a conversation with myself.

i was just thinking about how sad it was that i started or wanted to start so many blog posts but never really had the time to finish them and publish them.

i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately...as i always do.

like how awesome it was to bake cookies to put in my stitch cookie jar! i hadn't baked or have anything in my cookie jar for a long time. i was so glad to bake a huge bunch of snickerdoodles last week and then come back to room to find people to feed the fresh-baked cookies to! joe, brendon, nathaniel, tony, and gary (although he stayed mostly next door), had come over randomly to visit. we had an good time just chilling while i worked on my project that was due the next day :P

i've also been thinking about how much stuff i have to remember. like, how does God expect us to do so much? we have to remember to pray faithfully and fervently, have a worshipful attitude in all that we do, work hard but not too much and keep a Sabbath day holy, forgive those who hurt us no matter how many times they do, share the gospel with everyone, don't keep God separate from every aspect of our life, be grateful for all that we have both good and bad, read the Bible, be kind, be gentle, be obedient...it's so much!
so when i'm in these sort of situations i pretend to be myself talking to myself and think, 'if i were telling this to me, what would i say?'

so here's how it'd probably go:
you (me): how are we supposed to obey and do all of these things God expects us to do all the time?
me: i know it seems hard, but hey, but that's why we need to constantly depend on God. He can give us the power to do those things - we just have to be willing to take it.
you: well, it still feels impossible. i mean, i understand that we'll have times where we'll be doing great with God, obeying Him, listening to Him and everything, but there are just parts of my nature or circumstances that seem to mess me up, throw me off.
me: i think that's why we constantly need God's mercy and grace and faithfulness everyday. He's constantly shaping us. you're always changing because of the choices you're given and the decisions you make. what those decisions look like are up to you. we're always given a choice. we're always given a choice. and sometimes you may have the heart to make the right choice, but it's definitely one step at a time. that's why the Christian life is compared to the perseverance and endurance of a long race. that's why we need to encourage and support each other. that's why we need to continue practicing disciplines. because it's hard. God never said that following Him would be easy. it's hard work every single day. but a lot of the things we know we need to "do" are things that we need to constantly practice and when we do, it'll start to come more easily. they'll become fruits of our labor. they'll start becoming our nature. so if you sincerely have the heart, the desire, the willingness to be who God wants you to be, then you'll keep going and keep working through all the rough stuff and difficulties to be carefully shaped.

wow, i should talk to myself more often.

okay i will write more another time. sorry this post was so blah.

stupid introvertedness

i think being a very self-aware introvert can sometimes be a curse.

i don't have time to be introverted! i don't have time to reflect on my feelings, my actions, my motives, but sometimes i just won't be able to concentrate or focus on things i need to get done until i sort through what i'm feeling and why i act the way i do.

it goes back to my whole cleanliness ritual. i can let things get messy for a little bit, but i don't want to keep piling on the mess, so i try to clean it up and organize things so when the next inevitable mess arrives, it won't grow so mcuh to overwhelm me or else i'll start going crazy and possibly shut down.

recharging or reflecting after being around a lot of people is like cleaning up my room. i can't just leave it there or else it'll keep piling up. so right now i'm wasting time, writing this blog when there's a million things i should be doing right now, one of which is sleep because i am so tired but cannot go to sleep because i am wasting my time by blogging here which prevents me from doing the other work i need to do.

coffee spontaneity

i think i bought coffee spontaneously in honor of michelle's birthday today - a caramel latte from the union. it was yummy! and then i was in my room drinking it and some of it splattered a bit on the papers i was reading so it made these small coffee stains and i said to myself, "cool! i never thought i'd ever make coffee stains on paper before. i feel so sophisticated." lOlz what a loser :P
haha small things like that amuse me and make me happy.

i realize i've neglected my love of reading.
my academics have been only alright since coming to college. after every semester so far i've been like, "oh man i could do so much better," but then when the new semester starts i start off strong and eventually let it get the best of me.

i'm tired of me doing that.
i'm tired of me having a lot of habits that i always say i want to change but don't actually do.
it's partially why i'm particularly stressed sometimes but don't really realize it. there's so many things changing all at once. like, i want to change my eating/heath habits. i want to make friends outside of IV and learn to love and care about them just as much as i care and love my IV friends. i want to do my best in school. i want to talk to and show my friends back home that i care about them and love them and miss them. i want to learn to invest in others. i want to learn to not depend on myself so much.
but i know i can't do it all. but i've been trying to do it all and i feel like i fail because i can't do it all.

you there! wutchu readin' ma blog for?

i was looking through some people's blogs on the sidebar of this blog. not too many people update anymore. it's kind of makes me sad. i love reading other people's blogs, not primarily for entertainment, but just getting a glimpse of another person's life and a glimpse of what goes on in their head is fascinating for me. it's a story...a true-life story that adds a chapter every time the person blogs.

it makes me wonder who actually reads my blog. i know some people who have blogs who read this blog, but i know there are other people (known and unknown) that don't have blogs that may read this. it makes me curious as to who actually reads this.

but at the same time, i like blogging because my response to when others blog and what others blog about is a response i hope other people receive from mine. i started this blog not only to share my thoughts and feelings to entertain.

i blog because i have a story to tell. that is why i write. i've been struggling with my writing for several years now because i get self-conscious about and fear finishing a novel and submitting it for publication, knowing full well that it will probably be rejected a million times over before getting published somewhere by someone. i have a story to tell and i want to share that story with all of you. i blog here to help me practice telling everyone my story in a way that is engaging and honest, which is what i'll be doing when i write a novel (well, not necessarily honest because it'll be fiction, but sincerely).

i'm trying to learn to write for me and for God, and anyone else who gets on board will get on board, and anyone else who doesn't, won't.

so maybe it's a good thing i don't know who exactly is reading my blog or when they're reading it. that way you know i'm not catering to certain people's interests, trying to blog about something to entertain others. i'm being honest and sincere about my thoughts here. it's why i don't really care about the comments. if you have a comment, you comment. if you don't, you don't. that's the way the reading world works out there - the author's not going to know everyone who reads their book.

i'm here to tell a story. my story.

and one day, i'll publish a novel to tell someone else's story.

cleaning/organizing

i spontaneously organized and cleaned a bit of my stuff in my room today. it gives me such a great satisfaction when i clean and organize my stuff because it gives me a feeling almost as if i'm cleaning and organizing my messy life/mind. it's like, hey, i don't have much control over the mess in my life or my mind, but i do have control over the mess of my stuff. might as well take care of the easy stuff to fix since i'm also the one who caused the mess in the first place. with life, there's only oh so much mess you can fix.

i like keeping track of things, knowing where things are and where they're supposed to be. and it bothers me when there's potential for something to get unorganized, or when i want to categorize something with such detail that i can't put it anywhere because then it's just a waste of space. for example, there is a pile of menus, letters, and other small papers that have potential to be important, but i don't know how to organize them. there is also a bunch of recipes i'd like to put in a recipe box, but since i had to leave my recipe box at home for lack of space on the ride up, they're sitting loosely on my desk and in my desk drawer and that bothers me.

it makes me wonder why people choose me for jobs that involve keeping track of numbers. yes, i like to organize things, but not necessarily crunching numbers. to me it's an opportunity for me to fail because i'm not very sharp when it comes to crunching numbers and i know you have to have to be sharp or else mistakes will be made. one number could change everything. that's why i was a bit terrified when they chose me to be the logistics officer in our JROTC battalion. crunching those numbers to keep track of our exact inventory of supplies was daunting.

just like the treasury side of being administrator...it's a bit daunting for me. crunching numbers = scary. but when i get it right...ohhh man it makes me so happy. for example, this past friday, when we all went bowling and i had to figure out how much we actually owed the bowling alley people, that was scary. but getting help from brendon and a little bit from meir and thomas double checking my math, got me smooth sailing. the cashier asked for the exact amount i had calculated :]

i know i've always said i hated stuff that wasn't black and white and could be debated and all that. it's why i don't like politics or conflict or stuff like that. but at the same time, where there is only a wrong or right answer, i hate that too, because i don't like being wrong...not in a "hey i don't like to be wrong because i like being right and proving that i'm right" or whatever, but more like i don't like being wrong because it means i've messed up.

and i hate messing up.

i think that's why i tend to be really hard on myself when i do, and it's hard for me to forgive myself or accept that God forgives me when i mess up or whatever because i hate messing up.

but i don't know which bothers me more: messing up or not having much control over cleaning up my mess.

either way, those are things i oftentimes need to deal with and lay down before God.

yo, it's only been the first week of school?

that's crazy! i can't believe i've only been in school a week. it not only flew by fast, but there's been such an overwhelming amount of things to think about and do.

but thanks be to God, i haven't completely stressed out.

in fact, i think at the beginning of the week i overreacted to how much stuff i actually have to do. and God has provided me plenty of "alone" time where i could recharge and gather my thoughts. so as the week went on, the way i dealt with things that came at me were better than the way i dealt with things at the beginning of the week. and on top of that i went further and did things that were beyond my comfort zone and beyond my normal character.

i've actually been working on that for a while now. God's been revealing a lot of my true character to myself and how much i need to really really work on shaping it and making it to be more of the person God wants me to be. so i've been trying to change my mentality about certain things and certain people, and because of that my actions have been changing.

i sometimes tell katy about some of those things and one time she said, "tammy, i think if you're telling me all these things that you do out of character, i think it means your character is changing."

i think she's right.