Alias (Part Three)

Read Alias (Part Two) and then read this post. This is a long post, I must warn you, but to me it's a necessary one, so if you don't feel like reading, I won't be offended (not that I even know who you are that's reading this - I guess I can't be offended if I don't know)

Protecting yourself by pretending to be someone you're not can get extremely exhausting.

It takes a lot of work to keep up with the different roles, expectations, and acts that we've taken on for ourselves. We assume different identities when we're with different individuals or groups and juggle these elements (i.e. happy faces, telling people we're just fine, cracking jokes) around, putting on a show that we have it all together until we're not with them anymore. The masks come off, the balls we're juggling drop, and we wallow in the puddle of loneliness we had just created for ourselves.

And we can pretend that it's not true until that puddle of loneliness grows into a pond, and then an ocean where we try to deal with it by swimming in it. Then it gets to the point where our feet can't touch the ground anymore, swimming gets tiring, and soon we're just treading water. We get so tired to a point where we just let the tides of expectations lead us, pushing us this way and that. And when the storms come on those days when you least expect them to, we find ourselves drowning to a point where all we want to do is come up for air - to make it to the weekend or at least get through the day, so that you could have some chance of breathing.

As I describe it that way, I think about my senior year of high school because that's when I particularly began to get fed up with all of these acts. Throughout my life, my natural optimism, desire to excel in my responsibilities, self-discipline to always try to do the right thing, and guilt I poured out on myself if and when I felt like I had failed lay the bricks for others to build upon this idea that I was some sort of innocent, perfect, always-had-it-all-together kind of person. Somehow people's views of me perpetuated this identity into something more than it really was.

I let it drive people's perceptions of me because honestly, who doesn't like to be thought of as "the good one" or "the responsible one" or "the dependable one"? Who doesn't like to be spoken of so highly by others?

I'm not saying that this is all together a bad thing, but the problem was that I held so tightly to this identity to a point where I refused to let people in to see otherwise and would make decisions that would protect myself from breaking down that identity.

I had a hard time saying no, wanted to bring change to the world around me, and believed that I could and had to handle everything and do it all by myself. It was a terrible combination. By the time I reached my senior year of high school I was forcing myself to get up by 5:15 every morning, went to school for a full day of classes and then did my best to excel in my responsibilities as an Arista National Honor Society member, the Seekers Christian Club Praise Leader, JROTC Logistics Staff Captain, JROTC Drum Corps Commander by attending meetings, organizing/planning/executing special events, investing in those I led, and get home by 6:30pm every night to eat dinner, do my homework, prepare for college and start all over again the next morning. On the weekends I led or attended special events or activities for JROTC, invested heavily in my youth group, and went to church several times. And all the while I dealt with all the drama that came with my relationships with people, and did all I could to maintain this image that I could do everything, do it well, and do it all by myself.

And let me tell you, I definitely wasn't perfect or had it all together all the time. In fact, I was far beyond it. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally strained, but because I believed that I was strong, independent, and needed to have it all together, I saw this strain and exhaustion as a weakness rather than a sign of the reality that I needed people. Whenever people pointed out that I looked tired or sad or asked me how I was doing, I told them I was just fine and internally processed their comments to mean, "They can see my weaknesses. My protective identity is failing."

In a way I guess you could say I kept people at a distance. There were a number of reasons why I didn't open up to people, even my closest friends:

• I didn't want to burden people with my troubles.
• I was afraid they wouldn't understand.
• I was afraid they wouldn't want to listen.
• I was afraid they would say something I didn't want to hear.
• I was afraid they'd say something I already knew.
• I didn't want them to say anything and was afraid they would.
• I was afraid to be wrong.
• I was afraid to be right.
• I wanted to protect people from myself.
• I recognized that people go through way worse things than me, so I saw my own troubles as plain selfishness and less important.

So I kept people out, but at the same time, I desperately wanted someone to come in. It wasn't that I was creating a fake identity for myself by acting the way I was - I really was just being myself. But it wasn't the whole me and I wanted someone to know my struggles and my fears and let me know that everything was going to be okay.

I resented a few people, but for the most part I understood that this kind of loneliness was a position I had put myself in and figured it was something only I could figure out how to get myself out of. Thankfully by the grace of God, I constantly turned to Him and music instead of other dangerous ways to help me get through high school. I held on tightly to hope that rested in God because there was nothing else I felt like I could put my hope in.

A big reason why I can say that confidently and not arbitrarily is because of the journal I kept during the last half of my senior year in high school. That journal is like a museum that gives tribute to who I was and how I viewed my life at that time.

Here's an entry I wrote to God:
Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow. What a day. WHAT a day. I was so excited for the end of school. It went by really fast. I was really excited for the lock-in. I really was. Maybe in hopes that I'd bond with some people and maybe break down some barriers.

Well, they definitely weren't the barriers I thought I'd break.
I thought I was going to break barriers between me and other people - but it turns out You wanted to break barriers within myself. The water dams broke. When Uncle Tim asked me to lead the praise team for the retreat, something snapped in me. I was falling, but Pam & Libby were there to catch me.
Pam was giving me encouragement and saying positive things to me as I cried, and she made some good points, points I think You've been trying to tell me for a long time. You told me that I can't hold everybody up. I can't be superwoman. I'm such a hypocrite. I've been telling Aiko that she's not superwoman and that she doesn't have to suffer so much, but here I am, convinced that I've been doing the right thing this whole time, trying to carry the worries of the world while trying to unscramble and de-code my own. It's not humanly possible.
I'm trying so hard, Lord, and I've learned that that's never going to be enough. I'm stressed, I'm tired. I want to do so many more things but just don't have the time to do so.
I'm thinking of talking to the Seekers Leaders about not being the Praise Team Leader anymore. I've been praying to You, Father, and I think You've answered me pretty straight-foward.
I am not superwoman.
I am not superwoman.
I'll see You in the morning.

With all my effort put aside,
Your daughter,
Tammy

If you read most of my other journal entries, you see a theme of how I go back and forth, trying to figure out how to get out of this vicious cycle (I listened to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" a lot) of wanting out of this alias that I and those around me had spun together.
High school was where I built and maintained these aliases, and found the desire to break them down. College was where I began to turn that desire into action.

Get ready for Alias (Part Four)!

From deflated to excited.

It's days like these when I need to remind myself at the end of the day that the world does not rest on my shoulders.

I feel like I've been having a semi-deflating week, with the frustrations of knowing things could be better than they are. I know that I can be an agent of change with my own attitude, but it's hard when everyone else around you feels deflated, too. And it's not one of those, "Oh my gosh I'm going to be bitter and complain all the time and refuse to do anything because I don't feel like I can do anything" kinds of attitudes. It's more like, "I remember that God has big plans for my life and for the world. I trust Him that things will not fall apart and that His vision is worthy to lay my life down for. But what is my part? Where do I go from here to get to there and how do I invite people to come alongside of me?"

However, the key part of my deflating week is that it was only "semi-deflating."

There have been a number of times this weekend where God kind of elbowed me really hard in the stomach.

On Saturday my hospitality team and I got together for our weekly meeting, and after finishing up the last chapter of How to Inherit the Earth, I wanted us to just talk about what it would look like if InterVarsity was successful in carrying out its mission. I don't know about my team, but it got me so excited! What got me even more excited was how Sarah Min had a good idea about something she wanted to see happen at Large Group and then was like, "I'll just try at next week's Large Group." Something I've admired about her is how she loves to dream things up and just goes out and does things to accomplish them. People like me tend to easily dismiss dreams because they seem impractical or too far off to accomplish.

With my curiosity and excitement firing up, I asked Sarah after our meeting what were some of the other things she's been dreaming up for herself. My admiration for her deepened as she shared so easily some of the things she wanted to do and how she had already took some steps in the direction of accomplishing them.

Then she unexpectedly turned the question back to me: "What do you dream about doing lately, Tammy?" I thought about it for a few seconds before saying, "I honestly haven't thought about it." And it was interesting because she said, "I think you should sing somewhere."

Of course, with the mind that I have that most of the time easily dismisses dreams, I started telling her, "There's not many opportunities I find besides talent shows and open mics, and even then I usually only get to play one or two songs." And I joked around that I should hold my own little mini-concert but then dismissed that because I wouldn't like all the attention or pressure - it's something I'd want to share with others.

And that eventually led me to the idea of holding a Benefit Concert to raise money for the NYCUP Spring Break Plunge that me and 19 other people from our chapter are participating in during our March spring break. I knew there were a lot of people in our chapter who may interested in helping us out by performing.

So the idea of planning the event got me really excited as well. I think it'll be really fun and a great opportunity for people to donate.

And...I just miss singing with people and for other people. This gives me a good excuse to say, "Hey, wanna sing with me?"

So even though there are now a bajillion things on my plate (I exaggerate) this week and things just keep popping up, I will not use this space to complain or whine because it will not solve anything and will only bring down the attitude. Blame cannot be labeled on anyone for these things - they're just the way they turned out. That's why I said it's days like these that I need to remind myself that the world does not rest on my shoulders. And besides,

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

From James Bryan Smith's "The Good and Beautiful Life: Putting on the Character of Christ"

Chapter Four: Learning to Live without Anger

Visceral and meditative anger are fueled by two ingredients, unmet expectations and fear, that, when united, ignite into a strong emotion. Unmet expectations are occasions for anger. [Fear] is good old-fashioned insecurity. The initial unmet expectation has moved to a level of threat. It is only when we are threatened in some way that we get angry. Our problem is fear and we think control is the solution.

From fear to trust. My daughter Hope and I were at one of my son's many baseball games. She went off to a swing with a friend. She never left my field of vision, but I moved from one part of the stands to another. When she turned to see me in the stands she thought I was gone; she welled up with tears and began running to the stands. Only about thirty seconds went by, but within that time she lost her breath and began panting with fear. I said, "Hope, I am over here," and she came running. "How could you leave me!" she said, trembling. "I never left you," I said. "And I never lost sight of you. You lost sight of me." She calmed down quickly, but the fear took a while to subside.

We may lose sight of God, but God never loses sight of us. God gives us space to experiment, grow, and mature; God never intrudes. But this doesn't mean God is not with us, is not watching us, is not intimately familiar with our comings and goings.

Question: How does trust diffuse anger?

We have gone astray and desperately want to be found.

My heart has been heavy these past few weeks with this burden for my fellowship. My heart breaks when people share with me their frustrations, their brokenness, and their desperation. My heart breaks when I see people making similar mistakes to the ones I've made in the past. My heart breaks for my roommate and my floormates because I want them to know and experience the hope and joy I have in God. My heart breaks because I care so much about so many people and don't really know how to handle it all. I am brought to my knees to pray again and again.

Fasting with my dad and my sister on Friday for my family was also a fasting for my fellowship to me, and it only punctuated my desire for God to move and deepened my longing for my blood family and my spiritual family to be rejuvenated. There was no particular revelation or enlightenment or clear direction or next steps for me.

At the same time, though my heart breaks there isn't a sense of hopelessness.

Whenever I pray for the fellowship recently I am drawn to pray simple prayers of confession and intercession, but I also walk away reminded of God's character: if my heart breaks out of complete love for my brothers and sisters, how much more does God love them? If I desperately desire deliverance, how much more does God desire it? And because of His omnipotence and omniscience, how much more power does He have to do something about it than me?

Where there is brokenness, there is a hunger and yearning to seek His face, and I am confident in hope and rest in the sweet taste of joy because I know His character has not changed - He keeps His promises and will do anything to bring that one lost sheep back to the other 99.

And they said to me, "The remnant there in the province who had survived the exile is in great trouble and shame. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates are destroyed by fire."

As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven. And I said, "O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you. Even I and my father's house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, 'If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there. They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand. O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man."

Now I was cupbearer to the king.

-Nehemiah 1:3-11

Paul says it better than me.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

-Romans 5:1-11

From Sarah Arthur's "The One Year Daily Grind" Devotional for February 9th:

It's easy for churches to think of their group struggles as some sort of spiritual liability, as if God will only work through us if we've got it all together.

If only, if only...

But the Secret of Weakness is not primarily about what God is trying to teach us in the midst of our struggles but how God wants to bless others in the midst of our struggles.

People seek out the church, not necessarily because Christians are strong and vibrant and healthy and have it all together, but because the honest Christians have known what it is like to be weak.

Our pain and suffering are not some kind of spiritual liability. They're how God positions us to bless others.

"Prayer is

rebelling against the status quo."