blur.

Pastor Kyle's sermon was a little scattered today - although it may have been because he's still recovering from ear surgery - but he was talking about good questions that I was hungry to learn about. He talked about John 21:15-17, where Jesus asks Peter, "do you love me more than these?"

And some questions that came up were:

• Have you ever loved somebody but you don't feel the emotions?
• So what do you do when you know you love someone but you don't feel like it?
• How do you love Jesus when you don't feel it?
• What would you say if Jesus asks you, "Do you love me?"

When all of these questions came up, I was like, "Yes, yes, yes, what is the answer? I want to know the answer!"
But none came. I mean, Jesus responds to Peter by saying, "Feed my sheep," but what does that even mean???
And as I think about it, and have been thinking about some things that went on this weekend, I have become so overwhelmed with so many questions and feelings that I don't have the answers to. I can't make them go away.
Today I was (unintentionally) hit smack in the face with my inadequacies and weaknesses. And I don't see this as a bad thing - I actually appreciate it because at least it's something direct. It brought me back down to the hardness of the earth. In a lot of ways I think I've been floating. Everything over these past few months has been a blur.
So coming home today after saying goodbye to my family whom I love with agape and phileo love to an empty room made my heart sink and sink quickly.
I hate being a slow processor. I've taken about two hours to try and process all my of my thoughts and even sleep but have made no progress. I need more time.
But now I have five minutes to get myself to the old union to get picked up to babysit some cute little kids. Maybe their simple life would shed some light on this striving blurry one.