Waiting for joy to come in the morning.

I never expected my wedding to be the best day of my life or even nearly perfect.  I knew things wouldn't go the way I'd want or planned, and I knew it wasn't necessarily going to be "all downhill from here" unless I let it become so.  But I guess I would at least experience a deep sense of joy in recalling my wedding rather than a reminder of deep hurt and regret.

It really stinks that I'm still burdened by memories of my wedding - and it's sad to think that I can truthfully write that.  After praying about it so much, asking for forgiveness from others and from God and going through some significant spaces of spiritual formation, I thought I had given my regret and guilt over to the Lord for good.  I thought I had accepted the freedom Christ so graciously offers every day so that I'm not having a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts keep drifting around decisions I had made and the things I have learned since then.  I had been doing so well over the past week or two, not having any trouble falling asleep or dreaming dreams that evoke the same old unsettling feelings.  Now I wonder, though, if my travels and work have just been distractions for what I have not yet fully dealt with or if this is just a stark reminder that healing more often than not is a process that takes time.    

It is indeed a blessing, though, that I am enjoying my husband and sharing my life with him and that there are no regrets around the decision to marry him in the first place.  Hopefully, though, with the Lord's strength I will not grow suspicious or doubtful of this blessing but that it would instead be a reminder of God's abundant grace; that He wants to give good gifts to His children and is faithfully beside me in this refining journey of healing.

My wedding planning blues.

"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."

Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.

So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month?  Nada.  Nothing.  Zippo.  I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles.  That's it.

Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning.  Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of.  It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.

At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl.  You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal?  What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"

But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.

First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine.  Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit.  And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.

But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one.  Why?  Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress.  I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details.  Why would I torture myself that way?  It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?

2) The reality of costs and budgets.  I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.

3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead.  I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.

4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed.  And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate.  But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.

But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.

It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married.  It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what?  It can be fun, too."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.

2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget.  The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.

3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice!  The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.

4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies.  It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation.  By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.

So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.

I'm diving in!

Sedimentary thoughts.

I surprised myself today.  Packing my bags and living out of suitcases for three straight weeks is not usually my ideal kind of lifestyle.  The first few days aren't so bad, but after a while I normally get tired of bustling from one place to another and am mentally ready to come home.  

Strangely enough, I didn't feel like a nomad at all.  Even with the hours of traveling by bus, by plane, by car and by foot, I didn't feel aloof or disconnected.  I was neither dreading nor longing to be back in Binghamton or NYC or anywhere else for that matter, and was as present and flexible as I wanted and needed to be.

It was also weird to find that although my external life was constantly "shaken up" (surrounded by different groups people with things happening all the time), I didn't feel agitated or bottled up from not having alone time to reflect or process information and feelings I had been accumulating.

So I caught myself off-guard when my friends dropped me off at my empty apartment today and I suddenly didn't want to be there all by myself.  The silence felt like someone had slammed on the breaks while I had been peacefully sleeping in the passenger seat of a car.  My "fight or flight" mental and emotional alarms were screaming, "Flight! Flight! Flight!" for some reason, and instead of soaking in the quiet I started oozing feelings of loneliness and sadness.

It was extremely tempting to turn on some music, go on Facebook, give Carrie a call, or watch a tv show to distract myself from the fact that I was now all by myself and did not want to sit in stillness around me.  But my "fight" alarms started kicking in and resisted the temptations to give in.  It looks like my brain decided that if I was going to get past this I needed to face the fears and insecurities head-on and linger in the tension between what I know and what I feel.

And it has helped.  Reflecting and thinking about my actions and feelings from these past few weeks is helping me do a lot of things:  recognize areas I need to ask God for forgiveness; identify the ways God has been gracious and merciful to me - which provokes my heart to be filled with gratitude; give praise to the Lord who is with me and shows me how much I am loved; and shed light on new hope for the future.  Processing is making it easier for me to lift these confessions and delights up in prayer.

So as the residue continues to settle, I am confident that my Lord hears me, sees me, and reminds me to focus on the truth of His presence over the lies of my loneliness.

A little voice.

Although Jon Walton gave us Mary Poplin's Finding Calcutta to read and challenged us to read the first chapter, I found myself still compelled to continue reading the book I started reading just before NYCUP: Paul Tokunaga's, Invitation to Lead: Guidance for Emerging Asian American Leaders. I'll share more about this in another post.

Today I stopped by the Jazzman's Cafe like I normally do, sat down, and started continuing where I left off reading earlier that day. But before I could even comprehend the words I just read, I suddenly heard, "It is God's mission."

I sat still for a second, thinking, "Whaaaat?" and I connected it to this feeling of immense pressure that had somehow been building up - either by own sense of insecurities and/or by the insecurities touched upon by those close to me - in regards to my future. I was crying out to God just the day before that I so desperately wanted to hear His voice or somehow be assured of His direction, His calling, or just the next step to give some clue as to where I'm supposed to go next. I knew in my head and in my heart that all I wanted was to obey Him and glorify Him wherever He was leading me. I knew in my head and my heart that even if it was scary or insecure in the world's eyes or seemingly impossible, I wanted to do it if it meant obeying Him.

Just because it feels right doesn't mean it is right, and just because people you trust tell you to do something doesn't mean you should. At the same time, you shouldn't just do things to be defiant or try to prove something.

When I heard "It's God's mission," it felt like this huge burden had been lifted from my chest. My future wasn't about me. It was about God. If I really believed that God was bigger than my worries about my future, then I can have confidence in Him. I trust where He's been leading me and that He's not driving me into a place where He will abandon me, leaving me out to dry. I knew that in my head but didn't really believe it in my heart.

My security rests in Him. Nothing else can stand its ground.

Consider the lilies

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

--Matthew 6:25-34

When I think about graduating or am tempted to worry about my future or where I'm going to be, I think about these verses and find great comfort in them. I am made in the image of God. He knows I'll need food, shelter, water, and a job when I graduate. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But we're told to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. When this is our focus, our other needs will be provided.

Interestingly, the thing I prayed and thought about most during NYCUP was my future. I think in that way I had a particularly different experience at NYCUP from most of my other brothers and sisters did. I thought I'd be praying for God's peace, grace and mercy to help me get through the hard work, or to give me strength and energy for the day, or to help me view the students and community at the Bowery the way God views them so that I may learn to love them as He loves them.

Not saying that I didn't pray for those things. But I remember only praying like a 30-second prayer for those things throughout each day, to a point where those things came naturally. It's not very difficult for me to find joy in hard work or work that I need to deny fulfilling my own wants or needs. Although I was waking up at 5:30 every morning and was running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night, I wasn't exhausted to a point where sleep was all I could think about or that I dreaded waking up in the morning, or couldn't perform the day's tasks well. And surprisingly, learning to see and love people the way God does - the thing I was worried about the most and what almost stopped me from applying to NYCUP in the first place - wasn't very difficult, either. It was my thoughts towards the future that caught me a little off-guard.

I kept praying for my eyes and heart to remain open to what God may reveal to me about my future. Throughout the week I kept asking myself things like, "Can I see myself doing this on an everyday basis?" or "What do my attitudes, heart, and actions from this week say about where God may be leading me?" or "What key personal practices, principles, and lessons do I need to take home with me so that I can continue nurturing them?" and "What and how do all of these things affect my future?"

I've been realizing about myself that in terms of future-oriented things, I like to keep my options open. To declare something set in the future makes me nervous because we don't know what the future may hold. We may think we need to go in one direction while really, something could happen in that time frame where God could totally throw us off and point us in a totally different direction. I think I've seen that over and over and over again so many times that it's hard for me to make decisions about the future when I know I don't have all the information. I think I also tend to set my heart on things (don't we all?) when a decision is made about the future, and I've seen how I either freak out or worry or get disappointed when things go wrong or not the way I had planned.

So I guess my mentality has shifted in such a way as to keep all my options open (unless there is a clear indication that one should be closed), expect the unexpected, always be flexible, and try not to set your heart on something so much to a point where you desire that single thing more than to obey God's will and follow His lead. All of which, along with the addition of my poor sense of discernment, my strengths of empathy & harmony, and my semi-low self-confidence in decision-making, make it that much harder to hear God's voice and calling on my life. Or at least, it's all enough for me to doubt.

So that's what I was praying about mostly during NYCUP. There was no clear-cut, "Here, Tammy, this is the direction I want you to go" from God, but there were a number of observations I've made that I'll hopefully share in a future post. I even began to dream a little :] Thankfully, there is still a peace that I know things will work out as I long for God's wisdom, discernment, truth, and direction in my life in the best way I can glorify Him.

I don't know. I don't know anything. People often say that "young people" think they know everything. But I really recognize that I don't. Please pray with me as I continue to seek His direction and affirmation.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

We prayed this prayer, along with the Lord's Prayer every day during NYCUP. Jon Walton reminded us that everything we do should be covered in prayer because we cannot do anything without God's power. It reminded me of Dickinson's Small Group a few weeks ago when we studied 1 Samuel 8, and in one of the verses it says, "But when they said, "Give us a king to lead us," this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the LORD." And in response to this line I wrote, "Prayer is not usually our first response to things that displease us." And on the top of my paper I wrote, "Prayer should always be our first plan of action." Praying the Lord's Prayer and the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi have been good disicplines, reminding me that everything I do should not run on my own strength or efforts but by God's power and to His own glory.

Prayer should always be our first response to everything, whether it's something that displeases us, something big, something small, something we did or something we did wrong, or anything in between.

Let's pray. Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed by thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.

"Prayer is

rebelling against the status quo."

Home?

I am responsible for what I know.
Hold on to all that God has given me with a loose hand.
Pray big and pray boldly.
Social justice and prayer go hand in hand - they are all about relationships.
Remember. Remember that God has brought you out of the land you once thought you knew. Remember His faithfulness. Remember what He has done.
Home doesn't feel like home, but not in a bad way.
"Change will come as sure as the seasons and twice as quickly."
Always have hope.
Love is waiting.
Submitting can be an expression of love.
Submitting will always be hard.
I am still learning what it means to submit.
Am I holding things too loosely?
What does it mean to be "home"?
Slow down.
I don't want to forget. But I forget things so easily.
I'm comfortable with silence. Are you?
I don't know how you feel. I can't read your face. You can probably read mine. But are you sure you're reading me correctly? Are you sure you know exactly what I'm thinking?
It's hard for me to say something before thinking about it. Too many times I've said things I don't really mean, or in a way I don't really mean to. Too many times I know what I'm thinking but don't know how to say it. Too many times it doesn't come out right.
It's hard keeping track of what I've told someone and what I haven't told someone.
I want to care for my friends and family better. I don't always know how to do that or do that well.
You frustrate me.
I know we can't have all the answers.
We can't always have what we want.
What we want could be good but it may not be best.
More often than not, I don't trust my emotions, but God made us to be emotional people, so I can't just dismiss all of my emotions.
I wonder what people think of me. It's different from high school. In high school I didn't let people see my weaknesses or vulnerability and I blamed it on them. In college, I'm more open to others about where I fall short. I place myself in a more dependent state among the people I serve. I know I can't do everything.
God helps me recognize areas where I am comfortable so that He can stretch me in ways I am not comfortable.
I am not who I was. I thought I knew who I am. But it seems like knowing who I am means I've "arrived." I know I'm not there yet.
It's hard to help you see that.
I am responsible for what I know.
God is crazy. He's pretty ridiculous.
I didn't know I had all of these thoughts swimming around in my head. It's interesting that it's not overwhelming me.
These are only some of the headliners. Can you imagine all the little things I'm thinking about?
I don't know why I'm writing all of this on a blog post. I just felt like I needed to.
I think this Thanksgiving break was more needed than I thought it was going to be.

Prayer is exciting!

My attitude towards approaching prayer used to be very poor. I used to think it was boring, tiresome, and annoying because I wouldn't be able to focus very long. So while I was growing up it wasn't the most exciting thing to look forward to. Even when I got older and I understood it to be more and more important, I'd dread the build up to the prayer meeting until I actually got down and prayed - then I'd wonder why I was dreading it in the first place.

But like seeds that soak in water and sunlight, God has slowing been growing in me this deeper dependence on Him through prayer. He's been working that soil! I don't always look to God in prayer right away all the time, but it's a plant in progress.

Praying creatively, praying big, and praying boldly just make praying so much more exciting and fun. Praying by myself is refreshing, revitalizing, and humbling. And praying with others allows me to experience community, learn from others, and challenge and encourage each other in bowing down before our God.

Here's a video from Urbana 2009 that I pinpoint as a way that God has moved and changed my prayer life forever. It's definitely worth watching more than once.


Pray Big and Pray Bold: Sunder Krishnan from Urbana 09 on Vimeo.
I'm excited to be in the Prayer Track for Expedition - I want to learn more!

Excerpts from my Retreat of Silence at Basileia, Sophomore Year.

God, the sovereign,
ALL KNOWING,
ALL SEEING,
ALL POWERFUL,
loving, gentle, merciful
FATHER of the heaven and earth, what will You tell me and show me during this time? Open my ears and my heart, that I may seek Your voice and Your voice alone.
I feel closest to God when I'm alone. You, God, are with me wherever I go. I forget You most when I'm with others. There is none like You. You never stop tenderly and relentlessly pursuing me.
Gracious Father, You have revealed Yourself to me in so many ways this past year.

Fall Semester '08: You've showed me the kind of impact our ordinary decisions (such as housing) can make. You began to really uproot and detangle how I relate to others in relation to You and how You love the people in my life, whether they're people I've been surrounded by my whole life, people I've just met, people I have an affinity towards, or people I have a hard time being around. One important thing I've been learning is that I cannot force others to change, but I can change my own attitude. God, only You have the power to mold people's hearts, to chip away what needs to be thrown out, and to smooth down the rough edges. I can only be the tool/instrument. And I have been learning about what kind of tool I am and what my purpose, function, and name is in Your bigger picture.

Spring '09: You've been continuing that by testing me and disciplining me in Your gifts, gifts of responsibility that You have entrusted so faithfully to me. And though I feel like I've failed You and have done a poor job and all I've been doing is complaining and whining about the gifts You've blessed me with, I know You still love me despite my weaknesses and flaws.

God, I know You chose me to be the administrator on this year's E-board. I didn't know that this was where You were leading me, but I followed and stepped out of the boat and onto the crashing waves, just like Peter did. And I stumbled out of a fear and looking and focusing on the water rather than You, just like Peter did. But God, you caught him. You saved him again because you loved him, just like You love me. And just like Moses, I often struggle with an identity crisis when it comes to my identity as Your adopted child in the family and body of Christ, as well as my place in the world You so love.

God, this summer, as I spend time "alone" with You, may my heart be open to the things you have been doing and will do to prepare me for next fall. Lead my heart and lead me, so that I may lead Your people. You know the fears I have of being the administrator, of being the praise leader, of coordinating the HTCHs, of my relationships close to me, of my relationships with those I barely know. You know my unknown fears and my known fears. I pray that through these fears and this desert this summer, You would continue to equip me and guide as You shape me to be more like You. It won't be easy. But I am perfect in Your eyes. I am valued and worthy to be called Your own. You are with me always and I desire for You to make my heart, my mind, and my life to look more like You everyday.

Please don't let these words just be words on this paper. Let them sink deep with my very soul so that Your truth would set me free from the sin that once held it captive.

Amen.

Press Secretary of InterVarsity.

I was talking to someone last week about the craziness from the beginning of the semester, and they said, "Well, at least you have this week off. That'll be a nice break, right?"

I laughed. I said, "Yeah, it'll be a nice break. I'll actually get some time to sit down and actually get some work done."

And depending on your definition of work, it varies. But it's true, I did get some tedious & frustrating work done - I re-designed the entire BingIV blog, entered hundreds of emails into the Bing Listserv, searched through those hundreds of emails numerous times to correct the misspelled ones, and learned how to use MailChimp to ease my use of emailing only to find out that my free limit was 500 contacts and I had 506 and was expecting more throughout the semester.

Yup, I major in InterVarsity. But I do it because I know it's important and that makes it more fun for me to do, knowing I can contribute in a way that no one else does. I like to think of myself as the Press Secretary of InterVarsity.

Which makes me think of CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary in The West Wing. I identify with her - and I think even though she looks so cool and collected, she probably sometimes feels lonely, burdened with issues and roles that she both loves and worries about.

I've been listening to some of the songs I've written over the past four years. Most people feel weird participating in their own work in any kind of way - eating their own food, tasting their own baked goods, watching their own movies, reading their own writing, listening to their own music, etc. Strangely enough, I don't (at least, in private...in public I do) because a) I listen to my own recordings to hear things I could improve and b) they mean a lot to me.

And listening to them...I don't know. It makes me think about why I wrote them (if I remember) and how they strangely still apply to me even if I wrote them years ago.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Well, I also had this strange urge to listen to Mandy Moore's "It's Gotta Be Love" from the A Walk to Remember soundtrack, so maybe I'm just in a weird funk and need to pray and wait it out.

Unlimited MetroCard means Unlimited trips, which equals Unlimited possibilities.

I am making good use of my Unlimited Metro Card. It's great.

I also just came back from a very VERY terrible Yankee game. I almost feel like I wasted like 6 hours of my life for that game. On the plus side, we bumped into Kim Chin, Caroline Quan, and David Ng while we were there, so that was pretty awesome. And it was my first time in the new stadium and I really like it a lot. So it wasn't really a waste. It was just extra hard to sit through.

Since when did I become so busy?! I was doing fine, going to work, coming home and having a relatively good balance of doing E-board work, spending time with family, and having fun with friends even though I'm tired and just want to go to bed. And now all of a sudden these past couple of weeks have been crazy - and the next week and a half aren't going to get any less crazy.

This morning during my quiet time I wanted to just sit and pray. I need to pray more. I've been praying as I do things, doing the whole Twitter-style/text message prayers, but I know I need to just sit down and set some down time for prayer. I need to and I want to.