It's back.

Have you seen those commercials or movies that show time freezing except for the main characters?  You know, the whole people-stop-moving, wave-your-hand-in-front-of-someone's-eyes-to-see-if-they-blink thing?  I wish that could happen to me.  I'm pretty much selfishly asking the world to stop for me.  But it's not so I could pull funny pranks or prevent bad things from happening, or even to change things to tip the scale in my favor.  I just wish the world would slow down so I can have more time to think and process.

Speaking of such, let's give a warm welcome to my introverted personality, which has come back in full force.  Not that I suddenly stopped being introverted, but there's definitely been a good chunk of time where my extroverted side was dominating so much that it felt like my introverted tendencies had taken a vacation.

Not only has my introverted personality returned, but it brought home the unwanted baggage of hyper-sensitivity and sluggish functionality.  Over the past several weeks, thinking and mulling over things has made me want to cry, and sharing things with others didn't really make a difference.  It feels like a lose-lose.  And then I get frustrated at myself and feel like such a stereotypical girl for crying so much.  I appreciate having one good big cry to let everything out - it's a freeing sensation and emptying in such a way that I feel like the space has been cleared to be filled again.  But crying really hard more than once within a short period of time?  That's just annoying.

I think the last time I cried so often and was on the verge of tears so frequently in such condensed spurts of time was probably my senior year of high school.  It's funny because a major difference between how I responded in high school and how I'm responding now is very different.  Back then I kept asking myself and asking God the question of 'why' - why this road, why me, why now.  But at this point in my life things haven't been a matter of knowing the reasons behind circumstances or the purpose of putting me through such grey areas.  I know and trust that God would be glorified, that He keeps His promises and that good will result in some shape or form that I may not ever recognize or understand.  I'm okay with that.

Instead I find that I keep asking myself and asking God the question, "Am I doing the right thing?" or, "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?" and every time I ask it in my head, I immediately know I'm asking the wrong question.  It leaves the bitter taste of wanting answers with questions I know I can't ask lingering in my mouth.

Ugh.  There's just been so much going on in my head.  And it's frustrating because it makes it that much harder for me to stay present and work hard to be productive for things that have to get done right now.  It holds me back from moving forward.

If there's anything I've figured out so far, it's that this whole ordeal continues to fuel more of this hunger and thirst to know God and follow Him with my life.  And I know it'll be worth it all.