treading water.

i wanted to explain my behavior on sunday. because one thing that people don't know is that i hate to cry in front of people - not because of the action of crying, but because people always think they know what i'm crying about but really, they're wrong. and in the midst of crying, i'm not going to explain to every single person why i'm crying, so i just keep quiet. but the cost of that is that people make assumptions. sigh. one can never win.

and it feels stupid now to think that i was crying. especially stupidly right before everyone came. and stupidly right before the budget appeal so i couldn't even go to the bathroom to wash my face.

anyway, so i've been thinking a lot lately, as i normally do too much of when my emotions go all wacky and i need to try to explain to myself and to others how i'm feeling. and so, as usual, i've come up with an analogy as to how i've been feeling.

i feel like i always get thrown into the deep ocean (which is scary, btw. i don't like deep open water) and am demanded to either sink or swim. no one tells you how, no one gives you anything to help you out - if you don't understand what to do or how to do it, you sink. and you're not allowed to sink. so if you sink, you fail. but it's like a viscious cycle because obviously if you knew how to swim you wouldn't have sunk in the first place.

that's what's been frustrating me. with the treasurer stuff, i feel like i'm expected to just swim without being taught how to float. i don't know what to expect, how to prepare myself, what i'm doing wrong with their rules and regulations...i keep messing up/making mistakes but i don't know how i'm supposed to be doing things and i feel like there's no one i could go to that would have the time or make the effort to help me out.

so it's not that i'm beating myself up. even though i'm not a finance-savvy person, i know i'm competent at following procedures and can do what i'm told. i like obeying the rules. they're there for a reason. but if i don't understand how i'm supposed to follow those rules, how am i supposed to obey them? i'm left to interpret things on my own or to go through trial and error, which means, sink or swim. which drives me nuts because sinking is usually something you don't want to do.

for example, on saturday, while i was at cornell, i got an email saying that i failed the treasurer's exam because i failed to put together the voucher correctly. i was like, wtheck but whatever i just had to go in and fix it.
so i went in today to fix it, but alice (vice president of finance) handed my test to me and said i didn't complete it and all i had to do was complete the voucher form. but i was staring at it and was like, whaaat? what didn't i complete? so i looked it over and i still had no idea what i didn't complete because the info sheet they gave didn't have the information i needed. so i did the best i could and asked the assistant (because alice stepped out) if i finished it and she looked it over and said, "i don't know, i didn't grade this one." -_- sigh.

sinking...sinking...

so on sunday, while e-board was praying before going in for the appeal, i broke down because i was so confused and tired (physically and emotionally) and frustrated with just treading water for so long.

so that's why i've been struggling with trying to understand how God works, too. with this whole, how am i supposed to do everything God wants me to do? stuff. it feels like God just threw me out to sea, tossing under the crashing waves, expecting me to swim. and He throws me a life support or a map (the Bible), but i have no idea how to read it or interpret it on my own. how am i supposed to know that the way i'm interpreting the Bible is correct? i feel like the Bible is something so in depth and crazy that you can't just read it and skim the surface of its importance or meaning. it's so deep and so long that it's overwhelming.

sigh. i wish i knew how to swim and swim properly. i can't last on treading water forever.

no worries _simon webbe
you are worth it all _FFH