cleaning/organizing

i spontaneously organized and cleaned a bit of my stuff in my room today. it gives me such a great satisfaction when i clean and organize my stuff because it gives me a feeling almost as if i'm cleaning and organizing my messy life/mind. it's like, hey, i don't have much control over the mess in my life or my mind, but i do have control over the mess of my stuff. might as well take care of the easy stuff to fix since i'm also the one who caused the mess in the first place. with life, there's only oh so much mess you can fix.

i like keeping track of things, knowing where things are and where they're supposed to be. and it bothers me when there's potential for something to get unorganized, or when i want to categorize something with such detail that i can't put it anywhere because then it's just a waste of space. for example, there is a pile of menus, letters, and other small papers that have potential to be important, but i don't know how to organize them. there is also a bunch of recipes i'd like to put in a recipe box, but since i had to leave my recipe box at home for lack of space on the ride up, they're sitting loosely on my desk and in my desk drawer and that bothers me.

it makes me wonder why people choose me for jobs that involve keeping track of numbers. yes, i like to organize things, but not necessarily crunching numbers. to me it's an opportunity for me to fail because i'm not very sharp when it comes to crunching numbers and i know you have to have to be sharp or else mistakes will be made. one number could change everything. that's why i was a bit terrified when they chose me to be the logistics officer in our JROTC battalion. crunching those numbers to keep track of our exact inventory of supplies was daunting.

just like the treasury side of being administrator...it's a bit daunting for me. crunching numbers = scary. but when i get it right...ohhh man it makes me so happy. for example, this past friday, when we all went bowling and i had to figure out how much we actually owed the bowling alley people, that was scary. but getting help from brendon and a little bit from meir and thomas double checking my math, got me smooth sailing. the cashier asked for the exact amount i had calculated :]

i know i've always said i hated stuff that wasn't black and white and could be debated and all that. it's why i don't like politics or conflict or stuff like that. but at the same time, where there is only a wrong or right answer, i hate that too, because i don't like being wrong...not in a "hey i don't like to be wrong because i like being right and proving that i'm right" or whatever, but more like i don't like being wrong because it means i've messed up.

and i hate messing up.

i think that's why i tend to be really hard on myself when i do, and it's hard for me to forgive myself or accept that God forgives me when i mess up or whatever because i hate messing up.

but i don't know which bothers me more: messing up or not having much control over cleaning up my mess.

either way, those are things i oftentimes need to deal with and lay down before God.