reading old blog posts.

It really frustrates me, how quickly I forget the things I've learned.

I was looking through some old blog posts. MAN did I write long posts. Even I didn't want to read the whole darn long things. Sheesh. And I wrote about such petty things sometimes. Like my hair. I did the whole, "I did this" and "This happened to me" thing a lot.

Some of the comments you guys made were pretty funny though. They made me laugh.

But I was looking at some of the things I've learned, and it made me want to kick myself. These are the same lessons I have to keep teaching myself, the same mistakes I keep making, the same questions I keep asking. I don't understand. Does it mean I really didn't learn anything the first time?

I was telling Carrie a couple of weeks ago that I remember that at the last church retreat I went to, my godfather spoke and his messages were themed around Genesis, about the people in Genesis - you know, like Abraham, and Issac and Jacob and Joseph. And I remember being completely amazed at how much I had learned and how much my perspective changed about the Old Testament during those few days. I remember learning so much about Joseph and really identifying with him.

But I can't remember what exactly I had learned.

I remember Pastor George doing a whole series, going through the book of Joshua, and taking away so many points and writing them all down, completely soaking in everything during those couple of years in high school. I can remember a few foggy details, like something about the importance of building monuments or memorials. But I can't remember why. I don't remember much of what happened in Joshua.

I remember going to TECBC as an alumna Bible study leader, and totally learning a lot from the speaker that weekend, even though I didn't expect to. But I don't really remember the details. I took poor notes that weekend, too.

You see, I can remember the context of the learning things and my eyes being opened to things God has been trying to tell me, but how come I can't remember what I've learned? Why do we forget? I feel just like the Israelites who kept forgetting God's promises even though He repeated it over and over and over again. I feel like Jesus' disciples who were in awe of how Jesus fed the five thousand and then asked how they were going to feed the four thousand the next day, or how they asked about the bread when Jesus wasn't talking about Wonder Bread at all.

This may seem trivial, but I don't remember much math or physics. Or biology. I've never really studied. I'm not a studious person. But I did pretty well in those classes. I can memorize things for a short period of time, but if I'm not constantly practicing it, it all goes down the drain. But the other horrible thing is that I'm not really one to practice. It's a horrible combination. How am I going to help my kids with their math homework or physics homework one day?!

I feel stupid. I feel like my brain just absorbs all this information like a sponge, and then because my sponge is overloaded, things just start to drip out if it isn't squeezed out to make room for more information.

I was on facebook earlier, and I was looking at some pages of people I used to talk with everyday. And I have no idea what's going on in their lives now. And they have no idea what's going on with me. I thought about how so many of my relationships have changed dramatically, how I miss my old friends. And it makes me angry how we've lost touch and even though I want to be angry at them for not keeping in touch with me, I then get angry at myself because for most of those relationships it's my fault I didn't keep in touch with them. I'm so wrapped up in my own selfish life that I'm "too busy" to keep up with everyone else's.

And then I just get annoyed at everything.

Just like all the things I've learned, just like all the friends in my life, so many are just slipping like water through my fingers and I feel like I can't hold on to anything.

I know we can't be close friends with everybody. I know we can't retain everything we've heard or read. But my mind just can't seem to wrap around it all.

I haven't run in a long time, and I've chosen to stay in my room when I should've gone out. But I'm tired. I'm tired of wondering, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of myself and how messed up I am.

I can't do this by myself - I can't run this race by myself. I've been chatting with people online, video-chatting, emailing...but it's the internet. I'm tired of the superficial and yearn for something deeper. I want to connect to something deeper. I want more than a pep talk or a cheer up. I feel like I know the answers, I just can't grasp them.

I miss singing from my heart. I've been singing while I've been here, but I've been holding back. My housemate is pretty much always here, and she can hear everything.

I need God.
But I need people, too.
I miss my friends - the ones I have now and the ones I used to have.
I know I only have two weeks left here, it's like the last leg of the race.

I have so many questions and no answers but at the same time you know the answers are right in your hand, like when you come back to your house, the very house you grew up in, only to find that you've forgotten which key unlocks the door.

Oh look, I've returned to writing long blog posts.