I don't know if it's because I drank a cup of green tea just before bed, or because there's a very loud band playing at the bar across the street and they've left the door open so that it sounds like the band is right outside my open window, or because of the fact that my husband won't be home for the next six days, but I'm suddenly very awake and can't go to sleep.
I've washed my face and in the meantime, the band seems to have put away their drumsticks and guitar amps for now. But being this awake made me think about things I think about and how I've been having such a hard time writing any blog posts lately because they'd just all be loose ends. Maybe if I write them down they'll eventually become inspirations for new posts.
My fear and discomfort with asking people for things - which covers everything from ordering pizza or helping me in some way - has been recently re-surfacing. It was going to be the topic of this next blog post, but I've already spent nearly two weeks on it and I still have no closing thoughts.
I still have not been connecting with God the way I used to, and even though I've stopped trying to keep up my old ways, I've lacked the motivation and inspiration to try new ways of connecting with God. I also realize I lack the faith that God is pursuing me and is with me, even though I know in my head that He is.
Today I led a couple of my freshmen students through a discussion around what's the most difficult part of committing to following Jesus - sacrificing comforts or desires, finding Jesus' purpose for me, or following through with my decisions until they are complete. And I found myself steering towards the second, as I thought about how I am average at many things and not great or passionate in any particular focus enough to discipline myself to develop my interests and skills further. I like singing, I like baking, I like planning parties, I like hosting others, I like reading, I like taking pictures, I like blogging, and so on, but I am not particularly dedicated to any one of those things, not even in small ways on a regular basis. I feel paralyzed and stuck with my gifts and purposes. It's discouraging and nothing new.
I've also been mulling over my ongoing naivete about best friends. For some reason, ever since I was extremely young, I had this solid core belief ingrained in me that it was possible and desirable to have a best friend for life. And maybe this belief was reinforced by shows or movies I watched, books I read, or relationships I've observed, but nonetheless, out of this belief came my deep value over my close friendships. I knew I would get hurt, and I knew I would hurt them at some point. But I invested myself wholly because I believed that if we could get past the hardships together, we would make it as best friends. The hardships would make us stronger. But somewhere along the way, my belief in lifetime best friends broke. And as I let myself hope again and gained back my belief, it broke again. Healing came, but with so many we've come out the other side as friends - some, good friends - but no longer as best friends. We've stood the test of forgiveness but couldn't stand the subtle test of time and change. And now, in a completely different phase of life, with no nearby old friends and the difficulty of making new ones, there's this yearning to again build upon the belief that it's possible to have a best friend (different from my husband). At the same time, there's this part of me that wants to say, "Why bother?"
This year I've noticed that I've reverted back to my usual shy-person-taking-forever-to-adjust-to-her-new-surroundings-and-not-be-as-shy phase that has typically occurred when I enter a new school. I'm not talking about introversion - yes, I'm still introverted and need my alone time, but this is the kind of attitude people always associate and mix-up with introversion that isn't always true. Shyness does not equal introversion. When I'm at the office, I don't really initiate conversations, and it's really hard for me to put myself out there to try and get to know the student workers or other chaplains. When I'm with my students, no one really comes over to talk to me, and while I try my best to meet new students and keep conversations going, I feel like it's particularly difficult because I don't have any go-to relationships with any of my students that can act as a home base in those kinds of group settings for me. And it's an annoying realization because I don't want to be shy. And I wasn't this shy just a year or two ago. But I can't help it - it's my slow adjustment process to the change of environment. Can you feel the tension?
Well, there you have it. My unfinished thoughts for the week. It seems as though the band across the street have packed up their music for good, and my eyes are ready to stop opening for the rest of the night.
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