I never expected my wedding to be the best day of my life or even nearly perfect. I knew things wouldn't go the way I'd want or planned, and I knew it wasn't necessarily going to be "all downhill from here" unless I let it become so. But I guess I would at least experience a deep sense of joy in recalling my wedding rather than a reminder of deep hurt and regret.
It really stinks that I'm still burdened by memories of my wedding - and it's sad to think that I can truthfully write that. After praying about it so much, asking for forgiveness from others and from God and going through some significant spaces of spiritual formation, I thought I had given my regret and guilt over to the Lord for good. I thought I had accepted the freedom Christ so graciously offers every day so that I'm not having a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts keep drifting around decisions I had made and the things I have learned since then. I had been doing so well over the past week or two, not having any trouble falling asleep or dreaming dreams that evoke the same old unsettling feelings. Now I wonder, though, if my travels and work have just been distractions for what I have not yet fully dealt with or if this is just a stark reminder that healing more often than not is a process that takes time.
It is indeed a blessing, though, that I am enjoying my husband and sharing my life with him and that there are no regrets around the decision to marry him in the first place. Hopefully, though, with the Lord's strength I will not grow suspicious or doubtful of this blessing but that it would instead be a reminder of God's abundant grace; that He wants to give good gifts to His children and is faithfully beside me in this refining journey of healing.
Showing posts with label Wedding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wedding. Show all posts
Friday, December 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The new Mrs. Bixler.
I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.
It's been a whirlwind of transitions over this past year, and even though it seems like the tornado has finally flung me to the ground, I'm still feeling the dizzying affects from the ride. And I don't think it's the kind that will go away in a few minutes once I get my balance again.
The world keeps spinning and life keeps moving, and the treadmill of time doesn't stop for anyone.
People kept asking me after the ceremony and during the reception what it feels like to be married, and honestly, it feels the same way it feels like when you're celebrating your birthday...not all that different. Well, until you get your driver's permit, or you drink your first alcoholic drink. Or you feel an ache in your back that just doesn't seem to go away. Or maybe you start getting sleepy at 9:40 pm like clockwork every night when you used to stay up until 2 in the morning so easily just a few years ago in college. Sometimes it doesn't really sink in as to how you're getting older until it hits you in those small moments.
It's those ripples that remind you of the evidence that something had dropped into your undisturbed ecosystem of pond life.
Like waking up in the morning only to find you're not alone. Or not really knowing what to do to "get back into the swing of things" because your normal routine didn't have to include a skinny, 6-foot-3, 22-year-old who writes emails, checks nerdy websites and Facebook, reads a bajillion articles and gets five times more things done all before you woke up at 7 or 8 am. Or having to discuss whether you should organize your 25 boxes of books on the shelves by authors' last names or by genre, and if by genre, how many sub-genres you wanted to break it down by because you can no longer sort them by the books you've read and the books you haven't read yet.
Yesterday I told my dad he needed to look out for our marriage certificate because we accidentally sent it there instead of our apartment, and he told me, by the way, that he and my family were going on vacation with my cousins and aunt and uncle for the next few days, so if I needed them and called home, they won't be home.
That ripple was a little stronger than I anticipated. My family was going on our traditional annual vacation and they were going without me. I don't think I would have even known about it until after the fact if I hadn't emailed my dad. Talk about marriage becoming a reality.
Of course, it didn't help that my sister called me out of the blue for a silly favor and sounded like she and my family were having such a grand ol' time in the background. It was a classic tv series moment. I had a bad case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) after that.
Like I said, it's sometimes the small ripples that seem to make the rubber meet the road, not this sudden revelation of reality like someone had clubbed you with a bag of bricks. I'm not bitter or wishing things were different. It's just me coming to grips, that's all.
Marriage so far is just what I sort of anticipated so far - not very glamorous or easy, but a learning process that has its pretty sweet aspects and moments, too. I've been blessed with a good husband and I'm excited about the wonderful story we're writing together simply by being each other's partners and companions and living out our lives as best as we can in following and obeying the Lord.
I may not be in Kansas anymore, but this world is suddenly more colorful, and I'm taking a deep breath as I explore these new hues and shades. And maybe I'll let a grin emerge on my face along the way.
It's been a whirlwind of transitions over this past year, and even though it seems like the tornado has finally flung me to the ground, I'm still feeling the dizzying affects from the ride. And I don't think it's the kind that will go away in a few minutes once I get my balance again.
The world keeps spinning and life keeps moving, and the treadmill of time doesn't stop for anyone.
People kept asking me after the ceremony and during the reception what it feels like to be married, and honestly, it feels the same way it feels like when you're celebrating your birthday...not all that different. Well, until you get your driver's permit, or you drink your first alcoholic drink. Or you feel an ache in your back that just doesn't seem to go away. Or maybe you start getting sleepy at 9:40 pm like clockwork every night when you used to stay up until 2 in the morning so easily just a few years ago in college. Sometimes it doesn't really sink in as to how you're getting older until it hits you in those small moments.
It's those ripples that remind you of the evidence that something had dropped into your undisturbed ecosystem of pond life.
Like waking up in the morning only to find you're not alone. Or not really knowing what to do to "get back into the swing of things" because your normal routine didn't have to include a skinny, 6-foot-3, 22-year-old who writes emails, checks nerdy websites and Facebook, reads a bajillion articles and gets five times more things done all before you woke up at 7 or 8 am. Or having to discuss whether you should organize your 25 boxes of books on the shelves by authors' last names or by genre, and if by genre, how many sub-genres you wanted to break it down by because you can no longer sort them by the books you've read and the books you haven't read yet.
Yesterday I told my dad he needed to look out for our marriage certificate because we accidentally sent it there instead of our apartment, and he told me, by the way, that he and my family were going on vacation with my cousins and aunt and uncle for the next few days, so if I needed them and called home, they won't be home.
That ripple was a little stronger than I anticipated. My family was going on our traditional annual vacation and they were going without me. I don't think I would have even known about it until after the fact if I hadn't emailed my dad. Talk about marriage becoming a reality.
Of course, it didn't help that my sister called me out of the blue for a silly favor and sounded like she and my family were having such a grand ol' time in the background. It was a classic tv series moment. I had a bad case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) after that.
Like I said, it's sometimes the small ripples that seem to make the rubber meet the road, not this sudden revelation of reality like someone had clubbed you with a bag of bricks. I'm not bitter or wishing things were different. It's just me coming to grips, that's all.
Marriage so far is just what I sort of anticipated so far - not very glamorous or easy, but a learning process that has its pretty sweet aspects and moments, too. I've been blessed with a good husband and I'm excited about the wonderful story we're writing together simply by being each other's partners and companions and living out our lives as best as we can in following and obeying the Lord.
I may not be in Kansas anymore, but this world is suddenly more colorful, and I'm taking a deep breath as I explore these new hues and shades. And maybe I'll let a grin emerge on my face along the way.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Must. Stay. Cool. (Physically and emotionally)
One of the many things you may not know about me is that I do not function well in heat and humidity. It's not a pretty sight. I don't mind sweating after some physical activity, but I don't like sweating from simply sitting down in my seat. You'd think since I'm already sweaty, I wouldn't mind moving around because it doesn't make a huge difference. But no, it deters me from doing anything other than sitting still. And it makes me sluggish and tired, which makes me feel lazy and less able to concentrate on whatever work I need to get done. Then at the end of the day I'm sweaty and tired from being unproductive, which then makes me frustrated.
NYC's humidity levels are the almost the only thing I don't like about summertime. It creates an environment that allows lazy inclinations and stubborn frustrations to flourish and thrive. It's terrible for having hard conversations, conducive to anger when things are clearly out of your control, and seems to make missing your fiance about ten times harder to deal with.
As I was writing this, here's an excerpt that came to mind:
"The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers. And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live on bread alone, but man lives on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you. So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full and you shall bless the Lord your God with the good land he has given you."
---Deuteronomy 8:1-10
NYC's humidity levels are the almost the only thing I don't like about summertime. It creates an environment that allows lazy inclinations and stubborn frustrations to flourish and thrive. It's terrible for having hard conversations, conducive to anger when things are clearly out of your control, and seems to make missing your fiance about ten times harder to deal with.
As I was writing this, here's an excerpt that came to mind:
"The whole commandment that I command you today you shall be careful to do, that you may live and multiply, go in and possess the land that the Lord swore to give to your fathers. And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live on bread alone, but man lives on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out on you and your foot did not swell these forty years. Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the Lord your God disciplines you. So you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God by walking in his ways and by fearing him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and honey, a land in which you will eat bread without scarcity, in which you will lack nothing, a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills you can dig copper. And you shall eat and be full and you shall bless the Lord your God with the good land he has given you."
---Deuteronomy 8:1-10
Monday, July 2, 2012
When worlds collide.
One thing I'm not looking forward to about the wedding:
People staring at me. I know it's pretty unavoidable, but honestly, I'm just not looking forward to that aspect of the wedding. Especially when I'm walking down the aisle. I bet it's going to feel like an eternity.
One thing I'm looking forward to about the wedding:
Watching my worlds collide. I saw a glimpse of it at my bridal shower. It was so much fun seeing some of the most important women in my life get together for some playful competition and to share in celebrating this new chapter of my life. I liked that my friends got to see a little bit of what my family is like and my family could see a glimpse of who my friends are.
That's what I've always liked about celebrations that have to focus on me. It's not the attention or hub-bub of craziness or gifts that I enjoy for birthdays, graduations, and etc. It's having an excuse or reason for bringing together people who would not normally interact with each other on any other occasion. I think people from one world have a lot to offer and receive from another world, and I like being a bridge in that gap. Not always, of course. It's not always an easy thing. But I think there are points of intersections where I see a glimpse of God's beauty in community when things like that happen. And it's so cool that God invites us to be a part of it.
And oh boy, I'm anticipating a lot of worlds colliding at the end of this month. Brace yourselves, folks.
Also, for those of you attending all of the wedding shenanigans, be warned: it will not be your normal reception celebration. But I hope you'll feel welcomed and have fun!
People staring at me. I know it's pretty unavoidable, but honestly, I'm just not looking forward to that aspect of the wedding. Especially when I'm walking down the aisle. I bet it's going to feel like an eternity.
One thing I'm looking forward to about the wedding:
Watching my worlds collide. I saw a glimpse of it at my bridal shower. It was so much fun seeing some of the most important women in my life get together for some playful competition and to share in celebrating this new chapter of my life. I liked that my friends got to see a little bit of what my family is like and my family could see a glimpse of who my friends are.
That's what I've always liked about celebrations that have to focus on me. It's not the attention or hub-bub of craziness or gifts that I enjoy for birthdays, graduations, and etc. It's having an excuse or reason for bringing together people who would not normally interact with each other on any other occasion. I think people from one world have a lot to offer and receive from another world, and I like being a bridge in that gap. Not always, of course. It's not always an easy thing. But I think there are points of intersections where I see a glimpse of God's beauty in community when things like that happen. And it's so cool that God invites us to be a part of it.
And oh boy, I'm anticipating a lot of worlds colliding at the end of this month. Brace yourselves, folks.
Also, for those of you attending all of the wedding shenanigans, be warned: it will not be your normal reception celebration. But I hope you'll feel welcomed and have fun!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
My wedding planning blues.
"How's the wedding planning going?"
"Well...it's not."
Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.
So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month? Nada. Nothing. Zippo. I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles. That's it.
Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning. Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of. It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.
At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl. You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal? What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"
But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.
First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine. Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit. And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.
But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:
1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress. I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details. Why would I torture myself that way? It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?
2) The reality of costs and budgets. I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.
3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead. I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.
4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed. And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate. But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.
But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.
It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married. It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what? It can be fun, too."
So here's what I'm thinking:
1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.
2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget. The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.
3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice! The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.
4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies. It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation. By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.
So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.
I'm diving in!
"Well...it's not."
Stick in a "Hi, how are you doing?" before that, repeat about a dozen times, and that summarizes the opening to many of my conversations with people this month.
So what wedding planning do I have to show for this month? Nada. Nothing. Zippo. I maybe gathered some more mailing addresses, rejected or modified or gave the go ahead to some of Michelle's decoration or invitation ideas, and confirmed maybe a couple of people's roles. That's it.
Starting a new position within a new job with a new team starting in a new semester and living a relatively new lifestyle doesn't really leave much emotional or mental space for wedding planning. Thankfully, all the major chunks are being or have been taken care of. It's really just a whole slew of details that haven't been carefully and intentionally patched together.
At first glance as I reflect upon the state of the wedding planning, I think, "Geez, Tammy, I thought you were a details-oriented girl. You know, the whole, 'Hooray for planning events!' and 'All the little things of course can make a huge difference!' ordeal? What in the world happened to that aspect of your personality?"
But when I press in and dig a little deeper, I think I know exactly what's going on.
First of all, I have to say that I'm not one of those girls who has been dreaming and planning my wedding since I was old enough to cut pictures out of a magazine. Yes, I've thought about it and have discussed, based on my observations from other weddings, about what I would or would not do, but I've always been wary of clutching those ideas because I knew my wedding was not going to be all about me - it's about my future fiance and who God made us to be and who He was shaping us to become as one unit. And since growing up I had no idea who that person was going to be, then it didn't seem right to create those kinds of hard and fast plans.
But now, here I am, the time has arrived for me to go full steam ahead with planning details - and I'm stuck pacing at the train station, telling myself I'll simply catch the next train...or the next one. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:
1) I'm very aware that planning details can bring on stress. I already have enough stress in my life without thinking about wedding details. Why would I torture myself that way? It's seems so much easier and less hassle to elope, and if I really believe that the marriage relationship is more important than the wedding day itself, then why should I put so much effort into planning for one single day?
2) The reality of costs and budgets. I'm afraid that once I really start envisioning something and getting excited about what I picture, the financial costs or man-power or time and trouble to make it happen will outweigh the option of chucking the ideas I had quickly grown attached to.
3) I recognize that when I anticipate the possibility that choosing a particular process or path will likely lead to hurt feelings or disappointment, I tend to embrace an apathetic attitude and mentality to prepare myself for the unknown of what is ahead. I'd rather protect my feelings and desires by becoming indifferent than risk disappointment or having to let go of something I care about.
4) Hosting is wonderful - I love it - and as a host you do your best to meet the needs of your guests, making them feel valued and welcomed. And so you think a lot about what they would like or appreciate. But it's also very easy for me to fall into people-pleasing mode: an unhealthy state of denying who I am for the sake of what I believe will make people happy, have a good time, and not hate me.
But as things in life have been slowing down and I'm aware that they will be picking up again very soon, I've been challenging myself to dive into the whirlpool of possibilities and details.
It was becoming particularly evident that I should when I received a pretty big book of wedding planning ideas in the mail from Kenzie's cousin who recently got married. It was a really nice surprise, as well as an encouraging way to say, "Hey, wedding planning can be tough, but guess what? It can be fun, too."
So here's what I'm thinking:
1) The stress is (hopefully) worth going through in order to invite our individual and shared communities to not only witness but actively join us on this journey of marriage.
2) Beautiful, simple and unique wedding ceremonies and receptions can be done on a small budget. The limits of costs can help evaluate how important that detail will be in short-term and long-term, and can be great springboards to coming up with new, creative, and less costly ways to bring out that characteristic in the bigger scheme of things.
3) If I'm trying to love people through this wedding, then having an apathetic mentality is not a choice! The wedding is supposed to reflect who I am, who Nathan is, and how we are growing together, but if I am indifferent and don't care about the decisions being made, then yes, I am protecting myself and my feelings but I am also preventing people from an opportunity to be blessed by the real me that I bring to the table as an individual and as part of a unit.
4) I am a beloved child of God - that is where my identity lies. It will be a temptation to fall into people-pleasing mode, but it will also require conviction from the Holy Spirit and discipline to practice moving away from that temptation. By grounding myself in Scripture and prayer and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of the truth, then I think I'll be well-equipped and headed in a good direction as I dig deeper into planning stuff.
So I'm packing up my things and taking some wedding planning materials with me on my travels for the next week to brainstorm wedding details that will demonstrate my unique identity in Christ and reflect God's unchanging character that is available to us all.
I'm diving in!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
This hymn is following me everywhere.
You know, you pick a hymn to sing at your wedding and all of a sudden it's the hymn you're supposed to read in your prayer book for the week; it's the hymn the speaker mentions in one of her talks and that you sing twice at the women's conference you attend that weekend; and then it's the hymn you sing twice at a students' leaders' conference the weekend after that. It's a little freakish experience, but I do love this hymn:
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
(How come we never sing this third verse? Is it because it makes the song too long?)
Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight;
Be though my dignity, Thou my delight;
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High king of heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be thou my wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
(How come we never sing this third verse? Is it because it makes the song too long?)
Be Thou my battle shield, sword for the fight;
Be though my dignity, Thou my delight;
Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High king of heaven, my treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
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