The search for Mrs. B.

A few weeks ago I was asked some questions about myself.  They were supposedly simple things:  list your favorite hobbies and interests, some of your favorite drinks and snacks, personality type, etc.  On the surface they were no-brainers.

But after I wrote my typical answers, I started thinking about how automatically I had written them and how, if I really thought about it, I haven't really done or had nearly half of the things in a long time what I wrote on that survey.  Bake?  I've baked once since moving to Rochester, and who knows the last time I baked before that.  Gilmore Girls?  The second season has been in my possession for the past year or two, and I'm beginning to wonder if I wouldn't really miss it if I gave it back to my sister.  I only really sing when we're supposed to in church (if even then), and I think I've played with my guitar and sang for fun about as many times as I've baked since moving to Rochester.  I get sad when I find opportunities like open mics and contests to enter in the Rochester area because I'd sign up in a heartbeat if I hadn't been on this accidental hiatus and wasn't so afraid of embarrassing myself for performing when I haven't practiced.

It seems as though I've fallen back into this weird in-flux season in my life.  It's the season I guess most of my generation continues to sift and swing back and forth through:  the search for who I am.  It can a be a little frustrating to admit that that's where I am, considering I thought I knew who I was and now I have to learn about myself again and can't just declare truths about myself when they very well could have changed over these past couple of years.  At the same time it makes sense, considering how I've been out of my parents' house for a number of years and have been out of college for a couple of years as well.  Oh, and you know, how I've gotten married and such.  That always changes people (or should, at least).

Ever since I've begun to realize that this is the stage of life I have returned to (or maybe I've never left?), I've already begun to accept it and embrace it.  It's brought new life to new dreams and ideas, and the process of just thinking about possibilities is exciting.

Of course, I love lists, but the problem with writing them out is that I have so many ideas that the organization of those ideas would be very difficult.  So I've started a word document for all of my personal life ideas, to give ample space for saving and organizing my word vomit of thoughts.  I have a section for hobbies I want to continue developing and ways I could put them into practice, as well as new hobbies I may want to pursue and ideas for how I could do that as well.  I have a section for my personal relationships and how I can be intentional and creative with developing those near and far.  And I have an interests section that lists fun things I want to learn more about (e.g., photography, art & art history, figure skating) and things that I'm not super interested in at face value but want to learn about because I feel like I need to and want to grow in my knowledge and understanding of the world (e.g., politics, geography, sports).  It also gives me the space to list out whatever resources (especially creative ones) I come across.

It would be very tempting, as I have begun to adjust to being married (though I'm sure I have much to adjust to for the rest of my life, of course) and to life in Rochester, to reach a level of contentment and inevitably grow comfortable and complacent.  But I'm praying that God would continue to develop my desire to learn - about Him, His world, and myself.

Christmas cheer.

There were a few years when I was little, when my dad would use these pre-made paper links to celebrate Advent with me and my family.  Each night in December after dinner, we'd read the little blurb about an aspect of the Christmas story on one side of the paper strip and then would do the word puzzle together on the back side before my dad would lick the adhesive end to add to our paper chain that we hung on our real Christmas tree.  I absolutely loved that tradition of Advent celebration, but we only did it for a few years (I think the company where my dad ordered the paper strips from stopped making them) and Christmas just hasn't been the same for me since then.  We'd still light our Advent candles each day, adding a new one for each week, and my dad would go through some Advent booklet, but I longed for something more creative and exciting and fun.

Even though I do think the materialistic hubbub, shopping dash and overly-done crazy Christmas stuff can be a bit over-the-top and isn't the real meaning of Christmas, I still love the Christmas season and the things that come with it.  I love the decorating process, real Christmas trees, 24-7 Christmas music radio stations, and learning about people's quirky family traditions while enjoying my own.

This is the first year I won't be spending Christmas with my family.  This is also the first year where I felt like I had a chance to really be free in getting my creative juices flowing to start my own quirky family traditions, go all out with Christmas decorations, and celebrate the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in creative ways.  But November was quite a crazy month of emotional roller coasters, which made focusing on preparing for Christmas season the last thing on my mind.  And with so much traveling and planning for work these past few weeks, the most I've done this season is put up a Christmas wreath on our apartment door, set up a nice nativity scene on our windowsill, and sometimes listen to Christmas music on Pandora all day.  Nathan and I thought it would be silly to get a real Christmas tree since we wouldn't be home for most of the month.  Things went by too fast for me to think about sending any Christmas cards or gifts for friends, family and co-workers, and I haven't even baked anything.

Thinking and lamenting over how I haven't done anything for Christmas has got me thinking of some ideas for next year.  For example, we don't have many Christmas decorations (though we did get some as wedding gifts from some pretty brilliant friends!), but I was thinking maybe there would be some after-Christmas sales that Nathan and I could catch (hopefully there will still be sales after Urbana!).  Also, I got this other idea (initially as a joke) for if I know Nathan and I will be traveling a lot during December for work and visiting  family next year, maybe we can get one of those little Charlie-Brown-Christmas type Christmas trees to keep when we're home and to bring with us when we're traveling.  Portable Christmas tree?  That'd be a quirky tradition :)

Anyway, sorry about the lack of spreading Christmas cheer from the Bixlers.  Hopefully we'll be in a better place to do so next year!

Waiting for joy to come in the morning.

I never expected my wedding to be the best day of my life or even nearly perfect.  I knew things wouldn't go the way I'd want or planned, and I knew it wasn't necessarily going to be "all downhill from here" unless I let it become so.  But I guess I would at least experience a deep sense of joy in recalling my wedding rather than a reminder of deep hurt and regret.

It really stinks that I'm still burdened by memories of my wedding - and it's sad to think that I can truthfully write that.  After praying about it so much, asking for forgiveness from others and from God and going through some significant spaces of spiritual formation, I thought I had given my regret and guilt over to the Lord for good.  I thought I had accepted the freedom Christ so graciously offers every day so that I'm not having a hard time falling asleep because my thoughts keep drifting around decisions I had made and the things I have learned since then.  I had been doing so well over the past week or two, not having any trouble falling asleep or dreaming dreams that evoke the same old unsettling feelings.  Now I wonder, though, if my travels and work have just been distractions for what I have not yet fully dealt with or if this is just a stark reminder that healing more often than not is a process that takes time.    

It is indeed a blessing, though, that I am enjoying my husband and sharing my life with him and that there are no regrets around the decision to marry him in the first place.  Hopefully, though, with the Lord's strength I will not grow suspicious or doubtful of this blessing but that it would instead be a reminder of God's abundant grace; that He wants to give good gifts to His children and is faithfully beside me in this refining journey of healing.

Sweet, sweet sabbaths.

I am so grateful to God for the gift of sabbath.  Especially in the midst of having this rain cloud hang over my head, taking sabbath is like running into a shelter for a moment of protection from the downpour.  It is by God's grace and mercy that I can rest despite the unrest I've often felt recently in my vocational world, my familial world, and my future.

It's also twice as wonderful to take sabbath with my new husband - three times as wonderful when you find a   beautiful way of taking sabbath together for two very different people.  Nathan came up with the brilliant idea of making a list of all the local coffee places and deciding to visit a different one during each sabbath.  It works really well for us.  Nathan gets to go explore a new area of town and gain a mini sense of adventure; I get the stability and consistency of visiting a coffee place (there's coffee and there's food).  Since Nathan is a high extrovert, he gets to be around the hustle and bustle of people coming in and out, having intriguing conversations or just being there; since I'm a pretty high introvert, although there are people everywhere, I thankfully don't have to talk or interact with them - I can just be in my own world of reading or writing or talking (when I feel like it) with my husband.  There's no rush to go somewhere or meet anyone, and we have the freedom to change plans on the spot.  And on top of it all, we get to learn a little bit more about our new neighborhood, enjoy some delightful treats, and spend quality time in each other's presence.  Even more so, since we tend to travel a lot, we can take our sabbath practices with us on the road...there's usually a coffee place of some kind in every town!

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy taking sabbath with my husband yet?