For Janie.

My heart broke for Janie.  Tonight, my heart breaks for her family.

Janie was just 2 years old when she went to be with the Lord forever this afternoon.  And for a little more than half of her young life, she had been fighting Rhabdomyo Sarcoma, a rare and very serious cancer.

I never met Janie.  Nevertheless, this felt like it hit close to home.  Janie's parents went to my home church in NYC, and her dad was one of my favorite Sunday School teachers.  I never moved back to NYC after graduating college, and the Gong family had moved to Shanghai to follow God's call.  So we were too far apart and didn't go to NYC often enough to have crossed paths after Janie was born.

But through the sometimes helpful world of Facebook, I "met" Janie.  Her dad, Alan, and I are Facebook friends, so I got to see pictures of her when she was born and as she started growing up.  She got the Cutest-Baby-of-the-Year Award in my book.  I mean, how could you NOT think this was the cutest baby of the year?

I wish it had been under different circumstances, but I started to get to know Janie (and her family) better after I found out about the cancer and her dad started posting on Caring Bridge, a website that helps keeps friends and family updated about situations like this.  He'd share some of his own personal thoughts and struggles as he wrestled with his first child having to fight cancer in her first few years of existence.  He'd share updates about Janie's condition.  And he'd share about Janie's normal growing experiences - the personality she was developing, things she would say as she learned to talk, etc.  And every now and then he'd post a little video clip or two of Janie, to see a glimpse of who she is for yourself.

I always looked forward to those video clips.  People described her as a little girl who melted people's hearts when she entered the room, and just from watching the short video clips and seeing pictures, I totally agree.  She brought joy to your life and a smile to your face.

I can't imagine what Alan and Daisy are feeling or going through right now with the loss of their child.  It feels like it digs much deeper than if I was not yet married at this point in my life.  There have been many times where I have imagined me and Nathan having our first child, and it hurts and frightens me to think about the possibility of going through a similar situation.

That being said, I was greatly moved by how open and honest Alan was about his thoughts and feelings every time he updated about Janie.  In just a few sentences I'd admire his courage and brevity in sharing such personal and poignant things.  It was encouraging for me to continue to be vulnerable with others, even in the darkest moments of our lives or on the rockiest paths of our walk with Christ.

May God continue to make Himself known and present in Alan and Daisy's lives as they grieve.  May He grant them and their families deep peace and renewed hope.  May He be glorified and others be encouraged by their stories and testimonies of Janie's time with us on earth.  Amen.  

Homebody vs. wanderlust.

Sometimes it's difficult for me to admit that I like staying/coming home.  Maybe it's because a lot of people talk about their big dreams and deep desires to travel to different countries and see the great wonders that the world has to offer in such a way that it would seem ludicrous to want anything less.

Don't get me wrong - if I had all the temporal and financial resources or won some chance to go overseas or cross national borders, I wouldn't easily pass up a chance to travel.

But no matter how much I want to deny it, I am definitely a big, fat, homebody at heart.  I'm actually really okay with not seeing the edges of the world or daring to take an adventure across a foreign land - not because I'm afraid to or want to stay within my comfort zone, but because I see how there can be so much to discover and learn right in my very neighborhood.  Even though it has its share of complicated issues and increasing tensions, I am like a tree that commits to digging its roots deep into the soil to discover new sources of water and nutrients once it is planted.  

I've talked about this concept of home and being on-the-move in following where God leads before, and it's still something I'm wrestling with and will be wrestling with for a while (who knows how long?).  At this point, it feels as though NYC will always been important and special to me, but it's a shell I seem to have outgrown for now.  And Binghamton is a nice place to return to, but knowing that it won't be where I'll be living in a few months from now has caused my roots to hesitate to dig deep.

Traveling like a madwoman this past week (and then some) wasn't too bad.  I had a lovely time in the mid-west, enjoyed the weather and my hotel bed and visiting my baby cousin in Cali - but when you're an introvert like me and have spent the last 10 straight days interacting with people after people, going from one place to another and another and another, there's only so much someone like me can take.

Sigh..I miss holding babies.  Thankfully, I got to play with two this week :]

Or maybe I really just miss having access to my giant bottle of Curel lotion when I travel.  Gotta have my moisturizer and if you want to travel light and not check in any luggage, it won't allow for anything bigger than a 3oz. bottle of lotion - which is simply insufficient for this lovely dry skin of mine!

In any case, there is so much to unpack from my adventures - from my mind, that is.  Now that the physical unpacking has completed, the  mental and emotional unpacking has only just begun.

Don't expect anything profound from this post.

I got to hold baby Emma today!  I regret not getting a picture with her.  She's the 1-year-old of our College and Career Fellowship's Advisor, Scott.  I was so excited to see her because I haven't held a little one in so long (more excited to see her than my peers whom I haven't seen/talked to in a while).  I've talked with elementary schoolers and babysat toddlers within the past year or two, but I haven't just held a baby in so long.

It felt so nice.  I miss holding babies.

I didn't get a picture with her, but I snagged some pics from her mom's Facebook.

She's also the one Pam & Libby say looked just like me when I was a baby.  When I get some baby pics of me I'll put some up side by side and you can judge for yourself.

Isn't she SO CUTE?!

Kids are my favorite teachers.

I haven't posted anything in a week. Half of that reason was because I was out a lot this week and didn't have time or was too tired, and the other half of that reason is because I just had too much to say about too many things, and some just didn't seem appropriate for my blog. I can't tell you everything about my life, you know.

There were a lot of things I wanted to write for this blog, but I think this one will help encompass a few significant things.

Pam taught the middle school Sunday school class today, and it was funny because her approach looked very similar to my approach when I was teaching the middlers at Twin Orchards. I taught twice, and wanted to use the beginning of the first one to just get to know the kids - their names, how they behave around each other, how they behave with a teacher, etc. And to let them know that they could trust you.

Me: Did you have them sit in a circle?
Pam: Yup.
Me: Me too! Did you sit in the circle with them?
Pam: Yup!
Me: Me too!

Since my class was a bigger range of ages, I spent my entire first class playing a get to know you game because their attention spans were really short. Pam had an older group, and she took a good approach of bringing in her old yearbooks so that they could get to know who she was and that the kids could identify with her - that she was once in their place. Smart move. I might steal that idea one day.

Pam: I wanted to just talk with them and get to know them before I taught them any kind of lesson.
Me: Me too! I wanted to do that when I taught at Twin. Congratulations, you're the new cool teacher. Doesn't it feel great? I'm so proud of you!

It made me happy because I love being around kids. I could play with them, carry them, talk with them (well, some of them), take care of them, and just observe them sometimes. It's great - I don't even mind the chaos or the crying. Crying kids don't really faze me.

Something I love, though, about hanging out with kids is that they humble me. They ask the hard questions that no one else wants to talk about, and they're often better listeners - they can often pick up on both verbal and body language better than a lot of adults.

They're always in a posture of learning.

Even when they complain about school, or get upset or don't seem to care - they're always learning something. They may not be aware of it, but they are.

And I appreciate and value being in a constant posture of learning in all kinds of relationships - especially in the unexpected, inverted ones: teachers learning from students, rich people learning from the poor, parents learning from their children, etc. I strongly believe we always have much to learn, no matter how much you think you know someone or something.

It's humbling to put yourself in a posture where you are convinced that you can learn something from the people you expect to learn nothing from, or the people you think you know everything about. By doing so you're acknowledging that the other person has something to offer you and that you're willing to open your hand to receive it.

Listening is so much more than just hearing words come out of someone's mouth.

I think it's dangerous for our relationships when we think we know everything about someone. We start getting needy and selfish, saying, "Hey, that person's not making me happy anymore. This person's not doing what they used to do for me all the time." And then when they do something wrong or something that confirms what you assumed would happen, we say, "AHA. You see? You see how that person didn't do this? You see how this person hurt me?"

Pride.

Pride stops the growing process. Pride puts ourselves before the other person. Pride makes us think we have all the answers and that everyone else has nothing better to offer.

It's easier for pride to choke us when we've had a relationship with someone for a long period of time - we assume because we've got the years under our belt, we know each other completely. We think we don't need to learn anymore about them.

But if we're constantly changing because of everything around us - events, decisions, people, speeches, media, and the list could go on - then we're not always the same person we were yesterday, even if it looks like nothing about us has changed at all. Sometimes the habits, actions, and decisions don't change - but the mentality behind them do.

But the only way to know any of this is by taking on this posture of learning.

Kids don't just learn in school. And they don't learn just by being talked at or told what to do. They learn by asking questions, doing things with their own hands and feet, observing what you do or don't do when they cry, yell, or laugh. And they repeat these things in different situations to see what works and what doesn't work because their environment is always changing, always new to them.

But as we get older, things tend to look same old, same old. People's character tends to look the same way to us the way they've always been, and we assume that because it's been that way for so long, there's no room for change. We stop growing. Everything's a routine. It's too inconvenient or uncomfortable to try to change. It's easier to just accept what it is and move on by ourselves.

Can you imagine how different all of our relationships would look if we constantly viewed each person as someone who's constantly changing, constantly having something to offer us? We just might find that what they have to offer is better than what we have to give.

blur.

Pastor Kyle's sermon was a little scattered today - although it may have been because he's still recovering from ear surgery - but he was talking about good questions that I was hungry to learn about. He talked about John 21:15-17, where Jesus asks Peter, "do you love me more than these?"

And some questions that came up were:

• Have you ever loved somebody but you don't feel the emotions?
• So what do you do when you know you love someone but you don't feel like it?
• How do you love Jesus when you don't feel it?
• What would you say if Jesus asks you, "Do you love me?"

When all of these questions came up, I was like, "Yes, yes, yes, what is the answer? I want to know the answer!"
But none came. I mean, Jesus responds to Peter by saying, "Feed my sheep," but what does that even mean???
And as I think about it, and have been thinking about some things that went on this weekend, I have become so overwhelmed with so many questions and feelings that I don't have the answers to. I can't make them go away.
Today I was (unintentionally) hit smack in the face with my inadequacies and weaknesses. And I don't see this as a bad thing - I actually appreciate it because at least it's something direct. It brought me back down to the hardness of the earth. In a lot of ways I think I've been floating. Everything over these past few months has been a blur.
So coming home today after saying goodbye to my family whom I love with agape and phileo love to an empty room made my heart sink and sink quickly.
I hate being a slow processor. I've taken about two hours to try and process all my of my thoughts and even sleep but have made no progress. I need more time.
But now I have five minutes to get myself to the old union to get picked up to babysit some cute little kids. Maybe their simple life would shed some light on this striving blurry one.

and this is why i wouldn't be a good teacher.

Yesterday Lucy invited me over to her house, and her sister Georgia and her nephew, three-year-old Gregory, were staying over for the weekend. When I first met gregory, I was like, "aw, he's so cute!" He's a chatty little fella. But just as a couple of hours went on, I began to see that even though Gregory was cute, he wasn't the best behaved kid. Not that he was a bad one, like hitting people or raving around or anything, but you could tell right away that he wasn't as disciplined as he should've been. Throughout the evening I kept picking up on inconsistencies with his mom and how she was treating him - or as Matt Tuttle would input, "reinforcing" (or lack thereof) his behaviors - and that always annoys me. The same thing happened when one of the secretaries brought her three-year-old son to the office. He was a little more rambunctious and defiant than Gregory, and he was even disrespectful to me, but his mom didn't really handle it in a way that would teach him to be more respectful to me. He didn't even really apologize. For both cases, I totally wanted to step in and be firm and stern with them, discipline them myself, but I had to keep my mouth shut and just watch as this all went on before me, because neither of them are my kids, and neither were not placed under my care. I watched as Gregory threw mini-fits and his mom would give in. I'm surprised at myself at how unfazed I am by tantrums. I'd stand my ground. But when the secretary brought her son to the office and yesterday with Lucy's nephew, the moms were right there. I couldn't tell them how to raise their kids or how to teach them. I'm a 19-year-old, and they're...well, they're older. Who am I to tell them how to discipline their boys?

I really hope I'm not like that when I become a mom. Those kind of discipline inconsistencies annoy me so much. I always pick up on how parents deal with their kids. I think my parents taught me too well. I say that to them all the time.

This is partially why I don't want to be a teacher. I don't know if I could deal with that everyday, with more than one kid. I know I could influence them because as their teacher they'd be under my care, but I think I'd be so overwhelmed that it would be more detrimental than beneficial for both them and me.

Teaching older kids would be worse! I'd be so self-conscious about teaching well but also being likeable AND deal with misbehaved kids that I'd probably explode.

There are other reasons why I don't want to be a teacher, too.

So, mid-july when I had my lazy week and didn't do anything at work and didn't do anything after work (which was terrible, by the way. I hate being idle and lazy), I randomly decided to google a bit about the publishing industry.

Why, you ask?

Well, usually when people ask my what my major is and I answer, "English," they go, "Oh, so you want to be a teacher?" And obviously, I do not. So just so they wouldn't look down on me for having no idea what to do with my life, I'd answer, "Oh, but I'm thinking of going into the publishing industry." Which used to be only a quarter true. It was a very distant possibility.

But googling stuff on it during that week, it totally became 100% true.

Haha this became an uber long post and now I'm sleepy and don't feel like explaining why right now. I guess it'll be saved for another post :P

forget the money, babysitting these kids are priceless.

so my job this summer is babysitting these adorables for several hours for many many days. and oh man, has it been a huge blessing. the kids are samuel (4yrs) & isaiah (20mnths) tsai, who also have an older brother named joshua (7yrs), but i haven't babysat him yet because he's still been in school.

talking with auntie karen tsai, their mom, has been pretty awesome. we've been talking about a lot of different things that really made me admire their family all the more, especially how dedicated to God they are.
and their family is sooo cute! she was sharing with me how she and uncle john met, how they both love singing and how her kids love music. i thought it was cute how she said her kids love to sing but don't like singing in public. samuel (in the picture above) is kind of quirky to strangers. he's really really quiet. his mom told me how during his first time at pre-school his teacher said that he was really quiet and wouldn't say a word, only nodding yes or shaking his head no and saying nothing else to his teacher or anyone else in his class for...drum roll please...SEVEN MONTHS! unbelievable. it took him a while to warm up to them. it took me a day :]

now this one, isaiah, is such a cute one. he's a pretty good baby, too. auntie karen said that he's usually very clingy to her when around strangers, but as soon as i walked into their house, he was fine with me! i guess he and i clicked. he didn't cry or whine or anything at all when i first took him away from his mom to the park. today was my third time babysitting them and he was a bit crabby but he eventually warmed up again. and when his mom left he only cried for like, five minutes. then i carried him around for a bit and he stayed quiet in my arms. i think he likes me :]

and he speaks pretty well for an almost-two-year-old. he can definitely say 'mommy' really well, as well as 'ball' and 'please' (although it sounds more like 'bees'!), and on the first day i babysat them, samuel and i were playing this matching cards game of pictures from the Museum of Modern Art (i know, such a cultured kid :P), and isaiah was putting our cards back into the box every time we put our pairs down for go fish, when i totally thought i heard him say, "MoMa." i'm so serious. and then today, my phone rang while auntie karen was feeding isaiah his lunch (yogurt & oatmeal mixed together. [insert sarcastic "yum" here]), and auntie karen said, "oh, that's your ringtone?" and isaiah shouts, "ringtone!" and starts wiggling and bopping to my ringtone music. sooooo cute!

auntie karen was telling me in the car on the way to my house how predictable isaiah's sleep time is. once you put him on his bed, he'll have his hands all ready to pray (so cute), and then right after they pray, uncle john or auntie karen will usually try to sing to him, but he's so tired so he just rolls onto his stomach, lifts his head up, and waves goodbye. isn't that so adorable?

okay okay i've ranted enough about these awesome kids and their awesome family. here i'll tell you something about today. i babysat from 9-4 and came home and helped pam make dinner and afterwards i helped pam pack at least seven garbage bags into our car, full of STUFF from our closet. and believe me, people. this was a HUGE breakthrough. if you know my mom and if you've seen my house, you know that my mom is a huge pack-rat. and for YEARS she'll keep stuff and claim that she'll get around to cleaning it out and blah blah blah but NEVER does. so pam and i last week got fed up with our messy house and decided to do our own extreme house makeover, especially since some of the navajos will be staying with us in our house. we started with the living room, since for father's day everyone from both sides of our family were going to be there. we tossed everything into my parents' room (because we cleaned up all of our stuff...the mess was all of my mom's stuff) and she pretty much had to go through all the stuff. the living room was so different! and then today, pam took a stab at one of our closets and pulled out EVERYTHING in it and dumped our stuff into our room and mom's stuff into the living room so that the pile was so big that we could not avoid it before going to sleep. want to get a picture of how much stuff my mom keeps? pam didn't take a before picture of the closet, but here, i'll give you an idea. here's just some highlights of what we packed away into the car to give away:

• the stroller that carried all three of us chan girls when we were babies
• my graduation dress...from my kindergarten graduation
• my $5 denim hat that i asked my parents to get for me at a street fair (that actually started my love for hats)...when i was about 11 years old
• the chan girls' yellow booster seat
• my lamb chops playground figurines set
• the orange capri pants that i couldn't fit into anymore in the eighth grade

yeah. i know. just add tons of clothes and other stuff and there you have it: all the contents of one of our closets. and guess what? i thought we had given all of this stuff away like, years ago. it's pretty sad. but today, today was a happy day. my mom is making progress and not getting mad at us for doing this. that's good. she always gets a little ticked off in the beginning but then warms up to it. i take orders from pam like a dog. it's her who took charge, so she definitely deserves all the credit for this extreme makeover. i'm so proud of her and glad she got this going. i was tired of all this mess and looking at other people's houses and saying things like, "i wish my house was as clean as this."

now i can go to sleep smiling :D