God's directions

i'm stuck.
i'm stuck between two worlds: my world at home, and my world at school.
there's this HUGE wall between them that's been built so strong that it seems pointless to try and knock it down.

i love school. i love being at school. i love what i do at school. i love who i'm becoming when i'm at school.
but it feels like when i try to bring that back home, everything that i've done at school, everything i love at school falls apart and melts away temporarily.

i'm always trying to carry everything with me back and forth from one place to the other, but i always drop something and it has to be left behind. and by the time i go back to it, i have to drop what i just had to pick up what i had left behind before, only to find that it was a different shape or a different size and had to be carried in a new way, or it was the same and i still can't figure out how to carry it without dropping it again.

it's tiring. but i keep trying.

but i'm not entirely sure if that's what i'm supposed to be doing. and nothing really seems to be telling me anything in particular because this is the same problem i've had since i started college.

i'm standing at a crossroad and from where i'm standing i also see a crossroad ahead of me, but as i'm walking around in circles, i'm waiting for whatever direction God's telling me to take. i'm learning to listen for Him. but i feel like i should've learned this long ago for this point in my life and i'm way behind. it's like i've slowed from running to a walk on a treadmill, but if i don't do something soon, i'll fall from not doing anything.

i hate making decisions.
but it's worse when i know i'm supposed to make a decision but i don't know what my choices are.

i thought i was doing fine. i thought i didn't have anything i really needed help with, nothing immensely protruding into my life, but tonight, coming home, i feel like i've found a bullet in my side that i should've seen earlier.

it's just like the bruise i found on my elbow an entire day after i got it. i think i mentioned this in one of my past blogs, about how i elbowed pam lee the day we played football, but i discovered her iron jaw gave me a nasty bruise the next day, and i didn't figure out where it came from until hours and hours later.

these problems are like a bunch of those bruises. they're hard to discover and easy to ignore, too, because they only hurt when you touch them. they don't become visible right away.

anyway, it's late, and i don't know what to do. and blogging about it here isn't going to help me anyway.

i feel like i'll be stoned for saying this, but i wish i was back at school, in digman 216, sharing all of this with my digman 2east friends instead of being here at home.

i'd forgotten how much it hurt to be home.