Lately I've been thinking about how I'm 24 years old and how that seems quite bizarre to me.
When I was in high school I thought 24-year-olds (or almost any twenty-something, I guess) carried themselves with a sense of maturity while simultaneously pull off being cool and fun. I thought they could be as proper as the Old English could be during tea time. And I thought they gushed with wisdom in such a way that they seemed to have life pretty much all figured out.
Boy, was I sure wrong about this 24-year-old.
I still feel like I'm 17 and still have nothing figured out. There's this sense of naivete I can't seem to shake off. I sometimes feel like I live under a rock even though I thought I got out from under it. Maybe I'm scared to be exposed to the elements. I don't want to leave my ideals behind to make space for cynicism and jaded attitudes.
But I'm beginning to feel these elements brush alongside of me this year.
Prior to moving to Rochester, I had never really experienced any personal encounters with racist remarks. Before this year I could've told maybe just one story from middle school that I wasn't even offended by because I didn't really understand it. But from this year I could probably tell you about at least 5 different incidents. They each evoked a different level of emotion, but now they more so just stand out in my mind rather than seem to weigh me down. At the same time, there are instances I hear about or witness that I feel like I should feel offended about but am not. Try that on for size. Still a very confused Asian American as ever.
Death nowadays seems to weigh heavier in my heart. The two closest people to me who passed away were my grandfather and my favorite teacher, Mrs. Hamilton, who taught me in the 4th grade. And when they passed away, I was in middle school and it didn't really sink in as much as it would have now. There's also something different and a bit removed about experiencing the death of your great-grandparents or grandparents' friends than knowing a friend's first baby girl who passed because of a rare cancer, or your dentist who went to the church you grew up in who also passed away from cancer, or the tragedy of the pastor who did your pre-marital counseling who suddenly passed from a rare pregnancy complication right after giving birth to her second child. It all hits much closer to home and wells up that it-doesn't-seem-fair kind of anger in me that comes from an less familiar part of my heart.
Being out of school and out of those immediate relational contexts makes me feel like I've forgotten all I've learned intellectually and relationally. And it's still so easy for me to compare myself to others (I know, I know, bad habit) that it's hard for me to figure out what I'm actually good at or what I can even offer the world. I've been letting my drive, my focus, and my discipline drip out of me like a leaky faucet.
This blog has kind of been like a bucket underneath the leaky faucet. I'm not really sure how to stop the leak, but I'm catching what I can and am trying to figure out what to do with it. This blog, even with long breaks between posts, is the only thing I keep coming back to.
At least I'm not too naive to think that I'll have everything figured out in my thirties.
Showing posts with label Introspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introspective. Show all posts
Friday, December 20, 2013
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Whac-an-insecurity.
So I'm beginning to find that this whole
newlywed-in-a-new-town-with-a-new-job-looking-for-a-new-community thing
is turning out to be a lot like the "Whac-a-mole" carnival game. At
least, that's what I think of in terms of recognizing how I'm doing
during this whole adjustment period. It's more like,
"Whac-an-insecurity" kind of game.
Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing. Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well. I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears.
It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere. They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities. One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong. I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.
It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions. And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them. It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.
I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity. I'm not quite sure where it came from. Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament. It's probably both and then some.
After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well. Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either. I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace. There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react. There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that. But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that. It's a discernment process to work on.
Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.
I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:
Maybe that's how I'll answer people when they ask me how I'm doing. Because for the most part, I'm doing pretty well. I'm content but not settled, at peace and not deeply stressed out, mostly happy but managing to find joy in Him in times of tears.
It's just that there are these moments where something will seem to pop up almost out of nowhere. They come in unexpected moments of "little things" that tap into old or deep insecurities. One of the biggest is this insecurity of being wrong. I think it's one of the subconscious reasons why I often fall on the indecisive side most of the time. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want to carry the shame or responsibility for choosing the wrong thing.
It seeps into a lot of areas in my life - not wanting to lead others in the wrong direction at work, not wanting to react to situations in the wrong way, not wanting to make the wrong decisions. And when I think about it, the way I tend to measure how "wrong" my decision is falls on the basis of how upset or happy people are after I make them. It ties into my character of wanting to please people and make them happy and proud of me.
I've reflected a lot on this deep insecurity. I'm not quite sure where it came from. Part of it could be the Asian-American culture I grew up in, but part of it could just be my temperament. It's probably both and then some.
After thinking about it for a bit, I think the insecurity goes hand-in-hand with how much I don't understand God's grace very well. Meaning, I think I'm not really good at recognizing when He offers it to me, and so I'm not really good at receiving it, either. I think sometimes I even move into this self-righteous mode in moments where because I had tried so hard not to be "wrong" it somehow cancels out my need God's grace. There are many times, too, where I need to recognize that wrong/right is not based on how I expect people to react. There are times when I'll move in a good direction and people will be upset by that. But there will also be times when I'll move in a poor direction and people will be happy with that. It's a discernment process to work on.
Though it's obvious that I need to remember instead of knocking my insecurities down like a whac-a-mole I need to give it to Jesus, it's way easier said than done.
I wanted to end this post with a funny whac-a-mole video, but when I searched YouTube, I found this instead:
And of course, you can't leave out a good video from The Ellen Show:
Now I want to eat some guacamole.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Moving out of Section A and into Section B.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be transfer student. You're in a new town and a new school, but you're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue as to where things are or what the heck you should be doing, people kind of assume that you do. You're not a freshman, so even though you don't have a clue, you don't have hundreds of other people around you who also don't have a clue that you can instantly bond and become friends with over the fact that you don't have a clue and can be comforted in having those new friends who are alongside of you for the journey of figuring it all out. You're a transfer student. You want friends. But they don't come easy because people have already made their friends and no one's really looking for any new ones. You're not a freshman and you're a transfer student without a clue and without any friends, so you get lost. You get lost and yet people ask you for directions, expecting you to have the answers, but you just don't know anything. Because you're a transfer student, you kind of get the gist of what college life is like, but because you're in a new context the college life takes a different shape that you're not quite familiar with.
I haven't been able to put my finger on how I've been feeling over this summer or just within these past few weeks. It all feels the same but it all feels different. I feel lonely, but not really. I feel unsettled, but not really. I feel sad, but I don't know what about and I don't know why. Just a few days or maybe a week ago I said I was happy, but knew the fair-weather feeling wouldn't be around long. Well, the time has come. Good ol' happiness has left the building.
It's the part of the story where the main character doesn't quite know how they got here.
Bill Hybels always describes a leader as someone who moves others from "here" (i.e. the current state) to "there" (i.e. the reality of the vision). Here's something he brought up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit. Let's say this diagram describes that process of going from "here" to "there":
Would you say it's A, B, or C?
The people around me thought it was C. My gut instinct was B, but then I was succumbed to "groupthink" and thought it was C.
The answer? Section B. Section B is where the vision is most vulnerable. The reason? Well, according to Bill Hybels, for Section A, the vision is strong. You're pumped up, you're excited, you're on fire and ready to do anything and go anywhere right out of the gate. The vision has successfully energized you into action. For Section C, you're so close to the vision becoming a reality that it fires you back up. You make the last push. You endure through whatever's going on now because you can see the end. You're so close, you can almost taste the victory.
For Section B, however, neither the beginning nor the end are in sight. Bill Hybels says that Section B is where you realize you're not invincible but neither can you see the end. The initial high spirits and excitement has died down; your weaknesses, flaws, and lack of control rise to the surface tenfold; and success is not even on your radar. No wonder why the vision is most vulnerable there.
So I maybe my life right now feels like a transfer student who also may not be quite in the depths of Section B, but have definitively moved very far away from, "here." I want to live a good story, but I don't know what I want. I want to live a good story, but I also need to work with what I've been given.
I guess it means I've got to cast vision to myself again. I've got to find ways to keep the vision alive. And maybe that means I need to dream a little. And then maybe flesh out those dreams a little more. Then maybe all of these piles and piles of goals and strategies and plans and action steps will make a little more sense and become a little clearer so I can chuck the ones that don't fit right now.
It's the part of the story where the main character doesn't quite know how they got here.
Bill Hybels always describes a leader as someone who moves others from "here" (i.e. the current state) to "there" (i.e. the reality of the vision). Here's something he brought up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit. Let's say this diagram describes that process of going from "here" to "there":
Here -------------------------------------------------------------------There
Now, let me ask you a question: If we were to divide this process into three sections, at which section do you think the vision is most vulnerable?
[Here -------------------][-------------------------][-----------------------There]
A B CWould you say it's A, B, or C?
The people around me thought it was C. My gut instinct was B, but then I was succumbed to "groupthink" and thought it was C.
The answer? Section B. Section B is where the vision is most vulnerable. The reason? Well, according to Bill Hybels, for Section A, the vision is strong. You're pumped up, you're excited, you're on fire and ready to do anything and go anywhere right out of the gate. The vision has successfully energized you into action. For Section C, you're so close to the vision becoming a reality that it fires you back up. You make the last push. You endure through whatever's going on now because you can see the end. You're so close, you can almost taste the victory.
For Section B, however, neither the beginning nor the end are in sight. Bill Hybels says that Section B is where you realize you're not invincible but neither can you see the end. The initial high spirits and excitement has died down; your weaknesses, flaws, and lack of control rise to the surface tenfold; and success is not even on your radar. No wonder why the vision is most vulnerable there.
So I maybe my life right now feels like a transfer student who also may not be quite in the depths of Section B, but have definitively moved very far away from, "here." I want to live a good story, but I don't know what I want. I want to live a good story, but I also need to work with what I've been given.
I guess it means I've got to cast vision to myself again. I've got to find ways to keep the vision alive. And maybe that means I need to dream a little. And then maybe flesh out those dreams a little more. Then maybe all of these piles and piles of goals and strategies and plans and action steps will make a little more sense and become a little clearer so I can chuck the ones that don't fit right now.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Why lists work for me.
Lists often function as flotation devices for me. They help me function in an ocean of thoughts or help me get out of brain traffic jams.
During my conference last week I felt like I was held in suspension above a large chasm, having left one side but not really moving towards the other side yet until the conference was over. But now that I'm back, I feel like I'm just pulling through the mud of this heat in a wandering spirit, being pulled from one thought or task to another, not really getting anything done or when I do, not really feeling accomplished.
So I think the solution to this mind packed with little details here, tiny things to consider here, things to get done but those things not coming to the forefront of my mind is: to make lists.
They are concrete and allow me to tie all of my thoughts and tasks to something that won't float away from any small distractions. And then I can refer back to my lists instead of trusting my unreliable brain to remember what I need to do or think about. And THEN, when I actually complete something, I can cross it off and I don't have to think about it anymore!
I can also use that space (particularly when I have long lists and type them in an outline form on my computer) to brainstorm ideas, questions, and thoughts freely without feeling like I'm signing my life away to a decision or losing something that could potentially grow into something better.
So far, my outline for this summer is two pages long. And those are only my initial thoughts.
Lists are wonderful. Gosh, no wonder why I'm 89% "Judging" on the Myers-Briggs test. In dealing with the outside world, I prefer to have things decided and set. I definitely enjoy creating structures and order!
During my conference last week I felt like I was held in suspension above a large chasm, having left one side but not really moving towards the other side yet until the conference was over. But now that I'm back, I feel like I'm just pulling through the mud of this heat in a wandering spirit, being pulled from one thought or task to another, not really getting anything done or when I do, not really feeling accomplished.
So I think the solution to this mind packed with little details here, tiny things to consider here, things to get done but those things not coming to the forefront of my mind is: to make lists.
They are concrete and allow me to tie all of my thoughts and tasks to something that won't float away from any small distractions. And then I can refer back to my lists instead of trusting my unreliable brain to remember what I need to do or think about. And THEN, when I actually complete something, I can cross it off and I don't have to think about it anymore!
I can also use that space (particularly when I have long lists and type them in an outline form on my computer) to brainstorm ideas, questions, and thoughts freely without feeling like I'm signing my life away to a decision or losing something that could potentially grow into something better.
So far, my outline for this summer is two pages long. And those are only my initial thoughts.
Lists are wonderful. Gosh, no wonder why I'm 89% "Judging" on the Myers-Briggs test. In dealing with the outside world, I prefer to have things decided and set. I definitely enjoy creating structures and order!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Conflict and confrontation connections.
I used to despise conflict and dread confrontation. I'd avoid them like the plague. I'd do what it takes to keep the peace, even if it means unhealthily sweeping things under the rug and just absorbing my own disagreement. If denying my own feelings or opinions would prevent conflicts from arising, I'll keep them to myself to keep the other person(s) happy.
Now, this is something I've known about myself for a while. It goes along with the idea that I used to be a lot more fearless when I was younger and how I grew to become more cautious over the years. When I was younger I'd push my boundaries a bit and take a few more risks. But I'd oftentimes learn that the consequences of doing that frequently led to some form of pain or punishment: emotional, mental, social, or physical.
So in my relationships with authorities, families, and especially friends, I wasn't a big fan of the consequences of conflicts because it often led to hurt feelings, yelling/arguments, misunderstanding, unhappiness. I dealt with it by learning that if I did what people told me to do, if I denied vocalizing things that would push back against another person or authority, I wouldn't put myself in a conflict situation where I could ultimately face the wrath of emotional pain or punishment.
You could also throw in the facets of my personality that like things black and white, distaste of the "grey" areas, my perfectionism disposition, and my Asian-American tendencies of passive-aggressiveness, respecting elders/authorities, and avoiding shame, and you've got a whole slew of other factors of why I tend to avoid conflicts.
But to sum it up - I tend avoid any kind of conflict to ultimately protect myself.
Yes, avoiding conflict can be a very selfish thing. You ignore or put yourself above the other person's needs or the relationship's needs, and serve yourself instead. And friends, that is definitely not how we love one another.
Thankfully, during my many moments of introspection, along with good friends and family in my life who love me, I've become aware of this pattern of mine. And becoming aware of it also helps me do two things: 1) get to the root of why I respond the way I do, and 2) see the flaws or destructiveness to myself and to others I have relationships with. And after becoming aware of myself, I can focus on ways I can change or be aware and prepare others for future situations.
One thing I've had to learn (often the hard way) is that conflict is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very healthy part of life and any relationship you have with anyone.
I once heard an analogy of how having conflict is like putting a couple of rocks into a rock tumbler. You throw them in and as the canister spins, the rocks collide and rub against each other so that after some time, when you take them out, they're shiny and smooth and really pretty.
Conflicts will shape us by how we choose to handle them when they inevitably arise. We can choose to engage or we can choose to hop out of the rock tumbler. Yeah, you'd be the same rock you've always been, strong and safe from harm's way, but do you really want to bury what God has given you? With God's love for us we have a chance to dig under our tough skin and let others see the real us. As messy as the real us may be, there's something beautiful about smoothing off those edges.
So if there's one reason why I'm thankful I've been learning this already is that it has indeed been preparing me for marriage. Ladies and gents, I am fully convinced (even as I am not married yet) that if I had not been learning how to deal with conflicts in my relationships with others (friends, family, random people, etc.), I would not be ready to get married...to anyone! Think about it - I'm pretty much guaranteed to have conflicts with Nathan for the rest of my life. We're going to be each other's faces all the time because we're melding together our lives. So if I can't learn to handle conflicts well with my friends and family, what makes me think I can handle conflicts well with my husband?
Learning to face conflicts and undergo confrontation is an ongoing process. It's so easy for me to dance around than confront what could be the cold, hard truth with myself or with others. Sometimes I fall back into the habit of avoiding it. But I definitely see the importance of both and see the dangers of what could/would happen if they don't happen. And because of that, I am more inclined and willing to go through the tension and uncomfortable feelings for the sake of the relationship and the other person than I would have been in the past.
By this all men will know that you are my disciples - if you love one another. --John 13:35
Now, this is something I've known about myself for a while. It goes along with the idea that I used to be a lot more fearless when I was younger and how I grew to become more cautious over the years. When I was younger I'd push my boundaries a bit and take a few more risks. But I'd oftentimes learn that the consequences of doing that frequently led to some form of pain or punishment: emotional, mental, social, or physical.
So in my relationships with authorities, families, and especially friends, I wasn't a big fan of the consequences of conflicts because it often led to hurt feelings, yelling/arguments, misunderstanding, unhappiness. I dealt with it by learning that if I did what people told me to do, if I denied vocalizing things that would push back against another person or authority, I wouldn't put myself in a conflict situation where I could ultimately face the wrath of emotional pain or punishment.
You could also throw in the facets of my personality that like things black and white, distaste of the "grey" areas, my perfectionism disposition, and my Asian-American tendencies of passive-aggressiveness, respecting elders/authorities, and avoiding shame, and you've got a whole slew of other factors of why I tend to avoid conflicts.
But to sum it up - I tend avoid any kind of conflict to ultimately protect myself.
Yes, avoiding conflict can be a very selfish thing. You ignore or put yourself above the other person's needs or the relationship's needs, and serve yourself instead. And friends, that is definitely not how we love one another.
Thankfully, during my many moments of introspection, along with good friends and family in my life who love me, I've become aware of this pattern of mine. And becoming aware of it also helps me do two things: 1) get to the root of why I respond the way I do, and 2) see the flaws or destructiveness to myself and to others I have relationships with. And after becoming aware of myself, I can focus on ways I can change or be aware and prepare others for future situations.
One thing I've had to learn (often the hard way) is that conflict is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very healthy part of life and any relationship you have with anyone.
Conflicts will shape us by how we choose to handle them when they inevitably arise. We can choose to engage or we can choose to hop out of the rock tumbler. Yeah, you'd be the same rock you've always been, strong and safe from harm's way, but do you really want to bury what God has given you? With God's love for us we have a chance to dig under our tough skin and let others see the real us. As messy as the real us may be, there's something beautiful about smoothing off those edges.
So if there's one reason why I'm thankful I've been learning this already is that it has indeed been preparing me for marriage. Ladies and gents, I am fully convinced (even as I am not married yet) that if I had not been learning how to deal with conflicts in my relationships with others (friends, family, random people, etc.), I would not be ready to get married...to anyone! Think about it - I'm pretty much guaranteed to have conflicts with Nathan for the rest of my life. We're going to be each other's faces all the time because we're melding together our lives. So if I can't learn to handle conflicts well with my friends and family, what makes me think I can handle conflicts well with my husband?
Learning to face conflicts and undergo confrontation is an ongoing process. It's so easy for me to dance around than confront what could be the cold, hard truth with myself or with others. Sometimes I fall back into the habit of avoiding it. But I definitely see the importance of both and see the dangers of what could/would happen if they don't happen. And because of that, I am more inclined and willing to go through the tension and uncomfortable feelings for the sake of the relationship and the other person than I would have been in the past.
By this all men will know that you are my disciples - if you love one another. --John 13:35
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Mild melancholy.
On Sunday evening I came home to an extremely messy apartment that would normally stress me out, but instead I rolled up my sleeves and was excited to get started. There were a number of reasons for this: one being that it was a project I could start, work hard on, see to completion and delight in the fruits of my labor; while the other being that I was in a funky state of mind since the weekend and didn't know why or what had caused it. I was ready to clean up whatever mess my brain and heart had accumulated from the external stimuli of the weekend.
Something on Saturday night acted like a straw that broke this camel's back. I realized it wasn't really the content or events of the end of the year banquet itself that I attended that spurred this on, but rather a question that Pam Lee had posed to me in a conversation we were having. She explained some of her plans for the future and asked me how I've been dealing with moving away from family and friends and the realities of them moving on with their lives without me (sort of). In the moment she asked, it didn't really bring anything new to light - I had been mentally aware that leaving community behind was going to be my reality and is simply a part of life. But it wasn't until later on that night as I was recalling that moment when I realized how much I needed to look in the mirror and face the reality of what I really felt. In what seemed like a flash of a moment, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness but didn't really understand where this was all coming from.
So strangely enough, my attempt to internally process during my cleaning endeavors was not very helpful. I focused, I cleaned, I reviewed, but couldn't really figure out anything significant. But then again, now that I think about it, I don't think I was actually looking very hard.
My internal diagnoses weren't really getting me anywhere beyond mixed feelings of sadness and I was still in this sad daze on Monday, so it was good to just talk to someone...which ended up being Nathan. Talking about it helped me not just identify a little bit of what I've been feeling, but helped tie those feelings in with the patterns I've been experiencing all year, particularly with my overall temptation to feel like a failure and be full of regret.
It wasn't just that I was going to miss some key people in my life - it was this sense of not having closure and not having time to make it happen. It's as if I was reading a sentence at the bottom of the page of a book, turning the page expecting to finish the sentence, only to find that the page is blank. That's how I feel about these last few weeks in Binghamton. There are still tasks to complete, and it didn't seem to be prime time for creating closure.
I've been feeling helpless, useless, sometimes frustrated with myself and sometimes frustrated with others. I'm stuck in limbo, floating around until something hits me.
But I started this post a few days ago and things seemed to be turning around a little bit. Now that I've identified this feeling of lack of closure, I can focus on trying to come up with ways I need to create that closure for myself. As I share my thoughts and feelings with others they've helped remind me that it's okay to make mistakes, it's not my job to "fix" everybody and everything, and that the weight of that responsibility falls on the shoulders of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am reminded of that freedom I have in Christ and how I can trust the One who loves the people in my community more than I do.
Something on Saturday night acted like a straw that broke this camel's back. I realized it wasn't really the content or events of the end of the year banquet itself that I attended that spurred this on, but rather a question that Pam Lee had posed to me in a conversation we were having. She explained some of her plans for the future and asked me how I've been dealing with moving away from family and friends and the realities of them moving on with their lives without me (sort of). In the moment she asked, it didn't really bring anything new to light - I had been mentally aware that leaving community behind was going to be my reality and is simply a part of life. But it wasn't until later on that night as I was recalling that moment when I realized how much I needed to look in the mirror and face the reality of what I really felt. In what seemed like a flash of a moment, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness but didn't really understand where this was all coming from.
So strangely enough, my attempt to internally process during my cleaning endeavors was not very helpful. I focused, I cleaned, I reviewed, but couldn't really figure out anything significant. But then again, now that I think about it, I don't think I was actually looking very hard.
My internal diagnoses weren't really getting me anywhere beyond mixed feelings of sadness and I was still in this sad daze on Monday, so it was good to just talk to someone...which ended up being Nathan. Talking about it helped me not just identify a little bit of what I've been feeling, but helped tie those feelings in with the patterns I've been experiencing all year, particularly with my overall temptation to feel like a failure and be full of regret.
It wasn't just that I was going to miss some key people in my life - it was this sense of not having closure and not having time to make it happen. It's as if I was reading a sentence at the bottom of the page of a book, turning the page expecting to finish the sentence, only to find that the page is blank. That's how I feel about these last few weeks in Binghamton. There are still tasks to complete, and it didn't seem to be prime time for creating closure.
I've been feeling helpless, useless, sometimes frustrated with myself and sometimes frustrated with others. I'm stuck in limbo, floating around until something hits me.
But I started this post a few days ago and things seemed to be turning around a little bit. Now that I've identified this feeling of lack of closure, I can focus on trying to come up with ways I need to create that closure for myself. As I share my thoughts and feelings with others they've helped remind me that it's okay to make mistakes, it's not my job to "fix" everybody and everything, and that the weight of that responsibility falls on the shoulders of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am reminded of that freedom I have in Christ and how I can trust the One who loves the people in my community more than I do.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
My wedding planning blues.
"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."
Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.
So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month? Nada. Nothing. Zippo. I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles. That's it.
Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning. Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of. It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.
At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl. You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal? What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"
But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.
First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine. Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit. And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.
But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:
1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress. I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details. Why would I torture myself that way? It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?
2) The reality of costs and budgets. I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.
3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead. I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.
4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed. And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate. But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.
But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.
It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married. It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what? It can be fun, too."
So here's what I'm thinking:
1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.
2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget. The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.
3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice! The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.
4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies. It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation. By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.
So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.
I'm diving in!
"Well...it's not."
Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.
So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month? Nada. Nothing. Zippo. I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles. That's it.
Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning. Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of. It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.
At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl. You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal? What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"
But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.
First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine. Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit. And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.
But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:
1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress. I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details. Why would I torture myself that way? It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?
2) The reality of costs and budgets. I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.
3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead. I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.
4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed. And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate. But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.
But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.
It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married. It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what? It can be fun, too."
So here's what I'm thinking:
1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.
2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget. The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.
3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice! The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.
4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies. It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation. By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.
So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.
I'm diving in!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Bless the Lord.
Emotional workaholic.
Nathan made that term up. That's what he called me today on the phone. I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done. I agreed and said that's probably what it is. And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.
They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?
My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.
My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience: I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.
My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.
I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly. This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school. This time, it's just got a different face. Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important. And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight. It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.
My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.
The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks. Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea. It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in. Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians. I am no exception.
If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have. It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time. So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it. I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.
Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance." At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic. I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is. When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else. I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is: why do we settle for less?
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5
Nathan made that term up. That's what he called me today on the phone. I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done. I agreed and said that's probably what it is. And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.
They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?
My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.
My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience: I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.
My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.
I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly. This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school. This time, it's just got a different face. Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important. And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight. It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.
My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.
The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks. Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea. It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in. Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians. I am no exception.
If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have. It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time. So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it. I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.
Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance." At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic. I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is. When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else. I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is: why do we settle for less?
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5
If you have time you should check out the twenty questions you can ask yourself to see if you're just like me.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sedimentary thoughts.
I surprised myself today. Packing my bags and living out of suitcases for three straight weeks is not usually my ideal kind of lifestyle. The first few days aren't so bad, but after a while I normally get tired of bustling from one place to another and am mentally ready to come home.
Strangely enough, I didn't feel like a nomad at all. Even with the hours of traveling by bus, by plane, by car and by foot, I didn't feel aloof or disconnected. I was neither dreading nor longing to be back in Binghamton or NYC or anywhere else for that matter, and was as present and flexible as I wanted and needed to be.
It was also weird to find that although my external life was constantly "shaken up" (surrounded by different groups people with things happening all the time), I didn't feel agitated or bottled up from not having alone time to reflect or process information and feelings I had been accumulating.
So I caught myself off-guard when my friends dropped me off at my empty apartment today and I suddenly didn't want to be there all by myself. The silence felt like someone had slammed on the breaks while I had been peacefully sleeping in the passenger seat of a car. My "fight or flight" mental and emotional alarms were screaming, "Flight! Flight! Flight!" for some reason, and instead of soaking in the quiet I started oozing feelings of loneliness and sadness.
It was extremely tempting to turn on some music, go on Facebook, give Carrie a call, or watch a tv show to distract myself from the fact that I was now all by myself and did not want to sit in stillness around me. But my "fight" alarms started kicking in and resisted the temptations to give in. It looks like my brain decided that if I was going to get past this I needed to face the fears and insecurities head-on and linger in the tension between what I know and what I feel.
And it has helped. Reflecting and thinking about my actions and feelings from these past few weeks is helping me do a lot of things: recognize areas I need to ask God for forgiveness; identify the ways God has been gracious and merciful to me - which provokes my heart to be filled with gratitude; give praise to the Lord who is with me and shows me how much I am loved; and shed light on new hope for the future. Processing is making it easier for me to lift these confessions and delights up in prayer.
So as the residue continues to settle, I am confident that my Lord hears me, sees me, and reminds me to focus on the truth of His presence over the lies of my loneliness.
Strangely enough, I didn't feel like a nomad at all. Even with the hours of traveling by bus, by plane, by car and by foot, I didn't feel aloof or disconnected. I was neither dreading nor longing to be back in Binghamton or NYC or anywhere else for that matter, and was as present and flexible as I wanted and needed to be.
It was also weird to find that although my external life was constantly "shaken up" (surrounded by different groups people with things happening all the time), I didn't feel agitated or bottled up from not having alone time to reflect or process information and feelings I had been accumulating.
So I caught myself off-guard when my friends dropped me off at my empty apartment today and I suddenly didn't want to be there all by myself. The silence felt like someone had slammed on the breaks while I had been peacefully sleeping in the passenger seat of a car. My "fight or flight" mental and emotional alarms were screaming, "Flight! Flight! Flight!" for some reason, and instead of soaking in the quiet I started oozing feelings of loneliness and sadness.
It was extremely tempting to turn on some music, go on Facebook, give Carrie a call, or watch a tv show to distract myself from the fact that I was now all by myself and did not want to sit in stillness around me. But my "fight" alarms started kicking in and resisted the temptations to give in. It looks like my brain decided that if I was going to get past this I needed to face the fears and insecurities head-on and linger in the tension between what I know and what I feel.
And it has helped. Reflecting and thinking about my actions and feelings from these past few weeks is helping me do a lot of things: recognize areas I need to ask God for forgiveness; identify the ways God has been gracious and merciful to me - which provokes my heart to be filled with gratitude; give praise to the Lord who is with me and shows me how much I am loved; and shed light on new hope for the future. Processing is making it easier for me to lift these confessions and delights up in prayer.
So as the residue continues to settle, I am confident that my Lord hears me, sees me, and reminds me to focus on the truth of His presence over the lies of my loneliness.
Friday, December 2, 2011
It's back.
Have you seen those commercials or movies that show time freezing except for the main characters? You know, the whole people-stop-moving, wave-your-hand-in-front-of-someone's-eyes-to-see-if-they-blink thing? I wish that could happen to me. I'm pretty much selfishly asking the world to stop for me. But it's not so I could pull funny pranks or prevent bad things from happening, or even to change things to tip the scale in my favor. I just wish the world would slow down so I can have more time to think and process.
Speaking of such, let's give a warm welcome to my introverted personality, which has come back in full force. Not that I suddenly stopped being introverted, but there's definitely been a good chunk of time where my extroverted side was dominating so much that it felt like my introverted tendencies had taken a vacation.
Not only has my introverted personality returned, but it brought home the unwanted baggage of hyper-sensitivity and sluggish functionality. Over the past several weeks, thinking and mulling over things has made me want to cry, and sharing things with others didn't really make a difference. It feels like a lose-lose. And then I get frustrated at myself and feel like such a stereotypical girl for crying so much. I appreciate having one good big cry to let everything out - it's a freeing sensation and emptying in such a way that I feel like the space has been cleared to be filled again. But crying really hard more than once within a short period of time? That's just annoying.
I think the last time I cried so often and was on the verge of tears so frequently in such condensed spurts of time was probably my senior year of high school. It's funny because a major difference between how I responded in high school and how I'm responding now is very different. Back then I kept asking myself and asking God the question of 'why' - why this road, why me, why now. But at this point in my life things haven't been a matter of knowing the reasons behind circumstances or the purpose of putting me through such grey areas. I know and trust that God would be glorified, that He keeps His promises and that good will result in some shape or form that I may not ever recognize or understand. I'm okay with that.
Instead I find that I keep asking myself and asking God the question, "Am I doing the right thing?" or, "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?" and every time I ask it in my head, I immediately know I'm asking the wrong question. It leaves the bitter taste of wanting answers with questions I know I can't ask lingering in my mouth.
Ugh. There's just been so much going on in my head. And it's frustrating because it makes it that much harder for me to stay present and work hard to be productive for things that have to get done right now. It holds me back from moving forward.
If there's anything I've figured out so far, it's that this whole ordeal continues to fuel more of this hunger and thirst to know God and follow Him with my life. And I know it'll be worth it all.
Speaking of such, let's give a warm welcome to my introverted personality, which has come back in full force. Not that I suddenly stopped being introverted, but there's definitely been a good chunk of time where my extroverted side was dominating so much that it felt like my introverted tendencies had taken a vacation.
Not only has my introverted personality returned, but it brought home the unwanted baggage of hyper-sensitivity and sluggish functionality. Over the past several weeks, thinking and mulling over things has made me want to cry, and sharing things with others didn't really make a difference. It feels like a lose-lose. And then I get frustrated at myself and feel like such a stereotypical girl for crying so much. I appreciate having one good big cry to let everything out - it's a freeing sensation and emptying in such a way that I feel like the space has been cleared to be filled again. But crying really hard more than once within a short period of time? That's just annoying.
I think the last time I cried so often and was on the verge of tears so frequently in such condensed spurts of time was probably my senior year of high school. It's funny because a major difference between how I responded in high school and how I'm responding now is very different. Back then I kept asking myself and asking God the question of 'why' - why this road, why me, why now. But at this point in my life things haven't been a matter of knowing the reasons behind circumstances or the purpose of putting me through such grey areas. I know and trust that God would be glorified, that He keeps His promises and that good will result in some shape or form that I may not ever recognize or understand. I'm okay with that.
Instead I find that I keep asking myself and asking God the question, "Am I doing the right thing?" or, "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?" and every time I ask it in my head, I immediately know I'm asking the wrong question. It leaves the bitter taste of wanting answers with questions I know I can't ask lingering in my mouth.
Ugh. There's just been so much going on in my head. And it's frustrating because it makes it that much harder for me to stay present and work hard to be productive for things that have to get done right now. It holds me back from moving forward.
If there's anything I've figured out so far, it's that this whole ordeal continues to fuel more of this hunger and thirst to know God and follow Him with my life. And I know it'll be worth it all.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Today, like many days.
It's not my birthday. It's not Christmas. It's not the weekend. I haven't been physically or emotionally hurt. No one sent me any random cards, letters or packages in the mail. No one gave me flowers. No one treated me to a meal. I'm pretty sure someone has prayed for me today even if they didn't tell me they did. Even if no one did, it wouldn't matter. I'm not fishing for compliments. I don't feel lonely. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel like I'm missing out on something in life. I haven't had a deep, thought-provoking conversation. I don't think I've necessarily grown closer to anyone or further away from those already close to me. No one gave me extra spending money. No one gave an anonymous large donation to my ministry. No one has given me an encouraging word. No one offered me a ride to places I need to go. No one gave me advice. I'm not sick. I'm not depressed. I'm not apathetic. I care - about people, about strangers, about issues, about myself, about my responsibilities. No one has poured out their heart to me. No one has asked how I'm doing and genuinely cared about the answer. No one has entrusted me with a secret. I've ruined my own surprises for the week, but I'm not upset about it...anymore. I spent more money than I would have liked this month. I don't feel pressured by anyone. I don't feel constrained or restricted or bound to someone else's expectations. It's beautiful outside, but even if it wasn't, it wouldn't matter. I'm not having a good hair day, but it's not a bad hair day either. No one switched around their schedule for me. No one went out of their way to do something for me. No one has gone out of their way to reach me. No one told me they needed me. No one asked for my help. No one wrote on my Facebook wall, commented on my photos, or liked my Facebook status. No one told me they read my blog. No one texted me. No one told me they thought of me when they heard this song or read this book or talked to this person. I don't feel beautiful but I don't feel ugly. I don't feel like a failure. I've been working hard but I don't feel like I've been working hard enough. I feel lazy. I feel productive. I feel accomplished and I feel like there's much more to get done. I'm not looking for someone's approval. I don't need a hug, but they are welcomed. I'm not settling. I am not satisfied with the way the world is. I am serving my family and my friends as best as I humanly can. I hope for the best and plan for the worst. I have many questions without answers but I'm okay with never knowing them. No one has showered me with compliments. No one has recommended the perfect outfit for me. No one has broken my heart. No one has played with my heart. No one left me post-its with nice notes written on it. No one showed up on my doorstep unexpectedly. I'm not looking for attention from strangers, from men, from my friends or my family. I didn't have a spectacular bonding experience with anyone. There's a pimple on my forehead that won't go away. I'm not fond of rejection, but I'm not fearful of it. I'm more open to fast changes in life than I would have been five years ago. I believe in the little things and appreciate the big things. I haven't worked on a song in so long or written a blog post in a few days. I'm not famous and don't really strive to be. I don't need fans or popularity. I don't need people to follow me on Twitter or this blog. I don't have a routine or a lot of structure right now, but my life does not depend on it.
No one told me how much they like me.
No one told me they love me or "showed" me how much they love me.
But I don't need to hear it or see it everyday.
I know that who I am with others is aligned with who I am when I'm by myself.
I know I don't need to carry my burdens on my own shoulders and that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ready to share those burdens with me.
I know I am loved and that people care deeply about me.
And today, on a boring, ordinary, lovely Tuesday, I feel completely loved.
No one told me how much they like me.
No one told me they love me or "showed" me how much they love me.
But I don't need to hear it or see it everyday.
I know that who I am with others is aligned with who I am when I'm by myself.
I know I don't need to carry my burdens on my own shoulders and that I am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses ready to share those burdens with me.
I know I am loved and that people care deeply about me.
And today, on a boring, ordinary, lovely Tuesday, I feel completely loved.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Welcome to the mind of an extrovert-wannabe?
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've changed a lot. Maybe you haven't known me for that long (or maybe not at all...STALKER! Yeah that's right, I'm calling you out) or maybe it's so subtle that you'd have to really think about it in order to see it, but I'm pretty sure my worldviews, mentalities, foundations, narratives, behaviors and attitudes have all significantly transformed in one way or another over the last few years.
Now, this isn't anything new, really. It's not like I've all of a sudden come face-to-face with the reality that I've changed. I talk all the time about how I've changed and things I've learned and how those things have fleshed out in my life as God continues to shape my character.
But what I'm talking about is a little different. I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe they're more natural ramifications than I could have anticipated. Who really knows?
Here, let me try to paint a picture for you. Here are some words, phrases and images to give you an idea how I view my old self to look like:
Responsibilities = work = stress = get job done and done well. Get job done and done well = more responsibilities = more work = more stress. Easily frustrated. Quiet and demure character that takes time adjusting to any new environment. Extremely indecisive. Tired of taking the initiative. Borderline goody-two-shoes. Oblivious to the weight of how my facial expressions communicate certain messages. Sheltered. Perfectionist. Stick to the black and white, avoid the gray areas. Find out what's expected and meet or exceed those expectations - don't settle for anything less. Wake up early to do my quiet times every single day, go to church every Sunday and go to fellowship every week because that's what really good Christians do. The word, 'No' is not in my dictionary. Must make everyone happy. I am who people say I am. Always give what sounds like the right answer. Tell people the truth - only if they show me I can trust them. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. Independence is a sign of strength. I can't depend on anyone, even my closest friends and family - God's the only one who can always be there for me. Do the right thing to avoid guilt, shame and punishment. Go beyond the right thing to make people proud of you. Think outside the box. If you see a need, meet it - who else will? Details, details, details. Plan, plan, plan. Worry. Fear. Paralyzed. Play it safe. Stick to what you know. It's okay not to pursue passion because passion correlates with intense emotions. And don't trust emotions because they lead to unnecessary drama, false expectations, and disappointment.
Here's an idea of how I see myself now and over the past couple of years:
Being flexible saves me from a lot of unnecessary stress. Be honest with others about how I feel by speaking the truth in love - it takes practice. Ongoing peace. Abundance of joy. What does real love look like? Practice spiritual hospitality. Live out the role-reversals of Jesus' kingdom (i.e. the first shall be last, become like little children, servant leaders). Give grace - no one deserves it, but everyone's entitled to it. Think about the future. Plan for the future but don't clench the plans so tightly that they cut you if they shatter. Sometimes playing it safe can be dangerous. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are not as scary as I think. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are all about relationships - if I care about relationships, I should care about evangelism, social justice, and prayer and vice versa. God cares about relationships. If God is really sovereign, what will it take to realize that I need to let go of something I was never in control of in the first place? Don't be so hard on myself that I pummel pieces of my identity. Sometimes it's important to wallow through the gray areas and sit in the tension of not quite right and not quite wrong. Lead by example. Take wise risks. Failure is necessary for growth. Vision and details work together like a brain and its nerves - I can't carry out a message without one and without the other I won't have a message to carry out. Jesus' death and resurrection paved the way to freedom from sin, so why do us followers of Jesus often live as if sin still has a stronghold over us? Driven by passion for God and His purposes, not driven by fear of rejection, people's reactions, or failure. Healthy amount of responsibilities = healthy amount of work = more opportunities to build healthy relationships = less stress. Less stress = happy more frequently = more joy when happiness is lacking.
Honestly, I could probably dedicate whole blog posts to each of these identities. These are just a few ways off the top of my head how I'd describe these identities. Also, I must say that these are not polar opposites. They are cross sections of my growth spectrum during my lifespan thus far, and so they are not dots on a line. There are overlaps, thin sub-lines connecting some parts, and underlying narratives that lay the foundations and continue to be things I wrestle with.
In any case, what evoked this blog post in the first place was the fact that I had a potentially stressful week that I did not deal with as I normally would have in the past.
I particularly noticed it on the way back from Expedition. Usually the drive home from an intense, people-focused conference that ended an intense, people-focused week would signal my internal processing system to turn on. During the week or some part of my day my mind would send a warning signal, saying, "Hey, girl, information station is starting to overload. You haven't had a lot of alone time to defrag your mind." And then I'd tell it, "But I don't have time to defrag right now - I'm still in the middle of dealing with people." And then my mind would say, "Fine, but make sure you do something soon so that I don't explode and ooze with destructive emotions." But for some reason my introverted-oriented mind stayed silent this week. I didn't see the need to internally process.
Carrie & I went to her parents' place for a home-cooked dinner before heading back to Binghamton. Normally at that point my internal world would kick in at full steam ahead and I'd hesitate to put myself in a new environment with new people where I'd feel like I'd need to hold off from internally processing in order to be "on." But I didn't feel that way at all. It was nice - I didn't feel like I needed to be "on" but I didn't feel like I needed to internally implode. Part of it was probably because Carrie's parents are really awesome and provide a good balance of hospitality that I appreciate, and part of it was probably because Carrie was there and she understands how I function.
But also during long drives home I sometimes want to just be silent so I could think. Carrie asked me if I needed some time to do that, but I told her I didn't feel like I needed to. So we just talked about the weekend. It was nice.
I even took the next day off to rest, but I didn't feel like I needed to rest. I thought a lot of my time alone would be spent thinking about Expedition and this whole past week, but instead I spent most of my time internally processing why I didn't feel like I needed to internally process. Isn't that crazy?
So I know this blog post is super long and probably confusing and doesn't make any sense, and I congratulate you if you've read through this whole blob of a mess. But this is what it looks like for me to force myself to internally process.
Which reminds me - I think one of the conclusions I've drawn so far for possible reasons of why I don't feel the need to internally process is that I've been practicing processing my thoughts externally while also being as transparent as I can with other people. It's like my brain is a tank for holding information. And usually when I receive information from my external world I collect more and more information and wait for opportunities when I'm alone or can be alone with my thoughts to sort through the piles of information and start putting pieces together.
I think what's been happening, though, is that as my brain collects information, I spend less time processing that information on my own and instead take more opportunities I have when I'm around so many people to share with them that information, causing me to externally process. And because I've externally processed my thoughts and feelings more frequently, there's less information and less need to take time to internally process, and therefore a larger capacity to be extroverted and gain energy from being around other people.
Maybe as I continue to force myself to internally process (just to make sure I'm not overlooking/ignoring hidden feelings/thoughts that could come back to bite me later) I'll come up with some analogy or picture that would explain this a lot better.
Now, this isn't anything new, really. It's not like I've all of a sudden come face-to-face with the reality that I've changed. I talk all the time about how I've changed and things I've learned and how those things have fleshed out in my life as God continues to shape my character.
But what I'm talking about is a little different. I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe they're more natural ramifications than I could have anticipated. Who really knows?
Here, let me try to paint a picture for you. Here are some words, phrases and images to give you an idea how I view my old self to look like:
Responsibilities = work = stress = get job done and done well. Get job done and done well = more responsibilities = more work = more stress. Easily frustrated. Quiet and demure character that takes time adjusting to any new environment. Extremely indecisive. Tired of taking the initiative. Borderline goody-two-shoes. Oblivious to the weight of how my facial expressions communicate certain messages. Sheltered. Perfectionist. Stick to the black and white, avoid the gray areas. Find out what's expected and meet or exceed those expectations - don't settle for anything less. Wake up early to do my quiet times every single day, go to church every Sunday and go to fellowship every week because that's what really good Christians do. The word, 'No' is not in my dictionary. Must make everyone happy. I am who people say I am. Always give what sounds like the right answer. Tell people the truth - only if they show me I can trust them. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. Independence is a sign of strength. I can't depend on anyone, even my closest friends and family - God's the only one who can always be there for me. Do the right thing to avoid guilt, shame and punishment. Go beyond the right thing to make people proud of you. Think outside the box. If you see a need, meet it - who else will? Details, details, details. Plan, plan, plan. Worry. Fear. Paralyzed. Play it safe. Stick to what you know. It's okay not to pursue passion because passion correlates with intense emotions. And don't trust emotions because they lead to unnecessary drama, false expectations, and disappointment.
Here's an idea of how I see myself now and over the past couple of years:
Being flexible saves me from a lot of unnecessary stress. Be honest with others about how I feel by speaking the truth in love - it takes practice. Ongoing peace. Abundance of joy. What does real love look like? Practice spiritual hospitality. Live out the role-reversals of Jesus' kingdom (i.e. the first shall be last, become like little children, servant leaders). Give grace - no one deserves it, but everyone's entitled to it. Think about the future. Plan for the future but don't clench the plans so tightly that they cut you if they shatter. Sometimes playing it safe can be dangerous. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are not as scary as I think. Evangelism, social justice, and prayer are all about relationships - if I care about relationships, I should care about evangelism, social justice, and prayer and vice versa. God cares about relationships. If God is really sovereign, what will it take to realize that I need to let go of something I was never in control of in the first place? Don't be so hard on myself that I pummel pieces of my identity. Sometimes it's important to wallow through the gray areas and sit in the tension of not quite right and not quite wrong. Lead by example. Take wise risks. Failure is necessary for growth. Vision and details work together like a brain and its nerves - I can't carry out a message without one and without the other I won't have a message to carry out. Jesus' death and resurrection paved the way to freedom from sin, so why do us followers of Jesus often live as if sin still has a stronghold over us? Driven by passion for God and His purposes, not driven by fear of rejection, people's reactions, or failure. Healthy amount of responsibilities = healthy amount of work = more opportunities to build healthy relationships = less stress. Less stress = happy more frequently = more joy when happiness is lacking.
Honestly, I could probably dedicate whole blog posts to each of these identities. These are just a few ways off the top of my head how I'd describe these identities. Also, I must say that these are not polar opposites. They are cross sections of my growth spectrum during my lifespan thus far, and so they are not dots on a line. There are overlaps, thin sub-lines connecting some parts, and underlying narratives that lay the foundations and continue to be things I wrestle with.
In any case, what evoked this blog post in the first place was the fact that I had a potentially stressful week that I did not deal with as I normally would have in the past.
I particularly noticed it on the way back from Expedition. Usually the drive home from an intense, people-focused conference that ended an intense, people-focused week would signal my internal processing system to turn on. During the week or some part of my day my mind would send a warning signal, saying, "Hey, girl, information station is starting to overload. You haven't had a lot of alone time to defrag your mind." And then I'd tell it, "But I don't have time to defrag right now - I'm still in the middle of dealing with people." And then my mind would say, "Fine, but make sure you do something soon so that I don't explode and ooze with destructive emotions." But for some reason my introverted-oriented mind stayed silent this week. I didn't see the need to internally process.
Carrie & I went to her parents' place for a home-cooked dinner before heading back to Binghamton. Normally at that point my internal world would kick in at full steam ahead and I'd hesitate to put myself in a new environment with new people where I'd feel like I'd need to hold off from internally processing in order to be "on." But I didn't feel that way at all. It was nice - I didn't feel like I needed to be "on" but I didn't feel like I needed to internally implode. Part of it was probably because Carrie's parents are really awesome and provide a good balance of hospitality that I appreciate, and part of it was probably because Carrie was there and she understands how I function.
But also during long drives home I sometimes want to just be silent so I could think. Carrie asked me if I needed some time to do that, but I told her I didn't feel like I needed to. So we just talked about the weekend. It was nice.
I even took the next day off to rest, but I didn't feel like I needed to rest. I thought a lot of my time alone would be spent thinking about Expedition and this whole past week, but instead I spent most of my time internally processing why I didn't feel like I needed to internally process. Isn't that crazy?
So I know this blog post is super long and probably confusing and doesn't make any sense, and I congratulate you if you've read through this whole blob of a mess. But this is what it looks like for me to force myself to internally process.
Which reminds me - I think one of the conclusions I've drawn so far for possible reasons of why I don't feel the need to internally process is that I've been practicing processing my thoughts externally while also being as transparent as I can with other people. It's like my brain is a tank for holding information. And usually when I receive information from my external world I collect more and more information and wait for opportunities when I'm alone or can be alone with my thoughts to sort through the piles of information and start putting pieces together.
I think what's been happening, though, is that as my brain collects information, I spend less time processing that information on my own and instead take more opportunities I have when I'm around so many people to share with them that information, causing me to externally process. And because I've externally processed my thoughts and feelings more frequently, there's less information and less need to take time to internally process, and therefore a larger capacity to be extroverted and gain energy from being around other people.
Maybe as I continue to force myself to internally process (just to make sure I'm not overlooking/ignoring hidden feelings/thoughts that could come back to bite me later) I'll come up with some analogy or picture that would explain this a lot better.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Simplicity.
It started with a simple question addressed to me: How have things changed for you since graduating college?
The next thing I know, I'm suddenly pouring my heart out to a friend during this innocent gchat conversation about how I feel like New York City gives off a lot of misguiding perceptions and tries to live up to them.
The next thing I know, I'm suddenly pouring my heart out to a friend during this innocent gchat conversation about how I feel like New York City gives off a lot of misguiding perceptions and tries to live up to them.
It's like living in NYC has glazed over my eyes
and since going to college at Bing,
my eyes have been opened and my heart has been broken in ways that they haven't been before.
I told him about my senior year itch to leave New York City and go on a road trip for a period of time - enough time where I could travel around to different states, take on some odd jobs here and there, and really experience a completely different kind of life.
I want to meet people and listen to their stories
and work alongside of them.
Adventurous, yes, but it sounds difficult and risky and completely silly to anyone living in NYC. Why would you want go completely out of your way to find a job busing tables in some hole-in-the-wall when you've got your hole-in-the-wall joints and the rest of the world at your fingertips right here in the Big Apple? We've got the concrete jungles where dreams are made of, don't we? Everyone in the world wants to come to New York while you want to get out - doesn't that picture look funny to you at all?
Ah, but you see, I believe that people outside of NYC have a different kind of outlook of the world and live a different kind of lifestyle.
Ah, but you see, I believe that people outside of NYC have a different kind of outlook of the world and live a different kind of lifestyle.
I understand that NYC is a whole different world
where it's actually frightening
because people come to this place where everything seems grand and wonderful and spectacular and exciting
when really it's a cover for so much pain and suffering
and I understand that we all do that
we all put our guards up
but there's something about NYC
that it emits a hardness that feels like it doesn't happen quite the same way anywhere else
It actually seems more dangerous to be numb or ignorant or isolated from facing the hurt, the pain, the suffering of ourselves and our neighbors. In fact, it probably plays a part in this vicious cycle where this ignorance incites more pain, which produces more numbness which bolsters more suffering, around and around again.
It seems as though NYC needs Jesus all the more.
I feel like because I've grown up here
there's something I'm missing
or something that keeps me guarded
and there's something I need to experience outside of NYC
to break free from that
or that I don't really belong here
Thinking about NYC like this makes me wonder why God has led me to minister to college students outside of New York City. My heart breaks for NYC in ways it hasn't ever before, but it doesn't break in such a way that I am driven to stay here and minister at this time. Which doesn't make sense to me, but I'm praying and trusting that God would continue to reveal Himself to me. At this time though, it seems paradoxically unproductive if I stayed here because it may perpetuate in me and those around me the very things I want to fight.
I'm not quite sure where God's leading me with that
but I feel like it's been in the making for a while.
This isn't a new sense, a new feeling, a new call or completely new thoughts. It's as if this piece of my heart has been tucked away in an attic for my entire life. Going to college was some major life spring cleaning, wiping away layers of dust that have accumulated over the years. But it's not quite clear yet. It's going to take a little elbow grease and a little time before it starts to shine with some clarity.
Even though I've grown up in NYC
I've felt like I've never fit in quite right.
There's a certain simplicity at the core of my being
that's been there since I was little
and it just seems so different from the extravagant life NYC and NYC dwellers try to portray.
It would explain from my molting blog post (sounds intriguing, no?) why I felt a sense of freedom to be more of myself when I was away from New York City and why I haven't quite felt "at home" anywhere for a while.
It would explain why I seem to be on the move in life - both physically and mentally - but who am I to try and figure these things out?
You know, when I think about all of this, I think, "What are you, crazy? You've been living in NYC your whole life; think of all connections you have - with some hard work and some simple conversations, you have the world at your fingertips and can discover the most unbelievable opportunities with a blink of an eye.
Everything you know is here, and there's always something new to discover! Pretty much all of your closest friends and family are here, your community is here, your network is here...How could you even consider giving any of that up for something less?"
I just don't think I need everything that NYC has to offer. It all leads me to greater dissatisfaction and doesn't leave me deeply satisfied. And being in this kind of environment leaves me susceptible to the trap of believing that it can.
And with my circle of friends and family and community - I love them, of course. No doubt. They're my comfort and everything familiar. But sometimes there are things you need to do that requires you to leave your comfort zone for the sake of following Christ. I'm not trying to run away from problems or escape something dark and evil. It's just something personal. Sometimes we're called to live a life in a place and with people different than the ones we grew up with.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's essentially not that much of a difference from the lessons of NYC and the lessons from other places. Maybe I'm not missing anything at all and I'm just looking for an adventure, a thrill.
I guess there's only one way to find out.
It would explain why I seem to be on the move in life - both physically and mentally - but who am I to try and figure these things out?
You know, when I think about all of this, I think, "What are you, crazy? You've been living in NYC your whole life; think of all connections you have - with some hard work and some simple conversations, you have the world at your fingertips and can discover the most unbelievable opportunities with a blink of an eye.
Everything you know is here, and there's always something new to discover! Pretty much all of your closest friends and family are here, your community is here, your network is here...How could you even consider giving any of that up for something less?"
I just don't think I need everything that NYC has to offer. It all leads me to greater dissatisfaction and doesn't leave me deeply satisfied. And being in this kind of environment leaves me susceptible to the trap of believing that it can.
And with my circle of friends and family and community - I love them, of course. No doubt. They're my comfort and everything familiar. But sometimes there are things you need to do that requires you to leave your comfort zone for the sake of following Christ. I'm not trying to run away from problems or escape something dark and evil. It's just something personal. Sometimes we're called to live a life in a place and with people different than the ones we grew up with.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's essentially not that much of a difference from the lessons of NYC and the lessons from other places. Maybe I'm not missing anything at all and I'm just looking for an adventure, a thrill.
I guess there's only one way to find out.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Molting - what a gross word for a profound stage of life.
Spending the week in Binghamton was like a breath of fresh air. Surprisingly, it wasn't the kind of breath of fresh air that comes from adjusting to a new environment or getting into a new rhythm of life or the invigoration of meeting new people or spending time with old friends. Maybe it was a little part of it - there's always a sense of excitement or thrill with new beginnings and the potential for great things to happen - but the more I think about it, the less it seems to fit the description of how I feel.
My first instinct is to say that it's like I'm a different person when I'm on Binghamton's campus. To say I feel like a different person on campus makes me think of when I first began to encounter the friction between my life as a college student on campus and my life as a college student back home in NYC. You can read the frustrations in some of my old blog posts as I tried to untangle the complexities of oscillating between an environment where change is often stimulated and an environment where change is more often stifled or takes much longer to permeate.
I've come a long way since then, and it's a continual process even at this point as I've graduated from college. But honestly, I can't say I'm the same girl I was when I first graduated high school and headed to Binghamton. My world has changed in ways I can't even verbalize accurately here or in person. God has changed the way I see the world, the way I see His people, and the way I see the purpose and direction of my life.
Even though I've lived my whole life in Queens and the NYC area, I've never really considered myself a city girl. Yes, I'm enjoy the familiarity of the areas I've been to, the comfort of my connected community, and the thrill that there is always something new to explore or experience, but when it comes to the core of my being, I feel like I don't really belong here.
So while I was away this past week I realized that it's not that I feel like I'm a different and better person - I actually just feel like I have the freedom to be who I've become, to explore what it's like to embrace this transformed life that God is shaping out of this malleable piece of clay.
Now when I thought this to myself, it also crossed my mind that this sense of freedom to be myself may come off as an indication that I feel like I've been suffocating for the past 21 years in the environment I grew up in - giving a negative connotation and implying that I was ungrateful for all that my community has done for me or that they've unnecessarily constricted or sheltered me. But none of that is true. I think it's just time to find a new shell because I'm outgrowing this old one.
I'm kind of like a greeting card sent through the mail. The envelope is like my NYC life - incredibly important in getting its contents safely from one place to another, giving a sense of proper direction and protection along the way in life. Envelopes can have their own sense of unique identity - they may get a bit run-down from the bumps of life; they can come in all colors, shapes and sizes; they can be unique and eye-popping or they can be plain and boring.
But when someone receives that kind of mail, it's not the envelope that the recipient is looking for or finding value in - ultimately, it's the greeting card inside of it. The greeting card isn't meant to stay in the envelope, no matter how snug the fit is. That's what it felt like when I was starting to settle in at my new apartment, walking around my alma mater campus, breathing in the familiar and not-so-familiar air of adulthood. I was always meant to come out of the envelope.
Okay, so it's a lame-o metaphor, but come on, it gives another dimension to the phrase, "Push the envelope," doesn't it?
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Lord will build you a house.
At the beginning of the summer, I shared my deep yearning to be able to "set down some roots" and call some place home both physically and emotionally. Now it's the end of the summer, and though the desire is still there, a kind of peace has drifted its way into my heart even though my physical transitions have gotten a little crazier.
Now I've never been one to do an awesome or proper exegesis of a passage, so if I'm being heretical, please let me know.
But I wanted to share some thoughts on a portion of 1 Chronicles that I really identified with as I was reading this morning. I thought it was interesting, too, because I was reading a passage to catch up to my scheduled daily readings, so technically, I was supposed to have read this a few weeks ago. But it seemed to be a rather appropriate nourishment I needed for today:
1 Chronicles 17:1-15 (ESV) [emphasis added by me]:
Now when David lived in his house, David said to Nathan the prophet, "Behold, I dwell in a house of cedar, but the ark of the covenant of the LORD is under a tent." And Nathan said to David, "Do all that is in your heart, for God is with you."
But that same night the word of the LORD came to Nathan, "Go and tell my servant David, 'Thus says the LORD: It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in. For I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up Israel to this day, but I have gone from tent to tent and from dwelling to dwelling. In all places where I have moved with all Israel, did I speak a word with any of the judges of Israel, whom I commanded to shepherd my people, saying, "Why have you not built me a house of cedar?"' Now, therefore, thus shall you say to my servant David, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep, to be prince over my people Israel, and I have been with you wherever you have gone and have cut off all your enemies from before you. And I will make for you a name, like the name of the great ones of the earth. And I will appoint a place for my people Israel and will plant them, that they may dwell in their own place and be disturbed no more. And violent men shall waste them no more, as formerly, from the time that I appointed judges over my people Israel. And I will subdue all your enemies. Moreover, I declare to you that the LORD will build you a house. When yours days are fulfilled to walk with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring after you, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for me, and I will establish his throne forever. I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. I will not take my steadfast love from him, as I took it from him who was before you, but I will confirm him in my house and in my kingdom forever, and his throne shall be established forever."' In accordance with all these words, and in accordance with all this vision, Nathan spoke to David.
The Lord reminds David that He has been on the one leading the pack. He has been "on the move," ever since He delivered Israel out of Egypt, and not once has He commanded His leaders to set down roots. With this I was reminded that even though I feel like I've been on the move in a way as well, I haven't been arbitrarily going from place to place. I have been going where I believe God has been leading me, and He hasn't exactly set up shop at the most ideal times or places.
The Lord also reminds David where He brought David out from, as a mere shepherd boy whom He transformed to become a leader for His people. Here I was reminded of who I used to be just a mere four years ago as a freshman girl in college, and how He changed who I was as He appointed me to be a leader for my brothers and sisters and as an agent of change for those around me, and now as an InterVarsity campus staff worker.
As He also reminds David, the Lord has been with me wherever I have gone, whether it's been on mountaintops or through valleys, He has cut off all my enemies before me. He hasn't promised to give all the answers or tell us what's happening next, but He has fulfilled His promise to be there with us when it happened.
At first when I read, "the LORD will build you a house," I thought, "Awesome! That's comforting. Maybe that means the LORD is saying to me, 'Don't worry, Tammy, you may be on the move for a while, but soon enough I'll prepare and create a place for you to settle down and really feel at home. You just have to hold on and work through this period of constant moving and quick transitions to get there."
But then I thought about who God was talking to and realized, "Wait a second. They said at the beginning of this passage that David already had a cedar house. Why would God build him a new one? That doesn't make any sense."
And when I looked at what followed the declaration, "the LORD will build you a house," I saw that God probably wasn't talking about a physical house. God describes all that He'll be and do with David's offspring and his kingdom. He doesn't promise David that he'll be able to establish God's house, but instead promises never to leave those who will come after him, and that the one whose David's legacy is rooted in God will not be in vain.
It sounds like God built David a different kind of house - a legacy of family whose roots are grounded in the foundation of God.
Should I take this literally and apply it directly to myself and say that God promises to establish my family as my house, that He promises not to take His steadfast love away from my children and that they will establish the LORD's house? Or maybe stretch that further to mean not literally my offspring but instead the fruit of those lives He'll touch as I follow Him faithfully?
I don't know, but I know God isn't promising me a life of setting down roots in a physical location or attaching my heart to whoever I encounter or wherever I go. I may always be on the move physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually in some way, shape, or form.
It's a little unnerving to think about.
But I'm reminded of His presence no matter what kind of time or place I've been in, and I've seen Him do wonders through me as He chooses me to lead His people in various ways, not because of my ability but because of how He works in me. I am confident He'll still be there wherever I may move next.
For now, though, I probably should have gone to sleep a long time ago. It's 2am and I've been sitting here writing this post instead of packing my clothes. Oh well.
Now I've never been one to do an awesome or proper exegesis of a passage, so if I'm being heretical, please let me know.
But I wanted to share some thoughts on a portion of 1 Chronicles that I really identified with as I was reading this morning. I thought it was interesting, too, because I was reading a passage to catch up to my scheduled daily readings, so technically, I was supposed to have read this a few weeks ago. But it seemed to be a rather appropriate nourishment I needed for today:
1 Chronicles 17:1-15 (ESV) [emphasis added by me]:
Now when David lived in his house, David said to Nathan the prophet, "Behold, I dwell in a house of cedar, but the ark of the covenant of the LORD is under a tent." And Nathan said to David, "Do all that is in your heart, for God is with you."
But that same night the word of the LORD came to Nathan, "Go and tell my servant David, 'Thus says the LORD: It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in. For I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up Israel to this day, but I have gone from tent to tent and from dwelling to dwelling. In all places where I have moved with all Israel, did I speak a word with any of the judges of Israel, whom I commanded to shepherd my people, saying, "Why have you not built me a house of cedar?"' Now, therefore, thus shall you say to my servant David, 'Thus says the LORD of hosts, I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep, to be prince over my people Israel, and I have been with you wherever you have gone and have cut off all your enemies from before you. And I will make for you a name, like the name of the great ones of the earth. And I will appoint a place for my people Israel and will plant them, that they may dwell in their own place and be disturbed no more. And violent men shall waste them no more, as formerly, from the time that I appointed judges over my people Israel. And I will subdue all your enemies. Moreover, I declare to you that the LORD will build you a house. When yours days are fulfilled to walk with your fathers, I will raise up your offspring after you, one of your own sons, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for me, and I will establish his throne forever. I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son. I will not take my steadfast love from him, as I took it from him who was before you, but I will confirm him in my house and in my kingdom forever, and his throne shall be established forever."' In accordance with all these words, and in accordance with all this vision, Nathan spoke to David.
The Lord reminds David that He has been on the one leading the pack. He has been "on the move," ever since He delivered Israel out of Egypt, and not once has He commanded His leaders to set down roots. With this I was reminded that even though I feel like I've been on the move in a way as well, I haven't been arbitrarily going from place to place. I have been going where I believe God has been leading me, and He hasn't exactly set up shop at the most ideal times or places.
The Lord also reminds David where He brought David out from, as a mere shepherd boy whom He transformed to become a leader for His people. Here I was reminded of who I used to be just a mere four years ago as a freshman girl in college, and how He changed who I was as He appointed me to be a leader for my brothers and sisters and as an agent of change for those around me, and now as an InterVarsity campus staff worker.
As He also reminds David, the Lord has been with me wherever I have gone, whether it's been on mountaintops or through valleys, He has cut off all my enemies before me. He hasn't promised to give all the answers or tell us what's happening next, but He has fulfilled His promise to be there with us when it happened.
At first when I read, "the LORD will build you a house," I thought, "Awesome! That's comforting. Maybe that means the LORD is saying to me, 'Don't worry, Tammy, you may be on the move for a while, but soon enough I'll prepare and create a place for you to settle down and really feel at home. You just have to hold on and work through this period of constant moving and quick transitions to get there."
But then I thought about who God was talking to and realized, "Wait a second. They said at the beginning of this passage that David already had a cedar house. Why would God build him a new one? That doesn't make any sense."
And when I looked at what followed the declaration, "the LORD will build you a house," I saw that God probably wasn't talking about a physical house. God describes all that He'll be and do with David's offspring and his kingdom. He doesn't promise David that he'll be able to establish God's house, but instead promises never to leave those who will come after him, and that the one whose David's legacy is rooted in God will not be in vain.
It sounds like God built David a different kind of house - a legacy of family whose roots are grounded in the foundation of God.
Should I take this literally and apply it directly to myself and say that God promises to establish my family as my house, that He promises not to take His steadfast love away from my children and that they will establish the LORD's house? Or maybe stretch that further to mean not literally my offspring but instead the fruit of those lives He'll touch as I follow Him faithfully?
I don't know, but I know God isn't promising me a life of setting down roots in a physical location or attaching my heart to whoever I encounter or wherever I go. I may always be on the move physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually in some way, shape, or form.
It's a little unnerving to think about.
But I'm reminded of His presence no matter what kind of time or place I've been in, and I've seen Him do wonders through me as He chooses me to lead His people in various ways, not because of my ability but because of how He works in me. I am confident He'll still be there wherever I may move next.
For now, though, I probably should have gone to sleep a long time ago. It's 2am and I've been sitting here writing this post instead of packing my clothes. Oh well.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Native paths to foreign places.
We often say we take two steps forward and one step back
But really it seems like in life we only move forward
And look back over our shoulder
More times than we need to.
Stepping out of an old friend's house today
Made me appreciate the freedom to walk home,
To walk anywhere.
Growing up we never really needed to drive somewhere
To reach a familiar face
Or drop by the home of someone who'd take care of you.
The air weighed heavy with moisture,
Rubbing against the summer
That hung overhead.
My body brushed through the barbecue perfume
Coming from one of the houses down the street,
And I crossed the road past my elementary school
Whose inner dwelling was more comforting
Than the ghostly walls that stood before my eyes
In the middle of its off-season.
Francis Lewis Boulevard didn't discriminate who she'd let pass
Of her border between Bayside and Fresh Meadows
Or the other way around -
She'd only warn you to look both ways and be careful.
Water tickled my legs as a sprinkler waved hello,
Lifting a bit of summer's burden as I passed right through,
And a nostalgic helicopter leaf propelled its way
Down
To the ground below me.
Some streets seemed abandoned
While others had an occasional smattering of people
Watering their grass.
They were strangers to me,
But they seemed almost like strangers to each other.
Along the familiar path
I glimpsed into someone's backyard
And spotted an unfamiliar hammock,
And I nearly stopped.
A hammock would be nice.
Yes, a homemade one.
I don't know how to make one,
But I'm sure it can be done.
To the house I'd always known,
And Mom swings opens the door before I even touch the knob
To the home I'd somehow outgrown,
I rush into my haven,
Excited that I had met some inspiration
To nourish my craving
To write.
But really it seems like in life we only move forward
And look back over our shoulder
More times than we need to.
Stepping out of an old friend's house today
Made me appreciate the freedom to walk home,
To walk anywhere.
Growing up we never really needed to drive somewhere
To reach a familiar face
Or drop by the home of someone who'd take care of you.
The air weighed heavy with moisture,
Rubbing against the summer
That hung overhead.
My body brushed through the barbecue perfume
Coming from one of the houses down the street,
And I crossed the road past my elementary school
Whose inner dwelling was more comforting
Than the ghostly walls that stood before my eyes
In the middle of its off-season.
Francis Lewis Boulevard didn't discriminate who she'd let pass
Of her border between Bayside and Fresh Meadows
Or the other way around -
She'd only warn you to look both ways and be careful.
Water tickled my legs as a sprinkler waved hello,
Lifting a bit of summer's burden as I passed right through,
And a nostalgic helicopter leaf propelled its way
Down
To the ground below me.
Some streets seemed abandoned
While others had an occasional smattering of people
Watering their grass.
They were strangers to me,
But they seemed almost like strangers to each other.
Along the familiar path
I glimpsed into someone's backyard
And spotted an unfamiliar hammock,
And I nearly stopped.
A hammock would be nice.
Yes, a homemade one.
I don't know how to make one,
But I'm sure it can be done.
This started spinning a dream
Of a life with neighbors passing through
Coming in and out,
And a homemade hammock sitting between two trees,
With evenings at dusk spent crafting
New things
New worlds
New ideas
With people who were learning how to deeply care for one another
Sharing stories
Sharing hearts
Sharing dreams
With endless invitations for new people to become new neighbors.
This is the world you are called to create
Wherever this is,
Whatever it looks like,
This is where you are called to be.
My path grew more and more familiar
With every step and every turn,
And I knew where I was going
But my mind felt like I was going the wrong way,
As though this familiar life was telling me to leave it be
And take all of its memories like seeds
And plant them somewhere else,
Somewhere else that isn't here.
Let someone else grow their branches here
Deepen their roots here
But this familiar life was telling me to leave it be -
You are called to branch out somewhere else.
And as I pulled out the ordinary keyTo the house I'd always known,
And Mom swings opens the door before I even touch the knob
To the home I'd somehow outgrown,
I rush into my haven,
Excited that I had met some inspiration
To nourish my craving
To write.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Phan for a day.
Who knew that a trip down to Philadelphia for a Phillies game would provoke some blog-worthy thoughts?
Actually, it's not very unusual and, well, seems rather normal or expected for me to get a little introspective on a 2-3 hour road trip going down to Philly and a traffic-ridden ride heading back to NYC. So I don't know why I'm surprised. But I am.
My dad, Pam, and I headed down at 7am this morning to make it to the 9:30 service at Chinese Christian Church & Center (CCC&C - yup...the crazy Asian-American church acronyms don't exist only in NYC!) in the Chinatown area of Philadelphia.
Along the way, we confirmed the following:
- If it's a hit or miss with pinpointing what someone's Myers-Briggs Personality Type is, then I always miss. I may get close, but I always miss.
- My dad is an ISTJ. Which explains a lot.
This was pretty much all we talked about on the way down to Philly. We pulled out Pam's Droid phone and had my dad take the personality test orally. Some statements were pretty funny to me and Pam because we knew what the answer would be to some of them without having to wait for my dad's answer.
Just for the record, we went to see what the Citizens Bank Field looked like and wanted to watch the Phillies play. We didn't wear any Yankee gear, but we did wear navy blue colors, and since we decided not to wear Yankee caps, we had to find alternatives to protect our heads from the sun. My dad wore a stadium cap, Pam wore and NFL cap she got from work, and I wore my cowboy hat. It was great - we didn't look like we were from out of town at all. Anyway, the Phillies played a great game against the Athletic As, the weather was great, we like the stadium, and we ate some very yummy cheesesteaks. Also, we were glad we decided to become subtle Yankee fans for the day because people booed Hideki Matsui every time he was up at bat, and we sat right in front of some very expressive Yankee-haters. Oh, and I particularly enjoyed the kind of music and programming the Phillies had at the stadium, including their Phanatic mascot. He was SO funny and entertaining to watch. In my opinion he tops the B-Mets Bingo the Bee :]But on the drive back home, I was thinking about a lot of stuff (of course) and was thinking about how I make decisions and the difficulties that each choice may entail.
Now for some of you who are reading this and know me well, this is not a new issue for me. For those of you who are anonymously stalking me or may not know me as well, let me explain. This is what I was thinking about this afternoon and so I haven't drawn any conclusions or made any other realizations since then.
I expect to encounter difficult situations, endure through difficult circumstances, and to be skeptical about things that seem too easy or when things are just handed to me. What I've figured out is why I think this way: a) we live in a broken world, which means there will be suffering and life will be hard, b) you often grow more deeply in character and in perspective when you are challenged beyond your control, c) I see how others suffer through way worse circumstances than me and I don't think I deserve to have anything better, d) I've found that it's easier to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst so that the drop between what is ideal and what is reality doesn't hurt as much, plus, e) people who usually think they know it all frequently find that they in fact may know very little, and I don't want to be one of those people. I try to remind myself often enough that I don't know everything.
But then, growing up with this mentality that everything should be hard, that I can't and shouldn't expect to get everything I want has more often than not led me to make decisions based on what sounds to be the more difficult and challenging task with the black-and-white mentality that it was wrong for me to want to take the easier route. And then on top of all of that, when the tasks ended up being difficult, I'd re-focus on God and His character, suck it up, try to be open and flexible, and came out from the situations having learned some lessons and deepening my character in some positive way, all of which only affirmed my conclusions that the more difficult road taken is always the better one.
But I struggle with this and throughout college even tried to find a healthy balance as well because there's somewhere in my head that knows that this philosophy isn't always necessarily true. Following God isn't about always choosing what appears to be the more difficult path to me. Following God is about obeying Him and devoting my life to Him. There are circumstances, decisions, and relationships that will be difficult, but that doesn't mean it'll be difficult in the way that I expect them to be, or that they have to produce suffering in order to be worthy of anything.
So when I'm thinking about this, I'm thinking about what in great heavens I had experienced growing up that had ingrained this mentality so much, or that had tapped into this part of my personality so strongly, and I wonder what to do about this issue that keeps coming up in order to be kept in check and make sure I'm obeying God (and not myself or others) and being a little more objective as well.
As I've been writing this out, a few things came to mind. I realize how this philosophy may have shaped me to be who I am today more than I thought it might have. Also, I realize when making a decision boils down to choosing between what's more difficult and what's easier, or what I want or don't want to do, I think it points to the possibility that I've lost sight of the bigger picture. If following God is not essentially about what's easy or hard, then my decision should be based on my devotion to follow where God leads me. I need to pray that I would adhere to God's vision for the world and for my life and that essentially God wants me to devote myself to Him out of a willingly obedient heart. I need to refocus and keep my eyes and heart on Him and His character and how He will always be faithful even when we are not.
Yowza, that's a mouthful. Especially after having nothing to write about for so long.
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