My wedding planning blues.

"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."

Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.

So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month?  Nada.  Nothing.  Zippo.  I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles.  That's it.

Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning.  Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of.  It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.

At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl.  You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal?  What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"

But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.

First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine.  Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit.  And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.

But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one.  Why?  Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress.  I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details.  Why would I torture myself that way?  It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?

2) The reality of costs and budgets.  I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.

3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead.  I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.

4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed.  And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate.  But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.

But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.

It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married.  It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what?  It can be fun, too."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.

2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget.  The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.

3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice!  The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.

4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies.  It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation.  By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.

So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.

I'm diving in!