I never expected my wedding to be the best day of my life or even nearly perfect. I knew things wouldn't go the way I'd want or planned, and I knew it wasn't necessarily going to be "all downhill from here" unless I let it become so. But I guess I would at least experience a deep sense of joy in recalling my wedding rather than a reminder of deep hurt and regret.
It really stinks that I'm still burdened by memories of my wedding - and it's sad to think that I can truthfully write that. After praying about it so much, asking for forgiveness from others and from God and going through some significant spaces of spiritual formation, I thought I had given my regret and guilt over to the Lord for good. I thought I had accepted the freedom Christ so graciously offers every day so that I'm not having a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts keep drifting around decisions I had made and the things I have learned since then. I had been doing so well over the past week or two, not having any trouble falling asleep or dreaming dreams that evoke the same old unsettling feelings. Now I wonder, though, if my travels and work have just been distractions for what I have not yet fully dealt with or if this is just a stark reminder that healing more often than not is a process that takes time.
It is indeed a blessing, though, that I am enjoying my husband and sharing my life with him and that there are no regrets around the decision to marry him in the first place. Hopefully, though, with the Lord's strength I will not grow suspicious or doubtful of this blessing but that it would instead be a reminder of God's abundant grace; that He wants to give good gifts to His children and is faithfully beside me in this refining journey of healing.
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