Reminder: get a flashlight and a bunch of candles for my new apartment.

Sitting in the pitch dark at 9:30 at night without any electricity gives you a space to think or motivates you to do some things you haven't done for a while.  And it makes you sleepy a little earlier than usual.

During our little black out while my mom desperately turned on a portable radio to try and find out who won Dancing with the Stars, I decided to read through some of my old writing on my word documents.  I used to try and give myself some writing exercises by either going through a book with writing prompts or just wrote whatever story ideas came to my mind.  I read some of the unfinished exercises and sometimes wondered where I was trying to go with the ideas, or what my initial thoughts were.

It awakened an old dream I had of writing novels to change the young adult genre.  I wanted to write novels that were geared towards teens but inspired them to go beyond the high school drama and dreaming of independence.  I wanted to write novels that shared the stories of those whose voices were silenced and showed teens how much value and worth they have, that they don't have to be looked down on just because they're young.

Most of the different forms of media today removes that worth that God sees in them and instills a sense of fear and insecurity.  It's frustrating and difficult to watch as even the strongest Christians and people with the strongest sense of self-esteem can easily fall into the temptations of listening to those voices - and even scarier than that, they can fall without even realizing it.  And since "everybody's doing it," it makes it harder and harder to fight.

I'll be working with college students as far as I can see into the future, and I can see the strategy behind reaching this age group (especially seeing changes in my own life and others through college) and am excited to mobilize students, but my heart doesn't break just for college students.  

I don't really have a particular passion to reach any particular age group.  My heart breaks for those who are lost, for those who are weary and desire physical and spiritual restoration.  It breaks for those who are searching for their worth and value and don't even realize it, for those who are tired of searching, and for those who have been searching in all the wrong places.

You can't really label an age on those categories.  

"Unto the breach"

Whenever the thought of going through my graduation ceremonies came to mind, I had the attitude of dragging my feet. I didn't really care about the pomp and circumstance, and I would think about how much I would rather be at Basileia as an induction into the InterVarsity staff world and witness first-hand how God would move and change my chapter.

I subconsciously tried to drag out my stay as an undergraduate that I did such a poor job of packing up my things. I packed everything really slowly and didn't really label or separate my belongings that well. My family had to make two trips out to my apartment to drop off my stuff before packing up the car with the rest of my things for the summer, and my mom packed up a drawer of mine that I hadn't touched while we went to do that. She did it without me asking her to, but I was frustrated that that was the first time I've ever needed help packing.

But instead of dragging my feet through this weekend, I instead had these

feelings of loss and gain, which I guess is expected. I've already been in the process of detaching myself mentally and emotionally, so it didn't really hit my like a ton of bricks, but it wasn't really so much of a sadness of loss of friends or experiences. It was more of a loss of the potential. Usually at the end of the

semester or the end of the year I would assess what goals I had not accomplished and knew exactly what I wanted to work on for the next time, taking into consideration the changes and factoring in the sense of expecting the unexpected as well. The loss of potential marks that there's more to factor in with expecting the unexpected. It's a little less structured and familiar. I have a small idea what I'd like life to look like, but chances are it'll be just different from what I picture. I don't feel sad or feel like I'm losing my friends - it just looks like our roles in each other's lives will look different.

With the sense of gain, I'm ready and completely excited for the adventure of life. Even though I'm hitting uncharted territory, I'm not completely wandering. God has blessed me completely throughout these past four years and has led me to the next steps in my life. I look forward to taking on new roles and exploring what God has in store for me.

Graduation has definitely brought me to a huge sense of gratitude. So big in fact, that I wouldn't even know where to begin thanking people.

I am super grateful that Libby & my grandma came up with the rest of my family to be a part of my graduation. I haven't really appreciated my grandma that much until recently in the last few years. She understands a lot more than you think she does, and it's awesome how she's able to get around at her age. And she's just really cute. She doesn't speak much English, but when she does it's really funny and just makes you smile. Even when my mom or someone in my family translates what shes talking about, it makes you smile, too. You don't need translators or language to understand how much she cares about you and how much she wants to know more about your life.

I went up to her apartment to drop her off and she gave me a card and said, "I'm very happy. You make me very happy. You make me very, very happy." I couldn't have asked for anything more :]

I am so exhausted. I'll probably tackle my mess a little later today. I decided to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls, the one where Rory graduates from Yale. The seventh/final season of GG isn't very good at all, and I'm not a huge fan of Rory's character or Alexis Bledel's acting throughout the series (particularly this season), but it seemed appropriate since I seem to be identifying with Rory in some ways recently.

Alias (Part Four)

So after that huge word vomit about my unhealthily busy high school life in Alias (Part Three) what am I really trying to say?

I'm not someone with a lot of wisdom, nor am I an expert on these aliases/fronts we put up with people. But after high school, I knew I didn't want get onto that conveyor belt again. Of course, it took me a while to figure out that I had to work on my knee-jerk reactions to situations - like running away from people when I felt a deep sense of shame as if nobody cared - but God placed people in my life and allowed me to go through different situations to begin my journey of recovery. He began helping me see that it was possible to live a life where who I was on the inside could be accepted on the outside - I could be free from living a double life like Sydney Bristow in Alias.

A key part of that was by deepening my value of integrity.

I like the way Nate Schutt described integrity at a Large Group meeting last year:

Integrity = your actions remain consistent with your values, even if the reward for abandoning your values goes down or if punishment for adhering goes up.

But he also said this:
Many people see integrity in just doing the "right thing." But it's more than that - it's a matter of having the right heart and being the person you are on the inside as you are on the outside.

That's exactly what I wanted. There were so many things I knew to be true in my mind, but I had such a hard time getting my heart to match my mind or vice versa that I'd just wanted to give up. But God worked through people in my life and situations I was placed in to be able to genuinely say:

I strive to live an authentic life because the One hope for the world freed me from the chains of living a counterfeit one.

That meant I knew I needed to make some decision changes in how I interacted with others. One of the things I recognized was answering the question, "How are you?" when people asked. My automatic answer (and I know I'm not the only one) used to be "Fine," without giving it much thought or consideration because if I wasn't fine, I didn't want people to know I wasn't okay for all the reasons I said in my previous Alias post: a) I didn't want to burden people with my issues and would feel selfish for doing so, b) I didn't want people's views of me to change, c) I didn't want to risk being vulnerable with the chance that the person may not receive things the way I want them or need them to.

But we can dispute these reasons, right?
a) We're supposed to be able to share our burdens with one another. People can't share your burdens with you if they don't know what they are or if they don't know that you have them. Yes, there are always going to be worse problems in the world - but that doesn't make yours any less important to God or to others.
b) Everyone needs to remember that we are constantly changing. God is not through with us yet! He continues to shape us and mold us throughout our lives, so we shouldn't expect people's views of us to stay the same, and people shouldn't expect that of us.
c) Everyone thinks this way. I used to always think this way and sometimes still do. No one wants to be the first to be vulnerable. It's risky because you don't want to be rejected or made fun of or hurt by putting your true self out there. But here's how I think about it: when you share your honest feelings about something with someone, it's an act of love. Love is always risky. When you share your honest feelings you're offering them a part of you with the risk that they will reject it. When you do that, you're saying to the other person that they are worth that risk.


As cheesy as it may sound, I believe true love for one another is a gift. That means when we offer our honest feelings to someone out of our love for them, it's a gift where we expect nothing in return.

I know I definitely feel loved when people share their burdens with me because I see it as them trusting me enough to offer their hearts. It's scary at the same time, too, because I don't want to do anything or say anything that may hurt it in any way.

I also believe that being more transparent and open with each other about our brokenness is what makes us different from the world because we're not hiding behind aliases and can be confident in our brokenness because we have our hope, identity and security in Christ.

So yes, I do believe that we can and should be honest and open with anyone, even people we meet for the very first time. Of course, I don't think that means we pour out all of our problems, at least all at one time - I believe there are tactful ways of speaking the truth in love. But it takes practice and starts with one step at a time.

For example, I started practicing this when I was asked, "How are you?" Back throughout my life I'd automatically answer "Fine" or "Good" when I really wasn't. It was something small, but it's a small lie that makes it easier to lead into another lie and a bigger lie, and I just may never go beyond superficial small talk. And if that person isn't vulnerable or honest with me, then soon enough my relationship with that person may be shallow and unfruitful.

Instead, nowadays I try to take the time to think of an honest answer before automatically saying, "Fine." It keeps me in check in making sure I'm being real with myself and reminds me if there's anything I should share with my community.

Not that I'm any expert. This is just what I've been learning and what I desire to do. I strive to live an authentic life because the hope of the world freed me from the chains of living a counterfeit one. He already did what we are called to do - He risked His love and gave it freely. If my identity rests in Christ, then I don't need to have a different mask for all the different people I encounter in my life. I don't need to fear rejection, but even if I do, I'm able to overcome it because of who God is and who He is in my life.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.--John 13:34-35

Alias (Part Three)

Read Alias (Part Two) and then read this post. This is a long post, I must warn you, but to me it's a necessary one, so if you don't feel like reading, I won't be offended (not that I even know who you are that's reading this - I guess I can't be offended if I don't know)

Protecting yourself by pretending to be someone you're not can get extremely exhausting.

It takes a lot of work to keep up with the different roles, expectations, and acts that we've taken on for ourselves. We assume different identities when we're with different individuals or groups and juggle these elements (i.e. happy faces, telling people we're just fine, cracking jokes) around, putting on a show that we have it all together until we're not with them anymore. The masks come off, the balls we're juggling drop, and we wallow in the puddle of loneliness we had just created for ourselves.

And we can pretend that it's not true until that puddle of loneliness grows into a pond, and then an ocean where we try to deal with it by swimming in it. Then it gets to the point where our feet can't touch the ground anymore, swimming gets tiring, and soon we're just treading water. We get so tired to a point where we just let the tides of expectations lead us, pushing us this way and that. And when the storms come on those days when you least expect them to, we find ourselves drowning to a point where all we want to do is come up for air - to make it to the weekend or at least get through the day, so that you could have some chance of breathing.

As I describe it that way, I think about my senior year of high school because that's when I particularly began to get fed up with all of these acts. Throughout my life, my natural optimism, desire to excel in my responsibilities, self-discipline to always try to do the right thing, and guilt I poured out on myself if and when I felt like I had failed lay the bricks for others to build upon this idea that I was some sort of innocent, perfect, always-had-it-all-together kind of person. Somehow people's views of me perpetuated this identity into something more than it really was.

I let it drive people's perceptions of me because honestly, who doesn't like to be thought of as "the good one" or "the responsible one" or "the dependable one"? Who doesn't like to be spoken of so highly by others?

I'm not saying that this is all together a bad thing, but the problem was that I held so tightly to this identity to a point where I refused to let people in to see otherwise and would make decisions that would protect myself from breaking down that identity.

I had a hard time saying no, wanted to bring change to the world around me, and believed that I could and had to handle everything and do it all by myself. It was a terrible combination. By the time I reached my senior year of high school I was forcing myself to get up by 5:15 every morning, went to school for a full day of classes and then did my best to excel in my responsibilities as an Arista National Honor Society member, the Seekers Christian Club Praise Leader, JROTC Logistics Staff Captain, JROTC Drum Corps Commander by attending meetings, organizing/planning/executing special events, investing in those I led, and get home by 6:30pm every night to eat dinner, do my homework, prepare for college and start all over again the next morning. On the weekends I led or attended special events or activities for JROTC, invested heavily in my youth group, and went to church several times. And all the while I dealt with all the drama that came with my relationships with people, and did all I could to maintain this image that I could do everything, do it well, and do it all by myself.

And let me tell you, I definitely wasn't perfect or had it all together all the time. In fact, I was far beyond it. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally strained, but because I believed that I was strong, independent, and needed to have it all together, I saw this strain and exhaustion as a weakness rather than a sign of the reality that I needed people. Whenever people pointed out that I looked tired or sad or asked me how I was doing, I told them I was just fine and internally processed their comments to mean, "They can see my weaknesses. My protective identity is failing."

In a way I guess you could say I kept people at a distance. There were a number of reasons why I didn't open up to people, even my closest friends:

• I didn't want to burden people with my troubles.
• I was afraid they wouldn't understand.
• I was afraid they wouldn't want to listen.
• I was afraid they would say something I didn't want to hear.
• I was afraid they'd say something I already knew.
• I didn't want them to say anything and was afraid they would.
• I was afraid to be wrong.
• I was afraid to be right.
• I wanted to protect people from myself.
• I recognized that people go through way worse things than me, so I saw my own troubles as plain selfishness and less important.

So I kept people out, but at the same time, I desperately wanted someone to come in. It wasn't that I was creating a fake identity for myself by acting the way I was - I really was just being myself. But it wasn't the whole me and I wanted someone to know my struggles and my fears and let me know that everything was going to be okay.

I resented a few people, but for the most part I understood that this kind of loneliness was a position I had put myself in and figured it was something only I could figure out how to get myself out of. Thankfully by the grace of God, I constantly turned to Him and music instead of other dangerous ways to help me get through high school. I held on tightly to hope that rested in God because there was nothing else I felt like I could put my hope in.

A big reason why I can say that confidently and not arbitrarily is because of the journal I kept during the last half of my senior year in high school. That journal is like a museum that gives tribute to who I was and how I viewed my life at that time.

Here's an entry I wrote to God:
Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow. What a day. WHAT a day. I was so excited for the end of school. It went by really fast. I was really excited for the lock-in. I really was. Maybe in hopes that I'd bond with some people and maybe break down some barriers.

Well, they definitely weren't the barriers I thought I'd break.
I thought I was going to break barriers between me and other people - but it turns out You wanted to break barriers within myself. The water dams broke. When Uncle Tim asked me to lead the praise team for the retreat, something snapped in me. I was falling, but Pam & Libby were there to catch me.
Pam was giving me encouragement and saying positive things to me as I cried, and she made some good points, points I think You've been trying to tell me for a long time. You told me that I can't hold everybody up. I can't be superwoman. I'm such a hypocrite. I've been telling Aiko that she's not superwoman and that she doesn't have to suffer so much, but here I am, convinced that I've been doing the right thing this whole time, trying to carry the worries of the world while trying to unscramble and de-code my own. It's not humanly possible.
I'm trying so hard, Lord, and I've learned that that's never going to be enough. I'm stressed, I'm tired. I want to do so many more things but just don't have the time to do so.
I'm thinking of talking to the Seekers Leaders about not being the Praise Team Leader anymore. I've been praying to You, Father, and I think You've answered me pretty straight-foward.
I am not superwoman.
I am not superwoman.
I'll see You in the morning.

With all my effort put aside,
Your daughter,
Tammy

If you read most of my other journal entries, you see a theme of how I go back and forth, trying to figure out how to get out of this vicious cycle (I listened to Lifehouse's "Sick Cycle Carousel" a lot) of wanting out of this alias that I and those around me had spun together.
High school was where I built and maintained these aliases, and found the desire to break them down. College was where I began to turn that desire into action.

Get ready for Alias (Part Four)!

Alias (Part Two)

Besides the awesome spy action of heroine secret CIA double agent Sydney Bristow, you can't talk about her without talking about her wardrobe changes. It's a huge part of the show - heck, it's why it's called Alias, for goodness sake. Sydney Bristow can assume any identity she needs to accomplish her mission, and she doesn't only pull it off...she pulls it off well. The irony, though, is that even though she can be anyone she wants to get whatever she wants, all she truly wants is to keep the world safe for the people she loves and just be herself.

Now, this may all sound cheesy or cliche or common, but I think it completely resonates with us because we all want we Sydney Bristow wants - to protect the people we love and to just be ourselves. Unfortunately, in this hostile world we feel like we have to assume different aliases to keep the world safe. We automatically put on different acts depending on where we are and who we're with. And we often convince ourselves it's supposed to be for the sake of saving the world, for protecting everyone else. We act the way we feel like we're supposed to act when we're with someone so that the other person doesn't have to be buried in our burdens or stand in the midst of conflict or tension.

But when you think about it - isn't it really to protect ourselves?

When we meet someone new we think we have to put on our chipper, energetic, social identity because we don't want them to to think we're actually bored or tired or depressed. When we meet with our professors we sometimes pretend that we actually care about the work to hide the fact that we don't. When we hang out with some friends we put on our silly, joking, or sometimes really quiet identity because that's the identity we assumed when we first met them, and since we've been like that for so long, to be anything other than that would put us in a vulnerable spot.

The list could go on, and the list could definitely be more specific. But essentially, we do it all to protect ourselves. But from what?

A) Rejection.
B) Change.
C) The difficulty of change.
D) All of the above.

Pretty much one of those choices, right?
And why do we cling to our fear of these things?

A) It gives us a sense of control.
B) It feels easier.
C) A & B

Pretty much one of those choices, right?
But the thing is, it gets tiring putting up act after act. And it gets frustrating, too. Why?

A) You want to put the blame on everyone else but essentially you can't because you're the one who put yourself in that place to begin with.
B) You want everyone else to be vulnerable with you first.
C) You think it'll be a huge burden if you shared who you really were.
D) All of the above & more.

Pretty much one of those choices, right?
You want people to see, hear, and feel your questions, your burdens, your conflicts, your wounds, your pain, your thoughts, your feelings, etc...but you don't at the exact same time.

It's a vicious cycle that you want to break but more often than not convince yourself that you're doing it for the sake of those you love and then end up doing absolutely nothing about it. We wait for our circumstances to change. We hold out for a new environment. We hope that it'll all fix itself on its own. Tomorrow's a new day, you think to yourself. Just hold your breath a little longer and you'll get a chance to start over. And so, you wait.

Maybe that's the core of what makes Alias enthralling to watch, even when the plot gets a little ridiculously implausible and you get tired of the predictable dead people not really being dead (because do they ever in action shows or films? really?). It's entertaining to see what and how things unfold when someone just like you faces and deals with the conflicts you basically fight every single day. And you can't wait to see another episode because you hope that that'll be the day it'll all be over and Sydney Bristow can just be Sydney Bristow and not worry about saving the world or protecting the people she loves. You hope that if Sydney Bristow can do it after all she's gone through - you'll be able to do it too.

Stay tuned. There's a third part to this coming.

Alias (Part One)

There are a lot of reasons why I love the tv show Alias. The series ended several years ago, but it lasted a good (or mostly good - spy shows can sometimes go a little too far overboard into cheesy or unrealistic...you know) five seasons before going off the air.

Pam and I have been watching through the series every time I come home for break from school, and last Saturday we were able to have a mini marathon to finish the rest of the final season before I went back to school. It was really fun, but unfortunately I think I got a headache from watching all those episodes (no kidding, I did stare at a tv screen for 4 or 5 hours straight - yikes).

After we ended the series, though, it made me think about all the reasons why I liked the show. Of course, good shows always have a combination of good attributes, and this one had them - a great cast, complementary original soundtrack, intricate but (mostly) plausible plotline, etc. - but one of the main things I enjoyed was how they crafted characters so well and how I could identify with them.

There's this pivotal scene in an ice cave where Sloane tells Sydney something about her childhood:
Sloane: Remember when you were a little girl and you came to live with Emily and me?
Sydney: I try not to dwell on it.
Sloane: Sydney, you were so withdrawn. Of course, we understood: you had just lost your mother and father was taken into custody. You remember? We tried to reach out, but there was a time where that was impossible. So we lined the shelves of your room - all of them - with stuffed animals, hoping that that would comfort you. Every morning I would come into your room to wake you up, and there they were - buried underneath your blanket. You said there was a storm in the middle of the night it knocked them over - they were drowning. So one by one you rescued them. And then I wondered when you would learn...you can't rescue everyone.

You can't rescue everyone. It felt like he was talking directly to me.

It struck a particular chord in me. Of course, Sloane is a creepy character and I really like Sydney Bristow, but it's chilling that he said that because he's right. And you never want the bad guy to be right.
And it kills me inside because I want to rescue everyone and I know I can't, but at the same time that doesn't mean don't try to help anyone at all. But then I think to myself - who am I to choose who to help? Or how? Where do you draw the line? And even though I know I can't help everyone, why do I still always feel like a failure?

Spring semester funk.

It happens every spring semester.
I get into this weird funky feeling.
And it's different every year.

I haven't posted in a while but I'd been meaning to write a post about Alias, the tv show. And there was something that came up recently that made me want to post it even more. But for some reason I haven't cranked that one out.

In the meantime, I wanted to just put something on here about how I feel really weird being back on campus. And there are moments when it shakes off and feels "normal" again, but most of the time there's something just tugging at me. Or like, too many things tugging at me. Like little kids that tug on your pant leg to try to get your attention. Except there's like, too many kids that want my attention and I don't know who to deal with first.

And the longer I try to figure out what to deal with first, the longer everything gets ignored all at once. And then...oh look.
Another day has passed and it still feels like nothing's gotten done but you're one day closer to the inevitable eruption of utter chaos.

Glass shattering.

It really does shock me sometimes to hear how people - especially people close to me - view me. Because honestly, more often than not, I have no idea. It's fascinating, too, how the subject will come up or just even how it comes out.

For example, a recent conversation led to one that described me as one of the characters below:
If you watch One Tree Hill, and you know my childhood friends, it'll be kind of funny to figure out who would be the most identified as who. Even though their characters in the show do some pretty crazy things that we never did or would do, I can totally see how they can be extreme, hyper-dramatized versions of us. Or even how some of their not so dramatic aspects of their characters are like us, too.
If you haven't watched the show, I'm sorry this doesn't make any sense to you. If you like rolling your eyes every episode at the ridiculousness of dramas and saying, "Awwww!" for a good number of other episodes, I suggest you watch it. It can be pretty good.

But if you already know the characters and you know my old friends, then please, go ahead and laugh with me in guessing who's who. Because I think it's pretty funny :P

Press Secretary of InterVarsity.

I was talking to someone last week about the craziness from the beginning of the semester, and they said, "Well, at least you have this week off. That'll be a nice break, right?"

I laughed. I said, "Yeah, it'll be a nice break. I'll actually get some time to sit down and actually get some work done."

And depending on your definition of work, it varies. But it's true, I did get some tedious & frustrating work done - I re-designed the entire BingIV blog, entered hundreds of emails into the Bing Listserv, searched through those hundreds of emails numerous times to correct the misspelled ones, and learned how to use MailChimp to ease my use of emailing only to find out that my free limit was 500 contacts and I had 506 and was expecting more throughout the semester.

Yup, I major in InterVarsity. But I do it because I know it's important and that makes it more fun for me to do, knowing I can contribute in a way that no one else does. I like to think of myself as the Press Secretary of InterVarsity.

Which makes me think of CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary in The West Wing. I identify with her - and I think even though she looks so cool and collected, she probably sometimes feels lonely, burdened with issues and roles that she both loves and worries about.

I've been listening to some of the songs I've written over the past four years. Most people feel weird participating in their own work in any kind of way - eating their own food, tasting their own baked goods, watching their own movies, reading their own writing, listening to their own music, etc. Strangely enough, I don't (at least, in private...in public I do) because a) I listen to my own recordings to hear things I could improve and b) they mean a lot to me.

And listening to them...I don't know. It makes me think about why I wrote them (if I remember) and how they strangely still apply to me even if I wrote them years ago.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Well, I also had this strange urge to listen to Mandy Moore's "It's Gotta Be Love" from the A Walk to Remember soundtrack, so maybe I'm just in a weird funk and need to pray and wait it out.

Thoughts while packing...

• The same thoughts I've had in my head this entire summer: Oh my gosh, time is flying by SO fast...can we slow down please?
• I wonder what home is like when I'm at school.
• I hope my new white hoodie dries by tomorrow. I want to bring it to school and I don't want to forget it.
• I want to cut and sew more t-shirts. It's really fun.
• I'm going to miss Pam. I think Pam's going to miss me.
• Good thing I checked my schedule. Now I have to remember to drop the Journalism class.
• My new roommate seems nice. But I guess we won't really find out until the year goes on.
• Yay, rainboots! I wish I had gotten that Navy rain jacket from Annapolis...
• Yuck...leaving on Wednesday morning @ 6am? Did I really suggest that?
• I wonder what kind of car ride it'll be with my dad on Wednesday...
• It's too bad I couldn't finish reading Barack Obama's book. It was pretty good.
• The West Wing is such a good show.
• Dang, I have a lot of NYL merch.
• Mini-golf fundraiser...genius or dumb?
• I can't wait to order my TOMS shoes. The advertisements I keep seeing on all these different websites keep reminding me to do it.
• My not-so-busy last few days at home just became packed. Not cool.
• I want to watch Juno.
• There are so many things to remember before heading off to school. I hope I don't forget anything. I should probably be making a list of those things instead of making a list of my thoughts on my blog.

don't ask, don't tell & dr. quinn

i don't know if the rest of my family would agree, but i personally think there is a kind of underlying "don't ask, don't tell" policy in our house.

i don't even really know how to explain it. it's like, i feel like a television typical angst teenager whose parents don't know who i am and only know the minimal things of my life. and you know what? it's not like i don't want to share with them my life, it's just that they rarely ask. and if they do, it's out of politeness or whatever. and then if i do share with them stuff, they don't remember. or they don't ask me about it later to see how it's progressing, to see how i'm doing.

i don't want to say anything because i don't want to force them to say anything, or ask. the whole point is that i wish they'd want to know more about my life.

it's getting harder and harder since i've been feeling this way since the beginning of high school. sometimes i just get snappy or have an attitude for "no reason." but really, i know why.

some days i can take it. other days, i just get really annoyed. it's frustrating.

here's a random thing. i miss the tv show, dr. quinn. i used to watch it all the time. and it's a really good show. plus, i love jane seymour in that show, and i'm a sucker for dresses (which you may or may not know), the kind that they wore way back in old times. i love love loooove this show! it went on for a good 6 seasons.

so, they used to show re-runs on the hallmark channel last year, and my dad tried taping a bunch onto dvds, but as i tried watching one today, they're all out of order. sigh.

colleen: sully, where are all my chickens?

hahaha. anyway, i miss that show.
and jane seymour is so pretty.
if i get the dvds one day, you all should watch it with me :]

i especially don't like washing plastic containers. again, this has nothing to do with my post.

today i went to the library! it made me so happy! i haven't gone to the library in....a year i guess? i think since last summer...

oh it felt so nice to walk into that library and look at all the possibilities of books to read! there were so many i found that i wanted to read and i took out six books which i probably won't be able to finish in time for their due date, but will try to anyway.

i also took out 3 dvds for me & pam to watch. yay :]

i'm so excited. although, i was trying to read rebecca pippert's out of the saltshaker & into the world, but i will try to multi-task in my reading and read a couple of books at once, that one included because right now it's the most practical.

right at this very moment i'm singing along to michelle branch's find your way back! which came up on my itunes library. that makes me really really happy.

so, an update:

these last few days have been pretty crazy and fun and stupid and fruitful all in different ways. of course, stuff at home is still the same, but i'm trying to be more helpful around the house. i'm working on it.
as for church friends, pam, sarah, libby, a few of the guys, and i went to the beach on monday and it was really fun :] well, until after dinner @ chili's when a bunch of the other guys from church joined us and we all went back to the beach to go crabbing. i don't really want to talk about that here :\ it wasn't THAT bad, but it could've been. let's just put it that way.
but it was good bonding time i guess. that's a plus.

a HUGE plus is that i really got to spend a lot of time with the fabulous five: sarah, libby, pam, kenzie, and me being the fifth. it's interesting how we've known each other since we were all born and we've been friends all that time and yet we still have so many things to work on in our relationships to each other. it makes me so happy to see that we're growing so much in our own lives and in our own walks with Christ that even though our relationships to each other haven't caught up yet, that we're willing to work on it and really take each relationship to a deeper level. it's so awesome! i love my sisters :] and it gives me a huge encouragement about sophomore year. i really want to make a good honest effort to keep in touch with my girls.

and then today i ate lunch with my friend priscilla, and it was really nice to just sit and talk with her. she's one of the main reasons right now of why i need to read becky pippert's book. she's really open to coming to a really small Bible study group i'm trying to start with raymond and mary situ. that makes me excited :]

ah, summer :D