you say you're persevering. and that's true, love perseveres.
but that's not all 1 corinthians 13 says about love.
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.
love never fails. but where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. for we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. when i was a child, i talked like a child, i thought like a child, i reasoned like a child. when i became a man, i put childish ways behind me. now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. now i know in part; then i shall know fully, even as i am fully known.
and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. but the greatest of these is love.
remember all of that? remember what we memorized together? love is ALL of those things, not just perseverance.
i've been learning what it means to truly love - to give everything i've got for the higher good of another, NO MATTER what the cost is to me. even if i receive NOTHING - no acknowledgement, no recognition, no appreciation, no comment, NOTHING - in return. i refuse to believe that we're supposed to just accept the way people are and stop giving all we've got to them, to let things settle. God does not do that for us. Jesus did not do that while He was here on this earth, and the Holy Spirit does not do that while He lives in our hearts and works through our lives. He is constantly pouring out Himself to us, pouring out His grace, mercy, and most important of all, love. and what do we have to give and offer to Him that comes even remotely close to the things He pours out to us? our few talents? our measely lives? He's the one who GIVES life. we have nothing to offer that would come close to comparison of what He gives us.
i know you think i'm young and you think i'm coming from a mountaintop of passion and happiness, and you say sometimes we have to come down from that mountain and face the valley of reality, but who says we can't bring that passion to the valleys of life? aren't we supposed to? isn't that how we don't let spiritual highs get the best of us? isn't that how we bring life to the valley? otherwise what's the point of passion? our own selfishness? to make us feel good? no! i believe our passion should be bubbling up so much inside of us that it spills over to everyone's lives that cross paths with ours.
i get that you're tired. it's been many, many, years. you've put up with a lot. i know you've tried, and tried, and tried. but that doesn't mean you give up now. i refuse to give up on true love, not in the boyfriend-girlfriend/husband-wife "true love," but the true love Christ exemplified for us. love is my hope in Christ. because Christ loved me first, because He never gave up on me, because i know and believe He wants my highest good no matter what it cost Him, i know i can love others. i may not love the way He does completely now, but i know what His love looks like, and i sure am going to strive to do the same for others.
and it's because of His love for me that i can stand here and still love you, despite your hurtful, hopeless words.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
a jar of river water all shaken up.
i was at saranac village for intervarsity's basileia summer conference and was told that carrie (our IV staff worker) was giving me a book discount for being one of the first seven people to register for basileia. i had already given in and bought a book called, "unceasing worship," and, if you know me, you'd you know i wanted to buy out the whole bookstore. i wanted to read everything. but i knew i couldn't, so what was i to do with my $10 discount? i preened my way through all the books again and again and finally settled on a book called, "living the sabbath." but when i told carrie, she showed me these three other books and said, "that could be a great book, but i'd like it if you could get a book that'll help you think about the concept of spiritual disciplines." so i was like, oh alright.
now if you know me, i have a terrible time picking one good thing from many. three books that looked really good to read? how am i supposed to choose? so i took the three books with me to the fireplace, curled up on one of the wooden chairs that could've swallowed me whole, and started reading a little bit of each book. they all sounded like good reads for me, but it was ruth haley barton's sincerity of thoughts and feelings that seemed to align with mine that caught my attention.
in the midst of the outward busyness of my life there was an inner chaos that was far more disconcerting. it was particularly alarming to realize that even though i had been a Christian for many years, i was struggling with some of the basics of spiritual life. for one thing, i could not seem to consistently love my husband and children, elements of selfishness and self-centeredness were being exposed in the crucible of marriage and parenting and were frightening to acknowledge.
...but the deeper truth was this: even though i had been a Christian for many years i did not know how to love - really. particularly when love was demanding or inconvenient or interfered with my own desires, i did not know how to die to myself in even the smallest way. true transformation in the places that really counted seemed just beyond my reach. i was beginning to wonder whether some of the core promises of the Christian life were true at all.
...as it turned out, my limited capacity to love was just the tip of an iceberg. there were enormous questions right under the surface of my busy life, questions that i could no longer keep quiet. there were questions about identity and calling: was there anything truer about me than the externals of gender-related roles and responsibilities? was there anything more defining than how hard i could work, the level of excellence i could achieve and other people's assessment of that? there were questions about the possibility of true spiritual transformation: what about those stuck places i was just beginning to acknowledge - those places where i could not break free to love? was there any power effective enough to touch those intractable places here and now, or was my best hope for transformation some distant possibility beyond the grave? and there were questions about what was lurking deep in the subterranean levels of the soul: what was motivating the frenetic quality of my life and schedule? why did i find it terribly hard to say no, even when my overcommitment hurt those closest to me? would i come to the end of my life only to mourn poor choices that did not reflect what is most prized?
if i was chewing gum in my mouth, i would've nearly swallowed it as i read those words. barton put into words many of the questions, thoughts, and feelings that had surfaced since coming to college, but bubbled up more visibly in my life at the beginnning of this past school year.
so i bought "invitation to solitude and silence," by ruth haley barton, and i read.
and of course, if you know me, you know i soak up visual metaphors and analogies like sponge. so in the book, barton explains that she began seeing a spiritual director, who described barton this way: she was like a jar of river water all shaken up. if she would just be still and let the sediment settle, the water would become more clear and less murky.
that's what i feel like - a jar of river water all shaken up. i'm shaken up every time the stress plows through my life, and when i don't get the chance to be still, pieces of everything from all areas of life cloud the direction of my life. i think that's why i'm not like katy, who thinks like in time spans of five years. i can't think that far ahead because i know that what happens today and within the next few months will affect and change what happens years from now, so that's what we should be concentrating on. i need to sort things today and tomorrow and next week and next month before i can think beyond that.
but it gets frustrating because it seems like when things finally start to become clear, my jar just seems to get shaken up all over and maybe even turned upside down.
but these past two weeks of going to basileia and participating in work crew have shaken me up in a way that i haven't gone completely beserk. somehow through the chaos of floating sediment, God has pierced through me and caused me to be still. i have been learning to hear His voice through the noise from external circumstances and my own internal being as well.
karen's right. work crew can't be summed up at all. neither can basileia.
now if you know me, i have a terrible time picking one good thing from many. three books that looked really good to read? how am i supposed to choose? so i took the three books with me to the fireplace, curled up on one of the wooden chairs that could've swallowed me whole, and started reading a little bit of each book. they all sounded like good reads for me, but it was ruth haley barton's sincerity of thoughts and feelings that seemed to align with mine that caught my attention.
in the midst of the outward busyness of my life there was an inner chaos that was far more disconcerting. it was particularly alarming to realize that even though i had been a Christian for many years, i was struggling with some of the basics of spiritual life. for one thing, i could not seem to consistently love my husband and children, elements of selfishness and self-centeredness were being exposed in the crucible of marriage and parenting and were frightening to acknowledge.
...but the deeper truth was this: even though i had been a Christian for many years i did not know how to love - really. particularly when love was demanding or inconvenient or interfered with my own desires, i did not know how to die to myself in even the smallest way. true transformation in the places that really counted seemed just beyond my reach. i was beginning to wonder whether some of the core promises of the Christian life were true at all.
...as it turned out, my limited capacity to love was just the tip of an iceberg. there were enormous questions right under the surface of my busy life, questions that i could no longer keep quiet. there were questions about identity and calling: was there anything truer about me than the externals of gender-related roles and responsibilities? was there anything more defining than how hard i could work, the level of excellence i could achieve and other people's assessment of that? there were questions about the possibility of true spiritual transformation: what about those stuck places i was just beginning to acknowledge - those places where i could not break free to love? was there any power effective enough to touch those intractable places here and now, or was my best hope for transformation some distant possibility beyond the grave? and there were questions about what was lurking deep in the subterranean levels of the soul: what was motivating the frenetic quality of my life and schedule? why did i find it terribly hard to say no, even when my overcommitment hurt those closest to me? would i come to the end of my life only to mourn poor choices that did not reflect what is most prized?
if i was chewing gum in my mouth, i would've nearly swallowed it as i read those words. barton put into words many of the questions, thoughts, and feelings that had surfaced since coming to college, but bubbled up more visibly in my life at the beginnning of this past school year.
so i bought "invitation to solitude and silence," by ruth haley barton, and i read.
and of course, if you know me, you know i soak up visual metaphors and analogies like sponge. so in the book, barton explains that she began seeing a spiritual director, who described barton this way: she was like a jar of river water all shaken up. if she would just be still and let the sediment settle, the water would become more clear and less murky.
that's what i feel like - a jar of river water all shaken up. i'm shaken up every time the stress plows through my life, and when i don't get the chance to be still, pieces of everything from all areas of life cloud the direction of my life. i think that's why i'm not like katy, who thinks like in time spans of five years. i can't think that far ahead because i know that what happens today and within the next few months will affect and change what happens years from now, so that's what we should be concentrating on. i need to sort things today and tomorrow and next week and next month before i can think beyond that.
but it gets frustrating because it seems like when things finally start to become clear, my jar just seems to get shaken up all over and maybe even turned upside down.
but these past two weeks of going to basileia and participating in work crew have shaken me up in a way that i haven't gone completely beserk. somehow through the chaos of floating sediment, God has pierced through me and caused me to be still. i have been learning to hear His voice through the noise from external circumstances and my own internal being as well.
karen's right. work crew can't be summed up at all. neither can basileia.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
re: packing...or lack thereof.
i've been watching michelle pack these last few days.
i've been watching students carry stuff to the parking lots to stuff their cars.
i've been listening to people tell me that they're finished with finals.
i've been listening to people distract themselves from whatever finals they have left.
i've had no desire to pack up my stuff.
nor have i had the desire to study for one of the hardest finals i'm going to have to take.
maybe i'm in denial.
maybe this huge change in just one week has caught me by surprise and moved too fast for me to catch up.
maybe i'm just lazy.
i can't find my ipod. i should be panicking.
i'm gonna go try to start packing now.
i've been watching students carry stuff to the parking lots to stuff their cars.
i've been listening to people tell me that they're finished with finals.
i've been listening to people distract themselves from whatever finals they have left.
i've had no desire to pack up my stuff.
nor have i had the desire to study for one of the hardest finals i'm going to have to take.
maybe i'm in denial.
maybe this huge change in just one week has caught me by surprise and moved too fast for me to catch up.
maybe i'm just lazy.
i can't find my ipod. i should be panicking.
i'm gonna go try to start packing now.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
for real.
get to know the real God for real.
be real if you know the real God.
i've been reminded recently of how i need to make sure the God i talk about and share with others is the God i'm living for and the God that i'm learning more about everyday and the God that i'm learning to fall in love with.
if i believe that reading the Word is as important as eating food, then i need to read it.
if i believe that reading His Word gives guidance and truth and that we need to obey it, then i need to not only read it but live out what i believe.
how can i stand here with You and not be moved You?
if i truly want to know this God i believe in, if i truly want to learn what He wants from me everyday, if i want to be bold in speaking truth, then i have to know the truth, and i have to pursue Him wholeheartedly and fully.
i need to read His Word purposefully. i need to be genuine in my prayers, don't try to fake things, don't try to check "prayer" off of my imaginary list of things to do. either i mean it or i don't, and God's going to know the difference.
i'm glad marion came to visit from cornell. i know it was good for her, but i don't know if she knows this but it was good for me too. she speaks more wisdom and sense than she thinks she does.
on another note, it seems as though God may be telling me to stay in binghamton for the summer. this idea of assisting carrie with administrative stuff that has been mulling around for a while without intention has finally re-surfaced with action. a bunch of babysitting jobs came up suddenly yesterday, and i found a possible housing situation that comes with a job i already know how to do. everything seems flexible, everything seems up in the air. but if everything works out, it seems possibly too good to be true.
which worries me a little. but only a little.
because i know everything may "fall into place," but even so it'll be scary and a new experience. i'd pretty much need to take care of myself and be a little "on my own" if i stay here. i won't be in the comforts of home, with my best friends nearby and everyone taking care of me.
it'll be hard. a lot harder for me than people think.
it's also hard telling everyone back home that this is probably what my summer's going to look like.
be real if you know the real God.
i've been reminded recently of how i need to make sure the God i talk about and share with others is the God i'm living for and the God that i'm learning more about everyday and the God that i'm learning to fall in love with.
if i believe that reading the Word is as important as eating food, then i need to read it.
if i believe that reading His Word gives guidance and truth and that we need to obey it, then i need to not only read it but live out what i believe.
how can i stand here with You and not be moved You?
if i truly want to know this God i believe in, if i truly want to learn what He wants from me everyday, if i want to be bold in speaking truth, then i have to know the truth, and i have to pursue Him wholeheartedly and fully.
i need to read His Word purposefully. i need to be genuine in my prayers, don't try to fake things, don't try to check "prayer" off of my imaginary list of things to do. either i mean it or i don't, and God's going to know the difference.
i'm glad marion came to visit from cornell. i know it was good for her, but i don't know if she knows this but it was good for me too. she speaks more wisdom and sense than she thinks she does.
on another note, it seems as though God may be telling me to stay in binghamton for the summer. this idea of assisting carrie with administrative stuff that has been mulling around for a while without intention has finally re-surfaced with action. a bunch of babysitting jobs came up suddenly yesterday, and i found a possible housing situation that comes with a job i already know how to do. everything seems flexible, everything seems up in the air. but if everything works out, it seems possibly too good to be true.
which worries me a little. but only a little.
because i know everything may "fall into place," but even so it'll be scary and a new experience. i'd pretty much need to take care of myself and be a little "on my own" if i stay here. i won't be in the comforts of home, with my best friends nearby and everyone taking care of me.
it'll be hard. a lot harder for me than people think.
it's also hard telling everyone back home that this is probably what my summer's going to look like.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
i'm not a trekki. honest.
my family is the explanation of why i know what things like "deep space nine," "borgs," and "shape-shifters" are.
here, i'll show you.
here's an email i got from my awesome uncle today:
Dex to Fay, Howard, Pamela, Samantha, me, Daniel, Diane, Kenzie
date Thu, May 7, 2009 at 2:58 PM
subject: Seeing * Star Trek * on Friday!
Please distribute to any other interested parties. We, the Yee's, are planning to attend this movie tomorrow for the 7:30pm showing.
Please raise your mouse hand if you are going to come along!
Get there early to buy tickets.
Leave your phasers and tribbles at home. They will confiscate any outside Romulan ale you try to beam in.
If you are coming with us, then Warp Speed, otherwise, live long, and prosper.
-- Regards, Dex
hahahahaha. i love my family :]
here, i'll show you.
here's an email i got from my awesome uncle today:
Dex to Fay, Howard, Pamela, Samantha, me, Daniel, Diane, Kenzie
date Thu, May 7, 2009 at 2:58 PM
subject: Seeing * Star Trek * on Friday!
Please distribute to any other interested parties. We, the Yee's, are planning to attend this movie tomorrow for the 7:30pm showing.
Please raise your mouse hand if you are going to come along!
Get there early to buy tickets.
Leave your phasers and tribbles at home. They will confiscate any outside Romulan ale you try to beam in.
If you are coming with us, then Warp Speed, otherwise, live long, and prosper.
-- Regards, Dex
hahahahaha. i love my family :]
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
finding strength
apparently, this is my top strength from clifton's strengthsfinder:
Empathy
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Chances are good that you bring a keen awareness about human behavior to the classroom, laboratory, seminar, playing field, or tutoring session. You spontaneously tune in to what individuals are thinking and feeling minute by minute. These insights are likely to make you a better educator. It’s very likely that you yearn to be thought of affectionately by most people. This explains why you search for ways to fill the lives of others with joy. Because of your strengths, you may feel honored when someone entrusts his/her innermost thoughts or feelings to you. Sometimes the person needs to initiate the conversation, however. Perhaps you are reluctant to bring up certain topics or raise specific questions. You might worry about leaving the impression that you are prying or being nosy — that is, being unduly interested in the private affairs of the individual. By nature, you are keenly aware of people’s feelings, needs, and thoughts. You can interpret what someone is saying as well as what the person is not saying. You naturally translate the meaning of nonverbal cues, such as smiles, frowns, raised eyebrows, crossed arms, or handshakes. Driven by your talents, you take time to discover someone’s likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, or idiosyncrasies. You usually gain a great deal of satisfaction from making a person feel worthwhile and valuable.
huh. interesting.
i was surprised this was the top of my five or that it was even here at all.
other from top 5:
harmony
developer
responsibility
connectedness
those are actually pretty interesting, too when you read the what makes you stand out? part of it.
maybe i'll post them up later :]
Empathy
Shared Theme Description
People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.
Your Personalized Strengths Insights
What makes you stand out?
Chances are good that you bring a keen awareness about human behavior to the classroom, laboratory, seminar, playing field, or tutoring session. You spontaneously tune in to what individuals are thinking and feeling minute by minute. These insights are likely to make you a better educator. It’s very likely that you yearn to be thought of affectionately by most people. This explains why you search for ways to fill the lives of others with joy. Because of your strengths, you may feel honored when someone entrusts his/her innermost thoughts or feelings to you. Sometimes the person needs to initiate the conversation, however. Perhaps you are reluctant to bring up certain topics or raise specific questions. You might worry about leaving the impression that you are prying or being nosy — that is, being unduly interested in the private affairs of the individual. By nature, you are keenly aware of people’s feelings, needs, and thoughts. You can interpret what someone is saying as well as what the person is not saying. You naturally translate the meaning of nonverbal cues, such as smiles, frowns, raised eyebrows, crossed arms, or handshakes. Driven by your talents, you take time to discover someone’s likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, or idiosyncrasies. You usually gain a great deal of satisfaction from making a person feel worthwhile and valuable.
huh. interesting.
i was surprised this was the top of my five or that it was even here at all.
other from top 5:
harmony
developer
responsibility
connectedness
those are actually pretty interesting, too when you read the what makes you stand out? part of it.
maybe i'll post them up later :]
Saturday, May 2, 2009
remember me? the introvert?
it freaks me out if i don't get some time to spend by myself.
in fact, i think it's detrimental to those around me and i'm sorry. i know it's got to stop.
last week i went crazy because i didn't deal with the amount of things i had to do appropriately, and all my time that i spend at night unwinding was spent otherwise because of unplanned events. as a result, most of the built up, pent up energy was stored like a balloon and leaked out in little holes that were penetrated.
instead of retaliating kindness i retaliated selfishness.
it looked a lot like complaining and whining, and harbored bitterness.
i was feeling disregarded (not unappreciated) for the kind of effort i put into my work. i wanted respect, not recognition, for the things i was doing. i couldn't move forward because of lack of cooperation from others. i was frustrated because i felt like i was repeating high school history with my experiences this semester, even though i had told myself after high school that i wouldn't want to fall into this trap again. i wanted things to be perfect. i wanted to get things done early so they wouldn't bog me down later. i wanted to do well in school this semester. i wanted things to go just the way i had planned. i wanted people to understand the decisions i had to make.
let's play a game: can you count how many "i's" there are in the paragraph stated above?
answer: too many.
selfishness overtook my heart and i let it.last week i went crazy because i didn't deal with the amount of things i had to do appropriately, and all my time that i spend at night unwinding was spent otherwise because of unplanned events. as a result, most of the built up, pent up energy was stored like a balloon and leaked out in little holes that were penetrated.
instead of retaliating kindness i retaliated selfishness.
it looked a lot like complaining and whining, and harbored bitterness.
i was feeling disregarded (not unappreciated) for the kind of effort i put into my work. i wanted respect, not recognition, for the things i was doing. i couldn't move forward because of lack of cooperation from others. i was frustrated because i felt like i was repeating high school history with my experiences this semester, even though i had told myself after high school that i wouldn't want to fall into this trap again. i wanted things to be perfect. i wanted to get things done early so they wouldn't bog me down later. i wanted to do well in school this semester. i wanted things to go just the way i had planned. i wanted people to understand the decisions i had to make.
let's play a game: can you count how many "i's" there are in the paragraph stated above?
answer: too many.
i hope you'll all forgive me.
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