My wedding planning blues.

"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."

Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.

So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month?  Nada.  Nothing.  Zippo.  I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles.  That's it.

Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning.  Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of.  It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.

At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl.  You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal?  What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"

But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.

First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine.  Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit.  And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.

But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one.  Why?  Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress.  I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details.  Why would I torture myself that way?  It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?

2) The reality of costs and budgets.  I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.

3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead.  I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.

4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed.  And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate.  But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.

But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.

It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married.  It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what?  It can be fun, too."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.

2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget.  The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.

3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice!  The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.

4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies.  It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation.  By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.

So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.

I'm diving in!

A pancake fanatic, a dutch baby, and homemade applesauce.

These food pics are actually quite old.  I made them a long time ago but haven't put them up because of a number of reasons:

1) Picnik is apparently joining Google+, so the normal features I use to make these picture collages aren't available - and it didn't occur to me to find another free photo editing website until now.

2) I've been busy/trying to scale down my food budget or at least be more conscious of it and so I've been baking less - and when I do I try to keep it super simple with things I have on hand in the kitchen that I don't have to go out and buy special ingredients.

But thanks to FotoFlexer, I'm back, and here are some finished products from the last few months.  Lately I've been trying to use my new low-fat/low-cholesterol cooking and low cholesterol cookbooks (because really, those are the only cookbooks I currently own - I used to use my mom & family's cookbooks and recipes), and decided to try out one of the baking recipes.  

That's when I came across this strange thing called a dutch baby.

I think it really was the intrigue of the name rather than the simplicity of the recipe that inspired me to try this out.

Modified dutch baby

It's actually super easy and is pretty much a giant pancake.  Maybe a pancake fruit tart wannabe.  It's nice because you can put whatever fruit or stuff you want on top - just like you would with crepes.  The recipe called for strawberries and kiwis but I didn't have either of those so I used what I had on hand - bananas and clementines.

Yum.  I'd make it again.  It calls for a bit of a confectioner's sugar, but there are other recipes that don't use that much sugar.  Plus, I'm sure it would taste just as great with syrup or honey.  But the citrus juice and sugar are what makes it a dutch baby pancake, though. 

So along the lines of pancakes, I've been making pancakes pretty frequently ever since I've moved to Binghamton, as you've seen some of my experiments in previous posts.  They have so many variations that they're just fun to make and experiment with.  For these I found a banana pancake recipe from my low-cholesterol cookbook and decided they were boring banana pancakes so I threw in some cinnamon, honey and shredded coconut with the banana slices.

Banana coconut cinnamon pancakes

Now, I'm not a big muffin fan who knows the muffin man, but I'm always looking for new things to eat for breakfast.  And since I came across a streusel muffin recipe (which I've never heard of before) that seemed simple from my low-fat/low-cholesterol cookbook, I decided to give it a whirl.  Plus, I think Kenzie was staying over at my house at the time and I wanted to have something nice for her to eat.

I always get confused about what the difference between streusel and strudel was, but I looked it up and it turns out that strudel is that flaky pastry while streusel is the crumbly cinnamon sugar topping you put on cakes and pies and such.  You typically see it on coffee cakes, you know what I'm talking about.  Now you know.

I guess these were pretty delicious - Kenzie and I ended up eating like 3 1/2 of them for breakfast one day.

Streusel muffins

So I'm trying to remember where I found the recipe for these gingerbread pancakes, but I think I used the one from my low-fat, low-cholesterol cookbook and excluded the syrup topping the recipe called for and substituted the molasses for honey (not the greatest substitute, but hey, it's all I can do).

Gingerbread pancakes

They actually turned out okay, but the fun part was adding my own little pizzazz to them.  I knew we had a lot of peppermint candy canes leftover from Christmas, so I crushed some up (quite a stress reliever, I must say) and sprinkled them on top to complement the gingerbread taste of the pancakes and give them a little extra crunch.  I would definitely do that again.

Sweet homemade applesauce

As I've been looking through a bunch of low-fat and low-cholesterol baking recipes (and even before I was searching), I've been noticing that some recipes use applesauce to substitute for sugar.  I've sometimes read reviews of recipes from allrecipes.com where people did that as well and said it turned out nicely.  But I've never actually tried it, so I decided to try and make my own.

Now, brace yourselves, because I'm about to tell you a secret:  the only kind of applesauce I've ever known in my entire life was Mott's.  And it's not that great.  I never knew there was such a thing as applesauce from real apples.  I know.  My naivete sometimes deprives me of good things.  But don't worry, ever since Nathan introduced the concept to me last year, I have crossed over to the land of "Experienced" who know that homemade applesauce is pretty awesome.

The process of making applesauce is SO simple (at least, from the recipe I followed) that I don't think I'll need to buy applesauce ever again.  But even though it was simple, it wasn't the easiest thing for me to actually do when it came to mashing the cooked apples.  I didn't have the proper tools so I ended up using a puny fork to mash the cooked apples which made for a lot of work.

The moral of the story:  use a potato masher or something of equal capability to mash cooked apples or else the time and effort to make applesauce may not be worth it.

The end.

Till next time :]

Relentless Act:s - Preparing for Lent

I was challenged to prepare for Lent by answering the question, "What are you willing to sacrifice?"

And so for my sabbath today I decided to prepare for Lent by learning a little bit more about it and humbly examine myself for the temptations and sins I struggle with that would be difficult to give up.

As a way of visually reminding myself to prepare for Lent, I decided to decorate the door to my room.  The theme verse for the Relentless Act:s Lent preparation is Romans 12:1-2, so I decided to put verse 1 (because putting both verse 1 and verse 2 would be a little too difficult) on my door in a crafty visual way of symbolizing that my door of my heart needs to remain open during this Lenten process.

Then I uploaded some pictures to create a "resource" on World Vision's Relentless Act:s website and it was so cool to see it on the homepage of resources.  I knew it wouldn't last forever because I'm sure it's only there until the next person uploads another resource, so I print-screened it to show it to you here:

My resource is in the bottom left corner under "Resources"!

The annoying thing about the website is that it doesn't show my whole picture, even when you click on it - so people viewing it will only see part of it.  So odd.  Maybe when people download the resource it provides the whole picture.  But you guys get to see it here:

I'm still working on my answer to, "What are you willing to sacrifice?" because I'm trying to dig deeper on what it really means for me to sacrifice and I'm trying to figure out what area of my life God wants me to focus on changing.  I'm also trying to learn more about different social justice issues and see how I may need to adjust my lifestyle. 

I know examining ourselves and repenting of our sins is supposed to be hard, but I'm really excited about this because I've been praying and trying to figure out how to repent and what behaviors or attitudes I need to change, and I really like the way World Vision is approaching it.  It's something that I get to do with people all over the country and the world, reminding me that I'm not doing this by myself.  It's also cool to see how people are responding to God, and to share ideas of creative ways to approach Lent.  

It's also really inspiring and motivating me to tap into my imagination, and that definitely feels like an old friend I haven't seen in years. 

A work in progress.

Through the darkness of the night
I'm granted hope to endure the fight
Keeping my head above the surface of
The swirling lies and desperate cries
That drown the truth and smother the joy that pave the path unto the light.

Though I feel like I'm not capable
I believe that He is faithful
Despite deep oceans of my emotions
That carry fear, I know He's near
For He's my refuge and my anchor when my world remains unstable.

Relentless.

I've decided that a way that could help me take sabbath is by coming up with creative ways to take them and then post them here on my blog to share about my experiences here with you.

During my post-breakdown/forced recovery on Tuesday (when I tried to go to sleep early but couldn't sleep - I hate when that happens), I was talking with Sarah and she gave me the idea of spending my sabbath rearranging my room.

I loved the idea - so I ran with it.  Here's what my room looked like before:

The process was definitely restful.  I knew it would be good because it was a project I could start and finish and enjoy the fruits of my labor.  I watched a couple of episodes of Friends (I've never really watched too many episodes before - more on that in a different post), listened to some music, and ruminated over some TED talks (this one is particularly good!).

And here's what my room looks like now:

Photos don't really do it justice, so I hope you can tell the difference.  If not, that means if you're one of my friends, you should come visit so you can see for yourself!  If you're an acquaintance and we don't really talk, you should stop vicariously getting to know me via cyberspace and actually say hi because I would love to get to know you better.  And if you're a complete stranger, you should just get over it because you shouldn't be stalking me.

It's interesting timing because I'm going to participate in World Vision's Relentless Act:s, and the first week is  the challenge of recreating our physical environments - I didn't realize.  But maybe this act of sabbath is a good way to prep for Lent.  I was thinking of using that week to decorate my room during that week of Lent so that I'll be aware of important issues.  I'm excited to see how I will encounter God in this way and what He'll say to me.  You should do it with me so we can talk about it!

Anyway, praise God for an awesome sabbath.  Now I have a new space to diligently do my work and actively rest to renew my strength and remember who I am in Christ.

From one of my old notebooks from my freshman year of college:

"It's not about what we accomplish but what we relinquish." --Anonymous

I've been making mud pies with my weak desires.

"The negative ideal of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point.  I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love.  The New Testament has a lot to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end of itself.  We are told to deny ourselves to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire.  If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I must submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith.  Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased."

--From The Weight of Glory, by C.S. Lewis

Bless the Lord.

Emotional workaholic.

Nathan made that term up.  That's what he called me today on the phone.  I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done.  I agreed and said that's probably what it is.  And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.

They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?

My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.

My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience:  I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.

My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.

I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly.  This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school.  This time, it's just got a different face.  Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important.  And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight.  It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.

My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.

The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks.  Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea.  It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in.  Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians.  I am no exception.

If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have.  It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time.  So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it.  I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.  

Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance."  At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic.  I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is.  When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else.  I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is:  why do we settle for less?

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5

If you have time you should check out the twenty questions you can ask yourself to see if you're just like me.