junior year, commence.

Greetings from Digman 216!

I am back in my old room, halfway settled in both physically and mentally.
I CAN'T wait until Michelle and Priscilla get here. And the Tuttles, of course.

The drive up with just me and my parents actually wasn't too bad. We talked about their younger years and learned more about how I am "royalty" as Uncle Cliff once dubbed me and Libby. Uncle Cliff claims we're royalty in regards to our Christian community because our parents were so involved and connected with so many people back in their day, and still make and maintain some form of those connections today.

Hence, why I've gone to too many weddings (more than I can count on my fingers) of people whom I do not know, why I always bump into people who knew me before I could talk or walk...and why we bump into people on the street who know my parents but my parents don't remember who they are.

Apparently, that's how the royalty roll. At least, in my family.

Anyway, so we talked about all these people they knew and grew up with. It was pretty cool. I love listening to my parents tell stories about how they did this or that and how they knew this person or that person. It brings connections. I got to ask questions (like, "So when I get married, are there going to be obligatory people for me to invite? Because between you and Pam, that's a lot of people to invite..."). It was good :]

And now, even though I'm by myself in the room, I'm not alone on the floor. Angie, my awesome RA, and Sarah and Su-Ann (although Su-Ann isn't staying here for the night), my awesome neighbors, are here for early arrival, so...

Welcome to junior year.

Ooh, I should tell you about my birthday and show you pictures. It was great! Can you believe I'm 20 now? I sure can't.

happy book.

I think my happy book has been on hiatus for too long.
Time to break it out.
When I get back to school.

this post has been taking me too long to write. so i'll make it brief as to how i'm feeling right now.

Alright, I get it, people. Next summer I'll stay home. Sheesh.
You all don't understand me.

Except Pam and Michelle.

I was watching Gilmore Girls season six today. I felt like I had become an unintentional Rory.

dickinson love.

It's one thing to love dickinson, but it's totally a different kind of love when you know every single person's name who lives there.

Okay, well I don't know everyone's name by heart, but yesterday as I put a label on all of the RCRs (Room Condition Report forms), I got to see everyone's name. I decided to try and pray for every single person as I put their label on their RCR, which was not an easy task, I must say. But it's awesome how God changes your heart through prayer, right? I got more excited for our Dickinson family as a love grew in me for these people I didn't even know (with a handful of exceptions). Some of the more foreign names I didn't even know if they were a guy or girl, but I knew God knew :P

And of course I prayed for the names I came across of the people I knew, our Dickinson dream team/family. It made me happy and at peace. I know this semester is going to be a tough one, as usual, but still good.

I'm moving into my Dickinson home of Digman 216 on Monday, so I'm excited about that. I'm about 85% packed already, so packing the rest tomorrow should be a breeze.

I want to see change happen, and I'm ready to be that change.

By the way, I watched the ENTIRE five-hours-and-thirty-three minutes of the Yankees-RedSox game yesterday, texting with my dad, chatting with Michelle and Winnie (who was delirious, btw - completely entertaining :P) the entire time. It was one crazy game, guys. I like how I've been becoming more of a true Yankee fan being here for the summer. My dad's proud of me :]

crocodile dream.

I think Joe, Bix, Bix's mom (yeah, random!), maybe Chris, maybe a little girl (i can't remember who), I think my Auntie Di, and Caye (a missionary from Arizona whom I've known since I was four) were with me going through this humongous arena-like room that was completely covered in vines and jungle-like stuff. I think we were exploring and now were trying to find our way out and Caye was leading the way. There was all this stuff happening (adventurous I believe), but I can't remember what it was. But it wasn't really dangerous or life-threatening I think, until we finally knew the way out...these HUGE crocodiles were coming over this hill. And they weren't like, normal crocodiles. They were oddly shaped...almost geometrical, I guess. But I was freaked out mostly by the leader of pack. They were all coming right at us, so we started running. And Caye was saying that she knew how to handle them, so we should run as fast as we can, and she'll take care of them.

We thought she was crazy, but we ran. And then we went back and saw that Caye was about to be eaten by the leader of the crocodiles, and I held my breath and didn't doubt that she could get away. But whatever it was she tried to do, it didn't work, and the crocodile swallowed half of Caye! Well, it wasn't as graphic as it may seem. It was like those cartoons. But while she was in there, she kept yelling, "I praise God! I praise God!" And then I think Bix's mom did something that freed Caye, and then we all had to fling ourselves over this ledge, which looked like we were in the scene in I Love Trouble (with Julia Roberts and Peter Brackett), not that any of you have seen that movie. But it was mad scary, and you had to fling yourself really hard/far. And next thing I know, I'm doing it and then I'm holding onto the little girl's hand and we're safe! Everyone else is safe, too.

Then I find we're in some sort of church that's under construction, dusting ourselves off, really happy to be alive. And then Mindy comes in with her glasses on, comes up to me and pulls on my sleeve, asking me if I would come to the youth group/college group showing of a Pokemon Movie. In my "head" I was like, but I'm so tired! But I said okay, and told her to lead the way. So I followed her into this pretty spacious room where my home tv was set up on one side of the room, and all the high school youth group kids were in front of the tv on these metal folding chairs that were set up, and then behind them were a bunch of college group kids. Sarah was in the middle. I directly went to sit next to Gary Lee and some of the other guys from my church. And we talked a little bit, I don't remember about what. And I remember watching the back of Sarah's head, wondering what she was thinking, but also feeling some sort of peace, sitting in the back with the guys because I hadn't talked with them in so long.

The End.

P.S. The picture was just something I found that I thought was funny. Don't know the kid at all, maybe she was the little girl I was with in the dream.
P.P.S. "Croc" was an answer to a crossword puzzle I tried doing the other day. Maybe this dream came from that?

remembering.

Just as I was writing the part where I was frustrated because I had to be taught over and over and over again, I remembered His love. He asks me, "Don't you get it? Don't you understand my love yet?" but He still calls me His own, His joy and His masterpiece.

And I looked at the song I had just posted not even a week earlier, and I was ashamed again at how quickly I had forgotten. All day as that song was completely stuck in my head, He had been reminding me of how He was with me, but still at the end of the day I let the voices penetrate my heart.

Praise God for not letting me go.

reading old blog posts.

It really frustrates me, how quickly I forget the things I've learned.

I was looking through some old blog posts. MAN did I write long posts. Even I didn't want to read the whole darn long things. Sheesh. And I wrote about such petty things sometimes. Like my hair. I did the whole, "I did this" and "This happened to me" thing a lot.

Some of the comments you guys made were pretty funny though. They made me laugh.

But I was looking at some of the things I've learned, and it made me want to kick myself. These are the same lessons I have to keep teaching myself, the same mistakes I keep making, the same questions I keep asking. I don't understand. Does it mean I really didn't learn anything the first time?

I was telling Carrie a couple of weeks ago that I remember that at the last church retreat I went to, my godfather spoke and his messages were themed around Genesis, about the people in Genesis - you know, like Abraham, and Issac and Jacob and Joseph. And I remember being completely amazed at how much I had learned and how much my perspective changed about the Old Testament during those few days. I remember learning so much about Joseph and really identifying with him.

But I can't remember what exactly I had learned.

I remember Pastor George doing a whole series, going through the book of Joshua, and taking away so many points and writing them all down, completely soaking in everything during those couple of years in high school. I can remember a few foggy details, like something about the importance of building monuments or memorials. But I can't remember why. I don't remember much of what happened in Joshua.

I remember going to TECBC as an alumna Bible study leader, and totally learning a lot from the speaker that weekend, even though I didn't expect to. But I don't really remember the details. I took poor notes that weekend, too.

You see, I can remember the context of the learning things and my eyes being opened to things God has been trying to tell me, but how come I can't remember what I've learned? Why do we forget? I feel just like the Israelites who kept forgetting God's promises even though He repeated it over and over and over again. I feel like Jesus' disciples who were in awe of how Jesus fed the five thousand and then asked how they were going to feed the four thousand the next day, or how they asked about the bread when Jesus wasn't talking about Wonder Bread at all.

This may seem trivial, but I don't remember much math or physics. Or biology. I've never really studied. I'm not a studious person. But I did pretty well in those classes. I can memorize things for a short period of time, but if I'm not constantly practicing it, it all goes down the drain. But the other horrible thing is that I'm not really one to practice. It's a horrible combination. How am I going to help my kids with their math homework or physics homework one day?!

I feel stupid. I feel like my brain just absorbs all this information like a sponge, and then because my sponge is overloaded, things just start to drip out if it isn't squeezed out to make room for more information.

I was on facebook earlier, and I was looking at some pages of people I used to talk with everyday. And I have no idea what's going on in their lives now. And they have no idea what's going on with me. I thought about how so many of my relationships have changed dramatically, how I miss my old friends. And it makes me angry how we've lost touch and even though I want to be angry at them for not keeping in touch with me, I then get angry at myself because for most of those relationships it's my fault I didn't keep in touch with them. I'm so wrapped up in my own selfish life that I'm "too busy" to keep up with everyone else's.

And then I just get annoyed at everything.

Just like all the things I've learned, just like all the friends in my life, so many are just slipping like water through my fingers and I feel like I can't hold on to anything.

I know we can't be close friends with everybody. I know we can't retain everything we've heard or read. But my mind just can't seem to wrap around it all.

I haven't run in a long time, and I've chosen to stay in my room when I should've gone out. But I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of myself and how messed up I am.

I can't do this by myself - I can't run this race by myself. I've been chatting with people online, video-chatting, emailing...but it's the internet. I'm tired of the superficial and yearn for something deeper. I want to connect to something deeper. I want more than a pep talk or a cheer up. I feel like I know the answers, I just can't grasp them.

I miss singing from my heart. I've been singing while I've been here, but I've been holding back. My housemate is pretty much always here, and she can hear everything.

I need God.
But I need people, too.
I miss my friends - the ones I have now and the ones I used to have.
I know I only have two weeks left here, it's like the last leg of the race.

I have so many questions and no answers but at the same time you know the answers are right in your hand, like when you come back to your house, the very house you grew up in, only to find that you've forgotten which key unlocks the door.

Oh look, I've returned to writing long blog posts.

GOOD song :D

My iTunes is on shuffle when I listen to it.
When I was listening yesterday, this song came up, and although it's always been a favorite of mine, it particularly speaks to me because I think it's my summer theme song :]

If you guys have never heard of Ginny Owens, something special about her testimony as an artist and Christian is that she's blind but she plays the piano beautifully and sings beautifully as well.

Just wanted to share it with you guys. Go give it a listen!



The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

If You Want Me To // _ginny owens

Michelle, can you accompany this song for me to sing one day?

Oh, and I just realized: Happy August, everybody :D