I don't know if it's because I drank a cup of green tea just before bed, or because there's a very loud band playing at the bar across the street and they've left the door open so that it sounds like the band is right outside my open window, or because of the fact that my husband won't be home for the next six days, but I'm suddenly very awake and can't go to sleep.
I've washed my face and in the meantime, the band seems to have put away their drumsticks and guitar amps for now. But being this awake made me think about things I think about and how I've been having such a hard time writing any blog posts lately because they'd just all be loose ends. Maybe if I write them down they'll eventually become inspirations for new posts.
My fear and discomfort with asking people for things - which covers everything from ordering pizza or helping me in some way - has been recently re-surfacing. It was going to be the topic of this next blog post, but I've already spent nearly two weeks on it and I still have no closing thoughts.
I still have not been connecting with God the way I used to, and even though I've stopped trying to keep up my old ways, I've lacked the motivation and inspiration to try new ways of connecting with God. I also realize I lack the faith that God is pursuing me and is with me, even though I know in my head that He is.
Today I led a couple of my freshmen students through a discussion around what's the most difficult part of committing to following Jesus - sacrificing comforts or desires, finding Jesus' purpose for me, or following through with my decisions until they are complete. And I found myself steering towards the second, as I thought about how I am average at many things and not great or passionate in any particular focus enough to discipline myself to develop my interests and skills further. I like singing, I like baking, I like planning parties, I like hosting others, I like reading, I like taking pictures, I like blogging, and so on, but I am not particularly dedicated to any one of those things, not even in small ways on a regular basis. I feel paralyzed and stuck with my gifts and purposes. It's discouraging and nothing new.
I've also been mulling over my ongoing naivete about best friends. For some reason, ever since I was extremely young, I had this solid core belief ingrained in me that it was possible and desirable to have a best friend for life. And maybe this belief was reinforced by shows or movies I watched, books I read, or relationships I've observed, but nonetheless, out of this belief came my deep value over my close friendships. I knew I would get hurt, and I knew I would hurt them at some point. But I invested myself wholly because I believed that if we could get past the hardships together, we would make it as best friends. The hardships would make us stronger. But somewhere along the way, my belief in lifetime best friends broke. And as I let myself hope again and gained back my belief, it broke again. Healing came, but with so many we've come out the other side as friends - some, good friends - but no longer as best friends. We've stood the test of forgiveness but couldn't stand the subtle test of time and change. And now, in a completely different phase of life, with no nearby old friends and the difficulty of making new ones, there's this yearning to again build upon the belief that it's possible to have a best friend (different from my husband). At the same time, there's this part of me that wants to say, "Why bother?"
This year I've noticed that I've reverted back to my usual shy-person-taking-forever-to-adjust-to-her-new-surroundings-and-not-be-as-shy phase that has typically occurred when I enter a new school. I'm not talking about introversion - yes, I'm still introverted and need my alone time, but this is the kind of attitude people always associate and mix-up with introversion that isn't always true. Shyness does not equal introversion. When I'm at the office, I don't really initiate conversations, and it's really hard for me to put myself out there to try and get to know the student workers or other chaplains. When I'm with my students, no one really comes over to talk to me, and while I try my best to meet new students and keep conversations going, I feel like it's particularly difficult because I don't have any go-to relationships with any of my students that can act as a home base in those kinds of group settings for me. And it's an annoying realization because I don't want to be shy. And I wasn't this shy just a year or two ago. But I can't help it - it's my slow adjustment process to the change of environment. Can you feel the tension?
Well, there you have it. My unfinished thoughts for the week. It seems as though the band across the street have packed up their music for good, and my eyes are ready to stop opening for the rest of the night.
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
She clings, though she doesn't know why.
You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts. Something's awry when an introvert spends time thinking and sorting through thought after thought after thought, only to find herself spiraling down into a pit mixed with possible lies and possible truths, only she can no longer tell which ones are which. Not only is it draining to be around others, it's now draining to be around herself.
It's worse when she doesn't really know who can help her. She knows there are people who love and care about her - her husband, her friends, her family, her supervisor - but they all don't seem to be very helpful or understand the whole story.
It gets even more worse when she knows that her relationship with God looks like her not wanting to call out, "Lord, save us!" to the sleeping Jesus in the lower deck of the boat during this furious storm that seems to be lasting the whole year because she's afraid she'll be reprimanded for being ye of little faith. And it's not that she hasn't asked Him for help. She prays the simplest, shortest, most genuine prayers. But either it doesn't seem like enough, or she needs to wait.
So she hangs on.
You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't know exactly what she needs to fill her nearly empty bucket that has been slowly, and subtly leaking this whole time. It's worse when she actually tries and tries and even tries new things to fill it with no avail. The self discipline she had been working on for so long seems to wear off more and more with all the tears of frustration.
But she hasn't lost her imagination. She still dreams of who she could be, what things she'd like to do, things she'd like to learn. She dreams of being an unselfish wife, leading a vibrant campus ministry, living a healthier lifestyle, participating in a life-giving community, growing a deep, life-long passion for...something.
It's sad because the reality of the present begins to sink in with the deep disappointment that her imagination is beginning to look a lot like a carrot dangling in front of her face that will always be
just
out
of
reach.
It's worse when she doesn't really know who can help her. She knows there are people who love and care about her - her husband, her friends, her family, her supervisor - but they all don't seem to be very helpful or understand the whole story.
It gets even more worse when she knows that her relationship with God looks like her not wanting to call out, "Lord, save us!" to the sleeping Jesus in the lower deck of the boat during this furious storm that seems to be lasting the whole year because she's afraid she'll be reprimanded for being ye of little faith. And it's not that she hasn't asked Him for help. She prays the simplest, shortest, most genuine prayers. But either it doesn't seem like enough, or she needs to wait.
So she hangs on.
You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't know exactly what she needs to fill her nearly empty bucket that has been slowly, and subtly leaking this whole time. It's worse when she actually tries and tries and even tries new things to fill it with no avail. The self discipline she had been working on for so long seems to wear off more and more with all the tears of frustration.
But she hasn't lost her imagination. She still dreams of who she could be, what things she'd like to do, things she'd like to learn. She dreams of being an unselfish wife, leading a vibrant campus ministry, living a healthier lifestyle, participating in a life-giving community, growing a deep, life-long passion for...something.
It's sad because the reality of the present begins to sink in with the deep disappointment that her imagination is beginning to look a lot like a carrot dangling in front of her face that will always be
just
out
of
reach.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
To breathe into.
Nathan recently asked me what and/or who inspires me. I was a little caught off guard. I don't really think about inspiration or the source of it in my life (besides Jesus, of course) all that frequently unless it's asked of me in some leadership exercise or group activity. It was really interesting to think about because when I thought about the people in my life, even though I care about them and they care about me, it didn't necessarily mean they inspired me.
Thinking about what "inspired" meant and looking at the word itself made me curious to find out its dictionary definition and Latin root (I had taken three years of Latin in high school, so it looked familiar enough for me to think it did have a Latin root).
According to Dictionary.com:
And according to Wikipedia (and confirmed by Merriam-Webster dictionary):
The word "inspiration" comes from the Latin noun inspiratio and from the verb inspirare. Inspirare is a compound term resulting from the Latin prefix in (inside, into) and the verb spirare (to breathe). Inspirare meant originally "to blow into", as for example in the sentence of the Roman poet Ovid: "conchae [...] sonanti inspirare iubet"[2] ("he orders to blow into the resonant [...] shell"). In classic Roman times, inspirare had already come to mean "to breathe deeply" and assumed also the figurative sense of "to instill [something] in the heart or in the mind of someone".
To breathe into. To influence. To produce a feeling or thought. Who and/or what did those things look like in my day-to-day life?
When I think about it, there are certain aspects of people's lives that inspire me in certain areas or situations. But when it comes to ongoing inspiration, I think of three specific people:
Pam. I sometimes like to think that Pam's in my head. As my older sister who has been my best friend since I was born, she's probably had the deepest influence on me. There are some things I'm very aware are a result of her influence - like the fact that I don't drink soda very much is because of Pam. Or the fact that I like to read for fun. And there are other habits, patterns, mannerisms, and core ideals that I have that if you dig deep into my psychological realm you'll find come from her. She's not just someone whose character and skills I admire, but more often than not I've also wanted to emulate. Her deep compassion for people and their growth/development, her great talent for hosting and planning events, and her immense self-control and self-discipline when it comes to staying healthy and taking care of her body are just some of categories of things that I like to think she has breathed into my life. Not saying that they're at the same level of where she is, but that the "voices" in my head that push me and inspire me to learn, grow, and reach further on a daily basis come from her. I could write a whole blog series on my relationship with Pam, but we'll stop here for now.
Carrie. Working under Carrie's leadership as a student and a staff worker has inspired a lot of who I am during my young adult developmental years. She has the ability to understand where I'm coming from while also speaking to where I could be. She's asked me the hard questions I never thought about, gave me challenges she believed I could accomplish and grow from, and has shaped the way I lead others and the intuition I have been learning to trust a little more. I sometimes think, "What would Carrie do?" when I'm stuck in vocational situations with students, or even take pages from her book when it comes to ideas.
Nathan. To the dreams I used to dream, I say, "That would never happen." To those same dreams, my husband says, "Why not?" And to all the ideas that I think would be so cool if they worked, but the small chance of success would probably not be worth the bigger chance of failure, my husband says, "Let's try it." My husband is not satisfied with good intentions or incremental change. He likes to quote Revelation 21:1-4 (his favorite verses) a lot, but it's not something he believes is just magically going to happen - it's something he actively works toward in his daily decisions. He inspires my future because no longer are the hopes of living life to the fullest beyond all possibility - with him, recognizing that the promises and power of God are not empty visions but realities that are just out of reach. And for someone like me who is all too willing to let dreams die, that's pretty inspiring.
Thinking about what "inspired" meant and looking at the word itself made me curious to find out its dictionary definition and Latin root (I had taken three years of Latin in high school, so it looked familiar enough for me to think it did have a Latin root).
According to Dictionary.com:
in·spire
[in-spahyuhr] verb, in·spired, in·spir·ing.
verb (used with object)
1. to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence:
His courage inspired his followers.
2. to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.):
to inspire confidence in others.
3. to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.:
to inspire a person with distrust.
4. to influence or impel:
Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5. to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does:
They were inspired by a belief in a better future.
1. to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence:
His courage inspired his followers.
2. to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.):
to inspire confidence in others.
3. to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.:
to inspire a person with distrust.
4. to influence or impel:
Competition inspired her to greater efforts.
5. to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does:
They were inspired by a belief in a better future.
And according to Wikipedia (and confirmed by Merriam-Webster dictionary):
The word "inspiration" comes from the Latin noun inspiratio and from the verb inspirare. Inspirare is a compound term resulting from the Latin prefix in (inside, into) and the verb spirare (to breathe). Inspirare meant originally "to blow into", as for example in the sentence of the Roman poet Ovid: "conchae [...] sonanti inspirare iubet"[2] ("he orders to blow into the resonant [...] shell"). In classic Roman times, inspirare had already come to mean "to breathe deeply" and assumed also the figurative sense of "to instill [something] in the heart or in the mind of someone".
To breathe into. To influence. To produce a feeling or thought. Who and/or what did those things look like in my day-to-day life?
When I think about it, there are certain aspects of people's lives that inspire me in certain areas or situations. But when it comes to ongoing inspiration, I think of three specific people:
Pam. I sometimes like to think that Pam's in my head. As my older sister who has been my best friend since I was born, she's probably had the deepest influence on me. There are some things I'm very aware are a result of her influence - like the fact that I don't drink soda very much is because of Pam. Or the fact that I like to read for fun. And there are other habits, patterns, mannerisms, and core ideals that I have that if you dig deep into my psychological realm you'll find come from her. She's not just someone whose character and skills I admire, but more often than not I've also wanted to emulate. Her deep compassion for people and their growth/development, her great talent for hosting and planning events, and her immense self-control and self-discipline when it comes to staying healthy and taking care of her body are just some of categories of things that I like to think she has breathed into my life. Not saying that they're at the same level of where she is, but that the "voices" in my head that push me and inspire me to learn, grow, and reach further on a daily basis come from her. I could write a whole blog series on my relationship with Pam, but we'll stop here for now.
Carrie. Working under Carrie's leadership as a student and a staff worker has inspired a lot of who I am during my young adult developmental years. She has the ability to understand where I'm coming from while also speaking to where I could be. She's asked me the hard questions I never thought about, gave me challenges she believed I could accomplish and grow from, and has shaped the way I lead others and the intuition I have been learning to trust a little more. I sometimes think, "What would Carrie do?" when I'm stuck in vocational situations with students, or even take pages from her book when it comes to ideas.
Nathan. To the dreams I used to dream, I say, "That would never happen." To those same dreams, my husband says, "Why not?" And to all the ideas that I think would be so cool if they worked, but the small chance of success would probably not be worth the bigger chance of failure, my husband says, "Let's try it." My husband is not satisfied with good intentions or incremental change. He likes to quote Revelation 21:1-4 (his favorite verses) a lot, but it's not something he believes is just magically going to happen - it's something he actively works toward in his daily decisions. He inspires my future because no longer are the hopes of living life to the fullest beyond all possibility - with him, recognizing that the promises and power of God are not empty visions but realities that are just out of reach. And for someone like me who is all too willing to let dreams die, that's pretty inspiring.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Pursuing?
Whether I'm scared or worried, I'm not quite sure. I believe I have matured and grown to a point where I'm aware that I'm not serving others well when I don't take care of myself. So I think I've grown a healthy pattern and attitude of not literally overworking or constantly being preoccupied with my work or relationships. It's not as awkward or difficult for me to "end" my days well or carve out time for sabbath each week because I know it's important.
The problem that scares or worries me, though, is not knowing what to do with the space and time I have. The amount and quality of ministry work that I have had to do, think, and pray about over this school year so far has been draining me in ways I never imagined would drain me. It has chipped, worn, and shaken me emotionally and spiritually in ways I don't even know how to articulate anymore. So I know I need to include habits and patterns and make time and space for activities, people, and processes that will give me life and help me grow as a whole person, not just in leadership.
This search for the new Mrs. Bixler has been tough. At first it was exciting to dream and imagine and create the possibilities, but now that I've actually come to a point today where I need new life and rest right at this moment and am still "in process" - it's a bit disconcerting and disorienting. I don't feel physically drained, so I don't want to take a nap. Thinking about what supplies I would need to buy in order to bake something seems more time consuming and draining than it would be worth to actually bake something. I'm uninspired to sing or write a song. Watching something feels like a waste of time and starting a craft project feels like a chore. Reading a book seems like a source of escape instead of a source of life, and my photography class doesn't start until two weeks from now. And since I don't really have any friends in the area that give me life - ones that can just listen or just sit with me and keep me company because they already understand me - it just feels like I've hit a dead end.
Maybe it's the weather. It's gotten mighty cold and gloomier in Rochester recently, and this post is in such stark contrast with my previous post I wrote just a few weeks ago that things could change tomorrow for all I know.
I hesitate to post this because I don't know what I'm really trying to say or share, and it hasn't really helped me process things all that much, but at least it's something. At least I've showed up. The problem, though, is that it's starting to get harder and harder to show up when it feels like God isn't meeting me there. I know in my head that the truth is He is, but it doesn't help when it doesn't feel like it's true.
The problem that scares or worries me, though, is not knowing what to do with the space and time I have. The amount and quality of ministry work that I have had to do, think, and pray about over this school year so far has been draining me in ways I never imagined would drain me. It has chipped, worn, and shaken me emotionally and spiritually in ways I don't even know how to articulate anymore. So I know I need to include habits and patterns and make time and space for activities, people, and processes that will give me life and help me grow as a whole person, not just in leadership.
This search for the new Mrs. Bixler has been tough. At first it was exciting to dream and imagine and create the possibilities, but now that I've actually come to a point today where I need new life and rest right at this moment and am still "in process" - it's a bit disconcerting and disorienting. I don't feel physically drained, so I don't want to take a nap. Thinking about what supplies I would need to buy in order to bake something seems more time consuming and draining than it would be worth to actually bake something. I'm uninspired to sing or write a song. Watching something feels like a waste of time and starting a craft project feels like a chore. Reading a book seems like a source of escape instead of a source of life, and my photography class doesn't start until two weeks from now. And since I don't really have any friends in the area that give me life - ones that can just listen or just sit with me and keep me company because they already understand me - it just feels like I've hit a dead end.
Maybe it's the weather. It's gotten mighty cold and gloomier in Rochester recently, and this post is in such stark contrast with my previous post I wrote just a few weeks ago that things could change tomorrow for all I know.
I hesitate to post this because I don't know what I'm really trying to say or share, and it hasn't really helped me process things all that much, but at least it's something. At least I've showed up. The problem, though, is that it's starting to get harder and harder to show up when it feels like God isn't meeting me there. I know in my head that the truth is He is, but it doesn't help when it doesn't feel like it's true.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I'm going to tell you about my dream, but you have to promise not to laugh.
So when I write about the dream/talk about the dream out loud, it sounds a lot stupider than it felt. But trust me, it wasn't funny.
I actually don't remember most of it now because I actually had the dream about a day ago rather than when I woke up this morning, but the important part is still fresh in my mind.
So I think there were people everywhere in my house - except the rooms in my house were expanded to be a lot bigger than they really are right now. And I was socializing, making the rounds, but it wasn't my event. I don't even know what all those people were doing there. There were kids running around everywhere, and if I remember correctly, it was as if we were all waiting for something to happen. Nothing huge like a performance or rocket launch or anything, we were just waiting.
I think at some point I just stopped to talk to Michelle, who was with a handful of other people and a bunch of kids that I liked to play with (?? yeah I don't know). But something felt wrong with my mouth so I went to check it out in the bathroom (which, strangely enough, looks exactly the way the tiny thing looks now), thinking it was just something stuck between my teeth. But when as I looked in the mirror the bottom tooth in my mouth that's squished in crookedly by my other teeth suddenly felt loose - and when I touched it with my finger, it BROKE. Yeah, it was cracked and just broke off into my mouth. It wasn't anything like a loose tooth where the whole tooth pops out from the gums. There was still the very bottom of the tooth rooted in my mouth like it should be - but the big chunk of my tooth just broke.
Well, no surprise - I freaked.
I panicked and immediately tried to think of what food I ate that could've caused this, which made me panic even more because I didn't eat anything the whole day. I also panicked because it was another tooth problem to take care of that would totally be so expensive and telling my dad about this would make me feel so terrible. But I sucked it up and knew it would be worse if I just left it the way it was, so I quickly went to find my dad, trying to hide my panicked face for the guests as I weaved and bobbed through the crowd.
My eyes were ready to bring on the waterfalls by the time I found my dad, but as soon as I was getting ready to make up a good explanation, ALL my other teeth in my mouth broke off the same way the first one did. I'm serious. ALL of my teeth did. So it wasn't like all I had were my gums, but there were a the very bottoms of the teeth still in there. The teeth had just snapped off. And they all fell into my mouth. So I suddenly had my teeth rolling around on my tongue.
Yeah. You think reading about it sounds disgusting? Imagine how I real it felt in my dream to actually experience that.
And of course, I burst out crying but my dad didn't know why because I hadn't had the chance to explain anything yet, but I was already sobbing and couldn't speak. So when my very flustered dad asked me what was wrong, I couldn't say anything - only opened my mouth as best as I could and then spit out some of my teeth into my hand to show him what happened.
That's when I woke up.
I had gone to sleep at around 11:45/12 that night - it was now 1AM. Isn't that crazy? I can't remember the last time a dream literally woke me up AND it wasn't even close to the time I was supposed to get up yet. It was so weird.
My teeth did feel funny though, when I woke up. But I don't know what was making it feel like that. And my mom had the tv on a little too loud, which made the bass vibrate the floor, which translates to my box of a bed pretty easily to make my heart pound a little more. So maybe that contributed to it.
Maybe I'm subconsciously worried about going back to the dentist next week for the conclusion (it BETTER be) of my root canal. This whole root canal thing wasn't very pleasant - and it wasn't because of the actual procedure. Go figure.
Anyway, the end. That was a little more wordy than I had planned.
I actually don't remember most of it now because I actually had the dream about a day ago rather than when I woke up this morning, but the important part is still fresh in my mind.
So I think there were people everywhere in my house - except the rooms in my house were expanded to be a lot bigger than they really are right now. And I was socializing, making the rounds, but it wasn't my event. I don't even know what all those people were doing there. There were kids running around everywhere, and if I remember correctly, it was as if we were all waiting for something to happen. Nothing huge like a performance or rocket launch or anything, we were just waiting.
I think at some point I just stopped to talk to Michelle, who was with a handful of other people and a bunch of kids that I liked to play with (?? yeah I don't know). But something felt wrong with my mouth so I went to check it out in the bathroom (which, strangely enough, looks exactly the way the tiny thing looks now), thinking it was just something stuck between my teeth. But when as I looked in the mirror the bottom tooth in my mouth that's squished in crookedly by my other teeth suddenly felt loose - and when I touched it with my finger, it BROKE. Yeah, it was cracked and just broke off into my mouth. It wasn't anything like a loose tooth where the whole tooth pops out from the gums. There was still the very bottom of the tooth rooted in my mouth like it should be - but the big chunk of my tooth just broke.
Well, no surprise - I freaked.
I panicked and immediately tried to think of what food I ate that could've caused this, which made me panic even more because I didn't eat anything the whole day. I also panicked because it was another tooth problem to take care of that would totally be so expensive and telling my dad about this would make me feel so terrible. But I sucked it up and knew it would be worse if I just left it the way it was, so I quickly went to find my dad, trying to hide my panicked face for the guests as I weaved and bobbed through the crowd.
My eyes were ready to bring on the waterfalls by the time I found my dad, but as soon as I was getting ready to make up a good explanation, ALL my other teeth in my mouth broke off the same way the first one did. I'm serious. ALL of my teeth did. So it wasn't like all I had were my gums, but there were a the very bottoms of the teeth still in there. The teeth had just snapped off. And they all fell into my mouth. So I suddenly had my teeth rolling around on my tongue.
Yeah. You think reading about it sounds disgusting? Imagine how I real it felt in my dream to actually experience that.
And of course, I burst out crying but my dad didn't know why because I hadn't had the chance to explain anything yet, but I was already sobbing and couldn't speak. So when my very flustered dad asked me what was wrong, I couldn't say anything - only opened my mouth as best as I could and then spit out some of my teeth into my hand to show him what happened.
That's when I woke up.
I had gone to sleep at around 11:45/12 that night - it was now 1AM. Isn't that crazy? I can't remember the last time a dream literally woke me up AND it wasn't even close to the time I was supposed to get up yet. It was so weird.
My teeth did feel funny though, when I woke up. But I don't know what was making it feel like that. And my mom had the tv on a little too loud, which made the bass vibrate the floor, which translates to my box of a bed pretty easily to make my heart pound a little more. So maybe that contributed to it.
Maybe I'm subconsciously worried about going back to the dentist next week for the conclusion (it BETTER be) of my root canal. This whole root canal thing wasn't very pleasant - and it wasn't because of the actual procedure. Go figure.
Anyway, the end. That was a little more wordy than I had planned.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
crocodile dream.
I think Joe, Bix, Bix's mom (yeah, random!), maybe Chris, maybe a little girl (i can't remember who), I think my Auntie Di, and Caye (a missionary from Arizona whom I've known since I was four) were with me going through this humongous arena-like room that was completely covered in vines and jungle-like stuff. I think we were exploring and 
now were trying to find our way out and Caye was leading the way. There was all this stuff happening (adventurous I believe), but I can't remember what it was. But it wasn't really dangerous or life-threatening I think, until we finally knew the way out...these HUGE crocodiles were coming over this hill. And they weren't like, normal crocodiles. They were oddly shaped...almost geometrical, I guess. But I was freaked out mostly by the leader of pack. They were all coming right at us, so we started running. And Caye was saying that she knew how to handle them, so we should run as fast as we can, and she'll take care of them.
We thought she was crazy, but we ran. And then we went back and saw that Caye was about to be eaten by the leader of the crocodiles, and I held my breath and didn't doubt that she could get away. But whatever it was she tried to do, it didn't work, and the crocodile swallowed half of Caye! Well, it wasn't as graphic as it may seem. It was like those cartoons. But while she was in there, she kept yelling, "I praise God! I praise God!" And then I think Bix's mom did something that freed Caye, and then we all had to fling ourselves over this ledge, which looked like we were in the scene in I Love Trouble (with Julia Roberts and Peter Brackett), not that any of you have seen that movie. But it was mad scary, and you had to fling yourself really hard/far. And next thing I know, I'm doing it and then I'm holding onto the little girl's hand and we're safe! Everyone else is safe, too.
Then I find we're in some sort of church that's under construction, dusting ourselves off, really happy to be alive. And then Mindy comes in with her glasses on, comes up to me and pulls on my sleeve, asking me if I would come to the youth group/college group showing of a Pokemon Movie. In my "head" I was like, but I'm so tired! But I said okay, and told her to lead the way. So I followed her into this pretty spacious room where my home tv was set up on one side of the room, and all the high school youth group kids were in front of the tv on these metal folding chairs that were set up, and then behind them were a bunch of college group kids. Sarah was in the middle. I directly went to sit next to Gary Lee and some of the other guys from my church. And we talked a little bit, I don't remember about what. And I remember watching the back of Sarah's head, wondering what she was thinking, but also feeling some sort of peace, sitting in the back with the guys because I hadn't talked with them in so long.
The End.
P.S. The picture was just something I found that I thought was funny. Don't know the kid at all, maybe she was the little girl I was with in the dream.
P.P.S. "Croc" was an answer to a crossword puzzle I tried doing the other day. Maybe this dream came from that?
now were trying to find our way out and Caye was leading the way. There was all this stuff happening (adventurous I believe), but I can't remember what it was. But it wasn't really dangerous or life-threatening I think, until we finally knew the way out...these HUGE crocodiles were coming over this hill. And they weren't like, normal crocodiles. They were oddly shaped...almost geometrical, I guess. But I was freaked out mostly by the leader of pack. They were all coming right at us, so we started running. And Caye was saying that she knew how to handle them, so we should run as fast as we can, and she'll take care of them.We thought she was crazy, but we ran. And then we went back and saw that Caye was about to be eaten by the leader of the crocodiles, and I held my breath and didn't doubt that she could get away. But whatever it was she tried to do, it didn't work, and the crocodile swallowed half of Caye! Well, it wasn't as graphic as it may seem. It was like those cartoons. But while she was in there, she kept yelling, "I praise God! I praise God!" And then I think Bix's mom did something that freed Caye, and then we all had to fling ourselves over this ledge, which looked like we were in the scene in I Love Trouble (with Julia Roberts and Peter Brackett), not that any of you have seen that movie. But it was mad scary, and you had to fling yourself really hard/far. And next thing I know, I'm doing it and then I'm holding onto the little girl's hand and we're safe! Everyone else is safe, too.
Then I find we're in some sort of church that's under construction, dusting ourselves off, really happy to be alive. And then Mindy comes in with her glasses on, comes up to me and pulls on my sleeve, asking me if I would come to the youth group/college group showing of a Pokemon Movie. In my "head" I was like, but I'm so tired! But I said okay, and told her to lead the way. So I followed her into this pretty spacious room where my home tv was set up on one side of the room, and all the high school youth group kids were in front of the tv on these metal folding chairs that were set up, and then behind them were a bunch of college group kids. Sarah was in the middle. I directly went to sit next to Gary Lee and some of the other guys from my church. And we talked a little bit, I don't remember about what. And I remember watching the back of Sarah's head, wondering what she was thinking, but also feeling some sort of peace, sitting in the back with the guys because I hadn't talked with them in so long.
The End.
P.S. The picture was just something I found that I thought was funny. Don't know the kid at all, maybe she was the little girl I was with in the dream.
P.P.S. "Croc" was an answer to a crossword puzzle I tried doing the other day. Maybe this dream came from that?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
obama-drama
yes, it's true. i dreamt about the obama family last night/this morning.
my mom was not my mom. apparently my mom was this non-Asian lady (i think she might've been Hispanic), i had no dad, and my mom owned this really small restaurant somewhere that hardly anyone came to. i was the oldest in my family, and i had like a few little siblings that weren't really important in my dream. i helped take care of the restaurant and things like that.
and in my dream, the obama family decided to come to our restaurant! it was craziness. there was nobody in the restaurant and barely anyone on the streets, except for the president's entourage of cars and bodyguards. it seemed like either nobody cared or nobody knew that the obamas came to our restaurant, but we were the happiest people to have such an honor.
before the obamas arrived, there was a guy who helped me prepare for the big dinner, who apparently was a neighborhood guy a little older than me but was around all the time to help out in the restaurant. i think he was a really good friend of mine. not my best friend, but a close friend. so he was helping me carry some supplies into the restaurant (as he always did, apparently), and my mom and some of her friends were whispering and giggling as they watched us carry stuff in. it turns out they really wanted me and my friend to start dating and eventually get married. i was like, uh...awkward.
anyway, when the obamas arrived, nobody was around. i had a really good time. it was a polite but warm and friendly dinner. i really liked their family and it seemed like they really liked my family. they said they chose our restaurant because they really liked the food (although how it was good food but nobody was ever in our restaurant or how the obama family heard about it, i don't know).
and then i woke up.
but it's a rainy, lazy saturday, so i decided to go back to sleep.
and the dream continued.
so then the obama family said they were going to be in town for the weekend and invited me (not my little siblings, who were envious) to walk around town and maybe go shopping. and of course i agreed!
we were having a lot of fun and went into this really fancy fancy handbag store, and i saw something i really liked and after consulting with michelle obama and her two girls, i decided to get it. i took it up to the register while the obamas continued to browse. the guy at the register was really creepy looking. he rang it up and it came out to $170! i was like, "ohhh, heck no." so i started panicking and was like, "okay, nevermind i don't want the bag."
but the guy said, "sorry, once the bag is rung up you have to pay the bill."
i started worrying about going over my credit limit (which was like, $150 or something like that) and that my dad (who was nonexistent??) would kill me if a) i went over my limit, and b) that i went over my limit for buying a $170 handbag. so i did something out of character and kind of argued with the cashier. i was like, "what do you mean, i have to pay the bill?! can't you just cancel it like it never happened??" except i was whispering really loudly because i didn't want the obamas to hear me.
and so the guy and i started arguing, me whispering really loudly, the guy, not so much.
and i turned around, seeing the obama family standing closely behind me, waiting for me so we could leave. and i knew they could hear what was going on. they were watching me and definitely in close enough proximity.
i expected the president, who was standing right there, to step in and see what the problem was, the cash register guy would go all googly-eyed for being in the presence of the president, to just let the whole thing go and let me keep the bag. or, i expected michelle obama to step in, see what the problem was, try to negotiate calmly, and then if the guy was still stubborn, to just pay for the bag for me.
but nothing happened. and i got frustrated not just because it meant i really had to pay for the bag and deal with the consequences, but also because i felt betrayed and fooled. i had tricked myself into thinking that the obama family had my back, that they really liked me and cared about me. i felt defeated.
i can't remember what happened at the end. if i paid for the bag and pretended like everything was fine and left with the family, or if i decided to just leave the bag and leave the store.
and then mary situ called me. that's how i woke up. but that is a story for tomorrow.
my mom was not my mom. apparently my mom was this non-Asian lady (i think she might've been Hispanic), i had no dad, and my mom owned this really small restaurant somewhere that hardly anyone came to. i was the oldest in my family, and i had like a few little siblings that weren't really important in my dream. i helped take care of the restaurant and things like that.
and in my dream, the obama family decided to come to our restaurant! it was craziness. there was nobody in the restaurant and barely anyone on the streets, except for the president's entourage of cars and bodyguards. it seemed like either nobody cared or nobody knew that the obamas came to our restaurant, but we were the happiest people to have such an honor.
before the obamas arrived, there was a guy who helped me prepare for the big dinner, who apparently was a neighborhood guy a little older than me but was around all the time to help out in the restaurant. i think he was a really good friend of mine. not my best friend, but a close friend. so he was helping me carry some supplies into the restaurant (as he always did, apparently), and my mom and some of her friends were whispering and giggling as they watched us carry stuff in. it turns out they really wanted me and my friend to start dating and eventually get married. i was like, uh...awkward.
anyway, when the obamas arrived, nobody was around. i had a really good time. it was a polite but warm and friendly dinner. i really liked their family and it seemed like they really liked my family. they said they chose our restaurant because they really liked the food (although how it was good food but nobody was ever in our restaurant or how the obama family heard about it, i don't know).
and then i woke up.
but it's a rainy, lazy saturday, so i decided to go back to sleep.
and the dream continued.
so then the obama family said they were going to be in town for the weekend and invited me (not my little siblings, who were envious) to walk around town and maybe go shopping. and of course i agreed!
we were having a lot of fun and went into this really fancy fancy handbag store, and i saw something i really liked and after consulting with michelle obama and her two girls, i decided to get it. i took it up to the register while the obamas continued to browse. the guy at the register was really creepy looking. he rang it up and it came out to $170! i was like, "ohhh, heck no." so i started panicking and was like, "okay, nevermind i don't want the bag."
but the guy said, "sorry, once the bag is rung up you have to pay the bill."
i started worrying about going over my credit limit (which was like, $150 or something like that) and that my dad (who was nonexistent??) would kill me if a) i went over my limit, and b) that i went over my limit for buying a $170 handbag. so i did something out of character and kind of argued with the cashier. i was like, "what do you mean, i have to pay the bill?! can't you just cancel it like it never happened??" except i was whispering really loudly because i didn't want the obamas to hear me.
and so the guy and i started arguing, me whispering really loudly, the guy, not so much.
and i turned around, seeing the obama family standing closely behind me, waiting for me so we could leave. and i knew they could hear what was going on. they were watching me and definitely in close enough proximity.
i expected the president, who was standing right there, to step in and see what the problem was, the cash register guy would go all googly-eyed for being in the presence of the president, to just let the whole thing go and let me keep the bag. or, i expected michelle obama to step in, see what the problem was, try to negotiate calmly, and then if the guy was still stubborn, to just pay for the bag for me.
but nothing happened. and i got frustrated not just because it meant i really had to pay for the bag and deal with the consequences, but also because i felt betrayed and fooled. i had tricked myself into thinking that the obama family had my back, that they really liked me and cared about me. i felt defeated.
i can't remember what happened at the end. if i paid for the bag and pretended like everything was fine and left with the family, or if i decided to just leave the bag and leave the store.
and then mary situ called me. that's how i woke up. but that is a story for tomorrow.
Monday, December 29, 2008
how could he walk away?
see? i told you i'd be back.
my uber long sleep didn't go as planned. it was interrupted numerous times by the hustle and bustle of our house, but it's okay. i think i still slept pretty well. i had pretty interesting dreams, too.
the rest of my day so far has been pretty good. i fixed my bed, put away my clothes and cleaned off my dresser for the most part. pam forgot her cell at home so i was playing phone operator for a while since she's so popular with calls. i showered and feel clean and drank hot water from my new giant stitch mug and took some more dimetapp that appears to have started to kick in a little bit.
so it's all good.
i was going to play guitar and finish up writing my song, but i realize i misplaced my dad's capo and was desperately looking for it, but have given up, thinking i probably need to trust God that He knows where it is and will reveal it to me when the time comes. He also scolded me for not spending some quiet time with Him, so i decided to do that.
i'm using pam's life application study bible and the leadership essentials book as a devotional book since our group didn't get to finish it by the end of the semester. i decided to use it as a study guide on my own, keeping up with the memory verses while reviewing all the old ones, going into inductive bible studies and reading the articles. i'm determined to remember and keep living out what i've learned from using this book and studying/discussing with carrie, nathan, joanna. i don't want it to be one of those things where i just read it, learn something, but totally forget what i've learned. it's a difficult discipline, but i guess that's part of putting into practice what i've learned - practicing those spiritual disciplines that are hard to keep up but are important if i want God's wind to catch hold of my sails.
so i'm up to chapter 10, which is titled, "taming temptation." to be honest, when i first looked at it, i got all haughty and was like, "yeah, okay, there are no major temptations in my life that i have to deal with. i think i'm doing pretty well." and i thought to myself, "what does this have to do with leadership, anyway?" and of course, i was wrong.
it's an interesting memory verse they gave. here, i'm going to attempt to type it out from memory:
"to the elders among you, i appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings, and one who will also share in the glory to be revealed: be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers - not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away."
dang i forgot the reference. i always forget the reference. i think i got some grammatical things wrong.
it's from...1 Peter 5:1-4. yeah, chief shepherd is supposed to be capitalized. oh well.
anyway, it's interesting how they chose to use this verse as a memory verse because when i first read through it and tried memorizing it i was like, "what the heck does this have to do with temptation?" but then i started answering the questions about the memory verse and realized these verses emphasized the motives of a leader, and that sometimes a leader may be tempted to lead based on the wrong motives and that we need to correct those motives. good reminder.
then i started the inductive bible study, which honestly looked intimidating and not intimidating at the same time. i looked at it expecting it to be something in the new testament (as we had been studying all semester) but was surprised to find that the bible study would be based on 1 kings 11:1-13. my immediate reactions were: 1) to be intimidated because it's the old testament and i never seem to know enough about the old testament to get the full impact of God's Word, and 2) to not be intimidated because it was the story of Solomon and how he had like a bajillion wives and concubines and i totally read this story before so it was familiar and probably would be easier to study than i thought.
so i read the passage again and started answering the questions. the questions seemed pretty easy or self-explanatory. you know, how solomon asked for wisdom and God granted him not only wisdom but wealth and all this other stuff. and then how solomon fell away from God because he married all these women who believed in other gods and he loved them and started following these other gods.
seemed easy enough to figure out, right? but then here comes the doozy. the next question asked: how could someone who had all of solomon's advantages walk away from what he knew to be right?
and then all these thoughts came tumbling through my head:
i thought of celebrities/famous people/actors&actresses/music artists, etc: it usually seems like they have everything they could ever want, and can do whatever they want. even famous Christian music artists like steven curtis chapman, bebo norman, and everyone goes through hard times and suffer through hard things and sin even when they believe in God and want to live a life pleasing to Him. why?
and then i thought of myself: i may not complain out loud all the time (except maybe to michelle), but boy, i complain plenty. and sometimes i complain indirectly. kind of like, rationalizing with myself that i need something more. today after i put away all my clothes i looked in my drawers and saw how many shirts i had. i have TONS of shirts. but yet i always tell myself i'm not satisfied and can always use a new shirt when i'm walking in a store and see one that i really like. but today, looking at my drawer of shirts, i thought to myself: i really don't need any more shirts, nor have i needed any more shirts for a really long time. yet when i'm in a store and see a shirt i like, i don't think of reasons why i don't need that shirt, i think of reasons why i should get the shirt. to me, that's indirectly complaining because i'm expressing dissatisfaction with what i already have by rationalizing with myself that i "need" a new shirt because i'm dissatisfied with the shirts i have. and i really am. i really am dissatsified with a lot of shirts i have but can't bring myself to give more of them away. i've already given away tons of clothes.
but not only clothes! i thought of all the other great things i had: great parents that aren't nosy or over-protective or controlling, and they love me and want what's best for me and sacrifice so much for me; an awesome big sister that takes care of me and loves me and sacrifices so much for me; a house that has heat; always having food in my fridge; just having my parents home a lot; a tv to watch shows and movies; friends who have my back and care about me in ways i probably don't even know; being able to read my bible and just talk about Jesus without being afraid of being arrested or killed; just walking outside without a fear of a bomb exploding or gunshots ringing throughout the street; and i am continuously getting to know my God, a mighty, powerful, unchanging God that loves me unconditionally and blesses me every single day with His mercy and grace...i mean, come on, i have SO much to be thankful for, so why am i always discontent, even to a small degree?
and i think about all of my sins. i think about the mistakes i've made that i'm aware of, and the mistakes i've made that i'm not aware of. i think about some of the times i've hurt others, especially those closest to me. i think about the decisions i've made, and how so many of them were poor decisions. i think about all my failures and mess-ups, and times i wish i had do-overs.
and then i asked myself, "how could someone who had all of my advantages walk away from what i knew to be right?"
and i thought about solomon. and i thought about me. and i thought about the easy answers i'd just answered. i racked my brain. there's something connected here. i knew there was something connected here. i knew this. there was something here i knew that i couldn't put my finger on.
so i read the passage again.
and i realized i had missed something. i knew that solomon had married seven hundred wives in order to make peace treaties of some kind with other countries and stuff and that's why he was led astray from God because they all believed in different gods. but it wasn't just that. if it was just that, you could say, 'hey it wasn't entirely solomon's fault. he had good intentions but it was those evil women who led him astray.' i looked down but i took a look back up at verses 1 & 2. solomon chose to follow his own agenda rather than God's. he strayed from God's commmandment not to intermarry with those foreign women. why?
was he scared? was he scared that God wouldn't back him up and watch over him if these neighboring lands were to declare war on his land and his people? was he scared that these neighboring lands would try to take away all the wealth and power God had given to him? he didn't trust God. he forgot that it was God who gives and takes away, that solomon was a steward of the things God entrusted to him, not the master. but solomon thought he was the master of it all so he took matters into his own hands and followed his own agenda. he probably thought he was in control of the whole situation and by marrying these foreign women it would make him feel secure in being in control. this little sin led to a bigger sin.
i have to stop these little things that steer me away from God in my life dead in their tracks before they turn into bigger sins. complaining may seem harmless to me at first, but they have the potential to grow and cause me to sin, whether it may be a little sin or a big sin. either way, to God both are sins and both are hurtful. a sin is still a sin no matter what size it is. i think i've already sinned because of my inward (and sometimes outward) complaining (some that i'm totally not aware of), so it's got to stop. i've got to think twice when it comes to discontentment. i've got to think of my motives - is it a discontentment that pushes me to desire to do better at something? or is it a discontentment that is just dissatisfaction for the great things already at hand? if it's the latter, then i need to check myself and remind myself of the God i serve and desire to be like.
thanks for the reminder, solomon.
i have to go find my dad's capo.
my uber long sleep didn't go as planned. it was interrupted numerous times by the hustle and bustle of our house, but it's okay. i think i still slept pretty well. i had pretty interesting dreams, too.
the rest of my day so far has been pretty good. i fixed my bed, put away my clothes and cleaned off my dresser for the most part. pam forgot her cell at home so i was playing phone operator for a while since she's so popular with calls. i showered and feel clean and drank hot water from my new giant stitch mug and took some more dimetapp that appears to have started to kick in a little bit.
so it's all good.
i was going to play guitar and finish up writing my song, but i realize i misplaced my dad's capo and was desperately looking for it, but have given up, thinking i probably need to trust God that He knows where it is and will reveal it to me when the time comes. He also scolded me for not spending some quiet time with Him, so i decided to do that.
i'm using pam's life application study bible and the leadership essentials book as a devotional book since our group didn't get to finish it by the end of the semester. i decided to use it as a study guide on my own, keeping up with the memory verses while reviewing all the old ones, going into inductive bible studies and reading the articles. i'm determined to remember and keep living out what i've learned from using this book and studying/discussing with carrie, nathan, joanna. i don't want it to be one of those things where i just read it, learn something, but totally forget what i've learned. it's a difficult discipline, but i guess that's part of putting into practice what i've learned - practicing those spiritual disciplines that are hard to keep up but are important if i want God's wind to catch hold of my sails.
so i'm up to chapter 10, which is titled, "taming temptation." to be honest, when i first looked at it, i got all haughty and was like, "yeah, okay, there are no major temptations in my life that i have to deal with. i think i'm doing pretty well." and i thought to myself, "what does this have to do with leadership, anyway?" and of course, i was wrong.
it's an interesting memory verse they gave. here, i'm going to attempt to type it out from memory:
"to the elders among you, i appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings, and one who will also share in the glory to be revealed: be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers - not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away."
dang i forgot the reference. i always forget the reference. i think i got some grammatical things wrong.
it's from...1 Peter 5:1-4. yeah, chief shepherd is supposed to be capitalized. oh well.
anyway, it's interesting how they chose to use this verse as a memory verse because when i first read through it and tried memorizing it i was like, "what the heck does this have to do with temptation?" but then i started answering the questions about the memory verse and realized these verses emphasized the motives of a leader, and that sometimes a leader may be tempted to lead based on the wrong motives and that we need to correct those motives. good reminder.
then i started the inductive bible study, which honestly looked intimidating and not intimidating at the same time. i looked at it expecting it to be something in the new testament (as we had been studying all semester) but was surprised to find that the bible study would be based on 1 kings 11:1-13. my immediate reactions were: 1) to be intimidated because it's the old testament and i never seem to know enough about the old testament to get the full impact of God's Word, and 2) to not be intimidated because it was the story of Solomon and how he had like a bajillion wives and concubines and i totally read this story before so it was familiar and probably would be easier to study than i thought.
so i read the passage again and started answering the questions. the questions seemed pretty easy or self-explanatory. you know, how solomon asked for wisdom and God granted him not only wisdom but wealth and all this other stuff. and then how solomon fell away from God because he married all these women who believed in other gods and he loved them and started following these other gods.
seemed easy enough to figure out, right? but then here comes the doozy. the next question asked: how could someone who had all of solomon's advantages walk away from what he knew to be right?
and then all these thoughts came tumbling through my head:
i thought of celebrities/famous people/actors&actresses/music artists, etc: it usually seems like they have everything they could ever want, and can do whatever they want. even famous Christian music artists like steven curtis chapman, bebo norman, and everyone goes through hard times and suffer through hard things and sin even when they believe in God and want to live a life pleasing to Him. why?
and then i thought of myself: i may not complain out loud all the time (except maybe to michelle), but boy, i complain plenty. and sometimes i complain indirectly. kind of like, rationalizing with myself that i need something more. today after i put away all my clothes i looked in my drawers and saw how many shirts i had. i have TONS of shirts. but yet i always tell myself i'm not satisfied and can always use a new shirt when i'm walking in a store and see one that i really like. but today, looking at my drawer of shirts, i thought to myself: i really don't need any more shirts, nor have i needed any more shirts for a really long time. yet when i'm in a store and see a shirt i like, i don't think of reasons why i don't need that shirt, i think of reasons why i should get the shirt. to me, that's indirectly complaining because i'm expressing dissatisfaction with what i already have by rationalizing with myself that i "need" a new shirt because i'm dissatisfied with the shirts i have. and i really am. i really am dissatsified with a lot of shirts i have but can't bring myself to give more of them away. i've already given away tons of clothes.
but not only clothes! i thought of all the other great things i had: great parents that aren't nosy or over-protective or controlling, and they love me and want what's best for me and sacrifice so much for me; an awesome big sister that takes care of me and loves me and sacrifices so much for me; a house that has heat; always having food in my fridge; just having my parents home a lot; a tv to watch shows and movies; friends who have my back and care about me in ways i probably don't even know; being able to read my bible and just talk about Jesus without being afraid of being arrested or killed; just walking outside without a fear of a bomb exploding or gunshots ringing throughout the street; and i am continuously getting to know my God, a mighty, powerful, unchanging God that loves me unconditionally and blesses me every single day with His mercy and grace...i mean, come on, i have SO much to be thankful for, so why am i always discontent, even to a small degree?
and i think about all of my sins. i think about the mistakes i've made that i'm aware of, and the mistakes i've made that i'm not aware of. i think about some of the times i've hurt others, especially those closest to me. i think about the decisions i've made, and how so many of them were poor decisions. i think about all my failures and mess-ups, and times i wish i had do-overs.
and then i asked myself, "how could someone who had all of my advantages walk away from what i knew to be right?"
and i thought about solomon. and i thought about me. and i thought about the easy answers i'd just answered. i racked my brain. there's something connected here. i knew there was something connected here. i knew this. there was something here i knew that i couldn't put my finger on.
so i read the passage again.
and i realized i had missed something. i knew that solomon had married seven hundred wives in order to make peace treaties of some kind with other countries and stuff and that's why he was led astray from God because they all believed in different gods. but it wasn't just that. if it was just that, you could say, 'hey it wasn't entirely solomon's fault. he had good intentions but it was those evil women who led him astray.' i looked down but i took a look back up at verses 1 & 2. solomon chose to follow his own agenda rather than God's. he strayed from God's commmandment not to intermarry with those foreign women. why?
was he scared? was he scared that God wouldn't back him up and watch over him if these neighboring lands were to declare war on his land and his people? was he scared that these neighboring lands would try to take away all the wealth and power God had given to him? he didn't trust God. he forgot that it was God who gives and takes away, that solomon was a steward of the things God entrusted to him, not the master. but solomon thought he was the master of it all so he took matters into his own hands and followed his own agenda. he probably thought he was in control of the whole situation and by marrying these foreign women it would make him feel secure in being in control. this little sin led to a bigger sin.
i have to stop these little things that steer me away from God in my life dead in their tracks before they turn into bigger sins. complaining may seem harmless to me at first, but they have the potential to grow and cause me to sin, whether it may be a little sin or a big sin. either way, to God both are sins and both are hurtful. a sin is still a sin no matter what size it is. i think i've already sinned because of my inward (and sometimes outward) complaining (some that i'm totally not aware of), so it's got to stop. i've got to think twice when it comes to discontentment. i've got to think of my motives - is it a discontentment that pushes me to desire to do better at something? or is it a discontentment that is just dissatisfaction for the great things already at hand? if it's the latter, then i need to check myself and remind myself of the God i serve and desire to be like.
thanks for the reminder, solomon.
i have to go find my dad's capo.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
i hate washing dishes. this has nothing to do with my blog. just thought i'd put it out there.
i think it's going to be very interesting when God decides for me start dating.
so i had this dream the other night, and it was really really weird. so first it starts with me standing on the sidewalk next to my front lawn with like a crowd of people swarmed around me, who apparently is my close friends and family, bombarding me with questions and suggestions for my wedding arrangements tomorrow. yeah. i know. weird already.
and i'm all like, whoa whoa whoa what's going on? why is my wedding tomorrow? and i dunno nobody answers me and just keep giving me suggestions like it's nothing: "since booking a church for tomorrow is out of the question, we could just have the wedding on our front lawn, and your dad can perform the ceremony, and..." etc. etc.
and i'm like, what the heck is going on?
and apparently, i was not long ago engaged to joon kim, my best friend's ex-"boyfriend" from 7th and 8th grade (except now he's older). if they're such things as boyfriends in 7th and 8th grade. it was awkward. i clearly remember in my dream that i had no idea how i possibly got engaged to that jerk-thug in the first place.
which makes me scared and i'm like, oh man i do NOT want to marry that jerk-face. how did i possibly get to this position? how could my friends and family let me get engaged to this thug?
so i'm like, oh man if i back out, everyone's gonna be so mad but if i marry him, i'll be stuck with him the rest of my life! so i decided that was probably the better decision in the long run. so with my heart thumping of nervousness, i pulled my sister inside my house and said i couldn't go through with it. and she was like, "what?? why??" and all that, and i was just saying it wasn't right, it wasn't right. i didn't love him. and she's like, okay. so the wedding was called off.
so then the scene changes to me being in some sort of ice skating rink area, and i think michelle and dan are with me (which is weird, since they don't know each other). but we don't go ice skating or like...we just finished skating or something and i for some reason go into one of the locker rooms (i think the guys' locker rooms!) to look for dan or something. and i guess it's been a little while since the wedding was called off, but i saw joon sitting by a locker, but i didn't address him at all because i was scared to confront him. and he was looking all mean and thug-like, so i just went about my business looking for dan. and i found him and we started leaving (i don't know where michelle was), and we leave the gate and it looks like we're somewhere like chinatown or something and joon is sitting on somewhere on the side of one of those chinatown streetcorner store things, staring at me and dan as we leave and then as we go past him, he goes inside and then comes back out with his family and his mom (i don't even know what she looks like in real life) starts getting all mad at me and yelling at me for being such a horrible girl and a disgrace to my family and blah blah blah all because i didn't marry her son and stuff.
and that's how the dream ends.
i really want everyone who says they're going to "interview" or "check out" the guy i'm dating, to really follow through with that! your voice will be heard and appreciated!
i think maybe i had that dream because peter ong told me at tecbc randomly but sincerely that he wanted to make sure the guy i start dating is good enough for me. it meant a lot to me, especially since i don't really get a chance to talk to peter that much. but he's pretty awesome and i really take what he says to heart. and he's not the first to say that! i believe i've blogged about this before but there's a lot of people who have been telling me this, and i really do appreciate it and hope you will keep me in check.
i know i'll have a lot of people to support me no matter what happens in the near future :]
wanna know what dream i had last night?
i have one word for you: pokemon.
yeah. i don't think you wanna know.
so i had this dream the other night, and it was really really weird. so first it starts with me standing on the sidewalk next to my front lawn with like a crowd of people swarmed around me, who apparently is my close friends and family, bombarding me with questions and suggestions for my wedding arrangements tomorrow. yeah. i know. weird already.
and i'm all like, whoa whoa whoa what's going on? why is my wedding tomorrow? and i dunno nobody answers me and just keep giving me suggestions like it's nothing: "since booking a church for tomorrow is out of the question, we could just have the wedding on our front lawn, and your dad can perform the ceremony, and..." etc. etc.
and i'm like, what the heck is going on?
and apparently, i was not long ago engaged to joon kim, my best friend's ex-"boyfriend" from 7th and 8th grade (except now he's older). if they're such things as boyfriends in 7th and 8th grade. it was awkward. i clearly remember in my dream that i had no idea how i possibly got engaged to that jerk-thug in the first place.
which makes me scared and i'm like, oh man i do NOT want to marry that jerk-face. how did i possibly get to this position? how could my friends and family let me get engaged to this thug?
so i'm like, oh man if i back out, everyone's gonna be so mad but if i marry him, i'll be stuck with him the rest of my life! so i decided that was probably the better decision in the long run. so with my heart thumping of nervousness, i pulled my sister inside my house and said i couldn't go through with it. and she was like, "what?? why??" and all that, and i was just saying it wasn't right, it wasn't right. i didn't love him. and she's like, okay. so the wedding was called off.
so then the scene changes to me being in some sort of ice skating rink area, and i think michelle and dan are with me (which is weird, since they don't know each other). but we don't go ice skating or like...we just finished skating or something and i for some reason go into one of the locker rooms (i think the guys' locker rooms!) to look for dan or something. and i guess it's been a little while since the wedding was called off, but i saw joon sitting by a locker, but i didn't address him at all because i was scared to confront him. and he was looking all mean and thug-like, so i just went about my business looking for dan. and i found him and we started leaving (i don't know where michelle was), and we leave the gate and it looks like we're somewhere like chinatown or something and joon is sitting on somewhere on the side of one of those chinatown streetcorner store things, staring at me and dan as we leave and then as we go past him, he goes inside and then comes back out with his family and his mom (i don't even know what she looks like in real life) starts getting all mad at me and yelling at me for being such a horrible girl and a disgrace to my family and blah blah blah all because i didn't marry her son and stuff.
and that's how the dream ends.
i really want everyone who says they're going to "interview" or "check out" the guy i'm dating, to really follow through with that! your voice will be heard and appreciated!
i think maybe i had that dream because peter ong told me at tecbc randomly but sincerely that he wanted to make sure the guy i start dating is good enough for me. it meant a lot to me, especially since i don't really get a chance to talk to peter that much. but he's pretty awesome and i really take what he says to heart. and he's not the first to say that! i believe i've blogged about this before but there's a lot of people who have been telling me this, and i really do appreciate it and hope you will keep me in check.
i know i'll have a lot of people to support me no matter what happens in the near future :]
wanna know what dream i had last night?
i have one word for you: pokemon.
yeah. i don't think you wanna know.
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