real rainbows

so i've had a very interesting several days since my last post.

i had a little breakdown. in fact, it was not long after my last post. but it was one of those good breakdowns - the kind that just allows you empty yourself from deep inside, everything good and everything yucky. it was liberating and a little tiresome, but afterwards i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. and it was also good because i think it was an opportunity taken that allowed me to deepen my relationship with michelle and tuttle. i am beyond extremely blessed to have you two.

it was evidence to me that God is working in me, somehow, in some way.

the days to follow the breakdown are a blur right now, but i remember feeling refreshed with a pinch of clarity. i was beginning to understand a little more of dying to myself to live for Christ. i struggle with that everyday. but i'm yearning more and more to hear God's voice, to obey what He tells me, and to be holy not for the sake of being holy, but because God is holy. i'm still trying to learn what that means.

little threads have been running like themes through my life these past few weeks, even months, i guess.

one of those threads can be summarized by the verse that i've memorized for the leadership meeting i have every friday with carrie, joanna & bixler:

"as obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. but just as He who has called you is holy, so be holy in all you do for it is written: "be holy because i am holy." since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. for you know that it is not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." 1 Peter 1:14-19

i've come to memorize verses as a spiritual discipline now. i really like doing it. and i get really excited about getting it right and memorizing it completely because it makes excited to anticipate how God's going to use His word in my life. like what He's going to show me through that verse. i've always known reading/memorizing/meditating God's word was key to a lot of things, but now i'm actually putting that into practice through my life and now i'm beginning to see why, which is refreshing and liberating.

but this one particularly brings it home to my heart because it seems to be the one God is using predominantly in my life right now, which is pretty freaking awesome.

oh, so i titled this post "real rainbows" because although last weekend/the beginning of last week was a huge storm in my life, i've been living in the rainbow-y area since then. rainbows are typically symbolized as the time when the weather is perfect and sunny and you go frolicking through meadows and picking flowers for people you love. i think it's often quoted as, "look for the rainbow after the storm" kind of thing. yes, i do believe that rainbows come after the eye of the storm passes, but they don't come out in perfect sunny weather (unless of course, it's summertime and you turn on a sprinker and look at the sprinkler water at a certain angle so you see a really cool rainbow...but that's not what i'm talking about here). real rainbows come when it's cloudy weather and it's still kind of muggy outside. and rainbows don't have clear-cut lines that distinguish each color clearly. it's a little blurred with numerous shades that sometimes can't fully be comprehended or distinguished.

that's where i am. i've passed another storm of life, but that doesn't mean my life has suddenly become all perfect and i've become all sunny. i've become rainbow-y. i'm in a cloudy/muggy/drizzly environment, but i'm more colorful and need time to brighten and am learning to distinguish the colors in my life that God has given me.

i really like learning new things. this is how much i've always really liked learning new things throughout my whole life: my parents were never really the kind of parents that asked, "what did you learn in school today?" but in elementary school and middle school and often even to this day, i'd just come home from school and tell them everything i've learned and ask them questions about things i didn't understand but wanted to understand. that's how excited i've always been about learning new things.

ooh, another thing that's similar to the whole studying-God's-Word-and-applying-it-to-my-life and how i've always known that i was supposed to do that but it didn't really click until recently is that i've always known and learned that Jesus came to save the sick and not the healthy, but i've been reminded again at how i need to be needy and weak and broken and truly "just as i am" before God in order for Him to save me and help me. i was reminded when greg jao said a snippet of that in his message on friday, and again today at church, about how Christians often have this blinded view that we need to have it all together, but in reality, Jesus came to save those who were sick. i'm learning to be more okay with not being okay. i've always struggled with that, too. especially in high school.

all of this and more is a part of that first part of the 1 Peter verse: "as obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." i want to be an obedient child, and have been learning to turn away from the evil desires, sins, and bad habits of thinking that i had when i lived in ignorance.

God is teaching me new things. all the time. He's constantly shaping me to be a better vessel to be filled with the Holy Spirit and fulfill the purposes that He holds for me. and i really like learning them, even if it means crossing a river and getting through storms. if that's what it takes, then i'm in. i'm all in.

and it's a good reminder that there's nothing i could ever do that would make Him love me less.