Mish-mash of loose ends.

I don't know if it's because I drank a cup of green tea just before bed, or because there's a very loud band playing at the bar across the street and they've left the door open so that it sounds like the band is right outside my open window, or because of the fact that my husband won't be home for the next six days, but I'm suddenly very awake and can't go to sleep.

I've washed my face and in the meantime, the band seems to have put away their drumsticks and guitar amps for now.  But being this awake made me think about things I think about and how I've been having such a hard time writing any blog posts lately because they'd just all be loose ends.  Maybe if I write them down they'll eventually become inspirations for new posts.

My fear and discomfort with asking people for things - which covers everything from ordering pizza or helping me in some way - has been recently re-surfacing.  It was going to be the topic of this next blog post, but I've already spent nearly two weeks on it and I still have no closing thoughts.

I still have not been connecting with God the way I used to, and even though I've stopped trying to keep up my old ways, I've lacked the motivation and inspiration to try new ways of connecting with God.  I also realize I lack the faith that God is pursuing me and is with me, even though I know in my head that He is.

Today I led a couple of my freshmen students through a discussion around what's the most difficult part of committing to following Jesus - sacrificing comforts or desires, finding Jesus' purpose for me, or following through with my decisions until they are complete.  And I found myself steering towards the second, as I thought about how I am average at many things and not great or passionate in any particular focus enough to discipline myself to develop my interests and skills further.  I like singing, I like baking, I like planning parties, I like hosting others, I like reading, I like taking pictures, I like blogging, and so on, but I am not particularly dedicated to any one of those things, not even in small ways on a regular basis.  I feel paralyzed and stuck with my gifts and purposes.  It's discouraging and nothing new.

I've also been mulling over my ongoing naivete about best friends.  For some reason, ever since I was extremely young, I had this solid core belief ingrained in me that it was possible and desirable to have a best friend for life.  And maybe this belief was reinforced by shows or movies I watched, books I read, or relationships I've observed, but nonetheless, out of this belief came my deep value over my close friendships.   I knew I would get hurt, and I knew I would hurt them at some point.  But I invested myself wholly because I believed that if we could get past the hardships together, we would make it as best friends.  The hardships would make us stronger.  But somewhere along the way, my belief in lifetime best friends broke.  And as I let myself hope again and gained back my belief, it broke again.  Healing came, but with so many we've come out the other side as friends - some, good friends - but no longer as best friends.  We've stood the test of forgiveness but couldn't stand the subtle test of time and change.  And now, in a completely different phase of life, with no nearby old friends and the difficulty of making new ones, there's this yearning to again build upon the belief that it's possible to have a best friend (different from my husband).  At the same time, there's this part of me that wants to say, "Why bother?"

This year I've noticed that I've reverted back to my usual shy-person-taking-forever-to-adjust-to-her-new-surroundings-and-not-be-as-shy phase that has typically occurred when I enter a new school.  I'm not talking about introversion - yes, I'm still introverted and need my alone time, but this is the kind of attitude people always associate and mix-up with introversion that isn't always true.  Shyness does not equal introversion.  When I'm at the office, I don't really initiate conversations, and it's really hard for me to put myself out there to try and get to know the student workers or other chaplains.  When I'm with my students, no one really comes over to talk to me, and while I try my best to meet new students and keep conversations going, I feel like it's particularly difficult because I don't have any go-to relationships with any of my students that can act as a home base in those kinds of group settings for me.  And it's an annoying realization because I don't want to be shy.  And I wasn't this shy just a year or two ago.  But I can't help it - it's my slow adjustment process to the change of environment.  Can you feel the tension?

Well, there you have it.  My unfinished thoughts for the week.  It seems as though the band across the street have packed up their music for good, and my eyes are ready to stop opening for the rest of the night.

She clings, though she doesn't know why.

You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts.  Something's awry when an introvert spends time thinking and sorting through thought after thought after thought, only to find herself spiraling down into a pit mixed with possible lies and possible truths, only she can no longer tell which ones are which.  Not only is it draining to be around others, it's now draining to be around herself.

It's worse when she doesn't really know who can help her.  She knows there are people who love and care about her - her husband, her friends, her family, her supervisor - but they all don't seem to be very helpful or understand the whole story.

It gets even more worse when she knows that her relationship with God looks like her not wanting to call out, "Lord, save us!" to the sleeping Jesus in the lower deck of the boat during this furious storm that seems to be lasting the whole year because she's afraid she'll be reprimanded for being ye of little faith.  And it's not that she hasn't asked Him for help.  She prays the simplest, shortest, most genuine prayers.  But either it doesn't seem like enough, or she needs to wait.

So she hangs on.

You know something's wrong when an introvert doesn't know exactly what she needs to fill her nearly empty bucket that has been slowly, and subtly leaking this whole time.  It's worse when she actually tries and tries and even tries new things to fill it with no avail.  The self discipline she had been working on for so long seems to wear off more and more with all the tears of frustration.

But she hasn't lost her imagination.  She still dreams of who she could be, what things she'd like to do, things she'd like to learn.  She dreams of being an unselfish wife, leading a vibrant campus ministry, living a healthier lifestyle, participating in a life-giving community, growing a deep, life-long passion for...something.

It's sad because the reality of the present begins to sink in with the deep disappointment that her imagination is beginning to look a lot like a carrot dangling in front of her face that will always be
just
out
of
reach.  

Sweet, sweet sabbaths.

I am so grateful to God for the gift of sabbath.  Especially in the midst of having this rain cloud hang over my head, taking sabbath is like running into a shelter for a moment of protection from the downpour.  It is by God's grace and mercy that I can rest despite the unrest I've often felt recently in my vocational world, my familial world, and my future.

It's also twice as wonderful to take sabbath with my new husband - three times as wonderful when you find a   beautiful way of taking sabbath together for two very different people.  Nathan came up with the brilliant idea of making a list of all the local coffee places and deciding to visit a different one during each sabbath.  It works really well for us.  Nathan gets to go explore a new area of town and gain a mini sense of adventure; I get the stability and consistency of visiting a coffee place (there's coffee and there's food).  Since Nathan is a high extrovert, he gets to be around the hustle and bustle of people coming in and out, having intriguing conversations or just being there; since I'm a pretty high introvert, although there are people everywhere, I thankfully don't have to talk or interact with them - I can just be in my own world of reading or writing or talking (when I feel like it) with my husband.  There's no rush to go somewhere or meet anyone, and we have the freedom to change plans on the spot.  And on top of it all, we get to learn a little bit more about our new neighborhood, enjoy some delightful treats, and spend quality time in each other's presence.  Even more so, since we tend to travel a lot, we can take our sabbath practices with us on the road...there's usually a coffee place of some kind in every town!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy taking sabbath with my husband yet?

Why lists work for me.

Lists often function as flotation devices for me.  They help me function in an ocean of thoughts or help me get out of brain traffic jams.

During my conference last week I felt like I was held in suspension above a large chasm, having left one side but not really moving towards the other side yet until the conference was over.  But now that I'm back, I feel like I'm just pulling through the mud of this heat in a wandering spirit, being pulled from one thought or task to another, not really getting anything done or when I do, not really feeling accomplished.

So I think the solution to this mind packed with little details here, tiny things to consider here, things to get done but those things not coming to the forefront of my mind is:  to make lists.

They are concrete and allow me to tie all of my thoughts and tasks to something that won't float away from any small distractions.  And then I can refer back to my lists instead of trusting my unreliable brain to remember what I need to do or think about.  And THEN, when I actually complete something, I can cross it off and I don't have to think about it anymore!

I can also use that space (particularly when I have long lists and type them in an outline form on my computer) to brainstorm ideas, questions, and thoughts freely without feeling like I'm signing my life away to a decision or losing something that could potentially grow into something better.

So far, my outline for this summer is two pages long.  And those are only my initial thoughts.

Lists are wonderful.  Gosh, no wonder why I'm 89% "Judging" on the Myers-Briggs test.  In dealing with the outside world, I prefer to have things decided and set.  I definitely enjoy creating structures and order!

Introverts, speak up!

By definition, we put our attention and get our energy from spending time with our inner world of ideas and images.  It doesn't automatically mean we're shy, it doesn't automatically mean we're anti-social, and it doesn't automatically mean we are less important and should become extrovert converts.  Everybody spends some time extroverting and some time introverting.  The Myers-Briggs personality type measures tendencies or  preferences, not trait, ability or character.  And in the world of discussing personality types, I feel like we introverts end up defending ourselves and our behaviors.

It does not, however, give us the excuse to prevent us from being vulnerable with others.

In fact, because we spend so much time in our heads, I believe it is necessary to share our honest thoughts and feelings with others.

Now, I'm not saying we introverts should conform to be more like extroverts.  I'm not suggesting we should change our restorative process or spend less time thinking or should try externally processing instead of internally processing.  I'm suggesting that we may be tempted more often than not to use our introverted personality type to keep our burdens to ourselves, stunt the growth of certain relationships in our lives and therefore isolate ourselves.  We may be tempted to exclude ourselves from experiencing true love and community.

Most of the time I think it stems from insecurities and fears.  The world of our own mind is closely connected to our hearts and therefore our thoughts and feelings are extremely precious to us.  We're scared that people will not handle our thoughts and feelings as sacredly as we do.  We're anxious that people will judge us.  So we find that in order to share those thoughts and feelings openly with someone, it needs to be someone we can trust, takes us seriously, and listens carefully.

Sometimes we're just afraid to share our thoughts or feelings out loud because saying them out loud - especially for anyone else's ears to hear - will make the thought or feeling real.  Almost tangible, even.  They're not just words because they carry something precious to us, and when we share them they're out in the world and we can't take it back.   

I actually think sometimes we believe that sharing our thoughts and feelings (depending on what they are) will be a lose-lose situation for us:  we're afraid we'll be wrong and we're afraid we'll be right.  For example, in high school I had a hard time admitting to anyone that I was stressed out, didn't have everything together and often messed up because if I did, I was afraid I would be right; that I was stressed out, I didn't have everything together and often messed up.  And therefore, I was afraid I would be wrong; wrong to believe that I could live up to being the little ray of sunshine that everyone could rely on and that I could be this diligent, responsible, righteous superwoman all the time, everyday.  It would lead to an experience of humility and shame.

However, my dear introverted friends, there is freedom and hope we also miss out on if we keep these things to ourselves.  Sometimes the things that whirl around in our heads aren't based on God's biblical truths and cannot be dismantled by our own doing.  And sometimes we won't even know that we're perpetuating a false belief unless we share it with others.  Unfortunately, reading minds was not one of the ways God created us to communicate with one another.

Take a chance on our dear extroverted friends.  We spend a lot of time defending ourselves as introverts and not appreciating or celebrating our differences.  Being extroverted doesn't automatically mean they enjoy hearing themselves talk, or aren't good listeners.  In fact, I think they're sometimes the best ones to share your thoughts and feelings with even if they're not fully baked because they're very understanding of not needing every word to come out of your mouth to be exactly what you're trying to say or what you really think.  Sharing those half-baked thoughts and feelings can be stepping stones to getting to where you're really trying to go.

So what I'm saying is, I understand the need for space and time to think and process (oh believe me, I know).  But what I'm suggesting is that we need to try sharing during and after that process with those we share life with about what we've been mulling over so that others may receive the opportunity to serve you well and you can have the opportunity to experience a connection with others and God that we all need.

It may not always happen, and sometimes we may get hurt, but if you close the door to that risk of pain you also close the door to that chance of the freedom and joy you can gain with love.

Mild melancholy.

On Sunday evening I came home to an extremely messy apartment that would normally stress me out, but instead I rolled up my sleeves and was excited to get started.  There were a number of reasons for this:  one being that it was a project I could start, work hard on, see to completion and delight in the fruits of my labor; while the other being that I was in a funky state of mind since the weekend and didn't know why or what had caused it.  I was ready to clean up whatever mess my brain and heart had accumulated from the external stimuli of the weekend.

Something on Saturday night acted like a straw that broke this camel's back.  I realized it wasn't really the content or events of the end of the year banquet itself that I attended that spurred this on, but rather a question that Pam Lee had posed to me in a conversation we were having.  She explained some of her plans for the future and asked me how I've been dealing with moving away from family and friends and the realities of them moving on with their lives without me (sort of).  In the moment she asked, it didn't really bring anything new to light - I had been mentally aware that leaving community behind was going to be my reality and is simply a part of life.  But it wasn't until later on that night as I was recalling that moment when I realized how much I needed to look in the mirror and face the reality of what I really felt.  In what seemed like a flash of a moment, I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness but didn't really understand where this was all coming from. 

So strangely enough, my attempt to internally process during my cleaning endeavors was not very helpful.  I focused, I cleaned, I reviewed, but couldn't really figure out anything significant.  But then again, now that I think about it, I don't think I was actually looking very hard.  

My internal diagnoses weren't really getting me anywhere beyond mixed feelings of sadness and I was still in this sad daze on Monday, so it was good to just talk to someone...which ended up being Nathan.  Talking about it helped me not just identify a little bit of what I've been feeling, but helped tie those feelings in with the patterns I've been experiencing all year, particularly with my overall temptation to feel like a failure and be full of regret.

It wasn't just that I was going to miss some key people in my life - it was this sense of not having closure and not having time to make it happen.  It's as if I was reading a sentence at the bottom of the page of a book, turning the page expecting to finish the sentence, only to find that the page is blank.  That's how I feel about these last few weeks in Binghamton.  There are still tasks to complete, and it didn't seem to be prime time for creating closure.

I've been feeling helpless, useless, sometimes frustrated with myself and sometimes frustrated with others.  I'm stuck in limbo, floating around until something hits me.

But I started this post a few days ago and things seemed to be turning around a little bit.  Now that I've identified this feeling of lack of closure, I can focus on trying to come up with ways I need to create that closure for myself.  As I share my thoughts and feelings with others they've helped remind me that it's okay to make mistakes, it's not my job to "fix" everybody and everything, and that the weight of that responsibility falls on the shoulders of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I am reminded of that freedom I have in Christ and how I can trust the One who loves the people in my community more than I do.

My carpe diem disposition (Part Two).

Here are some of the ways this disposition plays out.

So at first this may sound a little morbid, but I actively try to be keenly aware that I may die today or tomorrow...in as healthy a way as I possibly can with the Spirit's guidance.  In many ways (though not always) I let it shape my decisions, my attitudes, and how I treat other people.  And like all disciplines, it's a process of progress that starts somewhere.

Sometimes when I get into a car (especially as a driver), or onto a plane, or cross a street, or walk into a building, or have a conversation with people, I ask myself, "If I were to die in an accident, or someone attacked me, or whatever natural circumstances happened that I would die right now/today/tomorrow, would I be able to stand before God and that to the best of my knowledge and control, say to Him that I have been obedient and faithful?  Would I be satisfied with the general direction of my life in big-picture ways and the way I'm responding in day-to-day situations?"*

It doesn't mean I let worry, anxiety, or fear of dying take over me in a way that drives me to a kind of behavior that does everything in my power to avoid the chance of death (i.e. staying home all the time instead of going out, not learning to drive, not traveling).  Nor does it mean I push hard to live a life of ultimate dreams and perfection every single day because I'm messed up, people are messed up, and the world is messed up.  I think both of those mentalities come from a sense of unreasonable pride and control that dismisses trust in God's sovereignty or the depth of God's grace.

There isn't a higher standard to live by but rather a different perspective to live by - I don't live as though I've got all the time in the world or that I have to have complete control over everyone and everything.  I have the freedom to get angry or upset or frustrated or stressed at someone or some situation, but I train myself to keep in mind the brevity of life, which reminds me not to develop bitterness in my heart, to address those conflicts (as small or large as they may be) without putting it off or avoiding them, and to extend and receive forgiveness and love.

And one more thing I've been reminded of recently that compounds this disposition is that as Christians, we are called to live faithfully, not "successfully" to Him.  We are not defined by our achievements or failures.  God's love, grace and mercy are not earned or changed by our efforts or what we produce.

Greg Jao came to speak a few weeks ago and he posed the question, "Would you rather your daughter live scared or scarred?"  And though I grew up in an environment and have a personality that is predisposed to live a scared life for myself and for my loved ones, I am choosing to live a life that may be scarred from the falls of taking risks.  It's not easy and I don't always joyfully choose it, but with God's help I desire to make the most of the opportunity I've been given to live another day.

*Footnote:  I don't really know how to phrase this question well.  On the one hand, I don't want to say, "Would I be satisfied with the way I lived out my life?" because I knew that I am an imperfect being living in an imperfect world I would never be fully satisfied with the way I lived out my life.  On the other hand I also don't want to say, "Would I be satisfied with the way I was striving to live out my life?" because it gives the sense that I was only trying or  dreaming but not really acting upon those things as if they were or could be the reality.  At the same time, there's also this complicated concept of "control" and how much control I have on my life and God has on my life in big things and small things, and where all those unknown factors come into play.  So really, that question is somewhere in the middle.  I just don't know how to phrase it well.

'Quiet' and 'shy' doesn't necessarily define a typical introvert.

Are you a staff worker with InterVarsity or a Binghamton InterVarsity student that speaks the language of Myers-Briggs?  Well then, this post may be for you.

If we have a very simple and shallow understanding of the personality types or definitions, we often assume introverts are quiet or shy people or vice versa.  I've known that this isn't necessarily true, but I've never really had anyone give me a good way of explaining why or how they function differently until today.

I was reading this article and while the author takes a very interesting stand on where introverts lie in the society (although I don't know if I necessarily agree with some things or agree so strongly), I really appreciated the way she highlighted some of the differences between a person being shy to a person being introverted:

"Nor are introverts necessarily shy. Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating."

"...the shy person is afraid to speak up, while the introvert is simply overstimulated – but to the outside world, the two appear to be the same."

That's why it's possible to have a really shy or quiet extrovert or an introvert (like me) who sometimes gets defensive (or offended) when people seem to disregard or frown upon their silence or desire to not be around so many people or noises.

So please be careful:  we all embody all types - introverted, extroverted, sensing, intuition, thinking, feeling, perceiving, judging - but depending on the situations, we tend (but not always!) to prefer or lean one way or another, and each type is expressed on an introverted/extroverted level as well.

No one wants to be put in a box.  Just something to keep in mind when we're (yes, this is something I have to be careful of as well) off trying to guess or assume someone's personality type right from the instant you meet them - it's not as easy as it seems.

My wedding planning blues.

"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."

Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.

So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month?  Nada.  Nothing.  Zippo.  I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles.  That's it.

Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning.  Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of.  It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.

At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl.  You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal?  What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"

But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.

First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine.  Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit.  And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.

But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one.  Why?  Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress.  I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details.  Why would I torture myself that way?  It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?

2) The reality of costs and budgets.  I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.

3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead.  I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.

4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed.  And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate.  But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.

But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.

It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married.  It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what?  It can be fun, too."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.

2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget.  The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.

3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice!  The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.

4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies.  It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation.  By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.

So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.

I'm diving in!

ISFJ

Yes, that is my personality type according to some people named Myers & Briggs.

These kinds of personality types in addition to Gallup's StrengthsFinders strengths tend to come up a lot in conversation. I think about it a lot because it really does explain so much of why we respond to things the way we do. The Myers-Briggs personality types came up in conversation between Michelle, Gary, and me, and so we decided to look them up to see what they said.

Now I understand that these "personality tests" aren't "100% accurate" and should definitely be taken with a grain of salt. God created us to be such unique people and I love that. And you also have to take into consideration the percentage of each trait. You may be borderline Introvert or Extrovert and 95% Judging and another person could be 80% Extrovert and 25% Judging, which also helps us recognize our uniqueness.

But Michelle and I are both ISFJs and when Gary read us the description of our personality category, we just burst out laughing after almost every sentence he read because of how ridiculously accurate it was.

Here are some snippets from different websites' descriptions of the ISFJ personality type:

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging

"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life."

"ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses." <--Michelle and I particularly enjoyed this last line.

"Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice."

"One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling."

"Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem."

Others that I've read:

"ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable."

"The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators." <-- This might explain why people really liked our room when Michelle and I lived together.

"ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right"."

"We are lucky that Protectors make up as much as ten percent the population, because their primary interest is in the safety and security of those they care about - their family, their circle of friends, their students, their patients, their boss, their fellow-workers, or their employees."

I guess you're lucky to have Protectors like me and Michelle :]

all i ate was a slice of pizza. i wasn't hungry the rest of the day. must've been one heck of a slice.

today i stayed home. i'm glad i did. in case people didn't know, i'm mostly an introverted kind of person, and though i don't like staying home because of our family issues, i like to be by myself. i like doing my own thing sometimes. it's a little frustrating sometimes because people don't get that sometimes. like, i tell people i'm staying home and they're all like, "why don't you come hang out with us" or "why aren't you going to [fill in location here] with us?" and so on. and sometimes it's just cuz i need to recharge and i like to recharge by myself. i don't like being around so many people all the time sometimes, most of the time for the other people's sake. if i'm out and about too much it drains me out and then i'll stick things out if i have to, but if i'm tired and hot i usually get really grumpy and snappy and can be mean to people when i don't mean to be. and i don't want to do that to others.

i got frustrated again tonight, when raymond called [you guys, i'm so not good at talking on the phone just to chat]. we were talking about stuff and it got around somehow to the whole thing about people here at home getting mad at me for not keeping in touch with them and stuff and not wanting to come home and etc. and i got frustrated even though things are better and good with everyone now because i feel like i want them to know and understand why i don't like coming home and why it's hard for me to talk on the phone, especially for long periods of time.

but i feel like even if i explain, they'll never really get it. and that stinks, because i want them to understand. it's just like JROTC. no one really understands why i was in it, why it was an important part of my life, or what i actually did unless you were IN the jrotc at my school. my friends and family won't ever really understand what happens at bing, what i do at bing, or why it's so important to me unless they're actually there.

but i guess i should always try to explain anyway. i can't just assume they won't get it. and it's good to just share with them about my life there.

okay okay. so i shouldn't be frustrated. i get it. but i still can't help but be frustrated at myself for not liking to talk on the phone. and for messing up for not trying to reach out to my friends at home.

anyway, on a different note, i've been working on my novel. at long last.
and i've been reading a biography on audrey hepburn. it's an interesting read. it makes me admire her more and more.
it also makes me wish i could set up a projector in my backyard and show two or three audrey hepburn movies every night during the week of my birthday. that would be AWESOME. maybe i will do that.

btw, i'm going to finally use my gmail from now on. outlook is just getting too annoying with like a bajillion responses to emails piling up in my inbox. i don't get a chance to reply because new emails fill up my inbox so quickly. plus, i keep forgetting to change it from my hotmail account to my gmail account when i reply. so annoying. sticking to gmail.

i saw indiana jones in the theaters with my family today. let's just say i wouldn't want to see it again.

and when we left the theater, it was pouring rain - almost hurricane-like! it was wonderful. i think it means more to me than just the heat wave breaking :]