New house.

Oh yeah, Nathan and I are moving in to a new house in a few weeks.  I keep forgetting about that.

People have been saying congratulations and asking if I was nervous, but honestly, I've only really been thinking about it when Nathan or someone else brings it up in conversation.  Nathan's been taking care of pretty much most of the details (shocking to most, but not really in my opinion), so I guess that's part of the reason why.

I wonder if part of why it hasn't sunk in is because you can get a house for pretty cheap in Rochester, so it's not as big of a dent in your wallet as it would be getting a house somewhere in NYC.  Buying a house in NYC, my dear readers, would be a big deal to me.  Now that would be a big commitment and very permanent in my opinion.  And it would definitely whack a whopping dent in my wallet.

I'm not really looking forward to the actually packing and moving part.  And I'm not too keen on the upkeep side of being a homeowner (with our apartment it's so easy - you just call when there's a problem and then someone comes and fixes it for you for no additional cost!).

I am, however, excited about the possibilities of DIY projects that owning a house can bring.  While it's not like I was in prison and couldn't do any DIY projects in our apartment, not being able to paint the walls or hammer in nails were apparently enough limitations for me to feel like my entire DIY craft freedom was taken away.  That's probably how I subconsciously rationalized my lack of home projects.  I have hope that actually owning a house will help inspire me and kick me into a let's-make-something-creative-and-useful-and-pretty kind of mode.  

The other thing is, we'll be moving in with other people (though it keeps changing and is not entirely set yet).  I was hesitant at first about this whole intentional living community thing, but less so now that Nathan and I have at least a year of marriage and living together on our own under our belt.  But as to how I'll feel about that emotionally as it becomes a reality is hard to say right now.

As many of my faithful readers probably remember, I do not think I am a person who naturally likes to be on the move.  If things were up to me, I'd probably pick a spot and stay there for the rest of my life.  I think of myself as someone who likes to set her roots and keep those roots growing.  But with feeling disconnected from my NYC home and with college and post-college life keeping me on the move, I've often wondered if this is how Abraham felt when God called him to pack up and go.  And keep going.  And keep moving.

But strangely, as I think about moving from the apartment to the new house, I don't feel anxious or reluctant or like a turtle being pulled out from her shell.  I don't know if that's because the whole new house thing hasn't sunk in yet, or because I'm starting to get used to this state of constant moving.  Who knows?  Maybe I'm just...ready.

I guess we'll find out in a future blog post.

Physical health to boost my spiritual health?

When I came across this blog post and read the first paragraph, I screamed (all in my head, of course), "That's ME!  That's exactly what I'm experiencing."  That's the numbness I've kind of started to feel sink in.  It's a scary feeling to recognize that you have no desire to do the things that used to bring you great joy.  I don't know if I kept saying, "I'll do it later," over this month, but there definitely has been a lack of motivation to do anything because of this temptation to stop caring.

It's interesting that the author was talking about the connection between spiritual health and physical health.  I disconnected with the author a bit at that point, mostly because I'm not overweight (thank the Lord), don't eat that poorly (hallelujah), and have actually been doing better in the physical fitness realm (it's a miracle).  But I only disconnected just a bit.  I have been feeling sluggish and not very well rested for a while now, even though I've been getting enough sleep.  It's interesting, though, because the more frustrated I've gotten with life, the more I'm okay with taking it out via running.  Just the other week I managed to run a total of almost 10 miles in a span of a few days!  Trust me, that's a big deal in Tammy's world.   

Nathan and I have set up a point system for ourselves - the more physical activity we do, the more points we get; the more points we get, the better the reward we can exchange for the points.  For my big 100 point reward, I can turn them in for concert tickets.  The idea is that I can get concert tickets for any of the bands or musicians I want, even if it's in a nearby state or not very close to our area, so we could turn it into a mini road trip.  Hence, the biggest reward on my list. 

But if it's motivation I'm looking for, I might have just found some for myself because I discovered tonight that Sara Bareilles is coming to Rochester!  I love (most of) her music and think she is super talented.  I really want to see her in concert.  I've seen some YouTube videos of her live concerts, and she seems like such a great entertainer and performer.  So I'm pretty excited.  I'll have to work hard and be really disciplined to stay on top of my physical activity, but it's definitely a reasonable goal to reach in order to earn the rest of my 100 points.  I'm so glad Nathan and I came up with a variety of ways we can earn points - I don't have to run my way to Sara Bareilles.  Praise Jesus.

A weekend to quench my thirst.

I had an absolutely refreshing weekend.  It was so nice to get away from campus, not have to worry about work, and not think about my oh so thinly developed Rochester community.  There were so many factors that made this long weekend great:

Meeting with my supervisor.  I love my supervisor.  She's a great listener, has excellent intuition, knows how to challenge me without pushing me over the top, and gives such genuine encouragement.  It was so good to see her and meet with her and just share about what work has been like lately and to ask for help where I needed it.

Spending time with good friends who were willing to listen to me talk about how I was feeling about things going on in my life.  I knew I needed to take a sabbath since I'd be at a wedding all day Saturday, and as you well know by now, socializing is not my go-to life-giving activity.  Well, spending the afternoon with girlfriends who know me and understand what I do and were willing to listen just hit the spot.  I felt bad for rambling and talking so much, but I knew it was something I've really needed for a while now.  They were so great and it was so much fun to visit and be with them.

Fall is here and the weather has been gorgeous.  It seemed like the trees along the road in the Poconos/The Crossings area were at their peak.  There were so many red, orange, yellow, and green colors with speckles of purple flowers everywhere.  It was so beautiful to look at as we drove along.

Singing in a friend's wedding.  I can finally cross that off my bucket list, though I wouldn't mind doing it again.  I've always wanted to sing at a friend's wedding, and what better way to do that than with some of your old college praise team members!  I was so honored to be asked to be a part of it, and am so happy for the newlyweds.  The ceremony was great and the wedding overall was fun and so well done.  

There's so much I left out, but I figured I'd spare you the details (ooh, except for the fact that I got to see Pam, if even for a split few minutes - it was too short, but it was better than nothing!).  The weekend was packed with good company, good conversations, good weather, good travels, good food, and good fun.  Now if only I can get my hands on some butter and bake some pumpkin scones or something, that would be awesome.

Desert ground.

I've learned many important things about marriage before I actually got married.  One of those things was that getting married doesn't erase the loneliness in your life.  It makes sense - the marriage of two people means the marriage of two sinful people who live in a sinful world.  And while Jesus is our ultimate source of comfort and joy, it doesn't mean you won't ever feel lonely.

This year was a pretty rough one, in that every area of my life was in transition, change, and in some cases, chaos.  But in the invisible and subtle ways that God often works, He pulled me through.  I don't really know how He did (though I'm pretty sure having Nathan in my life had something to do with it), and I'm still having trouble connecting with God and experiencing His presence in my life this year, but I feel like the storm has passed for the time being.  It still has its effects, but that's a whole different story.

Though, as I've been reflecting on my lack of best friends, mourning the loss of community, and chewing through the time and effort it takes to build a new one, I think I'm beginning to feel a sense of loneliness sink in for the first time.  I think part of what evoked it is from the fact that I'm in NYC without Pam or my dad around, and Nathan is away hiking the Appalachian Trail for a few days in radio silence.  Some of it just comes out of the basic desire for someone to take initiative with me - to be excited that I was in NYC and express desire to spend time with me without me having to fish for it.

From there, my loneliness manifests itself just from thinking - wondering whether or not I make some difference in the world and if I really matter to people besides those who are kind of obligated to love me (aka, my family and Nathan).   Or what my life would look like if I didn't work for InterVarsity, having some pretty stellar colleagues who are there for me simply through the circumstances that we work together.  Even though in movies it's always inspiring and sweet when something tragic happens to someone and they discover all of these people who come flocking to them with encouragement and support, I don't want to wait for something tragic to happen to me to find out who really cares.

It sounds pretty emo when I read that.  But I think it feels like because I've moved out of Rochester, I've moved out of people's lives.  It feels like it has caused a chasm in physical distance and relational distance, and no one really wants to make the effort to reach across it, even just to meet me halfway.  There's this hunger in me to go deeper with others; not necessarily to debate things like political views, theological beliefs, or the weaknesses of this generation; but instead to listen to others' struggles, character flaws, or mistakes, and to be able to share mine.  I want to be one of the first ones they think of to share some joyful piece of news, and vice versa; simply so that we could be there for each other.  

Moderate homebody of sorts.

I'm a bit of a homebody.  Not to the truest sense of the word, though.  Maybe 'moderate homebody' is a more accurate description.  I don't prefer to be home at all hours on end.  When a great opportunity arises to travel to a different state or a different country, I'm usually down (if it's feasible).  I enjoy long car rides most of the time, especially if they're to new places I've never been.  I don't really enjoy flying as much anymore, but that's mostly because of the liquid limitations (as stupid as it sounds, I unashamedly love and need my lotion...and lots of it) and "new" costs to check baggage, which I find extremely annoying.

I guess I call myself a 'moderate homebody' because I enjoy going out and traveling on the minimum end of my time.  A special occasion.  Something to look forward to.  A temporary, clearly limited time living out of a suitcase until I can exhale a sigh of relief to be home.  It becomes not so great when I'm traveling back to back to back to back.

But being home can be so boring, some of you may say.  Not so for this moderate homebody.  Home has endless possibilities for me.  It can mean reading for hours on end, or trying a new dinner recipe I've always wanted the time to make.  It can mean crafting some birthday cards or dreaming up some creative ways to send my congratulations on the new baby.  It can mean baking something delicious from scratch, or watching some fun movies from Netflix, the library, or Redbox.  It can mean having the personal time and space to host my students in town for the summer, acquaintances I hope will become friends, or out-of-town friends who would grace us with their presence to visit for a few days.  It can mean cleaning and organizing what I had hoped would magically clean and organize itself.  It can mean quality time with my husband, talking or playing or eating.  It can mean a quiet place to think, reflect, or meditate.  I love it.  I bring the adventures home without having to go very far.

And now that my home is in Rochester, it can mean a lot of other things - exploring a local cafe or shop, attending a town festival, or learning something new.  It could mean visiting museums, the zoo, or art galleries.  It could mean volunteering somewhere to serve my community.  I could take a day trip to Buffalo, the Finger Lakes, or picnic on the "beach" at Lake Ontario.  Day trips to be back home without having to pack a suitcase.

But it seems as though when this moderate homebody agreed to marry a man who grew up and thrives in chaotic travel plans, she signed her summers of moderate homebody-ing fun away.  Well, maybe not away completely.  More like to a limit of one or two weeks?  As this is our first summer together as a married couple, it will be a test of sorts.  Last year we also had crazy travel plans, and since we were engaged it was particularly difficult for me.  It should be easier this time, but we'll have to see.

Now, since you're probably a faithful reader (or stalker, whichever floats your boat) of this blog so far (or you were referred to this by someone else who follows), keeping up with the sparse updates of what's going on in my mind, I'll let you in on a little secret (for those of you who don't already know):  if you'd like to follow my more superficial, day-to-day life adventures with Nathan, you can check out my other blog.  You'll probably find updates of where our crazy summer plans will lead us.  Happy stalking!

Family shenanigans.

Ever since my time in college, spending time with my family sometimes made me feel out of place.  In college, time passed, and I changed immensely.  With my family, though, time passed and things either didn't change or changed very, very slowly - including the way my family viewed who I am.  More often than not, I've had a difficult time trying to reconcile who I was and who I was becoming.  It often felt like when I left for college I had begun to grow out of my shell, but every time I came back home I had to squish myself back into the old shell I had outgrown...and no one would seem to notice or treat me otherwise.  It's not meant to be an entirely negative thing - it's not like I felt neglected or unloved, or anything.  Just a little out of place, awkward, or not really knowing how to navigate the space anymore.

But having my family visit me and Nathan in Rochester this past weekend was extremely refreshing.  And I think a big reason for that is because it felt like I wasn't just introducing my family to my new home and new life, but I was introducing my family to my new shell.  This is who I am becoming.  Welcome to the space of new life I've been creating for a while now.  Here's a taste of what I value, what I enjoy, what decisions I've made and why.  What God's been doing in me.

And it was exciting because they seemed to like it all.  We enjoyed ourselves quite a bit!  We talked about life, we were silly, we ate good food and had a lot of fun.  I got to show them where I work, where I like to eat, where we live.  Maybe it was exciting because I somehow felt that if they liked Rochester, then it was them saying they liked and accepted the new me I was becoming.

Of course, there are still things we're learning about our new family dynamics of me no longer living in their house, being married, and having a whole different kind of life.  There definitely were some minor tensions from time to time.  But considering the relational turmoil we've undergone this past year, it's a beautiful new beginning that makes me rather happy.  I know it'll take time for things between us to continue new growth, but seeing the hope I was hanging on to actually come to life is enough to keep me content for a while.

Thoughts on life in Rochester.

So I may not know who I am anymore, have any close friends in the area, or know what gives me rest and life, but there is one thing I know during this season of life besides how I am enjoying married life:  I like living in Rochester.

I think a lot of that credit goes to the particular area of Rochester where I live.  The downtown city of Rochester may not be teeming with life as obvious as the hustle and bustle, flashy lights, and the Starbucks-on-every-corner of New York City, and it may seem a bit run down in some parts, but it's chock full of great things to do, places to explore, and food to eat.

As I was thinking about how to list out the reasons why I like living in Rochester, I started to realize that a lot of them overlap in some ways or are sub-categories in other ways.  But I think there's one over-arching, summarizing phrase (that I heard someone use once, but I now use all the time) to describe why I like Rochester:  it's a big city that acts like a small town.

So instead of reasons why I like living in Rochester, here are some of the reasons why I like about Rochester's "big city, small town" feel (in no particular order):

1. Downtown Rochester has many neighborhoods, and they each maintain their own unique identity without having to go very far.  The South Wedge has a hipster, creative, eco-friendly vibe going on.  The 19th Ward is extremely diverse, varies in socioeconomic backgrounds, and is a bit more run down.  The Neighborhood of the Arts (NOTA) has tons of galleries, coffee places, and artsy-fartsy decorations.  Those are only a few, and it only takes a few minutes to explore one neighborhood from the next.  
   
2. It's big enough to have all of your usual big-name restaurant/store chains, but it's also small enough to have "Rochester only" chains.  You've got your typical franchises like Target, Starbucks, and Applebee's.  You've even got your less common, famous places like Dinosaur BBQ and Texas Roadhouse.  Rochester's even big enough to have chains that I wasn't able to have easy access to growing up in New York City (e.g., Red Robin)!  But then you have these local small chains like Java's, Boulder Coffee, and Colie's Cafe, that are in maybe two or three different locations in the Rochester area.  You can't find them anywhere else!
   
3. On the surface, Rochester may seem boring to some, but when you look, there's way more to do than  typical small towns that only have bowling lanes and movie theaters.  There are plenty of meritorious theatres, museums, galleries, and events to participate in when you're in Rochester.  From concerts to races, parades to festivals, and even open mics and service opportunities, there's plenty happening around the city.  And with things like classes that you could take at one of the universities, Monroe Community College, YMCAs, art centers, or even at a local microbrewery or coffee roasters, there are plenty of communities to join and things to do.
   
4. There are enough famous historical figures and events that Rochester can be known for, but it's not so much that's it's a bit crazy.  We're where George Eastman developed the handheld camera and founded his Kodak company, and where Susan B. Anthony lived and persuaded the University of Rochester to admit women.  We're home of the original garbage plate, and where the first Wegmans store opened.  These are all well-known enough to put us on the map and not to be forgotten, but not overwhelming enough to take over the city.
   
5. Particularly because of where our apartment is located, it's really easy to walk or bike to most places.  And if we have to drive, it's maybe 20 mins tops.  I can walk down to the Genesee Center of the Arts for my photography class in less about fifteen minutes.  The Abundance Co-op Market is three or four blocks west.  The central public libraries are a mere ten minute walk.  The Public Market is a mile away.  Dollar movie theater?  Less than a 20 minute drive.  It takes two or three minutes to get to the awesome Museum of Play.  The public transportation system isn't all that convenient, but the roads are pretty pedestrian and bike friendly.  It's especially helpful that the roads aren't always so congested so that it's scary or dangerous to bike.

So that's all I've got so far.  It's been fun exploring the Rochester area.  And even if the "smallness" and traditions of Rochester may grow all too familiar, the beauty is that it's big enough that there are always new things to try.

And you know what's nice about all of this for me?  It's beginning to look and feel like home.

And yet, I am a little bit skeptical about how much I like it here.  Like what happens so often with new toys, new gadgets, and so on, it's easy to get caught up in the newness of it all before the shiny-ness starts to wear off.  Soon enough you may start finding what was once new has become obsolete and has lost its intrigue, mystery, and delight.

But I'm hoping I grow deeper in my understanding of the brokenness and joys of this city.  I hope I grow a deeper sense of commitment, love, and compassion for the people, networks, and systems within it.  I hope God will help me learn to adopt this city as my own the way He adopted me.