i keep telling myself i'm not a failure,
that i haven't failed as a friend, a sister, a daughter,
as a human walking on this earth under God's purposes.
but i am.
i ran today, and couldn't keep going after a little over a mile. i had to stop.
i've never stopped before. not unfinished. i always stopped when i was supposed to, never less.
but i did, and it just reminded me of all things i've failed to do this past year, the things i've been failing at this summer, things that i've been aware of but haven't really done anything enough.
i can't breathe in this heat.
you know, people think i'm a hardworker. i'm really not. at least, not always. now pam, she's a true hardworker, all the time, in all areas of her life. me, i'm not. i was a hardworker before college. i pushed myself in EVERYTHING i did. and i got tired. i got broken. i pushed too hard.
i came into college wanting to be fed. i was hungry and thirsty, dying to be cared for and nourished and loved. and i found it.
and now, look what i've turned myself into. i've become lazy, and don't strive as hard as i used to, and now at the expense of my relationships with others. i've spoiled myself. become selfish.
what happened to my selflessness? what happened to my eager desire to fulfill others' needs, make others happy, encourage, and give give give?
God has been showing me so many signs of my neglect to do so. my idle hands and lazy spirit. He's been showing me through big things and little things. i didn't realize until now. He's showing me i need to change.
i've made myself a failure only because i haven't been trying.
don't try to tell me i'm not a failure. please don't ask me if i'm okay next time you see me. i'm fine. more like, too fine. i need to find a better balance among things.
i need to move on. i need to move forward. oh heck, i just need to MOVE.
you can't ask if i'm okay next time you see me, but you can ask me what i'm talking about.
8 comments:
We need to watch some My So-Called Life. You're more of an Angela Chase than i thought. ;)
and I mean that in the best way possible.
here's to self-awareness and a desire for change :)
OH and at least you ARE running. I haven't run since school ended. It's too hot.
oyyy...no worries =]
a lot time in the summers (and life in general), we feel like we're being unproductive and nothing is just going the way it should be. we feel lazy and just dont really wana move. and sometimes, thats ok. maybe you're just taking an extended break. and taking a long break doesnt necessarily mean a terrible thing. not to the point in which you call yourself a failure. because THAT is not the right mentality. God doesnt see you as a failure. so why should you? feeling this way could simply be just a way God is asking you to wake up from your long nap and start doing work for Him again.
you'll be back on your feet in no time..i know it =D
tammy, you put me to shame -_- i havent ran since before senior banquet hahaha. i am far too familiar with what you are talking about in your entry: the spirit of idleness. it is dangerous to get into and hard to get out of. yes, move. up, down, left, right. doesn't matter where but you jus gotta move. that is the most practical advice. and you can do it with God. i kno He is cheering you on. don't let satan tell you otherwise.
dear stitch,
you're too hard on yourself and i mean it. stop bashing yourself and calling yourself a failure. that attitude ain't gonna get you anywhere missy. (i mean, isn't... ahh english)
and i know you look up to pam and it's hard to not compare, but even The Rock takes breaks and doesn't work all the time dude.
and you and i both know that we can't always give give give. it'll just burn you out girl. someone said to me "sometimes fixing things means taking time off and fixing yourself too." it's okay to have tammy time sometimes and think about yourself. YOU have to be okay first in order to take care of others. so don't think of it as being selfish. you most certainly did NOT fail us, that i know for sure :]
stay cool in the heat and don't run at the peak of the day stitch! i know you hate tanning so i'm sure you'll wear tons of sunblock :]
love always,
-frOggie
yoh, seriously, stop saying you're a failure coz you're not. words have power and you have to see yourself as God sees you. everyone's entitled to make mistakes. the best thing you can do is get up and fight again. if you fail to do so, to hell with it. tomorrow is a new day and God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. grace has you covered so you can conquer anything. productiveness? that's hard to gain nowadays specially during the summer. but you'll get there. you're strong and you will find the incentive to do the things you need to do if you let yourself rest. don't give up, you'll get to where you're supposed to be.
::see email::
love you!
it's tough believing He can love and work with us in our failures, but wait and see the beautiful things He brings through them.
please don't run in the heat- you could pass out, seriously. and hydrate a lot in small frequent amounts several hours before. and stretch. it's good you are remembering your spiritual race in Christ as well as the physical running. God's a good coach, don't worry. i'm proud of you tammy!
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