multi-tasking!

i'm multi-tasking as i type this. ready to hear what i'm doing?

i'm reading a little bit of the NYS DMV driver's manual because yes, ladies and gentlemen, tamaria rebekah chan is planning to get her driver's permit. no, i still do not wish to drive yet, but i think it would be good to have for an official photo ID, and i'll probably want to learn to drive in a year or two.
i'm going to try and take the test with david law, which will hopefully motivate me to take the darn test. the fact that he's going to florida tomorrow would give me a head start on studying :P

that's another thing i'm currently doing: chatting online with david law. he came over yesterday for new year's eve and we got to catch up while we were waiting for other people to arrive, and it was really good. i'd forgotten how much i enjoyed talking with him. i think that was partially my fault in the beginning, but then just the both of us being busy was mostly to blame. but now we're good. and i'm glad. yesterday was really fun. stanley was the next to arrive, and the three of us talked for a bit until libby and sarah finally arrived. then we watched MEET THE ROBINSONS! guys, i only watched it once and i really liked the movie, but i was so excited to watch it because everyone hadn't seen it before (meaning david, stanley, libby, sarah, AND pam), so it was cool to watch it again with people who hadn't seen it before, and i realized i really love that movie. i'm so happy stanley got it for me for christmas! i can't believe he remembered :]

mm let's see, i'm also currently listening to all the we the kings songs on youtube. yes, i have resorted to listening to songs on youtube a lot now more than ever for two reasons: a) i don't have my own music because this isn't my laptop, and b) i'm trying to expand my knowledge and taste of the typical music i listen to. i guess moreso reason b than reason a, but maybe reason b was a ramification of reason a. i think also what inspired me to actually take action on this goal was because i decided to get this book in b&n the other day called, "1001 books for every mood" to help me expand my knowledge and taste of books, and that inspired me to look in the music section and found a book called: "1001 songs: the great songs of all time and the artists, stories, and secrets behind them." i wanted to get it but it was mighty over my budget, and the two books in my hands already were a teensy bit over the budget already (our family had gotten a $75 gift card for b&n from a family friend and supporter). but it did inspire me to venture out and explore the great big world of music, even if i may cringe getting there.
oh, i like we the kings, btw. i like all of their songs which is interesting because i don't normally listen to that kind of music. i think michelle playing, "check yes, juliet" in her car often enough got me liking their music. that's still my favorite, btw. not really because of the meaning of the lyrics, but the lyrics are still good, though. the song is really fun to sing :] it would totally be a song i would dance around to if i was delirious or by myself.
i also started listening to a couple of songs by alanis morissette. i'd always heard of her but never knew what songs she sang. but i listened to "ironic" because it was mentioned in a songwriting book i was reading. the lyrics are awesome. i thought it was a little sad at first, but the title of the song fits the description better than sad. i like the song, too. ooh, but i really don't like the music video. alanis morissette is weird in that video. i also listened to "perfect" which is unfortunately so totally sad but true for many people. good song.

i'm also constantly on gmail because it seems like the emails never stop coming. i've been starting up some new email chats and replying to some, too. i really enjoy emailing :]

sigh. i'm thinking about how pam's not home. and i won't be seeing her until next wednesday. she's away at our church retreat and won't be coming back until monday, when i leave for e-board planning @ steve's house (which i'm pretty psyched and a little anxious about all at the same time). and then by the time i come back home, it'll be wednesday. haha but when i think about it sometimes i'm more productive on my own when pam's not around. i remember when i was home alone junior and senior year in high school when sam and pam were away at school, i'd actually be pretty productive. i didn't really make a mess (probably cuz i wasn't home that much to make one because i was out at school), and when i did i'd clean it up pretty quickly. and when things were clean i'd go find something productive to do, that was always a little strange because i wouldn't really do it if pam was home. and then when pam called or came home i'd show her or tell her about what i did and she'd be so proud :] i still kind of do that. pam always gets excited and shows how proud she is of me when i do something that makes her proud. that's something i love about her. to me that's something that says she cares about me. it's something i always wished my parents would do, but they're not the 'get excited' type. at least, they wouldn't get excited about something i did.
it's nice that i'm not as dependent on her as i used to be. it's good :]

anyway, another thing i'm also doing is working on this outline of this vision i have for a hospitality team that i want to introduce to e-board. i'm kind of excited for it because i've never done anything like this or had ideas like this before. but thanks to God in His perfect timing and using a dinner i had with gary chow, He presented a vision to me. hopefully i will get all these ideas down together soon. i wanna try and get my ideas down before the first e-board planning starts so i could show gary and then the rest of e-board.

i also just put up my hair and realized that it is very long. i like it. i wonder how long it is. too bad i can't measure it.

now i'm trying to keep my feet warm. it's always very cold in my room. we don't have a very good heater in here. it's been like this since forever. hehe i don't remember the last time we've used up all our blankets. usually my comforter is enough for me at night, but this time i had to put two sleeping bags on top to keep me warm because pam took all the other blankets. and i have fleece sheets, too! with penguins on them! well, the sleeping bags work at least. but right now i'm sitting on top of my blankets and stole a blanket from pam's empty bed to keep my feet warm.
i've been spending a lot of time in my room this break. i come up here a lot. it's nice and quiet. my mom likes to have the tv on ALL day. i don't like it. and there's a tv in the kitchen and in the living room, so one of them is on all the time and if you don't hear one from one room, you hear one from the other. i don't think i've ever spent this much time in my room before. like, ever. but it's nice. it's a little more spatious than it used to be, especially when it's clean. and i brought up some of my books. and i'm using my new lapdesk :] i wish i had my husband pillow, though. leaning against the wall for this long hurts my back.

alrighty enough babbling. i'm tired from sleeping over libby's house yesterday. we stayed up mad long talking even though it took all my energy and strength to keep my eyes open and stay awake, which i'm starting to have trouble with right now. that's my cue. goodnight :]

huh?

i just looked at my last entry and said, "huh? how is it that i posted tuesday, december 30th, when i talked about post-newyear's stuff?" i think something's wrong with the date/time on my blog. or something. i dunno. cuz i was like, the last time i wrote was tuesday?! that was so long ago! it's already saturday-going-to-be-sunday!

yeah i definitely blogged wednesday, not tuesday.

so i think after talking with david law on tuesday, i just had a handful of good talks with people the rest of the week.

on thursday i had lunch with priscilla at the gyro place near my house that i've never stepped foot in my whole life. that place always looks closed or unbusy, but boy was it popping with life! i've also decided that i don't like falafels. but anyway, it was good talking with priscilla, although i would've liked to talk more with her...

on friday night dan picked me and libby up from my house, took us to stop & shop to pick up groceries, and then cooked dinner together at his place. it was sooooo much fun :] the food was soo good! we were bursting at the seams with food, but managed to have hot chocolate and play this really fun game called "free parking." man, that's a fun game. it was hilarious to play with dan and libby. and the three of us had a really good time talking and catching up and sharing about our semester and our fellowships and churches and experiences at school. we need to do that again. i always love spending time with dan. i miss him a lot since he goes to illinois. the thing i always tell people that i love about him is that no matter how much time has past or how much we didn't talk to each other, our relationship doesn't change when we meet up again or talk again. he's definitely my big brother :]

and then today God blessed me by having TWO good talks! i spent the afternoon skating and having a good talk with josh, another big brother of mine, catching him up with stuff that i apparently didn't update him on. and we talked about our families and stuff that happened this semester, and stuff we wanted to hear each other's opinions on. it was good :]
and then i took the train and the bus all the way home with christina dizon and we had such a good talk that it made the trip home go by so fast! she and i have a bit more in common than i remembered. we've both been growing and learning so much. it's awesome. and she listened to me babble about a bunch of stuff, and she shared her encouragement and thoughts on it. it was cool. it's cool that i got to spend these last two weekends with her.

i dub this week the week of really good talks. praise God :]

ooh, p.s. i started a non-fiction piece for fun. we'll see how that turns out :P
ohh, and, p.p.s. i think i made a connection between genesis 3 and the thing i was talking about solomon. i'll blog about that another day.

hollerlujah!

i found my dad's capo last night and finished my song!

well...it's a rough draft and definitely needs fixing up, but hey, it's finished.

finally, an oasis breakthrough after this desert of creativity and lack of writing.

that is all.

look, a short blog!

how could he walk away?

see? i told you i'd be back.

my uber long sleep didn't go as planned. it was interrupted numerous times by the hustle and bustle of our house, but it's okay. i think i still slept pretty well. i had pretty interesting dreams, too.

the rest of my day so far has been pretty good. i fixed my bed, put away my clothes and cleaned off my dresser for the most part. pam forgot her cell at home so i was playing phone operator for a while since she's so popular with calls. i showered and feel clean and drank hot water from my new giant stitch mug and took some more dimetapp that appears to have started to kick in a little bit.

so it's all good.
i was going to play guitar and finish up writing my song, but i realize i misplaced my dad's capo and was desperately looking for it, but have given up, thinking i probably need to trust God that He knows where it is and will reveal it to me when the time comes. He also scolded me for not spending some quiet time with Him, so i decided to do that.

i'm using pam's life application study bible and the leadership essentials book as a devotional book since our group didn't get to finish it by the end of the semester. i decided to use it as a study guide on my own, keeping up with the memory verses while reviewing all the old ones, going into inductive bible studies and reading the articles. i'm determined to remember and keep living out what i've learned from using this book and studying/discussing with carrie, nathan, joanna. i don't want it to be one of those things where i just read it, learn something, but totally forget what i've learned. it's a difficult discipline, but i guess that's part of putting into practice what i've learned - practicing those spiritual disciplines that are hard to keep up but are important if i want God's wind to catch hold of my sails.

so i'm up to chapter 10, which is titled, "taming temptation." to be honest, when i first looked at it, i got all haughty and was like, "yeah, okay, there are no major temptations in my life that i have to deal with. i think i'm doing pretty well." and i thought to myself, "what does this have to do with leadership, anyway?" and of course, i was wrong.

it's an interesting memory verse they gave. here, i'm going to attempt to type it out from memory:

"to the elders among you, i appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings, and one who will also share in the glory to be revealed: be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers - not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away."

dang i forgot the reference. i always forget the reference. i think i got some grammatical things wrong.

it's from...1 Peter 5:1-4. yeah, chief shepherd is supposed to be capitalized. oh well.

anyway, it's interesting how they chose to use this verse as a memory verse because when i first read through it and tried memorizing it i was like, "what the heck does this have to do with temptation?" but then i started answering the questions about the memory verse and realized these verses emphasized the motives of a leader, and that sometimes a leader may be tempted to lead based on the wrong motives and that we need to correct those motives. good reminder.

then i started the inductive bible study, which honestly looked intimidating and not intimidating at the same time. i looked at it expecting it to be something in the new testament (as we had been studying all semester) but was surprised to find that the bible study would be based on 1 kings 11:1-13. my immediate reactions were: 1) to be intimidated because it's the old testament and i never seem to know enough about the old testament to get the full impact of God's Word, and 2) to not be intimidated because it was the story of Solomon and how he had like a bajillion wives and concubines and i totally read this story before so it was familiar and probably would be easier to study than i thought.
so i read the passage again and started answering the questions. the questions seemed pretty easy or self-explanatory. you know, how solomon asked for wisdom and God granted him not only wisdom but wealth and all this other stuff. and then how solomon fell away from God because he married all these women who believed in other gods and he loved them and started following these other gods.

seemed easy enough to figure out, right? but then here comes the doozy. the next question asked: how could someone who had all of solomon's advantages walk away from what he knew to be right?

and then all these thoughts came tumbling through my head:

i thought of celebrities/famous people/actors&actresses/music artists, etc: it usually seems like they have everything they could ever want, and can do whatever they want. even famous Christian music artists like steven curtis chapman, bebo norman, and everyone goes through hard times and suffer through hard things and sin even when they believe in God and want to live a life pleasing to Him. why?
and then i thought of myself: i may not complain out loud all the time (except maybe to michelle), but boy, i complain plenty. and sometimes i complain indirectly. kind of like, rationalizing with myself that i need something more. today after i put away all my clothes i looked in my drawers and saw how many shirts i had. i have TONS of shirts. but yet i always tell myself i'm not satisfied and can always use a new shirt when i'm walking in a store and see one that i really like. but today, looking at my drawer of shirts, i thought to myself: i really don't need any more shirts, nor have i needed any more shirts for a really long time. yet when i'm in a store and see a shirt i like, i don't think of reasons why i don't need that shirt, i think of reasons why i should get the shirt. to me, that's indirectly complaining because i'm expressing dissatisfaction with what i already have by rationalizing with myself that i "need" a new shirt because i'm dissatisfied with the shirts i have. and i really am. i really am dissatsified with a lot of shirts i have but can't bring myself to give more of them away. i've already given away tons of clothes.
but not only clothes! i thought of all the other great things i had: great parents that aren't nosy or over-protective or controlling, and they love me and want what's best for me and sacrifice so much for me; an awesome big sister that takes care of me and loves me and sacrifices so much for me; a house that has heat; always having food in my fridge; just having my parents home a lot; a tv to watch shows and movies; friends who have my back and care about me in ways i probably don't even know; being able to read my bible and just talk about Jesus without being afraid of being arrested or killed; just walking outside without a fear of a bomb exploding or gunshots ringing throughout the street; and i am continuously getting to know my God, a mighty, powerful, unchanging God that loves me unconditionally and blesses me every single day with His mercy and grace...i mean, come on, i have SO much to be thankful for, so why am i always discontent, even to a small degree?
and i think about all of my sins. i think about the mistakes i've made that i'm aware of, and the mistakes i've made that i'm not aware of. i think about some of the times i've hurt others, especially those closest to me. i think about the decisions i've made, and how so many of them were poor decisions. i think about all my failures and mess-ups, and times i wish i had do-overs.
and then i asked myself, "how could someone who had all of my advantages walk away from what i knew to be right?"

and i thought about solomon. and i thought about me. and i thought about the easy answers i'd just answered. i racked my brain. there's something connected here. i knew there was something connected here. i knew this. there was something here i knew that i couldn't put my finger on.

so i read the passage again.

and i realized i had missed something. i knew that solomon had married seven hundred wives in order to make peace treaties of some kind with other countries and stuff and that's why he was led astray from God because they all believed in different gods. but it wasn't just that. if it was just that, you could say, 'hey it wasn't entirely solomon's fault. he had good intentions but it was those evil women who led him astray.' i looked down but i took a look back up at verses 1 & 2. solomon chose to follow his own agenda rather than God's. he strayed from God's commmandment not to intermarry with those foreign women. why?
was he scared? was he scared that God wouldn't back him up and watch over him if these neighboring lands were to declare war on his land and his people? was he scared that these neighboring lands would try to take away all the wealth and power God had given to him? he didn't trust God. he forgot that it was God who gives and takes away, that solomon was a steward of the things God entrusted to him, not the master. but solomon thought he was the master of it all so he took matters into his own hands and followed his own agenda. he probably thought he was in control of the whole situation and by marrying these foreign women it would make him feel secure in being in control. this little sin led to a bigger sin.

i have to stop these little things that steer me away from God in my life dead in their tracks before they turn into bigger sins. complaining may seem harmless to me at first, but they have the potential to grow and cause me to sin, whether it may be a little sin or a big sin. either way, to God both are sins and both are hurtful. a sin is still a sin no matter what size it is. i think i've already sinned because of my inward (and sometimes outward) complaining (some that i'm totally not aware of), so it's got to stop. i've got to think twice when it comes to discontentment. i've got to think of my motives - is it a discontentment that pushes me to desire to do better at something? or is it a discontentment that is just dissatisfaction for the great things already at hand? if it's the latter, then i need to check myself and remind myself of the God i serve and desire to be like.

thanks for the reminder, solomon.

i have to go find my dad's capo.

oh, how i've missed blogging.

it's nice to come visit this site and just write out my thoughts. blaaaah. it feels good.
sadly, there's so many thoughts tangled in my head that i can't sort through them all at once.

so for now, since i am a bit tired, i will share some random ones that i just thought i'd get off my chest:

-watching the west wing is always enjoyable. it's a really good show, guys.
-i went to visit times square church with pam and a few others today. i'm trying to check out other churches to experience different styles of worship, to see what i could bring to the IV table.
-i finally started working on my ideas for a hospitality team.
-hanging out with gary, pam lee, pam, humongous, and xena was pretty fun today. i'm glad i went, even though we didn't get tickets for wicked :[ it was fun trying, though.
-i really like baking snickerdoodles. they might be my next favorite cookie to bake.
-i really eat more than i should, even when i'm not hungry. my mind isn't doing too well in keeping a tight leash on my stomach/mouth. i have to control myself a little more.
-i'm glad i decided not to go on the church retreat even though i know i'm going to be missing out on something good.
-stanley and juan are REALLY good gift givers. and they're pretty awesome :]
-i don't appreciate a lot of the comments my dad makes sometimes. they ruffle my feathers. not that i'm a bird.
-i was so close yet so far to getting my new guitar today.
-boaz is really like my big brother. i'm glad i have him in my life :]
-i'm thankful that my family eats dinner together.
-shoot, i forgot to water the tree.
-i really don't like washing dishes. especially since i don't like not wearing rubber gloves, but after i take off the gloves, my hands smell TERRIBLE. it's a lose-lose situation all around.
-to be honest, my excitement for e-board planning has dampened a bit. i think my anxiety for it has risen a bit. can't really put my finger on why. i just feel like it is.
-i started writing a new song! and i got really excited about it, but i feel like one part sounds like a song i know. which is sad.
-i think it stinks that i haven't fully recovered from my cold yet. or i was so close to doing so, but caught it again. slightly, anyway. and i've been drinking a lot of fluids AND getting lots of rest. i haven't been doing anything exciting.
-i'm so excited for tomorrow! i'm going to sleep in and not set my alarm! and then after i wake up i am planning to have a restful but productive day. i will probably blog again to sort through some more thoughts.
-i was watching "once" again today. kept having to stop it because i was interrupted, but hopefully i'll finish it tomorrow. i really like marketa irglova.
-pam's old laptop has mad fast internet. it's awesome.
-my dad really really loves me.
-i really like my cousins.
-i wish everyone who has at&t texting plans would switch to verizon.
-i wish the dimetapp would kick in.
-i'm excited for tomorrow. but i mentioned that already :]

time to read and go to sleep for a very long time.

i feel a big blog coming. you don't have to read.

i haven't blogged in a while. i've been aware of it for weeks now. i actually started several but never really finished them, so i didn't publish them. i've wanted to finish them, and i've had so much to say, but somehow all my thoughts and feelings were just so mixed up and everything was just moving so fast that i didn't have time to think.

that's the thing. if you catch me at the wrong time when things are moving fast and my thoughts are still all over the place, sometimes the wrong thought comes out or the thought comes out in the wrong way and it hurts others.

if you watch gilmore girls, it's why i think i'm not more like lorelai or more like luke - i'm both...at least, i know i'm supposed to be. i can move fast and keep up with the speed like lorelai, but if you don't let me pace myself and take the time to untangle my thoughts once in a while like luke, then you get what happened in season six: a broken engagement. i've realized that this semester, the engagement between the luke and lorelai within me seems to have broken.

i haven't really gotten a chance to stop and really think about this semester (even though i tried for my dad's sake for him to put together our family Christmas letter) until these past couple of days where things have begun to finally slow down. i've had quite a number of moments where i got to reflect on an area/piece of my life and learned something about myself that i wasn't about to see before.

one thing i thought of this past week was about my writing. i've always said that i've loved writing. when i tell people i'm a creative writing major, they automatically think, "she must love writing." and i've made myself believe that too. but i've realized that maybe i haven't been giving my writing all the love i could because there hasn't been any writing to love. all the writing i've been doing for the past year has been for school. there were maybe one or two times where i wrote for myself, and they were songs. i keep saying that i want to write a book, i keep telling people i want to write a novel, but where is it? where are all the hours of work and passion and thoughts and words that are coming together to form this novel? where's the sweat and dedication and endurance it takes to write a novel? nowhere. i have nothing. i just have ideas the float around. i haven't lassoed them and pulled them down onto paper to start putting them together. and that makes me feel like a hypocrite. if i weren't me, but i was someone looking at me, i'd be like, aw heck no that girl doesn't love to write. if she loved to write, she'd get up every morning and write a page full of thoughts and ideas or stories or just even an introduction....just something that would be written down. i truly believe that anyone can write. it just takes practice to write well. someone once said it was 5% inspiration, 95% perspiration. ever since i heard that, i believed it. but i haven't done it. i've always had that 5% but never really pushed beyond it.

you know, i've blogged a lot about spiritual gifts and what kind of spiritual gifts God may have given me. if you remember or look back at one of those entries, you'll see 'writing' on that list of top ten spiritual gifts. i think it's ironic how i just passed over that one as an automatic, duh-of-course-writing-is-one-of-your-spiritual-gifts kind of thing. i've always been told and i've always believed that writing is one of my gifts that God has given me. i've always believed that words hold more power than we think, whether they're written or said or even sung. it's a form of communication. and words always communicate a LOT, depending on what words are used, what context their used in, and how they're used. they can fill hearts, break hearts, change hearts. they can carry knowledge, encouragement, discouragement and hurt. there's just so many of them! see how important they are?? and yet, my high esteem for the importance of words has been jaded over time since i've gotten to college. i realize i didn't have it when i joined koinonia, i realize i didn't have it when i joined praise team, i realize i didn't have it when i was in class. and i realize that my writing has been dissolving.

dissolving to a point where i think i've buried my gift. and i've been burying it. i'm like that third guy in Jesus talks about in His parable about the talents that buries his until the master comes back. he might've been scared. like me. scared to fail. maybe he thought that if he took a risk he would fail and it would be safer to keep the talent safe, where only he knew where it was hidden. i guess that's like me. writing is very important to me because i feel vulnerable when i write. to me whether it's writing a poem, a song, a story, fiction or not - somewhere in that writing is a piece of me. and my mindset has come to a point where i feel like if my writing is rejected, then a piece of me is rejected, too. but it turns out in the parable that the servant was rejected because he didn't take that risk. and i've read that parable over and over again. see why i feel like a hypocrite?

i think i haven't been writing because i've been stuck. i've had a writer's block for a really long time. and that writer's block is me. i've been standing in my own way. i was watching one tree hill the other day (okay, so pam & i have been watching one tree hill season five like...every day since we got home) and one of the running plotlines is that lucas scott wrote and published this book he wrote which was basically about his life and basketball and high school and stuff. and it made me think about my own writing (or lack thereof). and it made me think...why couldn't i even write anything? and i thought of anne shirley from anne of gables and jo march from little women and lucas scott from one tree hill and it hit me - all of these authors became great authors because they wrote what they knew and they wrote from their heart. and that's where they needed to start to get the ball rolling. but i know a creative and master designer God of whom there are endless ways to express who He is and His character through writing. so if i could write from my heart AND use the inspiration and words that God gives to me to write, how much more powerful could my writing be? how much more could i share God's good news and His unfailing love and desire for us to be His heirs with others? but i've been afraid. i've been afraid of judgment and criticism and rejection.
i was kind of doing what i wanted to do for in considering e-board: i wanted to avoid the whole criticism thing altogether by skipping out on the nom com interview and just shutting down the possibility of criticism by avoiding it before it got too far. and for my writing, i've been avoiding the possibility of myself or my writing being criticized by not writing altogether. but i've missed writing. i usually got away with it by blogging or journaling or writing songs. but it's not the same as writing a novel or a short story.

when i first started writing stories when i was 9 (or 11?), i spit out books like there was no tomorrow. i didn't care what other people thought of them. i just wrote from my heart. and if you take a look at them now, they're terribly written and terribly unrealistic, but hey, they were finished. they were something. right now i have nothing. at least with my old books, you could work with them and edit them and tweak them and fix them. but i have no writing to fix.

i was flipping through black book to when i first started writing in it. the bulk of it was written when i went to basileia. and during the retreat of silence i wrote that i wanted to give up some things that were really important to me and hand them over to Him: my voice, my writing, and my attitude. i prayed for that. i prayed that God would take those things and mold them in me to be used for His glory. and i think He's been opening my eyes to how He's already been working through those things, and how i need to keep giving those things to Him and trust Him to use them for His great work. but not only that, but i need to keep putting those things into practice in order for Him to keep working through them. i need to keep using my voice, keep writing away, and keep shaping my attitude to be a worshipful, obedient one, in order for Him to shape each one. He does, after all, give and take away, so just because He gave me a gift doesn't mean i'm guaranteed to keep it forever.

so i'm itching to write something. unfortunately, my laptop caught the hardware disease that's been going around digman 2east and died just last week, so i'll be laptop-less during the whole break because my dad said his claim will take a few days to get through, then a few more for them to accept it, and then it'll be a few weeks to order and receive a new laptop. i am blessed, however, to have all my data backed up on carbonite (thanks to my genius dad), and pam's old laptop to hold me over until i get my new laptop. right now i'm on pam's current laptop, and i'm using my brand new travel lapdesk and wearing these really really soft pants that make me feel invinceable and an out-of-character sweater that has fur on the hood, but i really really like. pam's sitting next to me, trying to finish a book and my mom is watching "what not to wear" while heating up some of the many many leftovers we've accumulated over this past week. the cold i've been recovering from has returned and although i'm not coughing, having a stuffy nose and a sore throat isn't something to be proud to have. i've been pretty tired, too, even though i've barely done any hard labor and have gotten a lot more sleep than i have all semester. my body's exhaustion from the semester is catching up, i believe.

but i'm not going to let the laptop disease hold me back from preventing myself from burying my gift. i'm going to start writing again. and not be afraid to do it.

so going back to my other reflections, there were a number of other things i've realized about myself and way i've been acting towards others. and i know that i've hurt others because of my selfishness in the way i deal with my feelings, but at the same time i wish they'd understand.

nevermind. i'll save that one for next time.

only human

can you tell me how we got in this situation,
i can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

after all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all i see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside and

after all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

i’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,

if You feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
i’ll come running to Your side,

can you tell me how we got in this situation,
i can’t seem to get you off my mind cause

after all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

after all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

any other reason
to stay instead of leavin’
after all, yeah

i love my sophomore class :]

so i'm not exactly sure if my sophomore class knows how much they've impacted my life.

we just had a sophomore prayer meeting tonight after dinner and it was pretty darn good. just sharing a snippet (which was actually a lot because there's tons of stuff to share with them about what God's been doing in my life) of what's been going on was good, but hearing what God's been doing in my brothers and sisters' lives was refreshing and encouraging as well. it showed just a glimpse of how God was constantly working through us since we first came together as a class last fall.

chapter retreat of fall '07 was a huge breakthrough for me - God showed me just a glimpse of what our class would look like, and i saw

umm...i feel like i had more to say but i can't think of it right now so i'll continue this thought another time.

i am a carrot. hear me roar.

i just know this is gonna be a long one. there's so many things swirling around that i'm thinking about that i'm not sure i could explain it all here. but i'm gonna try. ready? d-d-d-go!

i've been struggling with a lot of stuff going on in this carrot head of mine - good struggles.
i've been picking up on things that God's been whispering to me that i thought was just these past few weeks. but then i thought about it and He's been whispering some things to me for the past few months. and then i thought about it and He's been whispering some things to me for this entire semester, as well as my entire life that i haven't picked up on until now.

one of those things is that i'm a carrot.
and along with being a carrot, i need to learn to grow as a carrot and identify what it means to grow in this giant vegetable garden and what my purpose and contribution is as a unique carrot in a salad bowl.

haha sounds funky, right? like, what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about-you-crazy-girl-obsessed-with-illustrations kind of crazy, right?

so i was talking with michelle and pam (on separate occasions) about what i've been noticing about myself and about how i interact with others.

one thing is that for my freshman year, God has been working on my relationship to Him on a personal level. He refreshed me and renewed me as i entered college into a new self. my eyes were opened again and again to my constant disobedience to Him and the way i masked myself from the truth of His enduring, agape love. i wasn't being real with myself, and throughout freshman year i learned to do that (and i'm still learning to maintain that) through everything that surrounded me: my living circumstances, small group, large group, serving with intervarsity, being served by the fellowship, people i talked with and encountered, expedition, basileia, being home, and the list goes on. i struggled with identifying myself with God because the ways i had been living my life as a Christian were all being questioned and challenged.

but now that i've grown and gotten my head (not completely, but better) wrapped around ways i need to interact and approach God and grow in Him and with Him, i've been struggling with the ways in which i interact with others on a relational level. it's like i'm trying to figure out who God wants me to be and how that fits in with everyone i encounter in my life.

so as i've blogged about before, i've been learning a lot of stuff through the leadership meetings i have with carrie, joanna, and nathan every friday afternoon. and this past week since carrie wasn't here, joanna led our group in talking about what our callings are and how our spiritual gifts are tools of obeying those calls. ooh, i realized something just now. because i had always perceived one's "calling" as a certain career path to take because that's what God called you to do. but really it's more than about your "call" of having a certain career or doing something in regards to jobs or salaries or sustaining your life in the future. it's also about what you're called to do right now. so anyway, we were talking about spiritual gifts and i had realized since matt tuttle had asked me randomly sometime earlier this semester that i did not know what my spiritual gifts were. and in a way that isn't good because if i don't identify what they are, how am i supposed to use them to its fullest capacity to bear fruit for God's glory? i didn't want to be the servant who hid his talent in the ground. in the leadership book we were using, it gave a list of gifts and a little description and asked us to think about which ones we thought we had and to check those off. i had a pretty good sense of some gifts i might've had, but i didn't know if there was a difference between a spiritual gift or just being good at something, and what that meant for me. plus, it's confusing for me because i feel like i'm good in a range of areas, but not particularly strong in anything.

so i decided to take a spiritual gift test as a first step. i had taken one last year when jasmine flores came to speak about spiritual gifts, but i don't think i really took it that seriously. i was just like, yeah okay, this is nice. but i took the one that all the small group leaders were assigned to take, and i already told you my results in my last blog entry.
if you look at the list of my top seven spiritual gifts, you'll find that "hospitality" is #2. so i found that to be interesting since it was #1 on my list when i took the test last year (although last year's didn't have "music" as a spiritual gift, so maybe it would've been the same). but when i took it last year i was like, "what? hospitality? no way!" and kind of just brushed it off. but seeing it pretty high up on my list again made me think there was probably something significant about it.

and then all these epiphanies started happening.

-this semester, i was surprised at myself for teaching myself how to cook and cooking pretty decently. and i like doing it. i like cooking for the masses.
-i really enjoy it when people come to visit. i want to feed them and make them feel at home and provide whatever they need.
-alongside of that, God has been bringing people over to chill and hang out randomly. it's been pretty darn awesome.
-growing up in my house must've played an important role of this gift. people were always over at my house, and our fridge always had food in it to feed them. we sometimes dubbed our dining, "chan take-out."
-ealier this semester i was a little discouraged and beat myself up for not being able to connect with people as fast as others, or be as outgoing or challenging. i want to challenge people. i see people like pam and how she challenges people, which causes them to grow and connect. i want to do that too.
-so michelle pointed out to me a couple of times on separate occasions that i'm not really chatty sometimes in group settings. and it didn't occur to me until she said that. during every small group meeting i've barely said anything; at our praise team dinner discussion i didn't say much; when a bunch of us were trying to help keren with her class debate about Christianity, i didn't say anything; when people share with me about problems or just what's going on with them, i haven't really said anything, etc. but i didn't really notice because i've had a lot to say in my head. so apparently, i've been internalizing a lot of what i've been listening without saying anything out loud. i don't know what that means, or what it has to do with hospitality. all i know is that i used to speak my mind a lot more and lately i haven't been.

i don't really know what all of this means at the moment, but the only thing i've gotten so far is that God gave me the gift of hospitality and that i need to exercise it and appreciate it for what it is.

so i was talking with pam and telling her how i wanted to have gifts like hers and how i knew that my gifts were important in a different way, but it was just harder to see the fruits of using my gifts. and it's a little discouraging when pam's gifts were more apparent.

and that's when i became a carrot.
it's also when pam became a pumpkin.
so i'm a carrot because the fruits of my gifts aren't as visible, but that doesn't mean they're not there and they're not as good as any other vegetable. and pam's a pumpkin because maybe the fruits of her gifts are more visible, but that doesn't mean her gifts are not any better than mine. and then we're all in a vegetable garden and need to band together, embracing each other's identities and gifts when we're chosen, plucked, washed, chopped up and put together in one of God's ginormous salads.

and right now, i'm trying to find my place in the salad: trying to identify myself as a carrot, figuring out what it means to be a carrot and how i contribute to the salad.

yesterday morning i was looking through some of the articles on the intervarsity website under the studentssoul.org link, and found one titled, "the importance of being a worship leader," and this is what i read:

Do you sometimes feel insignificant or inadequate as a worship leader? Worship has the potential to bring people before God, and worship leaders, like doorkeepers, assist by standing at the door and welcoming people into God’s presence.

I remember being on the worship team at a retreat and feeling depressed because I didn’t possess the same gifts as the others. When I shared my insecurity, one of my friends quoted Psalm 84:10: “I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”

It made me feel worse.

Was he saying I was as insignificant as I felt? The equivalent of a doorkeeper? Undoubtedly many fine people work as doorkeepers, but the position is not, nor has it ever been, one of great prestige and influence.

Many years later, while leading worship at a conference, I received a note from one of the participants. She wrote that as she was trying to think of a way to describe my worship leading, “hospitable” is what came to mind. At first, she said, it seemed like a strange word to use for a worship leader, but then she realized that if worship is entering the throne room of God, then “hospitable” made perfect sense. We on the worship team were “standing at the doorway,” inviting others in. She went on to write, “All the things you do that make it easier for us to participate fully — from lining out words to leading us in clapping, teaching us how to pronounce non-English words, indicating when we’re repeating a chorus — all these things help us to find our way in. Wow, what a calling: welcoming worshipers into the throne room of God!”

i was like, wow, God, wow. He takes this whole spiritual gift of hospitality a step further and ties it with my role as a worship leader. i mean, how awesome is that?!

and THEN i had dinner with gary tonight (which was awesome because i hadn't talked to that kid in ages) and i was telling him some of this stuff, and how i have trust issues with people and how i suck at making decisions. and he was saying that maybe i was over-trusting people, putting everyone on a high pedastal and expecting a lot out of them, so much so that they fall far down when they don't meet my trust expectations. and then i trust so easily that i do it again. and then he pointed out that maybe discernment was a spiritual gift i needed to work on and pray about, that i needed to learn to trust the instinct God places within us more than the trust we put into other people.

very interesting stuff. it all makes a lot of sense. oh, how i am learning so much.

so you see how all these things are swirling around in my head and how there's so much stuff i've been thinking about? this is like only HALF of the stuff i've been thinking about.

anyway, just wanted to write it down in some way. sorry if it's confusing. it was fun to write :]

today, i...

i wanted to blog and at first i had no idea what to blog about.

i didn't want this to be one of those entries where i say, "today i did this," and "then this happened," but it might turn out to be like it anyway. bear with me if you can, but if you don't want to, i completely understand. i'll try to make it as interesting as possible.

when i got out of bed this morning and looked at the clock, i knew it was a historical day.
why?
it was 1:30 pm. yes, that's right. tamaria rebekah chan got out of bed at 1:30 pm. i don't believe i've never slept that long before in my life. so technically, i woke up at 10:30 this morning when my alarm went off, and i also was a little awake when michelle's alarm went off, but i decided to sleep a little longer and not set my alarm again, thinking i wouldn't wake up later than 12 or 12:30. boy, was i wrong. i felt like i wasted the morning.

well, it was a good thing steve changed our meeting time from 1:00 to 2:00. or else i wouldn't have made it. steve, youmin, and i met up to talk about program ideas for the koinonia concert, and we came up with...almost nothing. we couldn't think of skit ideas so we called up chris rong and he said he could have ideas for us by tomorrow. lOlz. but hey, we came up with awesome intro video ideas :]

so it's drizzling outside and just as i step outside the food court at around 3:30, it starts to POUR. and of course, i have no umbrella. or a hood. good thing i was wearing my boots, though. my poor boots. they're still recovering.
anyway, i ran the last bit of distance from home but still managed to get soaking soaking wet just as matt tuttle texts me, saying, "where are you? don't drown on your way home," to which i replied, "too late."

michelle took a lovely picture of me and my thigh-high soaking jeans. my poor jeans. they're still recovering, too.

i got so excited because chris, michelle, and i were planning to watch wall-E and eat cheesecake! and will came over to visit, and so did chris rong (although he only stayed for a few minutes) and later on priscilla and will came by with leftover birthday cake to share! and i invited gary to come over and watch wall-E with us, and he did! and just was we started playing the movie, steve, pam, and tuttle came back from seeing urinetown and watched the movie with us! oh, and i heated up leftover chili to eat for dinner and it was so yummy :]

such a good day. i love having visitors! oh and winnie, may, and nick stopped by, too! ooh, and boaz, too!

wow, so many exclamation marks. that's how good of a rainy day it was.

ooh, and guess what? i WENT ONLINE today. as in, i signed on to AIM. yeah, i know. the world has changed.
and i talked to aiko today, whom i haven't talked to since...about a month or two ago (which didn't end very nicely)? it was good talking with her again. i'm glad she IMed me.

by the way, i miss mary situ. i should give her a call soon. matt tuttle made me promise to call her sometime this week. i should get on that.

oh, and i really enjoy making lunch/dinner plans with people. it's so exciting!

i also remembered to take a spiritual gifts test since in my leadership meeting on friday we were discussing spiritual gifts and being good stewards of those gifts. here's my significant top seven:

music
hospitality
writing
craftsmanship
leadership
administration
helps

when i was sharing this with pam & tuttle, tuttle seemed to be holding his breath until i finally said, "administration." he said something along the lines of, "oh good. we don't have to say, 'carrie moorhead, tammy doesn't have the gift of administration!'"

then i told michelle my score and she said, "good. administration's on there."

hahaha. that would be funny if it wasn't. btw, yay i can finally talk about being on e-board, now that's it's officially out there. i've been holding back on talking about it with some people in the fellowship because i knew they weren't supposed to know yet. not that any of the people who didn't already know read my blog.

although, i don't appreciate the dramatized rumors going around about me murdering someone or harming little animals and children. i mean, really guys. i thought we were in college for goodness sake.

ooh, ooh, more happy news! i got a email conversation about how the sophomores are planning a prayer meeting in support of three of our sophomores going to be a part of e-board, and how us sophomores should do more sophomore-y things together. that makes me so excited! i really really want to do more sophomore things together but haven't really gotten any solid ideas. and prayer meetings? yay! bringing back the old freshman days :] i was just saying to joanna and nathan on friday at our leadership meeting how i really appreciate the different gifts and personalities each person in the sophomore class have because i've witnessed how those different gifts can work together and complement each other in such a way as to when we work towards the same goal, heading in the same direction. and it's SO awesome. i love it. i love the sophomores!

later on michelle, chris, and i were watching bear grylls cut up a yak and eat raw yak liver and eyeballs, and then learned about body language and how in politics it's important to have the "upper hand" when it comes to handshakes. very interesting stuff indeed.

what a good day, especially since it was so rainy and windy.

God brings such exciting things into my life. it's awesome to witness what unfolds each day :]

two marshmallows, please.

so yes, i didn't come back to blog as i said i would, but that's why there was a "perhaps" in there. i wasn't sure if i'd be able to write the next day. apparently i didn't.

but, i have been picking up on my good discipline of journaling again. i opened my journal to find that the last time i had written was on february 22nd, 2008. how sad. journaling was an awesome thing for me, and for me to just stop makes me sad because i missed out on recording all the things i had been learning through that semester and this past summer. aiyah. oh well. at least i've begun to journal again. it feels good to be doing it again.

so basically, for the past few weeks there's been like a huge amount of stuff happening in my life that required some careful and important decision making. and if you know me, i'm not always the best decision maker, but usually i somehow manage to do alright because i'll try to handle it myself but then i'm like, "ummm...no. here God, take this," and let Him be the center of it.

for one of those decisions i felt at peace about it despite my worries and concerns. and it was good. but then that decision led to another decision i had to make, and that one definitely was the better decision, but that didn't mean i was completely happy about it.

for the past couple of days i've been discontented about it, and i didn't know how to find that contentment with the decision until today.

i was reading a book and found that the author included an article in it that spoke to me:

It turns out that a scientist can see the future by watching four-year-olds interact with a marshmallow. The researcher invites the children, one by one, into a plain room and begins the gentle torment. "You can have this marshmallow right now," he says. "But if you wait while I run an errand, you can have two marshmallows when I get back." And then he leaves.
Some children grab the treat the minute he's out the door. Some last a few minutes before they give in. But others are determined to wait. They cover their eyes; they put their heads down; they sing to themselves; they try to play games or even fall asleep. When the researcher returns, he gives these children their hard-earned marshmallows. And then, science waits for them to grow up.
By the time the children reach high school, something remarkable has happened. A survey of the children's parents and teachers found that those who as four-year-olds had the fortitude to hold out for the second marshmallow generally grew up to be better adjusted, more popular, adventurous, confident and dependable teenagers. The children who gave in to temptation early on were more likely to be lonely, easily frustrated and stubborn. They buckled under stress and shied away from challenges.

and bits of the author's response to this article were: developing the character necessary to delay gratification in small areas can translate into great success in other areas. the four-year-olds overcame their urge to eat the marshmallow because they had faith - they could envision the moment when the nice man in the white coat would come back with two marshmallows. they persevered because they trusted. so why shouldn't we snatch it up? because God promised something better.

if you read this book before, you might know what i'm talking about.

this marshmallow was placed in front of me, and i made the decision to not eat it until the man in the white coat came back. and though for the past few days i've been having trouble finding contentment in that decision, i know it's the better one and that i can be excited to wait for when the man in the white coat comes back with two. it's something to look forward to, and it definitely helps me learn to truly trust God and His timing. it's a huge test of faith, and i really want to pass it.

i realize that's something i was reminded of at basileia [ which makes me excited for basileia this year :D ], how greg jao talked about the need to let go of our "rights" to things and the other good things in our life in order to wait for the better plans God has in store for us. the anticipation of that excites me and helps me to overcome the desire to take the good things in front of me right now.

one marshmallow?
very tempting, but i'll wait for my two marshmallows thank you very much :]

ahhhhhh!

i need to journal. right now.

i will come back and blog tomorrow perhaps.

real rainbows

so i've had a very interesting several days since my last post.

i had a little breakdown. in fact, it was not long after my last post. but it was one of those good breakdowns - the kind that just allows you empty yourself from deep inside, everything good and everything yucky. it was liberating and a little tiresome, but afterwards i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. and it was also good because i think it was an opportunity taken that allowed me to deepen my relationship with michelle and tuttle. i am beyond extremely blessed to have you two.

it was evidence to me that God is working in me, somehow, in some way.

the days to follow the breakdown are a blur right now, but i remember feeling refreshed with a pinch of clarity. i was beginning to understand a little more of dying to myself to live for Christ. i struggle with that everyday. but i'm yearning more and more to hear God's voice, to obey what He tells me, and to be holy not for the sake of being holy, but because God is holy. i'm still trying to learn what that means.

little threads have been running like themes through my life these past few weeks, even months, i guess.

one of those threads can be summarized by the verse that i've memorized for the leadership meeting i have every friday with carrie, joanna & bixler:

"as obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. but just as He who has called you is holy, so be holy in all you do for it is written: "be holy because i am holy." since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. for you know that it is not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." 1 Peter 1:14-19

i've come to memorize verses as a spiritual discipline now. i really like doing it. and i get really excited about getting it right and memorizing it completely because it makes excited to anticipate how God's going to use His word in my life. like what He's going to show me through that verse. i've always known reading/memorizing/meditating God's word was key to a lot of things, but now i'm actually putting that into practice through my life and now i'm beginning to see why, which is refreshing and liberating.

but this one particularly brings it home to my heart because it seems to be the one God is using predominantly in my life right now, which is pretty freaking awesome.

oh, so i titled this post "real rainbows" because although last weekend/the beginning of last week was a huge storm in my life, i've been living in the rainbow-y area since then. rainbows are typically symbolized as the time when the weather is perfect and sunny and you go frolicking through meadows and picking flowers for people you love. i think it's often quoted as, "look for the rainbow after the storm" kind of thing. yes, i do believe that rainbows come after the eye of the storm passes, but they don't come out in perfect sunny weather (unless of course, it's summertime and you turn on a sprinker and look at the sprinkler water at a certain angle so you see a really cool rainbow...but that's not what i'm talking about here). real rainbows come when it's cloudy weather and it's still kind of muggy outside. and rainbows don't have clear-cut lines that distinguish each color clearly. it's a little blurred with numerous shades that sometimes can't fully be comprehended or distinguished.

that's where i am. i've passed another storm of life, but that doesn't mean my life has suddenly become all perfect and i've become all sunny. i've become rainbow-y. i'm in a cloudy/muggy/drizzly environment, but i'm more colorful and need time to brighten and am learning to distinguish the colors in my life that God has given me.

i really like learning new things. this is how much i've always really liked learning new things throughout my whole life: my parents were never really the kind of parents that asked, "what did you learn in school today?" but in elementary school and middle school and often even to this day, i'd just come home from school and tell them everything i've learned and ask them questions about things i didn't understand but wanted to understand. that's how excited i've always been about learning new things.

ooh, another thing that's similar to the whole studying-God's-Word-and-applying-it-to-my-life and how i've always known that i was supposed to do that but it didn't really click until recently is that i've always known and learned that Jesus came to save the sick and not the healthy, but i've been reminded again at how i need to be needy and weak and broken and truly "just as i am" before God in order for Him to save me and help me. i was reminded when greg jao said a snippet of that in his message on friday, and again today at church, about how Christians often have this blinded view that we need to have it all together, but in reality, Jesus came to save those who were sick. i'm learning to be more okay with not being okay. i've always struggled with that, too. especially in high school.

all of this and more is a part of that first part of the 1 Peter verse: "as obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." i want to be an obedient child, and have been learning to turn away from the evil desires, sins, and bad habits of thinking that i had when i lived in ignorance.

God is teaching me new things. all the time. He's constantly shaping me to be a better vessel to be filled with the Holy Spirit and fulfill the purposes that He holds for me. and i really like learning them, even if it means crossing a river and getting through storms. if that's what it takes, then i'm in. i'm all in.

and it's a good reminder that there's nothing i could ever do that would make Him love me less.

i'd wish for a lot of things, but right now...

right now, i wish there was a swingset nearby.

falling leaves

it's ironic how i wanted to be back at digman 216 so badly and now that i am, i don't feel like being around a huge bunch of people.

i'm supposed to be studying for brit lit now, using my interactive online hell. it's quite entertaining/educational. great study guide. but i'm taking a break for now. if you spent hours studying an interactive hell, you'd want to take a break, too, wouldn't you?

i was so happy to see michelle & tuttle last night - especially after a five-hour bus ride from flushing to bing. it was exhausting and all i did was sit and listen to music and stare out the window and wait. i couldn't even sleep for longer than thirty minutes straight. but coming home and seeing tuttle and sunroot and joanna and grace fung made me really really happy to be home. yeah. home. and then finally seeing michelle, oh man. it was like coming together with my other half. well, that, and we nearly fell into the street because i ran into her so fast and nearly tackled her. hehe :P

but today, it felt different. i just don't feel like being around a lot of people. i walked into pam's room when i came home from work today and felt so out of place. there were so many people in her room, and people kept coming.
i went back to our empty room because michelle was at the pods, and just started studying hell. i'm listening to classical music, too.

i told michelle i was in a hermit crab mood, but i sort of am but not really. i want to be a hermit crab but with michelle and tuttle here. i was gonna be a hermit crab in boaz's room, but it wasn't worth going up if he was leaving semi-soon for class. oh well.

man, some of this classical music makes me feel anxious.

i think i'm partially feeling this way because i feel really really tired. maybe i'll take a nap before going back to hell. i just have so many things on my mind, i guess.

i was very productive today. i woke up @ 8:15, took a shower, did my laundry, folded my laundry, spent some good quality time with God, and managed to be like 7 minutes late for my one and only class @ 10:50. funny, huh? yeah, i hate being late and feel stupid when that happens, but hey, it happens.

my hopes are that monday movie night in digman 216 will make this day brighter. don't get me wrong, i had a pretty joyous day despite feeling a bit under the weather, especially walking to and from class and just staring at the beautiful colors of the leaves on the trees all around me. i thanked God for providing me with such a good college and a good experience and a good campus.

just think, i could've been @ geneseo, right now. imagine how my life would've been so different. i certainly can't. nor do i want to. i'm content with where i am now.

ooh, i like mozart.

okay time to go back to hell.

alright, why not?

i think it's highly unlikely that i'll get this, but hey, you never know, right?
free handbags, woo-hoo :]

http://www.handbagplanet.com

God's directions

i'm stuck.
i'm stuck between two worlds: my world at home, and my world at school.
there's this HUGE wall between them that's been built so strong that it seems pointless to try and knock it down.

i love school. i love being at school. i love what i do at school. i love who i'm becoming when i'm at school.
but it feels like when i try to bring that back home, everything that i've done at school, everything i love at school falls apart and melts away temporarily.

i'm always trying to carry everything with me back and forth from one place to the other, but i always drop something and it has to be left behind. and by the time i go back to it, i have to drop what i just had to pick up what i had left behind before, only to find that it was a different shape or a different size and had to be carried in a new way, or it was the same and i still can't figure out how to carry it without dropping it again.

it's tiring. but i keep trying.

but i'm not entirely sure if that's what i'm supposed to be doing. and nothing really seems to be telling me anything in particular because this is the same problem i've had since i started college.

i'm standing at a crossroad and from where i'm standing i also see a crossroad ahead of me, but as i'm walking around in circles, i'm waiting for whatever direction God's telling me to take. i'm learning to listen for Him. but i feel like i should've learned this long ago for this point in my life and i'm way behind. it's like i've slowed from running to a walk on a treadmill, but if i don't do something soon, i'll fall from not doing anything.

i hate making decisions.
but it's worse when i know i'm supposed to make a decision but i don't know what my choices are.

i thought i was doing fine. i thought i didn't have anything i really needed help with, nothing immensely protruding into my life, but tonight, coming home, i feel like i've found a bullet in my side that i should've seen earlier.

it's just like the bruise i found on my elbow an entire day after i got it. i think i mentioned this in one of my past blogs, about how i elbowed pam lee the day we played football, but i discovered her iron jaw gave me a nasty bruise the next day, and i didn't figure out where it came from until hours and hours later.

these problems are like a bunch of those bruises. they're hard to discover and easy to ignore, too, because they only hurt when you touch them. they don't become visible right away.

anyway, it's late, and i don't know what to do. and blogging about it here isn't going to help me anyway.

i feel like i'll be stoned for saying this, but i wish i was back at school, in digman 216, sharing all of this with my digman 2east friends instead of being here at home.

i'd forgotten how much it hurt to be home.

...

yesterday in the early hours of the morning:

[ i am trying to help tuttle study for his developmental psych test ]
tuttle [talking to me]: [something something something], pam.
i proceed to throw his book on clam's bed and go to bed.

strike one.

today, in tuttle's car boat on the way to baked, a bakery recommended by carrie:

me: favorite food.
tuttle: don't have one. yours is lasagna, right?

strike two.

i hope strike three never comes.

la la la week :D

wow this week has certainly been an awesome one. so much stuff has been happening and it's been an eye-opening & fun experience. long blog, but i just feel like rambling, so you don't have to read if you don't want.

first of all, we had a short week because we had classes only on thursday and friday because of the rosh hashanah break. usually, since i have three classes spread out on thursdays, making my tuesdays and thursdays my longs days, they're not as awesome as my shorter days. but, this past thursday was pretty darn awesome.

i handed in my two papers on thursday, which took a huge load off my back. in cinema class at first i had a hard time not dozing off, but somehow in the middle of class i felt very awake and was able to pay attention as we watched the beginning half of citizen kane. it was cool because i was able to pick up on some cinematic aspects that we've sort of been talking about in class while also paying attention to the plot of the story...although, i still haven't figured out what "rosebud" is yet. but SHHH! don't tell me!

then for my contemporary fiction class i was expecting us to talk about the short stories that i did not read (because i was writing my papers!), but instead found that because of the breaks and my awesome teacher (ryan vaughan) going to california in the coming weeks for a wedding in california, we watched the beginning half of this movie called, Stranger Than Fiction with will ferrell (whom I don't normally like). i think we're watching the second half in our next class. every time i brush my teeth now i think about that movie. hehe. watch it and you'll know why.

then brit lit I class was pretty interesting. we read "the Dream of the Rood," which had a lot of core Christian values in it, which my professor talked about. he kept saying, "it's crazy, i know, but those are the Christian beliefs." i was like (to myself), "heck yeah, those are Christian beliefs!" it was fascinating how God had come into my classroom.

then on friday, i didn't have a geography quiz and instead we watched a film, of which we finished early and got to leave class a half-hour early. then i got lunch and met up with joanna and carrie for our leadership meeting, which went really well. the topic was spiritual habits, and it was interesting because one thing i've been struggling with was my quiet times with God. not saying that i was having trouble doing them, but i'm good at having the routine down of waking up early in the morning to do my quiet times. i just wasn't sure if it actually helped me grow in my relationship with Him, and if it didn't, then i've learned from others that maybe it's just better to have fruitful quiet times than to just go through the motion of doing it. but i also felt guilty when i didn't do it, so that confused me. i brought this up to carrie and she said that that's the discipline part of quiet times. quiet times is a spiritual discipline and therefore is an act of training, also means that sometimes we may not want to do it, but we should do it. and maybe my not feeling like my quiet times are fruitful in communicating and growing closer to God is a sign that i need to mix things up and try doing my quiet times in a different way. i think that's what i need to do.

my friday continued onward when i went with michelle, clam, jon yee and karen on a long walmart trip in which i got the smallest amount of items ever on a walmart run: curel lotion, detergent, and socks.

soon after was praise practice. i was so thankful that i wasn't sick anymore. it feels so much better to sing when you're not sick. oh, and glory rocked that djembe. it was awesome.
and THEN my dad showed up and i had to chase him down to give him a hug and say hello, but i couldn't even catch up to him cuz we were going so fast and i was afraid one or both of us were going to trip and fall! it was actually quite scary chasing him around. but it's kind of cool (and humbling...AND a teensy bit embarrassing) that my dad is 60 years old and can still out-run me, his 19-year-old (wow that's still weird to say...i still feel 18) daughter.
but i'm sooooo happy my dad came up to speak at our large group meeting. i don't get to hear him speak too often, but when i do i'm never disappointed. it was a really good message that got me thinking. and he used illustrations that made things a little easier to understand and enjoyable to listen to.
it was fun having dad come and be a part of my IV family for a night. he got to meet friends, even though he's probably already forgotten everyone's name (give or take a few who left a deeper impression), and he got to see a glimpse of what it's like here. plus, he brought pam & me some goodies: a lot of baos & pocky!

saturday morning pam, nicole (who also came to visit in passing through visiting a friend from cornell), my dad, and i went to corbin's cafe to eat breakfast (of which i had some delicious pumpkin pancakes) and go to the cider mill to buy some candied apples for sam, apple cider for mom, and mini pumpkins for digman 2east's phenomenal five (aka, michelle, me, pam, clam, and tuttle). hopefully i will get a picture of the pumpkins and post it up soon. pam & i thought we were rather clever & humorous in buying these mini pumpkins :]

then after stopping at jo-ann's fabrics and crafts store, we headed back to digman where tuttle finally woke up and apparently got "interrogated" by my dad (that's what tuttle claims. i was there and thought otherwise) before my dad and nicole headed back home.

then came football! oh man. i kind of wanted to play but didn't want to play at the same time because i knew i was gonna be mad tired and/or sore from playing. plus the fact that we had a town hall meeting right after was tempting me not to play. but i decided to because i knew it would be good exercise, and i was itching to tackle somebody anyway. unfortunately that opportunity never came. in the beginning i first covered gary, but i didn't like that cuz gary was mad fast and made me run around like crazy to keep up with him. and you all should know how much i hate running. but then priscilla came and i was so thankful to cover her instead. joe made a couple of passes to me and i accidentally let them slip through my arms, but i did get a touchdown! but slim or boaz never threw the football to priscilla, so i never got the chance to make a tackle. oh, and my sister was playing, but pam lee (the cooler pam) was covering her pretty well. oh well there will be next times!

after the town hall meeting pam, tuttle, michelle, & i went to olive garden (just for kicks), which began some meaningful, thought-provoking, and fun-filled discussions. it would be way too much to explain here, but it was pretty awesome. we carried it from dinner, through our car-ride back home, and then spent approximately another hour or two talking in digman 216. it was awesome. then we watched SNL (which i've never seen before), karen & gary came by, and i fell asleep.

today, bixler got baptized, koinonia practice was good, and "bix ball" was born! after practice i called tuttle to see where he was/what mischievous things he was up to (just kidding! i was checking to see if people had actually gone to the east gym field to play softball and if they had, if they were still there), and bixler picked up, saying they were playing bix ball. i was like, what? but michelle & i wandered down to the field to see what they were doing and had a lot of fun participating (michelle was the official catcher) & spectating (i was the official photographer/cheerleader minus the pom-poms) this new game. and surprise of all surprises, WES was there playing! michelle and i were so shocked but very excited that wes was playing. it was a barrel of laughs.

karen, btw, was extremely funny today. sometimes it's just unexplainable. i love her :]

also, another note, i really, really, really like my hair now. humongous did a wonderful job cutting layers. i trimmed my own bangs. i may never have to go to a hair salon place ever again.
and just for you, libby, here is a picture of my hair:

unfortunately, you can't really see a huge difference, but that doesn't matter to me. i notice and that's all that matters to me :P

okay that's all for now.

nyack was fun, but i'm glad i got to come back before the break ended. i finished the rest of my papers in record time, and i think it's the best i could've done. finishing early meant i could play!

tuttle, surprised me & michelle by coming back several hours after me when we least expected it, which was nice. chris, michelle, tuttle & i watched anastasia on tuesday night. chris had never seen it before and i wanted him to learn to do a bartok imitation. it was awesome.

on wednesday i finished my papers and tuttle got his car fixed, and afterwards, tuttle & i ate some yummy belgian waffles and the us plus michelle & steve went to dick's to look at the shoes, the gloves, and whatever else we could find. we left empty-handed, as the shoes were not tuttle's style and the gloves were the ones made for catchers, first-basemen, and teddy bears, or at least little people that size.
but then we went to payless and the bogo sale made tuttle and steve happy. yay for new shoes :]

then michelle and i watched like three or four episodes of one tree hill, finishing up season four. it made me SOOOO happy that princess libby happened to have season five for me to borrow! as michelle would say, sweet deal.
tuttle popped in and watched the season four finale episode with us. buffalo chicken and honey mustard chicken nirchi's pizza was soon ordered and eaten while we sprawled in the front of the tv to watch the end of dream girls and the newest episode of project runway. man, project runway. so good. can't wait to see the collections.

yes, it was a mighty fine break.

of course, the weirdest thing about it was the extreme change of weather since i left. it was pretty humid and warm when i left to go to nyack, of which weather did not change, but when i came back on tuesday, it was like God was shoving the colored trees in my face saying, "hey! times are changing quickly. summer's over and fall is here!"

alright, God, i got the point. it's beautiful :]

on another note, it's time for a hair trim. hopefully humongous will be finishing up the job tonight. i already trimmed my bangs quite a bit, so hopefully together with some layers i'll feel like i won't need to go to flushing to get my hair cut.

gosh, it's freezing cold.

phew. i also just finished the 23rd and last handmade invitations for the freshmen for the sophmen dinner. hopefully they will appreciate it. i'm really excited for the dinner.

ummm....

okay sorry for another boring blog. i haven't been using my creative writing juices lately.

but here, i'll end on an suspenseful note: my pops is coming up to bing to speak @ IV's large group meeting tomorrow!

nyack adventures

i am currently sitting on the bed of the royal princess elisabeth joy irene louie's dormitory room up @ nyack college, after finishing a night of skyping with sam chang, watching pan's labyrinth, eating and talking with libby, procrastinating on my papers that are due thursday, and skyping with silly matt tuttle and his awesome sister mary.

my adventures began when i held up my whole car ride to give some lame baked cookies and thank-you notes to the people that took care of me and looked out for me when i was sick several weeks ago. it seemed lame compared to the awesomeness that i received from them. it never ceases to amaze me how those who i'd never expect would to come to my rescue, while those i anticipated would sort of leave me a bit stranded. but anyway, i felt really bad for holding up our car, but i really wanted to give everyone the cookies because they wouldn't be as good if i held on to them until after the break. so i just had to give it to them. i hope they were enjoyable. it was fun staying up late to make them...i made some new friends in the lounge :P

then as we pulled into the back entrance of christie hall, i felt a familiarity about it that i couldn't put my finger on. i asked pam if we'd ever gone here for a retreat before. she said, 'probably.' i bet that we had.
i was ecstatic to see libby. i left my dear sister and humongous to ship themselves off to grenada the next morning, and libby took me up to her room. i met some of her friends and we hung out together, ordered some decent chinese food (though it was a small portion) and watched little miss sunshine. i laughed a lot during the movie because it was a little ridiculous at times but still cute and very different in some ways.
i went to bed a little delirious and definitely exhausted and ready to pass out, but libby and i stayed up to talk some, and then at some point i fell sound asleep.

then i wake up to find out i could go home. and then strangely enough, as if libby and i had switched bodies, i stayed in bed, half-asleep, while libby was up and about. weird. then we went to the mall. palisades! yay :] in papaya i found this gray jacket i really liked, but unfortunately it was $30 and that was just too much for my budget. but i did get a pair of pajama pants for $7.03 at charlotte russe :D
and then the princess and i were taken around some of the nyack theology seminary with uncle cliff, whom we discussed our home church's youth group status with while we waited for his wife, auntie elaine, to get out of a meeting so we could go home.

uncle cliff said, "wow, libby & tammy. you were born of Christian royalty. i don't know how you turned out to be such losers."

then i came home :]

it wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. my dad was in a good mood, and i spent some nice bonding time watching last week's project runway with my mom even though i'd seen the end. then she started cooking dinner and i watched i think 1 1/2 episodes of throwdown with bobby flay by myself before eating dinner with 4/5 of my family and heading off to the youth group fellowship meeting.

i really really want to put a quote here that my awesome cousin kenzie had said that made me laugh really really hard, but it's just too embarrassing to write. sorry. and libby, you better not tell anyone.

then i went home and watched ace of cakes with my mom and dad while my dad cut me an apple. the people who work at ace of cakes is so awesome.

my dad explained the financial crisis our country was having to me because i didn't understand what was going on.

on sunday i went to church and surprised less people than i thought i would. somehow word got around fast :\ but i did see my beautiful tsai boys! and auntie karen! oh how i miss them so much. unfortunately, they had to leave right after worship service, so i didn't get to talk to them as long as i'd liked. and i didn't get to see uncle john. but hopefully i will get that opportunity two weeks from now during yom kippur.

sunday school was actually pretty good. i got to share about the scary guy and his daughter michelle who came to our campus and caused chaos with his way of portraying his Christian values. i participated in sunday school a lot more than i usually did.

then i got to spend some time with my girls :] i ate lunch with the high schoolers and went with sarah, libby, kenzie, and sam to mickey d's to eat a hot fudge sundae which turned out to be $1.50 instead of $1. booooo mickey d's. i got it anyway. and i was in good company, so it didn't matter.

and then we walked back home and i finished packing and watched the end of mussina's historical 20th win of the season while waiting for my dad to come back from pastor ben ng's ordination.

we took the tappan zee bridge up to nyack. i thought of michelle & tuttle the entire span of the bridge. i was tempted to text the both of them that i was on it, but i restrained myself, remembering that i did not yet have a texting plan.

and then the princess & i have had a lovely evening as i had mentioned at the beginning of this blog.

until next time on the nyack adventures of princess libby and princess tammy....

p.s. sorry this post was a little boring. i'll maybe spruce up the next one if my papers are almost finished :P

yay all better!

it has been approximately a little more than a week since i diagnosed myself as being ill, and today i think is the official day i deem myself 100% recovered. i slept for a good 9 1/2 hours last night, closing the night off with some really good hearty laughter and fun. here's a recap:

the night starts out like this: i come back from watching a documentary film for cinema class (cost me $4, but it was actually more interesting than anticipated), and find sunroot and john gao in my room talking with michelle.
that's cool.

since pam is all alone in her room, i decide to go over and chill with her for a bit since i don't really get to do that much while we're at school. tuttle comes in with a big mac and fries, deciding to eat it in pam's room with us. the emmys are on. pam starts reading her play for acting class, and i want her to recite some of it.
so she says, "okay, help me practice" (since she has to memorize her lines for class). i play barney. she plays eleanor. the play is actually pretty witty and funny. it reminds me of gilmore girls a little bit. tuttle goes on pam's computer (of course, because he'll use everyone else's computer before he delivers his to get fixed), while we finish reading the play. tuttle is pretending to be pam on AIM.

pam wants us to read in her room so she won't be the only one reading/doing work.
i fetch my book.
start picking through pam's food because i'm getting hungry.
"i want popcorn," i say, pulling out a pack of microwavable popcorn.
tuttle leaves to fetch his book. i open the package. "how long should i put it in your microwave?" i ask pam.
she replies, "2 mins. 30 secs. that's how long i always put it in for."
i say okay and put it in and microwave it for 2 mins. and 30 seconds.
i read for 2 minutes and 30 seconds.
2 minutes and 30 seconds later, i hear a loud beep.
i thought it was the microwave.
it was not the microwave.
it was the smoke alarm.
"oh no!" pam and i yelp. i start fanning the smoke with my hands. pam grabs a folder and starts fanning the smoke alarm.

tuttle comes back. alarmed (ha, pun definitely intended), tuttle grabs something else and also starts fanning the smoke alarm. the smell is getting pretty bad.
"is fanning it actually going to work for this alarm?" i ask, a little anxious.
"i dunno, we'll see," pam says, just as the smoke alarm stops beeping loudly.
tuttle, pam, and i exhale.

i slowly start to open the microwave door. smoke starts escaping rapidly. "uhhh..."
"we need a fan! do you have a fan?" tuttle says to pam.
"no, i don't have any fan," pam answers.
"michelle has a fan!" i say, running a few feet over to my room to retrieve it.
i hand it to tuttle and he plugs it in, holding the huge fan high so it would blow the smoke out the door and away from the alarm. i open the microwave door all the way and pull out the bag of burnt stuff. i put on pam's slippers and take it to the garbage room.

just as i get back to pam's door, i hear a light thump. i push open the door the rest of the way and find tuttle standing over the fan, which was flat on the floor and had a broken propeller thing.
"tuttle!" i exclaim. "what did you do??"
"i just put it down!" tuttle exclaimed back. "it started spazzing!"
"tuttle it's not my fan!" i say.
"it's not?"
"it's michelle's!"
"oh NO!"

we say this all in the midst of laughter. we apologize to michelle for breaking her fan.

later on...
"tuttle," i say, "all i did was throw out the bag of popcorn and i come back and the fan is broken."
"well, tammy," tuttle replies, "all i did was go get my book and i come back and the smoke alarm is going off."

more laughter.

the end.

i love living @ digman 2east. good times, good times.

umm..blog much?

yeah, i realize i don't blog that much. i think maybe i need to blog a little more. be a little more random. although, i know i will never be able to reach tuttle's status as king-blogger. but that's okay. i'm not trying to overthrow royalty (isn't there a word for that? not mutiny...not assassinate...treason? i don't know. i'm not as smart as tuttle, which is probably why i like hanging around him, so he can be smart for me).

anyway, if you kind of know me well, you're probably thinking to yourself...isn't it past your bedtime? well, yes, it is way past the usual time i go to sleep and way past my proper functioning hours (which means i get kind of groggy and sometimes very VERY delirious...not many bing people have experienced my delirium yet, thank goodness), but although it is 3:23, i felt like blogging.

it is a bit lonely because michelle's not here. i miss her a lot, and it hasn't even been a full day that she hasn't been here yet. sigh. boaz's tissue box from his car became my substitute michelle for the night.

oh man i wish this cold would go away. i've started to cough a little bit here and there, but that's totally not cool. i'd rather just stick with the congestion and sore throat over coughing. i hope it doesn't get worse.

i led large group praise and worship for the first time today. it was scary, but even though i know i would've normally been very nervous, i think God really calmed my heart and just pulled me through without any nervousness whatsoever. i think partially because of my cold. i was expecting to sound bad because my throat is really sore, so i just didn't think about anything except singing for Christ. and apparently, people kept telling me i didn't sound so bad even with my cold. which, brings me to a random but important question that's been rolling around in my head:

i don't know how to take compliments. pam and others have witnessed time and time again that a lot of times when people (especially adults, for some reason) compliment me, my reaction would be to say thank you...in my head. instead of out loud. so it ends up being kind of rude. i don't know. especially when it comes to praise team, i know i'm not singing for the fellowship, so it feels wrong and makes me feel guilty when i say "thank you" when someone says good job. i was singing for God. but then...what am i supposed to say? it's been a confusing topic for me for a very long time. anyone got any attempted answers?

after LG like 35 people when to applebee's to eat. meaning, we obviously wanted to spend a lot of time talking with each other, considering how long it takes for applebee's to get food to us.
i hung out with some freshmen (wendy, winnie & ray), mike & tuttle in a booth, and it was pretty fun. it was like watching a television show with some audience interaction every once in a while. the freshmen are pretty entertaining because they're so weird and quirky. it was nice bonding with some of them. i, of course, kept asking for hot water refills and making tuttle and mike get out so i could go to the bathroom again and again (i drank four bottles of water in addition to cup after cup of hot water @ applebee's...who wouldn't need to go to the bathroom again and again?!). but overall it was fun. i'm glad i went.

sorry, i just have to give a shout-out right now, because this day wouldn't have been very fun without them. besides, they're probably like my most loyal blog readers.

thanks boaz, for taking such good care of me and letting me lead tonight's praise set. it was a good experience. i really appreciate having you in my life. like how you were saying before if you hadn't transferred, i probably wouldn't have met you and my life probably would've looked a lot different. thanks for always being just what i need. i'm glad we're here together.

and of course, tuttle! you've grown to become a really good friend and brother not only since last semester, but even just these first few weeks of school. even though sometimes i'm like, "tuttle!" or even, "TUTTLE!!!!" i still really think you're great and i really do love having you on the same floor as me. i feel special being your friend because you make me feel special. ...and you bring me cookies ALL the time - which i appreciate but don't appreciate at the same time. plus, you culture me. and i always appreciate that :D

michelle, come home fast. and i mean FAST. sometimes i feel like a lost kid in a mall when you're not around. plus, there's always so much to tell you!

it is now 3:49. goodnight, faithful blog readers.