Get off the sidelines.

I've been thinking about how poor my story-writing skills, with my 2-D characters and predictable plot-lines. It's interesting how my unrealistic characters and stories from my 9-year-old writing days has still carried on with me to my 20-year-old writing days.

I think I don't have a good grasp on how complex people are. I guess I take what I see, hear, and feel and don't really process how things change with every situation over time. People don't necessarily react to different things the same way all the time. We put people into categories to try and tangibly hold something, anything, in understanding their humanness and the unique being that God created them to be.

No matter how long you've known someone, you constantly need to keep learning about them. I think that's why I've always liked reading/following any kind of series with books or television shows. Because I like to see if the characters will react the way I predict, or surprise me completely. I like seeing how they grow from one situation to another. It's what makes a character complex and realistic.

But I think for me I've been self-absorbent, waiting for those learnt experiences to be offered to me on a platter all nice and prettied up. That's the thing about book series or tv series - I wait in anticipation for the next one, the next lessoned to be learned. But in life it doesn't work that way - time keeps going whether you're caught up or not. Sometimes those complexities will happen on their own. The rest of the time you have to be the one to look for it, to cut beneath the skin and straight to the heart.

For too long in terms of characters and writing, I have sat down on the sidelines and people-watched, thinking that was the answer. I gave up and thought the only way to really learn about people was by observing - observing their actions, who they interact with and how they react. Even just observing how the "pros" do it - reading more books, reading more about how authors write and get into writing mode, etc.

But writing is just like a sport - you need to learn by watching, but you really build up muscles and skill by practicing, which entails falling down and getting back up, not getting it the first time.

I can tell you that I think in order to create great characters you need to observe, constantly ask probing questions, and really get inside their head and their heart, but I'd need to try it out myself to see if it really works or not.

In order to see their real character, I constantly need to probe and learn from first-hand experience who they are and how/why they think/do things, instead of assuming I know it all just by watching from the sidelines.

Boy, does He answer prayers.

God answered the prayer I blogged yesterday and the prayer I prayed right after that post.

My fears haven't left me, but God reminded me of who He is.
He brought me excitement when I received an email asking for a phone interview after receiving my application for a summer internship.
He reminded me that it was not me or my credentials, but His power and His work that led me to where I am.
As I shared some plans/ideas that I had for my responsibilities in InterVarsity with Pam last night, I grew more excited, reading through some practical instructions to carry them out that God provided through a Chapter Building manual. I'm not crazy after all.
God provided some possible people who could take my guitar up to school for me.
God connected me with a cousin I have wanted to get in touch with for a while.
An old friend finally called me back.

God reminded me that I will not know what tomorrow will bring, that He provides exactly what I need to know to obey Him.
God reminded me that taking a leap of faith was taking a risk, and required trust - I needed to let go of my own control.
God reminded me that I was hand-picked by Him to serve on E-board, that, just as I read this morning that God had chosen Abraham "so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what He has promised him," just as He chose me.

He didn't say, "Because Abraham is perfect or at least the closest to it," or, "Because Abraham has the best abilities to carry out my instructions," or, "Because Abraham does this or is that," but because God chose him.

I believe that God chose me. When God says to follow His lead, He means it. It doesn't mean to take my own path or handle things my way but to follow His familiar voice.

God chose me even though I do not feel fit to be chosen.
He sees me as chosen.
He sees me.

Not really ready.

I have mixed feelings now about going back to school.
I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do here at home.
I was pretty excited before, but I think fear has come over me.
I'm going to miss my family. We've come a long way.
I don't want to repeat last semester, but I fear this semester is going to be harder.
Something big is coming this semester. I can feel it in my bones. I don't know how to prepare myself.
Responsibilities are ready to imprison me again.
I want to read. I didn't get to read as many books as I would've liked. I won't have as much time to read when I go back to school.
I fear losing myself in my tasks rather than in the art of losing myself in giving Him praise.
I'm tired of travel. My room has become my comfort zone. I know I must step out of it.
I miss Pam. I wish she didn't have to work so much.
I fear being on E-board more than last year. It's just different.
I need to adjust to changes.
I'm afraid of failing. But I don't want false hope.

My sovereign Father God of all creation and heaven above,
I need You.
I need to be reminded that You are with me.
Though I am weak, though I am young, You believe in me.
You've always chosen the underdog, the ones looked down upon in society to shine through it all.
You've always made things happen through those who humbled themselves - who knew their place but still rose when You called their names.
Father I fear what lies ahead because I cannot see in the darkness.
But You shine through me, and I know Your character.
In my eyes I have fallen short, but in Your eyes I have already achieved.
The devil uses my fear to bind me to lies - You use my fears to break through the lies and feed me the truth.
You carry me through.
You provide for me the very best, even when I mess up trying, just how You made animal skins for Adam and Eve to replace their measley fig-leaf clothing, after they had broken Your heart.
I am confident in Your promise never to forsake me.
You are here with me now.
I'll follow where You lead.
Amen.

An offspring of Abram.

I don't think I've ever told you, but I've really grown to LOVE reading the Bible :D

It's interesting because I think about how I used to have to really discipline myself to read the Word, and even then I'd be like...ugh, what's the point? Reading the Bible seemed like a tedious process. Even going through the Map & Compass track at Expedition, where I practiced intense manuscript/inductive studying, I learned a lot but had no idea how to go about digging in on my own.

I constantly asked myself, "How am I to bring all of what I do and learn from studying the Bible with a group of people (especially my small group) to my own personal quiet time?" The process of circling, underlining, and drawing connections seemed to take too long. I knew I wasn't the sharpest tool in box, so I expected to draw nothing new from the texts without being asked good questions or jumping off the input of other people. I didn't want to interpret the Word wrong. History interests me and I find it important, but the history of each book of the Bible seemed way over my head. Plus, it would take more time to look up the historical background of each passage I studied.

But, all you readers, I am a living testimony that it is possible! Reading the Word on your own and finding meaning and truth from the Scriptures, while also applying it to your own life is possible and completely thrilling :]

I'm telling you all of this because I wanted to share a little bit of what God showed me this morning.

My family and I are reading together through the whole Bible...and we're doing it in 3 years. Now if you didn't know, this is I believe...our fourth attempt to read through the entire Bible together as a family. It first started when my dad gave each of us this Read-Through-the-Entire-Bible kind of book for Christmas a few years ago. We were supposed to follow the guide and since we were all doing it, we'd be going at the same pace. It worked for a while...but then the guide started asking us to skip parts or skim parts instead of reading through them, and I think most of us kind of fell behind or gave up. We tried a bunch of different plans but each time I personally (I don't know about the rest of my family) didn't keep up, nor did I want to.

But in any case, my family started over this year (for my sake), and we're following a hand-made guide (my dad found some sort of program that helps you make one up...but he also put a picture of our family on the cover. sigh -_-) where we read a chapter (or two at most) each day, with the weekends free for catching up or doing something different from the plan, to read the entire Bible in three whole years.

We're up to Genesis 14-15, where Abram goes to rescue Lot from captivity in chapter 14, and chapter 15 where God makes His covenant with Abram. It's the part before the covenant I wanted to focus on.

So I'm reading Genesis 15 and it says this (v.3-6):
And Abram said, "Behold, you have given me no offspring, and a member of my household will be my heir." And behold, the word of the Lord came to him: "This man shall not be your heir, your very own son shall be your heir." And he brough him outside and said, "Look toward the heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." And he believed the Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.

As I'm reading this I'm thinking something like, "Oh gosh. Abram's worried. He wants to see God's promise to him come true, but he's getting a bit impatient. He's thinking in the here and the now, and right now his son is not here."
But God shows him the stars and asks him to count them. To me, this is like God giving Abram a visual. As I was reading this I was like, "Hey, I'm a visual learner! Look, I'm just like Abram." And I just imagine Abram in the middle of this desert, in this darkness, staring up at the beautiful night sky without a single cloud, at all the stars blanketing the darkness.
Hahahaha I wonder if Abram would actually try and see how many he would count before he messed up or gave up :P

And I imagine Abram just staring in awe, thinking, "Wow, this is too much for me to count!" And God saying, "So shall your offspring be." And Abram making the connection that he had a role in something bigger than anything he could count or imagine. There was no way Abram could easily solve this "problem" by saying Eliezer of Damascus was going to be his heir. Abram was thinking too small and too immediate. It wasn't time for Abram to know exactly who or how or when God was going to fulfill His promise. Maybe Abram was a detail-oriented person like me, hehe. But in any case, God gave Abram a "tangible" visual of His bigger picture to someone who thought he was too small to make any small difference.

See where I'm going with this?? ;P

So, when I read this and thought about it, I immediately thought of Urbana. Instead of God pulling me outside to count the stars one night in St. Louis, He stopped me and pointed to the thousands and thousands of people in the Edward Jones Dome every single night for five nights, saying, "Look toward heaven, and number my beloved creation, if you are able to number them. These are the ones who will carry out my good work." I could never count how many people were there...and I also knew that God's people who were carrying out God's good work wasn't just limited to the thousands at Urbana. Just like Abram, God was giving me a "tangible" visual of His bigger picture. By keeping this picture in mind, it makes what I do and say in my home neighborhood as well as my campus at Binghamton all the more significant. No longer am I serving God to carry out the vague, bigger picture that I can't wrap my mind around.

I believe the Lord and what He is doing, even though I cannot measure my significance right here and now. He has placed me where I am and is making me who I am to carry out significant work for Him. I am assured that God will carry out what He has promised to all of us.

I am a star shining in the darkness, one of Abram's offsprings.

High School Blues

I'm not sure if this post is what you think it is, but we'll see.

This week I was knocked on the head again with the High-School-Flashback Pixie Stick. I had one mere opportunity to hang out for about an hour with my friend Justin, who called me and asked last-minute if I'd visit Francis Lewis High School, my alma mater, to say high to the Army Instructors (AIs) of the JROTC program. I did just send them my family Christmas letter, but I wasn't prepared to visit them within the fifteen minutes Justin was going to come pick me up. I felt funny, even though I had visited them a number of times within the last few years, because as I returned again and again each year, there were less faces I recognized and less who cared about me...except the AIs. But I did enjoy seeing the AIs and knew they liked it when I dropped by to say hello. And I knew if I didn't go now with Justin, I probably wouldn't make the time the rest of the week to say hello.

So what struck me during my visit was how these thoughts and feelings started rushing back from the last few times I had visited Franny Lew. The last time I visited last year and the year before that, my eyes were opened to how I didn't let people see God and how He was the driving force in my life. I tried to be as kind, patient, and nice with as much integrity as I could to try and hold my life together - to be strong for everyone else who was falling apart. But some of them couldn't see Him. I stood in the way of His glory.

As I stood in the hallway right outside the JROTC classroom with Justin asking 1SG small-talk questions about people in JROTC that I should've known, I thought about how many opportunities I had let me slip by to really care about the souls and lives of my fellow JROTC leaders and all who followed me. And I let myself be praised for my "perfection" and "good heart" without pointing back to God. I absorbed His glory and kept it for myself without desiring to really get to know those He loves and taking it home with me as soon as the day was over.

I cared about those who cared about me and thank God He was working through me in my weaknesses and lack of training as He was pursuing my good friends Raymond, Mary, and Priscilla. It was totally God and not me that brought them closer to Him. But it was hard for me to care about those who didn't pursue me as a friend, and I didn't even bother to try because I was so scared. I avoided the opportunities God had given me to reach more of those who needed Him.

I was looking around at my high school with new eyes, where all I saw were lost souls and how much I wished I could go back and share with my peers the things I've struggled with and the things I've learned from His persistence.

Having dinner with an old high school friend further crushed me, as we asked each other about how we're doing and I tried sharing with him about my experience at Urbana. We got around to talking about life, the purpose for it and all the evil the surrounds us. I kept asking him questions but listened to him as well, but I also tried with as much love and grace to point out the contradictions and inconsistencies he had in his thoughts about life. I prayed and prayed for God to work through me as we talked.

My heart completely sunk, though, that whenever I shared about God, he'd say, "Oh, Tamaria. I'm glad to see you're the same Tamaria I knew in high school."

Could he really not see how different I was since high school? How much courage from God was needed for me to even be talking to him about God? How much I cared about him but how much more God cared about him?

I was confident by the end of the night when he said, "I know what you're trying to say, but I just can't buy it," that I needed to trust God in His mighty works. It was never about me the moment I called my friend up to meet with me. It was never about me the moments I shared about God with him. It was never about whether or not anything I said got through to him. It was up to God.

Maybe I should've or could've said things in a different way, with a different approach. Maybe I needed to call him more often. Maybe I needed to pray for him more often. In any case, as I prayed later on that night after I returned home, I didn't worry. I knew God was pursuing him and that He was using me despite my weaknesses and maybe lack of eloquence or profound enlightenment. It seemed impossible for his stubborn soul to be saved, but if God chose him, he would be - no matter how much or how long it took. So I will wait on Him. I will pray big and bold for him to the God who is sovereign over all, creator, and revealer. And I am confident that He will answer in His time.

P.S. I didn't mean in my previous Urbana/Room Swap post that I didn't want to talk about Urbana! I'm sorry. I meant that I felt like it was expected for my next post to be about Urbana, but there was just too much to share for me to write all about it. I wanted my Urbana experience to permeate through my life and through my blog posts, rather than saying, "Here's what happened at Urbana. That is what happened there and that is where it is going to stay. The End." Plus, I'd rather talk about it in person with you than have you read it here and then not ask me about it at all when we talk. Also, I am still processing some things. I'm sorry for the miscommunication!

Writing Cover Letters and Washing Dishes

The title of this post includes two things I really don't like doing. No particular reason why I brought that up. Just wanted to put that out there, even though you all probably already knew I don't like washing dishes because I've blogged about it a million times before. Sorry. The "writing cover letters" one should be a new one to throw in there.

Will thinks I should make a blog for all my funny quotes that I put on my Facebook. I think it's a good idea because then it'll give me more space to write them! And they are quite entertaining. Good idea? Bad idea? Blog name ideas?

Quote of the Day:
Pam: Tammy, do you want to be my secretary?
Me: Right now?
Pam [in a serious tone]: No, forever.
Me: ......
Pam: I promise I'll pay you and love you forever.

Urbana/Room Swap

To be honest, I don't want to recap my Urbana experience, nor do I want to explain how I felt during our family room swap. They have been implemented into a slice of my life, with God permeating through both week-long events, so I will reference both from time to time, but I probably won't go as in depth as much as I'd like to. I would've liked to blog as soon as I got back from Urbana and each day that progressed our room swap, but it didn't happen, so there you have it.

Plus, something I'm determined to see happen is that I would not just talk about the things I've learned, but that if my life was truly changed, then you will see it through my writing and through my life.

In other words, I don't want to just talk the talk, nor do I want to just walk the walk. I want to walk the talk. If that even makes any sense.

More to come.