treading water.

i wanted to explain my behavior on sunday. because one thing that people don't know is that i hate to cry in front of people - not because of the action of crying, but because people always think they know what i'm crying about but really, they're wrong. and in the midst of crying, i'm not going to explain to every single person why i'm crying, so i just keep quiet. but the cost of that is that people make assumptions. sigh. one can never win.

and it feels stupid now to think that i was crying. especially stupidly right before everyone came. and stupidly right before the budget appeal so i couldn't even go to the bathroom to wash my face.

anyway, so i've been thinking a lot lately, as i normally do too much of when my emotions go all wacky and i need to try to explain to myself and to others how i'm feeling. and so, as usual, i've come up with an analogy as to how i've been feeling.

i feel like i always get thrown into the deep ocean (which is scary, btw. i don't like deep open water) and am demanded to either sink or swim. no one tells you how, no one gives you anything to help you out - if you don't understand what to do or how to do it, you sink. and you're not allowed to sink. so if you sink, you fail. but it's like a viscious cycle because obviously if you knew how to swim you wouldn't have sunk in the first place.

that's what's been frustrating me. with the treasurer stuff, i feel like i'm expected to just swim without being taught how to float. i don't know what to expect, how to prepare myself, what i'm doing wrong with their rules and regulations...i keep messing up/making mistakes but i don't know how i'm supposed to be doing things and i feel like there's no one i could go to that would have the time or make the effort to help me out.

so it's not that i'm beating myself up. even though i'm not a finance-savvy person, i know i'm competent at following procedures and can do what i'm told. i like obeying the rules. they're there for a reason. but if i don't understand how i'm supposed to follow those rules, how am i supposed to obey them? i'm left to interpret things on my own or to go through trial and error, which means, sink or swim. which drives me nuts because sinking is usually something you don't want to do.

for example, on saturday, while i was at cornell, i got an email saying that i failed the treasurer's exam because i failed to put together the voucher correctly. i was like, wtheck but whatever i just had to go in and fix it.
so i went in today to fix it, but alice (vice president of finance) handed my test to me and said i didn't complete it and all i had to do was complete the voucher form. but i was staring at it and was like, whaaat? what didn't i complete? so i looked it over and i still had no idea what i didn't complete because the info sheet they gave didn't have the information i needed. so i did the best i could and asked the assistant (because alice stepped out) if i finished it and she looked it over and said, "i don't know, i didn't grade this one." -_- sigh.

sinking...sinking...

so on sunday, while e-board was praying before going in for the appeal, i broke down because i was so confused and tired (physically and emotionally) and frustrated with just treading water for so long.

so that's why i've been struggling with trying to understand how God works, too. with this whole, how am i supposed to do everything God wants me to do? stuff. it feels like God just threw me out to sea, tossing under the crashing waves, expecting me to swim. and He throws me a life support or a map (the Bible), but i have no idea how to read it or interpret it on my own. how am i supposed to know that the way i'm interpreting the Bible is correct? i feel like the Bible is something so in depth and crazy that you can't just read it and skim the surface of its importance or meaning. it's so deep and so long that it's overwhelming.

sigh. i wish i knew how to swim and swim properly. i can't last on treading water forever.

no worries _simon webbe
you are worth it all _FFH

ahhhh (a sigh of relief)

if you were to ask me what my week has been like, i would have no idea how to answer.
i've had a number of episodes where i acted all delirious and everything because i've been tired/complaining/whiney and have been trying to get myself out of that attitude/mindset. so i apologize for my craziness and for my complaints. please give me a good verbal kicking if i do that.

yayyy i finished one of my resumes this week! i still haven't figured out this whole multitask-for-God thing, but i did manage to finish my resume with the help of some wise upperclassmen whom i care about and admire for their wisdom and knowledge.

i told pam that one of the things i think i'll try to do is just increase my knowledge. and one of the things God has been inviting me to be more curious about is catholicism (cuh-thol-i-sizz-um...not cath-lo-sizz-im. i got it, i got it), so i told pam i think when i take sabbath, i'll do some research about something - it could be catholicism, or it could be an issue going on in the world, or a different religion...things like that. and i should also do something to serve my brothers and sisters and their needs.

so i'm at cornell right now, in the library (with the clocktower - i forgot the name of the library) with karen, who's working on her german homework. we rode up with michelle (and kim and vivian, too) to participate as koinonia groupies. koinonia is taking part in gospel jam 2009 (which i wish we could've done last spring...booooo), which is located @ cornell university this year. koinonia had to get here around 9:30, so we left campus @ 8am! after dropping the kids off at school karen and i bumped into marion again (after seeing her right as we got on campus), and she took us around for a little bit until we ended up at the library so karen and i could do some work until lunch. except i wanted to blog a little bit, keeping karen company at the computers before i immerse myself amongst the harry-potter-like bookshelves of the library in the other room.

i think karen and i are going to eat lunch with eddie and marion later, and then we're gonna hang out with people and deliver some banana bread and then tag along with koinonia as they perform all around ithaca. i'm so excited for this day! the weather is beautiful and cornell's campus is awesome as well.

we'll see how the rest of this day goes. i'm so happy to be here to support koinonia and to have fun and relax and be productive all at once :]

i don't understand.

wow i don't remember posting that last blog entry. but good thing i did or else i would've written that all over again and then gave up finishing and then there'd be another blog entry to add to my unposted list.

so, something i've been struggling with this semester is this idea that i can't do everything. basically i understand that we can't do everything and that we shouldn't do everything, but i don't understand what things we should do and should concentrate on.

i keep asking God a similar question every day: God, how do you expect me to do everything i should be doing? for example, how am i supposed to do well in college, lead worship well, take care of the freshmen, take care of my sisters and my best friends and my friends back home and those i am leading, keep up with my reading for school, continue to pray throughout the day, read my Bible everyday but not just do it out of routine or habit, use my gifts and strengths but also strengthen my weaknesses, step out of my comfort zone, feed the hungry, manage my time and my money and my possessions well, eat healthy and exercise everyday, take care of my body, make sure i get enough sleep, and so much more....all at the same time/everyday?

i know that i have a personality thing where i like things to get done and be completed, and maybe i have a form of perfectionism in that sense, but how am i supposed to break out of that mindset? how am i supposed to make myself be okay with not completing something, with leaving some things off to the side?

oh my gosh i just had an epiphany! it's why i'm having such a hard time putting together my resumes.
resumes are only supposed to be a page long, right? and they're supposed to be shaped to the specific position that i'm applying for.
but i have like this huuuuge list of things that are important and could be relevant to that position, but there's not enough space to fit all of those things onto the page!

there are just so many things to take on, so many responsibilities, so many roles to live out that i never know which one to tackle first or what to do with the others.

and i know that that has to do with wisdom and discernment (which i know i have to keep praying and asking for), but i feel like that just adds on to the other things i'm supposed to do, the other things i'm supposed to keep in mind, the other attitudes i'm supposed to change.

what to do?

i've been aware for quite a while now that i haven't blogged in an uber long time. people probably have given up on my blog and won't ever read it again because i haven't written in so long.

it's funny because there were so many instances in my life this past month where i was like, "ooh, that would make a good blog title," or, "oh, i should blog about that!" but just haven't had the time or inspiration to just sit down and blog. but now that i have a couple of hours at work doing nothing, i could blog away for a bit.

excuse me for my randomness :P

i'm excited for softball :] i keep complaining in my head about how we're probably going to split the team by upperclassmen and underclassmen, but deep in my heart i know it doesn't really matter. either way it's going to be really fun.

something i wanted to blog about earlier: how this year a lot of what i'd been praying for and learning and challenging myself to do has been following through. if you look at my black book where i wrote down like...everything, during the retreat of silence i wrote down a prayer where i asked God to take my voice, my writing, and my attitude and shape them to be pleasing offerings to Him and to bring glory to Him. it's amazing to see the ways He's been answering that prayer and continuing to work those things through me.

the spring semester funk came back when i returned to school from winter break. the first couple of weeks were so weird to adjust to the changes, and i was running around like a lunatic, trying to get into a groove of some sort. and now that i have, i haven't been getting much sleep, but it's been a really good semester of growth and hard work.
i really like how a lot my relationships have been growing deeper within each other and have been helping me grow deeper in my relationship with Christ. awesomeness :]

i can't believe i'm going to be a junior soon. like, if you think about it, there's REALLY not that many weeks of school left. ahhh craziness!

okay gotta stop thinking about that.
time to get out of work and go play!