Nathan made that term up. That's what he called me today on the phone. I've called him a workaholic before, but today he said that I may pace myself better task-wise, but I'm always emotionally preoccupied with what else I need to do and who else I need to care for because my job [as a staff worker, as a friend, as a neighbor, as a sister & daughter, and as a Christian] is never done. I agreed and said that's probably what it is. And then we hung up and I burst out crying for the second time today.
They say the first sign is denial and the first step to recovery is acceptance, right?
My name is Tammy and I am an emotional workaholic.
My crying perpetuated itself because feelings and thoughts I wasn't aware of were suddenly rising to the surface of my conscience: I'm so, so physically and emotionally tired; I have been running on empty; I feel like a hypocrite to my students whom I've been worrying about for overworking; I wish a close friend was here to give me a hug; I feel like a failure for not getting this, this, this, this, and this done; my love tank of affirmation is very low; I feel lonely and needy and don't like that I feel that way; this is an all-too-familiar problem and I should have learned my lesson by now.
My name is Tammy and I am a recovering emotional workaholic who relapsed.
I've always struggled with taking care of myself properly. This isn't a particularly new concept to me - I've been struggling with this since high school. This time, it's just got a different face. Even though I'm better at limiting the number of kinds of commitments I make (i.e. joining/leading way too many clubs or ministries), I still have not gotten the hang of setting boundaries and setting aside time to rest for myself is extremely important. And it's not just about "doing nothing" - I've done that a number of times this week - but it's about personal fulfillment and delight. It's about enjoying something that's unique to who I am because that's who God created me to be.
My name is Tammy and I don't want to be an emotional workaholic.
The problem is I know what I need to do in my head - it's the action part that slips through the cracks. Telling me I need to take Sabbath and take time off or develop my own personal growth will not switch on a light as a novel idea. It's the actual discipline of doing it that needs to kick in. Funny, I feel like that's a general issue with many of us who call ourselves Christians. I am no exception.
If I want to align what I know to be true with what my heart desires, then my behavior should reflect the decisions I've made and the beliefs I say I have. It's a basic conviction I've valued for a very long time. So if I know I need to rest, then I need to follow through on setting aside time and space to rest, enjoy the gifts that God has given me to share with others, and not feel guilty about it. I need to set aside a decent chunk of time every week for myself and defend it against the multitude of needs that never stop coming to hang out on the doorstep of my heart and my brain.
Eh, I think it could be arguable that the first step to recovery is "acceptance." At least, I don't necessarily agree that it is just the acceptance of myself as a workaholic. I think more importantly it is the acceptance and acknowledgement of who God is. When we remember the character of God, it sheds light on our own sinfulness and how we've replaced Him in our lives for something else. I think when we remember the truths of who God is, the question we should ask ourselves is: why do we settle for less?
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your disease,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
--Psalm 103:1-5
If you have time you should check out the twenty questions you can ask yourself to see if you're just like me.
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