how could he walk away?

see? i told you i'd be back.

my uber long sleep didn't go as planned. it was interrupted numerous times by the hustle and bustle of our house, but it's okay. i think i still slept pretty well. i had pretty interesting dreams, too.

the rest of my day so far has been pretty good. i fixed my bed, put away my clothes and cleaned off my dresser for the most part. pam forgot her cell at home so i was playing phone operator for a while since she's so popular with calls. i showered and feel clean and drank hot water from my new giant stitch mug and took some more dimetapp that appears to have started to kick in a little bit.

so it's all good.
i was going to play guitar and finish up writing my song, but i realize i misplaced my dad's capo and was desperately looking for it, but have given up, thinking i probably need to trust God that He knows where it is and will reveal it to me when the time comes. He also scolded me for not spending some quiet time with Him, so i decided to do that.

i'm using pam's life application study bible and the leadership essentials book as a devotional book since our group didn't get to finish it by the end of the semester. i decided to use it as a study guide on my own, keeping up with the memory verses while reviewing all the old ones, going into inductive bible studies and reading the articles. i'm determined to remember and keep living out what i've learned from using this book and studying/discussing with carrie, nathan, joanna. i don't want it to be one of those things where i just read it, learn something, but totally forget what i've learned. it's a difficult discipline, but i guess that's part of putting into practice what i've learned - practicing those spiritual disciplines that are hard to keep up but are important if i want God's wind to catch hold of my sails.

so i'm up to chapter 10, which is titled, "taming temptation." to be honest, when i first looked at it, i got all haughty and was like, "yeah, okay, there are no major temptations in my life that i have to deal with. i think i'm doing pretty well." and i thought to myself, "what does this have to do with leadership, anyway?" and of course, i was wrong.

it's an interesting memory verse they gave. here, i'm going to attempt to type it out from memory:

"to the elders among you, i appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings, and one who will also share in the glory to be revealed: be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers - not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away."

dang i forgot the reference. i always forget the reference. i think i got some grammatical things wrong.

it's from...1 Peter 5:1-4. yeah, chief shepherd is supposed to be capitalized. oh well.

anyway, it's interesting how they chose to use this verse as a memory verse because when i first read through it and tried memorizing it i was like, "what the heck does this have to do with temptation?" but then i started answering the questions about the memory verse and realized these verses emphasized the motives of a leader, and that sometimes a leader may be tempted to lead based on the wrong motives and that we need to correct those motives. good reminder.

then i started the inductive bible study, which honestly looked intimidating and not intimidating at the same time. i looked at it expecting it to be something in the new testament (as we had been studying all semester) but was surprised to find that the bible study would be based on 1 kings 11:1-13. my immediate reactions were: 1) to be intimidated because it's the old testament and i never seem to know enough about the old testament to get the full impact of God's Word, and 2) to not be intimidated because it was the story of Solomon and how he had like a bajillion wives and concubines and i totally read this story before so it was familiar and probably would be easier to study than i thought.
so i read the passage again and started answering the questions. the questions seemed pretty easy or self-explanatory. you know, how solomon asked for wisdom and God granted him not only wisdom but wealth and all this other stuff. and then how solomon fell away from God because he married all these women who believed in other gods and he loved them and started following these other gods.

seemed easy enough to figure out, right? but then here comes the doozy. the next question asked: how could someone who had all of solomon's advantages walk away from what he knew to be right?

and then all these thoughts came tumbling through my head:

i thought of celebrities/famous people/actors&actresses/music artists, etc: it usually seems like they have everything they could ever want, and can do whatever they want. even famous Christian music artists like steven curtis chapman, bebo norman, and everyone goes through hard times and suffer through hard things and sin even when they believe in God and want to live a life pleasing to Him. why?
and then i thought of myself: i may not complain out loud all the time (except maybe to michelle), but boy, i complain plenty. and sometimes i complain indirectly. kind of like, rationalizing with myself that i need something more. today after i put away all my clothes i looked in my drawers and saw how many shirts i had. i have TONS of shirts. but yet i always tell myself i'm not satisfied and can always use a new shirt when i'm walking in a store and see one that i really like. but today, looking at my drawer of shirts, i thought to myself: i really don't need any more shirts, nor have i needed any more shirts for a really long time. yet when i'm in a store and see a shirt i like, i don't think of reasons why i don't need that shirt, i think of reasons why i should get the shirt. to me, that's indirectly complaining because i'm expressing dissatisfaction with what i already have by rationalizing with myself that i "need" a new shirt because i'm dissatisfied with the shirts i have. and i really am. i really am dissatsified with a lot of shirts i have but can't bring myself to give more of them away. i've already given away tons of clothes.
but not only clothes! i thought of all the other great things i had: great parents that aren't nosy or over-protective or controlling, and they love me and want what's best for me and sacrifice so much for me; an awesome big sister that takes care of me and loves me and sacrifices so much for me; a house that has heat; always having food in my fridge; just having my parents home a lot; a tv to watch shows and movies; friends who have my back and care about me in ways i probably don't even know; being able to read my bible and just talk about Jesus without being afraid of being arrested or killed; just walking outside without a fear of a bomb exploding or gunshots ringing throughout the street; and i am continuously getting to know my God, a mighty, powerful, unchanging God that loves me unconditionally and blesses me every single day with His mercy and grace...i mean, come on, i have SO much to be thankful for, so why am i always discontent, even to a small degree?
and i think about all of my sins. i think about the mistakes i've made that i'm aware of, and the mistakes i've made that i'm not aware of. i think about some of the times i've hurt others, especially those closest to me. i think about the decisions i've made, and how so many of them were poor decisions. i think about all my failures and mess-ups, and times i wish i had do-overs.
and then i asked myself, "how could someone who had all of my advantages walk away from what i knew to be right?"

and i thought about solomon. and i thought about me. and i thought about the easy answers i'd just answered. i racked my brain. there's something connected here. i knew there was something connected here. i knew this. there was something here i knew that i couldn't put my finger on.

so i read the passage again.

and i realized i had missed something. i knew that solomon had married seven hundred wives in order to make peace treaties of some kind with other countries and stuff and that's why he was led astray from God because they all believed in different gods. but it wasn't just that. if it was just that, you could say, 'hey it wasn't entirely solomon's fault. he had good intentions but it was those evil women who led him astray.' i looked down but i took a look back up at verses 1 & 2. solomon chose to follow his own agenda rather than God's. he strayed from God's commmandment not to intermarry with those foreign women. why?
was he scared? was he scared that God wouldn't back him up and watch over him if these neighboring lands were to declare war on his land and his people? was he scared that these neighboring lands would try to take away all the wealth and power God had given to him? he didn't trust God. he forgot that it was God who gives and takes away, that solomon was a steward of the things God entrusted to him, not the master. but solomon thought he was the master of it all so he took matters into his own hands and followed his own agenda. he probably thought he was in control of the whole situation and by marrying these foreign women it would make him feel secure in being in control. this little sin led to a bigger sin.

i have to stop these little things that steer me away from God in my life dead in their tracks before they turn into bigger sins. complaining may seem harmless to me at first, but they have the potential to grow and cause me to sin, whether it may be a little sin or a big sin. either way, to God both are sins and both are hurtful. a sin is still a sin no matter what size it is. i think i've already sinned because of my inward (and sometimes outward) complaining (some that i'm totally not aware of), so it's got to stop. i've got to think twice when it comes to discontentment. i've got to think of my motives - is it a discontentment that pushes me to desire to do better at something? or is it a discontentment that is just dissatisfaction for the great things already at hand? if it's the latter, then i need to check myself and remind myself of the God i serve and desire to be like.

thanks for the reminder, solomon.

i have to go find my dad's capo.