i can bake cookies, but i cannot bake cupcakes to save my life. that is the only thing that was made clear to me today.
as for everything else, it just became very foggy and heavy - just like today's humidity. i am just so frustrated about so many things and it's all so confusing because there's no black and white answers and i don't know what to do.
i feel like everywhere i turn, i'm failing in some sort of fashion. if i'm not failing others, then i'm failing myself. if i'm not failing myself, then i'm failing others. it's a lose-lose situation everywhere.
i can't stand this. why can't i ever find a balance? i feel like i always have to choose between worlds: bing and home, bing and home. i can't seem to hold both. i can't mesh them together. i can't.
i've neglected my friends at home. i really have. and i feel horrible for it. i want them to know how important they are to me. but they see me as being too busy and too in love with my bing life that i don't have time for them until i come home. and then they get mad when i say i don't want to come home. and i get that. i'd probably be hurt too if someone said they didn't want to come home to me either.
but it's hard coming home. it really is. but i feel like i have nothing to complain about because my parents aren't divorced, i'm not worried about food not being on the table, i don't have to worry about getting a job to pay bills, i don't have to worry about paying for college or worry about not fitting in at school. i have an extremely blessed life.
so why should i complain? why should i complain about this wonderful life that i have, with parents that trust me with my life enough not to care about my grades or my day or my problems or my interests or spiritual life but care enough to think i'm too young to go on a road trip with my friends? why should i complain about having my oldest sister, who's turning 22, still act like she's 14 and brings up the same problems every single day at dinner and brings the same arguments and burdens to my parents? why should i complain while i watch my dad work his butt off while my mom doesn't give him the support he needs?
so i'm mad at myself. for everything. i'm mad at myself for failing my friends at home. i'm mad at myself for not doing more for them, not reaching out to them more. i'd always told myself i didn't want to be that person. i was selfish for wanting to be taken care of by my friends at school. i was selfish for wanting to be fed spiritually and not having to worry about stuff at home or drama at home or my other friends' problems at home. i'm mad at myself for that. i'm mad at myself for not being able to do enough to make up for it. i'm mad at myself for being mad at myself. i'm even mad at myself for writing about this on my blog. this is stupid. i need to talk to somebody.
i feel like i'm constantly making a mess and constantly trying to clean up my mess. like i keep spilling milk, clean it up, refill my glass, just to spill it again. again and again and again and again.
you should lock me up in a cellar. no one deserves to be my friend.
sigh. i want Jesus to come back right now.
no one seems to understand me except Him. and pam.
6 comments:
HELLO!!!
a couple of things...
1. take a deep breath...think about something happy (ie. me?) and SMILE =D
2. dont be mad at yourself...and you ARE stupid for doing that. God LOVES you...no matter in what state or condition you are in...He LOVES you
3. you're right, i dont understand you....yet...but maybe thats a sign for us to meet up and talk? if you need an ear, i am more than happy to lend one to you =]
lastly, again, dont be mad. be glad...cuz God LOVES you...as do your parents, your sisters, and me xD
hey- we're ALL broken, remember?
From someone who doesn't have the worst family life in the world, who alienated his friends when he was at school, who sometimes feels smothered AND forgotten by his parents at the same time, who screwed up big time this semester, who faces the same problems every single day... It's okay to complain! It's okay to not be happy with where you are right now!
Remember Habakkuk, who after complaining received this response:
"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." (1.5)
Coming home is a tough adjustment for everyone, but right now God's working in you, your parents, your sisters, *everything* for His purpose- and that's something to be excited about =)
Hey Tammy!
If there's one thing I learned these couple of weeks, it's not let go of the past and focus on the present, what you have the ability to change now. believe in the power of the Holy Spirit and believe that whatever guilt or problems you have, that God loves to take care of them, so that you may once again see how great and loving He is.
Here are some verses I always hold dear to me, which you are probably familiar with; and even if they may not relate to your situation directly, I hope they encourage you:
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. (2Corinthians 4:18)
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31)
I strongly believe in the power and the love of God to be with you as you go through life. i'll definitely be praying for you sis. I suppose it's a random time to say this, but know that you are definitely one of the Christians I truly look up to, despite the fact that we never really conversed much. Your lifestyle shows a lot. Thanks a lot for shining God's light onto me. Honestly, you've affected my life more than you ever knew.
Much love from a brother in Christ, Philip Wong.
hey tammy,
ditto what bo bo said. plus, i don't think its ever selfish to want to be fed spiritually. nor do i think its selfish to not want to deal with drama at home; thats just normal. My guess is that if Mary and Joe were in a tift Jesus would have stayed out late too so he wouldnt have to be around it.
ill be praying for you crazy chans
~kt
i'm going to agree with bo....STOP for a second and breathe. it's only natural to feel this way...especially when you go to a school like bing and come from a church like cemq. i went through the same things. you learn how to deal with it. it's a learning process. everything is. it's only your first year. trust me, it gets easier. and remember, i'm your oppa, so call me when you want to talk. oh yes, an i love you. don't ever forget that. :D
and frOggie!
i think you just articulated the things i've been trying to say, but didn't know how to say. ahh stitch, don't be mad. we just have to pick ourselves up and keep our heads up.
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