something's wrong with me.
this whole beginning of a semester has been weird. i can't tell if time is moving fast or slow. it's amazing how much things could change in over a winter break. i don't even know how things have changed. i can't put my finger on it. it's like it's a fog and i'm trying to grasp it. it's a harder trouble than senior year because i knew what the problem was, so i knew how to deal with it. but now...i don't know what it is.
i don't know why i overslept for praise team practice two weeks ago. i don't know why i had an off-week this past week. it seemed bad but i don't know why it was. i don't know why all the little things on friday piled up and exploded in my face that night. i don't know why i got so little sleep. i don't know why i burst into tears and found myself having no where to go. i don't know why i've skipped some meals here and there. i don't know why i haven't been hungry much. i don't know why last thursday i meant to nap for half-an-hour and ended up waking up two or three hours later only because pam lee texted me. i don't know why i feel sad that it's snowing outside when i love the snow. i don't know why i woke up exactly @ 8:42 last sunday AND this past sunday when i had planned to go to sunday school both weeks. i don't know why i woke up at 8:40 this morning, therefore missing my first class ever.
there's no issues. there's no problems. i don't feel stressed. i don't feel far from God. i don't feel forgotten or unloved. i don't feel lonely or misused or neglected. i don't feel sad. i don't feel exhausted. i don't have any drama. i dwell on the good things. and things are good for the most part.
but they're not. and i don't know why.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i thought my weird weeks were over when i had a nice relaxing saturday and sunday, sleeping in until my body woke me up on saturday, and not doing any work.
i hate worrying people.
but i'm worrying other people AND myself, and that's just 100x worse.
and i don't know how to fix it. i don't know what to change. i must be doing something wrong.
i don't know what to do.
3 comments:
hey kiddo...
maybe you ARE doing the right things...and maybe things are suppose to be like this. but i did realize that you seem a little bit out of it, and i dont think you're alone. i've been feeling the same way here and there as well...that was why i was gona come visit you yesterday and see if you were ok...but yeah, also, missing meals isn't a good thing...make sure you take care of your body!! and SNOW IS AWESOME!!!
sometimes, even when we do things right, things go wrong. hope you're doing ok!
if it makes you feel any better, i slept in for my first class last semester. and i've skipped a bunch of times since then...if it makes you feel any better, i decided not to set my alarm for my wednesday night nap, thinking i'd wake up in an hour or two, and then i woke up and it was 10:36...five hours later. if it makes you feel any better, i skip meals all the time (actually, that might worry you, but don't!)...if it makes you feel any better, i <3 you!
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