them because they were all gone by the time the ladies left.

The corn & black bean salad has always been a favorite in the Chan house ever since my mom introduced it.  It's super easy (just mixing some ingredients together), and it can pass as a topper to a plain lettuce salad, can exist as a salad by itself, or can be used as a salsa-like dip and tastes great with tortilla chips.  That's how we ate it at the tea party.  I figured we needed something cool and refreshing for our mouths besides baked goods on that glacier-melting kind of day.

Tangy pork loin (made in a slow cooker/crock pot)

Ooh, I was particularly excited about this one.  I made this today.  I've been wanting to try and make something in a crock pot/slow cooker because I love the concept of it:  you chop up/prepare some raw food, throw them in a pot, turn it on, and leave it alone until the end of the day when it's time to eat!  I'm totally a morning person so I can see myself making dinner in the morning when I'm most functional and less lazy as opposed to the idea of coming home from a long day and having to cook.  With my first time doing this, I was able to prepare the food in the morning after my driving lesson, throw the ingredients into the pot, go over to Libby's house for a few hours in her nice cool basement on this sticky hot day, and then come back home where dinner was served.  Well, not quite.  I made rice and thickened the gravy and let the roast cool and had to cut it and everything (it's more difficult than it looks), but it was pretty much done.  

I've made some other dinners like pasta and such, too, so this isn't entirely everything I've made.  These are just the ones I think should get special attention.  But I'm having fun cooking and documenting my endeavors. Can't you tell?

So...are you hungry yet?

I'm rich.

It's amazing how I rarely go shopping - and when I do, I try to have some self-control - and yet I look at my closet and my dresser drawers, and they're overstuffed with clothes.  What baffles me even more is that I could name a whole bunch of different kinds of clothing that I could claim I "need" and then go out and buy them.

I was thinking about it because I was thinking about how if I'm having trouble closing my drawers here at home, there's no way all of my clothes are going to fit in the tiny dresser and closet in my new apartment in Binghamton.  And I thought:  how in great heavens did this happen?

In terms of material things, I find that early on in my life my I learned to change my attitude from focusing on what I don't have to focusing on what we do have and then being thankful for them, but it wasn't until the last couple of years where I've begun to see that that kind of attitude isn't enough, and that it can even lead to a source of pride, that somehow I'm better than others who have more.  And that's not right, especially since God cares more about my heart and the kind of attitude it provides a home for more than the stuff I have or don't have.

I don't have much compared to some people, but who's yardstick am I using?  

I feel like God keeps challenging me with the story of the rich young man, who had it all together except the willingness to give everything he had away to the poor.  He challenged me with that all while He was calling me towards joining InterVarsity staff, asking me if I was willing to give up my security, comfort, and sell everything I had to follow Him.  

The beginning of this summer and the start of raising support for my ministry has made me really consider my attitudes towards money and possessions and how I often view the money in my bank account and my wallet as well as my material possessions as mine without even question.

I know in my head that all that I have is by the grace of God and that they are entrusted to me so that I may use it for His glory and furthering His kingdom, bringing restoration to the world.  I've been taking steps over my time in college to actually start putting that attitude into practice, but I think He's taking it to a deeper level for me, as if He's calling me out on what I've known for so long.

Eh, I don't know if I'm explaining this well on this post.  I feel like there is too much I'd need to tell to give a fuller explanation.

Groundstrokes with Optimism.

I've been wondering about my natural sense of optimism these past couple of days.  

And as these things usually go in the mind of this introvert, it looks a lot like a tennis match.  I have these little debates with myself because to me my optimism makes sense - holding on to my hope in Christ is what got me through heartaches and brokenness - but part of me sometimes gets caught in a wave of doubt.  Am I being naive?  Am I just trying to make myself feel better?  Am I just trying to make others feel better when the reality is that I need to take my positive outlook down a notch?  Can so little really do so much?

But it's little things like these - these little signs of life - that make me want to tap you on the shoulder and point to them, not to say, "See?  I told you so!" but instead to say, "See?  Isn't it beautiful?"

I believe in a mighty God that is bigger than me and knows more than me.  I believe in a powerful God that loves His creation and will do anything to seek what is lost and restore what is broken.  And stays true to His unchanging character even when we leave our faith behind.